By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The Congressional Hispanic Caucus, a group of Democratic lawmakers is insisting that the recently enacted health care law be amended to explicitly include coverage for illegal immigrants.
“Many of these immigrants have had arduous journeys across my state,” said Representative Raul Grijalva (D-Ariz). “Some have come concealed in the cargo compartments of trucks where they are packed in like sardines. Others have had to sneak across burning deserts where temperatures routinely exceed 110 degrees. Understandably, injuries and illnesses have resulted. Yet, their illegal status encourages them to shun treatment, lest they be apprehended and sent back.”
“We need to provide for these people,” Grijalva continued. “They should have the security of knowing that their health needs will be met regardless of their legal status or ability to pay. It is their human right. All we are asking is for Congress to formalize and fund that right.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) disagreed with the Hispanic Caucus’ position, saying that “special health care coverage for illegal immigrants won’t be necessary. Once we have granted them amnesty they will enjoy the full benefits extended to every legal resident of this country. Not only will they be eligible for medical treatment, but the entire array of welfare, unemployment compensation, and every other social service government has to offer will be there for them.”
Senator Defends Tax Dodge
Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) rebuffed critics’ complaints that he has dodged taxes he could easily afford to pay on his new $7 million yacht. By berthing the vessel in Rhode Island instead of his home state, Kerry avoided over $400,000 in sales taxes and an annual excise tax of $70,000.
Inasmuch as Kerry has taken the position, as do most Democrats, that the rich do not pay enough taxes—in fact, Vice-President Joe Biden has characterized efforts to avoid or minimize one’s tax burden as “unpatriotic”—his actions strike many as hypocritical.
“Not so,” says Kerry. “As a decorated Vietnam War veteran and long-time public service in the Senate, it is quite clear that I already have done my share of patriotic duty for this country. I don’t think I should be required to do more until everyone else catches up with me on what I have done so far.”
Kerry further contended that he was actually helping to illustrate the inequities among states’ tax codes. “The fact that I have the option to escape taxes by simply taking my business across the border points out one of the flaws of our system,” Kerry argued. “If my action helps to spur a drive for uniform taxes throughout the states I will have done yet another great patriotic deed for my country.”
“And let’s not forget that it is none too clear that the State of Massachusetts would make better use of my money than I am,” Kerry added. “Hardly a day goes by when we don’t hear of the questionable uses on which tax dollars are spent. So, I think most people will agree with my reluctance to fork over more of my cash.”
Feds Argue Arizona Illegal Immigrant Law “Useless”
In its lawsuit against the State of Arizona, Obama Administration Deputy Solicitor General Edwin Kneedler argued that the State’s newly enacted law aimed at cracking down on illegal immigration is “not only an infringement on federal prerogative, but fundamentally a useless undertaking.”
“Immigration is a federal issue,” Kneedler said. “The federal government’s interest overrides that of any and every state in the union. Right now, the federal government doesn’t have the resources to contend with illegal entry across our nation’s borders. Even if the Arizona law were well intended—a point we are not conceding at this time—any illegal immigrants they turn over to federal authorities would just have to be released anyway.”
U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton, seeking clarification asked “are you saying that a person discovered to be in this country illegally by Arizona police during a traffic stop or a burglary, say, and turned over to federal authorities would be let go because the federal government lacks the resources to deal with him?”
“Yes,” Kneedler replied. “So, the State arresting them would just be a big waste of time for all parties.”
Dem Says Requiring Members of Congress to Read Bills before Enacting Them “Unreasonable”
Efforts by House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) to get Democrats to agree to a 72-hour window between compilation of a draft piece of legislation and Congress’ final vote on the measure came to naught.
House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) characterized Boehner’s request as “unreasonable.” “Everybody wants a piece of a legislator’s time,” Hoyer explained. “Our calendars are full for every working hour of the day meeting with people wanting this or that. Between being harangued by protestors and cajoled by lobbyists, there isn’t any time left over to read these bills before we have to vote on them.”
Describing the bills as “behemoths—impossibly long and deathly dull—not something that you’d voluntarily read if you didn’t have to,” Hoyer said he is grateful that “we have staff to take care of that for us. They give us ‘cheat sheets’ we can get by with, just like the nerds did for us when we were in college.”
Hoyer belittled Republican contentions that voters entrust their elected representatives to know what is in a bill before they vote on it. “Voters could give a hoot,” Hoyer said. “They’ve got more exciting things to occupy their time than to keep tabs on who’s reading the bills and who’s not. The idea that they’d vote Republicans in because they’re more diligent readers is laughable. It’s who brings home the bacon that counts on election day.”
Justice Department Rebuffs Inquiry on Kagan Pay
Republican inquiries on whether Elena Kagan is on full pay since relinquishing many of her duties as Solicitor General when President Obama nominated her for the US Supreme Court have been rebuffed by the US Department of Justice.
Attorney General Eric Holder asserted that “we will not be held to ‘bean counting’ standards. The old fashion notion of a so-called ‘fair days pay for a fair day’s work’ that the GOP is trying to impose is inappropriate. Ms. Kagan is a loyal member of this Administration’s team. Whether she does any work or no work, for that matter, is at our discretion. As is whether she is paid and how much.”
“Let me remind you: elections have consequences,” Holder went on. “To the victors belong the spoils. If Republicans ever take back the presidency and they want to reinstitute the kind of ‘wage slavery’ they seem so fond of it will be their choice. Until then they ought to just be quiet.”
Jihad Theme Park opens in Lebanon
The Lebanese Shia militant group Hezbollah has opened a jihad theme park in the southern town of Mleeta near the Israeli border. The million-dollar attraction is named the “Museum for Resistance Tourism.” Thus far, exhibits include documentary videos, an aerial tramway from which visitors can view bombed out Israeli tanks left over from the last war, and several interactive displays.
Park developers hope to add more to the site in the near future—including a “game” that will allow visitors to launch Katyusha rockets into a farming village on the other side of the Lebanese/Israeli border. “We want to give tourists an authentic jihad experience,” said Park spokesman, Mohammed Asfat. “The opportunity to take out a few Jewish occupiers of Palestinian land should be a great attraction for devout Muslims around the world.”
For the time being, visitors will be limited to spraying machine gun rounds at the Israeli village, as is being done by this small boy in the arms of his proud father.
President Calls Sherrod Firing “Racist”
The firing of Shirley Sherrod by Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack was dubbed “racism, pure and simple” by an angry President Barack Obama. Sherrod rose to national attention after a video of her describing how she couldn’t bring herself to assist a white farmer seeking help from the Department during her tour of duty there for the Clinton Administration.
“Many white racists have been allowed to serve long and distinguished careers in the federal government—the late Senator Robert Byrd being among them,” the President recalled. “Singling out Ms. Sherrod as Secretary Vilsack did says we treat minority racists differently. I will not permit this as long as I am president.”
The President instructed Vilsack to “offer Ms. Sherrod another, more important job, both as recompense for her unwarranted dismissal and as a way of relieving her of potential unwanted contact with people she doesn’t like.”
Sherrod said she isn’t sure she wants to resume a post in government “as long people like Breitbart are allowed to continue to broadcast their hateful message. Until these people are silenced we can never have the kind of unity that the President has promised.”
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