By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
President Obama issued a dire prediction of global economic catastrophe should Congress fail to raise the federal government’s debt ceiling.
“This is no time for fooling around or playing politics on this critical issue,” Obama declared. “USGovernment spending is the driving force of global prosperity. Without it businesses and individuals would be forced to make their own decisions on what to produce, how to produce it, and where to sell it. We need government to ensure that resources are used wisely and distributed equitably to avert the chaos of unfettered capitalism.”
A few examples of capitalistic chaos were cited by the President. “Left to its own devices, the free market is profiteering on the production of ‘gas-guzzling’ cars, big-screen TVs, and fat-laden diets,” Obama complained. “This is not my vision for how we win the future. We need ‘green’ vehicles like the Volt, or better yet, high-speed passenger rail to effect the kind of transformation I have promised to the American people. And we’ve got to get more control over what people put in their mouths. Government needs to have the funds it requires to carry out the mission I’ve laid out for it.”
The President explained that “Because Congress refuses to increase taxes more borrowing is the only way we can keep the spending flowing,” the President continued. “Ideally, we ought to eliminate the idea of placing a ceiling on government borrowing. But at a minimum Congress must provide the leeway needed by raising the ceiling high enough to accommodate the extra trillions we will need to spend during my time in office.”
The President’s current position on the debt ceiling is a reversal of the stand he took in 2006 when, as a Senator, he voted against increasing it because “raising the amount that the government is allowed to borrow rewards the undisciplined profligacy of a runaway deficit.” Obama reconciled his changed stance by saying that “Bush’s deficit was caused by wasting the country’s resources on tax cuts. Mine is the result of desperately needed investments inAmerica’s future.”
Not everyone in government sees the situation as dire. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke agreed that “while it would be easier to inflate the money supply by continuing to buy Government debt, that isn’t our only option. Should reaching the debt ceiling prohibit the Treasury from issuing more bonds we could still create new money and just deposit it into their accounts so they could continue to fund all existing programs. Of course, this would make the Fed’s debasement of the currency more obvious, but it’s still doable.”
In related news, US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner warned key Democrats that lack of an expeditious increase in the debt ceiling would put ‘friendly’ Wall Street investment banks at risk. “These banks rely on the arbitrage profits from buying and selling US Government debt to sustain their institutions and reward their top bond traders with incentive bonuses,” Geithner pointed out. “The turmoil caused by a delay in raising the ceiling, or worse, a failure to raise the ceiling at all, would hit these pillars of our economy hard. Their ability to make donations to the President’s reelection campaign would be negatively impacted.”
President Warns against GOP Budget
President Obama stridently attacked the Republican budget passed by the House of Representatives as “anti-American” and warned “it will turn this country into a ‘Third-World’ nation.”
“In the ‘Third-World’ countries there are no comprehensive social safety nets,” the President contended. “People must work long and hard to make a living. I’m proud to say that my vision forAmericagoes in the opposite direction. People shouldn’t be forced to take demeaning jobs. We are a rich enough country to be able to free our citizens from this type of wage bondage.”
In support of his case, Obama cited statistics indicating that currently only 45% of American adults have jobs. “What other society could afford to have a majority of its population living lives of leisure?” the President asked. “My initiatives have put this country on the right path. Now’s not the time to turn back.”
“If the Republicans have their way, though, we’d lose the gains we’ve made since the Roosevelt Administration,” Obama maintained. “Americans wouldn’t be able to count on the government relieving them of the tiresome burdens of life. Drudgery would become the universal bane of the working class. Voters will have the opportunity to prevent this by returning a solidly Democratic government in the 2012 election.”
Both the GOP and President Obama’s budgets project deficits and annual increases in spending, albeit at different rates: 2.8% per year for the GOP budget and 4.7% per year for the President’s budget.
Gaps in White House Visitor Log Explained
Despite pledges that his Administration would be “the most transparent in history,” logs of who comes and goes to confer with the President and his staff at the White House have glaring omissions.
Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney attributed the incomplete record to “efforts to serve conflicting objectives. On the one hand, we want to be as open as possible. On the other, we want to respect an individual’s right to privacy. So, we tried to compromise by allowing those who preferred that their visits not be acknowledged to opt out of having their names recorded.”
Concerns that the selective reporting of who visits with the President could undermine trust in the Administration was taken in stride by Carney. “It basically boils down to whether you have faith in the honesty of the President,” Carney said. “If you do, you accept that some things must remain private. If you don’t, you’re going to be demanding documentary proof of everything just like the ‘birthers’ are about where the President was born. Is having to produce papers to verify stuff the kind of country we want to live in? I think not. I believe the American people trust the President to tell them what they need to know for the good of the country.”
Higher Gas Prices Save Lives
Revelation that highway fatalities decrease by 2.3% for every 10 cent per gallon increase in the price of fuel has US Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood fired up.
“For all the carping I have to listen to over high gas prices I’m happy to be able to point to a silver lining,” boasted a bubbly LaHood. “Driving their own cars is the most dangerous thing most people do. The more we can discourage this, the more lives we can save. Based on this latest study it looks like if we can get the price of gasoline up to around $9 a gallon we could virtually eliminate traffic fatalities.”
“I’m thinking that at $9 a gallon there’d be a lot less driving,” the Secretary ventured. “Cars and trucks would be so scarce on the roads that their chances of colliding with each other would be nil. There’d also be fewer motor vehicles for trains to hit on the grade crossings. Air pollution would be way down. That’d save lives too.”
LaHood professed himself “a strong supporter of the President’s ban on offshore drilling, carbon taxes, and the ‘cap-and-trade’ emissions bill—anything that will help get prices up to where they need to be to change people’s decisions. A person driving himself wherever he wants whenever he want is both inefficient and unsafe. The sooner we can do away with such anti-social behavior the better off this country will be.”
Former Speaker Torn over Importance of Elections
Former Speaker of the House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) admitted to mixed feelings over the role elections will play in the future of America.
“I know that as a Democrat I’m expected to support democracy,” Pelosi said. “But is democracy an end in itself or merely a means to an end? I mean, it was important that we elected President Obama to rule this country. Now that he is President, though, what further gains could there be from the electoral process? Might not future elections even serve to undermine the changes he’s already implemented?”
Pelosi proclaimed herself extremely distressed over what she termed “the dangerous influence of the Tea Party on our governing processes. These people are outsiders who don’t really share the values of those of us who’ve been engaged in the task of governing this country for so many years. If those of us in the permanent majority—both Republicans and Democrats—can’t stand together against this intrusion Congress may lose its purpose.”
Al-Qaeda Calls for Arab Invasion to Topple Libyan Dictator
Osama bin-Laden underling, Ayman al-Zawahiri, urged the leaders of other Muslim states to send troops toLibyain order “to finish the job of ousting the satanic Gaddafi from his position atop the country.”
“Brother Obama has made a good start by hitting Gaddafi’s troops with air strikes,” Zawahiri said. “But he cannot be expected to do it all by himself. The sinister forces of Zionism still carry too much weight in the American government. Muslim armies must heed Allah’s call if we are to complete the encirclement ofIsrael.”
Councilman Argues for Hiring More Ex-Cons
Pittsburgh City Councilman Ricky Burgess introduced legislation that would make it easier for persons with a criminal record to be hired by the city. “Most of those with a criminal record are Democrats,” Burgess observed. “Should we really be penalizing our own constituency by excluding them from working for the city?”
A Satirical Look at Recent News