By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Osama bin Laden, al-Qaeda mastermind of the 9-11 attack onAmerica, was slain at his hideout inPakistan last weekend by the incredibly brave and gutsyUS President Barack Obama’s timely action.
Admittedly, others may have played minor supporting roles. Interrogators working under former President George Bush may have extracted vital information from captured terrorists using now forbidden techniques. Military experts may have used this information to craft an assault plan. An elite team of Navy Seals may have successfully carried out the assault plan using stealth technology that enabled them to penetrate Pakistani territory without being detected. But none of this wouldn’t have been possible without the President’s key vote of “present” when it came time to give the go ahead.
“The President could’ve easily said ‘no,’” Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney pointed out. “That would’ve brought everything to a halt. Allowing others to proceed by voting ‘present’ was the critical component of the operation. For this the President is owed the eternal gratitude of everyone on the planet.”
The government ofPakistanchallenged theUStake on the operation asserting that “if it hadn’t been for our policy of coddling bin Laden within our country for so many years he wouldn’t have become so complacent and, thus, such an easy target for the Americans. They have us to thank for the lack of resistance on bin Laden’s part and the absence of casualties among the invading forces.”
In related news, former West German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt’s accusation that bin Laden’s killing was “an unlawful assassination” was brushed aside by US Attorney General Eric Holder as “nonsense. It was authorized by the President of theUnited States. The President of theUnited Statesis the ruler of the free world. Therefore, whatever he does is, by definition, legal.”
Nun Votes Thrown out in Wisconsin Election
Seeking to overturn a lost election for a Wisconsin Supreme Court position, lawyers for defeated candidate JoAnne Kloppenburg succeeded in getting 18 votes cast by nuns at theValleyofOur Lady Monasterydiscarded.
Kloppenburg attorney Charles Tan called it “a clear breach of the wall between church and state if we permit these votes to be counted. These aren’t voters who just happen to be Catholic. These are people who have no lives outside of the Church. They have dedicated themselves solely to a life of service to the Church. Effectively, then, these votes must be seen to represent the interests of the Church. They are inadmissible.”
As a result of throwing out these votes (14 were for Kloppenburg’s opponent David Prosser, 4 were for Kloppenburg), Kloppenburg is still over 7,000 votes short of winning the election.
Attorney General Defends Arming Mexican Drug Cartels
US Attorney General Eric Holder denied critics’ contention that his Department’s Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATFE) scheme of selling military ordinance to Mexican drug cartels was “a stupid idea.” Under the Department’s so-called “Gunwalker” program, surplus military weapons like M-16 and M-4 assault rifles, grenades, and AK-47s captured from foreigners were sold to the cartels by BATFE agents.
“These types of criminals are going to get weapons by hook or by crook,” Holder declared. “If they buy them from us two key objectives are attained. First, the Department earns revenue that can be used for other law enforcement activities. Second, we have extensive ballistic data on these weapons so that it will be easier to make a case against anyone who commits a murder with one of the guns we sold.”
To help solidify his argument, Holder pointed out that “this program has enabled us to identify that Border Patrol Agent Brian Terry was killed with one of the guns we sold. Now, if we ever apprehend the person who fired the rounds that killed him prosecuting that person will be a slam-dunk.”
US Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano rallied to Holder’s defense by reminding that “these weapons are also being used to kill a lot of Mexicans who might otherwise enter theUnited Statesillegally. So, his program can also be said to have reduced the volume of undocumented persons crossing the border.”
Holder insisted that the “Gunwalker” program “in no way contradicts the President’s goal of compiling a comprehensive gun registry for this country. These weapons are officially registered as belonging to the drug cartels. While we would prefer to have each weapon logged to a specific individual owner you have to admit that this is a step in the right direction.”
In related news, Holder vowed that “my office will not rest until the NCAA (National Collegiate Athletic Association) establishes an acceptable football playoff system for determining the national championship. Filling out brackets and watching the games unfold in the NCAA basketball tournament has been a great source of enjoyment for the President and other basketball fans. Football fans deserve the same right.”
Proof of bin Laden’s Demise Not Needed Says Prez
Declaring that “we must not make the mortal remains of a worthy adversary into some sort of ‘big game trophy,’” President Barack Obama declined to provide any material proof to verify that al-Qaeda terrorist leader Osama bin Laden was the person killed by US forces in a raid on his “safe-house” in Pakistan on May 1.
“The President of theUnited Stateshas assured the world that Osama bin Laden is the person we killed,” said Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. “To demand more than his word is an insult of enormous magnitude. Besides, it’s easy to doctor photos, falsify documents, and rig DNA tests. Why would any of these that the President might release be considered any better than his word?”
Carney labeled former President Bush’s displaying of the bodies of Saddam Hussein’s two sons “the kind of insensitivity you’d expect from the man,” but allowed that it “might have been necessary given the low level of trust the general public and the media had for him.”
House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md) said he concurred with the President’s decision to withhold what he dubbed “mere paper proofs.” “The President’s word is all that anyone needs in this or any other matter. What does it say about our country if we distrust our leader and demand he cater to doubters? Didn’t we already go through that circus with the birth certificate? I think it’s time the American people unite behind a great decision by a great man.”
Of course, not everyone agrees that the Seals got the right guy. Progressive Radio talk show host Mike Malloy thinks former President Bush would’ve been a more appropriate target. “By my count, Bush was responsible for more innocent victims than bin Laden was, if bin Laden was the one who authored the 9-11 attacks,” Malloy argued. “Why didn’t the Seals take him out?”
Napolitano Defends Molestation of Juveniles by TSA
US Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano dismissed outrage over TSA personnel’s aggressive “pat downs” of children at airport passenger boarding areas. Outrage was sparked by a “YouTube” video of 6-year-old Anna Drexel being essentially molested by the TSA agents.
“I make no apology,” Napolitano said. “The procedures were appropriate and within Department guidelines. Let’s not overlook the fact that secreting weapons or explosives in the body cavities of children is just the sort of diabolical tactic we should expect from those hoping to perpetrate man-caused disasters in this country. We all ought to be willing to sacrifice a little personal privacy and dignity if it means we can be safer.”
Fidel Castro Calls bin Laden Killing “Abhorrent, Tasteless, and Unimpressive”
Former Communist Dictator of Cuba Fidel Castro described reports of how al-Qaeda terrorist leader Osama bin Laden was killed by US Special Forces as “abhorrent, tasteless, and unimpressive.”
“This is not the way I would’ve done it,” Castro reminisced. “To all intents and purposes, the man was killed privately behind closed doors. The people were not part of the process. I would’ve had him shot in an arena in front of tens of thousands of cheering spectators. That’s the way to get popular buy-in to what you are doing.”
“Disposing of the body by throwing it into the sea was a waste,” Castro added. “Nailing the body to a wall in a prominent place and letting it rot is the way to send a very potent message to your enemies that you mean business. I fear that the world has gone soft over the last 50 years.”
Obama Films Campaign Commercial
President Obama wasted no time in turning the killing of long-wanted terrorist Osama bin Laden into political pay dirt when he visited the “ground zero” site where two planes destroyed theWorldTradeCenteron 9-11-01.
Media were barred from the President’s meeting with surviving family members of those killed on that day, but this doesn’t mean no cameras were present. The President’s campaign committee brought some along and got some great footage. The President refused to address questions from any of the survivors because, as the President said, “this is not about you. It’s about unifying the country around a common goal.” Those who had issues with the President were advised to “buy your own media time.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News