Government Edges Closer to Total Control of Internet with Anti-Piracy Censorship Bill

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

With Senate passage of the Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act (PROTECT IP), the US government has moved a step closer to total control over the Internet. Under the Act, the government will be authorized to seize domains, block websites and censor search engines.

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) emphasized that “the bill is merely an extension of existing authority. It is not new censorship.” The extension was deemed necessary because “rogue websites can escape government control by locating outside the United States. This new law will counter this by allowing the government to block access to offshore websites.”

The bill is opposed by Senator Ron Wyden (D-Ore) on the grounds that it imperils freedom of speech. “It is one thing to protect against copyright infringement through normal legal processes,” Wyden said. “Those who feel their intellectual property rights have been abused can sue for damages. This bill would allow for the seizure of people’s assets and livelihoods before a proper adjudication of the facts. It’s an invitation to tyranny.”

Death of Jose Guereña Blamed on “Right Wing Talk Radio”

Earlier this month a SWAT team burst into the home of Jose Guereña. Awaken by his wife’s screams that armed men were breaking into the house, Guereña grabbed his rifle to defend his family. The SWAT team shot him 60 times. As Guereña lay bleeding, they blocked paramedics from tending to his wounds. An hour later he died.

Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik blamed the “baleful influence of right wing talk radio” for the death. “If it weren’t for the repeated assertions by talk show hosts like Rush Limbaugh that people have a Constitutional right to keep and bear arms this tragedy would never have occurred,” Dupnik argued. “When people other than law enforcement agents are armed these kinds of mishaps are inevitable.”

Though Guereña never fired his weapon, in fact the safety was still on when he was shot by multiple sheriff’s deputies, Dupnik insisted that the killing was warranted. “Guereña lived in a bad neighborhood,” Dupnik claimed. “That alone creates a presumption of guilt. A guy with a gun in a bad neighborhood is a threat. My men had every right to take him down.”

The fact that Guereña was a Marine who had served two tours in Iraq was used to bolster Dupnik’s case. “Look, a Marine with a weapon represented a severe danger to my men,” Dupnik said. “If they hadn’t fired first he probably would’ve killed them all. It was only quick thinking that saved the day.”

As for blocking the paramedics, Dupnik maintained that the hour’s “delay was necessitated by the need for a search of the premises to ensure that there were no other gunmen, guns, or drugs to be dealt with. If that means a suspect has to bleed while we do it, so be it.”

No other gunmen, guns, or contraband of any sort were found in the home. Guereña’s wife and two children were in the house during the raid. Fortunately, the SWAT team refrained from shooting them.

UK National Health Service Dangerous for Elderly

Denial of treatment for those deemed “too old to invest in” isn’t the only hazard faced by those entrusted to the United Kingdom’s National Health Service (NHS). Dehydration and starvation also take a toll. A recent study by the Care Quality Commission (CQC) indicated that dehydration contributes to 800 deaths and malnutrition to 300 deaths per year among those housed in NHS hospitals.
Spokesperson for the Hospital Workers Union, Mildred Ratched, placed the blame primarily on the doctors. “Our people are just following orders,” Ratched said. “If the doctors wanted these patients to have food and water they should have prescribed it.”

A secondary factor cited by Ms. Ratched was the patients themselves. “Even when we do bring food a lot of them don’t eat it,” she said. “How is that our fault?”

CQC criticized the NHS procedure of simply dumping off food while a patient was asleep and taking away the untouched meal a short while later while the patient was still asleep. Ratched defended the procedure as “part of our negotiated work rules. There has to be a schedule. If we have to accommodate different dining times for different patients we should get extra pay.”

Despite the problems with the NHS standards of care, US Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius insisted that “on balance, the NHS is a good system that provides a lot of useful guidance for us.”

Memphis May Turn to Speed Cameras for More Revenue

Memphis City Council Chairman Myron Lowery is proposing to bridge the city’s budget deficit by boosting yields from traffic fines on speeding. The plan is to add radar guns to existing red-light automated enforcement zones and capture photos of drivers exceeding the posted speed limits.

“Look, the overwhelming majority of drivers are speeders,” Lowery observed. “That’s a pretty big potential source of revenue that we could get our hands on.”

