By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Despite the Executive Order President Obama issued barring federal funding of abortions, his Administration has just granted money for the purpose of covering them to three states—Maryland, Pennsylvania and New Mexico. The Executive Order was the “price” for obtaining the votes of a sufficient number of anti-abortion Democrats to achieve passage of the President’s healthcare legislation.
“The President hasn’t gone back on the deal he made with Congressman Stupak,” Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius assured. “These awards are being made on a case-by-case basis. There is no general plan that routinely authorizes federal funds to be used for abortions. Only when my Department is convinced such funding is needed will we provide it.”
Representative Bart Stupak (D-Mich) said he doesn’t blame President Obama. “The US Government is a huge and unwieldy beast,” Stupak observed. “Staffers may have been unaware of his Executive Order or may not have read it. I know I didn’t read it. Heck, I didn’t have time to read much more than a small fraction of the healthcare bill itself before we voted on it.”
Stupak acknowledged that he has received reassurances that the money slated for airport construction in his district isn’t in danger. “At least that part of the deal is still good,” said a much relieved Stupak.
Farrakhan Demands Reparations from Jews
Louis Farrakhan, the “National Representative of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad and the Nation of Islam,” is demanding that Jews make reparations to Blacks for slavery.
“Our research has shown that some of those who dealt in selling Africans into slavery were Jews,” Farrakhan asserted. “And as everyone knows, profiteering from the hardship of others has been a trait that has characterized Jews throughout history. We now call upon these Jews to make restitution for these crimes.”
The fact that no one involved in America’s former slave trade—Jew or non-Jew, White or Black—is still alive didn’t faze Farrakhan. “According to God’s law, the sins of the father are visited upon the son,” he said. “That means that every Jew is responsible for the sins of any Jew.”
Farrakhan cited the current prosperity of Jews as further proof that they should pay reparations. “When we look around we see Jews enjoying high standards of living. They own businesses. They practice professions. Our Black brethren are living lives of squalor—confined to ghettos, afflicted with unwanted pregnancies and illegitimate children, addicted to drugs and lives of crime. It is time that the ill-gotten gains of Jewish slave traders are redistributed to the progeny of their victims.”
Democrat Objects to Ads Linking Him with Pelosi
Pennsylvania senate candidate Representative Joe Sestak (D) said Chamber of Commerce ads linking him with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) are misleading and unfair.
“Their insinuation that I fully support the leftist agenda being led by Speaker Pelosi is a gross distortion,” Sestak insisted. “Voting records show that she and I parted company on numerous occasions.”
Voting records reveal that Pelosi and Sestak voted the same way on 97% of the legislation before the House.
“Besides, I’m campaigning for the Senate,” Sestak added. “Speaker Pelosi isn’t in the Senate. She won’t be able to boss me around from her position in the House. So, charges that I was under her thumb aren’t really relevant anymore. I’ll have a new boss and new marching orders from Senator Reid (D-Nev) once I get to the Senate.”
Former Carter Advisor Appalled by Feckless Obama
Former President Jimmy Carter’s National Security Adviser Zbigniew Brzezinki says he is “sorely disappointed in President Obama. I thought the country had pretty much hit bottom when Jimmy was president. The economy was on the rocks. Our foreign policy was incoherent. It was bad news all around.”
“At least Jimmy was aware that he was failing,” Brzezinki continued. “Obama doesn’t have a clue. The unemployment rate goes down a tick because thousands of people have given up hope of finding a job and Obama hails it as a triumph in enabling more to enjoy the benefits of leisure. It’s like ‘now they can spare the time to come shoot hoops with me.’ I tell you, this is worse than malaise. It’s a nightmare.”
In related news, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) said that “lack of Presidential leadership is endangering Democrats across-the-board. I’ve risked my political career backing his initiatives. Now that they’ve put the nation in the tank voters are turning against us. Why can’t he sic the IRS on our opponents like FDR did? Now there was a President who knew what it takes to stay on top.”
Army’s “Carbon Footprint” Taints War Effort
Representative Gabrielle Giffords (D-Az) took Afghan Commander, General David Petraeus, to task for what she characterized as “willful disregard of the environmental impact of our war effort.”
“There is no policy, no plan to minimize carbon emissions in our military activities,” Giffords charged. “Bombs are dropped and bullets are fired without considering the environmental impact.”
Giffords insisted that she was “not demanding an immediate halt to current military operations in the Middle East. I’m just saying that battle plans should include an environmental impact assessment as a regular part of the process before attacks are launched.”
She also suggested that the Army “put more emphasis on less environmentally damaging methods, like stabbing or clubbing enemy forces in order to minimize the carbon output.”
President Defends Economic Policy
Determined to change the terms of debate about the lackluster performance of the economy during his Administration, a combative President Obama asked voters to remember what it was like when President Bush was in the White House.
“Under the previous Republican Administration over 95% of the labor force was forced to work for a living,” Obama reminded. “We’ve gotten that figure down to 90% and many of those are only working part time. Expanding the opportunity for leisure means more time spent with families, more opportunities to play golf or basketball, more time to do home repairs that had to be put off because the head-of-household had to punch a time clock somewhere else.”
In related news, the President directed the IRS to implement a change in the tax code that will cut trial lawyers’ tax burden by an estimated $1.6 billion per year. By making the change administratively a potentially volatile debate in Congress is averted. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained that “the average person might not appreciate the need for a tax break for attorneys. Republicans in Congress would likely exploit this ignorance to the detriment of a profession that has worked very hard on the President’s behalf.”
Obama Appointee Eager to Cut into Nation’s Medical Expenses
Donald Berwick, President Obama’s recess appointee to head up the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, says he is “itching to take an axe to the nation’s medical bill.”
“The fact is, an inordinately large share of the cost of health care goes to treat a small percentage of the population,” Berwick pointed out. “Surgery, chemo, MRIs aren’t necessary for the vast majority of our health needs. If we can nip off the tail of the bell curve that requires them we’d save a bundle.”
“Bumps, bruises, and sniffles are, by far, the most common ailments for the vast majority of the population,” Berwick went on. “Yet many are denied the most basic of treatments for these ailments because they are uninsured. Sacrificing high-cost therapies for the few in order to serve the many promotes a broader, more egalitarian collective well-being for the whole country.”
Berwick said a target of 8% of GDP spent on health care (about half of what the nation currently spends) is a “reasonable goal. As the President so aptly stated, sometimes just giving a patient a pain pill may be more cost effective than trying to correct the underlying problem. After all, from a philosophic perspective, if a person can’t feel the pain does he really have a problem?”
Supreme Court Nominee Says Congress Can Control what You Eat
Under Senate Judiciary Committee questioning, President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan offered the opinion that Congress may legislate what you can and cannot eat. “The Constitution gives the Government the responsibility to promote the general welfare,” Kagan said. “What a person eats affects his or her welfare. With obesity running rampant in this country, it is clear that many Americans are not good judges of what they put into their mouths. So, does Congress have the authority to tell you to put down that Dorito and pick up that celery stalk? I’d have to say yes.”
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