By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

It is estimated that the Obama family has racked up $10 million worth of vacation expenses since Barack entered the White House. While critics have branded this as extravagant, especially in light of how poorly the economy is doing, the regime, itself, sees it differently.

“Might I remind everyone that the key to economic recovery for this country is to maintain high levels of spending,” said Press Secretary Jay Carney. “Sure, the President might garner a few ‘brownie points’ with uninformed voters by adopting a counterproductive stance of frugality, but he has courageously chosen to set an example that he hopes others will follow.”

First Lady, Michelle Obama argued that “the $10 million doesn’t get us even for all Barack and I have done for this country. With our abilities we could’ve easily made several times as much if he hadn’t been forced to become President. So, by any reasonable accounting, we’re still in the hole. People have no right to criticize the little we’ve taken in return for our sacrifices.”

Biden Warns Chinese on Downside of “One Child” Policy

In a speech at Sichuan University, US Vice-President Joe Biden told the Chinese government that its one child per family policy will “come back to bite you.”

“While the world must be grateful for your heroic efforts to control excess population via rigorous enforcement of widely available pregnancy termination services, there is also a downside,” Biden cautioned. “The decline in the younger-aged cohorts of the population will generate a severe actuarial imbalance in your social security program. This will impair your ability to fund benefits for the aging cohort. Simply put, there won’t be enough younger people working to support those who have retired.”

Biden conceded that declining birth rates in the West pose a similar problem for the United States and Europe, but warned that the “escape valves available to us don’t appear to be realistic options for a country with such a large population like China. Europeans have filled the gap by importing Muslim laborers. In America, we are blessed with a robustly growing crop of younger workers in our neighbor to the south. Where will China find the people needed to fill its youth population gap? China’s wages are too low to attract many immigrant workers.”

The vice-president speculated that “non-economic means might be China’s only recourse,” and that “an investment in a stronger military would be understandable given the unattractive alternatives. In fact, a more unified Asian co-prosperity sphere coordinated under the leadership of the dominant power in the region might be the best all around solution,” Biden concluded.

Egypt’s “Arab Spring” Starting to Pay Dividends

The ouster of Egyptian strongman Hosni Mubarak by a citizen uprising was heralded by US President Barack Obama as a harbinger of an “Arab spring”—a purported turn toward democracy and better relations between Egypt and America. Some of the fruit of this development are now coming into view.

First, the Muslim Brotherhood, expected to play a leading role in the government after upcoming elections, is demanding that Egypt abrogate its long standing peace treaty with Israel (the one brokered by Jimmy Carter when he was President). To show it is serious, the Brotherhood has threatened to kill the Israeli ambassador to Egypt if he doesn’t leave the country.

Now, Dr. Salah Sultan, a lecturer on Islamic law in Cairo University and head of the Al Quds Committee in the World Federation of Islamic Scholars, has declared that “it is the sacred duty of every Muslim who encounters a Jew to kill him.” Sultan’s call for slaying Jews came in a speech before 200 members of the Freedom and Justice Party at a rally outside of Israel’s embassy in Cairo.

The Obama Administration is “trying to remain optimistic,” but Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admitted that “this is not quite the change we were hoping for.”

In related news, inadvertent farting by US troops in Afghanistan has been blamed for several recent “friendly fire” assaults on US forces. Although belching and farting after a meal has long been deemed a compliment to the chef in this part of the world, it seems that these sorts of emanations from unbelievers are deemed offensive to our Muslim hosts. “Considering the natural ambience of this place is enough to make anyone gag, I’d’ve thought we were marginally improving the air quality,” opined an anonymous Marine now under strict orders to refrain from audible discharges when in the company of our Afghan partners.

Police Warn Against Resisting Flash Mobs

Police in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania warned residents against resisting the depredations of flash mobs bent on looting and mayhem. Several cities in Pennsylvania have recently been victimized by gangs of youths who organize and coordinate attacks on local businesses through social media. Gun sales in these areas have reportedly increased giving rise to police fears of vigilantism.

