By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

Frustrated by the reluctance of consumers to open their wallets and spend the country back into prosperity, the Federal Reserve Bank is said to be considering imposing “negative interest rates.” Under this concept, savings depositors would be charged interest while borrowers would be paid interest.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke explained, “We’re at our wits end on this recession thing. Despite our attempts to float the economy on a wave of newly created money too many people are simply hoarding their cash. Granted, people are fearful of losing their jobs and want to preserve cash to pay for necessities in case they do. But this is thwarting our efforts to manage the economy.”

Bernanke argued that “by levying interest charges against savings deposits we will discourage hoarding. And by rewarding borrowers by paying them interest on what they borrow we will stimulate spending. I admit, I’m a little bit sheepish about the fact that we didn’t glom onto this idea sooner. But better late than never.”

US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner hailed the Fed’s proposal as “a stroke of genius. The US Government is the biggest borrower in the world. If we can get paid for what we borrow there will be no limit to what we can do for this country. Each dollar of new debt will bring in even more money. Programs we thought were unaffordable will now turn into ‘cash cows’ for the US Treasury.”

Geithner pronounced himself to be untroubled by the question of who might be expected to lend the US Government money if they had to pay interest for the privilege. “I can envision some good reasons for people to buy our bonds,” Geithner said. “On the one hand, they could take pride in helping fund the President’s progressive agenda. On the other, they will be earning credibility with the President that could come back to them many-fold when it comes to doing business with the Administration.”

In related news, the Federal Reserve is appealing a court order to disclose to whom it gave “bailout” money. The Fed contends that “revealing who has received this money is a breach of the confidentiality that is necessary if we are to successfully guide the economy. Secrecy is integral to our processes. In addition, having to stop and answer questions about who got what and why would impede our ability to ensure that resources are swiftly reallocated to where they are most needed to promote economic stability.”

Veep Says Tax Hikes on Rich Won’t Harm Economy

The looming boost in tax rates that will occur when the “Bush” tax cuts expire on December 31 is no cause for alarm says Vice-President Joe Biden.

“Rich people have far more money than they need,” Biden asserted. “Passing a little more of it over to the government won’t hurt them a bit.”

As for the ripple effect on the economy, Biden insisted that “any expenditures that are foregone will be more than made up for. Let’s say some rich guy has to give up a vacation at Martha’s Vineyard. Well, as the President is showing this very week, one trip by the First Family is worth many times as much to that economy. Not only is the President and his family spending money, but there’s the Secret Service, presidential aides—the White House cook is there with them, you know—and the whole media crew covering him. So, I’m not worried that the economy will suffer because of higher taxes.”

As for the argument that higher taxes will reduce the amount that the rich can invest in job-creating businesses, Biden was equally dismissive. “The government will invest this money far more effectively than if we were to leave it in private hands,” Biden boasted. “Private investment is focused on profit. They’ll only provide a job if that job produces a net gain to the business. Government can spend on creating jobs even if these jobs produce nothing of value. Without being obsessed profit there is no limit to how many jobs the government can create.”

As a case in point, Biden cited the National Institutes of Health’s $1.4 million study of male prostitutes in Vietnam’s Ho Chi Minh City. “Here’s work that no private investor would fund,” Biden said. “Yet, thanks to government spending real people have jobs that wouldn’t otherwise exist. That these people also get to travel to Vietnam and help build bridges of understanding with a former enemy of this country is a byproduct of the sort that we would be unlikely to ever see from the private sector.”

Obama Administration Cracks Down on Kindles

University efforts to test Amazon’s electronic readers—Kindles—as substitutes for standard textbooks has run into trouble with the Obama Administration. The idea behind using Kindles is to save money by supplanting bulky paper-based books with lighter and smaller electronic devices. For example, one small hand-held Kindle could hold all the books needed for a four-year degree.

Despite the seemingly obvious benefits, the Justice Department’s Civil Rights Division is threatening legal action against any school that might be tempted to try the devices. Thomas Perez, head of the Civil Rights Division, warns that the devices violate the Americans with Disabilities Act.

“Even though uses of the devices are voluntary and no one unable to use the device would be made any worse off than they were under the old system, allowing some to save money and avoid the inconvenience of lugging around heavy texts cannot be permitted,” Perez declared. “Progress that isn’t uniform across all demographics is discriminatory. Until all can take the same step into the future, no one must be allowed to inch ahead.”

