Feds Sanction Arizona Sheriff

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio was sternly rebuked by the US Justice Department for allowing ethnic bias to influence his efforts to crack down on illegal immigrants from Mexico.

“Instead of using our preferred methods for randomizing the enforcement presence, Arpaio has consistently focused his attention on persons of obvious Mexican heritage,” Assistant US Attorney General Thomas Perez charged. “His methods are completely ineffective against illegal entry by persons from Europe or Asia—leaving both Arizona and the nation vulnerable to incursions from these sources.”

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano announced that her Department would join with the Department of Justice to block the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office’s access to any federal criminal databases—including fingerprints and DNA. “It’s not as if he hasn’t had fair warning,” Napolitano claimed. “The model for random enforcement has been repeatedly demonstrated by our TSA. Despite considerable public criticism and political pressure we have refused to narrow our search for Islamic terrorists by using ethnic criteria.” Arpaio labeled the sanctions “foolish and politically motivated.

Arizona doesn’t border Europe or Asia. It borders Mexico. Anyone with any sense can see that the overwhelming source of illegal entry is from Mexico. Focusing on illegals coming from Mexico is far more pertinent and cost-effective than pursuing some fantasy of ‘balanced’ or randomized enforcement.”

“Blocking our access to federal databases will force us to release dangerous criminal suspects that we might otherwise have been able to identify,” Arpaio complained. “This endangers public safety and is particularly bad for the Latino communities where these Mexican criminals are apt to hide and commit their crimes.”

Napolitano acknowledged that cutting off access to federal databases could pose problems for local law enforcement, but insisted that these could be easily resolved by getting rid of Arpaio. “If Arpaio were to resign or be voted out in a recall election we could quickly restore Maricopa County’s access to our national criminal files,” Napolitano promised.

Repeal of Ban on Bestiality Defended

Representative Rob Andrews (D-NJ), a member of the House Armed Services Committee, defended Congressional repeal of the military ban on bestiality, calling it a “humanitarian measure.”

“Look, if we don’t want our troops to rape enemy women we’ve got to let them have the barnyard animals,” Andrews reasoned.

Andrews hastened to add that he personally was not advocating or condoning bestiality, “but, then again, I’ve never been a soldier and wouldn’t want to presume I could judge his needs, especially on a battlefield far from home. If cozying up to a sheep or goat helps take the edge off, who am I to say no?”

DNC Chair Likens Voter ID Laws to Jim Crow Era

Chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) lashed out at the bevy of recently passed state voter ID laws, calling them “a return of the Jim Crow era.”

“Voting is a human right,” Wasserman-Schultz maintained. “The job of those monitoring election day voting is simple. If a human wants to vote he or she should be given a ballot. There’s no need to complicate the issue by insisting that any human must be forced to identify who he is before being allowed to exercise this sacred right.”

The DNC Chair belittled the fears of vote fraud that inspired the state legislation. “Why do we need to register voters in advance?” she asked. “Why shouldn’t a person be allowed to decide at the last minute that he wants to vote? Why should a person who spontaneously takes an interest be disenfranchised?”

Neither should the possibility of multiple votes by the same person be cause for concern, Wasserman-Schultz contended. “First of all, I doubt it would be widespread,” she guessed. “But even if it does occur there is already plenty of precedent for it. People can vote multiple times on American Idol or for members of profession sports all-star teams. These are workable systems that accommodate voter enthusiasm. I mean, a person who would go to the trouble of voting multiple times obviously cares very deeply. Why shouldn’t we factor that into the much more important presidential and congressional election processes?”

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder moved to uphold the DNC’s position by announcing that he is suspending all state voter ID laws “until I have had an adequate opportunity to review and approve them. The fundamental presumption must be that all adults be allowed to vote. Any system that infringes on this is prima facie, illegal.”

Wasserman-Schultz advised those who want to avoid undue scrutiny of their voting behavior to “vote by mail whenever that option is available. No one checks your ID. Dozens of voters can use the same address. Don’t let the Jim Crow ‘wanna bes’ of the GOP hamper your participation in the democratic process.”

In related news, Wisconsin’s Government Accountability Board confirmed that ALL signatures on petitions to recall Governor Scott Walker will be presumed valid. “We cannot just assume that a signature for Mickey Mouse or Adolf Hitler is invalid,” said petition reviewer Katie Mueller. “For all we know, there could be such persons among the electorate. Voters can’t be disenfranchised just because they have an unusual name.”

