By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
In a tearful departing statement, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said he regrets having to leave the side of “the greatest leader to have ever served this nation in its most trying of times.” Anticipating objections from those who might be tempted to label Washington at Valley Forge or Lincoln’s battle to preserve the union more trying circumstances, Emanuel pointed out that “both were white men living in a white man’s world.
Neither had to face the unending barrage of racist criticism that President Obama has had to face.”
Emanuel added that “it is President Obama’s greatness that makes it feasible for me to take on other duties. While it has been gratifying for me to bask in the reflected glow of his awesomeness, I cannot allow the needs of the citizens of Chicago to be neglected now that Mayor Daley is stepping down from his lifetime tenure.”
The one-time resident of Chicago announced that he will assume the role of Mayor of Chicago as soon as the esidency ordinance has been revised to declare him eligible.
Senator Defends Special Access for Donors
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) brushed off charges of influence peddling” and defended his practice of pushing grants of taxpayer money to those who donated to his reelection campaigns.
“After all the talk I’ve heard from Republicans about of letting the market work I’d think they’d be a bit embarrassed to be complaining about this,” Reid observed. “Isn’t it the market that allocates goods and services to those willing and able to pay? As a senator, I’m in position to help allocate government money. Should I just do this randomly? Shouldn’t I pay attention to those willing and able to pay me for my efforts? Sheesh.”
Key Democratic Lawmakers Reject Social Security Reform
A group of 105 congressional Democrats went on record declaring that “no reform of Social Security is necessary.” Actuarial projections indicatingthat there isn’t enough money in the trust fund to meet future needs were dubbed “irrelevant.”
“We’re concerned about suggestions to raise the retirement age or to restrict benefits to only those who need them,” said Senator Sherrod Brown (D-Ohio). “This would be an admission of failure that the government need
not make when it has the power to create the money required to fulfill the promised benefits.”
“In fact, it’s unconscionable that anyone should have to suffer or go without anything,” Brown continued. “The government can simply print up enough money to cover everyone’s expenses. Poverty will become a thing of
the past. As the recipients of this government created money spend their checks businesses will experience a surge in profits and could afford to hire more workers. Presto—the recession would be over.”
Senator Asks IRS to Crack Down on Government Critics
Irritated by a rising tide of criticism of current government policies, Senator Max Baucus (D-Mont) has asked the Internal Revenue Service to investigate organizations for what he termed “unwelcome political activity.”
“These critics have crossed the line,” Baucus contended. “Just because they stop short of saying ‘don’t vote for candidate X’ shouldn’t let them off the hook. The American voter isn’t totally stupid. If he’s told that a policy is
bad and that candidate X voted for that policy he can connect the dots and vote accordingly.”
Baucus admitted that he was “a little uncomfortable setting the dogs of the IRS on anyone. Getting audited by those guys is pure Hell. But sometimes you’ve got to get tough when people step out of line. Maybe if we make an example of a few of them the rest will get the message and learn to restrain their comments.”
Democrat Says Palin Hurts GOP President Obama’s 2008 campaign manager, David Plouffe, warned Republicans
that heeding the advice of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin would be “unwise.”
“Her message of lower taxes and reduced government spending may go over well in Republican primaries, but it’s not a message that resonates with a broader spectrum,” Plouffe argued. “The mainstream voter wants a compassionate government that will help him carry the load. Democrats and moderate Republicans understand this. They know that independence and individualism are myths that can’t be achieved in our interdependent global community. The more that the GOP is swayed by these myths the bigger will be their electoral defeats.”
UN Warns US on Immigration
The United Nations has issued a proclamation declaring that “attempts to block immigrants from their fair share of the world’s bounty are unlawful.” The proclamation specifically cited the law passed earlier this year by the State of Arizona as “an example of what is forbidden.”
“It is an issue of human rights,” the proclamation reads. “For too long the United States has taken more than an equitable amount of the world’s wealth. By rights, this wealth belongs to all and ought to be redistributed in more
equal portions. Barring this, the efforts of immigrants to rectify the imbalances by relocating to the United States cannot be infringed.”
The proclamation called for the US to “not only open its borders, but to also provide transportation assistance for those unable to get into the United States on their own.”
Mexican Mayors Blame Violence on US
A coalition of Mexican mayors has demanded that the US cease sending Mexican criminals back to Mexican border communities. “In the United States there are a multiplicity of potential victims,” said Ciudad Guillo Mayor Manuel Cobarde. “The risk is spread out. Here the criminals target the political authorities. Mayors and police are being murdered right and left turning the risks and rewards of holding office upside down.”
US Department of Homeland Security Janet Nipplitaliano defended the current policy calling it “a carefully measured response. First, the prospect of being sent back to Mexico has a more chilling effect on a ‘perp’ than being sent to an American prison. Let’s face it. An American prison is like a resort to a Mexican national. Second, a rise in border crime in Mexico may deter Mexicans further south from attempting the journey to the US. I mean,
if there’s a good chance of being killed before you get to America why bother trying.”
President Chastises Voters
President Barack Obama hit the campaign trail with a stern message to Democratic voters to “not let me down come November. I’ve worked too hard to have it all come crashing down because of lack of effort from people too
selfish and self-absorbed to do whatever it takes to ensure that we don’t lose momentum.”
Looking for a “silver lining,” the President suggested that “those of you who are unemployed have the opportunity to work full time on the campaign while those with jobs are tied down trying to earn a living.”
On a more positive note, the President reminded his supporters that “returning solid Democratic majorities to congress will enable us to make further progress toward redistributing the wealth that is being withheld
from you by greedy corporate elites.”
Candidate Says Lying to IRS “No Big Deal”
Confronted with a discrepancy between a claim to have left the financially troubled Broadway Bank before it was under investigation and a $2.7 million tax deduction he took for working at the bank after the investigation
started, Illinois US Senate candidate Alexi Giannoulias (D) downplayed the matter.
“Look, everybody lies to the IRS,” Giannoulias contended. “For Christ’s sake, the Secretary of the Treasury lied to the IRS before he got the job. So maybe I didn’t really do the work I said I did to get the tax deduction.
I’m not the Lone Ranger here. Tax dodging is a national pastime. It’s no big deal.”
Giannoulias expressed confidence that voters would understand. “Only a sap pays when he has an out,” Giannoulias said. “I don’t think the voters of Illinois want a sap to represent them in the Senate.”
Ethics Trials Postponed Until After the Election
Pending ethics trials for Representatives Charles Rangel (D-NY) and Maxine Waters (D-Calif) have been put off until after the November 2 election. While Republicans argued that “addressing the charges of corruption would
help voters make up their minds,” the Democratic leadership begged to differ.
Chairwoman of the United States House Committee on Standards of Official Conduct, Representative Zoe Lofgren (D-Calif), backed the postponement saying that “undermining voter confidence in the run up to election day
would do irreparable harm to the nation and to the reputations of these two long-serving members of Congress. Confidence in America and its government is what is needed to pull the country out of its economic crisis. Once the crisis is past, if we have time we can then weigh the accusations against our esteemed colleagues.”