Dems Dismayed by Poll Results

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

A Gallup poll showing 64% of American voters blaming the federal government for the poor state of the economy vs. only 30% blaming Wall Street has leading Democrats in a tizzy. Possibly even more shocking was the finding that more Democrats blame Washington than Wall Street (49% to 46%). The only segment of voters to blame Wall Street more were those in sympathy with the Occupy Wall Street protest (54% to 44%).

Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Representative Debbie Wassserman-Schultz (Fla) called the voters’ responses “insane.” “The government didn’t layoff all those unemployed, private employers did,” she asserted. “It’s the private sector that continues to refuse to hire people despite the government’s best efforts to stimulate the economy. What can these people be thinking?”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) was similarly befuddled. “Look at what the government has done over the last three years,” Reid urged. “We’ve enacted new health benefits for the uninsured. We’ve extended unemployment compensation to 99 weeks. We’ve boosted federal outlays for infrastructure and other items by over a trillion dollars. Meanwhile, businesses are selfishly cutting back their hiring because they say more workers aren’t needed or that they’re unaffordable. They’re not being ‘team players’ in the President’s ‘game plan’ to revive America. Why can’t voters see that?”

Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney pointed a finger at the media for “making it seem like everything is the President’s fault. I mean, he’s been trying to follow the Constitution and get Congress involved, but Republicans have blocked every initiative. Why should he have to take the blame for their inaction?”

Carney held out hope that Obama’s recent moves to bypass Congress by enacting needed measures via Executive Orders would turn things around. “If the normal ways aren’t open, then new paths must be explored,” Carney suggested. “The President isn’t going to allow mere formalism to prevent him from doing what he thinks is necessary. Maybe voters will come to appreciate his flexibility and innovation in the only poll that matters come November of next year.”

In related news, Wassserman-Schultz warned against Republican efforts to cut taxes. “While it should be obvious to everyone that the government is starving for resources, first Cain then Perry have come forward with idiotic plans aimed at hamstringing our ability to raise revenues with their ‘tax simplification’ ideas,” she said. “These are thinly veiled attempts to impede the government’s access to the nation’s wealth. That such ideas are being promoted at this critical time conveys an anti-government message that some might consider treason.”

Carter Forecasts Obama Win in 2012

Former President Jimmy Carter confidently predicted the reelection of President Obama next year. Carter accredited his confidence to “the fact that all of the GOP contenders are so far outside of the mainstream that voters will fear to turn over the awesome powers of the presidency to such extremists.”

Carter characterized the Republican opposition to what he termed the President’s efforts to create a “more caring and nurturing role for government.” “The notion that individuals want to or are capable of managing for themselves is out of date and out of step with where the American people want to go,” Carter contended. “The modern world is too complex for important decisions to be left up to the individual.”

As an example, the former president cited health care. “Does the average person have the knowledge to determine what medications or therapies he ought to take?” Carter asked. “Does he have the perspective to decide whether or not society can afford to invest in expensive treatments? I think most voters will recognize that the answer is no. In this light I think they’ll come to appreciate the President’s bid to relieve them of these vexatious tasks with his healthcare reform legislation and reward him with a second term.”

President Bypasses “Do Nothing” Congress

Frustrated with his inability to get crucial reelection spending bills through Congress, President Obama has issued Executive Orders revamping federal aid for home mortgages and student loans. Under the President’s reforms the amounts that borrowers have to repay are reduced and may ultimately be forgiven.

In the president’s mortgage loan revisions, homeowners who would otherwise default on their loans will be lent amounts up to 150% of the value of their homes. Obama called this a “logical and necessary step if we are to fulfill our obligation to ensure that American families are adequately housed. Just because people can’t afford to pay doesn’t mean they should be forced to leave their homes.

Insisting that they should puts profit ahead of need in the scale of values. This is social injustice. I cannot permit it.”

On student loans, the President’s policy lowers the monthly amount students have to repay and forgives repayment if it can’t be accomplished within 20 years. “Educating the young has been a prime requirement of our society for over 100 years,” the President said. “Drawing an arbitrary line at age 18 or high school graduation is unacceptable. Our increasingly complex world demands an increasingly educated population. The burden of paying for this education should not be foisted off on those willing to undertake the effort to learn. Ideally, all education should be free. However, given the mishmash of fees and debts that currently exist this is the best I can do for now.”

U.S., Secretary of Education Arne Duncan hailed the President’s reform of the student loan program as a step in the right direction. “Getting through college is hard enough on its own without adding the extra responsibility of paying for it onto the backs of the students,” Duncan maintained. “It’s time that the rest of society picked up its fair share of this burden.”

The president warned voters that similar bold actions were not likely should he be defeated for reelection. “If there’s one message that should be clear it’s that Republicans don’t care about people,” he contended. “If they win, you’ll be on your own. They’re like the dad that tells you if you want to go to the movies get a job. I’m like the dad that says here’s $20, have a good time. Voters should keep this in mind when they go to the polls.”

Occupy Wall Street Miffed by “Freeloaders”

The protest on Wall Street is chafing under an unwanted “infiltration from below.” It seems that while the focus of the protest has been aimed at transferring wealth from the 1% above to the “deserving” 99% below, uninvited lower echelons of the 99%–namely the homeless vagrants that infest many American cities are showing up for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Sharla Tane, one of the Occupy Wall Street cooking staff, complained that “our hard work is being filched by spongers looking for a free meal.” The problem isn’t prejudice, Tane insisted. “I mean, we’re not against government helping the poor. In fact, that’s one of our demands. But it’s not our job.”