“Look, just because police are helpless against these mobs doesn’t mean people should take matters into their own hands,” Upper Darby police Captain George Rhoades said. “Thus far, the damage has been mostly confined to theft and destruction of property. The only people who’ve gotten hurt are those who tried to stop the youths from robbing them or who’ve just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Rhoades acknowledged that “according to the law, the actions of these mobs are crimes, but mature adults ought to be more understanding. These kids come from bad neighborhoods. They want the same things you want. They just can’t afford to pay for them. Is inability to pay where we want to draw the line between who can and who can’t have? Do you really want to shoot someone for trying to readjust the distribution of property?”

The Police Captain urged residents to “stay away from trouble if you can. Don’t go out. Lock your doors. You’ll probably avoid getting hurt. If you do get hurt, or your place is trashed, well, that’s what insurance is for.”

New Labor Rules in the Works

Unions’ abilities to organize and carry out their political objectives are hampered by the fact that current labor laws protect their employees from the unions’ bosses’ “abuses.” That is, as employers of persons, unions are subject to the same rules that apply to other employers. Obama’s Secretary of Labor, Hilda Solis, is drafting new regulations that would exempt unions from the standards applied to other employers.

“These regulations hem-in the latitude of management by restricting what they can do when dealing with their employees,” Solis said. “While these regulations are necessary to protect workers from employer abuses, they are inappropriate when the employer is a union. By definition, a union is the friend of the employee. There is no need for the government to impose itself between a union boss and his employee. If the employee of a union thinks he’s being treated unfairly he can simply look for another job. After all, it’s a free country. No one is forced to work for any particular employer.”

Huntsman Wins Key Endorsement from Howard Dean

Former Utah Gov. John Huntsman’s campaign for the GOP presidential nomination garnered support from an unusual source when former Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean praised his candidacy.

“Huntsman is the kind of candidate that gives the Democratic Party nightmares,” Dean confided. “He’s smart, well-informed, articulate, and on the right side on most of the issues—he’d be a great candidate for the Democratic nomination. That’s why President Obama tried to keep him out of the running by appointing him ambassador to China. Unfortunately, he quit that gig and is back posing a threat. Luckily for us, though, Republican voters are too stupid to recognize his potential.”

DC Quake, Hurricane Irene Blamed for Faltering Economy

A highly unusual East Coast earthquake and a looming hurricane strike are being blamed for the nation’s economic woes by former Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers and senior economic adviser to President Obama, Austan Goolsbee.

“No other president has had to deal with an earthquake in the nation’s capital,” Goolsbee observed. “And as we have seen, the quake has shaken the very foundations of our government and our way of life. Have you seen the pictures of the cracks in the Washington Monument?”

“Right on top of the earthquake we now have a hurricane headed straight for the Capital,” Goolsbee added. “What other President has had to face such a one-two punch of crises? Why, the president was even forced to cut short his Martha’s Vineyard vacation, negating a portion of its economically stimulating effects.”

“So, before we judge President Obama to be a failure we really need to assess the extremely difficult circumstances under which he’s had to operate,” Goolsbee argued. “To be fair, I think he deserves another term free of externally induced setbacks in order for us to get a clearer picture of his performance as President. At least, I hope voters will be generous enough to give him that chance.”

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President Obama pushed his Midwest “self pity” tour into new ground this past week with his claim that he has it harder than President Lincoln did.

“Everyone thinks that Lincoln had it tough,” Obama said. “But let’s not forget that his opposition was confined to one region of the country. Secessionists only controlled 11 states in the South. Today, I’m beset from all sides. Tea Party extremists operate in every state and control the government in a majority of them. We live in perilous times. The fate of the nation is at stake.”

The president said he is “waiting for those who want to destroy America to make their fatal ‘Fort Sumter mistake’—the one where they fire the ‘first shot’ that will enable me to rally loyal Americans to fight this threat to our way of life. Maybe it’ll be a state seceding from Obamacare. Maybe it’ll be the nomination of a person who accuses an official of the Government of treason. Whatever and whenever it is, I will not hesitate to use my authority to put down our nation’s enemies.”