The National Motorists Association contends that “the majority of drivers speed because the posted limits are set below what they should be. They generate millions of pointless traffic tickets and billions of dollars of undeserved insurance surcharges, disrupt traffic flow, and increase congestion.”

“The traffic tickets are hardly pointless from the City’s perspective,” Lowery countered. “The revenue from citations is crucial if we want to maintain spending levels. If the majority of drivers think the limits are too low they can vote for higher limits by electing someone else to the Council.”

Governor Vetoes Voter ID Bill

Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton (D) vetoed legislation that would’ve required voters to show a photo ID in order to be given a ballot, saying that the GOP-backed bill would discourage voter turnout.
“It is important that our democracy have as wide a participation as possible,” Dayton said. “Requiring a photo ID would disenfranchise those lacking the specified documentation. Are people who are camera-shy or have warrants out for their arrest to be excluded from participation? How is that fair?”

To help illustrate the potential negative impact of the proposed law Dayton contended that “if this rule had been in place last year Al Franken wouldn’t now be a senator.”

Block of Pay Hike Called “Extortion”

Senator David Vitter (R-La) was assailed by Democrats for blocking a proposed $20,000 pay raise for Interior Secretary Ken Salazar.

“A lot of Americans are unemployed, people are losing their homes, and the federal government has a humungous deficit,” Vitter observed. “For a government bureaucrat to get a pay hike at a time like this would need to be preceded by an exemplary job performance. In Secretary Salazar’s case I just don’t see that. The weak economy has been pummeled by rising gas prices, yet Mr. Salazar hasn’t issued new oil drilling permits.”

Salazar characterized Vitter’s stance as “extortion.” “In what other instance has a government employee’s performance been a factor in determining eligibility for a raise?” Salazar asked. “Holding me to a higher standard is discriminatory and racist. My human rights are being violated.”

Dems Say No Budget Necessary

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) rejected the idea that the federal government should have a budget. “Budgets set limits and create expectations,” Reid pointed out. “They can only serve to hamstring policy and expose the Party to political disadvantage. We’d be fools to fall into that trap.”

Senate Budget Committee Chairman Kent Conrad (D-N. Dak) concurred in Reid’s assessment. “The only reason Republicans are clamoring for a budget is so they can cut spending,” Conrad maintained. “We got along without a budget last year. With no budget we can carry on with the spending levels already in place and adjust them upward for inflation with continuing resolutions—leaving our opponents the uncomfortable dilemma of choosing between higher deficits and higher taxes. It’s a win-win situation for the Democratic Party.”

Over in the House of Representatives, Assistant Democratic Leader Jim Clyburn (S.C.) insisted that Republican demands that the Democrats produce a budget is “racism.” “They didn’t badger President Bush with demands for a budget,” Clyburn remembered. “They pretty much did whatever the white man wanted. Why can’t they do the same for a Black President Obama? There’s only one reason: racism.”

Government Investment in Electric Cars to Be Tested

A pilot program to test the efficiency of electric cars in five American cities is underway. The initial investment will cost $4.5 million and is projected to save $116,000 per year if successful. In order to recover the initial investment each electric car will need to be driven 600,000 miles. According to Consumer Reports, the average life expectancy of a new car is 150,000 miles.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens’ Archives

More Semmens Archives

Wrangling over the War Powers Act

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Republican demands that President Obama comply with the War Powers Act will be ignored, says Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich), Chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee.

“President Obama is already in violation of the War Powers Act,” Senator Rand Paul (R-Ken) argued. “The civil war in Libya did not meet the Act’s criteria for allowing the President to take military action. It was not a national emergency nor did the President seek and obtain Congressional authorization as former President Bush did before deploying troops to Afghanistan and Iraq.”

“Even if it were determined that the Libyan situation did constitute a national emergency, the War Powers Act gives the President a limited 60 day window within which he must obtain Congressional approval to continue to use military force,” Paul added.

Senator Levin sees things differently. “The War Powers Act was passed in 1973 by a Democratic Congress to protect the country from being dragged into an unnecessary war by a Republican President,” Levin asserted. “Its attempted use by Republicans to try to tie the hands of President Obama is politics at its worst.”

Arizona’s Senator John McCain (R) expressed an even more expansive version of Presidential power. “In my view, the War Powers Act is unconstitutional,” McCain said. “Any President, Republican or Democrat, should be able to deploy armed forces whenever and wherever he deems necessary.”