“This protest is for people to express their revolutionary consciousness, to promote the transformation of America that President Obama promised,” Tane argued. “These bums don’t know anything about revolution. They can’t tell the difference between proletariat and provolone. They’re just here to take our food.”

Refusing to serve the homeless interlopers is problematic. At this stage of the protest many of the genuine revolutionaries are quite aromatic and disheveled—living in tents, going without bathing and defecating in the streets. Distinguishing them from the filthy homeless is no easy task. Even when such distinctions can be made there is the risk that those denied free food may just decide to seize it themselves—an outcome that the revolutionaries would find it hard to condemn given the “eat the rich” rhetoric they’ve been spouting.

In related news, Massachusetts Democratic senatorial candidate Elizabeth Warren claims she is the brain behind the Occupy Wall Street movement. “I created the intellectual foundation behind what they are doing,” Warren boasted. “Redistributing wealth from the rich to the poor—that was my idea. Giving people free stuff instead of making them pay for everything—that was my idea, too.” Warren asked for the state’s voters to elect her to replace Senator Scott Brown so that “I can help make these great ideas the law of the land.”

Obama’s Tough Foreign Policy Lauded

The toppling of Muammar Gadaffi combined with earlier strikes against al-Qaeda has sparked praise for President Obama’s leadership from both sides of the political divide.

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called the President’s moves against bin Laden and Gadaffi “smart.” “In two terms Bush couldn’t find hide nor hair of bin Laden,” Clinton observed. “But in a little over two years, President Obama had him bagged, tagged, and disposed of. It’s quite a feather in his cap.”

As for Gadaffi, “by providing a little support and encouragement, President Obama was able to inspire Libyan insurgents to overthrow his regime, sodomize him and kill him with no loss of American lives. This tops Bush’s much more costly effort to bring down Saddam Hussein.”

Arizona Senator John McCain (R) was similarly impressed. “His use of a Seal Team, drones, and local proxy fighters shows an ingenuity and effectiveness that reinforces the voters’ decision to entrust him with the office,” McCain remarked. “America’s enemies, whether they be in the Kremlin or Beijing, should have pause before they cross him lest they be next to feel his wrath.”

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Christie Wrong about Homosexuality & Genetics

Fact Checking Alert!

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie claimed recently that homosexuality is genetic. Buying into ignorance, he said homosexuals are born that way. A Catholic, Gov. Christie also said homosexuals are not sinners.

But there is no evidence supporting claims of genetic causes, and it’s a sign of intellectual dishonesty to claim otherwise. And according to the divinely-inspired, inerrant Word of God, all men and women are sinners. And that’s because all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. In today’s politically correct, topsy-turvy, upside-down world, even homosexuals are sinners — like heterosexuals.

To clear the air, here’s the truth about the lack of evidence for genetic homosexuality:

Masters and Johnson reported that homosexuality is entirely a learned phenomenon without any physiological basis. They propose that persons are born with no particular predisposition toward either homosexuality or heterosexuality but simply with an undirected sexual potential, which then becomes channeled by various learning experiences in either a homosexual or a heterosexual direction.
William Masters and Virginia Johnson, “Homosexuality in Perspective,” (Little, Brown and Co.: Boston, 1979); Cited by: A. P. Bell, M. S. Weinberg, and S. K. Hammersmith, Sexual Preference (Bloomington: Indiana University Press, 1981).

The Human Genome Project identified all the genes in human DNA and found no homosexual gene. Evan Balaban, a neurobiologist at the Neurosciences Institute in San Diego, noted that the search for the biological underpinnings of complex human traits has a sorry history. In recent years, researchers and the media have proclaimed the “discovery” of genes linked to alcoholism and mental illness as well as to homosexuality. None of the claims has been confirmed (as quoted in Horgan, 1995). It is not scientifically accurate to refer to a “gay gene” as the causative agent in homosexuality.
Dr. Brad Harrub, Dr. Bert Thompson and Dr. Dave Miller, “A Scientific Examination of Homosexuality and the ‘Gay Gene,’” The True Origin Archive, (2003).

There is no evidence at present to substantiate a biologic theory. Critical review shows biological theory to be lacking.
W. Byne and B.Parsons, “Human Sexual Orientation: The Biological Theories Reappraised,” Archives of General Psychiatry 50 (3): 228-239. Cited by: Jeffrey Satinover, Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth (Grand Rapids: Baker Books,1996), p. 114.

Dr. Simon LeVay’s research (1991) centered on finding the difference between homosexual and heterosexual brains. The brains studied were from 41 cadavers; 26 of these men who had died from AIDS related diseases (19 homosexual men, six heterosexual men and one bisexual man). LeVay acknowledged that his results could be considered speculative and that sexual orientation may not be related to the difference in the size of the anterior hypothalamus of the cadavers. Simon LeVay, “A Difference in Hypothalamic Structure Between Heterosexual and Homosexual Men,” Science 253 (1991): 1,034-1036. LeVay said: “My study doesn’t actually even address whether one is ’born that way.’ I didn’t look at these people’s brains before they were born.” He also admitted that he co-founded the Gay and Lesbian Education organization in order to bring about change. Karen Oslund interview with Simon LeVay, “Of Brain Structures and Sexual Politics,” Harvard Gay and Lesbian Review, (1997, Winter), p. 21.

Dr. Bill Byne, a neuroanatomist and psychiatrist on the faculty at Mt. Sinai School of Medicine in New York, was unable to verify LeVay’s research. LeVay said he was disappointed at the lack of a resounding confirmation of a “gay gene.”
Keay Davidson, “No Easy Link Between Genes, Behavior DNA Studies Dash Quest for Easy Answers Genome’s link to behavior hard to prove,” San Francisco Chronicle, (2001, 13 February).