Perez characterized the need to prevent Kindles “one of the easy calls. We’re still struggling with other inequalities that plague our educational system. Many students are held back by deficiencies in energy or intelligence. Their need and desire for a degree is just as real as their more gifted peers, but their abilities may not be up to it. We’ve got to level this playing field.”

One idea gaining some traction is a “handicapping” system along the lines used in golf, bowling and horse racing. “If we can figure out how much of an extra burden to put on those with more ability it would give everyone a fair chance of winning a college degree,” Perez said. “It would be a way of equalizing the pursuit of happiness promised in the Declaration of Independence.”

Biden Dismisses Misuse of Stimulus Funds

Vice-President Joe Biden dismissed criticism that stimulus money is being corruptly diverted. Charges that some of the funds targeted for “home weatherization” were being awarded to political cronies for incompetently done work or for no work at all, “miss the point” according to Biden.

“The crucial objective of any stimulus program is to spend money,” Biden chided. “To carp about the money going to crooks doesn’t refute the fact that the money still got spent. In the big picture, it makes no difference whether the funds were spent as ‘wisely’ as some are now demanding. Besides, it’s been my experience that crooks tend to be bigger spenders than so-called hard-working, honest people. So, on balance, it’s probably a shame that more of the stimulus money wasn’t diverted to crooks.”

Obama Administration Apologizes for Insult to Islam

The Dove World Outreach Center’s plans to burn Qurans on the September 11th anniversary of the deadly attacks on the US by Muslim jihadis sparked demands for punitive action by United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights, Navanethem Pillay.

The Obama Administration’s Ambassador to the UN Commission for Human Rights, Eileen Chamberlain Donahoe, penned a letter of apology stating that “while we fully concur in your feelings of outrage over this offense, we cannot comply with your requested punitive actions since we currently lack the statutory authority to ‘cast these desecrators into the fiery pits of Hell.’ If it is of any consolation, the President and his legal advisors are researching the possibility of meeting your request through the mechanism of an executive order.”

Crist Clarifies Position on Health Care Law

Claiming that he “misspoke” during a recent interview, Florida senatorial candidate Charlie Crist (I) sought to “clear away any misunderstandings that may have arisen as a result.”

“What I meant to say was that the health care bill is a large and complex undertaking,” Crist said. “In such a complex undertaking there are bound to be parts that voters would find disagreeable. I want to assure these voters that I would have voted against these parts.”

“At the same time, there are other parts of the legislation that are good parts that we absolutely need to have,” Crist continued. “I want to assure voters that I would’ve voted for these good parts.”

Crist vowed that “my balanced and flexible approach is my pledge as your next senator. You can count on me to be for the things that you are for and against the things that you are against. My opponents will try to persuade you that a policy is either right or wrong, necessary or wasteful, that there is a moral or prudential reason for some government action. If you want this kind of rigidity, then vote for them. But if you don’t know the difference between right and wrong or are unsure of what makes sense, them I’m your man.”

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By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

With the controversy over the location of a new, $100 million mosque near the spot of the 9-11 attack heating up, leading luminaries of the Democratic Party have come out in favor of going ahead with it as planned.

From the White House we have observed President Obama giving his blessing to the project, both in words and deeds. “Building this mosque adjacent to the site of the worst massacre of civilians in US history opens up a dialogue between proponents of Islam and what are termed ‘unbelievers,’” the President said. “And dialogue is what America is all about. That’s why the project must go forward.”

To show that his commitment goes beyond just words, the Administration has provided funding to help mosques get built. On the one hand, the US State Department is granting $16,000 for the Ground Zero Mosque’s Imam, Feisal Abdul Raul, to go on a round-the-world trip to raise donations to support the mosque’s construction. Raul thanked the President for “his support in helping spread Islam and bringing America a step closer to the day when sharia law shall replace the ‘devil’s document’ that now rules the land.” The ‘devil’s document’ is believed to be the US Constitution.

