Congressman Unsure on Lewd Photo

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The scandal involving the transmission of a lewd photograph to 21 year-old college student Gennette Cordova via his “Twitter” account has Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) wondering what happened.

In response to the question of whether he is the person in the photo, Weiner replied, “You know, I’m not sure. Like any normal guy, I’ve fooled around with my camera—including taking pictures of myself. So, I guess it could be me in the photo, but I don’t remember sending it to that girl in Washington. That’s why I think my account must have been hacked.”

Weiner said it is unlikely that he will be calling for an investigation of the alleged hacking because “after all, who was hurt? Regardless of who sent the picture, it’s no big thing. I’m sure college girls see guys in their underwear, or less, a lot. I mean, isn’t it at colleges where streaking is done? I think just dropping the whole thing would be the best course for me and for America. Besides, all the attention to this is upsetting my wife.”

Fellow New Yorker, Senator Charles Schumer (D), agreed, “The media is making a mountain out of a molehill. If it’s okay for a President to get a blow job from an intern, why is a photo of a congressman in his underwear a federal case? Let’s not lose our perspective. It’s only a small peccadillo. We need to move on.”

Joy Behar of “The View” sees the incident as “evidence of a right wing vendetta founded on a ‘knee-jerk’ opposition to pornography, which psychologists all agree is healthy. I just wish Congressman Weiner would include me the next time he tweets a photo of himself.”

California Dems Kill Bills that Would Scrutinize Their Behavior

Legislation that would increase oversight of legislators’ behavior has been pushed aside by the Democratic majority in the California Assembly. Among the bills torpedoed by the Democratic leadership were one aimed at requiring public officials to disclose their sources of compensation, another would’ve banned receiving of “freebies” from lobbyists, a third would’ve docked legislators’ per diem pay for absences.

Robin Swanson, spokeswoman for Assembly Speaker John A. Pérez (D-Los Angeles), defended the deferrals of this reform legislation. “With the economy on the rocks and the state budget in shambles now is not the time to penalize hardworking legislators,” Swanson said. “Like everyone facing financial difficulties elected officials need every cent they can get to make ends meet. Taxpayers should be thankful that some of this money comes from outside of the public treasury.”

Assemblyman Felipe Fuentes (D-Sylmar) concurred that additional scrutiny is unnecessary. “Asking everyone to document who is paying them how much and for what is a waste of time,” Fuentes argued. “Voters need to trust those they’ve elected to office. If people think we are crooks they should prove it. We shouldn’t have to bear witness against ourselves.”

Bob Stern, president of the Center for Governmental Studies in Los Angeles said the reluctance to pass these kinds of reforms is natural. “You can’t expect them to make it easier for voters to observe what they’re doing,” Stern said. “Unless voters press the issue themselves nothing will happen.”

Senator Sam Blakeslee (R-San Luis Obispo) called the shelving of the reforms “an outrage.” “Democrats say these bills imply that they can’t be trusted,” Blakeslee recounted. “I say killing these bills goes a long way toward proving they can’t be.”

Reaction to Memorial Day Comment Surprises President

Thinking he was praising U.S. military forces by calling them “one of the finest fighting forces the world has ever known,” President Obama was shocked that some would take issue with his “one of” phrasing.

“A lot of people around the world have been abused by American troops,” Obama asserted. “They don’t think American fighting forces are in the least bit ‘fine.’ I put this criticism aside for one day and I get grief. You just can’t please some people.”

“Of course, from a historical perspective, one must acknowledge the achievements of other fighting forces—some of which dwarf anything U.S. troops have accomplished,” the President added. “To cite one example, the Mongols under Genghis Khan were able to conquer Asia, killing an estimated 40 million using only primitive weapons. Better armed American forces haven’t come close to duplicating this feat. And let’s not forget that American troops got whipped by the Viet Cong. On balance, I think I was being generous in my praise.”

Palin Vacation “Dangerous” Says CBS

Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin’s family vacation tour of historic sites has attracted hordes of media attention—a situation that CBS News Producer Ryan Corsaro characterizes as “dangerous.”
“We’ve been provided with no schedule or itinerary,” Corsaro complained. “We’re forced to stalk her if we want to find out where she’s going and what she’s doing. It’s very aggravating, not to mention dangerous. Every network wants to be first in line to get the best picture, to be close enough to overhear every conversation. Media vehicles are racing with each other, tailgating, weaving in and out of traffic trying to beat out the competition—it’s scary and nerve wracking.”

Corsaro rebuffed suggestions that as an uninvited guest he was, perhaps, invading Ms. Palin’s privacy. “Palin is not a private person,” Corsaro maintained. “People want to know what she’s up to. It’s our duty to tell them. She’s being inconsiderate with us. If she continues with this attitude she shouldn’t be surprised if our coverage turns negative toward her.”

In related news, MSNBC commentator Chris Matthews called Palin “the most divisive figure in American politics since Abraham Lincoln. Just like Lincoln, she has no respect for how the game is supposed to be played. Her criticism of Mitt Romney on the day he announced his candidacy was an insult to an established protocol. As a private citizen I think she should keep her opinions about politics to herself.”

Feds Threaten Indiana over Defunding of Planned Parenthood

The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) is threatening to withhold federal Medicaid funding to the State after its legislature enacted a law barring Planned Parenthood from receiving state money because some of it would be used to fund abortions.

Medicaid Administrator Donald Berwick said, “Indiana’s attempt to block funding for a recognized provider of family planning services conflicts with Administration policy. What is and isn’t covered is determined by the federal government. No state has the authority to deviate from the guidelines mandated by federal policy.”

Under federal Medicaid rules, states may bar service providers engaged in criminal acts. However, Berwick dismissed any contention that performing abortions meets this criterion. “The Supreme Court has decided that termination of a pregnancy is every woman’s right,” Berwick argued. “Consequently, every state has an obligation to ensure that every woman has access to the medical services required to exercise this right. The fact that some taxpayers feel it is morally repugnant for them to be compelled to fund the exercise of this right by those too poor to pay for their own abortions is irrelevant. Their idiosyncratic views cannot override the collective will of the majority.”

Former Speaker Predicts Democrats Will Take Back House

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) predicted that the Democrats will win a majority in the 2012 elections because “voters will have tired of Republican efforts to cut spending and resist tax increases.”

“The whole ‘Tea Party’ notion that voters oppose taxes is out-of-date by more than 200 years,” Pelosi averred. “The money isn’t going to the King of England. It’s buying Medicare, Social Security, welfare, corporate bailouts, you name it. Voters love these programs. Bigger government is the only way they can be sure that they continue. Republican demands for ‘fiscal sobriety’ require a self-discipline among voters that just isn’t there.”

Government Argues Obamacare Does Give Consumers Options

A suit maintaining that Obamacare’s individual mandate clause requiring people to buy health insurance is unconstitutional is being heard in the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit in Cincinnati. Plaintiffs assert that the federal government lacks authority to compel citizens to buy insurance.

Neal Kumar Katyal, the Obama Administration’s acting solicitor general, argues that the law doesn’t compel anyone to purchase insurance. “Under the ‘hardship exemption’ of the law, if you are too poor you don’t have to buy insurance,” Katyal pointed out. “In fact, if your income falls below the threshold set by the law the government will step in and insure you.”

“Persons who don’t want to be forced to buy insurance can avoid the mandate by lowering their income,” Katyal said. “They could take a lower-paying job, switch to part-time employment, or just quit—to name a few options. It’s also possible to avoid having to buy insurance if you are deceased. So, there are ways for people to opt out of the system. No one is absolutely forced to join.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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