Several Civil War historians characterized President Obama’s remarks as “laughable,” “ludicrous,” and “dangerous,” but did so anonymously for “fear on ending up on the President’s list of reputed enemies.” “Remember, Lincoln had a lot of his critics arrested,” one professor observed. “It looks like Obama is setting himself up to do the same.”

In related news, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney chastised Republican presidential candidate Texas Governor Rick Perry for implying that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke’s promise to print as much money as we have to between now and 2013 might be treasonous. “I would remind Governor Perry that the FBI reports to the president, not to him,” Carney pointed out. “It is the president who decides who will or won’t be arrested for treason.”

City Shuts Down Ill Woman’s Yard Sale

A Salem, Oregon woman’s desperate efforts to raise funds to treat her bone cancer were stifled by City officials. Jan Cline had been holding weekly yard sales trading her possessions for the cash she needs to pay medical bills. City rules limit the number of yard sales per address to three per year.

Harden Callas, spokesman for the City’s Community Development Department urged people “to not lose sight of the bigger picture here. We know a lot of people are going to feel sympathetic toward Ms. Cline. But we can’t let her or anyone else put their own personal needs ahead of the community’s needs.”

“It’s a residential neighborhood,” Callas went on. “Allowing three yard sales a year is more than a generous concession to individual rights, if you ask me. It’s unfortunate that she sick, but if we bend the rules for her others will want exceptions too.”

Callas suggested that Cline “go on Medicaid. That way, she can keep all her stuff and let the government pay her medical bills.”

Poll Shows New Yorkers Disappointed in Obama

A poll of New York voters conducted by Siena College found that only 36% approve of President Obama’s job performance. This is a decline from last May’s 53% approval rating.

A comment from a Manhattan poll respondent cited the president’s “lack of focus.” “He keeps talking about creating jobs,” the respondent complained. “We don’t want wage slavery. We need to get paid. That’s why we elected him. What I want to know is where are our checks?”

Despite their disappointment with the President, New York voters still prefer him to any possible Republican contender. The poll shows that even former New York Mayor Rudi Giuliani loses to Obama by a 50-44 margin.

LA Mayor Calls for Repeal of Prop 13

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa called for the state legislature to repeal California’s Proposition 13. Prop 13, the People’s Initiative to Limit Property Taxation, was enacted by voters in 1978. It restricts property taxes to 1% of full cash value and limits increases to 2% a year.

“It’s time for progressive to start thinking and acting big,” Villaraigosa said. “The government needs money. People who can afford to own property have more money than they need. We shouldn’t let a vote taken over 30 years ago stop us from extracting some of this excess wealth from property owners.”

Villaraigosa contrasted his “forward looking” approach to that of the “reactionary ideologues in the Tea Party,” and demanded that Democrats in Sacramento “act before it is too late.” “After the 2012 election the enemies of progressive policies may have the upper hand,” Villaraigosa warned. “If Republicans win, as seems likely, the assets and incomes of taxpayers may be out of our reach for a generation. We must make an effort to grab them now while we still have the chance.”

Food Stamp Record Hailed as Triumph

While most economists would see the record number of Americans currently receiving food stamps as a bad sign, the Obama Administration’s Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack, is touting it as a triumph for the president’s policies.

“The idea that people depending on the government to get fed is a bad thing reflects archaic thinking,” Vilsack maintained. “Our analysis shows that for every dollar we pay out in food stamp benefits, an additional $1.84 in economic activity is generated. From this it should be clear that the problem isn’t that too many are on food stamps. The problem is that there are too few. If we had 300 million recipients instead of only 45 million the economy would be in a lot better shape.”

Vilsack says that the “success” of the food stamp program argues for extending the concept to include “clothing stamps.” “Food is only one leg of the tradition ‘three-legged stool’ of life,” Vilsack said.

“People also need clothing and shelter, too. People shouldn’t be forced to wear worn out, obsolete, or out-dated clothing just because they can’t afford to buy new clothes. If the government were to give everyone ‘clothing stamps’ they’d be able to help stimulate this sector of the economy as well.”

