A Satirical Look Back at News in 2011: By John Semmens

Reading of Constitution in House Assailed

Jan 9

The new Republican majority’s insistence on an oral reading of the US Constitution in the House of Representatives was assailed by outspoken Democrats as “a colossal waste of our precious time.”

“Get real,” demanded Representative Jerrold Nadler (D-NY). “We don’t even have the time to read the bills we pass much less this ancient screed that no one takes serious anymore. Our job is to give the American people the government they need. We shouldn’t be limited by the quaint notions of men who died 200 years ago.”

Leftist loon of the TV show “The View,” Joy Behar wondered if “this reverence for an archaic scrap of paper is getting out of hand. The real agenda of these tea party Republicans is to use this document to handcuff Congress. Instead of just letting Congress and the President do what’s needed for this country, they want to restrict them to what is authorized in some hoary old piece of writing.”

Arizona Sheriff Defends Actions

Jan 16

Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik rejected the argument that his office might bear more responsibility for the assassination attempt on Representative Gabrielle Giffords (D-Az) than Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh.

“There are those who say that considering the numerous death threats Jared Loughner has made against various persons over the last year my office should have taken action against him before his Tucsonshooting spree,” Dupnik said. “But these threats were against unimportant people and therefore of admittedly narrow scope.

The broader threat was, and continues to be, that of right-wing extremism. Palin and Limbaugh are the foremost proponents of this extremism. As such, they are a bigger danger than one lone gunman.”

“Even though people are saying that there is no evidence that Loughner took inspiration from talk radio, that he never listened to Limbaugh’s show, that he doesn’t even know who Sarah Palin is doesn’t change the fact that the poisonous atmosphere spewing from the right is undermining support for the current Administration,” Dupnik continued. “Why, just last November the negative impact of these enemies of the President resulted in Republicans seizing control of the House of Representatives.

This will do more to thwart his agenda than a 100 Jared Loughners ever could.”

Constitution Mandates Health Care Say Representatives

Jan 23

In the midst of the Republican move to repeal last year’s health care legislation, several Democratic members of Congress advanced their case for the Constitutionality of the legislation.

Representative John Lewis (D-Georgia) sought to rebut the Republican case for repealing the law by arguing that “the right to health care is mandated by the Constitution.” As Lewis sees it, “The Constitution’s 14th Amendment guarantees equal protection under the law. That means if one person has health insurance then it is the government’s responsibility to make sure everyone has it.”

The Congressman rejected the GOP claim that forcing a person to purchase a product he may not want infringes on his liberty. “The concept of liberty is too vague to really be enforceable,” Lewis argued. “As I understand what the GOP is saying, liberty appears to mean that the government’s authority ought to be restricted in some way. I don’t see how the government can be expected to enforce restrictions on itself. I could also point out that the Constitution’s Preamble, where the word ‘liberty’ appears, has been superseded by the 14th Amendment’s subsequent guarantee of equality.”

Bolstering Lewis’ point, Representative Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) maintained that “health care is a right that the government has the power to enforce whether people like it or not. We can’t let people pick and choose which rights they want to exercise and which they don’t. Forcing everyone to enjoy the same rights is the only way we can ensure equality for all.”

Meanwhile, Representative John Conyers (D-Mich) insisted that “the Constitution’s ‘good and welfare’ clause is all the justification we need to support the Constitutionality of the health care law. We force people to do things all the time. We force them to pay for Social Security. We force them to undergo x-ray screening at airports. If the government decides a citizen’s welfare requires him to pay for health care insurance he must pay for it. We are the law makers. Citizens must do what the laws we make tell them to do.”

Internet “Kill Switch” Legislation Introduced Again

Feb 6

One of the ways in which the Mubarak regime tried to quell opposition was to shut down the Internet in Egypt. The idea was to block anti-government forces from communicating with one another. While this action has been widely viewed as an illegitimate attempt to interfere with freedom of speech, legislation conveying a similar authority to the President of the United Stateshas been reintroduced by Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine).

The bill—“The Protecting Cyberspace as a National Asset Act of 2010” (S.3480)—was originally introduced last year by Senator Joe Lieberman (D-Conn). It would give the President the power to declare an emergency and take control over the Internet in the US in order to block all unauthorized use.

Dems Oppose Blocking Federal Funding of Abortion

Feb 13

Key Democrats came out against legislation (H.R. 3 and H.R. 358) sponsored by Representatives Chris Smith (R-NJ) and Joe Pitts (R-Penn) that would block the use of federal money to pay for abortions and would protect health care providers who are morally opposed to abortion from being forced to provide it.

