By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Despite unanimous polling trends showing increasing dissatisfaction with his job performance, President Obama says he’s confident he’ll come out on top after the ballots are counted in November 2012.
“In 2008 I was a virtual nobody,” Obama recalled. “Now I’m the president. Just being the president gives you a big leg up on all the up-and-coming nobodies who want to take your place. Consequently, I’d have to say that the odds of me being re-elected are much higher than the odds of me being elected in the first place.”
The president boasted that “my ideas are the key. I have more of them than anyone I know. Just ask my staff. For every idea we’ve tried that hasn’t worked there are at least a dozen more waiting in line for their turn. I think voters will appreciate my intellectual fertility compared to the GOP’s simplistic message.”
Obama advisor David Axelrod echoed the President’s confidence. “The lower taxes/less government mantra that the Republicans are trying to sell doesn’t resonate with the average American,” Axelrod contended. “Voters want a government that cares enough to try. I mean, isn’t it better to be in the barrel with the guy who has the nerve to tackle Niagara Falls than to be ‘nay-saying’ from the sidelines?”
“Plus, let’s not overlook the considerable advantages that incumbency has for President Obama,” Axelrod added. “For example, his recent Executive Order granting amnesty to illegal immigrants gives him a lock on the Hispanic vote. And he’s got more than a year to further tilt the playing field in his favor.”
Dems Push Bill for Unlimited Debt
Contending that “the very idea of a debt ceiling for federal borrowing places unacceptable restraints upon government,” three Democratic Representatives—Jim Moran (VA), Hank Johnson (GA) and Jerry Nadler (NY)—have introduced legislation that would bar any limits on the amount that could be borrowed.
“We should never permit a lack of money to prevent the government from taking whatever action may be needed for the betterment of our society,” Moran argued. “If the money isn’t already in-hand or can’t be obtained due to mindless opposition to higher taxes, the option of borrowing must not be infringed.”
Moran maintained that “the notion that there ought to be some sort of upper limit on the amount of resources the government has access to is archaic and inappropriate under a democratic Constitution. In America, the government is the people. There is no need for the people to hamper itself with this kind of constraint.”
“The mere existence of a debt ceiling allows the enemies of progressive policies to periodically divert voters’ attention away from the benefits of those policies by focusing an unwarranted emphasis on the costs,” Nadler said in support of the bill. “It encourages miserly, penny-pinching behavior that can only slow the pace of our nation’s transformation toward the attainment of social justice.”
In related news, Representative Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill) asserted that the President’s efforts to stimulate the economy have failed “because they weren’t big enough. We show too much trepidation when it comes to spending. Too many of my colleagues get squeamish over taking money from taxpayers to fund government programs. The reality is that the average American has far more money than he needs. The real crime is that we let these people keep money that would be better spent if it were in the government’s hands.”
Dept of Energy Rushing to Beat Deadline
Unfazed by the high-profile bankruptcy of Solyndra—a recipient of over $500 million in federal loan guarantees—the Obama Department of Energy is rushing to complete as many as 15 more loan guarantees before a September 30th deadline arrives.
“If you just read the headlines you’d think that our program is a colossal waste,” Secretary of Energy Steven Chu complained. “What the headlines don’t tell you is that even if we never recover the money we lent to Solyndra, we still helped provide 1100 ‘green jobs’ there for two years. We must not lose sight of that.”
To-date, the president’s “green jobs” initiative has funded an estimated 3500 new jobs at a cost of around $5 million each. Chu acknowledged that “on the surface it seems that we have missed our target. We had hoped to create 65,000 new jobs at a cost of around $500,000 each. Nevertheless, the 3500 we did create is more than any other Administration has achieved. It should inspire us to press ahead, not turn back.”
In related news, John Silver who heads the DOE’s “green jobs” loan program claimed that the blame for the Solyndra bankruptcy should be placed on the Bush Administration. “They’re the ones that vetoed Solyndra’s loan before we even got here,” Silver pointed out. “If they had okayed it we wouldn’t have had to deal with it and people wouldn’t now be blaming us. It’s not fair, but I suppose it goes with the territory.”
NYC Mayor Says “Pass the President’s Jobs Bill”
New York City’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg warned that “there could be dire consequences if we don’t pass President Obama’s jobs bill. Look, the President has made it clear that if we love him we’ll pass the bill. This means that refusing to pass the bill is tantamount to hating him, which, I believe, is a felony.”
The mayor says he admires Obama’s “pluck.” “The guy may have laid one egg after another, what with all the bailouts and stimulus spending flushing billions down the drain, but at least he’s trying,” Bloomberg said, contrasting the President’s approach with what he labeled a “do-nothing” Congress. “Even bad ideas are better than no ideas. I think the suggestion that the government should back off before it does more harm represents the worst kind of defeatism. Did FDR back off when his programs failed? No, he kept on going until World War II came along to rescue the economy. We need to do the same today.”
Bloomberg characterized resistance to the President’s request as a “threat to our domestic tranquility. There’ll be rioting in the streets like there was in Cairo and Madrid. Not only would our police be powerless to stop it, they might well join in. I know I’d be sorely tempted to do so if I were in their position.”
DOJ Defends Bad Grammar
The Obama Department of Justice has ruled that Arizona school districts may not dismiss teachers who have poor grammar skills.
“In an ideal world we would hope that those teaching our children would be able to set a good example,” said Attorney General Eric Holder. “In the real world we must make compromises.”
Holder pointed out that “the rules of grammar are only a convention. Non-discrimination is the law. There should be no question in our minds over which takes precedence. Besides, grammar evolves through usage. Who’s to say what will be considered appropriate in the future? What the law says right now is nobody can be fired for how he talks the English language.”
In related news, scores on the reading portion of the SAT college entrance exam fell to their lowest level on record. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan advised that “we not let this seemingly bad news weigh us down too much. The ability to read the printed word is not as critical as it once was. Given the great advances in graphic media we’ve seen in recent years, it should be apparent that a person can get along quite well even if his reading comprehension doesn’t measure up to what his parents were able to do.”
California Governor Slams GOP
Angry at the failure of his tax and jobs plan to gain enough support in the state legislature, California’s Governor Jerry Brown (D) tore into Republicans for what he termed their “unconstitutional delegation of power.” Brown said that several Republican state senators told him they would like to vote for his package, but wouldn’t for fear of voter disapproval.
“Since when do voters have the right to intimidate legislators on how to vote?” Brown asked. “The State Constitution clearly grants the decision on tax bills to members of the legislature. Republicans shouldn’t be using such a lame excuse and voters should but out.”
NYC Election Shocker
In New York City, Democrats lost a congressional seat that had been continuously held by the Party since 1923. The defeated Democrat—David Weprin—blamed Obama: “It’s pretty simple, the President wrecked the economy and I took the lumps for it. I’d advise any Democrat who hopes to survive the 2012 election to put as much distance as he can between himself and the President.”
Representative Henry Waxman (D-Calif) distanced himself from Weprin and denied that the President should bear any part of the blame, attributing the outcome, instead, to “Jewish greed.” “The President is trying to achieve a more equitable distribution of wealth in this country,” Waxman asserted. “This Congressional district has a heavy proportion of wealthy Jewish voters who don’t want to share with those less fortunate.”
Democratic National Committee chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz also absolved Obama of any blame, calling the outcome “a fluke borne of frustration with high unemployment that people have wrongly attributed to the President because he hasn’t been able to fix it. Nobody can. That’s the new reality we have to accept.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News