Credit for “Texas Miracle” Disputed

One of the factors boosting Texas Governor Rick Perry’s presidential bid is the relative economic success of his home state. Statistics indicate that the Texas economy is generating a disproportionate share of the net new jobs created. Perry has argued that his policies deserve some of the credit.

Democratic National Committee Chairwoman, Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-Fla), challenged Perry’s claim and argues that President Obama deserves the lion’s share of the credit.

“Look, Texas is an oil producing state,” Wasserman Schultz pointed out. “When oil prices are high more profits are going to accrue to oil producers. More profits mean expansion and more employment. Well, oil prices didn’t get high by accident. President Obama has done more to accomplish that than Perry ever could have done.”

“It was President Obama who placed a moratorium on off-shore drilling,” Wasserman Schultz said. “It is President Obama who is slowing on-shore drilling. It is President Obama who is impeding the construction of new refineries. All of these actions reduce access to supplies that could’ve competed with supplies from Texas. So, if the people of Texas want to thank someone for their improved economy it should be President Obama.”

Wasserman Schultz’s take was echoed by leftist economist Paul Krugman who also added Texas’ “lax regulatory climate” as another factor. “It’s the old ‘fallacy of composition’ argument we are seeing here,” Krugman asserted. “Texas was able to benefit from other states’ comparatively stricter regulatory climate. Businesses could escape to Texas’ laxer environment, boosting that state’s economic growth. A more uniform regulatory regime, which the President is striving to implement, would prevent individual states from exploiting the kind of comparative advantage Texas has enjoyed in the regulatory sphere.”

Obama Weighing Pardon for Illegals

Frustrated with Congress’ inability or unwillingness to act on immigration reform, President Obama is said to be weighing granting all persons in the country illegally a blanket pardon.

Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) praised the idea. “The Constitution gives the president the power to pardon anyone he wants,” Durbin contended. “He doesn’t need to get Congress’ permission before he acts to grant amnesty to those illegally in the country.”

Representative Luis Gutierrez (D-Ill) concurred with Durbin’s interpretation, calling it “a victory not just for immigrants, but for the American people as a whole. Making these immigrants legal residents will help boost the vote totals for the Democratic Party and offset the advantage gained by the president’s enemies in the Tea Party from the economic misfortunes that have burdened the Democratic Party’s election prospects.”

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On the heels of the nation’s first ever credit downgrade, an angry President Obama embarked upon a campaign tour aimed at focusing voters’ wrath at what he dubbed the GOP’s “economic terrorism.”

“Opposition to my leadership imperils the very existence of the nation,” Obama asserted. “Voters must send a message to all the members of Congress that refusal to accommodate themselves to my program of transformational change won’t be tolerated.”

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said he would be willing to consider accommodating the President’s program if he knew what it was. “The most frustrating thing about the debt-ceiling negotiations is that the President never put forward a single new idea for reducing our nation’s debt,” Boehner complained. “Even now, after our credit rating has been downgraded, all he has to offer is more of the same wasteful spending that got us into the mess.”

House Majority Leader, Eric Cantor (R-Va) called the President’s push for higher taxes and more regulations a recipe for disaster. “Both of these policies raise the cost of doing business,” Cantor pointed out. “If it costs more to do business, less business will be done. Less business being done means fewer jobs and less tax revenue. This would only worsen the country’s economic and financial problems.”

The president warned voters “not to fall for the Republicans’ ‘siren song’ of economic growth as the answer to all our ills. Are jobs really more important than a cleaner environment? Should prosperity be preferred to a broader equality? Shouldn’t we all be willing to bear the burdens of shared sacrifice for a future that is cleaner and fairer?”

“Super Committee” Appointments May Yield Fund-Raising Bonanza

Democrats wasted no time using membership on the Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction (the so-called “Super Committee”) to encourage more campaign donations.

Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) defended the move citing “the urgent need to elect more Democrats to the next Congress. The recent deadlock over the debt ceiling demonstrated the difficulties of divided government. The very fact that we have to have this Super Committee with Republican members is a major setback for the President’s agenda. So, if we can use this Committee as a way to boost campaign finances for the Democratic Party, at least some good will have come of it.”