Friday, May 20 marked the 60th day since US forces began hostilities in Libya.

President’s New Middle East Policy Sparks Debate

Bristling at suggestions that his newly announced initiative on the Middle East is a “morally cretinous strategic disaster,” President Obama defended his demand that Israel withdraw to the borders that prevailed prior to the 1967 “Six Day War” when three neighboring Muslim countries—Egypt, Syria, and Jordan—expelled UN troops from buffer zones around Israel and massed troops for an attack aimed at annihilating the Jewish state.

“Israel should not be rewarded for successfully fending off its enemies by being allowed to continue to occupy lands that rightfully belong to Palestine,” Obama contended. “This will only further antagonize those who hate them and delay the final solution to the region’s problem.”

Calling the Jews a “tiny minority in the grand scheme of things,” President Obama declared “their insistence on a disproportionate role in world affairs compared to the vastly more numerous Muslims only causes trouble. The principle of the greater good for the greater number urges that we take the side of the more numerous and sacrifice the interests of the few for the benefits of the many.”

Obama dismissed contentions that withdrawal to pre-1967 borders would make Israel indefensible as “irrelevant.” “The forces of democracy are on the march in the Middle East,” Obama said. “The minority has no inalienable right to resist the will of the majority. Fortunately, the Jews have a long history of surviving as a minority in many countries around the world. All I’m asking is that we make use of this history to help guide us toward a lasting peace in the region.”

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas hailed Obama’s new policy as “an important first step toward the eventual elimination of foreign influence over Palestinian lands. Ultimately, the people of Palestine must be free to come and go wherever they wish within the region and to select the government of their choosing without interference from alien occupiers.”

Hamas spokesman Ismail Radwan condemned Obama’s new policy as “biased in favor of Israel.” “The occupation that began in 1949 goes on,” Radwan complained. “The Jewish pestilence continues when extermination is what is needed.” Radwan did concede, though, that “a withdrawal to the pre-1967 borders would allow us to move up to more advantageous firing positions for the final push to drive out the Jews.”

The National Jewish Democratic Council (NJDC) praised Obama’s new policy as “incredibly pragmatic.” “Muslims outnumber Jews by more than 100 to one worldwide,” NJDC Chairman Marc Stanley observed. “By aligning the United States with the stronger side, President Obama has made this country more secure from terrorist attacks. For this he deserves our thanks and support.”

Legislation May Restrict Investors’ Access to 401(k)s

Concerned that “short term desires to put food on the table may interfere with the Government’s ability to adequately control the nation’s resources,” legislation that would limit people access to their 401(k) funds has been introduced in Congress.

A Bill titled the Savings Enhancement by Alleviating Leakage in 401(k)s Act, otherwise known as the SEAL Act, was jointly introduced by Senators Herb Kohl (D-Wis) and Mike Enzi (R-Wyo). The
legislation aims to reduce the number of loans a person can take out using his 401(k) as security.

“There is a risk that too many people will put personal needs ahead of the national interest,” Kohl warned. “The Government allowed 401(k)s in order to encourage workers to put aside money for the future. The notion that this is solely for the benefit of the individual is erroneous. The Government needs to be able to get its hands on this money in case of an emergency. It won’t be able to do that if the funds are depleted by their owners.”

Despite high unemployment, the rate of premature withdrawals from 401(k)s in 2010 was only 7%, up from 5% in 2005. Kohl, however, did not find this small impact reassuring. “What will happen when unemployment benefits expire and we still have nine or ten percent of the workforce without jobs?” Kohl asked. “Rather than see their families starve or get kicked out of their homes a lot more people will be tempted to tap into these savings. This is what the legislation is trying to prevent.”

USDA Shakes Down Missouri Family

What started out as a hobby for their son and turned into a family side-business grossing $4600 (with a net profit of $200 after expenses) last year has landed John Dollarhite of Missouri in a heap of trouble. For the “crime” of selling more than $500 worth of rabbits in a single year, Dollarhite has been hit with a $90,643 fine and been warned that the penalty could go as high as $3.9 million.
US Department of Agriculture spokesman Robert Crook explained that “if you sell more than $500 worth of rabbits in any given year you have to have a license from our Department. Dollarhite didn’t have a license. So we assessed a preliminary fine of $146 for each rabbit he sold last year.”