On the other hand, the US State Department has been quietly supplying funds for the construction of mosques in other countries. So far, mosques in Tanzania, Egypt, and Iraq have received funding from the United States government. Though normally quick to pounce on government aid to religious institutions, the ACLU has refrained from intervening on the grounds that “the government’s support of these mosques is undertaken for political rather than religious motivations,” said ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty.

Democratic National Committee Chair Tim Kaine said he “would be just as supportive of building a synagogue near the site if Jewish fanatics had been the ones who had destroyed the World Trade Center on 9-11. The fact that Muslim jihadis were responsible doesn’t change my commitment to freedom of religion one bit.”

Senator Russ Feingold (D-Wisc) expressed his concern that “a person’s position on this mosque will be used to affect the outcome of upcoming elections. This is a violation of the McCain-Feingold regulations that prohibit groups from speaking out against members of Congress during the 60 days before an election.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) demanded that those opposing the mosque be investigated by the US Department of Justice. “Our leader, President Obama, has already decided that this mosque deserves our support,” Pelosi said. “To persist in opposing it at this point is disloyal and tends to undermine his authority to rule America. Those committing such treasonous acts should face the full punishment permitted by law.”

President Blames His Poor Performance Rating on Congress

Taking a page from former President Harry Truman’s 1948 campaign, President Barack Obama blamed his plummeting job performance numbers on what he dubbed a “do nothing Congress.”

“In a time that calls for sacrifice in the nation’s best interest, too many members of Congress are focused on petty concerns,” the President complained. “Among these petty concerns are worries about being reelected. It’s not as if I don’t already have measures in place to avert this risk. Besides, a seat in Congress is a short term accomplishment compared to a transformation that will reshape America for the next millennium.”

“Even worse is the bickering over the minor improprieties of a few members of Congress,” the President continued. “It is bad enough that a few tried to use their office for personal gain. What’s worse is their refusal once caught to quietly fall on their swords for the sake of the Party and my program.”

What Congress should be doing according to the President is “spending more money and raising more taxes. Enormous sums of money still remain in private hands. This pool of funds needs to be aggressively appropriated for the public good. But even if Congress balks at raising taxes, the Federal Reserve stands ready to manufacture as much new money as we require to fund added stimulus spending. So they have no excuse for not enacting additional legislation to get this money out the door and into the economy.”

Overall, the President said he would give Congress “a ‘D’” for what he labeled “a poor performance due mostly to lack of effort.” He refused to elaborate further as he said he was running behind schedule for his Martha’ Vineyard vacation trip, thus far, his sixth vacation trip this year.

Biden Confident of Election Outcome

Vice-President Joe Biden urged fellow Democrats not to place too much faith in polls that forecast massive losses for the Party in the upcoming election.

“Republicans may be euphoric over the prospect that the majority of those being polled say they are going to vote GOP in November,” Biden observed. “But as a wise statesman once said, it is not those who cast the votes that decide the outcome, but those who count the votes. And when it comes to counting we are still in the driver’s seat.”

As a show of confidence, Biden said he is willing to take anyone’s bet against the Democrats holding onto their majorities in the House and Senate—offering hundred-to-one odds: a hundred of your dollars to each one of his.

White House Spokesman Defends President’s Faith

Rankled that there appears to be rising doubt about President Obama’s religious beliefs, White House spokesman Bill Burton sought to allay concerns by personally attesting to his own observations.

“Those who question the President’s beliefs haven’t seen him as I have,” Burton pointed out. “I’ve personally seen him prostrate himself in prayer several times a day. And he’s just started on a fast to show his devotion to his faith. So, there is no doubt in my mind that the President is a God-fearing man.”

“Cost of Government Day” Observed

For the year 2010, “Cost of Government Day” fell on August 19. This day marks the division point between the amount of time individuals must work to pay taxes and the cost of government regulations and the amount of time they work for their own benefit. This year the split is 63% going toward the cost of government and only 37% going toward personal benefit.

Though most Americans would likely consider having almost two-thirds of their work effort go toward supporting government ‘getting the short end of the stick,’ Representative Pete Stark (D-Calif) advised people to “not whine too much about it. Government can pretty much do whatever it wants. This includes taking every cent you earn or own. So, people should be grateful that they have any time to work for themselves.”

Bloomberg Endorses Sestak

Though nominally a “Republican,” New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg flew to Pennsylvania to give a ringing endorsement of Democratic Representative Joe Sestak’s campaign for U.S. senator.