Representative Xavier Becerra (D-Calif) has cited his membership on the 12-member committee in a bid to boost attendance at a $1500/plate fund-raising dinner. “I’m no longer just one of 435 representatives,” Becerra bragged. “I’m one of an elite dozen members of Congress who will have extraordinary power to shape our nation’s destiny. Surely, it has to be worth more to my constituents to have a ‘super representative’ promoting their interests when it comes to deciding on what and where the government will spend its money.”

On the Senate side, Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) rationalized naming Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee Chairperson Senator Patty Murray (D-Wash) as one of the three Democratic senators to serve on the Super Committee. “Look, the Committee, per se, won’t accomplish anything,” Reid argued. “How could it when it has to be insanely balanced with an equal number of Republicans? But if we can use it as leverage to increase the number of Democrats in the next Congress it may not be totally useless.”

Britain’s Crackdown on Rioters, Looting Denounced

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denounced British authorities for what he termed a “violent and unjustified suppression of freedom of expression.” The “freedom of expression” has been manifested mostly by rampaging youths looting shops and robbing passersby in a week-long protest of the government’s proposal to trim future welfare payments.

“The Godlessness of Western society has come back to bite them,” Ahmadinejad said. “Deprived of the discipline of faith, we must expect young people to lash out at those who have neglected their instruction. The secular greed of the protestors is a predictable outcome of this neglect.”

On the home front, looters professing to be “taking advances on payments owed to us” and “showing the rich that we can do whatever we want” were excused by Labour Party spokesman Rob Steele. “Inequality is an injustice that government welfare programs have been designed to mitigate,” Steele contended. “The Conservative Government’s proposed cuts to these programs tip the balance back toward injustice. Who can blame the prospective victims from taking matters into their own hands?”

Ahmadinejad encouraged the United Nations to send peace keepers to help restore order. “The British Government has proven itself incapable of maintaining a just, orderly, and pious society,” Ahmadinejad said. “External intervention to displace this oppressive regime is warranted. Iran stands ready to contribute troops to a UN-sponsored army of occupation.”

In related news, portions of London have been declared sharia law enforcement zones by local Muslims. In these zones gambling, alcohol consumption, and listening to music have been banned. Violators will be subject to appropriate punishments, which may include amputation of limbs, disfigurement, or death—depending upon the severity of the offense, the number of times it is repeated, and the whims of the attending Imam.

Poll Shows Substantial Minority See “Tea Party” as Terrorists

A Rasmussen poll showed that while a majority (55%) disagree with the statement: “members of the Tea Party are economic terrorists,” 29% say that they are.

Among this minority, Massachusetts poll respondent John was adamant in his view that “there’s no question about it. They caused the credit downgrade that will make it harder for the government to get the money it needs. Anyone who impedes government getting the funding it needs to adequately control the country is a terrorist.”

Debbie, a Florida poll respondent, echoed John’s remarks saying, “Truer words were never spoken. The Tea Party represents a graver threat to our country than al-Qaeda ever did. If we don’t take adequate measures to suppress this threat tyranny will overthrow our democracy.”

Michael, a poll respondent from Michigan, took a slightly different tack, blaming Standard & Poor and demanding that “President Obama should have the CEO of this criminal band of capitalist enablers arrested. Moneyed interests may have wealth, but the government has the guns. There is no need for Obama to kowtow to these people when he could easily just take the resources he needs for his programs.”

China Offers Deficit Reduction Advice

Considering its extensive holdings of US Treasury bonds, the Government of China has more than a passing interest in the US Government’s debt repayment capacity. To help ensure that more resources are available to pay interest and principal on this debt, the Chinese Government suggested that significant savings might be found if the US were to cut military spending.

Pointing out that China now has its own aircraft carrier, China’s official Xinhua news agency urged the US to withdraw its fleet from the western Pacific Ocean. “The US presence is redundant,” Xinhua wrote. “China now has the naval assets necessary to ensure the security of this region. By lightening its burden in this part of the world, the United States will be more able to meet its financial commitments to its lenders.”

