Veep Says Government Responsible for Every Great Idea in Last 200 Years

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

Seeking to blunt arguments against President Obama’s “big government” policy thrust, Vice-President Joe Biden reminded voters that “Every single great idea that has marked the 21st century, the 20th century and the 19th century came from government.”

Saying that he didn’t have time to list them all, Biden cited a few of his favorites. “Take the Federal Reserve System. Without it, the quantity of money would be severely limited. With it there is no end to the amount of money we can create. Then there’s withholding taxes. If people had to write a lump-sum check to the government each year do you think we could’ve expanded into as many programs as we have? And let’s not forget unemployment compensation. Instead of being forced to just take any job to put food on the table, the out-of-work man can bide his time waiting for a better opportunity.”

Biden begged voters to “keep these examples in mind before getting swept up in anti-government fervor. Government is your ‘rich uncle’ who’s there with a helping hand when you need it. Vote to strengthen that hand by returning Democrats to Congress.”

In related news, Biden complained about “lavish spending” by the opponents of progressive government, calling it “wasteful, unaccountable, and destructive.” “One of the things we’ve got to take care of after this election is how to control who spends what on election campaigns,” Biden vowed. “The McCain-Feingold limits aren’t working. We need a system where the Federal Election Commission has to approve all outlays in advance.”

European Court Orders Breast Feeding Leave for Dads

The European Union Court of Justice in Luxembourg ruled that Spain’s law providing paid leave for mothers to breast feed their babies is discriminatory against fathers. Employers were ordered to grant 30 minutes of breast feeding time off per work day for all fathers of newborns.

“The assumption that mothers are the only ones capable of breast feeding infants contradicts the state’s obligation to treat every member of society equally,” the ruling read. “If the law grants mothers time off for breast feeding then it must grant an equivalent time to fathers.”

As has been the case with mothers granted the paid leave, fathers need not spend the time with their infant child. “While those who are able and willing to breast feed their babies may use the time for that purpose it is not mandatory that they do so,” the court said. “The paid time off is theirs by right and may be spent however they choose.”

Neither must the father be married to the mother of his child. “Limiting the benefit to only married couples would also be discriminatory,” the court added. “Even though it would be theoretically possible for a man to sire enough out-of-wedlock children to qualify for perpetual paid leave under the breast feeding allowance.”

Gore Says Tea Party “Off-Side” on Climate Issue

Arguing that “global climate is my ‘political football,’” former Vice-President Al Gore complained that “Tea Party attempts to use this issue for their own political advantage is an off-side penalty.”

Alleging that “I could’ve been bitter when the presidency was stolen from me, but I picked myself up and invented a new career crusading for a cleaner planet,” Gore said. “Now, Tea Partiers are invading my spaceand stirring up skepticism about my message—all for their own selfish interests.”

Gore sought to link Tea Party skepticism with the “fossil fuel lobby.” “Virtually every one of the members of the Tea Party movement owns a car,” Gore pointed out. “Their desire to put fuel in those cars so they can drive them shows they have a conflict of interest. This undermines the credibility of their criticisms of my ideas.”

In contrast, the former Vice-President insisted that his own lavish use of fossil fuel energy shows he is free of conflict of interest charges because “you’d expect such a big consumer as myself to naturally be against any restrictions on energy use, but I’m not.”

As an illustration, Gore mentioned that he recently left the engine of his car running for over an hour while he gave a lecture on global warming in Sweden. “The fact that I’m one of the ones who’ll be hit hardest by restrictions on energy use ought to vouch for my above-the-fray objectivity on this issue,” he boasted.

Carter Says Irresponsible Media Dragging Obama Down

Former President Jimmy Carter blamed what he called the “irresponsible media” for the majority of President Obama’s declining approval ratings. “In a time of crisis the media should be working with the President to help him solve the nation’s problems,” Carter maintained. “Even if they can’t do anything substantive they could still help bolster morale by portraying the President’s efforts in a positive light.”

The former president likened the treatment Obama has experienced to his own. “Just because the president’s plans don’t seem to be working is no reason for piling on,” Carter complained. “Sometimes the country is just gripped by a malaise that won’t go away no matter what you do.”

An irresponsible media is only a part of what Carter posited as a “widespread decline in our nation’s politics. The intensity of opposition to the President is distressing. These Tea Party people are acting like President Obama is another King George with Congress rubber stamping his oppressive policies. We’ve got to come up with better ways of controlling this. The existing campaign regulations are too loose.”

