President Defends Delay in Approach to Gulf Oil Spill

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

President Barack Obama took on critics who say he has waited too long to take action on the BP oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico.

“Those who say we should have acted sooner have misplaced priorities,” the President asserted. “A hasty plugging of the leak would’ve squandered a valuable demonstration of the folly of an economy dependent upon oil-based sources of energy. Now no one can question the consequences of that dependence.”

The President pointed out that “the magnitude of this disaster has created a significant opportunity for us to move forward toward ending this dependency. First, it has given me the opportunity to order a stop to all offshore drilling—a step that would not have been possible without this crisis.”

“Second, this spill has so damaged the public’s perception of BP that my immediate move to seize $20 billion of their assets for distribution at my direction can go forward without serious objection.”

“Finally, it has given new life to my legislative agenda—including the ‘cap and tax’ energy bill, ‘green jobs’ subsidies, and ‘high-speed rail’ initiatives.”

The President urged people to remember that “the oil spill is also permanently taking billions of gallons of oil out of the production pipeline. Look, my drilling ban could be lifted by a subsequent president. But the oil from this spill that is lost to dispersion and evaporation will be gone for good—bringing the day when we are forced to do without it that much closer.”

Vice-President Joe Biden called criticism of the President’s unprecedented seizure of funds from BP “insensitive.” “Those who put the law ahead of the people in a time of crisis have no heart,” Biden contended. “Do they really want the President to shy away from the threats and arm-twisting he deems necessary for coping with the situation on the grounds of some legal technicality? When the people cry out for justice the President must act. We must trust in his sense of fairness rather than put our faith in words on a scrap of paper.”

Congressional Leaders Advise against “Town Hall” Meetings

A purported rationale for a summer recess in the congressional session has been to give members a chance to reconnect with constituents. A time-honored tradition for accomplishing this reconnect has been the so-called “town hall” meeting. The open format enables a congressman to achieve efficiencies of scale by answering a question or concern held by many at one time and place. Democratic leaders are advising Party members to skip this type meeting this summer.

“We did this last year,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said. “We got hammered with angry demands that we not pass the health care bill. That wasn’t helpful. We needed that bill. Hearing reasons why it shouldn’t pass didn’t aid the progress of the legislation. Now that it’s passed we don’t need to get beat up for it.”

As a substitute for the open meeting, Democrats were urged to schedule “by-appointment-only” get-togethers. “This way you can be assured that only those who you’ve screened ahead of time will show up,” Pelosi recommended. “Correlating the invitation to meet with an invitation to make a campaign donation will help weed-out the antagonistic and build up funds for your reelection effort. Your time is valuable. You shouldn’t just give it away to someone just because he lives in your district. Extract a reasonable price for this access.”

SC Democrats Decline to Overturn Greene Election

Alvin Greene, the surprise winner of the South Carolina Democratic Primary election for the nomination to run for the US Senate will not be deposed by State Party officials. Greene, an unemployed 32-year-old former Army veteran facing a pending trial on a felony obscenity charge, won nearly 60% of the votes despite the absence of any sign of a campaign.

A request by Greene’s defeated opponent, former state legislator Vic Rawl, to have the election overturned was denied the state Democratic Party Executive Committee on the grounds that “there is insufficient evidence of a wrongful outcome. The absence of a visible campaign, while unusual is not unprecedented. The possibility that the visible Rawl was less attractive than a largely unknown and invisible Greene cannot be ruled out.”

Greene may also have benefited from a sympathy vote mused one member of the Executive Committee speaking “off-the-record.” “Unemployed felons have been targeted as a key constituency for the Democratic Party,” he argued. “While not yet a convicted felon, Mr. Greene is unemployed. And the charge against him—what man can deny that he hasn’t done the same at some point in his life. Maybe Greene is the ‘everyman’ America needs. This may just be our generation’s version of ‘Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.’”

Congressman Says Constitution on His Side in Assault Incident

Representative Bob Etheridge (D-NC) was recently videotaped assaulting a student reporter on the sidewalk. The student’s offense: asking him a question about his stance on “the Obama agenda.” Etheridge has brushed aside charges that he has broken the law and insists that he was “within my Constitutional rights” in the incident.

