Homeland Security Asks for Broader Screening Powers

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Nipplitaliano declared the Transportation Security Administration’s “pat downs” to be a “great success” and requested a budget increase to extend them to other venues.

“Planes aren’t the only attractive targets for terrorists,” Nipplitaliano pointed out. “Trains and buses also offer a large number of potential victims. Then there’s sporting events and shopping malls. If we’re going to be thorough we need to screen in many more places.”

The Secretary rejected complaints about the intrusiveness of the searches as “overwrought. Any woman who’s undergone a pelvic exam has had to put up with a greater invasion of her person than she normally would under our screening system. A pat here. A poke there. It just takes a minute. Just grin and bear it.”

Nipplitaliano also dismissed fears that aversion to the screening could lead to unwelcome consequences. “Look, traveling, shopping, going to a ball game—all are voluntary activities,” she said. “If travel is reduced, that will save energy and lessen pollution. You can shop via the Internet if you don’t want to be probed at the mall. And most big time sporting events can be watched on TV at home. Would it really be so bad if more people stayed home more often? It seems like that would be safer all around.”

TSA’s “Pat Downs” Pose Disease Risk

The Transportation Security Administration’s “pat down” protocol may spread communicable diseases. While TSA officers do wear rubber gloves when touching air travelers’ genitals and anal cavities they do not dispose of the used gloves between checking other passengers.

“The purpose of the gloves is to protect our officers from coming into direct contact with a traveler’s skin,” said TSA chief John Pistole. “This protects against the transmission of fungus, parasites, bacteria, and viruses between the officer and the prospective airline passenger.”

While the barrier may block transmission of pathogens between inspectors and passengers, the failure to change gloves between each inspection exposes travelers to infection from each other. Protecting against the transmission from patient to patient is the reason why doctors and nurses discard gloves after each patient.

The risk of infecting multiple passengers by reusing gloves was dismissed by Pistole as “not really our concern. Our mandate is to prevent terrorists from smuggling weapons onboard the planes. We also need to protect the health of our personnel. If our officers get sick, air safety would be compromised. But providing a new pair of gloves for each separate passenger is not in our budget.”

Disposable rubber gloves cost about 10 cents per pair on the retail market. Volume discounts are available.

Prez Gets Fat Lip

It took 12 stitches to sew President Barack Obama’s lips together after he received an elbow to the mouth during a pick-up basketball game at Fort McNair.

The owner of the offending elbow was wrestled to the ground by the president’s bodyguard and is presently in custody. “What charges will be filed against this individual remain to be seen,” said Attorney General Eric Holder. “Attacking the president, even by accident, is a serious matter. We need to make an example that will serve as a warning to others. If the president is driving to the basket you get out of his way and let him score. If the president is guarding you let him steal the ball. This is simple common sense. Those who don’t have it may not be smart enough to be allowed to go free.”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs sought to reassure the nation that “the president is expected to make a full recovery. Contrary to what some are saying, there is no need for the Vice-President to assume the powers and duties of the office as acting president.”

Others were not so sure. Vice-President Joe Biden assiduously affirmed his willingness to “step into the breach during this most perilous of times. An injury of this nature impairs the President’s ability to communicate with the people of this nation and with the leaders of foreign nations. His mellifluous voice is his greatest asset. Until his full command of it is restored our country will be at risk. It’s time to invoke the 25th Amendment.”

Under the 25th Amendment to the US Constitution, whenever the Vice-President and a majority of the members of the Cabinet declare the President is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office the Vice-President shall immediately assume these powers and duties as “Acting President.”

A CNN “snap poll” showed that Americans approved of the injury by nearly a two-to-one ratio. “If anybody deserves a shot to the chops it’s Obama,” said one poll respondent. “He’s running this country into the ground. I just wish I’d have been the one to let him have it.”

Another poll respondent averred that “anything that can shut this guy up for even a little while is a blessing. He is the most insufferable blatherer to ever hold the office.”

Global Warming Means Lower Death Rates

A new study published in the peer reviewed journal Climate Change revealed that the phenomenon of global warming is likely to lead to lower human death rates. The research by professors Christidis, Donaldson, and Stott found that 0.7 deaths per million persons per year could be attributed to higher temperatures in the hottest areas, while 85 deaths per million persons per year could be attributed to lower temperatures in the coldest areas. For every one life lost due to increased heat 121 lives are saved.