Feds Report that Half the Country’s Families Fall in the Bottom 50% of Income

In a press release issued by former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), federal data indicates that fully half of the population falls into the bottom 50% of the income distribution.

“It is heartrending that anyone should have to try to get by on less than an average income, but to have to put up with half the country—many of them children and minorities—suffering in this way is intolerable,” Pelosi said.

As a step toward eradicating this travesty, the former Speaker demanded that Congress extend unemployment benefits yet again. “In an ideal world, no one would have to subsist on a below average income,” she opined. “Until we get there, though, we’ve got to do everything we can to help those who are unable or unwilling to help themselves. Putting money into the pockets of those without jobs is the safest and surest way to do that.”

By her calculations, “extending unemployment compensation will immediately add 600,000 jobs to our economy. Recipients would rush out and buy stuff causing employment to soar. If we were smart enough to make the extension permanent and unlimited we could add an untold number of new jobs—probably billions within a very short period of time.”

The chief impediment to this infinite cycle of prosperity according to Pelosi is “pure politics.” “Republicans would rather see people suffer than acquiesce in measures that would ensure President Obama’s reelection,” she accused. “They say that continually paying people for being out of work undermines their incentive to take a job. What they overlook is that a job is just a means to an end. Most people would be happier if they didn’t have to work for an income. The Democratic Party is on the side of this majority. If we can get this message to enough voters before next November, the future of this country will be assured.”

Obama Administration Collecting GOP E-Mail Addresses

President Obama urged his supporters to forward to him the e-mail addresses of friends’ who favor the GOP. Despite the potentially Orwellian implications, the Administration asserts its intentions are good.

“Look, would you prefer that your first inkling that you’ve gotten crosswise with your government be when a SWAT team breaks down your door?” Press Secretary Jay Carney asked. “Wouldn’t a heads-up via e-mail be a kinder and gentler nudge toward compliance?”

Carney also emphasized the cost-effectiveness of the e-mail warning approach. “With one push of a button we can get the word out to millions,” he pointed out. “They, in-turn, can forward it to others we don’t have in our database. Thus, at a minimal cost we will be able to notify millions. Personal visits from the National Security Force could be targeted only on those who fail to heed the e-mail advisory.”

Fonda Demands Higher Taxes on Rich

Left-wing crank Jane Fonda lent her support to President Obama’s “tax-the-rich” mantra by recounting that “all the rich people I know favor higher taxes.”

Fonda disdained the option of voluntarily paying more. “Sure, we could freely hand over more money if we wanted to,” she admitted. “There’s nothing stopping us from giving the government more of what we have. The problem with that, though, is that the volition would still be in the hands of the individual. People could still opt not to give.”

“What this country needs is a collective redistribution of wealth,” Fonda continued. “It shouldn’t be anyone’s option to decide how much of his or her own wealth to keep. That decision should belong to the government. It’s a matter of principle. Do we want to live in a world where the individual charts his own selfish course? Or do we want a society where the distribution of output is socially determined? Those of us on the right side of this moral divide stand with the President in his quest to take from those who have and give to those who need.”

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Gun Scandal Blamed on Right-Wing Radicals

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Department of Justice’s “Fast & Furious” scheme that resulted in thousands of weapons finding their way into the hands of Mexican gangsters is really the fault of America’s right-wing radicals according to Representative Hank Johnson (D-Georgia).

“If it weren’t for the NRA (National Rifle Association) and their ilk constantly blocking government efforts to limit access to firearms in this country there would’ve been no need for the DOJ to take such a risky action,” Johnson argued. “The so-called Constitutional ‘right to bear arms’ is an anachronism in today’s America. Unlike 200 years ago, people don’t have to hunt for their food. Neither do they have to fight off Indian raids. In short, the majority of people don’t need to own guns. They’d be much safer if we simply outlawed them.”

“Unfortunately, lobbying efforts by the NRA have created an environment where it is politically impossible for the government to take steps to disarm the population,” Johnson went on. “We can’t really blame the Administration for attempting to change the political environment via covert means. The murders that were committed with the weapons channeled to the Mexican drug lords were supposed to spark a popular demand for more gun control. Just because the Administration lost control of the narrative on these events doesn’t mean their intentions weren’t good. Attorney General Holder deserves credit for effort, not condemnation for failure.”