While Etheridge’s behavior would appear to fall within the legal definition of felony assault, the Representative claims he is Constitutionally exempt from any charges under Article I, Section 6 of the US Constitution. “The Constitution says that a member of Congress ‘shall not be questioned in any other place,’” Etheridge argued. “A public sidewalk is obviously one of those ‘other places’ contemplated. So, right out of the gate, we see that the person complaining about me was in the wrong.”

“Secondly, members of Congress are immune from arrest while Congress is in session or when members are on their way to and from that session,” Etheridge continued. “Inasmuch as that pretty much covers 24/7 it seems clear that my accusers have no recourse under the law.”

Etheridge said this isn’t the first time he’s had to “get tough with young punks who don’t show proper respect for their betters. It’s a sad commentary on the decline of our civilization when just any nobody thinks he can accost a member of the government anytime and anywhere he wants. If I have to be a one-man army standing against that I will.”

President Targets Lifestyle Modification

This week President Barack Obama signed an Executive Order establishing the National Prevention, Health Promotion, and Public Health Council. The task of this council will be to monitor the nation’s health and prescribe the behavior modifications needed to ensure optimal health.

“Now that the federal government has taken on the responsibility of ensuring that all persons residing in America will have health insurance it is only fitting that we take aggressive steps to control the cost of this undertaking,” the President said. “We all know that bad habits are the major cause of preventable illnesses. Individuals who are unable to refrain from these bad habits on their own need our help. And the fiscal solvency of this nation requires that we impose this help where necessary.”

An initiative the Council will be asked to consider is a mandate for all employers to institute a mandatory exercise period as part of each work shift. “Lack of exercise and sedentary behavior are factors most experts cite as crucial health threats,” said US Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius. “By making physical exercise part of every workday we’ll kill two birds with one stone.”

Sebelius contended that the mandate “won’t cost us a cent. In fact, it’ll save us money over the long run. You go to the office and spend your first 30 minutes getting a physical workout at instead of gabbing, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. What used to be wasted time is now used to boost your health. It’s a win-win deal.”

Jobs that already entail a large component of physical labor will be allowed to apply for waivers, “but we will be looking very closely at these to ensure that the right balance of physical activity is still maintained,” Sebelius added. “Menus at company cafeterias will also be scrutinized to avoid losing the gains from the exercise regimen. Only the most wholesome fare in strictly measured portions will be permitted.”

In a show of solidarity, President Obama has pledged to boost his basketball and golf workouts threefold and has limited gala White House dinners to a maximum of one per week.

Dem Says Bush Given “Free Pass” on Oil Spill

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) contends that “the media are giving former President Bush a ‘free pass.’ The exclusive focus on President Obama’s inaction during the Gulf oil spill overlooks the fact that Bush has done even less to deal with the crisis.”

“At least President Obama has visited the Gulf region,” Hoyer observed. “And the other night he gave a speech from the Oval Office of the White House. Bush, meanwhile, hasn’t been seen or heard from. So, if President Obama’s dithering is a demonstration of poor leadership, what kind of leadership has Mr. Bush provided this country in this time of dire need?”

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Angry Obama Outlines Oil Spill Strategy

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

A visibly angry President Barack Obama vowed “an aggressive approach” for dealing with the British Petroleum (BP) oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. “This stain on my Administration will not go unpunished,” the President promised. “We will spare no effort in our pursuit of justice.”

The President’s first step was to send Attorney General Eric Holder to Louisiana “to scout for suspects that we can hold accountable for this disaster,” the President explained. “There’s got to be somebody somewhere that did the wrong thing or failed to do the right thing. That person or those persons must answer for this crime.”

In addition to a search for those responsible for this crime, the President said he is taking protective measures against “copycat criminals” by “banning all further off-shore drilling until we can be assured that there is no danger of another incident.” The President likened this measure to “a crackdown on guns. If we remove the weapons—in this case, oil drills—by which a crime can be committed we can stop crime before it starts.”

The devastating economic losses to businesses located in the path of the spreading oil pollution will, according to the President, be offset by lawsuits. “The Attorney General has been instructed to render whatever aid is necessary to assist trial lawyers in finding and representing plaintiffs who have been harmed by this spill,” he said. “The silver lining is that this will act as a ‘jobs program’ for the legal profession and a kind of ‘paid vacation’ for the plaintiffs whose lost income and assets will be restored by jury awards.”

As for actually stopping the flow of oil from the blown-out well, the President assured America that “we have called in one of the foremost experts to address this aspect of the problem.” That expert is Hollywood film director James Cameron. In light of the success of his latest movie—Avatar—it is anticipated that his genius in “special effects” will help the Administration change the public’s perception of what is going on in the Gulf.

