Allred Says Cain Hiring a Lawyer Proves He’s Guilty

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Gloria Allred, the lawyer retained by Cain accuser Sharon Bialek, slammed presidential candidate Herman Cain for retaining attorney Lin Wood to help him defend against the sexual harassment accusations that have been launched against him. Wood is considered a top notch expert in defamation of character cases and gained great notoriety for his efforts in clearing the name of Richard Jewel, the man who was falsely accused of bombing the Atlanta Olympics in 1996.

“If he’s innocent why does he need a lawyer?” Allred demanded to know. “Truth is the defense of the innocent. Only the guilty need an attorney to make their case. I think people will find this latest twist highly suspicious.”

To delve into this suspicious behavior, Allred suggested that Congress subpoena Cain to testify before a House or Senate Committee. “Not only is the nation at risk of putting a sexual predator into the office of president, but it has become clear that substantial reforms need to be enacted,” Allred insisted.

Among Allred’s proffered reforms would be provisions aimed at protecting women from having to expose themselves to potential retaliation for leveling harassment accusations. “A woman should be allowed to remain anonymous throughout the whole process,” Allred argued. “Being identified as an accuser can wreck a woman’s future employment opportunities. Any needed communications can go through her lawyer.”

“A further measure to reduce potential retaliation would be to require the accused to step down until he can prove that no woman has ever felt intimidated by his actions in the workplace,” Allred said. “Or he could post a substantial bond that would be forfeited if any additional accusations were made prior to the full settlement of ones that have already been levied.”

In related news, NBC talking head David Gregory rued the lack of a “Grand Wizard” in the Republican Party who could order Cain to step down. “Democrats don’t have this kind of shortcoming,” Gregory maintained. “I mean, after Ted Kennedy killed that girl he was forced to put his presidential ambitions on hold for 10 years. That was real leadership, not the anarchy we’re seeing from the Republicans in this current flap.”

Reid Demands GOP Abandon Partisanship

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) used Veteran’s Day as the occasion to demand that the GOP drop its partisan opposition to the President’s efforts to “save the country.”

“As we pay our annual tribute to those in uniform let us take the opportunity to compare the selfless obedience of our troops with the obstructionism posed by the Republican Party,” Reid said. “The ‘yes sir’ and ‘aye sir’ of our soldiers and sailors stands in stark contrast with the repeated nay-saying of the GOP members of Congress.”

“Whether it be the killing of bin Laden or the bombing of Libya, our troops have the appropriate ‘can do’ attitude,” Reid observed. “They don’t balk saying it might be too costly. They don’t oppose the revenue enhancements that are needed to fulfill the President’s vision for this country. They are totally loyal.”

Reid contended that the GOP’s stance “is insubordinate, at best, and possibly disloyal. The president is this country’s Commander-in-Chief. Every genuine American is bound to follow his orders. Failure to do so threatens the health, safety, and prosperity of the nation. Protecting America from these kinds of threats—both foreign and domestic—is the President’s sacred obligation.”

In related news, former President Bill Clinton warned that America’s biggest problem is the “anti-government ideology” that is taking hold across the country. “Right-wingers would have voters believe that government is the primary villain behind the faltering economy and runaway government debt,” Clinton intoned. “But it’s these same right-wingers who have been impeding government’s access to the vast store of wealth in this country. It’s these right-wingers who are trying to place the individual’s pursuit of happiness ahead of the collective welfare. Unless we restore faith in government, this kind of selfishness will trample community.”

Attorney General Denies Any Responsibility for Border Agent’s Murder

Attorney General Eric Holder steadfastly refused to take any responsibility for the murder of Border Patrol Agent Brian Terry. Terry was shot with a weapon that the Department of Justice helped transport to the Mexican gangs that have been smuggling drugs and aliens across the border.

“I’m not going to apologize for anything,” Holder told a Senate Hearing. “I didn’t pull the trigger. That agent was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. The border is an inherently dangerous place. You go there at your own risk. Certainly, Terry had to know that.”

