By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The Department of Justice’s “Fast & Furious” scheme that resulted in thousands of weapons finding their way into the hands of Mexican gangsters is really the fault of America’s right-wing radicals according to Representative Hank Johnson (D-Georgia).
“If it weren’t for the NRA (National Rifle Association) and their ilk constantly blocking government efforts to limit access to firearms in this country there would’ve been no need for the DOJ to take such a risky action,” Johnson argued. “The so-called Constitutional ‘right to bear arms’ is an anachronism in today’s America. Unlike 200 years ago, people don’t have to hunt for their food. Neither do they have to fight off Indian raids. In short, the majority of people don’t need to own guns. They’d be much safer if we simply outlawed them.”
“Unfortunately, lobbying efforts by the NRA have created an environment where it is politically impossible for the government to take steps to disarm the population,” Johnson went on. “We can’t really blame the Administration for attempting to change the political environment via covert means. The murders that were committed with the weapons channeled to the Mexican drug lords were supposed to spark a popular demand for more gun control. Just because the Administration lost control of the narrative on these events doesn’t mean their intentions weren’t good. Attorney General Holder deserves credit for effort, not condemnation for failure.”
Attorney General Defends Misleading Congress
Attorney General Eric Holder rebutted accusations that he lied to Congress about his Department’s gun smuggling scheme, insisting that he has merely been “misleading” them.
“A lie is when an evil person deliberately twists the truth,” Holder maintained. “However, there are situations in which a person may be forced to twist the truth in order to prevent an evil outcome.
Misleading ones enemies for the good of the nation is a higher form of patriotism.”
Holder pointed out that “misleading Congress is one of the milder options that an Administration may use to protect itself. Let’s not forget that President Lincoln suspended habeas corpus, jailed members of a state legislature, and deported a sitting member of Congress in order to save the nation. History has vindicated his usurpations of Constitutional authority.
Who’s to say that president Obama should place the petty vanities of today’s Congress ahead of what he regards as his historical mission to transform this country.” President Obama rallied to the support of his embattled Attorney General, reminding his GOP critics that “under the National Defense Authorization Act, I, as Commander-in-Chief, have broad authority to act against threats as I perceive them.
This includes the use of deadly force if needed. Inasmuch as I have already had nearly two dozen of this country’s enemies killed on my orders, my resolve should not be in doubt.”
Gingrich’s Sister Endorses Obama
Candace Gingrich-Jones, the homosexual-rights activist half-sister of GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, came out strongly against his candidacy because of his position on gay rights.
“My brother is out of step with history on this issue,” she said. “Since a main thrust of his campaign is based on his knowledge of history this has got to be a red flag for voters. Do they want to elect someone who will try to block the inevitable tide? Or do they want someone who will go with the flow?”
The person who will “go with the flow” according to Gingrich-Jones is President Barack Obama. “I am especially pleased that he and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have placed the protection of homosexual demands at the top of this nation’s list of foreign policy priorities,” Gingrich-Jones observed. “The president is someone I feel we can trust. He is one of us at his core. He would never betray our interests. He’s won my vote.”
Drunken Idiot Congressman Fires Disloyal Staffers
Representative Rick Larsen (D-Wash) dismissed three legislative aides after learning that they had “tweeted” tales of his on-the-job drunkenness, goofing off, and idiocy.
“It’s a simple question of loyalty,” Larsen explained. “Anybody on my payroll is paid to make me look good, to help me be reelected, to serve my needs. If they can’t do that I don’t want them.”
Larsen declined to address whether there was any truth to the tweets. “As Pontius Pilate once asked, ‘what is truth?’” Larsen recalled. “The perspectives of these ‘wet-behind-the-ears’ novices cannot be taken seriously. I’ve been in Congress for over a decade. My constituents obviously have confidence that I’m not a drunk, a goof-off, or an idiot. Until they say otherwise, let’s assume that I’m not.”
Despite 14-Year Sentence, Blagojevich Upbeat
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (D) was surprisingly upbeat despite being sentenced to 14 years in federal prison for corruption. The conviction stemmed from Blagojevich’s attempts to sell the Senate seat that was vacated by Illinois Senator Barack Obama’s election as President in 2008. “I didn’t do anything wrong except get caught,” Blagojevich insisted. “I didn’t hurt anybody. Selling appointments is one of the traditional perks a governor has in this state. I’m sure that President Obama understands that.” Blagojevich says he is confident that he will be pardoned after the 2012 presidential election. “I know that Barack can’t do anything before then,” Blagojevich acknowledged. “The Republicans would try to crucify him if he did. But afterwards, though, he’ll have a free hand.
Guys like me and Tony (Rezko) have kept a lot of secrets. President Obama has got to respect that and reward us for our discretion.”
President Blames Efficiency for Poor Economy
President Barack Obama launched his reelection campaign with a firm slap at efficiency as the cause of the nation’s economic doldrums.
“While the pursuit of efficiency may serve selfish interests it is a body blow to the nation’s collective well-being,” the President asserted. “Saving time or money may help the individual, but it hurts the opportunity of others who need to make a living.”
“Automated systems that save a person time also eliminate job opportunities for others,” Obama pointed out. “If you go online to book a trip you are costing a travel agent a job. If you use e-mail rather than the Post Office you are costing a mail carrier a job. The technologies that enable these efficiencies are costing jobs.”
“The argument that these technologies also save money further illustrates the economic cost of these innovations,” the President added. “In a time of recession the need is for higher spending. Thus, every innovation that saves money is taking us further from our goal of full employment.”
The president urged voters to “get outside the narrow perspective of one’s own self interest and consider what’s best for the country as a whole. The Democratic Party’s program of increased regulations and taxes is a program for creating jobs. Think about it. Adding regulations requires more government employees to impose and enforce them. It requires more private sector employees to assist firms to comply.”
“The same can be said for boosting tax rates,” Obama continued. “More government employees will be needed to impose and enforce them. More private sector employees will be needed to comply. Further, the funds that higher taxes extract from the private sector will give the government more to spend to stimulate the economy.”
“It’s time that we reject the false god of efficiency and make the workers’ benefit our standard,” Obama demanded. “We need policies that will replace machines with human workers wherever it is feasible to do so. This will be the program of my Administration. If you agree, vote Democrat next year.”
Clinton Calls for New Egyptian Government to Respect Democratic Norms
Now that Islamists have won a majority in the newly elected Egyptian Parliament, US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is urging that they observe democratic norms for determining how to proceed with the persecution of minorities.
“They must not allow unruly mobs to rampage through Christian or Jewish communities looting, maiming, and killing at will,” Clinton warned. “Oppression must be orderly and fully authorized by law. Property must be seized by government authorities backed by enabling legislation.”
“Undesirable elements must be clearly identified by statute,” the Secretary asserted. “The means for their elimination whether by deportation, incarceration, or extermination must be explicitly defined by law. Government appointed judges, not anarchic mobs must be the source of all death penalties for heretics, apostates, and unbelievers. The accused must be given a government sanctioned trial before they are hanged or stoned for violations of sharia law.” “There is a right way and a wrong way to carry out the will of the majority,” Clinton said. “All we are asking is that the appropriate processes and procedures of a democratic form of government be followed.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News