Bloomberg said he was throwing his support to Sestak “because he’s my kind of guy. He understands the need for the government to take a larger role in controlling society. For example, Joe has taken the initiative to try to rein-in excessive gun ownership. I also think he agrees with me that we need to take stronger action against people’s unhealthy habits and diets. And I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t oppose the building of a mosque near the site of the crash of Flight 93. So, what’s not to like about him?”

Congressman Bans Signs from “Town Hall” Meeting

Representative Tom Perriello (D-Virginia) prohibited the displaying of signs at his summer town hall meeting with constituents. Attendees were told “you can bring your opinions, but you cannot bring signs inside.”

Perriello insisted that his ban was aimed at encouraging free speech. “Look, speech is something that comes out of a person’s mouth,” he explained. “In my opinion, a sign just doesn’t qualify as ‘speech.’”

The congressman also argued that permitting signs would “interfere with the smooth flow of debate. We have one microphone for people to use when making comments. My staff hands that microphone to the person we are allowing to speak. A person with a sign can make his point to the media and other attendees without being called on. We’d lose control of the meeting. Keeping the signs out is a means of keeping the meeting within an orderly framework that insures the discussion doesn’t get off track. After all, I think everyone recognizes that some opinions are better left unspoken.”

Bankers Say Government Backing of Mortgages Essential

High ranking members of the banking industry met with the Obama Administration to urge it to “keep the spigots flowing” by continuing to pour federal money into financial markets.

“Access to the federal treasury is crucial,” said a spokesman for the industry insisting on anonymity. “We’ve got a sh*tload of bad debt on our hands. Without government money our stock value goes in the toilet and we can kiss our million dollar bonuses goodbye. So, I think you can see why we’re highly incentivized to press for continued aid on this issue.”

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Michelle Malkin: McCain Supported Everything that theTea Party Movement Stood Against

Arizona Overcome by Green Phobia

Tea Party Activist Jeff Smith Running for Arizona’s 6th Congressional District

The Case against McCain for Senate Re-Election

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

Left wing activist Erica Payne denounced the “Tea Party” for “bringing disrespect of our government and our president to new levels of depravity. They are against everything that is good in America.” Saying “the time for reasoned debate is over,” Payne urged “all right thinking people to put aside tolerance of different opinions and stick it to these Neanderthals.”

Payne said she finds the Tea Party’s anti-tax stand particularly “dangerous.” “Taxes are the key to taking resources from the hands of selfish individuals and placing them in the hands of government where they can do some good,” Payne contended. “The argument that people need this money to feed their families is bogus. Americans are way too fat. If higher taxes make them eat less we’ll all be better off.”

In contrast to what she characterized as “an over-fed, over-housed, over-clothed American population, the government is starved for the resources it needs to create a more wholesome lifestyle for future generations,” Payne argued. “If all these decisions could be centralized under one authority there would be a more efficient and equitable distribution of the Earth’s bounty. Superfluous expenditures aimed at catering to individual eccentricities would be curbed and a more cost-effective uniform pattern of consumption could be imposed.”

Payne is a former Democratic National Committee member. She previously founded other organizations like the “Democracy Alliance,” a well-heeled group of liberal donors whose have invested over $100 million in so-called “progressive organizations.”

Dems Say Citizenship for Illegals Essential

Republicans raising the issue of possibly denying automatic US citizenship for children born to persons illegally in the country struck a nerve in the Obama Administration.

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Nipplitaliano called the idea “just wrong.” “America has always been the land of opportunity,” Nipplitaliano said. “That’s why people come here. If we cut off their path to citizenship it’s like saying we don’t welcome them and they’ll stop coming.”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs called efforts to deter illegal immigration “the wrong approach.” “We need to be expediting the legalization of those already here, not penalizing them for their initiative in getting here.”

Both Nipplitaliano and Gibbs criticized Republicans for “rejecting the leadership shown by President Obama.” “With a little cooperation from just a few Republicans we could have 10 million new naturalized voters on the rolls by the next presidential election year,” Gibbs pointed out. “Yet, rather than participating in such a landmark accomplishment the GOP wants to close the door of opportunity.”

