By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Representative Maxine Waters (D-Calif.) took President Obama to task for “being too nice to his enemies.”
“We are at war for the soul of this country,” Waters argued. “Yet, the president insists on treating those who oppose him as if they are just friends who disagree. I mean, playing golf with Boehner, inviting the boys over to watch the Super Bowl and drink beer—this is ‘pussyfooting.’”
Waters called on Obama to “show an iron fist” and “to crush the opposition under the heel of his boot.” “These people are trying to kill him,” Waters ranted. “He’s got to get them before they get him.
It’s as simple as that.”
The Congresswoman said she was generally pleased with the President’s “jobs bill,” but that there were still some unanswered questions about it. “I love the president,” Waters said, “But I still need to know where’s my money in his bill? He shouldn’t be taking the support of fellow Democrats for granted. We need to get paid.”
In related news, former Ways & Means Chairman, Representative Charles Rangel (D-N.Y.) was be honored by his peers in a ceremony at the House of Representatives this past week. It’s quite a turnaround from the censure Rangel received last year for tax evasion from these same peers. “To be fair, the censure may have been a bit too harsh,” said former Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “Most of his tax evasion occurred during the Bush Administration—a time when I think we can all agree that tax dollars were being misused by an out-of-control regime. So, in a way, Charlie was merely diverting funds that otherwise would’ve been mostly wasted.”
Connecticut Daycare Providers Forcibly Unionized
Saying that he was “tired of waiting for the ‘pantywaists’ in the legislature to get off their ‘duffs’ and take action on this issue,” Democratic and Working Families Party Governor Dannel Malloy issued two Executive Orders that will force daycare providers and home healthcare workers in Connecticut to join unions.
“The right of workers to organize is inalienable,” Malloy asserted. “It cannot be left up to individuals to decide for themselves whether unionization would be beneficial on a case-by-case basis. If bargaining leverage is to be maximized solidarity is essential. Everyone must pull together for the benefit of the whole. The false consciousness of atomistic individualism must not be permitted to impede necessary collective action.”
The compulsory unionization of these workers is expected to yield over $1 million in union dues, an outcome that Malloy hailed as “a key factor in ensuring that the representatives of the working class will have the resources needed to continue to effectively influence future electoral results.”
The move is part of “a series of triumphs for the working people of this state,” Malloy boasted. The most notable previous “triumph” engineered by the Governor was the largest tax hike in the state’s history. The tax hike was made retroactive—a feature that “prevented the opportunity for income earners to avoid taxes by altering behavior,” Malloy pointed out. “We totally neutralized the risk that higher tax rates would lead to lower revenue yields. The ‘Laffer Curve’ argument has been convincingly defeated once and for all.”
Senate Candidate Rejects Individualism
Massachusetts Democratic Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren dismissed the GOP’s “class warfare” criticism of President Obama’s push for tax increases as “founded on fantastical notions about individual rights.”
“The argument that people somehow have a ‘right’ to keep what they earn is totally bogus,” Warren contended. “In our complex economy it takes cooperation to produce anything. Who can say what anybody has ‘earned?’”
Rather than leave the allocation of rewards to what she characterized as “the arbitrary whims of the market,” Warren argued for a “socially determined distribution of the jointly produced output.”
“Wouldn’t it be more equitable for the people’s democratically elected representatives to decide how the nation’s collectively generated wealth ought to be divied up?” Warren rhetorically asked.
Warren pledged that if she is elected to replace Republican Senator Scott Brown she will work to transform the economy from it current mode of “taking” to a more humane mode of “giving.” “The idea that anyone can freely take money under the pretense of free enterprise must be replaced by an acceptance of a system of socially conscious giving. As the representative of the social whole, the government must assume the responsibility for overseeing this giving and ensuring that each person receives his or her fair share.”
In other Massachusetts news, Democratic Governor Duval Patrick brushed off being caught driving in his SUV during the “car-free” week he himself had declared. “What one individual does is inconsequential,” Patrick insisted. “It’s the collective response that’s critical. If enough people leave their cars at home we all benefit.”
Patrick argued that “the Governor’s need for mobility has to take precedence over mindless adherence to a public relations gimmick. I can’t afford to waste my time riding on a bus.” He also suggested that he and his chauffer constituted a “car pool,” and thereby basically met the intent of his anti-automobile proclamation.
Dispute over $16 Muffins Heats Up
The revelation that the U.S. Department of Justice has been paying exorbitant prices for food and drink ($16 apiece for muffins and $8 a cup for coffee) at official functions sparked a heated exchange between Congressional critics and Administration officials.
Senator Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) labeled the outlays “extravagant and wasteful. We’re in a recession. The budget is in a big hole. Families have to scrimp and save. What kind of a message does this sort of ‘lord of the manor’ attitude toward federal spending send?”
Representative Frank Wolf (R-Va), who chairs the House appropriations subcommittee that oversees the Justice Department, also condemned the expenditures as inappropriate. “How can we tolerate splurging on snacks at a time when taxpayers are forced to tighten their belts?”
Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney called the criticisms “off-base” and “incredibly wrongheaded.” “Economists all agree that the remedy for recession is higher spending,” Carney maintained. “Quibbling over the prices paid is, at best, nonsensical nitpicking. As Keynes pointed out long ago, spending the money is what counts. Whether anything of value in the tradition sense is obtained in exchange is irrelevant.”
“The speed at which money can be pumped into the economy is crucial,” Carney continued. “From this perspective, paying $16 for a muffin is far more effective than laying out the more typical $2 that the average person might pay for such an item. That the government has the wherewithal and the sense to do this is something we should all be thankful for.”
Senator Says New Yorkers Should Pay Lower Federal Tax Rates
Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) maintains that current federal tax rates are unfair to his state’s residents.
“Tax rates that are fair in Mississippi aren’t fair in New York,” Schumer said. “New Yorkers face a much higher cost of living than people in other states. New York’s state income taxes are higher. Sales taxes are higher. Property taxes are through the roof. New Yorkers need a break.”
The Senator acknowledged that his position seems to clash with President Obama’s assertion that the rich aren’t paying their fair share. “New Yorkers are richer,” Schumer admitted. “But they are also, for the most part, reliable Democratic voters. The President shouldn’t be pushing policies that penalize them.”
Schumer suggested that some sort of indexing for state and local tax rates should be incorporated into the federal tax code. “States that show less of an effort to tax their citizens should pay higher federal taxes than states that have made the effort,” Schumer argued. “New Yorkers shouldn’t have to suffer just because other states aren’t doing all they can to extract the maximum in taxes from their residents.”
Administration Rebuffs Contentions that it Mistreated Women
A claim in Ron Suskind’s book, Confidence Men: Wall Street, Washington and the Education of a President, that the Obama Administration created a hostile workplace for his female advisors was met with denials from current White House Budget Director Jack Lew.
“The contention that the President or any of his male appointees would denigrate these women in any way is mistaken. To the contrary, we all had a broad amount of respect for these ladies,” Lew said as he struggled to suppress a titter over his use of the word “broad.”
Former head of the Council of Economic Advisers Christina Romer’s complaint, quoted in Suskind’s book, that she “felt like a piece of meat” was denounced as “inaccurate” and “unwarranted.”
“You can’t take what a disgruntled former employee says as the gospel truth,” Lew warned. “Comments get taken out of context. Disagreements are blown up into accusations of disrespect. The bottom line is that Barack Obama is America’s ruler. He can say and do whatever he wants. It’s our job to make him look good. If that requires the sacrifice of a little of one’s self respect, well, as professionals, we need to recognize that it’s all part of the job at the White House these days.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News