By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio was sternly rebuked by the US Justice Department for allowing ethnic bias to influence his efforts to crack down on illegal immigrants from Mexico.
“Instead of using our preferred methods for randomizing the enforcement presence, Arpaio has consistently focused his attention on persons of obvious Mexican heritage,” Assistant US Attorney General Thomas Perez charged. “His methods are completely ineffective against illegal entry by persons from Europe or Asia—leaving both Arizona and the nation vulnerable to incursions from these sources.”
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced that her Department would join with the Department of Justice to block the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office’s access to any federal criminal databases—including fingerprints and DNA. “It’s not as if he hasn’t had fair warning,” Napolitano claimed. “The model for random enforcement has been repeatedly demonstrated by our TSA. Despite considerable public criticism and political pressure we have refused to narrow our search for Islamic terrorists by using ethnic criteria.” Arpaio labeled the sanctions “foolish and politically motivated.
Arizona doesn’t border Europe or Asia. It borders Mexico. Anyone with any sense can see that the overwhelming source of illegal entry is from Mexico. Focusing on illegals coming from Mexico is far more pertinent and cost-effective than pursuing some fantasy of ‘balanced’ or randomized enforcement.”
“Blocking our access to federal databases will force us to release dangerous criminal suspects that we might otherwise have been able to identify,” Arpaio complained. “This endangers public safety and is particularly bad for the Latino communities where these Mexican criminals are apt to hide and commit their crimes.”
Napolitano acknowledged that cutting off access to federal databases could pose problems for local law enforcement, but insisted that these could be easily resolved by getting rid of Arpaio. “If Arpaio were to resign or be voted out in a recall election we could quickly restore Maricopa County’s access to our national criminal files,” Napolitano promised.
Repeal of Ban on Bestiality Defended
Representative Rob Andrews (D-NJ), a member of the House Armed Services Committee, defended Congressional repeal of the military ban on bestiality, calling it a “humanitarian measure.”
“Look, if we don’t want our troops to rape enemy women we’ve got to let them have the barnyard animals,” Andrews reasoned.
Andrews hastened to add that he personally was not advocating or condoning bestiality, “but, then again, I’ve never been a soldier and wouldn’t want to presume I could judge his needs, especially on a battlefield far from home. If cozying up to a sheep or goat helps take the edge off, who am I to say no?”
DNC Chair Likens Voter ID Laws to Jim Crow Era
Chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) lashed out at the bevy of recently passed state voter ID laws, calling them “a return of the Jim Crow era.”
“Voting is a human right,” Wasserman-Schultz maintained. “The job of those monitoring election day voting is simple. If a human wants to vote he or she should be given a ballot. There’s no need to complicate the issue by insisting that any human must be forced to identify who he is before being allowed to exercise this sacred right.”
The DNC Chair belittled the fears of vote fraud that inspired the state legislation. “Why do we need to register voters in advance?” she asked. “Why shouldn’t a person be allowed to decide at the last minute that he wants to vote? Why should a person who spontaneously takes an interest be disenfranchised?”
Neither should the possibility of multiple votes by the same person be cause for concern, Wasserman-Schultz contended. “First of all, I doubt it would be widespread,” she guessed. “But even if it does occur there is already plenty of precedent for it. People can vote multiple times on American Idol or for members of profession sports all-star teams. These are workable systems that accommodate voter enthusiasm. I mean, a person who would go to the trouble of voting multiple times obviously cares very deeply. Why shouldn’t we factor that into the much more important presidential and congressional election processes?”
U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder moved to uphold the DNC’s position by announcing that he is suspending all state voter ID laws “until I have had an adequate opportunity to review and approve them. The fundamental presumption must be that all adults be allowed to vote. Any system that infringes on this is prima facie, illegal.”
Wasserman-Schultz advised those who want to avoid undue scrutiny of their voting behavior to “vote by mail whenever that option is available. No one checks your ID. Dozens of voters can use the same address. Don’t let the Jim Crow ‘wanna bes’ of the GOP hamper your participation in the democratic process.”
In related news, Wisconsin’s Government Accountability Board confirmed that ALL signatures on petitions to recall Governor Scott Walker will be presumed valid. “We cannot just assume that a signature for Mickey Mouse or Adolf Hitler is invalid,” said petition reviewer Katie Mueller. “For all we know, there could be such persons among the electorate. Voters can’t be disenfranchised just because they have an unusual name.”
Feds Report that Half the Country’s Families Fall in the Bottom 50% of Income
In a press release issued by former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), federal data indicates that fully half of the population falls into the bottom 50% of the income distribution.
“It is heartrending that anyone should have to try to get by on less than an average income, but to have to put up with half the country—many of them children and minorities—suffering in this way is intolerable,” Pelosi said.
As a step toward eradicating this travesty, the former Speaker demanded that Congress extend unemployment benefits yet again. “In an ideal world, no one would have to subsist on a below average income,” she opined. “Until we get there, though, we’ve got to do everything we can to help those who are unable or unwilling to help themselves. Putting money into the pockets of those without jobs is the safest and surest way to do that.”
By her calculations, “extending unemployment compensation will immediately add 600,000 jobs to our economy. Recipients would rush out and buy stuff causing employment to soar. If we were smart enough to make the extension permanent and unlimited we could add an untold number of new jobs—probably billions within a very short period of time.”
The chief impediment to this infinite cycle of prosperity according to Pelosi is “pure politics.” “Republicans would rather see people suffer than acquiesce in measures that would ensure President Obama’s reelection,” she accused. “They say that continually paying people for being out of work undermines their incentive to take a job. What they overlook is that a job is just a means to an end. Most people would be happier if they didn’t have to work for an income. The Democratic Party is on the side of this majority. If we can get this message to enough voters before next November, the future of this country will be assured.”
Obama Administration Collecting GOP E-Mail Addresses
President Obama urged his supporters to forward to him the e-mail addresses of friends’ who favor the GOP. Despite the potentially Orwellian implications, the Administration asserts its intentions are good.
“Look, would you prefer that your first inkling that you’ve gotten crosswise with your government be when a SWAT team breaks down your door?” Press Secretary Jay Carney asked. “Wouldn’t a heads-up via e-mail be a kinder and gentler nudge toward compliance?”
Carney also emphasized the cost-effectiveness of the e-mail warning approach. “With one push of a button we can get the word out to millions,” he pointed out. “They, in-turn, can forward it to others we don’t have in our database. Thus, at a minimal cost we will be able to notify millions. Personal visits from the National Security Force could be targeted only on those who fail to heed the e-mail advisory.”
Fonda Demands Higher Taxes on Rich
Left-wing crank Jane Fonda lent her support to President Obama’s “tax-the-rich” mantra by recounting that “all the rich people I know favor higher taxes.”
Fonda disdained the option of voluntarily paying more. “Sure, we could freely hand over more money if we wanted to,” she admitted. “There’s nothing stopping us from giving the government more of what we have. The problem with that, though, is that the volition would still be in the hands of the individual. People could still opt not to give.”
“What this country needs is a collective redistribution of wealth,” Fonda continued. “It shouldn’t be anyone’s option to decide how much of his or her own wealth to keep. That decision should belong to the government. It’s a matter of principle. Do we want to live in a world where the individual charts his own selfish course? Or do we want a society where the distribution of output is socially determined? Those of us on the right side of this moral divide stand with the President in his quest to take from those who have and give to those who need.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News