Dr. Simon LeVay said: “It’s important to stress what I didn’t find. I did not prove that homosexuality is genetic, or find a genetic cause for being gay. I didn’t show that gay men are born that way, the most common mistake people make in interpreting my work. Nor did I locate a gay center in the brain.” Furthermore, Dr. Dean Hamer said, “Homosexuality is not purely genetic … environmental factors play a role. There is not a single master gene that makes people gay.”
Dean Byrd, Shirley Cox and Jeffrey Robinson, “Homosexuality: The Innate-Immutability Argument Finds No Basis in Science,” The Salt LakeTribune, (2001, 27 May). Dr. Brad Harrub, Dr. Bert Thompson and Dr. Dave Miller, A Scientific Examination of Homosexuality and the “Gay Gene,” The True Origin Archive, (2003).

No single gene determines a particular behavior.
Joseph McInerney and Mark Rothstein, “What is Behavioral Genetics?”, Human Genome Project Information.

Established researchers Byne and Parsons and Friedman and Downey reviewed the studies linking biology and homosexual attraction. They concluded that there was no evidence to support an innate, biological theory. They claimed, rather, that homosexuality is best explained by a model where “tempera¬mental and personality traits interact with the familial and social milieu as the individual’s sexuali¬ty emerges.
James V. Heidinger II, “Thinking Clearly About Homosexuality,” Good News.

The homosexual advocacy group PFLAG (“Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays”) acknowledges that there is not a “gay gene”: “To date, no researcher has claimed that genes can determine sexual orientation. At best, researchers believe that there may be a genetic component. No human behavior, let alone sexual behavior, has been connected to genetic markers to date…sexuality, like every other behavior, is undoubtedly influenced by both biological and societal factors.”
Why Ask Why,” Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), 1995 Pamphlet addressing research on Homosexuality and Biology. Cited by: Dr. Nadia El-Awady. (2003). Homosexuality in a Changing World: Are We Being Misinformed? IslamOnline

When the claims of a “gay gene” were refuted scientifically, large publications buried the story. The New York Times ran the story on page 19: “Underscoring the difficulty scientists face in finding genes that underlie complex human behaviors, a team of researchers are reporting Friday that they have been unable to confirm a widely publicized study linking male homosexuality to a small region of one chromosome.”
Ericka Goode, “Study Questions Gene Influence on Male Homosexuality,” The New York Times (1999, 23 April).

Virtually none of the research projects dealing with a genetic basis for sexual orientation are without serious design or methodological deficits. Simon LeVay’s research does not establish whether possible brain differences are the result of genetically induced differences or behavior induced biological changes.
Dr. Donald Gabard, “Homosexuality and the Human Genome Project: Private and Public Choices,” Journal of Homosexuality 37 (1), (1999): 28, 29.

 

President Proud of Mistake-Free First Three Years

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Obama says he’s feeling pretty upbeat about his reelection chances despite the worst economy since the 1930s and polls showing that two-thirds of Americans disapprove of how he’s handled his job.

“On the surface things look bad,” Obama admitted. “But if voters dig deeper they’ll realize that I’ve really done a remarkable job. They’ll see that all the choices I’ve made have been the right ones.”

One of the right choices the President chose to mention was Obamacare, which he called “absolutely the right thing to do. Look, left to their own devices, too many people are neglecting to make the right decisions about their health. They’re eating poorly, not exercising enough, and aren’t going to the doctor when they should. This has to change and the legislation we passed is step one on the road to a healthier America.”

The president also defended his economic policies, insisting that “those who’re focusing on the unemployment rate are missing the big picture. Government can’t and shouldn’t try to ensure prosperity.

Booms and busts are just things that happen. No one can control them. What government can do, though, is try to ensure that everybody gets their fair share of the pie. Those who have more than their fair share must give back some so that others can enjoy a better life. My policy on this has been consistent.”

“I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished and I’m confident that voters will appreciate what I’ve done for them,” Obama concluded.

In related news, radio host Tom Joyner urged African-Americans to get behind Obama’s reelection effort. “Let’s not even deal with the facts right now. Let’s deal with just our blackness and pride—and loyalty. A defeat for President Obama would be a triumph for racism. It will be used to claim that his victory in 2008 was a mistake.”

Vice-President Threatens Crime Rampage

Vice-President Joe Biden warned that America faces a surge in robberies, rapes, and murders if the president’s so-called jobs bill isn’t passed.

“Government is the only thing that can dampen man’s natural inclination to rob, rape, and murder his fellow human beings,” Biden contended. “The President’s jobs bill addresses this problem by providing one year of federal funding for local governments to hire more police officers.”

According to Biden, “the recession aggravates man’s predatory instincts. Time that previously was tied up working for wages is freed for opportunities to prey upon the weak. The need for more police is even greater when unemployment is high.”

Contrary to the vice-president’s theory, though, crime has declined since the recession began. In 2007, there were 1.4 million violent crimes (murder, rape and robbery)—a rate of 472 per 100,000 population. In 2010, there were 1.2 million—a rate of 404 per 100,000 population. Property crimes have also declined from 9.9 million in 2007 (3276 per 100,000 population ) to 9.1 million in 2010 (2942 per 100,000 population).

Diaper Act Pushed

Representative Rosa DeLauro (D-Conn) is championing a bill she calls the Diaper Investment and Aid to Promote Economic Recovery Act (DIAPER Act). The bill would provide free diapers to the poor. DeLauro says the proposed law is “necessary to ensure that the poor have access to diapers.”