Climate guru Al Gore challenged the premises of the research as “possibly racist and most certainly species biased. The coldest regions are inhabited mostly by white people, whereas the warmest are inhabited by mostly non-white people. So, saving 100 lives of white people at the cost of one life lost among non-white people is math that strikes me as implicitly racist.”

“Aside from the differential impact between different races of humans there is the issue of impact on non-humans,” Gore continued. “Humans aren’t an endangered species. Many other animals are. For example, there are more than six billion humans, but only about 20,000 polar bears. With such a big surplus of humans wouldn’t sacrificing some be worthwhile if we can save more polar bears by making the planet colder?”

Ex-Prez Carter Says Fox Distorts News

In an interview on CNN, former President Jimmy Carter claimed that Fox News “systematically distorts the facts and gives a false picture of reality.”

“If one were to believe Fox News, I was a terrible president and am now a doddering fool,” Carter complained. “I get no credit for accurately assessing the malaise that led to the awful 1980s under the mismanagement of President Reagan. Nor do I get any recognition for helping to demonstrate what a problem Iran would become for us. I may have appeared helpless and irresolute, but who else has done any better since I was president? Here it is 30 years later and all we’ve got are the ineffectual embargoes and moral censures that I pioneered.”

“People forget that I tried to rescue those hostages, but was thwarted by bad weather and a poorly conceived plan,” Carter added. “At least I never bowed down to any foreign potentate. Not everyone can say the same.”

In related news, Carter called criticism of North Korea’s recent artillery attack on South Korea “unwarranted.” “All they’re asking for is a little respect now that they’re a nuclear power,” Carter argued. “Our government’s position that somehow they aren’t entitled to their own nuclear weapons is simply unfair. Shelling South Korean civilians was a desperate cry for attention, much like Hamas’ shelling of Israeli villages has been.”

President Says He Is “Extraordinarily Proud” of His Record Thus Far

Despite the recent election in which his Party received a “shellacking,” President Obama told ABC News’ Barbara Walters that he is “extraordinarily proud” of his accomplishments to-date.

“I could’ve been just a run-of-the-mill president like so many others, but I’ve made these historic and interesting times in which to live,” Obama bragged. “Unemployment hasn’t been this high since the Roosevelt Administration over 70 years ago. These parlous circumstances have enabled me to preside over a spending spree unmatched by any previous president. More people are getting government checks than ever before.”

The President pointed to his “historic” health care reform legislation as another grand achievement. “What other law has been passed by congressmen who so openly admitted to not having read it beforehand?” he asked. “We are not only transforming the way health services will be delivered, we are also charting a new way to govern. There is no limit to what we can do when legislators are willing to blindly enact a policy that no one fully comprehends. This is a transformational legacy that will change this nation forever.”

Obama further contended that the idea of members of congress voting without a good knowledge about the content of the bill should not be surprising. “The American people voted for me without a good knowledge,” he pointed out. “It’s a new paradigm of faith in this nation’s leaders that may obviate the need for future elections.”

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TSA’s Violation of Constitution’s 4th Amendment ‘Necessary and Proper’

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Nipplitaliano defended her Transportation Security Administration’s new invasive searches of would be air travelers as “necessary and proper” while also acknowledging that the procedures appear to violate the Constitutional prohibition against “unreasonable searches.”

“In a perfect world everyone’s rights can be respected,” she said. “But sometimes we have to put aside strict adherence to the Constitution if a more important purpose is to be served.”

Presumably, the more important purpose is public safety. However, scientists have raised questions as to whether safety would be enhanced by submitting travelers to repeated x-ray scans. Arizona State University Professor Peter Rez estimated that the probability of dying from radiation from a body scanner is about equal to that of being killed in a terror attack: one in 30 million. And that’s if the scanners work as advertised. Rez’s study revealed that radiation doses are often higher than the manufacturer claims.

Professor John Sedat, a University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) professor of biochemistry and biophysics, called the machines “mutagenic” and allowed that “there is good reason to believe that these scanners will increase the risk of cancer to children and other vulnerable populations.”