China’s suggestion was eagerly received by Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass), senior Democrat on the House Financial Services Committee. “I’ve been saying for years that we can’t afford to waste money on national defense when there are so many domestic needs going unmet,” Frank said. “This most gracious offer from China to pick up part of the burden couldn’t have come at a better time.”

President Touts “Green Jobs” Model

In an early campaign speech touting his accomplishments, President Obama told the employees of Johnson Controls Inc., in Holland, Michigan that the company’s success is a model for how his “green jobs” initiative will revive the economy. Johnson Controls makes the batteries that power electric cars like the Chevy Volt.

“The investment we made in this company through the ‘Stimulus Program’ is conclusive proof that we are on the right track,” Obama boasted. “We have confounded the naysayers and shown how careful government intervention will triumph over capitalist ideology. Once again, ‘yes we can,’ will carry the day for those of us who believe in hope and change.”

The jobs created by the government’s stimulus at the Johnson Controls plant cost $2 million apiece. If this is a model for ending unemployment, the project amount of government stimulus required would be in the neighborhood of $28 trillion. Total federal government revenues for fiscal year 2012 are estimated at less than $3 trillion.

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Arguing that Tea Party conservatives are “an impediment to the proper governance of this country,” Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) demanded the media stop “propping these nuts up.”

“It’s one thing for Democrats and Republicans to have respectful disagreements over how much spending or taxes should be increased,” Kerry said. “It’s another thing entirely when outsiders who have no idea how Washington works to interfere with the governing process by trying to impose their twisted vision of an America where government is denied the powers it needs to meet the people’s needs.”

Kerry criticized the media for “failing to point out that the Tea Party’s opposition to higher deficits, spending and taxes is ignorant and demented. I mean, treating the remarks of someone like Senator Paul as if they are serious contributions to the debate over our country’s future is irresponsible. If they aren’t going to get behind those of us who are taking a responsible position on the issues we may need to look at implementing a greater degree of regulatory oversight on what they broadcast.”

In related news, the Obama Administration announced a new initiative against online extremism. “As events of the last week have shown, anti-government extremists were nearly successful in their bid to prevent an increase in the debt ceiling,” observed Press Secretary Jay Carney. “This type of terrorism is exacerbated by virtually costless communication over the Internet and Twitter. The President’s approval of a stepped up surveillance of traffic in these media will enable a more timely and forceful intervention to suppress this threat in the future.”

President Planning Bus Tour

Citing the need to counter the “baleful influence” of former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s bus tour, the Obama Administration announced that the President will soon embark upon his own “Jobs for America” bus tour.

One objective of the tour will be an attempt to build popular support for another extension of unemployment benefits. “Unemployment compensation is a key component of the President’s program for a transformed America,” said Press Secretary Jay Carney. “Not everyone who is out of work can find a job. Nor should we expect them to. The notion that every person ought to be required to support himself is an anachronism. We may have to reconcile ourselves to accommodating a tenth of the workforce being permanently unemployed. Other countries have done this. To make this more bearable it is essential that the unemployed be able to rely on the government for sustenance.”

Unlike Palin’s bus tour, Obama’s will be funded by taxpayers—a fact that Carney found boast-worthy. “Voters should consider the differences between the President and this leading ‘wanna be,’” Carney urged. “Do they want to back someone who impetuously resigns her government position and then has to pay for her own travel? Or do they prefer someone who has the sense to let the government pick up the tab?”

The prospect that the President’s bus tour is likely to boost campaign donations for his reelection bid was deemed “gravy” by Carney. “I should think the President’s enemies would be pleased that he will be seeking private donations for his reelection during this trip,” Carney said. “After all, he could issue an Executive Order appropriating funds for his reelection campaign from the federal treasury if he wanted to.”

President Garners Early Reelection Endorsement

Saying that the stakes are too high to risk any delay, the Communist Party of the United States came out with a ringing endorsement of a second term for President Obama.

“President Obama has done more for the advancement of progressive values than any other person who has held the office,” asserted Sam Webb, chairman of the Communist Party USA. “We can not envision a better champion of our cause at this crucial juncture of American history. Four more years should cement into place the policies and institutions needed for transforming the country into a truly socialist state—the necessary next stage of development toward the final destination of full communism.”

