White House Threatens to Cancel Congressional Holidays

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Bristling over what he labeled “unwarranted attempts to undo my accomplishments,” President Obama threatened to cancel this year’s Christmas and New Years’ holiday if GOP members of Congress do not accede to his demand for a “clean” omnibus $900 billion spending bill. The hang-up appears to be over Republican efforts to attach “riders” that would block federal funding of abortions and Wall Street bonuses to the bill.

“The president will shut down the government before he would knuckle under to such pressure,” White House Budget Director Jack Lew warned. “A woman’s right to an abortion must not be held hostage by the advocates of a rejected moral theory. Neither should the President be impeded in his efforts to revive the economy via carefully crafted assistance to firms that are cooperating fully with his transformative agenda.” Lew was emphatic that “the President will veto any bill that infringes on his objectives.”

Lew brushed aside concerns that lack of Congressional action could shut down the government. “Whether he allows the government to shut down is his call. He could keep everything running by issuing an Executive Order appropriating the necessary funds. Or he could try teaching Congress a lesson by holding them in continuous session throughout the holidays until they pass the bill he wants.”

“Republicans can take the heat from the American people for forcing the president to shut down the government or they can take the heat from their Democratic colleagues for wrecking everyone’s holiday,” Lew taunted. “In the end, the president will get his way one way or another. The GOP can accept this reality or suffer from futilely opposing his will.”

Catholic Church Lobbying Called Improper

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced efforts by the Catholic Church to persuade the Department of Health and Human Services to rescind new regulations that will force Catholics to engage in activities that violate their faith. The regulations would require all Americans to purchase coverage for services—like abortion—that are banned by Catholic tenets. The regulations also require all health service providers to offer these services regardless of any personal, religious, or ethical objections.

“The Church’s attempt to meddle with affairs of state is offensive to our system of government,” Pelosi contended. “We don’t live in a theocracy. In America, we have separation of church and state. It’s not their job to criticize our laws. Didn’t Jesus instruct his followers to render unto Caesar? Why isn’t the Church hierarchy obeying this divine guidance?”

“Besides, what they’re asking for is special treatment,” Pelosi went on. “We can’t have different rules for Catholics than for everyone else. The law has to apply to all. There can be no exceptions.”

In addition to assailing the substance of the Church’s lobbying effort Pelosi also found fault with the method.

“They don’t even know how to play the game,” Pelosi laughed. “All they have to offer is an argument. Where are the campaign donations, the sweetheart deals, and insider information? I mean, what do we in government have to gain for giving them what they ask? If they can’t make it worth our while why should we listen?”

Bill Authorizes Martial Law for America

A recently passed Senate Bill—the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA)—grants broad new authority to the Department of Defense (DOD) to arrest and detain civilians who are suspected of being enemies of the state. In any area that the DOD declares to be a “zone of conflict” it would be empowered to apprehend and imprison suspected enemies “for the duration of the conflict.” The Bill explicitly repeals the 1878 Posse Comitatus ban on the use of US troops against civilians within the borders of the United States.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta called the expanded authority “absolutely necessary tools for defeating those who would attempt to bring down our government—whether from external attack or internal sabotage.”

Panetta acknowledged that these new powers contradict protections guaranteed in the Bill of Rights, but asserted that “the threats we face today warrant extraordinary steps to counter them. After all, it’s not as if we’d be totally obliterating the protections against wrongful imprisonment. Those accused of crimes against the private sector would still be granted the privilege of a speedy trial before a jury of their peers. It would only be when then intended target is the government itself that this new emergency authority would be deployed.” The Secretary characterized fears that such sweeping powers could be abused as “overwrought.”

“Such fears postulate that the government itself would act against the people’s best interests,” Panetta observed. “But this overlooks the fact that the government is composed of persons who are of the people, elected by the people, and for the benefit of the people. An abuse of power would be a betrayal of trust that could only be contemplated by a tyrant. I assure you that I am not a tyrant and neither is President Obama.”

President Confident in Daughters’ Future

President Obama expressed confidence that “even if America fails, I have no fear that Sasha and Malia will suffer as a consequence.”

Obama said his confidence springs from “two crucial truths—money and connections. My children will have the benefit of both. I’ve already made a few million dollars on my way up. There’ll be plenty more when I leave office—book advances, speaking fees, and leftover campaign donations, to name some.”

“On top of the money I can give them will be the doors I have opened for them,” Obama added. “I’ve helped them escape from the dreadful public school system. The contacts they make at the Sidwell Friends academy will be the children of the rich and powerful. They will grow up as members of the elite.”

“I may not be able to revive the economy, millions of Americans may never work again, and bankruptcy may ruin the lives of the masses, but my girls won’t be counted among the victims,” Obama boasted. “What other father can say he’s done as much for his children as I have? Only a rare few, I’d think.”

Paying Unemployment Compensation Essential to President’s Plan

U.S. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis says extension of unemployment benefits is essential to the President’s plan for the economic transformation of America.

“It is a travesty that anyone in America should be forced to work in order to take home an income,” Solis asserted. “Yet, that is the very thing we face if eligibility that is slated to run out December 31 of this year isn’t extended. Ideally, the link between income and work ought to be completely severed. Government should ensure that everyone gets what he needs whether he is able to work or not. I mean, those who are able should work.

But if a person can’t should we just let him starve?”

Solis called the extension of eligibility for unemployment compensation a “stopgap measure that will have to do until true social justice is the accepted policy. If we must utilize a stratagem of perpetual extensions in lieu of a more explicit acknowledgment of a basic human need for sustenance that lies apart from one’s contribution to output, well, so be it.”

House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md) criticized “the cruelty of my GOP colleagues who are subjecting Americans to the uncertainty of the marketplace for their source of income. The notion that someone should be compelled to produce before he can consume is archaic in these modern times. There is plenty of wealth to spread around. The pittances we offer via unemployment compensation are really only a down payment on our society’s debt to social justice. We ought not balk at fulfilling this duty.”

Senator Predicts Gains for Democrats in 2012 Election

Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) claims that the ailing economy will aid the election of Democrats next year.

“When people are prosperous they can afford to vote Republican,” Schumer argued. “Their incomes are coming from customers at their own business or wages paid by the owners of profit-making firms. When business is bad is when they need government to supply the means for putting food on the table.” “

The more businesses that fail, the more workers that are laid off, the longer the unemployment lines are, the better it is for the Democratic Party,” Schumer said. “It is in hard times that people realize that they need government to bail them out. Government stands above the vicissitudes of economic uncertainty. Government doesn’t have to rely on fickle consumers to hand over money. It can tax, borrow, or print as much as it needs. It can then spend that money for the benefit of the people. I think voters instinctively sense this and will happily pull the lever for Democratic candidates next November.”

White House Seals Gun Smuggling Records

In a bid to end what he characterized as “merciless harassment that impedes my ability to carry out the policy of this Administration,” President Obama ordered all records pertaining to the murder of Border Patrol agent Brian Terry sealed.

“Attorney General Holder can’t work with someone second-guessing his every move,” Obama complained. “As long as I have a say he’ll get the privacy he needs. Those who don’t like it can try voting me out.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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