By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The entire contingent of Democrats in the Wisconsin State Senate has fled the state and gone into hiding somewhere within the People’s Republic of Illinois. The inspiration for the exodus of Democrats was the looming passage of legislation aimed at trimming the State’s fiscal deficit.
Senator Jon Erpenbach (D-Middleton) vowed that he and his colleagues are prepared to stay away as long as it takes to defeat the “enemies of social justice. Just because they have the votes doesn’t mean they have the right to govern any way they want. The Governor and his GOP henchmen are trying to undo policies that have prevailed in the State of Wisconsin for more than 50 years.”
The fact that Wisconsin voters gave Republicans a majority in both houses as well as the governorship was dismissed as irrelevant by Erpenbach. “You know, German voters elected Hitler,” Erpenbach said. “So, we can’t just use election results as a guide to what is right.” Many of those demonstrating in the streets of the State Capital and carrying placards depicting Governor Scott Walker (R) as Hitler would appear to agree with Erpenbach’s assessment.
Democrats consider Republican efforts to block public employee wage increases that exceed the rate of inflation, require state employees to pay half the cost of their own pensions and nearly 13% of the cost of their own health care insurance in order to try to reduce a $3.6 billion budget deficit to be “unfair.” “Even if this is what voters want, it isn’t what we want,” said Mary Bell, president of the teachers’ union. “Forcing us to take less than we want is oppression of the worst sort.”
Teachers who have illegally called-in sick in order to join the street protests constitute a substantial share of the mob demonstrating against the proposed policy changes. This has forced a widespread cancellation of classes throughout the public school system.
President Barack Obama has weighed-in on the side of the protesting state employees. “We can’t really blame them for resorting to illegal tactics to combat this unprecedented attack on their rights,” he said. The President’s Organizing for America is aiding the protest by providing phone banks to recruit demonstrators and buses to haul them to the rallies.
US House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) professed herself “inspired by the brave Democrats in Wisconsin” and hoped that “I’d have the courage to lead a similar rebellion against an out of control GOP at the national level. But we couldn’t just go to another state like they did. We’d have to go to Cuba or Venezuela—somewhere where progressive values are appreciated.”
Obama Administration Won’t Cooperate with Congressional Inquiries
A request by Representative Darrell Issa (R-Calif), Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, for testimony on the President’s “stimulus package” was rejected by the White House. At issue was the so-called Romer-Bernstein report (authored by Jared Bernstein, Vice President Joe Biden’s top economic adviser, and Christina Romer, the former head of the White House Council of Economic Advisors). The report portrays the stimulus package as a great success. The White House has cleared Romer and Bernstein to appear on television to discuss it.
“If they can go on TV why can’t they testify in Congress?” asked Issa spokesman Kurt Bardella. “With unemployment at 9%, home foreclosures at distressingly high levels, and government budgets at all levels bleeding red ink we’d like to hear more about the reasoning behind the idea that the package was a success.”
Obama spokesman Reid Cherlin explained that “it is the GOP’s persistently hostile attitude toward the President’s agenda that is blocking the requested testimony. Why should Romer or Bernstein be thrown into the ‘lion’s den’ at a Republican hearing when we can still get our message out through a more friendly medium?”
The Administration’s refusal to allow the testimony is part of a “conscious policy of non-cooperation” said Cherlin. “The President was elected with his own mandate from the voters. He doesn’t have to answer to these guys. If they don’t like it they can try impeachment, but given that they couldn’t get that done against a perjuring fornicator, I think we can be confident of how that will end up against our first Black President.”
President Threatens Cuts in Social Security
If Republicans in Congress insist on passing a finance bill that contains too many cuts to “vital programs” the President says he will veto it and make cuts in Social Security payments instead. The targeting of Social Security is, according to President Obama, “intended to get people’s attention.”
“Look, if I cut back on things like high-speed rail subsidies, corporate bailouts, or bureaucratic headcounts I’d be playing right into my opponents’ hands,” Obama explained. “The average American isn’t going to be motivated to oppose Republican plans to cut spending if this is what we were to cut. But tens of millions depend on Social Security checks. In turn they have tens of millions of children and grandchildren who won’t like to see their parents or grandparents suffer when the checks stop coming.”
The President characterized his willingness to “play chicken” with the GOP by “placing a key demographic at risk,” “courageous.” “I could do the popular thing and go along with cuts to programs that few care about,” the President said. “But sometimes a leader has to employ a strategy of selective duress in order to ensure that the people get what they should have rather than letting them settle for only what they want.”
Abortion Needed to Spare People from Lives of Bad Cuisine
Finally, an irrefutable argument for federal funding of abortion has been articulated. For those unpersuaded that killing unborn humans is sometimes necessary to protect the mental health of the would-be mother comes a new idea for their consideration from Representative Gwen Moore (D-Wisc). As Ms Moore sees it, a timely abortion saves many from lives that are sustained by bad cuisine.
“If all your parents can afford to feed you is Ramen noodles and mayonnaise sandwiches you’re better off dead,” contended the plump congresswoman. “I mean, if I couldn’t get my regular dose of pizzas, cheese burgers, and ice cream I’d kill myself. By getting an abortion a woman saves her child from having to face a harrowing choice between a grim life of bad-tasting food and blowing one’s head off.”
Federal funding for abortion is, thus, essential because “the type of mother who would be faced with this choice most likely can’t afford to pay for an abortion on her own,” Moore observed. “Without federal funding only those who could easily afford good food for their children would be able to get abortions. That would restrict the right to abortion to those who, in my opinion, don’t really need it.”
We Shouldn’t Fear Muslim Brotherhood, Carter Says
Former US President Jimmy Carter sought to reassure everyone that “the Muslim Brotherhood is not a group we should be afraid of. From my dealings with some of their representatives I can assure you that they are pious and devout people who only want to promulgate their faith as instructed by their holy book—the Quran.”
That the Quran commands Muslims to offer nonbelievers the options of conversion, second-class citizenship, or death didn’t faze the ex-president. “Each faith has its own path,” Carter instructed. “The Muslim obligation to make war for Islam and the Christian belief in ‘turning the other cheek’ are not inevitably in conflict. I think the world could quite easily accommodate both. After all, what is our paying the jizya compared to the suffering of Jesus on the cross? If it is the price of peace I say we can afford to pay it.”
In related news, Hamas, the Palestinian terror organization, maintains that Islam is more democratic than the West. “In the West democracy is impeded by minority rights,” said Hamas spokesman Mahmoud Zahar. “The majority is forced to abide the sacrilegious speech and immoral behavior of the minority. The majority is blocked from purifying the community by suppressing this sinful activity. Such barriers to complete democracy do not exist in an Islamic state.”
Burglars’ Rights Defended in UK
The ability of burglars to ply their trade in the United Kingdom was given a boost in two recent incidents.
In one, police ordered residents in Surrey and Kent to remove wire mesh from windows because it “could injure burglars.” “Wire mesh is an unexpected and abnormal structure for a home window,” police spokesman Reginald Addleman pointed out. “Persons breaking into buildings could be seriously injured. Treating such avoidable injuries would stress the already tight budgets of the National Health Service. Property owners have no right to impose these costs onto the rest of the nation.”
In another, police chastised homeowner Gary Holmes for shooting a burglar with an air rifle. The chastisement was issued upon a complaint by the burglar. “The burglar was armed with only a crowbar,” Addleman explained. “Using a firearm against him was disproportionate. Even though it was an air rifle, there was no way the burglar could’ve known this. Frightening another person this way and during a mere dispute over the possession of material goods is against our laws.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News