President Orders Improved Benefits for Homosexual Federal Employees

President Barack Obama “proudly” signed an executive memorandum authorizing the extension of “family” benefits to federal employees who have a homosexual partner.

The President rebuffed fiscal objections as “short sighted.” “Granted, the immediate impact is to add to the government’s financial obligations,” he admitted. “However, the long term projection is favorable.”

The favorable projection stems from, the President said, “the absence of the burdens of reproduction and child-rearing. Unlike so-called ‘straight’ couplings, homosexual partners are in no danger of producing a baby. If we can induce more to choose a homosexual lifestyle our country can avoid a lot of trouble and expense in the future. By signing this order that is what I hope we will accomplish.”

Doctor Says “Forced Abortion” Claim Exaggerated

While Michigan abortionist Dr. Abraham Alberto Hodari has admitted that he forcibly restrained a patient in order to continue with an abortion procedure when the patient wanted him to stop, he maintained that “it was the best option given the circumstances.”

“The assertion that I forced this woman to have an abortion she didn’t want is outrageous,” Hodari said. “I don’t go into the streets to kidnap women so I can abort their babies. They come to me of their own volition.”

“To allow a patient to change her mind in the midst of the procedure would be too risky,” Hodari went on. “Suppose I stop and the baby is born later with disabilities? That’s millions of dollars in liability for a lifetime of expensive care. A 20-year-old girl can’t comprehend what this would do to her and to me.”

“The safer course is always to complete the procedure,” Hodari concluded. “These women can always get pregnant again—obviously, they know how to do that. Besides, whether these women really do want a baby is a question that must remain in doubt. If they do, why do they come to me in the first place?”

Hodari has also been implicated in the deaths of other women who underwent abortions in his office. In June 2009, the Disciplinary Subcommittee of Michigan’s Board of Medicine fined him $10,000 for his role in the death of one of his patients. In addition, numerous complaints have been filed against Hodari for improper disposal of human remains in his dumpster.

Michigan Lawmaker Wants Government to License Journalists

Michigan State Senator Bruce Patterson (R-Lansing) has introduced legislation that would empower the state government to license and regulate journalists.

Patterson claims the legislation is necessary because “an increasing fragmentation of the sources of information is confusing the average person. The legitimate media are being drowned out by an army of amateurs. The Internet has made it affordable for anyone with access to a computer to promulgate his voice. Readers don’t know who they can trust, who to believe.”

Patterson’s bill aims to reduce the difficulty of knowing who to trust by having the state license those authorized to report on the news. “I’m not necessarily saying that those without a license would be shut down,” Patterson said. “But readers have a right to know which sources have been vetted by the state. Think of it as a sort of ‘Good Housekeeping seal of approval.’”

Under the bill, unlicensed amateurs would be subject to penalties if state regulatory officials determine that they have published articles that contain significant “inaccuracies.” “Freedom of speech and the press don’t entail the right to spread lies and untruths,” Patterson contended. “The people have a right to be protected from being misled. As their elected representative I am merely trying to codify this right in the state law.” 

Congressman Inspired by Polls

Representative Alan Grayson (D-Fla) says that recent internal polling done by his campaign has given him renewed faith in America. According to Grayson, substantial majorities among not only Democrats, but Republicans and independents, as well, want him to run for “Emperor of the Universe.”

“The trust the voters have in me is a real boost to my self-confidence,” Grayson boasted. “And while I feel I would be an outstanding emperor I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself on this.”

Grayson said “the creation of the position ‘Emperor of the Universe’ will be my first order of business after I’m reelected to congress. Combined with these poll results, my reelection should provide significant momentum toward garnering the necessary votes to enact the required legislation.”

In related news, Grayson said given the enormous disaster of the Gulf oil spill, advocates of drilling deserve to be jailed. “If nothing else, this calamity ought to prove how criminally wrong our energy policy has been under the Republicans,” Grayson argued. “Criminals belong behind bars. I’d like to be the one who flips the switch that fries [RNC Chairman Michael] Steele. I look forward to working with the President to make this happen.”

Calls for Action against Israel Mount

Israel’s recent interdiction of the reputed humanitarian aid flotilla that was bound for Gaza has inspired angry calls for stern punitive measures.

Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei called for “a coalition of the godly to rid the world of this cancerous tumor called Israel. The barbaric Zionist regime is beyond redemption. Extermination is the only rational option.”

Similar sentiments issued forth from Hezbollah Secretary-General Hassan Nasrallah who insisted “we shall not rest until every Jew in Israel is removed or slain. There can be no peace until this objective is realized.”

The Turkish Ambassador to the United States, Namik Tan, demanded a “final solution to the Jewish presence in Arab lands.” He defended Hamas’ attacks on Israeli civilians as “legitimate strikes by ‘Palestinian resistance fighters’ against an alien oppressor government.”

A more moderate tone was struck by veteran newswoman, Helen Thomas, who suggested that “the Jews in Israel be returned to Germany, Poland, or wherever they originally came from.”

The Obama Administration is reported to be taking these recommendations under consideration. While President Obama has ejected Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu from his visit to the United States, no further action has been yet decided upon.

North Korea Warns World

The North Korean Government warned that it will not stand for any sanctions others may seek to impose on it for the sinking of the South Korean naval vessel Cheonan, in which 46 sailors lost their lives.

“The world will rue the day it raised its hand against our country,” North Korean Deputy Foreign Minister Gung Ho asserted. “We will not shrink from levying a most hideous retaliation.”

Experts speculate that the promised “hideous retaliation” is likely to be yet another test of a nuclear bomb.

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Massachusetts Senate Kills GOP Effort to Block Aid to Illegals

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

The Democratic majority in the Massachusetts State Senate decisively beat back a Republican-sponsored measure that would have barred those in the country illegally from receiving state benefits.

Senator Richard Tisei (R-Middlesex) said the measure was “aimed at making up for some of the federal deficiencies when it comes to protecting our borders. We’re not saying they should be arrested or deported. But we sure as Hell ought not to be forcing taxpayers to subsidize them.”

Senator Sonia Chang-Diaz (D-Boston) contended that Republicans were being “fiscally irresponsible.” “Checking residency status for every person on the welfare rolls costs money,” Chang-Diaz pointed out. “Budgets are already stressed. Where are we supposed to get this money?”

Others took a harsher stance. Dubbing the measure “a kind of ‘Juan Crow’ law,” Senate President Therese Murray (D-Plymouth) said, “It’s racism, pure and simple. Right now, they want to prevent people who need help from getting it. The next thing you know they’ll be trying to prevent them from voting.”

Bill Repealing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Advances in Congress

In a bid to expedite the movement to allow homosexuals to serve openly in the U.S. Armed Forces, Senator Joe Lieberman (I-Conn) introduced what he called “a compromise bill.” The gist of the compromise is that soldiers engaging in consensual sex in the barracks will be restricted to using the lower bunks.

“It’s mostly a safety issue,” Lieberman said. “We can’t expect these lusty young men to abstain from relationships in such close quarters, but we can ask them to exert a modicum of common sense.”

Lieberman also said it is important that we move on this issue now rather than wait for the Pentagon’s report due in December, “because that would be after the November elections and if too many Democratic seats are lost we may not have the votes to change the policy.”

Homosexual activists and analysts have denounced the proposal as too weak. “It doesn’t actually require the military to acknowledge the historic contributions that homosexual soldiers have made,” argued Morris Lester, Chairperson of the Soldiers’ Alliance for Symbiotic Sexuality. “Few people are aware that the greatest warriors of all time—the Spartans—were also pretty thoroughly homosexual.”

In related news, the Pentagon’s annual report on sexual assault in the military for fiscal year 2009 indicates that homosexual assault rates are three times higher than heterosexual assault rates. President Obama is reportedly unperturbed because as Press Secretary Robert Gibbs puts it, “fending off an unwanted homosexual advance is good training for the troops. It inculcates a need for a constant state of readiness that should make sneak attacks by this nation’s enemies that much harder.”

Sestak “Job” Offer Misunderstood Says Emanuel

Allegations by Representative Joe Sestak (D-Penn) that President Obama offered him a job if he would drop his primary challenge against Pennsylvania’s sitting Democratic Senator Arlen Specter may have all been a misunderstanding according to Presidential advisor Rahm Emanuel.

“I can see how Representative Sestak’s over-inflated ego may have persuaded him that the President would ‘hand him a job,’” Emanuel observed. “But Joe has gotten his wires crossed and completely misunderstood what he was being asked to do. All the President wanted was for Joe to serve as an unpaid member on his staff.”

