President Says Tornadoes May Be a ‘Blessing in Disguise’

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

While commiserating with those who lost loved ones in the recent tornadoes that ravaged much ofAlabama, President Obama urged that “we not overlook the positives of this tragic event. Every structure that was damaged needs repairs—that means jobs. Every piece of personal property that was destroyed will need replacing—that means jobs. Every injury that needs tending, every body that needs burying—means jobs. So, in a way, these storms may be a blessing in disguise for the region’s economy.”

“On top of this, there will be ripple effects that will be felt throughout the nation as the spending on repairs and purchases of materials and supplies trickles into the stream of commerce,” the President added and likened the event to “the economic stimulus of World War that brought America out of the Great Depression.”

Austan Goolsbee, the chairman of the President’s Council of Economic Advisers seconded Obama’s remarks and blamed the anemic 1.8% economic growth for the most recent quarter on “insufficient government spending. It is essential that individuals’ and businesses’ caution in the face of economic uncertainty be offset by government’s boldness. Concerns about cost and return-on-investment that intimidate the private sector can be brushed aside by government. If disaster and destruction are what it takes to get Congress to loosen the purse strings then, indeed, these tornadoes are a gift from heaven.”

Birth Certificate “the Last Document” the President Will Be Sharing with the Public

Senior White House adviser Valerie Jarrett said that President Obama’s recently unveiled birth certificate “is the last document he will be sharing with the public. It’s bad enough that the ruler of the free world has been mercilessly harassed and humiliated into revealing the most private details of his birth. Demands that he open up other records relating to his academic career will not be honored.”

Claiming victory from his efforts to induce President Obama to disclose his birth certificate, real estate tycoon and potential GOP presidential candidate, Donald Trump has turned his attention to Obama’s college records. “I’ve heard that he was a bad student,” Trump contended. “How does a bad student get into Ivy League schools likeColumbiaand Harvard? Who sponsored him?”

Jarret called Trump’s accusations “nonsense. It is widely acknowledged that Barack Obama is the most brilliant person to have served as aUSPresident. What other world leader has received a Nobel Prize so quickly upon taking office? This alone evidences the esteem in which his intelligence is held around the world. The notion that any college transcripts could plausibly contradict this lofty assessment is ludicrous.”

“Besides, voters don’t care about such ancient history,” Jarret insisted. “If they had wanted to see these college records they would’ve demanded them before they elected him President. That ‘window of opportunity’ is now closed. Voters should be evaluating him on his performance as President. Surely that’s got to be a more relevant consideration at this point in time.”

President Campaigns against a “Shrunken America”

President Obama highlighted what is likely to be one of the major themes of his bid for another term as the nation’s chief executive.

“Republicans are the Party for a ‘shrunkenAmerica,’” the President claimed. “They want to shrink the size of government. They demand that we shrink the amount government is investing in our future. They envision a shrunken federal labor force. They place fiscal restraint ahead of my program of hope and change.”

The President predicted that “voters will see through Republican contentions that there are limits to what can be achieved by an aggressive public sector. We have shown that with the backing of the Federal Reserve there need be no cap on what the government can spend to promote the general welfare. There is no need to hold back out of an irrational fear that there won’t be enough money. We can create as much as we need.”

Swelling the size of government won’t be an isolated goal. Obama also pledged that he will work to “bring down those parasites who are gorging themselves on the nation’s wealth. Too many people are taking more than they deserve from the common pool. Redistributing wealth from those who have more than they need to those who have less than they deserve is a key task for a second term. Government must be big enough and powerful enough to overcome all resistance to achieving this social justice.”

California GOP to Be Put to Test

Steadfast refusal to cooperate with the Democratic majority in their bid to cover the state’s deficit by raising taxes may cost Republican lawmakers their share of the take. California Senate President Pro Tem Darrell Steinberg (D-Sacramento) is working on a plan that would focus budget cuts on districts represented by legislators who oppose his Party’s tax hike scheme.

The plan to differentiate between districts is the brainchild of State Treasurer Bill Lockyer (D). “Look, if they’re not going to help us extract more money from taxpayers why should they get an equal share of what we do raise?” Lockyer argued. “It’s simple fairness to reward those who participate and penalize those who don’t.”

Senate GOP leader Bob Dutton conceded that “there’s a certain ‘thieves logic’ to the Democrats’ position. Gang members who don’t aid in the heist don’t get a cut of the loot.” Dutton hastened to add that “we’re not entirely against raising taxes. If some spending restraint is thrown into the deal we could go along.”

Dutton admitted he was unsure how fellow Republicans would respond to the threat of facing bigger cuts in their districts. “It’s blatantly political, but the Democrats have the votes to carry it out,” Dutton observed. “Voters complain about taxes, but they also like being on the government’s teat. Riding the train over the cliff into bankruptcy may be the only politically viable option we have.”

Administration Defends Executive Order Implementing Failed Legislation

The White House defended using the President’s authority to issue an Executive Order implementing the so called DISCLOSE Act. The Order would require companies doing business with the federal government to report on any political contributions to independent groups. Congress rejected the DISCLOSE Act last year.

Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney asserted that “it’s essential that the President know who his enemies are so he can ensure that they are not rewarded with government contracts. He cannot allow his hands to be tied by Congress. Congress harbors many who oppose the President’s agenda and who wish him ill. To let them determine whether his enemies shall be enriched via government work would be political suicide.”

The President’s Executive Order will exempt public employee unions and federal grant recipients because “these groups typically donate to Democrats,” Carney said. “There’s no need to bog down your friends with extra paperwork that saps energy that could go into helping you politically.”

“The possibility that such a reporting requirement could be used to favor government contractors who take a particular stance on a political issue was the reason why Congress refused to pass this legislation,” argued Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky). “It’s revival as an Executive Order is an outrageous abuse of Presidential authority.”  

Kansas Voter ID Law Decried

In an effort to ensure the integrity of elections in the state,Kansasrecently enacted legislation requiring registered voters to show a photo ID at the polls. The law also requires those seeking to register to vote to prove citizenship by providing a birth certificate or another official document that can establish citizenship.

The American Civil Liberties Union denounced the law calling it “a giant leap backward.” “This law will narrow the franchise and reduce voter turnout,” complained ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. “What masquerades as an even-handed across-the-board requirement has a disproportionate impact on historically marginalized groups. As we have seen from the difficulties encountered by the President himself in securing a copy of his birth certificate, many people will have trouble obtaining a copy of theirs. What if they can’t afford the fee? What if they were born in a place that doesn’t issue birth certificates?”

Petty also declared the requirement for a photo ID “an invasion of privacy. Voters are entitled to a secret ballot. Requiring a photo ID interferes with this right. What if a person doesn’t have a photo ID? What if a person doesn’t wish to be identified? Should this person lose the right to vote because of this?”

“This law will limit voting to those who can easily prove who they are and who don’t mind doing so,” Petty observed. “It’s racist and anti-democratic.”

Arizona Governor Vetoes Health Care Freedom Bill

Governor Jan Brewer vetoed legislation that would have opened Arizonato interstate competition in the provision of health insurance. “This legislation would have exposed Arizonans to a plethora of choices that most are unqualified to assess,” Brewer argued. “Decisions about what coverage to buy and what price to pay would have been left to ill-prepared individuals. Rather than a ‘knee-jerk’ response in favor of ‘freedom’ I determined that it is best that such decisions be handled by experts in the Department of Insurance.”

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