By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Expectations that her previous work in getting Obamacare passed might compel U.S. Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan to abstain from participating in the Court’s hearing of a case challenging the law were disappointed this past week.

“I have worked long and hard to see that this reform of our nation’s health care system is implemented, I am not going to sit aside as it is imperiled by the president’s enemies,” Kagan announced.  “As one of the nine most powerful people in America, I would be wasting an opportunity to promote the transformation of the country toward a new paradigm of social justice if I were to neglect to exercise my power when it is most needed.”

Kagan emphasized that “Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life in order to ensure their independence from outside interference. This includes pressure from those who imagine that their notions on the role of judges ought to override my own. As long as I occupy this seat I will do as I deem fit.”

NBC “Grounds” Drummer for Bachman Misstep

Admitting that the playing of the song “Lyin’ Ass Bitch” as GOP presidential candidate Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachman made her entrance on the “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” TV show, was a “miscalculation,” NBC executives announced that the band’s drummer would be “grounded for a week.”

“While it may seem unfair to place all the blame on one person, the offense isn’t serious enough to warrant sanctions further up the line,” said NBC Senior Vice-President Doug Vaughan. “If Ms. Bachman had been a more important person sterner measures might’ve been considered.”

The precise nature of the so-called “grounding” remains unclear. “Personnel actions are confidential,” Vaughan insisted. “But those who themselves have been grounded as punishment can grasp the gist of the penalty.”

Drummer Ahmir Thompson vows he will not take this lying down. “Since when is telling the truth a crime?” Thompson asked. He also demanded that the punishment be suspended until higher authorities are consulted. “The President is a good friend of mine and so is his wife,” Thompson maintained. “The NBC brass need to know that there’ll be consequences if I am made to suffer in any way for exercising my rights.”

Georgia Businessman May Face Federal Prosecution

Bill Looman, owner of U.S. Cranes, may have taken his opposition to Obama’s economic policies too far says Attorney General Eric Holder. Looman’s company trucks are plastered with signs saying “we are not hiring until Obama is gone.”

“I’d call this pretty overt and personal opposition to the President of the United States,” Holder declared. “I mean, President Obama has been striving mightily to create jobs. Yet, here we have a guy who is wantonly refusing to cooperate and trying to deflect the blame back on the President in a very public way.”

Holder said he is weighing charging Looman with extortion and election tampering. “There is an explicit threat right there on the sides of all his trucks,” Holder pointed out. “He’s saying that unless voters vote the way he wants he will withhold jobs from them. It’s like he’s holding these jobs for ransom. That’s extortion and an attempt to buy votes. We can’t allow our elections to be tainted by such tactics.”

Super Committee Failure Expected to Boost Democrats’ Election Chances

The so-called Super Committee composed of a dozen members of Congress failed to agree upon the required $1.2 trillion cut to planned increases in federal expenditures for the next decade. The sequestration that will now kick in will hold the increase in federal spending to $1.6 trillion dollars between 2013 and 2021.

The fact that the amount of spending will continue to expand regardless of whether the Super Committee accomplished anything was belittled by Press Secretary Jay Carney. “The impact of anything they might’ve done is minor compared to the fact that they failed to do anything,” Carney explained. “It is this appearance of failure that gives the President the opportunity to blame Congress for the lackluster state of the economy.”

“It won’t be the president’s fault that we didn’t get the tax increases we need to fight the recession,” Carney bragged. “That albatross is tied firmly around the necks of Congressional Republicans who continue to resist empowering the government to secure the larger share of resources it needs. Voters who’re fed-up with the GOP’s refusal to allow the kind of accelerated expansion of government the President has been advocating will know who to cast their ballots for next November.”

On the Congressional front, Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass) seconded the White House take on events. “The failure of the Super Committee means that taxes will automatically go up after next year when the Bush tax cuts expire,” Frank boasted. “All we Democrats have to do now is sit on our hands and the government’s take goes up. It’s Republicans who are screwed. They get tarred as the ‘do-nothings’ and we get the cash.”

President Embraces Occupy Movement

Despite being heckled and shot at by members of the Occupy protests that have sprung up in various locations around the country, President Obama says they “are the reason I ran for office.”

“I can’t dispute the view that corporate greed is what is dragging this country down,” the President said. “And I can’t really blame these protesters for their opposition to the current economic system. But I’m asking them to take a broader perspective.”