In related news, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) admitted his puzzlement over the fact that not every Hispanic-American is a Democrat. “I mean, we’re the ones who put them on the gravy train,” Reid bragged. “The benefits they’re getting from the government—welfare, unemployment, healthcare—were all our ideas. Democrats are the champions of the lower classes. Why wouldn’t they all vote for us?”

Homosexual Bar Near Ground Zero Mosque Called “Travesty”

The plan to build a mosque near the site of the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center buildings took a new twist when an investor announced his plan to locate a homosexual bar across the street. Greg Gutfeld says the bar is “an effort to break down barriers and reduce homophobia among Muslims.”

The planned bar was labeled “insensitive” by Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “Homosexuality is considered a sin by devout Muslims,” Bloomberg asserted. “For Mr. Gutfeld, a Jew, to try to insert such a den of depravity so close to a place of worship is a travesty. No good can come of it.”

Mosque spokesman, Malik Killayu went even further, calling the placement of the proposed bar “a virtual declaration of war. Gutfeld may imagine he is opening a dialog, but he should not be surprised if a righteous Muslim opens his head with an axe for this offense against Allah and his children.”

In another travesty, a group of high school students singing the National Anthem outside the Lincoln Memorial was shocked to be stopped in mid-verse by Capitol Police. The song, it seems, is deemed “too one-sided.” “The President is trying to reach out to other countries,” explained Officer Jamaal Ahmed. “Foreigners visiting the Capitol shouldn’t be disturbed by the bellicose phrases of this ode to American might.”

First Lady to Hit the Campaign Trail

Since many Democratic candidates have been quietly rebuffing offers from President Obama to make campaign appearances with them, the White House is now pushing First Lady Michelle Obama into the breach.

Though not terribly enthusiastic about the idea, Michelle says her recent trip to Spain has her in an upbeat mood. “You know, the President is very popular in Spain,” she boasted. “The king says he wishes more Americans were like him. And I think it’s a pretty safe bet that my husband will carry this state in the 2012 election.”

The First Lady deflected criticism of her expensive vacation in Spain, insisting that “my daughter and I paid our own way.” Nevertheless, taxpayers were hit with a $75,000 per day tab for security for the First Lady, her daughter and the large entourage of friends who accompanied them.

Democrats Rebut Quayle Ad

Miffed by a campaign ad put out by a GOP aspirant to an Arizona congressional seat, Democrats unleashed a stinging rebuttal. The ad in question called President Obama the “worst president in history” and was paid for by Ben Quayle, son of former Vice President Dan Quayle.

Brad Woodhouse, spokesman for the Democratic National Committee, took aim at Quayle for the ad. “First of all, let me point out that President Obama has been in office for less than two years,” Woodhouse observed. “There’s still time for him to rally from his poor start. Second, Quayle really lacks the standing to criticize the president. Quayle isn’t running for president. What he has to say about him isn’t relevant, especially since his father was the worst vice-president up until Joe Biden.”

Woodhouse suggested that “Quayle should stay in his own league. If he wanted to say that Harry Mitchell (D-Ariz.) or Gabrielle Giffords (D-Ariz.)—the one who wants our troops to stab instead of shoot terrorists—or whoever he’s running against out there is the worst congressman, then maybe I’d cut him some slack.”

Gibbs Suggests Drug-Testing for President’s Critics

Frustrated by criticism from the left, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs wanted to know “what these people are smoking” and suggested that they be “tested for hallucinogenic drugs.”

“With all due respect, I think they need to step back and consider what is politically feasible,” Gibbs advised. “The President is working as hard as he can to transform America. Will we eventually get nationalized healthcare? Yes. Will we have total nuclear disarmament? Yes. But it will take time. What we need from our friends on the left is credit for the strides we’ve made and the patience to wait for the proper timing for the changes we all want to see happen.”

Obama Protestors Arrested

President Obama’s fund-raising visit to the University of Texas inspired a spirited protest by a small group of critics. Lest the President be excessively troubled by the discord of non-universal acceptance, University Police stepped in and arrested the four demonstrators. The four were charged with “abuse of the freedom of speech privilege.”

