By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The Democratic majority in the Massachusetts State Senate decisively beat back a Republican-sponsored measure that would have barred those in the country illegally from receiving state benefits.
Senator Richard Tisei (R-Middlesex) said the measure was “aimed at making up for some of the federal deficiencies when it comes to protecting our borders. We’re not saying they should be arrested or deported. But we sure as Hell ought not to be forcing taxpayers to subsidize them.”
Senator Sonia Chang-Diaz (D-Boston) contended that Republicans were being “fiscally irresponsible.” “Checking residency status for every person on the welfare rolls costs money,” Chang-Diaz pointed out. “Budgets are already stressed. Where are we supposed to get this money?”
Others took a harsher stance. Dubbing the measure “a kind of ‘Juan Crow’ law,” Senate President Therese Murray (D-Plymouth) said, “It’s racism, pure and simple. Right now, they want to prevent people who need help from getting it. The next thing you know they’ll be trying to prevent them from voting.”
Bill Repealing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Advances in Congress
In a bid to expedite the movement to allow homosexuals to serve openly in the U.S. Armed Forces, Senator Joe Lieberman (I-Conn) introduced what he called “a compromise bill.” The gist of the compromise is that soldiers engaging in consensual sex in the barracks will be restricted to using the lower bunks.
“It’s mostly a safety issue,” Lieberman said. “We can’t expect these lusty young men to abstain from relationships in such close quarters, but we can ask them to exert a modicum of common sense.”
Lieberman also said it is important that we move on this issue now rather than wait for the Pentagon’s report due in December, “because that would be after the November elections and if too many Democratic seats are lost we may not have the votes to change the policy.”
Homosexual activists and analysts have denounced the proposal as too weak. “It doesn’t actually require the military to acknowledge the historic contributions that homosexual soldiers have made,” argued Morris Lester, Chairperson of the Soldiers’ Alliance for Symbiotic Sexuality. “Few people are aware that the greatest warriors of all time—the Spartans—were also pretty thoroughly homosexual.”
In related news, the Pentagon’s annual report on sexual assault in the military for fiscal year 2009 indicates that homosexual assault rates are three times higher than heterosexual assault rates. President Obama is reportedly unperturbed because as Press Secretary Robert Gibbs puts it, “fending off an unwanted homosexual advance is good training for the troops. It inculcates a need for a constant state of readiness that should make sneak attacks by this nation’s enemies that much harder.”
Sestak “Job” Offer Misunderstood Says Emanuel
Allegations by Representative Joe Sestak (D-Penn) that President Obama offered him a job if he would drop his primary challenge against Pennsylvania’s sitting Democratic Senator Arlen Specter may have all been a misunderstanding according to Presidential advisor Rahm Emanuel.
“I can see how Representative Sestak’s over-inflated ego may have persuaded him that the President would ‘hand him a job,’” Emanuel observed. “But Joe has gotten his wires crossed and completely misunderstood what he was being asked to do. All the President wanted was for Joe to serve as an unpaid member on his staff.”
Emanuel dismissed the charge that a federal law was violated. “First of all, as it turned out, nothing really happened,” Emanuel pointed out. “Joe didn’t grasp the opportunity the President extended to him. Second, both he and the President would’ve been consenting adults. So, even if people may be disgusted and appalled, as we learned during the Clinton Administration, no impeachable offense has been committed.”
National Guard Troops’ Border Role Clarified
In response to criticism from advocates for loosened immigration rules, President Obama hastened to clarify the role to be played by the 1200 National Guard troops he recently ordered to patrol the border in Arizona.
“While these troops will do all they can to discourage people from entering the country illegally, they will not be arresting anyone,” the President promised. “Troops will be authorized to shout warnings like ‘go back,’ and ‘there aren’t any jobs here,’ but if those trying to enter persist the troops are instructed to supply food and water, maps and directions if requested to do so by the immigrants.”
The Administration is taking a less aggressive stance in Texas where federal involvement has been limited to the mailing of a letter from Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nipplitaliano formally telling Texas officials to “watch out for possible attempts to infiltrate the border.” The letter approach was defended as “a step up from the do-nothing policies of the previous Administration.”
Clinton Says Americans Need to Pay More Taxes
Satisfied that her efforts in foreign policy have opened the way to lasting world peace, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has focused her attention on a problem that continues to impede the Administration’s progress toward meaningful change.
“As the nations of the world struggle with budgetary deficits we cannot afford to overlook the vast pool of resources still in private hands,” Clinton reminded. “In America unemployment is less than 10%. This means that over 90% have jobs. Hardly anyone is homeless. And a large percentage of the population is overweight. This tells us that there is a surplus of money out there that can be taken to meet the governments’ needs.”
“The trick will be how to secure these resources for use by the government without alienating too many people,” Clinton continued. “It would be counterproductive if a clumsy effort to tap into these resources ended up costing too many Democratic seats in the upcoming November election. We must artfully craft our message if we are to accomplish the needed transfer of these resources.”
Government Employee Fired for Participating in “Tea Party” Rallies
KrisAnne Hall, an assistant state attorney for the Live Oak-based Third Judicial Circuit, was fired from her job for daring to speak out against government excesses during so-called “Tea Party” rallies held in Suwannee County, Florida.
State Attorney Skip Jarvis explained, “a person can’t serve two masters. These Tea Party people are against those of us who are in the government. I gave Ms. Hall the chance to choose which side she was on. She chose unwisely. I had to terminate her employment.”
Jarvis rejected Hall’s argument that her participation in Tea Party activities was the exercise of “protected free speech” on her own time. “It’s not an issue of so-called ‘free speech’ or even ‘free time,’ for that matter,” Jarvis contended. “She was agreeing with and supporting people who are expressing a desire for less government and smaller budgets. No government employee has the right to say such things even on their own time.”
Jarvis also hastened to add that “this firing won’t result in any budgetary savings. I won’t give these enemies of the state the slightest satisfaction. Ms. Hall’s position will be filled by someone who understands where his loyalties must lie if he expects to be on the public payroll.”
Speaker Says Gulf Oil Spill Really Bush’s Fault
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) insisted that the oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico from the British Petroleum (BP) drilling site shouldn’t be blamed on President Obama or the Democrats. Former President Bush is the one she says we should hold accountable.
“We Democrats have been consistently against oil in all its nefarious manifestations,” Pelosi said. “We are against its use to fuel the automobiles that congest our highways. We are against the drilling that despoils our environment. If we had our way oil would cease to exist.”
Pelosi dismissed the connection between BP’s political donations and the actions taken by the Obama Administration before and after the spill. “Look, everyone knows that the President hates the oil companies and what they do,” she asserted. “The President’s waiving of required inspections of BP was in return for donations they made to his campaign. In no way should he be cast as an ally of the oil business. His moratorium on future offshore drilling and his support of higher gasoline prices and reduced driving are proof of that.”
“Bush, on the other hand, was all for the exploitation of this vile substance,” Pelosi pointed out. “He did nothing to deter people’s unnecessary travel. It was okay with him if people drove to work instead of riding public transit. These attitudes fed the insatiable demand for oil that sent companies like BP into dangerous waters in search of ways to profit by meeting this demand. Those of us who understand this reality know who the real villain is behind this mess.”
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