Acknowledging that winning reelection for Obama won’t be easy, Webb urged all progressives to “not shirk from the difficult, dangerous, and dirty work that may be required. Reactionary elements epitomized by the so-called Tea Party will not yield without a fight. We all must be willing to do whatever it takes to ensure a favorable outcome in November of 2012.”

Among those urged not to shirk by Webb was President Obama himself. “The President must not be passive,” Webb insisted. “He holds in his hands considerable power to effect the desired results. The full resources of the government must be deployed to suppress opposition and nurture support.”

President Says “Democracy” Holding Back Progress

President Barack Obama cited the lengthy battle over the debt ceiling as “evidence of the need for more radical reform of the way we do business in this country.”

“Democracy isn’t always a good thing,” Obama suggested. “Members of Congress are elected by vastly divergent constituencies. The institution is incapable of speaking with one voice. Consequently, precious time was lost by the requirement to gain legislative approval for what we all knew needed to be done. It wasn’t bad just for me. Members of Congress had to put in long hours arguing over minutia that ultimately won’t matter. They could’ve spent that time enjoying life, recreating, being with their families.”

The President characterized the debt ceiling legislation’s “Council of 12” as a step in the right direction. “One good thing that came out of this struggle was a provision to streamline the legislative process,” Obama said. “Instead of having to deal with 100 senators and 400 representatives, a council of 12 members will have plenary powers to control future spending and taxes. Thankfully, none of those who voted against the debt ceiling bill are eligible to serve on this council. So, while we haven’t completely freed ourselves from the impediments of Congress we have significantly reduced its impact.”

“I am optimistic that if things go according to plan we will after 2012 achieve a more unified governing process,” the President added.

State Senator Apologizes for Mafia Slur

Saying that she wasn’t too proud to admit a mistake, New York State Senator Diane Savino (D-North Shore/Brooklyn) apologized for calling the Tea Party “the new mafia.”

“Since my remarks a lot of people have told me that my comparison was unfair,” Savino said. “The mafia has made some positive contributions to our society that they don’t get enough credit for. They provide services and products that others are afraid to provide because they’re illegal. They stimulate the employment of police officers as well as help supplement the incomes of our men in blue.”

“In contrast, the Tea Party’s reign of terror has no offsetting benefits,” Savino continued. “Their attempt to hijack the government by cutting off its cash flow is a threat to every American. So, if there are any mafia members out there who were offended, I extend my most sincere apologies.”

President Deflects Criticism of Birthday Bash

Critics who suggest that his extraordinarily expensive 50th birthday party celebration might be inappropriate given the current state of the economy were brushed off by President Obama.

“First of all, as we’ve been saying for the last two years, spending is what stimulates the economy,” Obama pointed out. “The more everyone spends, the better off we’ll all be.”

“Second, I don’t think the American people want to see their President suffer,” Obama went on. “I reject the idea that ‘misery loves company’ and I believe that most Americans do too. They are humble enough to gain vicarious pleasure from knowing that as bad as things might be for them, their President is spared from pain.”

“Finally, even if I were to concede that the event is unacceptably extravagant, I am not the one paying for it,” Obama concluded. “No one can rightfully accuse me of wasting my money on frivolity. If my friends and supporters want to buy me a big party it’d be rude of me to say no.”

In related news, an unidentified spokesman defended the use of non-union labor at the President’s birthday party saying that the money saved boosts the net return for the President’s reelection campaign fund.

Gore Calls for American “Arab Spring”

Former Vice-President Al Gore says he takes encouragement from the so-called “Arab Spring” protests against tyranny that have sprung up in the Muslim countries of the Middle East.

“If young people can stand up against a government that shoots them down in the street, then I think there’s hope that the young people of America can rally against the oppressive and incompetent Obama Regime here,” Gore surmised. “I don’t believe that President Obama would dare call on troops to fire on American protestors. But even if he did the American people might finally get the message that they made a big mistake in 2008. I thought Bush was bad, but Obama is a total disaster from virtually every perspective.”

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