Crook added that “Dollarhite would be well-advised to pay what we are asking. We are authorized to impose a fine of up to $10,000 per rabbit. And we could include penalties for earlier years if we so choose.”

It doesn’t matter that Dollarhite was unaware that he supposedly needed a federal license nor that the punishment is way out of proportion to the alleged offense. “Ignorance of the law is no excuse,” Crook reminded. “Besides, we’re being merciful here. The guy can take out a loan or sell his house to raise the $90,000. We could’ve crushed him with a multi-million dollar penalty if we’d wanted to.”

CDC Urges Americans to Prepare for Possible Zombie Infestation

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC) is advising Americans to assemble emergency kits in preparation for a potential outbreak of zombies.

CDC spokesman Ali Khan said that “votes cast by the deceased are a clear indication that zombies may walk among us. With a hotly contested presidential election coming up in November of 2012 we should expect an unusually high manifestation of this phenomenon. It is best that people be prepared with emergency supplies and weapons in case these zombies do more than just vote at that time.”
Khan warned that “people should be cautious, but not too quick on the trigger because it is often difficult to distinguish between a zombie and a Democrat. If in doubt the safest course is to simply run away.”

Obamacare Waivers Favor Dems

The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) has thus far approved 1,372 waivers from the health care legislation passed by Congress last year. A disproportionately large percentage of these waivers have gone to Democrat constituencies. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s Northern California district, for example, received nearly 20% of the most recent batch of 204 waivers issued by HHS.

“The people of my district are caring and responsible,” Pelosi maintained. “They don’t need to be forced to do the right thing. Complying with the law’s mandates will add to their costs of doing business, possibly putting some of them out of business. As their elected representative it is my duty to help them avoid such unreasonable burdens. So I fully support Secretary Sebelius’ action in granting these waivers.”

Equally supportive was Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) whose state also received a waiver. “I wouldn’t have pushed the legislation if it didn’t have the flexibility to make exceptions for worthy causes,” Reid said. “Serving the interests of the people of my state is why I’m in Congress.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News 

John Semmens’ Archives

More Semmens Archives

Court Rules Police May Enter Any Home Anytime

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In a stunning reversal of nearly 800 years of common law, the Indiana Supreme Court ruled 3-2 that homeowners have no right to refuse entry to police at any time for any reason.

Writing for the majority, Justice Steven David asserted that “if a police officer wants to enter a home for any reason, or for no reason, the homeowner is not entitled to refuse, resist, or in any manner impede that entry. A right to resist an unlawful police entry into a home is against public policy and is incompatible with modern Fourth Amendment jurisprudence. The proper course for a homeowner who feels that an officer has acted illegally is to file a civil suit after the alleged improper entry has taken place.”

Justice David argued that “the archaic notion that a person’s home is his castle is an invitation to escalation. A situation in which police have executed a ‘no knock’ break-in into a home is already fraught with danger. If inhabitants think they have a right to resist, police may be compelled to deploy deadly force against what may turn out to be innocent parties. A uniform policy of obedience toward the police at all times would avoid this.”

The Court was unmoved by evidence that in some home invasion robberies criminals pretend to be the police to help gain entry. “In such rare instances the victims could subsequently call the real police for assistance,” David wrote. “On balance, though, it is clear that in most instances cooperation with whoever is breaking into your home—whether it be criminals or the police—seems likely to be the safest option.”

In related news, former President Bill Clinton said “we need a national or international authority to police all the lies and misinformation that’s out there on the Internet. Right now, anyone can  retty much say whatever they want. That’s just not right. Somehow we’ve got to get control over what is disseminated.”

Captured bin Laden Intelligence Disses Veep

In addition to blowing out terrorist Osama bin Laden’s brains, the US Navy Seal team also made off with a stash of information on al-Qaeda’s operations. This information included potential plans for assassinating various U.S. government officials. Notably absent from this list of targets was current Vce-President Joe Biden.

While lower level l-Qaeda operatives were eager to take out any and all potential “enemies,” bin Laden reportedly nixed Biden as a target. “This pompous ass does more to discredit the credibility of the United States government than we could ever achieve through our own propaganda,” bin Laden argued. “Killing him would only give the Americans the opportunity to replace him with someone more competent.”

U.S. Flag Banned

An attempt to erect a monument to U.S. soldiers killed in combat ran into a snag when the California Department of Transportation (CalTrans) forbade the display of the American flag at the site.