Nipplitaliano declared these risks “within acceptable parameters. Anyone who gets cancer from the scans will die years, maybe decades, from now. Besides, people who’re concerned about radiation can opt for a ‘pat down.’” These pat downs include manual probing of the passenger’s genitalia, anus, groin, breast, inner thigh and buttocks. Persons who leave the airport rather than submit to either the scanner or the pat down search—as John “don’t touch my junk” Tyner did—may be fined up to $11,000.

Cynics suggest that the real “more important purpose” may be the purchase of the scanners themselves. The Government has reportedly committed to investing $800 million in the devices, which, as it turns out, are manufactured by a company called Rapiscan, whose CEO, Deepak Chopra, made the maximum legally allowable donation to President Barack Obama’s 2008 campaign.

Ironically, Nipplitaliano is said to be weighing the possibility of exempting Muslim women from the enhanced search protocol. “Having their bodies seen or touched by unbelievers is a grievous transgression in their religion,” Nipplitaliano observed. “Forcing them to comply might essentially be barring them from flying. That would be unfair discrimination.”

In related news, US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is said to be pushing the idea of using archived scan images as a possible revenue generator. “A lot of people pay a lot of money to view naked pictures over the Internet,” Geithner observed. “We’ll have a steady supply to feed into this market. Or we could agree to withhold certain images from the market in exchange for a fee. Either way, it would be money we could get without having to go to Congress for an appropriation.”

GM Stock Sale Shows Obamanomics Working

President Barack Obama lauded the General Motors stock sale as “proof of the success of my policies.” The sale included half of the shares held by the federal government and netted the US Treasury over $11 billion dollars.

While the goal of getting the Government out of GM is worthy, it is difficult to see how it can be described as a success. The federal government put $50 billion into the company and just sold half its interest for $11 billion. This represents almost a 60% loss of its equity position.

The President discounted the relevance of such financial calculations, though. “From a pure financial perspective this looks like a bad investment,” Obama agreed. “Compared to other transportation investments the Government has made, though, it looks pretty good. Rail transit typically loses about 90% of the taxpayer money we put into it. And high-speed rail is on track for even worse outcomes. But this doesn’t matter. What does matter is that all the money we spent became someone’s income. So nothing was really lost.”

In related news, the White House Council of Economic Advisers (CEA) reported the $800 billion “stimulus package” to be a “great success” in that it “created or saved 3.5 million jobs.” For those doing the math, if, in fact, this spending did save 3.5 million jobs this amounts to a cost of over $200,000 per job—four times the estimated average wage for working Americans. The missing $150,000 per job was attributed to “administrative expense, regulatory oversight, and the spillage that is unavoidable in government projects of this magnitude.”

Emanuel Dismisses Possible Residency Challenge

President Obama’s former Chief-of-Staff, Rahm Emanuel dismissed the possibility that he would be found ineligible to run for the Chicago mayor’s job because he hasn’t met the residency requirement.

The residency requirement does allow an exception for active-duty members of the US military. Emanuel contends that he qualifies under this exception. “I have served directly under the Commander-in-Chief of the US Armed Forces for the last two years,” Emanuel pointed out. “During that time we have been continuously at war. So, even though I haven’t worn a uniform or carried a weapon I’ve been just as much in the line of fire as the President himself.”

Emanuel stated that he has a letter signed by the President that names him an “aide-de-camp” and that he will present this letter if it becomes necessary to prove his active-duty military credentials.

Press Briefings to Be Scaled Back

The White House announced that the frequency of Press Secretary Robert Gibbs’ on-camera media briefings is being scaled back. “He was getting more ‘face time’ with the media than the President,” said David Axelrod, Senior Advisor to President Obama. “No one should be getting more face time than the President.”

There is also some speculation that the Administration will be deemphasizing communications in the context of the intent to govern by Executive Order. “It’s not as if the President is under any obligation to answer questions either personally or through his Press Secretary,” said John Podesta, former Chief of Staff for President Clinton. “As Commander-in-Chief, the President has all the authority he needs to rule this country with or without the concurrence of Congress or anybody else. Cap-and Trade, Card-Check, Single-Payer Health Care—all can be implemented by the stroke of a pen. If he needs to deploy troops to enforce his will he has the power to do so. He just has to maintain the strength to act and not let himself be bothered by the caviling of his enemies.”

