By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
A Gallup poll showing 64% of American voters blaming the federal government for the poor state of the economy vs. only 30% blaming Wall Street has leading Democrats in a tizzy. Possibly even more shocking was the finding that more Democrats blame Washington than Wall Street (49% to 46%). The only segment of voters to blame Wall Street more were those in sympathy with the Occupy Wall Street protest (54% to 44%).
Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Representative Debbie Wassserman-Schultz (Fla) called the voters’ responses “insane.” “The government didn’t layoff all those unemployed, private employers did,” she asserted. “It’s the private sector that continues to refuse to hire people despite the government’s best efforts to stimulate the economy. What can these people be thinking?”
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) was similarly befuddled. “Look at what the government has done over the last three years,” Reid urged. “We’ve enacted new health benefits for the uninsured. We’ve extended unemployment compensation to 99 weeks. We’ve boosted federal outlays for infrastructure and other items by over a trillion dollars. Meanwhile, businesses are selfishly cutting back their hiring because they say more workers aren’t needed or that they’re unaffordable. They’re not being ‘team players’ in the President’s ‘game plan’ to revive America. Why can’t voters see that?”
Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney pointed a finger at the media for “making it seem like everything is the President’s fault. I mean, he’s been trying to follow the Constitution and get Congress involved, but Republicans have blocked every initiative. Why should he have to take the blame for their inaction?”
Carney held out hope that Obama’s recent moves to bypass Congress by enacting needed measures via Executive Orders would turn things around. “If the normal ways aren’t open, then new paths must be explored,” Carney suggested. “The President isn’t going to allow mere formalism to prevent him from doing what he thinks is necessary. Maybe voters will come to appreciate his flexibility and innovation in the only poll that matters come November of next year.”
In related news, Wassserman-Schultz warned against Republican efforts to cut taxes. “While it should be obvious to everyone that the government is starving for resources, first Cain then Perry have come forward with idiotic plans aimed at hamstringing our ability to raise revenues with their ‘tax simplification’ ideas,” she said. “These are thinly veiled attempts to impede the government’s access to the nation’s wealth. That such ideas are being promoted at this critical time conveys an anti-government message that some might consider treason.”
Carter Forecasts Obama Win in 2012
Former President Jimmy Carter confidently predicted the reelection of President Obama next year. Carter accredited his confidence to “the fact that all of the GOP contenders are so far outside of the mainstream that voters will fear to turn over the awesome powers of the presidency to such extremists.”
Carter characterized the Republican opposition to what he termed the President’s efforts to create a “more caring and nurturing role for government.” “The notion that individuals want to or are capable of managing for themselves is out of date and out of step with where the American people want to go,” Carter contended. “The modern world is too complex for important decisions to be left up to the individual.”
As an example, the former president cited health care. “Does the average person have the knowledge to determine what medications or therapies he ought to take?” Carter asked. “Does he have the perspective to decide whether or not society can afford to invest in expensive treatments? I think most voters will recognize that the answer is no. In this light I think they’ll come to appreciate the President’s bid to relieve them of these vexatious tasks with his healthcare reform legislation and reward him with a second term.”
President Bypasses “Do Nothing” Congress
Frustrated with his inability to get crucial reelection spending bills through Congress, President Obama has issued Executive Orders revamping federal aid for home mortgages and student loans. Under the President’s reforms the amounts that borrowers have to repay are reduced and may ultimately be forgiven.
In the president’s mortgage loan revisions, homeowners who would otherwise default on their loans will be lent amounts up to 150% of the value of their homes. Obama called this a “logical and necessary step if we are to fulfill our obligation to ensure that American families are adequately housed. Just because people can’t afford to pay doesn’t mean they should be forced to leave their homes.
Insisting that they should puts profit ahead of need in the scale of values. This is social injustice. I cannot permit it.”
On student loans, the President’s policy lowers the monthly amount students have to repay and forgives repayment if it can’t be accomplished within 20 years. “Educating the young has been a prime requirement of our society for over 100 years,” the President said. “Drawing an arbitrary line at age 18 or high school graduation is unacceptable. Our increasingly complex world demands an increasingly educated population. The burden of paying for this education should not be foisted off on those willing to undertake the effort to learn. Ideally, all education should be free. However, given the mishmash of fees and debts that currently exist this is the best I can do for now.”
U.S., Secretary of Education Arne Duncan hailed the President’s reform of the student loan program as a step in the right direction. “Getting through college is hard enough on its own without adding the extra responsibility of paying for it onto the backs of the students,” Duncan maintained. “It’s time that the rest of society picked up its fair share of this burden.”
The president warned voters that similar bold actions were not likely should he be defeated for reelection. “If there’s one message that should be clear it’s that Republicans don’t care about people,” he contended. “If they win, you’ll be on your own. They’re like the dad that tells you if you want to go to the movies get a job. I’m like the dad that says here’s $20, have a good time. Voters should keep this in mind when they go to the polls.”
Occupy Wall Street Miffed by “Freeloaders”
The protest on Wall Street is chafing under an unwanted “infiltration from below.” It seems that while the focus of the protest has been aimed at transferring wealth from the 1% above to the “deserving” 99% below, uninvited lower echelons of the 99%–namely the homeless vagrants that infest many American cities are showing up for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Sharla Tane, one of the Occupy Wall Street cooking staff, complained that “our hard work is being filched by spongers looking for a free meal.” The problem isn’t prejudice, Tane insisted. “I mean, we’re not against government helping the poor. In fact, that’s one of our demands. But it’s not our job.”
“This protest is for people to express their revolutionary consciousness, to promote the transformation of America that President Obama promised,” Tane argued. “These bums don’t know anything about revolution. They can’t tell the difference between proletariat and provolone. They’re just here to take our food.”
Refusing to serve the homeless interlopers is problematic. At this stage of the protest many of the genuine revolutionaries are quite aromatic and disheveled—living in tents, going without bathing and defecating in the streets. Distinguishing them from the filthy homeless is no easy task. Even when such distinctions can be made there is the risk that those denied free food may just decide to seize it themselves—an outcome that the revolutionaries would find it hard to condemn given the “eat the rich” rhetoric they’ve been spouting.
In related news, Massachusetts Democratic senatorial candidate Elizabeth Warren claims she is the brain behind the Occupy Wall Street movement. “I created the intellectual foundation behind what they are doing,” Warren boasted. “Redistributing wealth from the rich to the poor—that was my idea. Giving people free stuff instead of making them pay for everything—that was my idea, too.” Warren asked for the state’s voters to elect her to replace Senator Scott Brown so that “I can help make these great ideas the law of the land.”
Obama’s Tough Foreign Policy Lauded
The toppling of Muammar Gadaffi combined with earlier strikes against al-Qaeda has sparked praise for President Obama’s leadership from both sides of the political divide.
US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called the President’s moves against bin Laden and Gadaffi “smart.” “In two terms Bush couldn’t find hide nor hair of bin Laden,” Clinton observed. “But in a little over two years, President Obama had him bagged, tagged, and disposed of. It’s quite a feather in his cap.”
As for Gadaffi, “by providing a little support and encouragement, President Obama was able to inspire Libyan insurgents to overthrow his regime, sodomize him and kill him with no loss of American lives. This tops Bush’s much more costly effort to bring down Saddam Hussein.”
Arizona Senator John McCain (R) was similarly impressed. “His use of a Seal Team, drones, and local proxy fighters shows an ingenuity and effectiveness that reinforces the voters’ decision to entrust him with the office,” McCain remarked. “America’s enemies, whether they be in the Kremlin or Beijing, should have pause before they cross him lest they be next to feel his wrath.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News