The president acknowledged that “my taking money from Wall Street for my campaign looks bad. Surely, though, this has got to be the lesser of evils if it helps me get elected. After all, the alternative is to allow those who seek to retard our progress toward a more socially just society to triumph.”

“Patience is what I urge upon my friends in the Occupy movement,” the President added. “Gutting the corporate pig to feed the 99% will take time and effort. The first task in that effort has got to be my reelection. Once that is achieved we can embark upon the next steps. Certainly, having a friend in the White House has to be an asset.”

Congresswoman Bemoans Church’s Inflexibility

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) lashed out at the Catholic Church for “their inflexible hostility to a sensible compromise on federally funded abortions.”

“They’re placing their own prejudices ahead of the democratic will of the people,” Pelosi contended. “The people’s elected representatives—the Congress and the President—have determined that access to abortions is a vital health service that no one should be denied just because they can’t afford it. And hospitals shouldn’t be allowed to refuse to provide such services just because they are sponsored by the Church.”

Pelosi said she considered the Church’s opposition to having Obamacare fund abortion services hypocritical. “Without government assistance we’d have a situation in which the rich could get as many abortions as they want, while the poor can’t get the abortions they need,” Pelosi complained. “By opposing federal funding of abortions the Church sides with inequality and unfairness. Jesus was a champion of the poor. Yet, today’s Church hierarchy has abandoned them in this crucial issue.”

Idea that Cain Could Win a Substantial Portion of Black Vote Discounted

Washington Post columnist Jonathan Capehart pooh-poohed the idea that GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain could win a substantial share of the Black vote in a contest against Barack Obama.

“While it may be true that Eisenhower won 41% of the Black vote in 1956, times are very different today,” Capehart wrote. “President Johnson’s Great Society War on Poverty put many more Blacks on the government teat than there were in 1956. Democrats that previously might have been seen as heirs of the Klan are now the Party of free stuff to many Blacks. As a conservative, Cain is seen as a critic of the welfare state. Blacks know that voting for him could slow the flow of the free stuff.”

Polls would seem to support Capehart’s case. While the majority of voters now disapprove of the way Obama has handled the job of President, an NBC-WSJ poll showed that a stunning 91% of Black voters approve.

Dem Pollsters Urge Hillary to Run

Calling the Obama Administration “an unmitigated disaster, the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Carter was President,” Pat Caddell, former pollster for Jimmy Carter and Doug Schoen, former pollster for Bill Clinton, urged Democrats to dump Obama and support Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as their nominee.

“Ideally, President Obama should voluntarily step down,” Caddell said. “If his policy agenda is important to him he should pass the torch to an undamaged bearer. It’s the Democratic Party’s best chance to defend the gains made over the last three years. His staying in the race only helps the enemies of progressive governance.”

“Secretary Clinton’s ability to stay aloof from the infighting that has damaged Obama combined with her unquestioned triumphs in foreign policy would make her a formidable candidate,” Schoen added.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

More John Semmens’ Archives

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In his continuing quest to find the “real killers” of America’s prosperity, President Obama is now testing out the idea that laziness lies at the root of the prolonged recession we’re in.

“Look, we in government have been going all out trying to get the economy moving,” the president told an audience of campaign supporters. “In the last two years the federal government has spent more than it ever has before. We’ve generously handed out money left and right. We’ve added new guidelines and procedures to virtually every segment of industry in an effort to direct businesses toward a more fruitful utilization of the nation’s resources. I mean, it’s been a tireless effort on our part to get things moving.”

“In contrast, what has the private sector done?” Obama asked. “Consumers won’t spend. Businesses won’t invest. This is despite a massive increase in the money supply from the Fed that has made borrowing very inexpensive. The private sector is just not doing its part.”

“Pure laziness is about the best face I can put on the private sector’s failure to cooperate,” the president speculated. “People apparently just don’t care enough about what I’m trying to do for this country to put forth the effort I need to make the recovery work.”

The president indicated that “some of my advisors are urging me to take sterner measures. They say that the problem lies in relying upon voluntary compliance with the government’s incentives and encouragement. They counsel more direct instructions, narrower tolerances for deviations, and stiffer penalties for disobedience. I hope it won’t have to come to that, but I can wait too much longer for results.”

