Veep Says Government Responsible for Every Great Idea in Last 200 Years

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

Seeking to blunt arguments against President Obama’s “big government” policy thrust, Vice-President Joe Biden reminded voters that “Every single great idea that has marked the 21st century, the 20th century and the 19th century came from government.”

Saying that he didn’t have time to list them all, Biden cited a few of his favorites. “Take the Federal Reserve System. Without it, the quantity of money would be severely limited. With it there is no end to the amount of money we can create. Then there’s withholding taxes. If people had to write a lump-sum check to the government each year do you think we could’ve expanded into as many programs as we have? And let’s not forget unemployment compensation. Instead of being forced to just take any job to put food on the table, the out-of-work man can bide his time waiting for a better opportunity.”

Biden begged voters to “keep these examples in mind before getting swept up in anti-government fervor. Government is your ‘rich uncle’ who’s there with a helping hand when you need it. Vote to strengthen that hand by returning Democrats to Congress.”

In related news, Biden complained about “lavish spending” by the opponents of progressive government, calling it “wasteful, unaccountable, and destructive.” “One of the things we’ve got to take care of after this election is how to control who spends what on election campaigns,” Biden vowed. “The McCain-Feingold limits aren’t working. We need a system where the Federal Election Commission has to approve all outlays in advance.”

European Court Orders Breast Feeding Leave for Dads

The European Union Court of Justice in Luxembourg ruled that Spain’s law providing paid leave for mothers to breast feed their babies is discriminatory against fathers. Employers were ordered to grant 30 minutes of breast feeding time off per work day for all fathers of newborns.

“The assumption that mothers are the only ones capable of breast feeding infants contradicts the state’s obligation to treat every member of society equally,” the ruling read. “If the law grants mothers time off for breast feeding then it must grant an equivalent time to fathers.”

As has been the case with mothers granted the paid leave, fathers need not spend the time with their infant child. “While those who are able and willing to breast feed their babies may use the time for that purpose it is not mandatory that they do so,” the court said. “The paid time off is theirs by right and may be spent however they choose.”

Neither must the father be married to the mother of his child. “Limiting the benefit to only married couples would also be discriminatory,” the court added. “Even though it would be theoretically possible for a man to sire enough out-of-wedlock children to qualify for perpetual paid leave under the breast feeding allowance.”

Gore Says Tea Party “Off-Side” on Climate Issue

Arguing that “global climate is my ‘political football,’” former Vice-President Al Gore complained that “Tea Party attempts to use this issue for their own political advantage is an off-side penalty.”

Alleging that “I could’ve been bitter when the presidency was stolen from me, but I picked myself up and invented a new career crusading for a cleaner planet,” Gore said. “Now, Tea Partiers are invading my spaceand stirring up skepticism about my message—all for their own selfish interests.”

Gore sought to link Tea Party skepticism with the “fossil fuel lobby.” “Virtually every one of the members of the Tea Party movement owns a car,” Gore pointed out. “Their desire to put fuel in those cars so they can drive them shows they have a conflict of interest. This undermines the credibility of their criticisms of my ideas.”

In contrast, the former Vice-President insisted that his own lavish use of fossil fuel energy shows he is free of conflict of interest charges because “you’d expect such a big consumer as myself to naturally be against any restrictions on energy use, but I’m not.”

As an illustration, Gore mentioned that he recently left the engine of his car running for over an hour while he gave a lecture on global warming in Sweden. “The fact that I’m one of the ones who’ll be hit hardest by restrictions on energy use ought to vouch for my above-the-fray objectivity on this issue,” he boasted.

Carter Says Irresponsible Media Dragging Obama Down

Former President Jimmy Carter blamed what he called the “irresponsible media” for the majority of President Obama’s declining approval ratings. “In a time of crisis the media should be working with the President to help him solve the nation’s problems,” Carter maintained. “Even if they can’t do anything substantive they could still help bolster morale by portraying the President’s efforts in a positive light.”

The former president likened the treatment Obama has experienced to his own. “Just because the president’s plans don’t seem to be working is no reason for piling on,” Carter complained. “Sometimes the country is just gripped by a malaise that won’t go away no matter what you do.”

An irresponsible media is only a part of what Carter posited as a “widespread decline in our nation’s politics. The intensity of opposition to the President is distressing. These Tea Party people are acting like President Obama is another King George with Congress rubber stamping his oppressive policies. We’ve got to come up with better ways of controlling this. The existing campaign regulations are too loose.”

Court Voids Proof of Citizenship for Voting

The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals voided an Arizona law that required those seeking to register to vote to provide proof of citizenship. The ruling vacates a 2004 voter approved initiative that required such proof.

The ruling cited difficulty for many persons in obtaining the required documentation. “People who don’t speak English or who can’t read or write are put at a significant disadvantage by the Arizona law,” the Court wrote in its decision. “This is an excessive burden that will limit the number of people allowed to vote.”

The Court confirmed that federal law, which only requires that the prospective registrant attest that he is legally entitled to vote, takes precedence. “Even the verbally challenged can give a simple ‘yes’ or ‘si’ when asked if he is a citizen,” the Court said. “This is the standard that Congress enacted. No state has the authority to add further impediments to the act of registering to vote.”

How the ruling will affect the counting of votes from persons registered by Mi Familia Vota, the majority of which were discovered to lack state required proof of citizenship, has not yet been determined.

In related news, in a last-ditch effort to salvage the Democratic majority, President Obama called on his “Latino friends” to get out to vote and “help me crush my enemies.” In return, the President promised that “a Democratic majority in Congress is the only way to ensure that amnesty is part of immigration reform.”

Bloomberg Supports Restoration of Term Limit

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he will support a ballot measure to restore the law banning elected officials from serving more than two consecutive four-year terms. The limit was removed in 2008 in order to allow Bloomberg to run for a third consecutive term in 2009. 

Bloomberg said removing the limit was necessary then because “the City had need of the one person with the extraordinary talent to cope with an emerging crisis. Since that extraordinary person will not be running again under any circumstances it’s safe to restore the previous term limitation. When only average people are available for the office, I think it is best that they be limited in the time they are allowed to serve.”

President Offers to Compromise

Coming to grips with what seems a likely Republican triumph in Congress, President Barack Obama offered to make peace with his self-described “enemies.”

“I am not inflexible,” the President assured his foes. “You can come on-board my policy ‘bus’ as long as you agree to sit in the back and can remember that I’m still driving.”

Congressman Applauds Firing of Juan Williams

National Public Radio’s firing of commentator Juan Williams for expressing his anxieties about Muslims in an interview on Fox News was lauded by Representative Keith Ellison (D-Minn.) who characterized Williams as “un-American.”

Ellison, who is currently the only openly Muslim member of Congress, contends that Williams “got off easy.” “In a just world the righteous would fall upon this defamer and smite his neck,” he prophesied.

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