Court Voids Proof of Citizenship for Voting

The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals voided an Arizona law that required those seeking to register to vote to provide proof of citizenship. The ruling vacates a 2004 voter approved initiative that required such proof.

The ruling cited difficulty for many persons in obtaining the required documentation. “People who don’t speak English or who can’t read or write are put at a significant disadvantage by the Arizona law,” the Court wrote in its decision. “This is an excessive burden that will limit the number of people allowed to vote.”

The Court confirmed that federal law, which only requires that the prospective registrant attest that he is legally entitled to vote, takes precedence. “Even the verbally challenged can give a simple ‘yes’ or ‘si’ when asked if he is a citizen,” the Court said. “This is the standard that Congress enacted. No state has the authority to add further impediments to the act of registering to vote.”

How the ruling will affect the counting of votes from persons registered by Mi Familia Vota, the majority of which were discovered to lack state required proof of citizenship, has not yet been determined.

In related news, in a last-ditch effort to salvage the Democratic majority, President Obama called on his “Latino friends” to get out to vote and “help me crush my enemies.” In return, the President promised that “a Democratic majority in Congress is the only way to ensure that amnesty is part of immigration reform.”

Bloomberg Supports Restoration of Term Limit

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he will support a ballot measure to restore the law banning elected officials from serving more than two consecutive four-year terms. The limit was removed in 2008 in order to allow Bloomberg to run for a third consecutive term in 2009. 

Bloomberg said removing the limit was necessary then because “the City had need of the one person with the extraordinary talent to cope with an emerging crisis. Since that extraordinary person will not be running again under any circumstances it’s safe to restore the previous term limitation. When only average people are available for the office, I think it is best that they be limited in the time they are allowed to serve.”

President Offers to Compromise

Coming to grips with what seems a likely Republican triumph in Congress, President Barack Obama offered to make peace with his self-described “enemies.”

“I am not inflexible,” the President assured his foes. “You can come on-board my policy ‘bus’ as long as you agree to sit in the back and can remember that I’m still driving.”

Congressman Applauds Firing of Juan Williams

National Public Radio’s firing of commentator Juan Williams for expressing his anxieties about Muslims in an interview on Fox News was lauded by Representative Keith Ellison (D-Minn.) who characterized Williams as “un-American.”

Ellison, who is currently the only openly Muslim member of Congress, contends that Williams “got off easy.” “In a just world the righteous would fall upon this defamer and smite his neck,” he prophesied.

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Reid Says His Biggest Fault: ‘I’m too Modest’

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

In an interview on CNBC, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) attributed his iffy reelection prospects to his own excessive virtue. “The problem is, I’m too modest for my own good,” Reid complained. “If I’d only been more boastful about my legislative accomplishments Ms. Angle would be eating my dust right now.”

Pressed to elaborate on some of these legislative accomplishments, Reid demurred alleging “there just isn’t enough time to go into specifics. Let me simply remind voters that without my efforts this country would be in the midst of the most serious economic downturn since the 1930s. We’d have double-digit unemployment, crashing home values, and government deficits as far as the eye could see.”

The long-time Nevada senator added that while he respected President Obama’s opinion that the surging tide of people intending to cast ballots for the GOP is due largely to voter stupidity, “I’d have to say that ignorance, more than anything else is to blame. In a way, though, that may be our own fault because the Democratic Party has been so damned reluctant to talk about what we’ve done for America over the last two years.”

Absence of Word “Creator” No Oversight, Gibbs Says

In response to questions regarding President Obama’s omission of the phrase “endowed by their Creator” in his recent speeches that have included the listing of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” as rights possessed by Americans, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs insisted it was not an error, but a correction.

“Clearing up misconceptions and logical fallacies is a passion of the President,” Gibbs said. “In the 200+ years since the Declaration of Independence was written scholars have demonstrated quite convincingly that people are endowed with these rights by the government. It is government programs like aid to families and food stamps that support life. It is the government that permits people to enjoy liberty when it could just as easily oppress them. And it’s the public schools that help build our children’s self-esteem—a key component of the pursuit of happiness. The President is merely trying to refocus people’s attention toward their real benefactor.”

“The danger is that if people forget where their rights come from they will make mistakes that could cost them dearly,” Gibbs added. “For example, they could misconstrue the importance of paying the taxes needed to fund the government that is granting them their rights. Maintaining tax revenue is crucial if we want the government to be able to continue taking care of its citizens. That’s why these Tea Party protests are so antithetical to what America truly stands for and a threat to the transformation the President is trying to accomplish.”