The site is located between a highway exit ramp and a park-and-ride lot in the town of Orcutt, California.

“Transportation facilities serve travelers from many nations,” CalTrans spokesman Alfred Dimson pointed out. “American troops have killed the soldiers of many of these countries. A flag celebrating only American troops is a non-neutral expression of support for a single side in events where others took an opposing side. Since it is likely impractical and possibly undesirable to display the flags of all nations whose troops have fallen in battle, it is best that no flags be allowed.”

In related news, 11-year-old Frankie Girard’s drawing of the American flag was barred from being posted in the Butterfield Elementary School in the town of Orange, Massachusetts out of fears that it “might offend other students.” The boy produced the picture in response to a prompt to “draw something that makes you feel proud.” Frankie was advised to “take the picture home and be proud of it there.”

Presidential Advisor Eyes Texas’ Electoral Votes

While most political observers see little chance for moving Texas’ electoral votes out of the GOP column in the 2012 balloting, a leading Obama advisor disagrees.

Obama senior adviser David Plouffe pointed out that “a 50% decline in arrests at the border has led to a surge of Hispanics who can be counted on to vote for the President.

Getting these people registered and out to the polls will be the key.” Plouffe added that “the president’s message of opposing crack downs on illegal immigration and photo IDs for voters has resonated well with the Hispanic community. If we can get these people motivated to actually vote I think we can take this state.”

Marc Campos, a Houston-based Democratic political consultant agreed, “If they spend a fraction of their billion dollar campaign fund we can make it happen. A million votes at a price of $15 to $25 apiece is attainable.”

Senator John McCain took Texas’ 34 electoral votes in the 2008 presidential election, defeating then Senator Barack Obama by a million votes in the state.

Dems Say “Tidal Wave of Support for Amnesty Will Drown GOP”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) predicted that “a surging tidal wave of support for amnesty will drown GOP hopes in 2012.”

“Polls consistently show the majority of Americans favor allowing those seeking a better life to come to America,” Reid contended. “It’s time that we capitalize on this to sweep aside the impediments that obstruct the process of immigration to this country.”

President Obama seconded Reid’s remarks emphasizing that “it’s the Republicans that are blocking much needed immigration reform, not me,” and asked Latinos to “be patient” with his failure to honor his 2008 campaign promise to end deportations. “You know I’m on your side,” Obama said. “But our enemies remain a formidable force. It will take a united effort from every progressive  thinker in America—alive or dead, legal or not—to sweep these reactionaries into the ‘dust bin’ of history.”

In related news, Representative Silvestre Reyes (D-Texas) lambasted GOP assertions that controlling the border should precede immigration reform. “Building a fence, hiring more guards is idiotic and wasteful,” Reyes argued. “We won’t need a fence or guards if we just let everyone who wants to come get in.” As for border violence, “the cartels wouldn’t have to be killing people if we had open  borders. No one is going to get involved with smugglers if they can just walk across the border whenever they want.”

Bin Laden’s Son to Sue over Wrongful Death

Omar bin Laden, one of the late terrorist leader’s offspring called the U.S. operation that led to the slaying of his father “criminal” and promised to file suit against the United States at the World  Court.

“My father was a lonely old man,” Omar said. “Relentlessly hounded, he was forced to live in seclusion. His only comforts were planning future attacks on the enemies of Islam and his extensive library of pornography, which he was in the midst of enjoying when American assassins burst in and shot him.”

It is Omar’s contention that “my father was denied due process. Granted, he did claim credit for attacks that killed thousands, but where’s the supporting forensic evidence? And what about a ‘justifiable homicide’ or an ‘insanity plea?’ Despite being unarmed he wasn’t given a chance to surrender peaceably. How is this justice?”

Omar said he will be asking the Court “to award damages of $600 billion to $700 billion per year for as long as the United States Government continues to make war on Islam. This way we can level the playing field and prevent mere financial advantage from determining the outcome in this battle of ideologies.”