Carville Issues Correction on “Balls” Statement

Amidst charges that he is an “uncouth bastard,” Democratic political guru James Carville sought to clarify his earlier remarks. “I know I said that if Hillary gave one of her balls to Obama he’d have two,” Carville admitted. “But I confess that I can’t fully back that up. The part about Hillary is true enough. I’ve seen ‘em. But I can’t vouch for President Obama. The transplant I envisioned might only give him the one ball he gets from Hillary.”

President Hampered by Unconstrained Brilliance

President Obama’s low approval status among American voters is being attributed to his “unconstrained brilliance” and “incomparable talent” by a pair of leading Democrats.

White House senior adviser and longtime Obama friend Valerie Jarrett contends that “his extraordinary talent is so far above that of the average person that there is a disconnect that fosters envy and jealousy. People are refusing to respond positively to his genius out of spite. They are crucifying him just like they crucified Jesus.”

Vice-President Joe Biden argued that “the President is brilliant beyond our comprehension. He makes the rest of us look like morons. It is we who have let him down. The failure of his policies is not due to any fault of his. We are just too stupid to get with the program and do our part to make him succeed.”

Biden theorized that Obama’s brilliance was the result of “having a Caucasian mother, being raised in a Caucasian neighborhood by Caucasian grandparents. This gives him the unique blend of a Black man’s strength and virility combined with the intellectual stimulation of a White upbringing. If both his parents had been Black and he’d grown up in the ghetto he’d probably have been a high school drop out and street thug with a prison record and a short life expectancy.”

The Vice-President did claim to have one advantage over the President. “My dog is smarter than his dog,” Biden boasted. “Hell, my dog is smarter than me. Maybe he should be the vice-president.”

Senator Wants Fox News Shut Down

Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) urged the Federal Communications Commission to consider putting Fox News out of business. “We could do our work of governing this nation much more effectively without persistent questioning and criticism from the anti-government crowd,” Rockefeller contended. “Media outlets like Fox are undermining the American people’s faith in their leaders. They aggravate problems by casting doubt on our intentions, our motives, and the feasibility of our actions. A big contributor to the success of any undertaking is the belief that it will work. Media that weaken this belief aren’t helping us. The nation doesn’t need them.”

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Administration Asserts Authority to Terminate ‘Enemies’

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

The Obama Administration filed court papers asserting that “the Government has the authority to use deadly force against its enemies.” The filing came in response to a lawsuit brought by the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and the Center for Constitutional Rights (CCR) charging that the asserted killing authority violates the US Constitution.

As the US Department of Justice (DOJ) Brief put it, “this Government faces serious threats both at home and abroad. Just this past November 2, over 60 members of the governing coalition were driven from their posts by dangerous right-wing elements who have been identified by the president as enemies of his Administration. Under such a threat, the President, as Commander-in-Chief, has a broad power to take any measures he deems necessary and warranted to protect the nation from this kind of assault.”

The brief further challenged the jurisdiction of the court on this matter: “The voters in America have granted this power to President Barack Obama by electing him to the office he currently holds. For the courts to attempt to place any limits on this grant of power would undermine our democratic form of government. It is our position that the courts have no jurisdiction in this matter. Consequently, the Executive Branch of the Government will not enforce any court finding that interferes with the President’s Constitutional authority as Commander-in-Chief to order the elimination of any person he deems a credible threat.”

CCR Staff Attorney Pardiss Kebriaei characterized the DOJ’s argument as “a brief for lawless abuse of power and a gateway to unconstrained tyranny. The focus in the immediate case may be a suspected al-Qaeda operative, but the scope of the authority claimed would essentially give the President the option of ordering the assassination of anyone he chooses to name as a threat. Today the target is Anwar al-Aulaqi. Tomorrow it might be Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh.”

Commission Proposes “Crushing Taxes” as Remedy for “Crushing Debt”

The National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform’s proposal for dealing with what the Commission warned would be a “crushing debt” is for the government to, instead, impose crushing taxes. The bipartisan commission chaired by Democrat Erskine Bowles and Republican Alan Simpson rejected any significant reductions in government spending as “outside the mandate we were given by President Obama when he delegated this task to us.”

