Obama Position on WikiLeaks Explained

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

The publication of classified documents related to the Afghan War has put the lives of US troops and native Afghans who have assisted them in danger. US Defense Secretary Robert Gates fears the leak may cause huge damage. Embedded in the documents were names and places that could be used by al-Qaeda or the Taliban to carry out reprisals against specific individuals or towns.

Wikileaks spokesman, Julian Assange said he contacted the Obama Administration prior to publishing the documents. “We wanted to give them the opportunity to redact content that would endanger anyone’s life,” Assange recalled. “After getting no response we went ahead with what we had.”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs called the lapse “a casualty of the President’s overloaded agenda. You’ve got to admit, his plate has been pretty full lately. First there was all that oil pouring into the Gulf of Mexico. Then he had to fire and unfire Shirley Sherrod. It shouldn’t be surprising that something fell through the cracks.”

Gibbs also emphasized that “most, maybe all, of these documents were written during the previous administration. Any redacting that ought to have been done seems like the responsibility of former President Bush and his minions. And as we all know, that mess was here when President Obama arrived.”

President Blames Sherrod Fiasco on Media

President Obama appeared on the TV program “The View” and explained that “I hold the media responsible for the entire Shirley Sherrod incident. When they showed tapes indicating she was a racist I panicked and had her fired. It was only later that I learned she had recanted her earlier views.”

The President opined that “if we had a better system for vetting stories before the media can run with them things like this wouldn’t happen. I think the FCC needs to take a more proactive role in reviewing and approving items intended for broadcast to help protect the public from possibly misleading information.”

Pelosi Says Bad Polls Result of Effective Legislative Session

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) attributed the Democrats’ unfavorable election prospects to “an exceptionally effective legislative session. Now that we have delivered the goods a lot of voters are satisfied that the heavy lifting is already done. They think they can rest easy come November.”

“We’ve made great strides in passing healthcare and getting the economy back on track,” Pelosi said. “But much remains to be done. There are 20 million undocumented residents we need to make citizens. We need to change lifestyles that continue to waste energy on needless private travel. And the majority of the nation’s resources are still in private hands—we need to tip the balance on that.”

“Now’s no time for Democrats to be complacent,” she warned. “The transformation is barely underway. It could easily be undone if we allow the reins to slip from our hands.”

Panel Recommends Reprimand for Rangel

A four-member panel for the House of Representatives has recommended that former Chairman of the Ways and Means Committee, Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY), be punished with a formal reprimand for a list of ethical violations he committed. The violations include tax evasion and fraudulent use of public funds.

A reprimand, in which Rangel would be publicly told he has been a “bad boy” by the Speaker of the House, is deemed a “sufficient and prudent consequence,” said Representative Gene Green (D-Texas), chairman of the ethics investigative subcommittee. “Although many others in the private sector have gone to prison for similar offenses, they did not have the stature of Representative Rangel. We felt it would be inappropriate to cast him among the ranks of common criminals. After all, he, like us, is a member of Congress. If we don’t stick up for each other we are inviting widespread disrespect for our authority.”

As part of the deal, “Representative Rangel would be forced to humiliate himself by openly apologizing to his fellow members of Congress for besmirching all of our reputations,” Green added. “Humility is not something that comes easy to people like us. I’m sure it will be an arduous and trying experience for him. This ‘pound of flesh’ extraction should serve notice to voters that we are enforcing our own standards.”

Amnesty by Executive Order under Consideration

Concerned that “a contentious and politically spineless Congress may not be able to accomplish the job,” the Department of Homeland Security’s Citizenship and Immigration Service (CIS) is looking into mechanisms by which “the President’s goal of putting undocumented residents on the path to citizenship may be accomplished.”

One possible mechanism would be for the President to issue an Executive Order mandating that “qualified individuals be granted immediate amnesty.”

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nipplitaliano sought to downplay criticism by insisting that “this is no ‘blanket amnesty.’ Not everyone will qualify. It would be up to CIS to determine if someone doesn’t warrant it.” She also urged members of Congress to “look at the upside for themselves. If the President does this by his own authority they can all run on anti-immigration platforms this November. This should pretty effectively dilute the distinctions and lessen the impact of the Tea Party movement on election day outcomes—ensuring that Democrats retain the majority in both the House and Senate.”

Mexican Government Cheers Bolton Ruling

Mexican Foreign Minister Patricia Espinosa declared US Judge Susan Bolton’s ruling invalidating Arizona’s attempt to enforce the law against illegal immigration “a step in the right direction.”

“By rights, the territory currently going by the name of Arizona belongs to Mexico,” Espinosa contended. “It was stolen from us in 1848 by a war of aggression carried out by the US government. Governor Brewer is not a governor of our choosing. She has no moral authority to try to exclude Mexicans from freely moving about in what should be their own land.”

Espinosa said her government “looks forward to the day when this land will be peacefully restored to its rightful owners. In this regard, President Obama has assured me that if the voters of Arizona choose to repatriate the state to Mexico he will not impede the working of this democratic will.”

An envisioned second step in the right direction is “amnesty for the 20 million Mexicans living in the United States,” Espinosa suggested. “The right to vote is a human right that should not be denied because of the color of one’s skin or place of birth. On this, both we and President Obama agree. So, I am optimistic for the future.”

Crooks Entitled to Unemployment Compensation President Says

Insisting that the inclusion of Leslie Macko, a Charlottesville, Va, woman who was dismissed from her job as an aesthetician at a spa after being found guilty of prescription drug fraud at his political rally last week was not a “gaffe,” President Obama argued that “the sting of unemployment hurts, no matter who you are.”

“People are telling me that unemployment benefits were never intended to go to people who’ve lost their jobs due to crime or malfeasance,” Obama said. “But that’s not what the law says, nor how I see it. The fact is, Ms. Macko needs government assistance more than the vast majority of those who are unemployed. If you’re let go through no fault of your own there’s no stigma attached that blocks you from getting another job. But when you’ve got a criminal record employers don’t want to hire you. You could be out of work for years.”

The President suggested that “the long run solution for those convicted of criminal offenses might be to either extend their unemployment compensation indefinitely or to expunge their criminal records. Look, if a business were unaware of these records they’d have no compunctions about hiring these people.”

Lying Best Political Strategy Says Professor

Mary Frances Berry, Geraldine R. Segal Professor of American Social Thought and Professor of History at the University of Pennsylvania and former chairwoman of the United States Commission on Civil Rights during the Clinton Administration, advises Democrats to lie about Tea Partiers.

“Calling these Tea Partiers ‘racists’ is an effective strategy for Democrats,” Berry wrote. “There’s no evidence that they’re any more racist than most other white people, but levying the charge sets up a distraction that can muffle their message of smaller government and lower taxes.”

“Getting the focus shifted off the wrecked economy and high unemployment that voters may be apt to blame on the President and Democratic majority in Congress is essential if we hope to stave off an election disaster,” Berry emphasized.

As to whether consciously lying for political gain is an ethical thing for a professor to promote, Berry argued that “in war, all is fair. The consequences of losing control of the government are too great to pull any punches. Lying, cheating, stealing—whatever it takes to keep the Republicans out—is okay in my book. There is a greater good that we are fighting for. We mustn’t allow ourselves to get squeamish over petty bourgeois ethics.”

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