Frank Loans Campaign $200,000

Faced with his first serious opponent in years, Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass) took the extreme measure of loaning his campaign $200,000.

The move took many of his constituents by surprise. “Using his own money is a real shocker,” said Massachusetts resident Lyle Cornblatt. “He’s always found somebody else to pick up the tab in the past. He’s the last guy you’d expect to pick up a check. I guess he’s feeling desperate.”

Frank disputed the interpretation that he is feeling desperate, though, pointing out that “I’m no dope. It’s a frigging loan. I’ll get the money back. I know people in the banks and Wall Street who’ll see to it that I don’t get stuck for this.”

To bolster his case that he won’t end up out of pocket, Frank waved a check he received from “my good friend Brian Moynihan.” Moynihan is the CEO of the Bank of America. The congressman declined to take questions as to the propriety of taking contributions from representatives of the firms for which the House Financial Services Committee—chaired by Frank—has oversight responsibility.

Congresswoman Takes Stand on Voter Intimidation

Saying she was “determined not to let the timid and uninformed be discouraged from voting for me,” Representative Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) stationed herself inside the Acres Home Multiservice Community Center on October 18th where local residents were engaged in early voting. Representative Lee introduced herself and shook hands with people lined up to use the voting machines.

When a Republican poll watcher objected, Representative Lee demanded to know her name “so I would be able to bring charges of voter intimidation against this person. It’s bad enough that they’re scrutinizing IDs. But for them to harass me, a Black woman, from exercising my right to freedom of speech—well, this kind of racism is exactly the type of thing we need to stamp out in our society.”

Representative Lee rejected the poll watcher’s complaint that state law prohibits electioneering inside the polling place. “A lot of voters are still undecided when they go to the polls,” Lee contended. “Educating them before they cast a ballot will help them avoid mistakes. As the sitting representative in this district I view it as my duty to take whatever steps I deem necessary to try to avert erroneous ballot choices.”

Communist Party Urges Vote for Democrats

Disturbed that many on the left have given up on Obama, the US Communist Party urged “progressives” to “not lose faith.” “While some might be disappointed that capitalism is still standing we should not dismiss the very real progress that President Obama and Congress have made toward the goal of its eventual demise,” wrote the editors of People’s World Newspaper, Official Organ of Communist Party USA.

“We would have liked to see a total nationalization of health care, too,” the editors wrote. “But we must be patient. Private insurers are already pulling out of certain sectors in response to the President’s health care legislation. As other portions of the law take effect in coming years more of these private providers will be driven out of the business. And the new rules requiring those with medical savings accounts to get approval from government recognized physicians before they can spend their money deals a significant blow to the antisocial idea that individuals should make their own health care decisions.”

“Sure, the stimulus spending should have been bigger,” the editors continued. “But let’s not overlook the fact that trends have been put in place that will eventually eliminate the dollar as a medium of exchange. This will wipe out the value of capitalists’ hoards of money and level the playing field for all.”

While the editors still characterized the historic triumph of communism as “inevitable” they also warned that “a Republican victory in this election will slow the momentum toward the progressive society we have all worked so hard to bring about for so many years. Republican promises to staunch the red ink, save the middle class, and preserve freedom will ultimately fail, but giving them the mandate to try prolongs the agony and delays the arrival of that happy day when the last capitalist is hanged and his wealth is distributed to the masses.”

In related news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi pleaded with voters to “return a Democratic majority to Congress so we can continue our work toward a redistribution of the nation’s wealth into more equitable shares.”

Illegals Working Hard to Reelect Murray

Illegal aliens are going door-to-door to scare up votes for Senator Patty Murray (D-Wash). Mexican illegal Maria Gianni explained, “We are unfairly shut out of the process by the white man’s laws. We are denied our human right to vote. Getting others to vote for our cause is our only option. Señora Murray is one of the great champions of our cause. We help her now. She will help us later.”

The canvassing is sponsored by OneAmerica Votes and is aimed at advancing its “diversity goals.” Pramila Jayapal, head of OneAmerica Votes, says “the campaign is to empower immigrants. Rightfully they should be allowed to vote. The things that the American government does affect these immigrants even if they aren’t citizens. Immigrants deserve a say in who is chosen to run our government. If Senator Murray and others like her are elected we feel confident that they will be given a say.”

Senator Murray expressed her gratitude for the support. “Technically, I suppose they shouldn’t be getting involved,” Murray admitted. “But there are a lot of ignorant red necks who are citizens who shouldn’t be involved in our elections either. Maybe this OneAmerica Votes effort can help offset that.”