“The Government is the sector that is hurting the most during the economic downturn,” Bowles contended. “Expanding health care, building high-speed passenger rail, bailing out Wall Street, funding employee pensions—these government responsibilities aren’t self-financing. Meanwhile, most people in the private sector clearly continue to possess and consume more than they need to. Many are living in single-family dwellings when multi-family units would be sufficient. Many households have more than one private vehicle when they should be using public transportation. And there’s a lot of idle money sitting in IRAs and 401Ks that the government desperately needs.”

“Sopping up some of these resources sloshing around in the private sector is imperative,” Simpson insisted. “Sopping” measures recommended by the Commission included expiration of the Bush tax cuts, new levies on financial transactions, sweeping existing IRAs and 401Ks into a new government-run “Guaranteed Savings Accounts” program, raising the Social Security retirement age to 69, and inflating the money supply.

School Sued for Teaching that Blacks Were Once Slaves in America

The Margaret Black Elementary School in Sterling Heights Michigan is being sued by one of the parents of a fifth-grade student. The parent, Jamey Petree, alleges that his daughter Jala was permanently damaged both mentally and emotionally by being taught that her ancestors might have been slaves.

“Every girl likes to dream that she might be a princess,” Petree said. “By being told and shown that Black people like her were slaves in the past destroys that dream. For this my daughter deserves compensation.”

Scott E. Combs, the lawyer hired by Petree, dismissed the school’s contention that the lessons were based on factual events as irrelevant. “Just because something may be true doesn’t mean that is right,” Combs argued. “There are many more true facts than the school has time to mention. That they chose these particular facts shows a wanton disregard for the feelings of my client. They have damaged her self-esteem and stunted her life. For this they must be made to pay just compensation.”

The suit names a price of $50,000 as the amount needed to offset the damage to Jala Petree’s self-esteem.

Administration Awards $150 Million to Fatah

The Obama Administration announced that it is adding an additional $150 million to the $900 million in aid the US Government granted to the Palestinian group Fatah last year. Though many consider Fatah to be a sponsor of terrorist activities aimed at Israel, the Obama Administration has accepted its claims that it is working toward a peaceful resolution of its disputes with Israel.

“Unlike others that have vowed to exterminate every Jew living in the region, Fatah is willing to forbear if a peaceful means of removing them from Palestinian lands can be arranged,” explained US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “By supplying funds we are trying to encourage this sort of moderation among the factions that are vying for influence in the region.”

“As we understand it, they’ve run through the earlier grant and don’t even have enough funds to supply bullets to troops they have in the field right now,” Clinton added. “They’re at risk of being overrun by more radical Islamic extremists and vulnerable to retaliation from Israeli Defense Forces for cross-border incursions.”

The Administration’s action was undeterred by rumors that the bulk of the earlier aid was siphoned off into secret Swiss bank accounts in the names of key leaders in the Fatah movement.

Saudi Arabia Added to Women’s Panel in UN

The United Nations effort to add representatives from Iran and Saudi Arabia to its “super agency” on women’s rights was only partially successful. Lobbying by the U.S. convinced enough of the delegates to vote against allowing Iran’s representative to sit on the panel.

Whether either of these nation’s representatives merited inclusion on this panel seems doubtful. Both have a record of repression toward women. In this regard, Saudi Arabia is arguably more severe in its treatment of women than Iran.

A spokesman for the UN defended the intended addition of Iranian and Saudi representatives, explaining that “We mustn’t let ourselves be restricted to the Western view that women should be treated like men. Cultures that seek to protect women from sin and defilement deserve a voice. Who is to say that keeping women subjugated isn’t in their best interest in the long run?”

Campaign Donations Show It’s the GOP that’s out of Step

Accounting for donations given during the most recent election cycle show that it is the Republican Party that is out of step with America says Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine.

“If we look at where the money is coming from to support each Party’s candidates, it is clear that the Democratic Party is the one that is in sync with the majority of America,” Kaine boasted. “Defense contractors gave more money to Democrats. Wall Street gave more money to Democrats. Drug manufacturers, hospitals, and HMOs gave more to Democrats. Lobbyists gave more to Democrats by an almost two-to-one ratio.”

Kaine argued that “this should put to rest the notion that Republicans are the ones who speak for the majority of Americans. The voting results for November 2nd are the anomaly. Americans who put their money where there mouths are want Democrats to run the show.”

