By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
In a stunning reversal of nearly 800 years of common law, the Indiana Supreme Court ruled 3-2 that homeowners have no right to refuse entry to police at any time for any reason.
Writing for the majority, Justice Steven David asserted that “if a police officer wants to enter a home for any reason, or for no reason, the homeowner is not entitled to refuse, resist, or in any manner impede that entry. A right to resist an unlawful police entry into a home is against public policy and is incompatible with modern Fourth Amendment jurisprudence. The proper course for a homeowner who feels that an officer has acted illegally is to file a civil suit after the alleged improper entry has taken place.”
Justice David argued that “the archaic notion that a person’s home is his castle is an invitation to escalation. A situation in which police have executed a ‘no knock’ break-in into a home is already fraught with danger. If inhabitants think they have a right to resist, police may be compelled to deploy deadly force against what may turn out to be innocent parties. A uniform policy of obedience toward the police at all times would avoid this.”
The Court was unmoved by evidence that in some home invasion robberies criminals pretend to be the police to help gain entry. “In such rare instances the victims could subsequently call the real police for assistance,” David wrote. “On balance, though, it is clear that in most instances cooperation with whoever is breaking into your home—whether it be criminals or the police—seems likely to be the safest option.”
In related news, former President Bill Clinton said “we need a national or international authority to police all the lies and misinformation that’s out there on the Internet. Right now, anyone can retty much say whatever they want. That’s just not right. Somehow we’ve got to get control over what is disseminated.”
Captured bin Laden Intelligence Disses Veep
In addition to blowing out terrorist Osama bin Laden’s brains, the US Navy Seal team also made off with a stash of information on al-Qaeda’s operations. This information included potential plans for assassinating various U.S. government officials. Notably absent from this list of targets was current Vce-President Joe Biden.
While lower level l-Qaeda operatives were eager to take out any and all potential “enemies,” bin Laden reportedly nixed Biden as a target. “This pompous ass does more to discredit the credibility of the United States government than we could ever achieve through our own propaganda,” bin Laden argued. “Killing him would only give the Americans the opportunity to replace him with someone more competent.”
U.S. Flag Banned
An attempt to erect a monument to U.S. soldiers killed in combat ran into a snag when the California Department of Transportation (CalTrans) forbade the display of the American flag at the site.
The site is located between a highway exit ramp and a park-and-ride lot in the town of Orcutt, California.
“Transportation facilities serve travelers from many nations,” CalTrans spokesman Alfred Dimson pointed out. “American troops have killed the soldiers of many of these countries. A flag celebrating only American troops is a non-neutral expression of support for a single side in events where others took an opposing side. Since it is likely impractical and possibly undesirable to display the flags of all nations whose troops have fallen in battle, it is best that no flags be allowed.”
In related news, 11-year-old Frankie Girard’s drawing of the American flag was barred from being posted in the Butterfield Elementary School in the town of Orange, Massachusetts out of fears that it “might offend other students.” The boy produced the picture in response to a prompt to “draw something that makes you feel proud.” Frankie was advised to “take the picture home and be proud of it there.”
Presidential Advisor Eyes Texas’ Electoral Votes
While most political observers see little chance for moving Texas’ electoral votes out of the GOP column in the 2012 balloting, a leading Obama advisor disagrees.
Obama senior adviser David Plouffe pointed out that “a 50% decline in arrests at the border has led to a surge of Hispanics who can be counted on to vote for the President.
Getting these people registered and out to the polls will be the key.” Plouffe added that “the president’s message of opposing crack downs on illegal immigration and photo IDs for voters has resonated well with the Hispanic community. If we can get these people motivated to actually vote I think we can take this state.”
Marc Campos, a Houston-based Democratic political consultant agreed, “If they spend a fraction of their billion dollar campaign fund we can make it happen. A million votes at a price of $15 to $25 apiece is attainable.”
Senator John McCain took Texas’ 34 electoral votes in the 2008 presidential election, defeating then Senator Barack Obama by a million votes in the state.
Dems Say “Tidal Wave of Support for Amnesty Will Drown GOP”
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) predicted that “a surging tidal wave of support for amnesty will drown GOP hopes in 2012.”
“Polls consistently show the majority of Americans favor allowing those seeking a better life to come to America,” Reid contended. “It’s time that we capitalize on this to sweep aside the impediments that obstruct the process of immigration to this country.”
President Obama seconded Reid’s remarks emphasizing that “it’s the Republicans that are blocking much needed immigration reform, not me,” and asked Latinos to “be patient” with his failure to honor his 2008 campaign promise to end deportations. “You know I’m on your side,” Obama said. “But our enemies remain a formidable force. It will take a united effort from every progressive thinker in America—alive or dead, legal or not—to sweep these reactionaries into the ‘dust bin’ of history.”
In related news, Representative Silvestre Reyes (D-Texas) lambasted GOP assertions that controlling the border should precede immigration reform. “Building a fence, hiring more guards is idiotic and wasteful,” Reyes argued. “We won’t need a fence or guards if we just let everyone who wants to come get in.” As for border violence, “the cartels wouldn’t have to be killing people if we had open borders. No one is going to get involved with smugglers if they can just walk across the border whenever they want.”
Bin Laden’s Son to Sue over Wrongful Death
Omar bin Laden, one of the late terrorist leader’s offspring called the U.S. operation that led to the slaying of his father “criminal” and promised to file suit against the United States at the World Court.
“My father was a lonely old man,” Omar said. “Relentlessly hounded, he was forced to live in seclusion. His only comforts were planning future attacks on the enemies of Islam and his extensive library of pornography, which he was in the midst of enjoying when American assassins burst in and shot him.”
It is Omar’s contention that “my father was denied due process. Granted, he did claim credit for attacks that killed thousands, but where’s the supporting forensic evidence? And what about a ‘justifiable homicide’ or an ‘insanity plea?’ Despite being unarmed he wasn’t given a chance to surrender peaceably. How is this justice?”
Omar said he will be asking the Court “to award damages of $600 billion to $700 billion per year for as long as the United States Government continues to make war on Islam. This way we can level the playing field and prevent mere financial advantage from determining the outcome in this battle of ideologies.”
The United Statescurrently spends about $600 billion to $700 billion per year on national defense. Though Omar has requested its assistance, there is no word yet in whether the ACLU will join his suit. Ironically, Iranmay come to America’s defense if such a lawsuit is launched. Iranian Intelligence Minister Heydar Moslehi claims to have proof that “bin Laden died some time ago of a disease. Even if US troops did invade Pakistan and shoot someone, there is no proof that it was bin Laden. No reliable authority has verified that it was. In fact, the body was hastily disposed of preventing such verification. The contention that American forces killed bin Laden must be seen as pure propaganda.”
Treasury Secretary Says Default May Be Preferred Option If Debt Ceiling Not Raised
U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner assailed Republican “attempts to hold spending hostage to the debt ceiling issue.”
“They’re saying that default isn’t automatic, that we can cut other spending to prevent default,” Geithner said. “We could, but this would force us to prioritize the revenues we have available in ways that we don’t want to. The President’s initiatives on high-speed rail and the ‘green economy,’ for example, may seem expendable to his enemies in Congress. However, the decision on whether to forego paying for such crucial programs or to stop making payments on old debt is at our discretion. We will exercise that discretion as the President sees fit.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News