In related news, former President Bill Clinton’s new book—Back to Work: Why We Need Smart Government for a Strong Economy—called for higher taxes and spending to reviveAmerica’s faltering economy. “The idea that we can sit back and wait for the economy to get back to work on its own makes no sense,”Clintonwrote. “It’s time that the president tells Americans to get their lazy butts off the couch and mow the lawn or there’ll be no allowance this week. Unless government takes firmer control over everyone’s purse strings I don’t see how we can hope to get the country on the right track.”

Perry Proposal for Part-time Congress Called Ludicrous

GOP presidential candidate Texas Governor Rick Perry’s suggestion that the country would be better off with a part-time Congress was assailed by House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md).

“Mr. Perry’s notion that Americacould get along with less government is ludicrous,” Hoyer asserted. “If we only spend half the time governing this country, we’d only be able to do half as much. That would mean half the spending, half the taxing, and half the regulating. I don’t think the American people would stand for that.”

Hoyer’s assessment was backed by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif).

“Governor Perry doesn’t understand the importance of our work if he thinks we can do it in half the time,” Pelosi argued. “If he had his way, people would be cut adrift from the nurturing and guidance government provides and left to fend for themselves. Taking care of Americans is a full time job. To think otherwise is just nuts.”

Confident as they are in the absurdity of Perry’s proposal, both Hoyer and Pelosi have declined invitations to publicly debate the issue with him face-to-face. “That would give credence to an idea that everyone who truly understands how government works knows is out-of-bounds,” Pelosi said.

CBO Says Obama’s “Stimulus” Spending Actually Cost Jobs

Economist Doug Elmendorf, head of the Congressional Budget Office, testified before the Senate Budget Committee that President Obama’s $800 billion “stimulus” package reduced rather than increased employment.

“The elemental truth of the matter is that putting money into ventures that generate losses, as was the case for the bulk of the so-called stimulus spending, reduces the resources available to society,” Elmendorf explained. “As resources are reduced there is less economic growth and less demand for workers.”

The CBO’s analysis was challenged by Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “The fact is, we put money into businesses that the private sector spurned,” Geithner said. “This created jobs that otherwise wouldn’t have existed. Only an economist would dare to deny the obvious benefit of this approach.”

“And let’s not forget all the government jobs that were saved,” Geithner added. “Those who contend that these jobs are unnecessary overlook the spending that is injected into the economy when these employees cash their paychecks and buy stuff.”

Elmendorf characterized Geithner’s reasoning as “fundamentally idiotic. The $800 billion the government took out of the profit-making sector of the economy would’ve generated just as many jobs in the first iteration of spending. However, the profits would’ve sustained even more jobs with each successive iteration. This stands in contrast to the president’s approach, which requires endless infusions of new money extracted from productive uses in order to feed each successive round of unproductive spending on new ‘jobs bills.’”

Attorneys Demand Charges against Obama’s Uncle Be Dropped

Attorneys for President Obama’s 67 year old uncle Onyango Obama are demanding that all charges be dropped. Onyango was arrested for driving under the influence after police spotted him blowing past a stop sign.

Onyango’s lawyer, George Crank, argued that the stop was unwarranted. “Police must have proof that my client was drunk before they could justifiably accost him,” Crank insisted. “Mere suspicion is not enough.”

Crank brushed aside the fact that arresting officers found that Onyango’s blood alcohol level exceeded the legal maximum. “There’s no way they could’ve known this prior to stopping him,” Crank pointed out. “Their initial action was ignorant of this fact.

Consequently, that action was unreasonable and invalid.”

A second plank in Crank’s case was “the officers’ failure to comprehend and appreciate my client’s special relationship to the president of the United States and the potentially negative impact the arrest would have upon his ability to continue governing, which could be construed as seditious if carried out knowingly.”

Crank said he would be willing to forego pressing the sedition charge if Massachusettsauthorities were to immediately absolve his client. “In the beginning, I’ll grant that they may not have known the president was his nephew,” Crank observed. “But to continue with his prosecution now would be malicious. The monetary damages we would seek would be substantial.”

Onyango is in the country illegally, but federal authorities have not yet gotten up the nerve to deport him.

White House Objects to Ads

The White House strenuously objected to a new ad campaign from Italian clothing firm Benetton. The campaign, labeled “unhate,” shows various world leaders kissing. President Obama is featured in two of the ads. In one he is shown kissing Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez. In the other his mate is China’s Hu Jintao.