In line with this thinking, Congress’s Progressive Caucus, a group originated at the instigation of the Democratic Socialists of America, was urged by the George Soros-funded Institute for Policy Studies (IPS) to throw its support behind a plan for the President to rule via Executive Order.

“Progressives won in the 2010 mid-term elections,” said Karen Dolan, a research fellow at the IPS. “What we have now is a more solidly progressive bunch of Democrats in Congress and a President who should be less encumbered by the false illusion that he needs to compromise with his enemies.”

Muslim Says Contact with “Unclean” Michelle Obama Inadvertent

Indonesian Information Minister and devout Muslim, Tifatul Sembiring, rebuffed demands that his right hand be amputated for coming into contact with “the supremely unclean” U.S. First Lady, Michelle Obama during a recent official event. “She was the aggressor,” Sembiring charged. “I should not be made to suffer for her offense.” Sembiring argued that his immersing the hand in buffalo dung was an adequate cleansing protocol.

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Pelosi Vows to Keep Leadership Post

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) vowed that she would keep her post as Speaker despite huge Republican gains that now make Democrats the minority party in the House of Representatives.

“The American people want and need me to lead the House of Representatives,” Pelosi insisted. “I have the experience and the ‘name recognition.’ I’ve lost count of how many times I was mentioned in the campaign ads for Republicans who won. Many owe their seats to me. They should acknowledge this and pay back the favor.”

Pelosi promised she would “take a bipartisan approach to naming committee chairs,” and said “it is conceivable that one or more of these posts could go to Republicans. It’s important that we don’t lose momentum. Over the last two years Democrats had to do most of the heavy lifting on the president’s agenda for reform. Now it’s time for the GOP to bear a fairer share of this burden. Retaining me as Speaker will ensure that we stay on track.”

The Speaker contrasted her “proven leadership” with the “negative ramblings” of Minority Leader John Boehner. “Rather than building upon what we’ve accomplished so far, Mr. Boehner says he wants to cut government spending and block implementation of health care reform. President Obama won’t stand for that. Having Mr. Boehner as Speaker would only lead to a series of vetoes and lack of progress on the President’s important initiatives. When members of Mr. Boehner’s Party realize this I think they’ll turn to me to lead them.”

President Obama characterized Pelosi’s pitch as “unusual, but not unreasonable. Look, I can still rule by Executive Order if I have to. That would render Congress largely superfluous. But by retaining Nancy as Speaker they’d still be in the game and get a few ‘bones’ tossed their way every now and then.”

Journal Defends Anonymous Sniping

POLITICO executive editor Jim VandeHei defended his publication’s use of anonymous attacks on Sarah Palin as “essential to the way we do business.”

“Granted, an anonymous source is unverifiable,” VandeHei confessed. “But sometimes it’s all you’ve got. Does this create suspicion that the entire thing is fabricated? You bet. Still, as long as people keep reading our mission is accomplished.”

To try to dampen suspicions that the anti-Palin quotes might have been fake, VandeHei posited the very plausible alternative that “it is entirely credible that these GOP ‘pussies’ who’re anonymously complaining about Palin don’t have the balls to take her on face-to-face. I mean she’s dynamic, assertive and politically astute. Who wouldn’t be afraid of her?”

President Explains “Enemies” Reference

President Barack Obama defended his reference to Republicans as “enemies,” calling it “one of those self-evident truths to anyone who’s been paying attention.”

“I am on a great crusade to transform America into a better country,” Obama boasted. “Who would oppose making America a better country? Enemies of all that is good and right, that’s who.”

The President admitted that “It may have been impolitic of me to come right out and say it, but it kind of proves my point when I get hammered for my honesty. I mean, do they prefer dishonesty? Perhaps they do, but using my own words against me is the type of ‘low blow’ we should expect from the minions of evil that I’ve been facing on a daily basis these last two years.”

Muslim Demands Court Overrule Oklahoma Voters on Sharia Law

Muneer Awad, executive director of the Council on American-Islamic Relations in Oklahoma, has filed suit asking that the court overturn the voters’ choice on “Question 755.” Question 755—a measure restricting Oklahoma judges to base rulings on state and federal law—was approved by 70 percent of voters on November 2.

