By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
A study out of HarvardUniversityhas advised Democratic Party officeholders and candidates to bypass participating in annual July 4th festivities.
“The typical July 4th event promotes patriotism,” said Harvard Kennedy School of Government Assistant Professor David Yanagizawa-Drott. “This is not a strong point for most Democratic Party activists and leaders. Reminders that government ought to be limited to protecting the inalienable rights to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness conflict with the basic message of the Democratic Party.”
Democrats were advised to appropriate a different holiday for political purposes. Either Labor Day or May Day would be viable options, according to Professor Yanagizawa-Drott. “Both of these holidays have historically been linked to the working class and its struggle against capitalist oppression,” the professor observed. “Both would be more amenable to the Democratic Party’s push for expropriation of capitalist wealth for redistribution to the lower classes. Making one or both of these holidays their own would enable Democrats to project a more coherent image to voters.”
President May Ignore Debt Ceiling Law
Frustrated with Republican demands that federal spending be cut in exchange for their support in raising the congressionally delineated $14 trillion debt ceiling, President Obama has spurned Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell’s (R-Ky) invitation to meet to discuss a potential compromise and is, instead, said to be mulling over the idea of unilaterally breaching that limit.
“If the Republicans are going to be such d**ks about it, the President may be forced to go it alone,” said Jay Carney, Presidential Press Secretary. “Every previous Congress has raised the debt ceiling when requested to do so by whoever was President at the time. So there’s plenty of precedent that it’s the right thing to do. Why should the intransigence of the current crowd be given more weight than all of those previous congresses?”
Historic precedent wasn’t the only rationale Carney offered for possible unilateral action by President Obama. “Everyone agrees that a default would do severe damage to the nation’s future ability to borrow money,” Carney contended. “Protecting the nation against this kind of damage is the sort of emergency for which the President might have to invoke his authority as Commander-in-Chief. He could simply order Secretary Geithner to continue to issue US Treasury Bonds to obtain the money needed to fund the government’s programs.”
Action by President Obama to breach the debt limit would be a complete u-turn from his 2006 stance of opposing an increase in the then $8 trillion debt ceiling because it would be “endorsing irresponsible spending.”
Court Blocks Restrictions on Abortion
A federal judge issued a decree barring the state of South Dakota from implementing new restrictions on abortions performed in the state. The restrictions would have imposed a three-day waiting period and mandated pregnancy counseling prior to any abortion procedure.
In her ruling, Judge Karen Schreier called the restrictions “unacceptably cruel and inhumane. Why should a woman be forced to delay undergoing a medical procedure that she already has decided she wants? Why should she be compelled to listen to counseling that can only foment doubt that she is taking the right course?”
“The Roe vs. Wade decision of 1973 established that it is a woman’s inalienable right to terminate a pregnancy at any time and for any reason,” Schreier declared. “No state has the authority to infringe upon this right at any time or for any reason. South Dakota’s attempt to require a woman to pause and reconsider before going ahead is an intolerable obstruction of what has been a settled federal policy for nearly four decades.”
Democrat Senators Oppose State Voter ID Laws
Sixteen Democratic senators have asked Attorney General Eric Holder to take action to suppress state-enacted voter ID laws. Currently, there are 13 states with laws requiring voters to show proof of identity before being given a ballot. In four more states legislation establishing ID requirements was vetoed by Democratic governors.
“We’re asking the AG to intervene because there isn’t time for us to pursue the matter through the courts,” said Senator Michael Bennet (D-Colo). “By the time a case would get to a final judgment the 2012 election will be over. If we let state laws block those without valid IDs from voting millions will be denied the opportunity to cast ballots for the Democratic Party. It’s imperative that the AG ensure that these votes are cast and counted.”
Bennet rejected contentions that IDs are needed to guard against fraud. “I’ve seen little evidence that voter fraud is a significant threat,” Bennet argued. “Besides, under federal law a voter’s word that he is eligible is all that is required. States shouldn’t be allowed to ask for more. Even if a so-called ineligible person casts a ballot is that really so bad? Shouldn’t every living person be entitled to vote for who will rule over him?”
Justice Department spokeswoman Tracy Schmaler acknowledged that “Attorney General Holder is monitoring the situation, but has not yet made a decision on whether to overrule these state voter ID laws.”
In related news, Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill) said it was important that illegal aliens have access to state-supported college tuition “so they will have the training they need to lead this country in the future. I wouldn’t be surprise if tomorrow’s doctors, lawyers, senators, or even presidents of the United States come from this growing cohort of the American population.”
Court Invalidates Michigan Law Against Racial and Gender Bias
In a two to one ruling, a federal appeals court struck down a voter-passed state constitutional amendment that banned racial and gender bias in college admissions.
“The majority has improperly used its power at the ballot box to dispossess a minority from enjoying an entitlement to which it has become accustomed,” wrote judges R. Guy Cole Jr. and Martha Craig Daughtrey in their decision. “Left undisturbed, the majority would have an unfettered authority to undo all of the social progress that has been achieved over the years. Minorities would be forced to compete against more able or accomplished peers without the advantage of set-asides and quotas established for their benefit.”
Dissenting judge, Julia Smith Gibbons, called the decision “a usurpation of the democratic process. In essence, my colleagues are saying that Michigan voters may not amend their state constitution by the procedures laid out in that document if the result is a change that these judges disapprove.”
“Voters are notoriously short-sighted,” Cole responded. “While it may appear fair to them that all applicants be measured with the same yardstick this perspective overlooks past injustices. They don’t appreciate that society may need to extend preferential treatment today to offset the degradation that was imposed at an earlier point in our nation’s history. Losing a seat in a college classroom to a less qualified candidate cannot sting as much as the slave driver’s whip did to some college candidates’ ancestors. Until the multi-generational scales of justice are balanced voters cannot be allowed to tamper with the affirmative action process.”
Senator Blames Voters for Current Mess in Government
Former presidential candidate Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) laid the blame for the nation’s current troubles at the feet of the American electorate.
“Look, if voters had elected me instead of Bush we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in right now,” Kerry maintained. “The obvious benefit, of course, is that Bush would’ve been sent to early retirement. But let’s not overlook the likelihood that we’d now be in the midst of my second term instead of suffering under the incompetent ministrations of the current Administration. At worst, Barack Obama would now be a junior senator from Illinois. That’d have to be better than where we are now.”
To bolster his point, Senator Kerry referenced recent data on President Obama’s work schedule. “The guy’s working less than four hours a day,” Kerry pointed out. “That’s a lot of slacking off for the supposed most powerful man on the planet. I mean, he’s played more golf in two years than Bush did in eight, for crying out loud. The American people aren’t getting their money’s worth if you ask me.”
“I may have my faults,” Kerry admitted, “but I think I would’ve been a good president—great, in fact, if you consider the last two who’ve ended up with the job.”
Minnesota Government Shutdown Hurts Most Vulnerable, Says Gov
The impasse between the Republican legislature and Democratic Governor Mark Dayton that led to a shutdown of the state’s government is “hurting those most vulnerable” says Dayton.
“Take the case of Sonya Mills,” Dayton suggested. “This single mother of eight stands to lose the $40,000/ year subsidy we were providing. Now who’s going to take care of her children? Or is she supposed to do it herself?”
Termination of funding to Ms. Mills is a consequence of there being no budget. There is no budget because Governor Dayton refused to consider reductions in spending to match the decline in tax receipts—taking the possibility that people like Ms. Mills be asked to get by on a little less off the table.
A Satirical Look at Recent News