By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
In an interview on CNBC, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) attributed his iffy reelection prospects to his own excessive virtue. “The problem is, I’m too modest for my own good,” Reid complained. “If I’d only been more boastful about my legislative accomplishments Ms. Angle would be eating my dust right now.”
Pressed to elaborate on some of these legislative accomplishments, Reid demurred alleging “there just isn’t enough time to go into specifics. Let me simply remind voters that without my efforts this country would be in the midst of the most serious economic downturn since the 1930s. We’d have double-digit unemployment, crashing home values, and government deficits as far as the eye could see.”
The long-time Nevada senator added that while he respected President Obama’s opinion that the surging tide of people intending to cast ballots for the GOP is due largely to voter stupidity, “I’d have to say that ignorance, more than anything else is to blame. In a way, though, that may be our own fault because the Democratic Party has been so damned reluctant to talk about what we’ve done for America over the last two years.”
Absence of Word “Creator” No Oversight, Gibbs Says
In response to questions regarding President Obama’s omission of the phrase “endowed by their Creator” in his recent speeches that have included the listing of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” as rights possessed by Americans, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs insisted it was not an error, but a correction.
“Clearing up misconceptions and logical fallacies is a passion of the President,” Gibbs said. “In the 200+ years since the Declaration of Independence was written scholars have demonstrated quite convincingly that people are endowed with these rights by the government. It is government programs like aid to families and food stamps that support life. It is the government that permits people to enjoy liberty when it could just as easily oppress them. And it’s the public schools that help build our children’s self-esteem—a key component of the pursuit of happiness. The President is merely trying to refocus people’s attention toward their real benefactor.”
“The danger is that if people forget where their rights come from they will make mistakes that could cost them dearly,” Gibbs added. “For example, they could misconstrue the importance of paying the taxes needed to fund the government that is granting them their rights. Maintaining tax revenue is crucial if we want the government to be able to continue taking care of its citizens. That’s why these Tea Party protests are so antithetical to what America truly stands for and a threat to the transformation the President is trying to accomplish.”
Frank Loans Campaign $200,000
Faced with his first serious opponent in years, Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass) took the extreme measure of loaning his campaign $200,000.
The move took many of his constituents by surprise. “Using his own money is a real shocker,” said Massachusetts resident Lyle Cornblatt. “He’s always found somebody else to pick up the tab in the past. He’s the last guy you’d expect to pick up a check. I guess he’s feeling desperate.”
Frank disputed the interpretation that he is feeling desperate, though, pointing out that “I’m no dope. It’s a frigging loan. I’ll get the money back. I know people in the banks and Wall Street who’ll see to it that I don’t get stuck for this.”
To bolster his case that he won’t end up out of pocket, Frank waved a check he received from “my good friend Brian Moynihan.” Moynihan is the CEO of the Bank of America. The congressman declined to take questions as to the propriety of taking contributions from representatives of the firms for which the House Financial Services Committee—chaired by Frank—has oversight responsibility.
Congresswoman Takes Stand on Voter Intimidation
Saying she was “determined not to let the timid and uninformed be discouraged from voting for me,” Representative Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) stationed herself inside the Acres Home Multiservice Community Center on October 18th where local residents were engaged in early voting. Representative Lee introduced herself and shook hands with people lined up to use the voting machines.
When a Republican poll watcher objected, Representative Lee demanded to know her name “so I would be able to bring charges of voter intimidation against this person. It’s bad enough that they’re scrutinizing IDs. But for them to harass me, a Black woman, from exercising my right to freedom of speech—well, this kind of racism is exactly the type of thing we need to stamp out in our society.”
Representative Lee rejected the poll watcher’s complaint that state law prohibits electioneering inside the polling place. “A lot of voters are still undecided when they go to the polls,” Lee contended. “Educating them before they cast a ballot will help them avoid mistakes. As the sitting representative in this district I view it as my duty to take whatever steps I deem necessary to try to avert erroneous ballot choices.”
Communist Party Urges Vote for Democrats
Disturbed that many on the left have given up on Obama, the US Communist Party urged “progressives” to “not lose faith.” “While some might be disappointed that capitalism is still standing we should not dismiss the very real progress that President Obama and Congress have made toward the goal of its eventual demise,” wrote the editors of People’s World Newspaper, Official Organ of Communist Party USA.
“We would have liked to see a total nationalization of health care, too,” the editors wrote. “But we must be patient. Private insurers are already pulling out of certain sectors in response to the President’s health care legislation. As other portions of the law take effect in coming years more of these private providers will be driven out of the business. And the new rules requiring those with medical savings accounts to get approval from government recognized physicians before they can spend their money deals a significant blow to the antisocial idea that individuals should make their own health care decisions.”
“Sure, the stimulus spending should have been bigger,” the editors continued. “But let’s not overlook the fact that trends have been put in place that will eventually eliminate the dollar as a medium of exchange. This will wipe out the value of capitalists’ hoards of money and level the playing field for all.”
While the editors still characterized the historic triumph of communism as “inevitable” they also warned that “a Republican victory in this election will slow the momentum toward the progressive society we have all worked so hard to bring about for so many years. Republican promises to staunch the red ink, save the middle class, and preserve freedom will ultimately fail, but giving them the mandate to try prolongs the agony and delays the arrival of that happy day when the last capitalist is hanged and his wealth is distributed to the masses.”
In related news, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi pleaded with voters to “return a Democratic majority to Congress so we can continue our work toward a redistribution of the nation’s wealth into more equitable shares.”
Illegals Working Hard to Reelect Murray
Illegal aliens are going door-to-door to scare up votes for Senator Patty Murray (D-Wash). Mexican illegal Maria Gianni explained, “We are unfairly shut out of the process by the white man’s laws. We are denied our human right to vote. Getting others to vote for our cause is our only option. Señora Murray is one of the great champions of our cause. We help her now. She will help us later.”
The canvassing is sponsored by OneAmerica Votes and is aimed at advancing its “diversity goals.” Pramila Jayapal, head of OneAmerica Votes, says “the campaign is to empower immigrants. Rightfully they should be allowed to vote. The things that the American government does affect these immigrants even if they aren’t citizens. Immigrants deserve a say in who is chosen to run our government. If Senator Murray and others like her are elected we feel confident that they will be given a say.”
Senator Murray expressed her gratitude for the support. “Technically, I suppose they shouldn’t be getting involved,” Murray admitted. “But there are a lot of ignorant red necks who are citizens who shouldn’t be involved in our elections either. Maybe this OneAmerica Votes effort can help offset that.”
President Labels GOP Campaign “Snake Oil”
As polls continue to indicate that Republicans are likely to make major gains in the upcoming election, President Obama warned voters that “they’re trying to sell you ‘snake oil.’” Amidst signs that the phrase had escaped his audience’s comprehension, the President endeavored to educate them.
“The Republicans want to take us back to an era when everyone was forced to take care of himself,” Obama charged. “All they can guarantee you is the opportunity to make your own way. They want to chop away at the protections and solidarity that characterize a progressive country. They want to restrict the funds available to the government and loosen its controls.”
“Before you vote ask yourself, do you want to be limited to the returns on your own effort?” the President asked. “If you don’t, if you want to benefit from the efforts of others, voting Democrat is the logical choice.”