Though there are government programs that provide monetary stipends to qualifying poor persons, DeLauro insists that this is insufficient to achieve the desired hygiene goals. “The money we’re giving the poor now doesn’t guarantee that their babies will be properly diapered,” she pointed out. “That money could easily be spent on liquor or crack cocaine just like food stamps are.”

“People are poor because they make bad choices,” DeLauro continued. “We need to eliminate those bad choices by making more of their decisions for them. Providing the actual physical object needed by their children is a step in the right direction.”

DeLauro characterized her bill as “a beginning, not an end. Ultimately, government will have to undertake a much greater role in rearing the children of this nation.” The Congresswoman said she can foresee a future where all families’ needs are explicitly provided for by the state. “Poor people aren’t the only ones messing up the lives of their children. Too many parents pass on too many bad habits and prejudices. Remediating this must be part of our task to make a better America.”

Democrat Stresses Importance of Maintaining Public Sector Employment

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) says “the high unemployment rate in the private sector is not something I worry about. Do I wish it were lower? Sure, but it’s not anything I lose sleep over.”

What Reid does lose sleep over is unemployment in the public sector. “What really concerns me is whether government has sufficient funds to provide vital services,” Reid said. “Most of the private sector is engaged in supplying what I consider the frills in our society—things that people could easily get along without in a pinch. For example, do people really need to eat in restaurants or stay in hotels? People can make do with ‘staycations’ when times are tough. There’s no real need to fly or drive somewhere just to fritter away some time at a resort.”

Reid contrasted the relative frivolity of much of private sector spending with what he termed “the life’s blood of the public sector.” “We need government to guide the essential decisions of society,” Reid asserted. “How are cities and states expected to regulate land use, control business hours, monitor smoking bans and limit consumers’ poor dietary decisions if public budgets aren’t maintained?”

Since the onset of the recession, the private sector has lost 6.3 million jobs (about 5.4%). Over the same span, the public sector has lost 392,000 jobs (about 1.8%).

In related news, President Obama justified using federal funds to pay for his recent reelection campaign bus tour on the grounds that “protecting a sitting president from those who seek to depose him is a legitimate government expenditure. As Jesse Jackson said to me the other day, if we can pay to protect a president from hostile bullets why shouldn’t we pay to protect him from hostile ballots.”

Wall Street Dems Urged to Remain Calm

Complaints from the Democratic Party’s Wall Street donors were brushed off by White House Press Secretary Jay Carney this week. The complaints arose after President Obama and the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee called for Party members to support the Occupy Wall Street protest against capitalism.

“We know how this must sound to them,” Carney acknowledged. “But they have to understand the President’s position. He’s in a tough fight for his reelection. He may have to say things that seem scary to these guys. All that matters is whether he wins. When he does he won’t forget his friends. They have nothing to fear.”

Many of the investment bankers aren’t so sure they have nothing to fear. “Once he’s reelected he won’t need any more campaign donations from us,” observed Peter Pelf, CEO of Chatte Grosse Bank and Trust. Pelf says he is hedging his bets this time. “I figure if I give to Romney as well as Obama I’ll be covered no matter what.”

In related news, a canvass of views at the Occupy Wall Street protest found that 30% would resort to violence if needed to force political change. “Well, if we’re going to eat the rich, logically, we’d have to kill them first,” said a protester calling herself Sara Sunshine. Dirk Steel, another protester, recalled “Lenin taught us that you can’t make a revolution without cracking some heads.”

Zbiginew Brzezinski, former national security adviser for President Jimmy Carter, suggested that the names and addresses of the “rich” should be made public so that the “dispossessed could more easily find them and personally effect the kind of income redistribution President Obama has promised.”

Obama Campaign Advisor Says “Cain Not a Serious Contender”

Senior Obama adviser David Axelrod dismissed Herman Cain’s chance for ever becoming president.

“Look, he has too many strikes against him,” Axelrod argued. “First, there is no way that a Black man can be nominated by the Republicans. The GOP is a white man’s Party—of the white man, by the white man and for the white man. Always has been, always will be. This just simple history for you.”

“Second, Cain is out of step with the Black people of this country,” Axelrod added. “It has been said by others, his story is not the typical Black man’s story. His notion that hard work is the path to success doesn’t resonate with the vast majority of Blacks. He won’t get their votes because he has nothing to offer them in exchange.”

“Perhaps most importantly, he has no money,” Axelrod gloated. “How can we take him seriously if the people with money aren’t trying to buy a seat at his table? On top of all the free media time he’ll get, President Obama will raise an additional billion dollars, most of it from major players in business and banking, to fund his campaign. The only Republican who might garner a third as much is Mitt
Romney. Cain should quit before he gets hurt trying to run with the big boys.”

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Congressman Calls for Executive Action to Suppress Congressional Rebellion

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Contending that Congress’ failure to enact President Obama’s “Jobs Bill” amounts to “disloyalty to the duly authorized ruler of this nation,” Representative Jesse Jackson, Jr. (D-Ill) called for “extraordinary measures to restore orderly compliance with the steps the President deems necessary for the country.”

“No one can argue that these are not critical times for America,” Jackson said. “The time for disputation has passed. It is now time for action. Since Congress will not obey, the President must take the actions he thinks appropriate by using his executive powers unilaterally.”