“University rules require that free speech be restricted to the designated ‘free speech zone,’” explained campus administration spokesman Russell Bowdler. “This is an institution of higher learning. We can’t allow people to say anything they want anywhere that they want, especially when they are disrespecting the President and our government. By making an example of these four we are taking a stand against the anarchy they represent.”

John Bush, one the arrestees and the director of Texans for Accountable Government, argued that “surely our Constitutional right to freedom of speech has to take precedence over the University’s ‘speech code.’ The tiny space designated as the ‘free speech zone’ wasn’t near where the President was speaking and the audience was gathered. If we can’t take our message to where the people are what good can our speaking do?”

Bowdler called Bush’s claim to Constitutional protection “a matter of interpretation. Until someone of higher authority tells us otherwise we will enforce the rules we deem fit for the campus environment. As for Bush and his compadres now having criminal records, well, my heart bleeds for them. If they want to be dissidents then they have to pay the price. After all, I think I heard that freedom isn’t free. Mr. Bush, et al. should consider this episode a down payment on their precious freedom of speech philosophy.”

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Michelle Malkin: McCain Supported Everything that theTea Party Movement Stood Against

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Tea Party Activist Jeff Smith Running for Arizona’s 6th Congressional District

The Case against McCain for Senate Re-Election

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News 

Working under the premise that the burden of debt is what is stifling economic recovery, the Obama Administration is said to be devising a plan to revamp debt repayment rules. The gist of the plan is that those who can afford to pay will be tapped to make up for those who can’t.

“The vast majority of Americans have more than they need,” observed Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. “At the same time, an unfortunate minority can’t repay their debts. This mountain of unpaid debt is constipating our economy. By shifting some of the sterile assets currently in the hands of those who could easily do without them to help cover these debts we’ll be able to get the economy moving again.”

The current program providing federal stimulus money to help debtors shift some of their debt to taxpayers is deemed “a good start, but woefully inadequate,” Geithner said. “This program only covers about 75% of the debt of those who apply for assistance. And it offers no help to those who are too lazy or ignorant to fill out the application paperwork.”

The new plan under consideration would bypass the paperwork by simply routing the bills on defaulted loans directly to the US Treasury. “Those who couldn’t make payments wouldn’t have to worry about losing their homes,” Geithner pointed out. “Banks wouldn’t be dunning them or initiating foreclosures. They’d just forward the bills to the government. The process would be streamlined and the risks of insolvency and homelessness would be averted. It’s a ‘win-win’ scenario we should’ve thought of earlier.”

Funding for the new program is slated to come from the expiration of the so-called “Bush tax cuts” on December 31, 2010 and from additional money to be created by the Federal Reserve Bank.

Mosque Funding Irrelevant Says Bloomberg

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg downplayed fears that funding for the controversial “ground zero mosque” might originate from unsavory sources.

“Do we really want to get into the habit of questioning where a religious institution obtains its funding?” Bloomberg asked. “Could al-Qaeda be among those contributing to the construction of this place of worship? Perhaps, but is this any of our business?”

Bloomberg advised that fears that jihadists might use the mosque to plot additional strikes on New Yorkers are exaggerated. “Members of the mafia are often donors to Catholic churches,” Bloomberg asserted. “Are we concerned that they might use these churches in the furtherance of their criminal schemes? Let’s face it. Living with criminals and terrorists in our midst is just a fact of life in the 21^st century. Get used to it.”

NY Times Goes to Bat for Embattled Congressman

Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY) won’t have to face a House Ethics Committee trial alone. The venerated New York Times’ editors have offered up their support. In an unsigned editorial titled “Everybody Does It,” the Times brain trust has presented a sterling defense on Rangel’s behalf.

“So, Congressman Rangel has chiseled on his taxes and misused public funds,” they wrote. “Pardon us for quibbling, but isn’t this pretty much standard practice for those in public office? The temptations of power are immense. Who can really be faulted for succumbing?”

The editors urged “a consideration of context and magnitude be undertaken before we render judgment on this long-tenured public servant. The amount of money we’re talking about is small—less than what the Secret Service is spending guarding the First Family’s vacation in Spain. And, unlike the Spanish vacation, most of Mr. Rangel’s ill-gotten gains have been recycled right here in the American economy.”

