Gaza Government Urges Boycott of Holocaust Lessons

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Hamas dominated government of Gaza urged school children to cut classes if the subject of the Holocaust is brought up in human rights lessons. The lessons are part of a United Nations’ program aimed at increasing literacy among the 200,000 children enrolled in the UN-run schools in Gaza refugee camps.

Gaza Education Minister Mahammad Ashquol complained that “the UN is overstepping its boundaries by exposing our children to this Zionist filth. It is bad enough that the much needed extermination of the Jewish pestilence was short-circuited before its completion, but its portrayal as a crime against humanity is a lie.”

Ashquol further contended that “the implication that killing Jews offends human rights distorts the truth. The Quran makes it quite clear that Jews are not humans. They are monkeys and pigs. Allowing them to freely move among us, plundering our wealth and subverting morality is the real crime. Our children must not be made to listen to propaganda that may undermine their will to subdue and slay the Jewish occupiers of our land.”

In related news, a Hamas general denounced a new peace proposal from the Israeli government as “grossly inadequate.” “There is no provision for Jews to be removed from the region,” Hamas’ military commander, Ahmed Jabari complained. “Without a plan for at least a phased Jewish withdrawal from Palestine there can be no peace, not even temporarily. We may be left with no alternative but to kill every last one of them.”

In partial agreement, US President Obama called the Israeli proposal “not a serious step toward a solution of the region’s problem. It seems to me that just paying the jizya might be a more cost-effective way of attaining peace than maintaining and equipping the Israeli Army.”

Islamic Shooting Not Terrorism Says White House Spokesman

Arid Uka’s shooting spree that killed two US Air Force members in Germany won’t be classified as an act of terror said Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. This comes despite Uka’s declaration on his Facebook page that he is “a holy warrior against unbelievers” and wants to “strike fear into the hearts of the enemies of Islam.”

“The President isn’t terrified,” Carney announced. “I’m not terrified. Are you terrified? If nobody’s terrified how can it be an act of terrorism?”

By refusing to classify the attack as an act of terror, the Administration keeps intact its unblemished record of “zero” terrorist attacks since it took office in January of 2009—a record Carney contrasted with that of the previous administration “which saw the worst terrorist attack ever made on this nation. I’ll admit that on 9-11 I was terrified. I think the whole nation was. Until that day’s toll is topped the President feels that there is no cause for alarm.”

Prez Says “Tea Party” Movement Racist

In a new book—Family of Freedom: Presidents and African Americans in the White House, by Newsweek reporter Kenneth Walsh—President Barack Obama is said to have characterized the so-called Tea Party movement as “racist.”

At a White House dinner party for political supporters the President pointed out that “the preceding 43 white presidents never had to face the kind of opposition I’ve had to face with these tea baggers. I find it very telling that such a movement only came to life after the first Black man took control of the government.”

“I mean, there have been some inept white men running the show,” the President continued. “I wouldn’t expect these right-wingers to go after guys like Reagan or Bush. But what about Jimmy Carter? Stagflation, gas lines, hostages—they were all on his watch. But he got a pass because he’s white. I think if we look closely at the facts the only coherent explanation we can come up with is racism.”

In related news, US Attorney General Eric Holder in testimony before a House Committee defended his decision to drop voter intimidation charges against two Black Panthers who accosted voters at a Philadelphia polling place in the 2008 election. “There’s still a long way to go before the scales of justice are balanced for my people,” Holder argued. “Call me when whites are getting hanged by Black lynch mobs. That’s serious intimidation. But two guys with clubs outside a voting booth—give me a break, that’s nothing.”

Illinois AG Wants to Publish Firearm Ownership List

The People’s Republic of Illinois’ Attorney General Lisa Madigan wants to publish a list of the names and addresses of all the state’s registered firearms owners. “People have a right to know whether their neighbors have weapons in their homes,” Madigan asserted. “If people are embarrassed for others to know they have guns, they can get off the list by disposing of those guns.”

The Attorney General was undaunted by critics who characterized the publication of such a list as dangerous because criminals could see which homes were not on the list and, thus, “safe to burgle.” “If there are fewer break-ins to homes where firearms are present there’ll be fewer shootings,” Madigan reasoned. “If burglars know which homes are firearm-free they won’t need to bring guns to defend themselves. Property transfers could be accomplished with less threat of bloodshed. This is a big plus in my mind.”

Madigan also portrayed the move as “an assist to the police in the case of civil unrest. If the list of gun owners is well-known the weapons can be more expeditiously confiscated. If people know which of their neighbors have guns they can help point them out to authorities if a weapons round-up is desired. There are many anti-government nuts who wouldn’t hesitate to use their weapons against what they imagine to be government tyranny. An orderly disarming of these people will save many lives. This is another big plus.”

No One Can Make Me Issue Drilling Permits, Says Interior Secretary

Despite two court findings that his Department’s refusal to issue offshore drilling permits violates the law, Interior Secretary Ken Salazar remains defiant. “If anyone wants to drill they need a permit from me,” Salazar said. “If I don’t want to issue a permit, no one can make me.”

The Secretary brushed aside the court rulings as “impotent posturing.” “I see that the court says I’m in the wrong,” Salazar observed. “So what? What are they going to do, send someone to arrest me? Oh wait, the ‘arresting officers’ report to the Chief Executive, not the court. Sorry, I guess the court’s out of luck.”

Salazar dared “those who don’t like my policies can elect a different President next time around. In the meantime, what I say goes. I will not be pressured to take any actions I don’t want to take.”

Senators’ Bid to Force Governor to Accept High-Speed Rail Money Fails

The effort of State Senator Thad Altman (R) and Arthenia Joyner (D) to have the court compel Governor Rick Scott (R) to accept $2.4 billion in federal money for the construction of high-speed rail in the state was unanimously rejected when the Florida Supreme Court ruled that “by both federal and state law, the Governor is authorized to make this decision.”

Senator Altman called the decision “devastating for the State of Florida. Perhaps the Governor is within his legal rights to reject this money, but the consequences will be felt by every person in the state. Even if the Governor is right about future operating losses, we shouldn’t pass up the money that can be made just by building it.”

The Governor rejection of the federal aid cited the state’s fiscal difficulties as his rationale. “The $2.4 billion is only a minor part of the estimated $11 billion total construction cost,” Scott recounted. “On top of that there would be annual operating deficits of $100 million or more. This financial albatross around the state’s neck is not what we need during these difficult economic times.”

Senator Joyner disagreed with the Governor’s take. “Constructing this rail line would mean jobs for Floridians right now, when we most need them,” Joyner alleged. “The state could’ve borrowed its share of the matching funds required. How to pay back this money along with covering the operating losses is a decision that could’ve been deferred to a future and, hopefully, more prosperous time.”

Dems Unhappy with GOP Unwillingness to Compromise on Budget

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) chastised GOP colleagues as “intransigent” in their refusal to accept the Democrat’s “50% cut” proposal.

“Look, we have stated repeatedly that we are willing to scale back spending increases by 50%–to meet our opponents halfway, so to speak, but we can’t get any agreement,” Pelosi complained.

Reid mocked House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) for “letting himself be bossed around by a caucus dominated by freshman representatives. Boehner’s been around long enough to know the score. There’s no realistic way we can actually reduce spending. Getting an agreement on slowing the rate of growth in spending is the best he can hope for. The President’s offer to settle for half of the increase in spending that he’d like is as generous as he can be. Boehner needs to get real and stop kowtowing to those newly elected Republicans who don’t understand how Washington works.”

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