Jackson sought to draw parallels with the secession crisis of 1861. “Just as Lincoln refused to tolerate the disobedience of the southern states, so too, must President Obama stand firm against the enemies of progressive reform.” Lincoln’s efforts to deal with secession included raising an army without Congressional approval, arresting opponents of his policies, and suppressing newspapers that editorialized against his Administration.

The specific action that Jackson urged Obama to take on the jobs issue was for the President to order that the 15 million who are unemployed be immediately hired by the federal government. The Congressman estimated that at a salary of $40,000/year, this would cost only $600 billion/year.

“The action needed is so simple and affordable that opposition can only stem from seditious motives,” Jackson insisted. Jackson dismissed objections that there would be no meaningful work for this new army of federal employees. “There’s certainly lots of things they could be doing to improve this country. They could pick up the litter that uglifies our streets and highways. They could provide domestic services like cooking and cleaning our homes. They could work in the fields planting, tending, and harvesting our crops. But even if they did nothing we’d still be injecting $600 billion of stimulus into the economy.”

Jackson wasn’t alone in casting Congressional refusal to pass the President’s jobs bill in stark terms. Representative Linda Sanchez (D-CA) called the GOP’s opposition “unpatriotic.” “They’re not concerned with our country’s economic well-being,” Sanchez maintained. “Their only goal is to defeat President Obama. They are enemies of America. The President should act accordingly.”

President Urges Egyptian Christians to Exercise Restraint

In the wake of a brutal massacre of nearly two dozen Coptic Christians by the Egyptian army, US President Barack Obama counseled the Egyptian Christian community to exercise restraint.

“I know that seeing loved ones crushed under tanks must be traumatic,” Obama acknowledged. “But you shouldn’t let the seeming transgressions of others divert you from the path decreed by your faith. Jesus taught that you should offer the other cheek to those who attack you. He also bade you to respect the authority of the government that rules over you. So, you are doubly warned against rising up against your tormenters.”

Obama also pointed out that “the means for living peaceably among your fellow Egyptians is at hand. By showing submission to their laws and paying the jizya you may deflect the penalties prescribed for unbelievers.” Even if repression is the policy against non-Muslims, Obama reminded Christians “let’s not forget that the trials and tribulations suffered by Christians under the Roman Empire allowed for a purer expression of the faith without the taint of worldly advantage.”

The president said he also wished that the Egyptian authorities would refrain from oppressing Christians, but held out little hope since “Islam encourages Muslims to slay unbelievers who won’t convert or submit to dhimmi status. I can’t really expect to persuade someone to act against his religion’s teaching.”

House Action Attempts to Block Federal Funding of Abortion

This week the House of Representatives passed a bill aimed at guaranteeing that no taxpayers’ funds will be used to pay for abortions. The 251 to 172 margin was mostly along Party lines.

Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced the bill as “a death warrant for every woman in America.” “Without federal funding women who want an abortion will have to pay for it themselves,” Pelosi complained. “Those who can’t afford to pay will be forced to have children they don’t want, perform ‘do-it-yourself’ abortions, or seek cheap ‘back alley’ practitioners. The result will be ruined lives. And for what?”

Pelosi argued that “a person’s fundamental rights should not be subjected to worrying over whether she can afford it. It is government’s obligation to provide the financial means to ensure that all can enjoy the same right to terminate their pregnancies regardless of their own income status.”

The Congresswoman dismissed objections from people who assert that they shouldn’t be forced via taxes to subsidize an act they consider murder. “We cannot let selfish individuals interfere with the rights of others,” Pelosi argued. “Collectively, this nation has decided that every woman has the right to abort her own child. No individual has the right to impede this decision. The desire to avoid paying for someone else’s exercise of her right to an abortion is just pure and simple greed.”

Gore Endorses “Occupy Wall Street” Movement

Former Vice-President Al Gore heartily endorsed the “Occupy Wall Street” movement pointing out that “the implementation of its demands would go a long way toward dismantling the industrial society that is the chief culprit in the disastrous global climate change we are experiencing.”

Gore hastened to clarify that he is “not against Wall Street, per se. There are a lot of good guys working there. Many of them have been key supporters of a progressive agenda. Let’s not forget, though, that the institution itself is a mechanism for raising the capital that underpins private investment and the market system. It is this system and the economic growth it facilitates that expands industry, increases consumer income and causes the environmental degradation that is threatening the planet.”

“Let’s face it, if more people would protest instead of grubbing for a living there’d be less green house gas for us to contend with,” Gore said. “Camping out in tents is much more environmentally friendly than bulldozing the landscape to build houses for people to live in. And say what you will about living off of handouts, at least it doesn’t scar the land like farming does. So, on balance, I’d say these protestors are on the right track.”

Frank Rebuts Gingrich Criticism

In this week’s Republican presidential candidate debate, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich blamed the 2008 financial crisis on “reforms” enacted through the efforts of former chairman of the House Financial Services Committee Barney Frank (D-Mass) and former Senate Banking Chairman Christopher Dodd (D-Conn). Gingrich suggested that the two ought to go to jail for their “crimes.”
Representative Frank defended his actions in support of the legislation that compelled banks to lend to untrustworthy borrowers as “well-intended,” and insisted that any blame for any bad outcomes really belongs to former President Bush because “he let me do it. He could’ve vetoed my bill. But he didn’t. Look, I’m just one member of a 435 member body. Any power I had pales in comparison with the power he had.”

TV Journalist Says Cain “Not Authentically Black”

MSNBC news show host Lawrence O’Donnell took GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain to task for what he called being “not authentically Black.”