The United Statescurrently spends about $600 billion to $700 billion per year on national defense. Though Omar has requested its assistance, there is no word yet in whether the ACLU will join his suit. Ironically, Iranmay come to America’s defense if such a lawsuit is launched. Iranian Intelligence Minister Heydar Moslehi claims to have proof that “bin Laden died some time ago of a disease. Even if US troops did invade Pakistan and shoot someone, there is no proof that it was bin Laden. No reliable authority has verified that it was. In fact, the body was hastily disposed of preventing such verification. The contention that American forces killed bin Laden must be seen as pure propaganda.”

Treasury Secretary Says Default May Be Preferred Option If Debt Ceiling Not Raised

U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner assailed Republican “attempts to hold spending hostage to the debt ceiling issue.”

“They’re saying that default isn’t automatic, that we can cut other spending to prevent default,” Geithner said. “We could, but this would force us to prioritize the revenues we have available in ways that we don’t want to. The President’s initiatives on high-speed rail and the ‘green economy,’ for example, may seem expendable to his enemies in Congress. However, the decision on whether to forego paying for such crucial programs or to stop making payments on old debt is at our discretion. We will exercise that discretion as the President sees fit.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News 

John Semmens’ Archives

More Semmens Archives

President Almost Single-Handedly Kills bin Laden

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Osama bin Laden, al-Qaeda mastermind of the 9-11 attack onAmerica, was slain at his hideout inPakistan last weekend by the incredibly brave and gutsyUS President Barack Obama’s timely action.

Admittedly, others may have played minor supporting roles. Interrogators working under former President George Bush may have extracted vital information from captured terrorists using now forbidden techniques. Military experts may have used this information to craft an assault plan. An elite team of Navy Seals may have successfully carried out the assault plan using stealth technology that enabled them to penetrate Pakistani territory without being detected. But none of this wouldn’t have been possible without the President’s key vote of “present” when it came time to give the go ahead.

“The President could’ve easily said ‘no,’” Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney pointed out. “That would’ve brought everything to a halt. Allowing others to proceed by voting ‘present’ was the critical component of the operation. For this the President is owed the eternal gratitude of everyone on the planet.”

The government ofPakistanchallenged theUStake on the operation asserting that “if it hadn’t been for our policy of coddling bin Laden within our country for so many years he wouldn’t have become so complacent and, thus, such an easy target for the Americans. They have us to thank for the lack of resistance on bin Laden’s part and the absence of casualties among the invading forces.”

In related news, former West German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt’s accusation that bin Laden’s killing was “an unlawful assassination” was brushed aside by US Attorney General Eric Holder as “nonsense. It was authorized by the President of theUnited States. The President of theUnited Statesis the ruler of the free world. Therefore, whatever he does is, by definition, legal.”

Nun Votes Thrown out in Wisconsin Election

Seeking to overturn a lost election for a Wisconsin Supreme Court position, lawyers for defeated candidate JoAnne Kloppenburg succeeded in getting 18 votes cast by nuns at theValleyofOur Lady Monasterydiscarded.

Kloppenburg attorney Charles Tan called it “a clear breach of the wall between church and state if we permit these votes to be counted. These aren’t voters who just happen to be Catholic. These are people who have no lives outside of the Church. They have dedicated themselves solely to a life of service to the Church. Effectively, then, these votes must be seen to represent the interests of the Church. They are inadmissible.”

As a result of throwing out these votes (14 were for Kloppenburg’s opponent David Prosser, 4 were for Kloppenburg), Kloppenburg is still over 7,000 votes short of winning the election.

Attorney General Defends Arming Mexican Drug Cartels

US Attorney General Eric Holder denied critics’ contention that his Department’s Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE) scheme of selling military ordinance to Mexican drug cartels was “a stupid idea.” Under the Department’s so-called “Gunwalker” program, surplus military weapons like M-16 and M-4 assault rifles, grenades, and AK-47s captured from foreigners were sold to the cartels by BATFE agents.

“These types of criminals are going to get weapons by hook or by crook,” Holder declared. “If they buy them from us two key objectives are attained. First, the Department earns revenue that can be used for other law enforcement activities. Second, we have extensive ballistic data on these weapons so that it will be easier to make a case against anyone who commits a murder with one of the guns we sold.”

To help solidify his argument, Holder pointed out that “this program has enabled us to identify that Border Patrol Agent Brian Terry was killed with one of the guns we sold. Now, if we ever apprehend the person who fired the rounds that killed him prosecuting that person will be a slam-dunk.”

US Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano rallied to Holder’s defense by reminding that “these weapons are also being used to kill a lot of Mexicans who might otherwise enter theUnited Statesillegally. So, his program can also be said to have reduced the volume of undocumented persons crossing the border.”

Holder insisted that the “Gunwalker” program “in no way contradicts the President’s goal of compiling a comprehensive gun registry for this country. These weapons are officially registered as belonging to the drug cartels. While we would prefer to have each weapon logged to a specific individual owner you have to admit that this is a step in the right direction.”

In related news, Holder vowed that “my office will not rest until the NCAA (National Collegiate Athletic Association) establishes an acceptable football playoff system for determining the national championship. Filling out brackets and watching the games unfold in the NCAA basketball tournament has been a great source of enjoyment for the President and other basketball fans. Football fans deserve the same right.”

Proof of bin Laden’s Demise Not Needed Says Prez

Declaring that “we must not make the mortal remains of a worthy adversary into some sort of ‘big game trophy,’” President Barack Obama declined to provide any material proof to verify that al-Qaeda terrorist leader Osama bin Laden was the person killed by US forces in a raid on his “safe-house” in Pakistan on May 1.

“The President of theUnited Stateshas assured the world that Osama bin Laden is the person we killed,” said Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. “To demand more than his word is an insult of enormous magnitude. Besides, it’s easy to doctor photos, falsify documents, and rig DNA tests. Why would any of these that the President might release be considered any better than his word?”

Carney labeled former President Bush’s displaying of the bodies of Saddam Hussein’s two sons “the kind of insensitivity you’d expect from the man,” but allowed that it “might have been necessary given the low level of trust the general public and the media had for him.”

House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md) said he concurred with the President’s decision to withhold what he dubbed “mere paper proofs.” “The President’s word is all that anyone needs in this or any other matter. What does it say about our country if we distrust our leader and demand he cater to doubters? Didn’t we already go through that circus with the birth certificate? I think it’s time the American people unite behind a great decision by a great man.”

Of course, not everyone agrees that the Seals got the right guy. Progressive Radio talk show host Mike Malloy thinks former President Bush would’ve been a more appropriate target. “By my count, Bush was responsible for more innocent victims than bin Laden was, if bin Laden was the one who authored the 9-11 attacks,” Malloy argued. “Why didn’t the Seals take him out?”

Napolitano Defends Molestation of Juveniles by TSA

US Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano dismissed outrage over TSA personnel’s aggressive “pat downs” of children at airport passenger boarding areas. Outrage was sparked by a “YouTube” video of 6-year-old Anna Drexel being essentially molested by the TSA agents.

“I make no apology,” Napolitano said. “The procedures were appropriate and within Department guidelines. Let’s not overlook the fact that secreting weapons or explosives in the body cavities of children is just the sort of diabolical tactic we should expect from those hoping to perpetrate man-caused disasters in this country. We all ought to be willing to sacrifice a little personal privacy and dignity if it means we can be safer.”

Fidel Castro Calls bin Laden Killing “Abhorrent, Tasteless, and Unimpressive”

Former Communist Dictator of Cuba Fidel Castro described reports of how al-Qaeda terrorist leader Osama bin Laden was killed by US Special Forces as “abhorrent, tasteless, and unimpressive.”

“This is not the way I would’ve done it,” Castro reminisced. “To all intents and purposes, the man was killed privately behind closed doors. The people were not part of the process. I would’ve had him shot in an arena in front of tens of thousands of cheering spectators. That’s the way to get popular buy-in to what you are doing.”

“Disposing of the body by throwing it into the sea was a waste,” Castro added. “Nailing the body to a wall in a prominent place and letting it rot is the way to send a very potent message to your enemies that you mean business. I fear that the world has gone soft over the last 50 years.”

Obama Films Campaign Commercial

President Obama wasted no time in turning the killing of long-wanted terrorist Osama bin Laden into political pay dirt when he visited the “ground zero” site where two planes destroyed theWorldTradeCenteron 9-11-01.

Media were barred from the President’s meeting with surviving family members of those killed on that day, but this doesn’t mean no cameras were present. The President’s campaign committee brought some along and got some great footage. The President refused to address questions from any of the survivors because, as the President said, “this is not about you. It’s about unifying the country around a common goal.” Those who had issues with the President were advised to “buy your own media time.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News  

John Semmens’ Archives

More Semmens Archives