President Labels GOP Campaign “Snake Oil”

As polls continue to indicate that Republicans are likely to make major gains in the upcoming election, President Obama warned voters that “they’re trying to sell you ‘snake oil.’” Amidst signs that the phrase had escaped his audience’s comprehension, the President endeavored to educate them.

“The Republicans want to take us back to an era when everyone was forced to take care of himself,” Obama charged. “All they can guarantee you is the opportunity to make your own way. They want to chop away at the protections and solidarity that characterize a progressive country. They want to restrict the funds available to the government and loosen its controls.”

“Before you vote ask yourself, do you want to be limited to the returns on your own effort?” the President asked. “If you don’t, if you want to benefit from the efforts of others, voting Democrat is the logical choice.”

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First Lady’s Campaign Crosses Legal Boundary

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

While stumping for Democrats in Illinois, First Lady Michelle Obama took her campaign inside an early voting polling location. Politicking inside a polling location and within a 100-foot radius outside the location is illegal.

Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs characterized the law as “unenforceable against the first lady. I mean, what state authority would have the brass to press charges against the wife of the president? They’d have to know that it wouldn’t work out well for them personally. So, I doubt we’ll be hearing from them on this.”

In a broader context, Gibbs allowed that the law “might serve a legitimate purpose in discouraging unwarranted intrusions by inexpert campaigners, but polished practitioners like the first lady, the president, or really, any elected official, ought to be seen as exempt because they are the people’s chosen rulers and should be permitted access to wherever, in their judgment, they need to go to conduct the people’s business. And I would argue that aiding the election of persons supportive of the president’s issues is the people’s business.”

In related news, Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine suggested that “anyone readily identifiable as a ‘Tea Party’ person should be banned from polling places. The Tea Party has been so prominently linked with lower taxes and spending that their mere presence could be intimidating to Democratic voters. It’s hard enough for a person to overcome the shame of voting for more welfare, more bailouts, more inflation without the risk of having to do it right in front of neighbors who might question their actions.”

Republican Takeover of Congress: “Bring It on” Prez Sez

President Barack Obama insisted he is not troubled by polls showing huge GOP gains are likely in the upcoming election. “I don’t think the polls accurately capture certain advantages we possess in the process,” he said. “But even if the polls prove correct, a Republican Congress will still have me to contend with.”

The President pointed out that “unless they get a two-thirds majority they’ve got nothing. I will veto every initiative they try to take that conflicts with my vision of what America needs to become.” The President emphasized that he is willing to “employ ‘scorched earth’ tactics if that’s what it takes to defend the progress we’ve made so far in transforming the country.”

As an example of what he dubbed his scorched earth approach, President Obama vowed he “would veto even the continuing resolutions that are necessary to keep the government operating. If they’re so dead set against ‘big government’ let’s see how they like living with no government—no taxes, no spending, no welfare, no regulation, no nothing. We’ll see who blinks first. So, if voters want to trifle with me by voting for the Republicans, I say ‘bring it on.’”

President Corrects Voter

A voter at a “town hall” type meeting who expressed a fear that “America is becoming a communist country” was lectured for his “error” by a professorial President Obama.

“With all due respect to my ill-informed constituent, let me point out that under communism, all the major factors of production are owned by the government,” the President observed. “The transformation I am making does not require government ownership of the means for production. A simple public-private partnership will be sufficient to ensure that the government’s decisions are carried out by the private owners of the resources.”

“A more pertinent social model for describing my program would be that employed in Germany and Italy during the 1930s,” the President continued. “Ownership remained in private hands, but the major decisions on what and how to produce were socially determined for the good of the whole rather than for profit.”

While conceding that “Obamanomics” might be a flattering term to describe his program, the President said that “progressive” is the more modest moniker he prefers. Ironically, “progressive” is a term that Soviet leaders usually used when describing their programs.

UN Says Flush Toilets a “Human Right”

Noting that over three billion people lack access to running water and flush toilets, the United Nations’ Human Rights Council declared that “it is the obligation of those with means to rectify this injustice.”

Catarina de Albuquerque, the UN’s “Independent Expert” on human rights said that the UN’s declaration means that “the right to water and sanitation is now legally binding for all member nations. Pleading fiscal difficulties does not relieve a government of the obligation to provide this necessity.”