“This crass commercialization cheapens the affection and passion the president has exhibited in his quest for world peace,” White House Spokesman Eric Schultz complained. “It also complicates the diplomacy. Feelings could be hurt. Jealousies could be enflamed. Hugo is especially adamant in his expectations of exclusivity.”

Schultz also cited the absence of compensation as an aggravating factor. “Where’s the president’s cut?” Schultz wanted to know. “Using his picture without paying isn’t something he agreed to. Unless this can be rectified, perhaps by a donation to the president’s reelection campaign, the ads need to come down.”

Obama Blocks Canadian Oil Pipeline to U.S.

President Obama’s decision to bar the extension of Canada’s Keystone XL pipeline into theUnited Statesis expected to result in diverting the oil to China.

David Wilkins, a lobbyist for the pipeline’s extension on behalf of the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers, expressed disappointment. “Canada really wanted to sell this oil to theUnited   States,” Wilkins said. “It would’ve been the best deal for both countries. But they can’t afford to just sit on it. Selling it toChinaseems like the only option now.”

While the president’s decision will mean fewer jobs and higher fuel prices in theUnited   States, Press Secretary Jay Carney described it as a “gutsy call.” “Your first reaction is that this is a kick in the teeth to the American economy,” Carney admitted. “But in the long run it will beChinathat becomes more dependent on fossil fuels. It will be Chinathat has to endure the increased traffic and air pollution that will occur with cheaper energy.”

“Americans, on the other hand, will be forced to wean themselves off of gasoline-powered travel,” Carney boasted. “They’ll learn to give up making unnecessary trips. They’ll learn to use mass transit. There’ll be less congestion, fewer crashes and cleaner air. They’ll come to appreciate what the president has done for them.”

The boost in energy prices as a result of Obama’s decision is expected to significantly benefit the investment portfolio of Warren Buffet, a major donor to the president’s re-election campaign.

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

More John Semmens’ Archives

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Gloria Allred, the lawyer retained by Cain accuser Sharon Bialek, slammed presidential candidate Herman Cain for retaining attorney Lin Wood to help him defend against the sexual harassment accusations that have been launched against him. Wood is considered a top notch expert in defamation of character cases and gained great notoriety for his efforts in clearing the name of Richard Jewel, the man who was falsely accused of bombing the Atlanta Olympics in 1996.

“If he’s innocent why does he need a lawyer?” Allred demanded to know. “Truth is the defense of the innocent. Only the guilty need an attorney to make their case. I think people will find this latest twist highly suspicious.”

To delve into this suspicious behavior, Allred suggested that Congress subpoena Cain to testify before a House or Senate Committee. “Not only is the nation at risk of putting a sexual predator into the office of president, but it has become clear that substantial reforms need to be enacted,” Allred insisted.

Among Allred’s proffered reforms would be provisions aimed at protecting women from having to expose themselves to potential retaliation for leveling harassment accusations. “A woman should be allowed to remain anonymous throughout the whole process,” Allred argued. “Being identified as an accuser can wreck a woman’s future employment opportunities. Any needed communications can go through her lawyer.”

“A further measure to reduce potential retaliation would be to require the accused to step down until he can prove that no woman has ever felt intimidated by his actions in the workplace,” Allred said. “Or he could post a substantial bond that would be forfeited if any additional accusations were made prior to the full settlement of ones that have already been levied.”

In related news, NBC talking head David Gregory rued the lack of a “Grand Wizard” in the Republican Party who could order Cain to step down. “Democrats don’t have this kind of shortcoming,” Gregory maintained. “I mean, after Ted Kennedy killed that girl he was forced to put his presidential ambitions on hold for 10 years. That was real leadership, not the anarchy we’re seeing from the Republicans in this current flap.”

Reid Demands GOP Abandon Partisanship

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) used Veteran’s Day as the occasion to demand that the GOP drop its partisan opposition to the President’s efforts to “save the country.”

“As we pay our annual tribute to those in uniform let us take the opportunity to compare the selfless obedience of our troops with the obstructionism posed by the Republican Party,” Reid said. “The ‘yes sir’ and ‘aye sir’ of our soldiers and sailors stands in stark contrast with the repeated nay-saying of the GOP members of Congress.”