“Get real Herman,” O’Donnell demanded. “Your rise from poverty to corporate success is not a typical Black man’s story. In fact, it sounds suspiciously white. How can you expect normal Black people to vote for you?”

Asked to describe a “typical Black man’s story,” O’Donnell suggested that “being raised by a single mother on welfare, living in a housing project, and getting busted for drugs would be something that a larger portion of the Black community could identify with.”

O’Donnell called Cain’s idea that hard work and initiative was a viable path out of poverty for anyone “as cockeyed a notion as I’ve ever heard. The deck is stacked against Black people. Our culture is a white culture. Hard work is a white value. A Black person can’t be expected to thrive under such conditions. Democrats recognize that Government has to provide for Black people’s needs. That’s why Obama, not you, will get the Black vote if they if it comes to that choice.”

Japan Reportedly Refused Obama Apology for WW II

Leaked confidential cables reveal that the Government of Japan declined to accept an offer of an apology for World War II from President Obama.

The grounds for rejecting the offered were reportedly twofold.

On the one hand, there was the question of credibility. Obama was seen as “a person who has given so many inappropriate apologies to unworthy recipients that the value of an apology from him on this issue is dubious.”

On the other hand, there was befuddlement. “We started the war. Its unsuccessful outcome was the fruit of our own inability to carry it through to a victorious conclusion. The shame is ours. No apology is warranted.”

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President Praises ‘Occupy Wall Street’ Protest

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

As the “Occupy Wall Street” protest entered its fourth week it received a ringing endorsement from President Obama who contrasted the protesters’ “sincerity” and “selflessness” with the “hypocrisy” and “self-serving greed” exhibited by the so-called “Tea Party.”

“The Wall Street protesters have put their whole selves into the fight for social justice,” Obama declared. “They’re not just showing up when it can be conveniently scheduled between working hours and tending to the kids like the right-wing opponents of my policies. They’re here day and night, rain or shine. Their dedication is a model of what it will take to transform America.”

It wasn’t only the methods of the protesters that the President found to his liking. Some of their specific policy prescriptions also met with his approval.

“As admirable as their tactics have been, let’s not overlook their refreshingly innovative ideas,” Obama urged. “A lot of them parallel what we’ve been trying to do with our stimulus program. Their call for a trillion dollars in additional infrastructure spending and another trillion in ‘green’ spending confirm that I’m on the right track.”

“Even better, their suggestion that the link between work and income be severed is a bold stride toward an ideal I thought was still off in the distant future,” the president enthused. “I mean, the biggest infringement on a person’s freedom is usually the hours he has to work to put food on the table and a roof over his head. If government were to ensure that these needs would be met a new era in human liberty could be reached.”

The president reserved his highest praise for the protesters’ demand that all outstanding debts be cancelled. “I realize that we in government have been thinking too small,” Obama said. “Our squabbling over how high to raise the debt ceiling is petty and bourgeois. All we’re doing is postponing the resolution of the problem. If we cancel all outstanding financial obligations we would eradicate the oppressive burden of debt that is hampering our ability to govern. It is an ingenious remedy for our current and potential future fiscal problems.”

Democratic campaign advisors are hoping that the President’s adoption of the “Occupy Wall Street” agenda will revive his faltering reelection prospects. “A program to free people from wage slavery would liberate more people than Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation did,” campaign advisor David Plouffe boasted. “And debt forgiveness would free the 61% of Americans who are home owners from servitude to mortgage bankers. I think there are enough votes to be gotten there alone to give the President a landslide victory in November of 2012.”

NY Gov Orders Social Services Translation Assistance

Complaining that it’s too hard for those who don’t speak English to get access to welfare and other benefits in the state, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo ordered state agencies to translate documents and provide interpreters to aid immigrants seeking public assistance.

“A person’s access to subsistence, housing, education, medicine and other necessities of life should not be contingent on an ability to speak or understand English,” Cuomo asserted. “We must not allow an arbitrarily imposed language barrier to trample human rights.”

The Governor insisted that “it is especially important that we make the extra effort to assist those here illegally. A person without documents is already at a great disadvantage when it comes to getting along in our society. Whether they are waiting on street corners looking for work or have ‘under-the-table’ jobs, they are in constant danger of arrest and deportation. To the extent that we can reduce such exposure by providing for their needs through our social services programs it is, I believe, our moral obligation to do so. The translation assistance I have authorized will help us to fulfill this obligation.”

Judge Rules Americans Have No Right to Choose What They Consume

Wisconsin Circuit Court Judge Patrick Fiedler ruled against families’ right to consume milk from their own cows. The ruling came in a dispute between the state’s Department of Agriculture and the families over how milk is to be produced, distributed and consumed in Wisconsin.

Fiedler rejected the plaintiffs’ contention that they had a fundamental and inherent right to consume milk from their own cows. “What foods may be grown or consumed is an issue subject to the discretion of the government,” Fiedler said. “Neither the state nor the federal Constitution grants individuals an explicit right to determine what they shall eat or drink. Consequently, the authority over such decisions is reserved to the state.”

The judge categorically dismissed the plaintiffs’ argument that powers not expressly delegated to the government were retained by the people under the Tenth Amendment to the US Constitution. “A careful reading of the cited Amendment reveals that the powers not delegated to the federal government are reserved to the states or the people,” Fiedler pointed out. “Since the states come before the people it is clear that the states have the overriding prerogative to act or not act on the matter. Therefore, if a state chooses to act its act supercedes whatever so-called fundamental or inherent rights the people may imagine they possess.”