Holder also pointed out that Terry’s efforts to interdict border crossings were “contrary to this Administration’s policy. Remember, we are the ones suing the State of Arizona for their attempt to impose their own policy against illegal aliens. Why should we be dinged for what happened to Terry for doing the same thing?”

In related news, the Department of Justice is seeking revisions to the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) that would make it legal for federal agencies to lie about the existence of records being sought.

“Government needs to be able to control its own records if it is to defend itself against its many enemies,” Holder asserted. “We’ve all seen what happened when those who harbor ill-will toward the Administration got their hands on a few ‘Gunwalker’ documents. We need to put a stop to such threats to our effectiveness.”

Occupy Denver Elects Dog as Leader

Pressed by Denver Mayor Michael Hancock to select someone to represent them in negotiations with the City, Occupy Denver’s General Assembly elected a three-year-old border collie named Shelby.

This move may have backfired, however, when the Mayor’s office announced that as best they could determine, Shelby has apparently agreed to have every participant in the Occupation spayed or neutered in exchange for unlimited access to the City’s trash bins.

Rex Hund, spokesman for the mayor’s office, labeled the agreement a “win-win” outcome. “From the City’s perspective this will reduce the load on our landfill operations,” Hund pointed out. “To the extent that discarded, but otherwise edible, refuse can be consumed by the protesters the weight of what we have to haul away will decline—boosting the mpg of our trucks. And less space will be needed at the dump.”

“From a broader societal perspective, the spaying and neutering will help with population control,” Hund added. “This should reduce the pressure on social services down the road.”

“Finally, there should also be an environmental payoff, as well, as the burdens imposed on the planet by the human race are reduced,” Hund concluded. “There’ll be fewer emissions from our garbage trucks and landfills. On top of this, the spaying and neutering will enable protesters to enjoy sex without fear of reproduction.”

In related news, the battle against capitalism made some headway on the Occupy Portland front where protesters were able to drive off the providers of port-a-potties through a bold campaign of covert vandalism. Calling the “potties” unnatural, protester Maury Egesta praised “our valiant warriors for a greener world.” The victory over closeted evacuation procedures was achieved despite a debilitating outbreak of lice at the encampment.

Romney Insists He Is as Consistent as Humanly Possible

GOP presidential candidate, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney sought to rebuff critics’ contentions that he is a “flip-flopper” by insisting that he has “been as consistent as is humanly possible.”

“Everyone knows that variety is the spice of life,” Romney suggested. “No sane person orders the exact same item from a menu every time he dines. Different days, different occasions call for different decisions. Americans want a president who is consistent enough to recognize this reality and revise his policies to fit constantly changing circumstances. They don’t want somebody who robotically strives for lower taxes and spending regardless of circumstances.”

The healthcare issue that has provided much of the ammunition for his critics was taken up by Romney as an example of his fundamental consistency. “Look, given the circumstances I was faced with, passing a universal healthcare mandate in Massachusetts was the right thing to do,” Romney argued. “But now that I’m running for the GOP nomination I need the votes of people who oppose such a system. To get these votes I have to bash Obamacare. If it becomes necessary to alter course in the future voters can count on me to do so.”

“My record is clear,” Romney concluded. “I am consistently flexible. I have the agility this country needs in these critical times. Surely, this is more presidential than a policy of consistent inflexibility. I think if you look at our past few presidents you’ll see that I’m of a kind that the American voters have consistently endorsed.”

Treasury Secretary Says GOP Has No Jobs Plan

US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner dismissed the idea that Republican pushed ideas like tax cuts and deregulation could generate more jobs. “Just because a business could make more money from lower taxes and fewer regulations doesn’t mean they will create jobs,” Geithner contended. “Such an approach doesn’t force them to hire more workers. This is an important distinction between the president and his opponents.”

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