Worst Stretch of Unemployment Since Great Depression

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

The latest statistics show that the official unemployment rate edged up to 9.6% in September. This 14th consecutive month with an unemployment rate of 9.5% or higher is the longest since the 1930s.

President Obama cautioned that “these figures look worse than they really are because they don’t properly account for the leisure that has simultaneously been gained. If we just concern ourselves with the loss of hours worked we’re only seeing one side of the equation. An hour not on the job is an hour freed up for other uses. This leisure the nation has gained has a value that is not reported in the official data.”

“Studies show that leisure helps relieve stress,” the president added. “In contrast, work is cited as a major source of stress. So, there are some significant health benefits that are being overlooked by just focusing on the jobless numbers.”

The president also tried to allay fears about his own well-being by pointing out that “I want to assure those who have supported me to know that my own situation is not currently at risk. Barring anything weird happening, I’mset for another two years, at least. And I’m guarding against on-the-job stress by pacing myself and taking frequent breaks. So the American people needn’t add worry about me to their list of problems.”

In related news, the president asserted that “Muslims have a higher education status and make more money than your average American. So, converting may be an option that has some economic benefits for a large segment of the nation’s population.”

Microsoft Exec Urges Government to Take Control of the Internet

Scott Charney, Microsoft vice president of Trustworthy Computing, urged governments of the world to take control of the Internet “before something really bad happens.”

“Governments wouldn’t stand idly by and allow human viruses to proliferate,” Charney argued. “They’d be taking steps to quarantine the infected before they passed germs on to others. They should do the same thing to protect the Internet from infection by computer viruses.”

Charney contended that “too many people are using inferior software, much of it home-made. We can’t let this go on. We need rules in place that restrict access to the Internet so that only those who are equipped with approved software products can get on it.”

In addition to setting standards for acceptable software, Charney said “Governments must also have unfettered access to every computer that connects to the web so they can continually search for malignant content and  eradicate it before it can take root in the global network. Sites that governments have identified as a threat should be sealed off and blocked from logging on to the Internet.”

The idea that government ought to control the Internet has also been praised by the New York Times as “no worse than government controlling access to our highways by insisting that all drivers have licenses.” The Times blog pooh-poohed the fear that government control might lead to censorship of those who challenge the ruling regime, writing that “The regulatory scheme would surely contain provisions barring the government from cutting off access to the Internet by recognized journalistic entities.”

Senator Asks Voters for Same Mandate They Gave Kennedy and Byrd

In the midst of a tight race to retain his seat, Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev) said he takes his example of what a senator can be “from two of the greatest men to ever have served in the US Senate.”

“Both these men overcame adversity and held their seats for decades,” Reid recalled. “Senator Byrd (D-W. Va) rose from scandalous beginnings as an Exalted Cyclops for the Ku Klux Klan to serve in the senate for more than 50 years. Senator Kennedy (D-Mass) killed a young woman in a drunk driving accident but was still reelected seven more times and served almost 50 years in the senate. I’ve never done anything as bad as either of those guys. If voters could overlook their mistakes why can’t they overlook mine?”

Reid conceded that “life isn’t always fair. I mean Kennedy had the advantage of having two brothers assassinated on TV. I never got a break like that. And Byrd brought more ‘pork’ home to his state than any other senator ever has. I am trying to emulate his example, but I’ve only been in the Senate for 30 years. If I get another three terms as Majority Leader of the Senate I’m sure I could bring a lot more home to Nevada.”

As an example, Reid touted the $13 million in federal aid he “brought home” from the Small Business Jobs Act. “Every small business owner I’ve talked to says that a shortage of capital is the biggest problem,” Reid said. “With the recession we’re having banks and investors are too scared to provide capital. The market is failing. This legislation bypasses that failure by extracting funds from taxpayers and turning it over to those businesses.”

The aid secured by Senator Reid’s efforts amounts to only $5 for every inhabitant of Nevada, a statistic Reid brushed aside. “If we were to share this money with everyone it wouldn’t amount to much,” Reid admitted. “But we aren’t going to share it equally. Only those that the government feels will spend it in cooperation with the president’s economic recovery plan will get some. It’s this potential for behavior modification that’s the key.”

Currently, the unemployment rate in Nevada is over 14%. This is the highest for any state in the nation and is more than three times as high as the rate was in 2006—before the Democrats took control of the Senate and named Harry Reid Majority Leader.

AG to Investigate Foreclosures

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder announced that his office will be “taking a closer look at this foreclosure thing.”

“Information that has reached me indicates that many minorities are being forced out of their homes based solely on a failure to consistently make monthly payments,” Holder said. “This raises the possibility that discriminatory treatment is in play.”

As Holder sees it, “It is important to assure that the ratios of minorities who are dispossessed aren’t out of line with their representation in the population. Basically, we need to know whether there are more minorities being penalized than is warranted based on their share of the population. If they are then there is a prima facie case that racial discrimination is taking place.”

Holder explained that “the decision to dispossess must be a balanced one. Failure to make payments is just one of a multitude of factors that must be weighed before legal action can be taken. Without a balanced approach all the homes end up in the hands of those willing and able to pay the costs of home ownership. This would tend to   exclude those who are worthy in other respects, like need, from participating in this benefit. Doing away with this type of exclusionary policy is one of the changes the president is determined to bring to America.”

Congressman Declares National Debt a “Myth”

Representative Phil Hare (D-Ill) called Republican campaign ads that focus on the huge deficits and the additions they are making to the national debt “bogus” and a “scare tactic.”

“The claim that our children will be burdened with this debt is a lie,” Hare charged. “The federal government has the power to declare a moratorium on paying this debt at any time. It also has the power to print up as much money as it needs to pay off this debt should it choose to do so. So, our children are at risk only if we insist on honoring this obligation in the traditional way. If we just let those who bought government bonds absorb the loss our children will be off the hook.”

In related news, Vice-President Joe Biden vowed he would “strangle the next Republican I hear complain about the deficit. I mean, where do they come off? Everybody in government runs a deficit. They did it when they ran the government. They’re just jealous because ours is bigger. In the end, what does it matter? We’re never going to pay it back and neither are they.”

Democrat Aims to Outlaw “Right-to-Work”

Representative Brad Sherman (D-Calif) has introduced legislation that would eliminate state Right to Work laws. The bill, H.R. 6384, would prohibit states from allowing workers to decline becoming union members as a condition of employment. Currently, 22 states allow workers to refuse to become union members.

“For too long we have allowed business interests to persuade state legislatures to pass laws permitting employees to refuse to participate in the unions that are representing the workers’ interests,” Sherman said. “This ‘divide-and-conquer’ strategy pits individual interests against the solidarity needed to effectively pressure management into meeting union demands.”

An effect of right-to-work laws is to encourage employers to seek out right-to-work states for expanding their business. “These states are typically ‘red’ states,” Sherman complained. “Building up the economies and population of these states hurts the Democratic Party. My bill will level the playing field.”

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