Ms. de Albuquerque cited the imbalance between nations as “especially egregious when it comes to sanitation. America, for example has far more toilets than it needs. Many homes have more than one. Meanwhile, in many other parts of the world people have none. A redistribution seems in order.”

“Redistribution need not be taken literally,” de Albuquerque explained. “We’re not demanding that toilets be ripped out of existing locations in America and shipped to underprivileged nations. But certainly a surtax on existing toilets with the proceeds shared among the most needy is a step long overdue.”

Pundit Charges Businesses Are Sabotaging the President

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews accused American businesses of “sabotaging President Obama and his program by selfishly placing profit ahead of the national interest.”

“The continued refusal of firms to hire is prolonging the recession and hurting the President’s Party in the upcoming election,” Matthews contended. “When we all should be pulling together to help President Obama, businesses are insisting that decreased sales revenue and negative net earnings make adding personnel too risky. Even worse, many of these businesses are now contributing money to help elect people who oppose the President. At the risk of appearing overly strident, I’d say this looks like treason to me.”

Matthews urged that “the President should do everything in his power to crack down on those who aim to thwart him. Even if Republicans do take control of Congress, President Obama still has weapons he can use. The IRS still answers to him. Let’s see how these businesses like being audited. Or he can issue Executive Orders shutting down whole business sectors if they are insufficiently cooperative. And there’s lawsuits. If Attorney General Holder can sue the State of Arizona he can just as easily sue any business enemies of the President.”

In related news, Presidential Advisor David Axelrod taunted the Chamber of Commerce for failure to disclose the names of those donating to its campaign against the President’s program. “What, are they afraid we’ll do something to hurt those donors?” Axelrod jeered. “Only a wimp hides behind a claim of confidentiality. The American people deserve to know all the facts about those who oppose the government. If they won’t give this information up voluntarily, well, we have ways of encouraging them to do so.”

California Dreaming

California’s Democratic gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown surged into the lead in recent polls after he rejected the idea that government ought to work toward creating a business-friendly environment that would lead to more private sector jobs.

“I think most people would agree with me that going to work everyday is a drag,” Brown asserted. “I asked myself, isn’t there a better way? Then it hit me. I don’t have a job and I’ve never been happier. I get enough income from my pensions to cover my expenses AND I have all this free time, to boot. Why can’t this be a model for others?”

Brown’s proposal is to have robots do all the work while providing California residents with a monthly stipend from the government seems to have struck a responsive chord with the majority of the state’s voters. One of them, unemployed day laborer Jose Perezoso, commented favorably. “I don’t normally vote,” Perezoso admitted. “I don’t know the issues, but Señor Brown’s idea is a dream come true. The work is hard. I’d rather not do it if I don’t have to. I say muchas gracias for Señor Brown.”

US House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) praised Brown’s “creativity” and said it would dovetail nicely with her proposal to put everyone in America on food stamps. “Research shows that for every dollar the government pays out in food stamps, $1.79 is put back into the economy,” Pelosi claimed. “Currently, only 40 million Americans are receiving food stamps. If we can expand the program to make it universal we’d ensure that (a) no one would have to go hungry and (b) we’d boost the economy enormously.” Pelosi further suggested that “part of that $1.79 gain could be used to buy the robots needed to implement Governor Brown’s idea.”

“You won’t hear this kind of out-of-the-box thinking from the Republicans,” Pelosi boasted. “They want us all to be stuck in the nine-to-five work day rut. Democrats say it’s time we move beyond such limited and old fashioned thinking. Just ask yourself, which do you enjoy more—the time you spend on the job? Or the time you have off? Why vote for a Party that says it will help put you in a job when you can vote for a Democrat who’ll give you the benefits without making you go to work? If we can just get this message out to enough voters I think this talk about the GOP retaking Congress will be put to rest.”

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Worst Stretch of Unemployment Since Great Depression

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

The latest statistics show that the official unemployment rate edged up to 9.6% in September. This 14th consecutive month with an unemployment rate of 9.5% or higher is the longest since the 1930s.

President Obama cautioned that “these figures look worse than they really are because they don’t properly account for the leisure that has simultaneously been gained. If we just concern ourselves with the loss of hours worked we’re only seeing one side of the equation. An hour not on the job is an hour freed up for other uses. This leisure the nation has gained has a value that is not reported in the official data.”

“Studies show that leisure helps relieve stress,” the president added. “In contrast, work is cited as a major source of stress. So, there are some significant health benefits that are being overlooked by just focusing on the jobless numbers.”