Awad argued that “voters do not have the authority to negate the holy law of Islam. The law of God must take precedence over any civil concoction. For courts to impede my practice of my religion by ignoring the commands of sharia violates my human rights.”

“Nothing illustrates this more clearly than the anti-family bent of American civil law,” Awad continued. “Under a false banner of ‘women’s rights,’ civil law interferes with my ability to protect my wife’s and daughters’ virtue. It is bad enough that they have to observe the shameless unbelievers wantonly exposing their faces in public, but for the law to say that they have the right to imitate them or to travel about unescorted lures them into depravity—something that I have the obligation to prevent. I must resist this oppression by getting this vote thrown out.”

In related news, a Swedish Marxist explained his “conversion” to Islam. “Both Communism and Islam provide a structure that relieves the individual from the anxieties forced upon him by freedom,” he said. “Yet, both also support total freedom of action against enemies. There are no moral dilemmas. If you need to kill someone to advance the cause you can do it without having to dither over the cost. This is very liberating.”

Health Care Repeal a “Non-Starter” Says Gibbs

Despite indications that opposition to the President’s health care reform fueled the large GOP gain in Congress, Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs declared possible repeal a “non-starter.”

“We don’t know for sure why people voted for Republicans,” Gibbs argued. “It could’ve been as Maureen Dowd said—people are just dumb. To leap from this assumption to the idea that voters want the health care law repealed isn’t warranted.”

“Besides, even it is what voters want now who’s to say they won’t change their minds next week?” Gibbs added. “No, the President is determined that America needs this law and will fight any attempt to undo it.”

Gibbs downplayed a potential GOP strategy of simply refusing to appropriate the funds needed to implement the law. “We will find the necessary funds, of that I can assure you,” Gibbs said. “One idea that is under review is for the Federal Reserve to create the funds to buy a special health care debt issue. This way we could bypass the whole congressional appropriations process.”

Election Debacle Emanuel’s Fault White House Says

A White House Spokesman insisting on anonymity laid the blame for the drubbing Democrats took November 2 on recently departed Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel. “He had us put too much emphasis on ‘creative balloting’ then bailed before we could fully implement it,” the spokesman contended. “Deceased voters can’t fill out their own ballots. And if we don’t provide adequate transportation many will be limited to casting only one or two votes. I don’t think he’ll be so lackadaisical in his race for mayor in Chicago next year.”

China Worried about GOP Ascendancy in Congress

Kau Pi, Minister of Commerce for the Chinese Government expressed dismay over the transfer of power from Democrats to Republicans in the recent House of Representatives’ elections. “We were confident of the destruction of the US Dollar and economy as long as Congress was there to rubber stamp President Obama’s initiatives,” Kau said. “His high taxes and wasteful spending are tying a millstone around the necks of the capitalists. Perhaps the rising power of the opposition party will slow this process.”

Democrats’ Political Fortunes Hurt by Lack of Tragedy

Longtime Democratic pollster Mark Penn attributed the Democrats’ dismal showing at the polls on November 2 to “the lack of a sympathy-generating tragedy. Clinton had the Oklahoma City bombing and Bush had the 911 attacks. True, Obama had the Fort Hood shootings, but the body-count wasn’t of critical mass. If a few hundred had been killed by some McVeigh-type kook I think we’d have been looking at an entirely different outcome.”

President’s Pre-Election Disappearance Explained

The absence from public view of President Obama on the Monday before election day was explained by Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as “an episode of tremendous heroism in the face of great danger. You may have heard the story of rescue of Elyse Frankcom in Australia by an ‘unidentified man. Well I am pleased to be able to tell you that the man was none other than President Obama.”

Nineteen-year-old Frankcom was leading a “swimming with dolphins” encounter in waters off western Australia when she was grabbed by a 10 foot long great white shark. An unidentified man described as a fairly large male, pulled on the shark’s tail causing the animal to release the girl. She is expected to fully recover. The man declined publicity and refused to give his name.

“Clearly, the president fits the description,” Gibbs declared. “So, while his political enemies were busy tending to their own interests, President Obama was halfway around the world saving a life and declining to take credit for it,” Gibbs bragged. “It’s just the kind of guy he is.”

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