Attorney General Defends Misleading Congress

Attorney General Eric Holder rebutted accusations that he lied to Congress about his Department’s gun smuggling scheme, insisting that he has merely been “misleading” them.

“A lie is when an evil person deliberately twists the truth,” Holder maintained. “However, there are situations in which a person may be forced to twist the truth in order to prevent an evil outcome.

Misleading ones enemies for the good of the nation is a higher form of patriotism.”

Holder pointed out that “misleading Congress is one of the milder options that an Administration may use to protect itself. Let’s not forget that President Lincoln suspended habeas corpus, jailed members of a state legislature, and deported a sitting member of Congress in order to save the nation. History has vindicated his usurpations of Constitutional authority.

Who’s to say that president Obama should place the petty vanities of today’s Congress ahead of what he regards as his historical mission to transform this country.” President Obama rallied to the support of his embattled Attorney General, reminding his GOP critics that “under the National Defense Authorization Act, I, as Commander-in-Chief, have broad authority to act against threats as I perceive them.

This includes the use of deadly force if needed. Inasmuch as I have already had nearly two dozen of this country’s enemies killed on my orders, my resolve should not be in doubt.”

Gingrich’s Sister Endorses Obama

Candace Gingrich-Jones, the homosexual-rights activist half-sister of GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, came out strongly against his candidacy because of his position on gay rights.

“My brother is out of step with history on this issue,” she said. “Since a main thrust of his campaign is based on his knowledge of history this has got to be a red flag for voters. Do they want to elect someone who will try to block the inevitable tide? Or do they want someone who will go with the flow?”

The person who will “go with the flow” according to Gingrich-Jones is President Barack Obama. “I am especially pleased that he and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have placed the protection of homosexual demands at the top of this nation’s list of foreign policy priorities,” Gingrich-Jones observed. “The president is someone I feel we can trust. He is one of us at his core. He would never betray our interests. He’s won my vote.”

Drunken Idiot Congressman Fires Disloyal Staffers

Representative Rick Larsen (D-Wash) dismissed three legislative aides after learning that they had “tweeted” tales of his on-the-job drunkenness, goofing off, and idiocy.

“It’s a simple question of loyalty,” Larsen explained. “Anybody on my payroll is paid to make me look good, to help me be reelected, to serve my needs. If they can’t do that I don’t want them.”

Larsen declined to address whether there was any truth to the tweets. “As Pontius Pilate once asked, ‘what is truth?’” Larsen recalled. “The perspectives of these ‘wet-behind-the-ears’ novices cannot be taken seriously. I’ve been in Congress for over a decade. My constituents obviously have confidence that I’m not a drunk, a goof-off, or an idiot. Until they say otherwise, let’s assume that I’m not.”

Despite 14-Year Sentence, Blagojevich Upbeat

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (D) was surprisingly upbeat despite being sentenced to 14 years in federal prison for corruption. The conviction stemmed from Blagojevich’s attempts to sell the Senate seat that was vacated by Illinois Senator Barack Obama’s election as President in 2008. “I didn’t do anything wrong except get caught,” Blagojevich insisted. “I didn’t hurt anybody. Selling appointments is one of the traditional perks a governor has in this state. I’m sure that President Obama understands that.” Blagojevich says he is confident that he will be pardoned after the 2012 presidential election. “I know that Barack can’t do anything before then,” Blagojevich acknowledged. “The Republicans would try to crucify him if he did. But afterwards, though, he’ll have a free hand.

Guys like me and Tony (Rezko) have kept a lot of secrets. President Obama has got to respect that and reward us for our discretion.”

President Blames Efficiency for Poor Economy

President Barack Obama launched his reelection campaign with a firm slap at efficiency as the cause of the nation’s economic doldrums.

“While the pursuit of efficiency may serve selfish interests it is a body blow to the nation’s collective well-being,” the President asserted. “Saving time or money may help the individual, but it hurts the opportunity of others who need to make a living.”

“Automated systems that save a person time also eliminate job opportunities for others,” Obama pointed out. “If you go online to book a trip you are costing a travel agent a job. If you use e-mail rather than the Post Office you are costing a mail carrier a job. The technologies that enable these efficiencies are costing jobs.”

“The argument that these technologies also save money further illustrates the economic cost of these innovations,” the President added. “In a time of recession the need is for higher spending. Thus, every innovation that saves money is taking us further from our goal of full employment.”