That the plaintiffs believed that the state’s regulations endangered their health was also ruled irrelevant. “Whether the plaintiffs could incontrovertibly prove their belief that their home-grown product is ten-times safer than state regulated milk has no bearing,” Fiedler maintained. “The State’s authority is a question of law. It cannot be constrained, diluted, or modified by resort to alleged scientific proof or evidence.”

President Defends Solyndra Loan

The bankruptcy of the Solyndra solar panel manufacturing firm that received over $500 million in federal aid has not dimmed President Obama’s confidence in his “green economy” policy.
“While things haven’t exactly worked out liked we’d hoped, I still think that, on balance, it was the right decision,” Obama insisted. “First, it set a new tone for federal policy. We want everyone to know that this Administration isn’t going to be stuck in a rut narrowly focused on what has worked in the past. We’re willing to take risks in pursuit of a brighter future.”

“Second, even if Solyndra has gone belly-up, we did inject $500 million into a struggling economy,” the president contended. “That’s $500 million more than would’ve been injected if we didn’t go forward with the project. The continued ripple effects of this investment shouldn’t be overlooked.”

Obama brushed aside criticism of Solyndra’s business plan that some argue should’ve been a “red flag” warning. “I’m aware that the Bush Administration rejected Solyndra’s application,” Obama said. “It was their view that investing in a product that cost more to make than its selling price was a bad idea. This is the kind of ‘bean-counting’ mindset that blocks social progress. This way of thinking would also block government investments high-speed rail, public transit, and virtually every stimulus initiative we’ve tried.”

The president said he looks forward to the day when “social benefit replaces profit as the guiding force in how society’s resources are deployed. Whether a product makes money is less important than whether it is good for people. Solar energy is good for people. We should be proud that we made the effort to promote it. In this respect, I hope voters will see that we are headed in the right direction.”

Attorney General Deflects Claim He Lied to Congress on Gun Scandal

Evidence that Attorney General Eric Holder lied to Congress when he denied any knowledge of the “Fast and Furious” plan to arm Mexican drug gangsters is fueling calls for his resignation. The evidence is in the form of memos indicating that Holder was briefed on the plan a year before he told Congress he knew nothing about it.

“Just because there are memos addressed to me doesn’t prove that I received or read them,” Holder argued. “Surely, members of Congress have received many items addressed to them that they haven’t read.”

“And even if I did read them, couldn’t I have forgotten that I had or been unable to recall what I’d read?” Holder asked. “Does anyone remember everything he reads? I get dozens of memos a day. Why should I remember a handful of them on any one topic?”

“Supposing I did read and remember these memos, why should I have to tell Congress anything about them?” Holder went on. “Covert programs are on a need to know basis. Telling Congress would be an unnecessary breach of confidentiality. I mean, it’s not as if they’re going to be of any help to the program.”

President Obama gave Holder a strong vote of support in his battle against what he called “Congressional invasion of executive authority.” “I have complete confidence in Attorney General Holder,” Obama said. “He answers to me, not to Congress. Whether the Attorney General did or didn’t approve these weapons sales, whether he did or didn’t lie to Congress are matters protected by Executive Privilege. Any attack on the Attorney General is an attack on me. He and I will respond as I deem appropriate.”

In related news, Representative Edolphous Towns (D-NY) has introduced legislation that would permanently seal all presidential records. “As it is, presidents have practically no privacy,” Towns complained. “Everything they do is subjected to the minutest scrutiny. What my bill will do is protect ex-presidents from unwarranted curiosity and enable them to enjoy their retirement after selflessly and nobly serving their country.”

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Call to Postpone 2012 Elections Gaining Momentum

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Concerned that the upcoming November 2012 elections may be interfering with the appropriate governance of the United States, two eminent Democrats have called for postponing them.

Governor Beverly Perdue (D-NC) complained that “fear of offending voters is stifling our will to govern. If those of us who hold office could be given a break from having to face voters we could more freely consider what would be best for this country.”

The governor was unfazed by the antidemocratic implications of her proposal saying that “if government by the people comes into conflict with what the government ought to do for the people, well, the choice is a ‘no brainer’ as far as I’m concerned. Most of us in government know what needs to be done. The apparent disagreement between Republicans and Democrats is just jockeying for political advantage.”

Perdue’s case for postponing the 2012 elections was seconded by President Obama’s former budget director, Peter Orszag, in an article in this week’s issue of The New Republic. Citing what he called “the baleful infringement that elections impose on policy making,” Orszag argued for “stretching out the time between solicitations of input from voters to a more reasonable interval.”

Alleging that “a lot of valuable experience is tied up in present office holders,” Orszag maintained that “simply extending their terms would be the most efficient option. I mean, what person other than Barack Obama has the experience needed to do the job of president? I suppose you could argue that Bush or Clinton might, but they are Constitutionally ineligible for another term. All of the other contenders have zero experience at the position. Logically, we’d get the most experience for the least cost by letting everyone stay in place until the national and global situations are stable enough to allow us the luxury of another election.”

In related news, former Obama Administration “Green Jobs Czar,” Van Jones vowed he will lead “a people’s offensive that will crush Tea Party opponents of the President’s agenda.” Pointing to the “Arab Spring” that toppled Egyptian president Mubarak and is now in the process of implementing sharia law in that country as his model, Jones boasted that “80% of America is with us. The enemies of progressive policies will be swept aside once and for all.”

Biden Says Obama, Not Bush, Should Get Credit for Economy

Insisting that “things are much better than most people think,” Vice-President Joe Biden said he is “comfortable with the idea of phasing former President George Bush out of the conversation when it comes to the economy.”