“The ultimate cure for financial malfeasance in both the public and private sectors,” according to the Times’ editors, “is the abolition of money. Until we get filthy lucre out of the equation, there will always be abuses.” In place of money, the Times’ editors suggested that “every position in society come with a standard package of amenities that are provided as a matter of course. People wouldn’t need money to obtain these amenities and couldn’t be tempted to abuse their position in order to get it.”

In related news, Representative G.K. Butterfield (D-NC), one of the congressmen who will sit on the panel judging the evidence against Rangel, has refused to recuse himself or return Rangel’s $3,000 donation to his reelection campaign. “The idea that I could be influenced for such a piddling sum is an insult to my intelligence and integrity,” Butterfield said. “Besides, by keeping the money people will be impressed by my incorruptibility when I vote to hang him.”

President Boasts Auto Bailout Helps Ford

President Obama rejected the notion that since it did not receive federal bailout money Ford’s economic health owes nothing to his policies.

“Let me remind the executives of the Ford Motor Company that it was I who saddled General Motors with the ridiculous task of producing the Chevy Volt,” the President bragged. “This car is so dysfunctional that any sane motorist is more likely to run to buy a Ford product. The fact that so many have redounds to my credit.”

“Not to be overlooked,” the President added, “is the marketing edge Ford got from rebelling against a government bailout. Motorists who resented seeing their tax dollars flow to the GM corporation and its unions were given the opportunity to express their opposition by buying Ford vehicles.”

The President contended that “the long run prospects for Ford are enhanced, as well. Quality and service are not attributes one associates with government. The influence of government ownership of GM and Chrysler will be an enduring ‘poison pill’ that should help keep Ford ahead of its traditional rivals for many years to come.”

Senator Denounces Impact of Health Care Legislation

An angry Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) castigated Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius for “cuts in Medicare that will adversely affect the well-being of my constituents.”

In her defense, Sebelius pointed out that “the cuts in question were mandated by the bill Senator Reid helped push through Congress. I didn’t just willy-nilly decide to take an axe to funding the benefits Medicare pays for. I’m following the law.”

Reid admitted that he wasn’t aware that the law mandated the cuts. “If I’d known before we passed it I’d have slipped in an exemption for Nevada,” Reid lamented. “But I’m still torqued at the haste with which Secretary Sebelius is acting. I’ve got a tough election this November. If she had waited until after that I’d have six years for voters to have forgotten all about it.”

Black Caucus Denounces Charges against Waters

The upcoming ethics trial of Representative Maxine Waters (D-Calif) has irked members of the Congressional Black Caucus. Waters is accused of improperly using her position in Congress to aid a bank in which her husband is a substantial shareholder.

“A Congressperson is supposed to help her constituents,” Representative Barbara Lee (D-Calif) argued. “Her husband is one of her constituents. So why shouldn’t she have helped him?”

Lee contrasted the treatment of Waters with that of Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn) and Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass). “These white boys bent over backwards, pulled strings, and bent the rules to help their pals on Wall Street,” Lee said. “Are they up on charges? No. They skate and get a bill named after them.”

Waters echoed Lee’s assessment attributing the discrepancy in treatment to “racism, pure racism.”

President Weighing Idea of Campaigning for GOP

President Obama is said to be giving serious consideration to hitting the campaign trail on behalf of Republican candidates this Fall.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained, “Polls are showing the President to be the most hated political figure in America right now. Having the President on your side may in many districts be the equivalent of tying a millstone around your neck and jumping into a lake. So, he’s thinking now may be the right time to go bipartisan, to reach across the aisle and grasp the hand of a deserving member of the other party.”

Gibbs expressed doubt that any joint appearances could be arranged. “We can’t follow the usual protocol of waiting for an invitation,” Gibbs acknowledged. “But campaign events are widely publicized. We’ll know where and when they’ll be held. Given that, who’s to stop a President from showing up?”

The proposed strategy received a hearty endorsement from Democratic political consultant James Carville. “It’s the smartest idea I’ve heard come out of the White House in months,” Carville said. “Truth be told, it’s probably the only bullet they’ve got left in their gun at this point.”

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Michelle Malkin: McCain Supported Everything that theTea Party Movement Stood Against

Arizona Overcome by Green Phobia

Tea Party Activist Jeff Smith Running for Arizona’s 6th Congressional District

The Case against McCain for Senate Re-Election