The president also tried to allay fears about his own well-being by pointing out that “I want to assure those who have supported me to know that my own situation is not currently at risk. Barring anything weird happening, I’mset for another two years, at least. And I’m guarding against on-the-job stress by pacing myself and taking frequent breaks. So the American people needn’t add worry about me to their list of problems.”

In related news, the president asserted that “Muslims have a higher education status and make more money than your average American. So, converting may be an option that has some economic benefits for a large segment of the nation’s population.”

Microsoft Exec Urges Government to Take Control of the Internet

Scott Charney, Microsoft vice president of Trustworthy Computing, urged governments of the world to take control of the Internet “before something really bad happens.”

“Governments wouldn’t stand idly by and allow human viruses to proliferate,” Charney argued. “They’d be taking steps to quarantine the infected before they passed germs on to others. They should do the same thing to protect the Internet from infection by computer viruses.”

Charney contended that “too many people are using inferior software, much of it home-made. We can’t let this go on. We need rules in place that restrict access to the Internet so that only those who are equipped with approved software products can get on it.”

In addition to setting standards for acceptable software, Charney said “Governments must also have unfettered access to every computer that connects to the web so they can continually search for malignant content and  eradicate it before it can take root in the global network. Sites that governments have identified as a threat should be sealed off and blocked from logging on to the Internet.”

The idea that government ought to control the Internet has also been praised by the New York Times as “no worse than government controlling access to our highways by insisting that all drivers have licenses.” The Times blog pooh-poohed the fear that government control might lead to censorship of those who challenge the ruling regime, writing that “The regulatory scheme would surely contain provisions barring the government from cutting off access to the Internet by recognized journalistic entities.”

Senator Asks Voters for Same Mandate They Gave Kennedy and Byrd

In the midst of a tight race to retain his seat, Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) said he takes his example of what a senator can be “from two of the greatest men to ever have served in the US Senate.”

“Both these men overcame adversity and held their seats for decades,” Reid recalled. “Senator Byrd (D-W. Va) rose from scandalous beginnings as an Exalted Cyclops for the Ku Klux Klan to serve in the senate for more than 50 years. Senator Kennedy (D-Mass) killed a young woman in a drunk driving accident but was still reelected seven more times and served almost 50 years in the senate. I’ve never done anything as bad as either of those guys. If voters could overlook their mistakes why can’t they overlook mine?”

Reid conceded that “life isn’t always fair. I mean Kennedy had the advantage of having two brothers assassinated on TV. I never got a break like that. And Byrd brought more ‘pork’ home to his state than any other senator ever has. I am trying to emulate his example, but I’ve only been in the Senate for 30 years. If I get another three terms as Majority Leader of the Senate I’m sure I could bring a lot more home to Nevada.”

As an example, Reid touted the $13 million in federal aid he “brought home” from the Small Business Jobs Act. “Every small business owner I’ve talked to says that a shortage of capital is the biggest problem,” Reid said. “With the recession we’re having banks and investors are too scared to provide capital. The market is failing. This legislation bypasses that failure by extracting funds from taxpayers and turning it over to those businesses.”

The aid secured by Senator Reid’s efforts amounts to only $5 for every inhabitant of Nevada, a statistic Reid brushed aside. “If we were to share this money with everyone it wouldn’t amount to much,” Reid admitted. “But we aren’t going to share it equally. Only those that the government feels will spend it in cooperation with the president’s economic recovery plan will get some. It’s this potential for behavior modification that’s the key.”

Currently, the unemployment rate in Nevada is over 14%. This is the highest for any state in the nation and is more than three times as high as the rate was in 2006—before the Democrats took control of the Senate and named Harry Reid Majority Leader.

AG to Investigate Foreclosures

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder announced that his office will be “taking a closer look at this foreclosure thing.”

“Information that has reached me indicates that many minorities are being forced out of their homes based solely on a failure to consistently make monthly payments,” Holder said. “This raises the possibility that discriminatory treatment is in play.”

As Holder sees it, “It is important to assure that the ratios of minorities who are dispossessed aren’t out of line with their representation in the population. Basically, we need to know whether there are more minorities being penalized than is warranted based on their share of the population. If they are then there is a prima facie case that racial discrimination is taking place.”

Holder explained that “the decision to dispossess must be a balanced one. Failure to make payments is just one of a multitude of factors that must be weighed before legal action can be taken. Without a balanced approach all the homes end up in the hands of those willing and able to pay the costs of home ownership. This would tend to   exclude those who are worthy in other respects, like need, from participating in this benefit. Doing away with this type of exclusionary policy is one of the changes the president is determined to bring to America.”