“A narrow focus on unemployment and deficits misses the overarching improvements we have achieved since Barack Obama took office,” Biden cautioned. “Look, if you’re among the 9% who are unemployed it’s a bummer. But if you’re one of the 91% who has a job your commute to work is easier since fewer people will be driving to jobs on the streets you use. So, I’d say the vast majority are clearly better off for this reason alone.”

Another benefit cited by Biden was the concomitant reduction in air pollution. “You know, cars are one of the main sources of noxious emissions,” Biden reminded. “With fewer of them on the road the air is cleaner. And since everyone breathes this is a gain for 100% of the population, even the minority that is unemployed.”

Biden also emphasized “the bright side of deficits,” saying that “these shortfalls have awakened the public to the need for higher taxes. When budgets are balanced it’s hard to make the case for raising taxes. But with the solvency of the nation at stake, more people are rallying to the support of their government.”

The vice-president urged voters to “not lose sight of the gains we’ve made. As the President has said, ‘we’ve achieved 80% of what we set out to do.’ Now is not the time to turn our backs on the positive strides President Obama has made. There can be no gain without pain. We need to stay the course and push through the pain in order to continue toward the promised transformation of America that the people voted for in 2010.”

In related news, former President Bill Clinton warned voters to “not be swayed by the siren song of individualism that’s being peddled by the Tea Party fanatics. So called ‘rugged individualism’ is a myth. The idea that a person can or should be expected to take care of himself or herself defies common sense. Government is, and always has been, the well-spring of human progress. To suggest that the current level of government control, direction, and regulation might be more of a hindrance than a help is pure nonsense.”

Mayor Says Government’s Highest Duty Is Ensuring a Healthy Diet

In remarks before a United Nations General Assembly summit on non-communicable diseases, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg asserted that “a government’s highest duty is to ensure that its citizens practice ‘healthy eating.’”

Bloomberg explicitly rejected what he characterized as “‘minimalist government fantasies’ that would restrain us from taking obviously needed pro-active steps to eradicate people’s bad habits. The notion that government must stand by idly and abide self-destructive behavior in the name of ‘freedom’ is simply wrong.”

The Mayor argued that “the unalienable rights to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness expressed in America’s Declaration of Independence are more damaged by irresponsible eating than by anything the government might do. Besides, these incitements to rebellion against England were superceded by the Constitution’s promise to ‘promote the general welfare.’ Nothing is more salient to a person’s welfare than the food he or she eats.”

While contending that “in an ideal world, all meals would be served in government-run dining halls,” Bloomberg conceded that “government control over what kinds of food are offered in grocery stores and restaurants may be all that we can accomplish in this generation. Still, we must not shirk this responsibility.”

In related news, the Obama Administration awarded the State of Oregon a $5 million bonus for signing up the most people for the food stamp program (also known as Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program or SNAP). Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack was effusive in praising Oregon for “the kind energy and enthusiasm that brings us that much closer to the day when government will ensure that every person is fed.”

President’s Jobs Bill Would Stimulate Lawsuits

A key provision of President Obama’s so-called “jobs bill” would establish the failure of any business to hire an unemployed person as a prima facie case of discrimination. Under the bill, any unemployed person who applies for a job that ultimately is filled by hiring someone else who is already employed could sue the employing firm. The firm would have to show that the suing plaintiff could not have done the job for which he wasn’t hired.

Critics contend that this provision will encourage litigation and invite nuisance lawsuits. Representative Louie Gohmert (R-Tex) said that “passage of the bill would raise the costs of doing business and further depress hiring. Whenever a job opening is filled there are typically more unsuccessful applicants than hirees. If every one of these unsuccessful candidates who is unemployed is invited to file a lawsuit a business might be discouraged from hiring anyone at all.”

Press Secretary Jay Carney called Gohmert’s perspective “myopic.” “He’s only looking at it from the viewpoint of firms that might be sued,” Carney pointed out. “Firms that play it safe and give preferential treatment to those who are unemployed will face no risk of litigation. Another overlooked plus is the employment that will be provided to lawyers who take up these cases on behalf of those being discriminated against, as well as the lawyers who would then be needed to defend the accused firms.”

Even nuisance suits—those that don’t have a case, but which are launched in the hope that a quick settlement would be more attractive to the defendant than the expense of a trial—were praised. “You always hear a lot of negatives about these nuisance suits,” Carney said. “But let’s not forget that the money paid out is injected into the economy and helps stimulate a round of spending that helps create jobs.”

Cain Called Insult to Black Community

The Reverend Jesse Jackson said that GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain’s notion that “Blacks can succeed in America without the helping hand of government is an insult to our race. I’m not saying that Cain’s life story isn’t a remarkable demonstration of perseverance and accomplishment, but it isn’t a model for others.”

Jackson labeled Cain’s rise from a childhood of poverty to a career of corporate and financial success “atypical.” “Just because Cain is the kind of person who benefited from the freedom to pursue his own dream doesn’t mean that freedom is the magic formula for everyone,” Jackson opined. “His contention that Blacks have been brainwashed into believing that voting for handouts is in their best interest is flat out wrong. Considering that the average Black person’s talents and opportunities fall far short of Cain’s, it should be clear that our voting patterns have been consistently in our interests.”

Cain’s atypical path was contrasted with what Jackson touted as “the more proven road traveled by esteemed members of the Black community like President Obama. By working with the government Barack Obama has risen to heights that Cain can only dream of. In fact, I find it kind of ironic that finally, in the twilight of his life, Mr. Cain now aspires to the role pioneered by a person he spares no effort in criticizing on a daily basis.”

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