Emanuel dismissed the charge that a federal law was violated. “First of all, as it turned out, nothing really happened,” Emanuel pointed out. “Joe didn’t grasp the opportunity the President extended to him. Second, both he and the President would’ve been consenting adults. So, even if people may be disgusted and appalled, as we learned during the Clinton Administration, no impeachable offense has been committed.”

National Guard Troops’ Border Role Clarified

In response to criticism from advocates for loosened immigration rules, President Obama hastened to clarify the role to be played by the 1200 National Guard troops he recently ordered to patrol the border in Arizona.

“While these troops will do all they can to discourage people from entering the country illegally, they will not be arresting anyone,” the President promised. “Troops will be authorized to shout warnings like ‘go back,’ and ‘there aren’t any jobs here,’ but if those trying to enter persist the troops are instructed to supply food and water, maps and directions if requested to do so by the immigrants.”

The Administration is taking a less aggressive stance in Texas where federal involvement has been limited to the mailing of a letter from Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nipplitaliano formally telling Texas officials to “watch out for possible attempts to infiltrate the border.” The letter approach was defended as “a step up from the do-nothing policies of the previous Administration.”

Clinton Says Americans Need to Pay More Taxes

Satisfied that her efforts in foreign policy have opened the way to lasting world peace, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has focused her attention on a problem that continues to impede the Administration’s progress toward meaningful change.

“As the nations of the world struggle with budgetary deficits we cannot afford to overlook the vast pool of resources still in private hands,” Clinton reminded. “In America unemployment is less than 10%. This means that over 90% have jobs. Hardly anyone is homeless. And a large percentage of the population is overweight. This tells us that there is a surplus of money out there that can be taken to meet the governments’ needs.”

“The trick will be how to secure these resources for use by the government without alienating too many people,” Clinton continued. “It would be counterproductive if a clumsy effort to tap into these resources ended up costing too many Democratic seats in the upcoming November election. We must artfully craft our message if we are to accomplish the needed transfer of these resources.”

Government Employee Fired for Participating in “Tea Party” Rallies

KrisAnne Hall, an assistant state attorney for the Live Oak-based Third Judicial Circuit, was fired from her job for daring to speak out against government excesses during so-called “Tea Party” rallies held in Suwannee County, Florida.

State Attorney Skip Jarvis explained, “a person can’t serve two masters. These Tea Party people are against those of us who are in the government. I gave Ms. Hall the chance to choose which side she was on. She chose unwisely. I had to terminate her employment.”

Jarvis rejected Hall’s argument that her participation in Tea Party activities was the exercise of “protected free speech” on her own time. “It’s not an issue of so-called ‘free speech’ or even ‘free time,’ for that matter,” Jarvis contended. “She was agreeing with and supporting people who are expressing a desire for less government and smaller budgets. No government employee has the right to say such things even on their own time.”

Jarvis also hastened to add that “this firing won’t result in any budgetary savings. I won’t give these enemies of the state the slightest satisfaction. Ms. Hall’s position will be filled by someone who understands where his loyalties must lie if he expects to be on the public payroll.”

Speaker Says Gulf Oil Spill Really Bush’s Fault

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) insisted that the oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico from the British Petroleum (BP) drilling site shouldn’t be blamed on President Obama or the Democrats. Former President Bush is the one she says we should hold accountable.

“We Democrats have been consistently against oil in all its nefarious manifestations,” Pelosi said. “We are against its use to fuel the automobiles that congest our highways. We are against the drilling that despoils our environment. If we had our way oil would cease to exist.”

Pelosi dismissed the connection between BP’s political donations and the actions taken by the Obama Administration before and after the spill. “Look, everyone knows that the President hates the oil companies and what they do,” she asserted. “The President’s waiving of required inspections of BP was in return for donations they made to his campaign. In no way should he be cast as an ally of the oil business. His moratorium on future offshore drilling and his support of higher gasoline prices and reduced driving are proof of that.”

“Bush, on the other hand, was all for the exploitation of this vile substance,” Pelosi pointed out. “He did nothing to deter people’s unnecessary travel. It was okay with him if people drove to work instead of riding public transit. These attitudes fed the insatiable demand for oil that sent companies like BP into dangerous waters in search of ways to profit by meeting this demand. Those of us who understand this reality know who the real villain is behind this mess.”

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