Congressman Declares National Debt a “Myth”

Representative Phil Hare (D-Ill) called Republican campaign ads that focus on the huge deficits and the additions they are making to the national debt “bogus” and a “scare tactic.”

“The claim that our children will be burdened with this debt is a lie,” Hare charged. “The federal government has the power to declare a moratorium on paying this debt at any time. It also has the power to print up as much money as it needs to pay off this debt should it choose to do so. So, our children are at risk only if we insist on honoring this obligation in the traditional way. If we just let those who bought government bonds absorb the loss our children will be off the hook.”

In related news, Vice-President Joe Biden vowed he would “strangle the next Republican I hear complain about the deficit. I mean, where do they come off? Everybody in government runs a deficit. They did it when they ran the government. They’re just jealous because ours is bigger. In the end, what does it matter? We’re never going to pay it back and neither are they.”

Democrat Aims to Outlaw “Right-to-Work”

Representative Brad Sherman (D-Calif) has introduced legislation that would eliminate state Right to Work laws. The bill, H.R. 6384, would prohibit states from allowing workers to decline becoming union members as a condition of employment. Currently, 22 states allow workers to refuse to become union members.

“For too long we have allowed business interests to persuade state legislatures to pass laws permitting employees to refuse to participate in the unions that are representing the workers’ interests,” Sherman said. “This ‘divide-and-conquer’ strategy pits individual interests against the solidarity needed to effectively pressure management into meeting union demands.”

An effect of right-to-work laws is to encourage employers to seek out right-to-work states for expanding their business. “These states are typically ‘red’ states,” Sherman complained. “Building up the economies and population of these states hurts the Democratic Party. My bill will level the playing field.”

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Departing Aide Declares Obama ‘Greatest Leader this Country Has Ever Had’

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

In a tearful departing statement, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said he regrets having to leave the side of “the greatest leader to have ever served this nation in its most trying of times.” Anticipating objections from those who might be tempted to label Washington at Valley Forge or Lincoln’s battle to preserve the union more trying circumstances, Emanuel pointed out that “both were white men living in a white man’s world.

Neither had to face the unending barrage of racist criticism that President Obama has had to face.”

Emanuel added that “it is President Obama’s greatness that makes it feasible for me to take on other duties. While it has been gratifying for me to bask in the reflected glow of his awesomeness, I cannot allow the needs of the citizens of Chicago to be neglected now that Mayor Daley is stepping down from his lifetime tenure.”

The one-time resident of Chicago announced that he will assume the role of Mayor of Chicago as soon as the  esidency ordinance has been revised to declare him eligible.

Senator Defends Special Access for Donors

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) brushed off charges of influence peddling” and defended his practice of pushing grants of taxpayer money to those who donated to his reelection campaigns.

“After all the talk I’ve heard from Republicans about of letting the market work I’d think they’d be a bit  embarrassed to be complaining about this,” Reid observed. “Isn’t it the market that allocates goods and services to those willing and able to pay? As a senator, I’m in position to help allocate government money. Should I just do this randomly? Shouldn’t I pay attention to those willing and able to pay me for my efforts? Sheesh.”

Key Democratic Lawmakers Reject Social Security Reform

A group of 105 congressional Democrats went on  record declaring that “no reform of Social Security is necessary.” Actuarial projections indicatingthat there isn’t enough money in the trust fund to meet future needs were dubbed “irrelevant.”

“We’re concerned about suggestions to raise the retirement age or to restrict benefits to only those who need them,” said Senator Sherrod Brown (D-Ohio). “This would be an admission of failure that the government need
not make when it has the power to create the money required to fulfill the promised benefits.”

“In fact, it’s unconscionable that anyone should have to suffer or go without anything,” Brown continued. “The government can simply print up enough money to cover everyone’s expenses. Poverty will become a thing of
the past. As the recipients of this government created money spend their checks businesses will experience a surge in profits and could afford to hire more workers. Presto—the recession would be over.”

Senator Asks IRS to Crack Down on Government Critics

Irritated by a rising tide of criticism of current  government policies, Senator Max Baucus (D-Mont) has asked the Internal Revenue Service to investigate organizations for what he termed “unwelcome political activity.”

“These critics have crossed the line,” Baucus contended. “Just because they stop short of saying ‘don’t vote for candidate X’ shouldn’t let them off the hook. The American voter isn’t totally stupid. If he’s told that a policy is
bad and that candidate X voted for that policy he can connect the dots and vote accordingly.”