“Whether it be the killing of bin Laden or the bombing of Libya, our troops have the appropriate ‘can do’ attitude,” Reid observed. “They don’t balk saying it might be too costly. They don’t oppose the revenue enhancements that are needed to fulfill the President’s vision for this country. They are totally loyal.”

Reid contended that the GOP’s stance “is insubordinate, at best, and possibly disloyal. The president is this country’s Commander-in-Chief. Every genuine American is bound to follow his orders. Failure to do so threatens the health, safety, and prosperity of the nation. Protecting America from these kinds of threats—both foreign and domestic—is the President’s sacred obligation.”

In related news, former President Bill Clinton warned that America’s biggest problem is the “anti-government ideology” that is taking hold across the country. “Right-wingers would have voters believe that government is the primary villain behind the faltering economy and runaway government debt,” Clinton intoned. “But it’s these same right-wingers who have been impeding government’s access to the vast store of wealth in this country. It’s these right-wingers who are trying to place the individual’s pursuit of happiness ahead of the collective welfare. Unless we restore faith in government, this kind of selfishness will trample community.”

Attorney General Denies Any Responsibility for Border Agent’s Murder

Attorney General Eric Holder steadfastly refused to take any responsibility for the murder of Border Patrol Agent Brian Terry. Terry was shot with a weapon that the Department of Justice helped transport to the Mexican gangs that have been smuggling drugs and aliens across the border.

“I’m not going to apologize for anything,” Holder told a Senate Hearing. “I didn’t pull the trigger. That agent was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. The border is an inherently dangerous place. You go there at your own risk. Certainly, Terry had to know that.”

Holder also pointed out that Terry’s efforts to interdict border crossings were “contrary to this Administration’s policy. Remember, we are the ones suing the State of Arizona for their attempt to impose their own policy against illegal aliens. Why should we be dinged for what happened to Terry for doing the same thing?”

In related news, the Department of Justice is seeking revisions to the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) that would make it legal for federal agencies to lie about the existence of records being sought.

“Government needs to be able to control its own records if it is to defend itself against its many enemies,” Holder asserted. “We’ve all seen what happened when those who harbor ill-will toward the Administration got their hands on a few ‘Gunwalker’ documents. We need to put a stop to such threats to our effectiveness.”

Occupy Denver Elects Dog as Leader

Pressed by Denver Mayor Michael Hancock to select someone to represent them in negotiations with the City, Occupy Denver’s General Assembly elected a three-year-old border collie named Shelby.

This move may have backfired, however, when the Mayor’s office announced that as best they could determine, Shelby has apparently agreed to have every participant in the Occupation spayed or neutered in exchange for unlimited access to the City’s trash bins.

Rex Hund, spokesman for the mayor’s office, labeled the agreement a “win-win” outcome. “From the City’s perspective this will reduce the load on our landfill operations,” Hund pointed out. “To the extent that discarded, but otherwise edible, refuse can be consumed by the protesters the weight of what we have to haul away will decline—boosting the mpg of our trucks. And less space will be needed at the dump.”

“From a broader societal perspective, the spaying and neutering will help with population control,” Hund added. “This should reduce the pressure on social services down the road.”

“Finally, there should also be an environmental payoff, as well, as the burdens imposed on the planet by the human race are reduced,” Hund concluded. “There’ll be fewer emissions from our garbage trucks and landfills. On top of this, the spaying and neutering will enable protesters to enjoy sex without fear of reproduction.”

In related news, the battle against capitalism made some headway on the Occupy Portland front where protesters were able to drive off the providers of port-a-potties through a bold campaign of covert vandalism. Calling the “potties” unnatural, protester Maury Egesta praised “our valiant warriors for a greener world.” The victory over closeted evacuation procedures was achieved despite a debilitating outbreak of lice at the encampment.

Romney Insists He Is as Consistent as Humanly Possible

GOP presidential candidate, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney sought to rebuff critics’ contentions that he is a “flip-flopper” by insisting that he has “been as consistent as is humanly possible.”

“Everyone knows that variety is the spice of life,” Romney suggested. “No sane person orders the exact same item from a menu every time he dines. Different days, different occasions call for different decisions. Americans want a president who is consistent enough to recognize this reality and revise his policies to fit constantly changing circumstances. They don’t want somebody who robotically strives for lower taxes and spending regardless of circumstances.”