The president urged voters to “get outside the narrow perspective of one’s own self interest and consider what’s best for the country as a whole. The Democratic Party’s program of increased regulations and taxes is a program for creating jobs. Think about it. Adding regulations requires more government employees to impose and enforce them. It requires more private sector employees to assist firms to comply.”

“The same can be said for boosting tax rates,” Obama continued. “More government employees will be needed to impose and enforce them. More private sector employees will be needed to comply. Further, the funds that higher taxes extract from the private sector will give the government more to spend to stimulate the economy.”

“It’s time that we reject the false god of efficiency and make the workers’ benefit our standard,” Obama demanded. “We need policies that will replace machines with human workers wherever it is feasible to do so. This will be the program of my Administration. If you agree, vote Democrat next year.”

Clinton Calls for New Egyptian Government to Respect Democratic Norms

Now that Islamists have won a majority in the newly elected Egyptian Parliament, US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is urging that they observe democratic norms for determining how to proceed with the persecution of minorities.

“They must not allow unruly mobs to rampage through Christian or Jewish communities looting, maiming, and killing at will,” Clinton warned. “Oppression must be orderly and fully authorized by law. Property must be seized by government authorities backed by enabling legislation.”

“Undesirable elements must be clearly identified by statute,” the Secretary asserted. “The means for their elimination whether by deportation, incarceration, or extermination must be explicitly defined by law. Government appointed judges, not anarchic mobs must be the source of all death penalties for heretics, apostates, and unbelievers. The accused must be given a government sanctioned trial before they are hanged or stoned for violations of sharia law.” “There is a right way and a wrong way to carry out the will of the majority,” Clinton said. “All we are asking is that the appropriate processes and procedures of a democratic form of government be followed.”

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White House Threatens to Cancel Congressional Holidays

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Bristling over what he labeled “unwarranted attempts to undo my accomplishments,” President Obama threatened to cancel this year’s Christmas and New Years’ holiday if GOP members of Congress do not accede to his demand for a “clean” omnibus $900 billion spending bill. The hang-up appears to be over Republican efforts to attach “riders” that would block federal funding of abortions and Wall Street bonuses to the bill.

“The president will shut down the government before he would knuckle under to such pressure,” White House Budget Director Jack Lew warned. “A woman’s right to an abortion must not be held hostage by the advocates of a rejected moral theory. Neither should the President be impeded in his efforts to revive the economy via carefully crafted assistance to firms that are cooperating fully with his transformative agenda.” Lew was emphatic that “the President will veto any bill that infringes on his objectives.”

Lew brushed aside concerns that lack of Congressional action could shut down the government. “Whether he allows the government to shut down is his call. He could keep everything running by issuing an Executive Order appropriating the necessary funds. Or he could try teaching Congress a lesson by holding them in continuous session throughout the holidays until they pass the bill he wants.”

“Republicans can take the heat from the American people for forcing the president to shut down the government or they can take the heat from their Democratic colleagues for wrecking everyone’s holiday,” Lew taunted. “In the end, the president will get his way one way or another. The GOP can accept this reality or suffer from futilely opposing his will.”

Catholic Church Lobbying Called Improper

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced efforts by the Catholic Church to persuade the Department of Health and Human Services to rescind new regulations that will force Catholics to engage in activities that violate their faith. The regulations would require all Americans to purchase coverage for services—like abortion—that are banned by Catholic tenets. The regulations also require all health service providers to offer these services regardless of any personal, religious, or ethical objections.

“The Church’s attempt to meddle with affairs of state is offensive to our system of government,” Pelosi contended. “We don’t live in a theocracy. In America, we have separation of church and state. It’s not their job to criticize our laws. Didn’t Jesus instruct his followers to render unto Caesar? Why isn’t the Church hierarchy obeying this divine guidance?”

“Besides, what they’re asking for is special treatment,” Pelosi went on. “We can’t have different rules for Catholics than for everyone else. The law has to apply to all. There can be no exceptions.”

In addition to assailing the substance of the Church’s lobbying effort Pelosi also found fault with the method.

“They don’t even know how to play the game,” Pelosi laughed. “All they have to offer is an argument. Where are the campaign donations, the sweetheart deals, and insider information? I mean, what do we in government have to gain for giving them what they ask? If they can’t make it worth our while why should we listen?”