Baucus admitted that he was “a little uncomfortable setting the dogs of the IRS on anyone. Getting audited by those guys is pure Hell. But sometimes you’ve got to get tough when people step out of line. Maybe if we make an example of a few of them the rest will get the message and learn to restrain their comments.”

Democrat Says Palin Hurts GOP President Obama’s 2008 campaign manager, David Plouffe, warned Republicans
that heeding the advice of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin would be “unwise.”

“Her message of lower taxes and reduced government spending may go over well in Republican primaries, but it’s not a message that resonates with a broader spectrum,” Plouffe argued. “The mainstream voter wants a compassionate government that will help him carry the load. Democrats and moderate Republicans understand this. They know that independence and individualism are myths that can’t be achieved in our interdependent global community. The more that the GOP is swayed by these myths the bigger will be their electoral defeats.”

UN Warns US on Immigration

The United Nations has issued a proclamation declaring that “attempts to block immigrants from their fair share of the world’s bounty are unlawful.”  The proclamation specifically cited the law passed earlier this year by the State of Arizona as “an example of what is forbidden.”

“It is an issue of human rights,” the proclamation reads. “For too long the United States has taken more than an equitable amount of the world’s wealth. By rights, this wealth belongs to all and ought to be redistributed in more
equal portions. Barring this, the efforts of immigrants to rectify the imbalances by relocating to the United States cannot be infringed.”

The proclamation called for the US to “not only open its borders, but to also provide transportation assistance for those unable to get into the United States on their own.”

Mexican Mayors Blame Violence on US

A coalition of Mexican mayors has demanded that the US cease sending Mexican criminals back to Mexican border communities. “In the United States there are a multiplicity of potential victims,” said Ciudad Guillo Mayor Manuel Cobarde. “The risk is spread out. Here the criminals target the political authorities. Mayors and police are being murdered right and left turning the risks and rewards of holding office upside down.”

US Department of Homeland Security Janet Nipplitaliano defended the current policy calling it “a carefully measured response. First, the prospect of being sent back to Mexico has a more chilling effect on a ‘perp’ than being sent to an American prison. Let’s face it. An American prison is like a resort to a Mexican national. Second, a rise in border crime in Mexico may deter Mexicans further south from attempting the journey to the US. I mean,
if there’s a good chance of being killed before you get to America why bother trying.”

President Chastises Voters

President Barack Obama hit the campaign trail with a stern message to Democratic voters to “not let me down come November. I’ve worked too hard to have it all come crashing down because of lack of effort from people too
selfish and self-absorbed to do whatever it takes to ensure that we don’t lose momentum.”

Looking for a “silver lining,” the President suggested that “those of you who are unemployed have the opportunity to work full time on the campaign while those with jobs are tied down trying to earn a living.”

On a more positive note, the President reminded his supporters that “returning solid Democratic majorities to congress will enable us to make further progress toward redistributing the wealth that is being withheld
from you by greedy corporate elites.”

Candidate Says Lying to IRS “No Big Deal”

Confronted with a discrepancy between a claim to have left the financially troubled Broadway Bank before it was under investigation and a $2.7 million tax deduction he took for working at the bank after the investigation
started, Illinois US Senate candidate Alexi Giannoulias (D) downplayed the matter.

“Look, everybody lies to the IRS,” Giannoulias contended. “For Christ’s sake, the Secretary of the Treasury lied to the IRS before he got the job. So maybe I didn’t really do the work I said I did to get the tax deduction.
I’m not the Lone Ranger here. Tax dodging is a national pastime. It’s no big deal.”

Giannoulias expressed confidence that voters would understand. “Only a sap pays when he has an out,” Giannoulias said. “I don’t think the voters of Illinois want a sap to represent them in the Senate.”

Ethics Trials Postponed Until After the Election

Pending ethics trials for Representatives Charles Rangel (D-NY) and Maxine Waters (D-Calif) have been put off until after the November 2 election. While Republicans argued that “addressing the charges of corruption would
help voters make up their minds,” the Democratic leadership begged to differ.

Chairwoman of the United States House Committee on Standards of Official Conduct, Representative Zoe Lofgren (D-Calif), backed the postponement saying that “undermining voter confidence in the run up to election day
would do irreparable harm to the nation and to the reputations of these two long-serving members of Congress. Confidence in America and its government is what is needed to pull the country out of its economic crisis. Once the crisis is past, if we have time we can then weigh the accusations against our esteemed colleagues.”

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