The healthcare issue that has provided much of the ammunition for his critics was taken up by Romney as an example of his fundamental consistency. “Look, given the circumstances I was faced with, passing a universal healthcare mandate in Massachusetts was the right thing to do,” Romney argued. “But now that I’m running for the GOP nomination I need the votes of people who oppose such a system. To get these votes I have to bash Obamacare. If it becomes necessary to alter course in the future voters can count on me to do so.”

“My record is clear,” Romney concluded. “I am consistently flexible. I have the agility this country needs in these critical times. Surely, this is more presidential than a policy of consistent inflexibility. I think if you look at our past few presidents you’ll see that I’m of a kind that the American voters have consistently endorsed.”

Treasury Secretary Says GOP Has No Jobs Plan

US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner dismissed the idea that Republican pushed ideas like tax cuts and deregulation could generate more jobs. “Just because a business could make more money from lower taxes and fewer regulations doesn’t mean they will create jobs,” Geithner contended. “Such an approach doesn’t force them to hire more workers. This is an important distinction between the president and his opponents.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

More John Semmens’ Archives

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

House Minority Whip Representative Steny Hoyer (D-Md) sent letters to the secretaries of state in all 50 states asking them to take action against “any and all attempts to limit the right to vote by requiring those wishing to cast ballots to show identification.”

“It’s supposed to be a secret ballot, but how can it be if voters must reveal their identities?” Hoyer wrote. “Voters may have good reasons for not wanting to disclose personal information about
themselves. Creditors might link names and addresses and harass these people with demands for debts to be paid. Police could use such information to serve outstanding warrants.”

“Besides, a system that confines voting to only those registered is fatally flawed,” Hoyer’s letter continued. “Is a person any less of a person because he is unable or unwilling to register to vote? Aren’t all ‘men’ created equal? Shouldn’t all ‘men’ have the right to vote?”

Hoyer urged the secretaries of state to use a simplified protocol. “Anyone who takes the trouble to walk into a polling booth ought to be given a ballot,” Hoyer suggested. “The process would be more efficient. People wouldn’t be delayed by needless reference to registration lists. They could just vote and move on.”

The risk that unscrupulous persons might defraud Hoyer’s proposed system by voting multiple times was deemed “inconsequentially small” by Hoyer. “The chances of any single vote determining the outcome is tiny,” Hoyer pointed out. “From a logical perspective, it doesn’t make sense to vote even once, much less repeatedly. In my opinion, the fear of multiple votes from a single person is way overblown.”

The House Democrat admitted that it was unlikely that many states would formally adopt his recommended approach. “The important thing was to get this idea out there,” Hoyer maintained. “Even if my suggestions only inspire an irregular tendency to occasionally overlook a rigorous adherence to ID rules it will still be a step toward a fairer and more universal franchise for all who live in this country.”

In related news, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) says she is confident that Democrats will regain the majority in the November 2012 election because “Democrats have raised more money than GOP candidates. Money is the life’s blood of politics. Now that President Obama has cut loose from Congress he can ensure that those who back us will recoup their donations via federal contracts and awards. The GOP can’t match that.”

Senator Calls for Abolition of Guns

Senator Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) says that the “Fast and Furious” gun scandal “shows that now, more than ever, we must abolish guns in this country.”

“Fast and Furious” is the name given to a Department of Justice (DOJ) program that enabled Mexican drug gangs to more easily obtain weapons. Thus far, an estimated 2,000 guns are believed to have been conveyed to these gangsters by the DOJ program.

According to Feinstein, “the fact that even government officials could make such a blunder argues against the idea that anyone should be allowed to possess firearms. Plainly, guns are too dangerous to be left in the hands of human beings. The only way we are going to stop the carnage is by disarming everyone.”

“If possession of firearms is restricted to only those authorized to use deadly force—the police and military—the daily tragedies we’ve been seeing with neighbors killing neighbors, husbands killing wives, children killing themselves would come to an end,” Feinstein predicted. “The government’s ability to suppress resistance to legitimate authority and other criminal behavior would be enhanced. A new dawn of humane and civil intercourse between Americans would be at hand.”

DNC Chair Says “Personhood” Amendments “Extreme” and “Radical”

Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) lashed out at those who argue for laws to protect “personhood” calling them “purveyors of an extreme and radical notion.”

The inspiration for Wasserman-Schultz’s outburst is the growing movement for enacting so-called “personhood” amendments to state constitutions in Mississippi, Ohio, Texas, Kansas, and Florida.

