President Hails Anniversary of Roe v. Wade

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News  

President Barack Obama took the occasion of the 38th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision upholding a woman’s right to abort her own child to praise the “protection of this critical human right.”

“Blocking a woman’s right to abortion amounts to a form of human bondage not that different from the human bondage of slavery that marred this nation’s early history,” Obama contended. “Just as that earlier bondage could not stand, neither could the abridgement of women’s rights that state laws against abortion represented be allowed to stand. Fortunately, no one had to lose his life to end this latter day slavery.”

The President cited statistics indicating that African-American women exercise the right to abortion five times as frequently as white women as “proof of the linkage between the racially-based slavery ended by the Civil War and the sex-based slavery of laws barring access to abortion.”

Obama also characterized the 93% of abortions performed for “social reasons” as “the coup de gras to the right wing argument that restricting abortions to cases impacting the health of the mother represent an acceptable compromise. At best, it would permit only 7% of the abortions desired, forcing over 90% of women to endure an unwanted burden—a form of modern-day slavery that would profoundly diminish women as persons under the law.”

Ban on “Earmarks” Called “Power Grab”

President Barack Obama’s pledge to veto legislation containing so-called “earmarks” has so rankled Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) that he has vowed “to fight to my last breath against this power grab.”

“The President isn’t the only one who gets to say who will be on the receiving end of government spending,” Reid said. “All of us who must face the voters need campaign donations if we’re to be reelected. Channeling federal dollars to the businesses and interest groups who fill our campaign coffers is the payback that’s expected from these donors. Without it their incentive to give will dry up.”

Reid said he wasn’t entirely unsympathetic to “the President’s desire to focus the gratitude of potential donors on his own bid for reelection in 2012. I mean, raising a billion dollar campaign fund is a huge task. But trying to hog it all for himself overlooks the fact that he needs Congress’ support to govern. He’s not going to get that support from a body comprised of legislators who are forced to run on their merits alone.”

“Without the quid pro quo of earmarks we’ll likely end up with a Congress controlled by Tea Party fanatics,” Reid warned. “Which, I would think is about the last thing we all want to have happen.”

Bad Weather Boosts Unemployment Rate

An analyst for the US Department of Labor is blaming bad weather for a jump in applications for unemployment benefits.

“Holding down a job and dealing with the daily hassle of commuting to and from work is bad enough when the weather is good,” said the analyst in a “not for attribution” interview. “When it’s cold and there’s snow coming down and ice on the roads staying home and getting a government check looks pretty good to a lot of people. So, we shouldn’t be surprised to see more of them signing up for benefits.”

The requirement that recipients of unemployment benefits must be “actively seeking work” was called “laughable.” “There’s no effective method for tracking job-seeking activities,” he pointed out. “Besides, the objective of the program is to put spending power into people’s hands. Denying benefits because a recipient isn’t really trying to get work would thwart this objective. Why do you think Congress keeps extending the length of time a person can get unemployment benefits?”

FDA Seeks to Ban Intravenous Ascorbic Acid

The Federal Food and Drug Administration (FDA) issued an order to McGuff Pharmaceuticals instructing it to cease producing and distributing intravenous ascorbic acid (IAA). The grounds for the FDA action laid out in its order stated that IAA is “an unapproved new drug.”

Ascorbic acid, more commonly known as vitamin C, has been in use for decades to treat a variety of conditions. IAA has accomplished many amazing cures as detailed in the book Curing the Incurable by Dr. Thomas Levy. The FDA rejected the argument of effectiveness outright. “The very effectiveness of IAA argues that it is, in fact, a drug, and not merely a vitamin,” the FDA wrote. “As such, it clearly comes under our jurisdiction.”

A possible explanation for why the FDA is choosing to take this action now may be recent indications that IAA has had some good results in treating cancer patients. “It has come to our attention that your product has been used to treat cancer patients,” the FDA order read. “IAA is not a therapy generally recognized as safe and effective for treating this condition. Until such a time as it is we cannot permit its manufacture or distribution.”

Current therapies for treating cancer—surgery, radiation and chemo—are generally recognized as unsafe and are frequently ineffective, but are permitted because the condition treated is otherwise likely to be fatal. They are also extraordinarily expensive compared to IAA.

The FDA invites citizens who may suspect other unapproved therapies are being used to contact their office at so that “appropriate measures to safeguard the public may be taken.”

Cutting Government Spending “Reckless” Says Weiner

Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) applauded President Obama’s determination to continue “vital investments” in the US economy and labeled Republican desires to cut the budget as “reckless.”

“Never has it been clearer that this nation needs the kind of investments the President has called for,” Weiner argued. “High-speed rail passenger service powered by clean solar or wind energy is something the private sector would never do in its own because there’s no profit in it. But if the GOP has its way we’d never see this kind of forward thinking driving federal policy.”

Weiner also discounted the idea that there is any “fat” that could be trimmed from the budget. “Even if we grant that there is ‘dead wood’ in the federal bureaucracy, what good would cutting it do?” Weiner asked. “These people would just be thrown into the ranks of the unemployed making the recession worse. Isn’t it better that we keep them off the streets? I find the notion that just because their efforts have no real value they don’t deserve to draw a government check to be cruel and anachronistic.”

In related news, Vice-President Joe Biden asserted that “the Administration is committed to raising taxes in order to freeze wasteful private spending and fund needed government investments. Too much of the nation’s resources are being frittered away by those who put personal satisfaction and private profit ahead of the common good. Taxing these resources away from these selfish individuals will get the economy moving in the right direction.”

Al Gore Praises Malawi Government’s New Anti-Farting Move

Former US Vice-President and environmental expert Al Gore praised the Malawi Government’s recent move to outlaw public farting. Under new rules promulgated by the Malawi Government, local courts would have the authority to mete out “appropriate punishments” for the “most obnoxious offenders.”

“While I must congratulate them on taking a step that will help lower greenhouse gas emissions, I’m sorry to see them pass up the opportunity to make a more meaningful contribution,” Gore said. “While I have managed to avoid personal emissions of methane gases for the last ten years, we must realize that not everyone has as much self control. That’s why I’ve contacted the Malawi Government and recommended they take a ‘cap-and-trade’ approach. My investment company has the expertise to help them set up a system that could be very profitable for the Government and very effective for reducing this very potent greenhouse gas.”

Hawaii Hatches Creative Plan to Close Budget Deficit

Lawmakers in Hawaii have crafted what they hope will close an $800 million gap between spending and revenues in that state. The plan, a brainchild of Democratic State Representative Rida Cabanilla, would sell certified copies of President Barack Obama’s birth certificate for $100 a pop.

Cabanilla isn’t deterred by that state’s Governor’s recent futile attempt to secure such a document. “We have paper and ink, what else is required?” Cabanilla asked. “All we need now are enough customers to buy the product. If we can get eight million of the so-called ‘birthers’ to buy them our budget will be balanced.”

The plan was heartily endorsed by President Obama’s outgoing Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs. “This is just another example of how the President has created something out of nothing,” Gibbs boasted. “He could have paid $12 for a certified copy of his birth certificate and just released it, but by holding out he’s created a ton of economic opportunities for lawyers and others. And now the State of Hawaii may be able to balance its budget by selling copies of this eagerly anticipated document. It’s just one more sign of his genius.”

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