Bill Authorizes Martial Law for America

A recently passed Senate Bill—the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA)—grants broad new authority to the Department of Defense (DOD) to arrest and detain civilians who are suspected of being enemies of the state. In any area that the DOD declares to be a “zone of conflict” it would be empowered to apprehend and imprison suspected enemies “for the duration of the conflict.” The Bill explicitly repeals the 1878 Posse Comitatus ban on the use of US troops against civilians within the borders of the United States.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta called the expanded authority “absolutely necessary tools for defeating those who would attempt to bring down our government—whether from external attack or internal sabotage.”

Panetta acknowledged that these new powers contradict protections guaranteed in the Bill of Rights, but asserted that “the threats we face today warrant extraordinary steps to counter them. After all, it’s not as if we’d be totally obliterating the protections against wrongful imprisonment. Those accused of crimes against the private sector would still be granted the privilege of a speedy trial before a jury of their peers. It would only be when then intended target is the government itself that this new emergency authority would be deployed.” The Secretary characterized fears that such sweeping powers could be abused as “overwrought.”

“Such fears postulate that the government itself would act against the people’s best interests,” Panetta observed. “But this overlooks the fact that the government is composed of persons who are of the people, elected by the people, and for the benefit of the people. An abuse of power would be a betrayal of trust that could only be contemplated by a tyrant. I assure you that I am not a tyrant and neither is President Obama.”

President Confident in Daughters’ Future

President Obama expressed confidence that “even if America fails, I have no fear that Sasha and Malia will suffer as a consequence.”

Obama said his confidence springs from “two crucial truths—money and connections. My children will have the benefit of both. I’ve already made a few million dollars on my way up. There’ll be plenty more when I leave office—book advances, speaking fees, and leftover campaign donations, to name some.”

“On top of the money I can give them will be the doors I have opened for them,” Obama added. “I’ve helped them escape from the dreadful public school system. The contacts they make at the Sidwell Friends academy will be the children of the rich and powerful. They will grow up as members of the elite.”

“I may not be able to revive the economy, millions of Americans may never work again, and bankruptcy may ruin the lives of the masses, but my girls won’t be counted among the victims,” Obama boasted. “What other father can say he’s done as much for his children as I have? Only a rare few, I’d think.”

Paying Unemployment Compensation Essential to President’s Plan

U.S. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis says extension of unemployment benefits is essential to the President’s plan for the economic transformation of America.

“It is a travesty that anyone in America should be forced to work in order to take home an income,” Solis asserted. “Yet, that is the very thing we face if eligibility that is slated to run out December 31 of this year isn’t extended. Ideally, the link between income and work ought to be completely severed. Government should ensure that everyone gets what he needs whether he is able to work or not. I mean, those who are able should work.

But if a person can’t should we just let him starve?”

Solis called the extension of eligibility for unemployment compensation a “stopgap measure that will have to do until true social justice is the accepted policy. If we must utilize a stratagem of perpetual extensions in lieu of a more explicit acknowledgment of a basic human need for sustenance that lies apart from one’s contribution to output, well, so be it.”

House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md) criticized “the cruelty of my GOP colleagues who are subjecting Americans to the uncertainty of the marketplace for their source of income. The notion that someone should be compelled to produce before he can consume is archaic in these modern times. There is plenty of wealth to spread around. The pittances we offer via unemployment compensation are really only a down payment on our society’s debt to social justice. We ought not balk at fulfilling this duty.”

Senator Predicts Gains for Democrats in 2012 Election

Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) claims that the ailing economy will aid the election of Democrats next year.

“When people are prosperous they can afford to vote Republican,” Schumer argued. “Their incomes are coming from customers at their own business or wages paid by the owners of profit-making firms. When business is bad is when they need government to supply the means for putting food on the table.” “

The more businesses that fail, the more workers that are laid off, the longer the unemployment lines are, the better it is for the Democratic Party,” Schumer said. “It is in hard times that people realize that they need government to bail them out. Government stands above the vicissitudes of economic uncertainty. Government doesn’t have to rely on fickle consumers to hand over money. It can tax, borrow, or print as much as it needs. It can then spend that money for the benefit of the people. I think voters instinctively sense this and will happily pull the lever for Democratic candidates next November.”

White House Seals Gun Smuggling Records

In a bid to end what he characterized as “merciless harassment that impedes my ability to carry out the policy of this Administration,” President Obama ordered all records pertaining to the murder of Border Patrol agent Brian Terry sealed.

“Attorney General Holder can’t work with someone second-guessing his every move,” Obama complained. “As long as I have a say he’ll get the privacy he needs. Those who don’t like it can try voting me out.”

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