Under these amendments an unborn human would be deemed a person for the purpose of defending his or her legal rights. The most alarming aspect of this from Wasserman-Schultz’s perspective would be that the amendments would bar such persons from being deprived of life, liberty, or property without due process.

“It’s no secret that ‘due process’ in this country moves at a snail’s pace,” Wasserman-Schultz observed. “By the time a case pleading the necessity, justice, or utility of a prospective abortion could be brought to court the issue, in most instances, would already be moot.”

The Representative characterized the push for these amendments as “divisive, dangerous, and destructive. They are wrong on so many levels. First, they aim to divest women of the reproductive rights granted by the Supreme Court in Roe v. Wade almost 40 years ago. Second, they would impede society’s ability to manage the population for the greater good. The measure is written so broadly that unwanted, useless, and burdensome persons would be endowed with rights that could block effective remedial actions.”

Filmmaker Denies He Is Part of Targeted 1%

Documentary filmmaker Michael Moore says he fully supports the “Occupy Wall Street” movement and rejected suggestions that his vast fortune makes him a member of the 1% targeted by the protesters.

“The 1% is the capitalist pigs who grow rich off of exploiting other people’s needs,” Moore contended. “Using a person’s need for food and shelter to make money is the type of crime the occupiers are protesting. None of the money I’ve made has been so coarsely acquired. People wouldn’t starve or suffer if they didn’t see my films. I am not exploiting their basic survival needs. The money I get is freely given. There’s no duress.”

Moore dismissed the idea that his lavish lifestyle might be unseemly given the more meager conditions under which the 99% lives. “Do I feel guilty?” Moore responded. “Not one bit. I earned every dollar I’ve got. No one’s got a legitimate beef with me. Besides, the money I spend helps provide jobs for people like my chauffer.”

Pulling down capitalism—one of the demands of the occupiers—wouldn’t bother Moore. “I’m not a capitalist,” the multimillionaire insisted. “I am a tribune for the truth. Progressives around the globe recognize the importance of the role I play. I’m confident that I will be comfortable in a post-capitalist America.”

President Obama lent credence to Moore’s optimism, calling him “a truly great American who hasn’t shirked from speaking out against the abuses of the rich, business, and other rightwing opponents of social justice.”

In related news, the Oakland, California “occupier” protest turned violent this past week—rampaging through the community breaking windows and vandalizing property. Mayor Jean Quan who had given city employees the day off to join the protest said she is hopeful that the protesters’ demand for “death to capitalism” can be moderated. “I would be more comfortable with a ‘regulate capitalism’ slogan, or if we must have pithy wording, I think ‘hamstring capitalism’ would be more palatable with most of my constituents,” Quan said.

Democrats Say Free Speech Undermining Democracy

Senator Jeff Merkley (D-Ore) and six of his Party comrades are calling for a Constitutional Amendment that would limit freedom of speech “before it can destroy our democracy.”

“Political speech in this country has gotten so far out of hand that democracy itself is endangered,” Merkley contended. “Right now, anyone who wants to can say anything he wants about any public figure. The only constraint is whether he has the means to get his message out. Even this constraint is melting away. With the Internet, any boob can get an audience of millions if he’s clever enough.”

The trouble, according to Merkley, is that “the responsible voices of the people—their elected representatives—are drowned out in the cacophony of the masses. We need to be able to screen messages, especially those sent over communal rights-of-way like TV, radio, and the Internet, to ensure that only the truly important content gets through.”

Merkley says the chief impediment to a robust and responsible democracy in this country is language in the First Amendment that says Congress shall make no law abridging freedom of speech. “We have absolutely no flexibility to deal with the problem of errant or unwarranted speech,” Merkley complained. “People can attack my livelihood, say I should be voted out of office, and impugn my character, yet our courts are bound to allow it because of this First Amendment language.”

“Ideally, an agency that combined the power of the Federal Election Commission and the Federal Communication Commission should be established to monitor, prioritize, and edit what can and can’t be said on matters of government policy,” Merkley argued. “That way we’d be secure in knowing that statements denigrating or destructive to proper governance could be filtered out before they pollute the conversation. We’ve tried to legislate this, but the Supreme Court has struck down our efforts. That’s why we need an Amendment.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

More John Semmens’ Archives