Speaking at a press conference to announce opposition to the legislation, Representative Diana DeGette (D-Col) vowed her “implacable resistance to any attempt to place limits on abortion. Women must not be denied this fundamental right because of their inability to pay for it out of their own pocket.”

DeGette rejected the suggestion that pro-choice proponents establish a fund to cover the costs of those unable to pay, stating that “it is unfair to compel a portion of the population to bear the whole burden of our collective responsibility to assist the less fortunate. A person should not have to rely on charity to secure her rights.”

Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) also attacked the bills. “We are a pro-choice country,” he declared. “Women have a Constitutional right to abortion. Impeding this right in any way is a virtual a declaration of war against women. In this war I stand with women and against those who would subjugate them.”

Weiner adamantly assailed “the idea that health care providers should be permitted to insert their own moral values into the equation. If the law declares that medical practitioners must provide pregnancy termination services as a condition of licensing then no nonconforming scruples can be allowed to interfere.”

Obama Administration Won’t Cooperate with Congressional Inquiries

Feb 20

A request by Representative Darrell Issa (R-Calif), Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, for testimony on the President’s “stimulus package” was rejected by the White House. At issue was the so-called Romer-Bernstein report (authored by Jared Bernstein, Vice President Joe Biden’s top economic adviser, and Christina Romer, the former head of the White House Council of Economic Advisors). The report portrays the stimulus package as a great success.
The White House has cleared Romer and Bernstein to appear on television to discuss it.

“If they can go on TV why can’t they testify in Congress?” asked Issa spokesman Kurt Bardella. “With unemployment at 9%, home foreclosures at distressingly high levels, and government budgets at all levels bleeding red ink we’d like to hear more about the reasoning behind the idea that the package was a success.”

Obama spokesman Reid Cherlin explained that “it is the GOP’s persistently hostile attitude toward the President’s agenda that is blocking the requested testimony. Why should Romer or Bernstein be thrown into the ‘lion’s den’ at a Republican hearing when we can still get our message out through a more friendly medium?”

President Defends Stimulus Cost

Feb 27

After the Congressional Budget Office issued estimates that the jobs “created” or “saved” by the federal stimulus program cost between $200,000 and $500,000 apiece, President Obama stoutly defended it.

“Those figures are just averages,” Obama argued. “The implication that every job was this costly is an unfair inference. Many of the jobs created were in the low income range, but the average was ballooned upward by the necessity to save expensive jobs on Wall Street and in corporate management. Over all, we provided opportunities across a wide spectrum of social classes, not just for the ‘six-figure’ guys.”

“And let’s not forget that not all of the money went to wages and salary,” Obama added. “Parceling out large sums of money isn’t easy. There’s overhead, handling, and vigorish that have to be paid, as well.”

Prez Says “Tea Party” Movement Racist

Mar 6

In a new book—Family of Freedom: Presidents and African Americans in the White House, by Newsweek reporter Kenneth Walsh—President Barack Obama is said to have characterized the so-called Tea Party movement as “racist.”

At a White House dinner party for political supporters the President pointed out that “the preceding 43 white presidents never had to face the kind of opposition I’ve had to face with these tea baggers. I find it very telling that such a movement only came to life after the first Black man took control of the government.”

“I mean, there have been some inept white men running the show,” the President continued. “I wouldn’t expect these right-wingers to go after guys like Reagan or Bush. But what about Jimmy Carter? Stagflation, gas lines, hostages—they were all on his watch. But he got a pass because he’s white. I think if we look closely at the facts the only coherent explanation we can come up with is racism.”

Feds Say They Can Strip-Search Anyone, Anytime

Mar 13

In response to a legal challenge to their warrant-less searches of air travelers, the Department of Homeland Security advanced the argument that it is authorized to conduct whatever searches it wants, whenever it wants, and wherever it wants.

“Our mandate under the Patriot Act is to keep this country safe,” said Secretary Janet Napolitano. “We cannot shy away from this duty out of misplaced concern for privacy lest the enemies of our government exploit such a weakness for their own malicious ends.”

Napolitano asserted that “air travelers or anyone venturing into any public place is assumed to have given implied consent to any measure we deem appropriate for carrying out our mandate. Being ogled, stripped, or probed are minor inconveniences compared to being blown to bits in a man-caused disaster.”

Dems Say More Domestic Oil Will Decrease Employment

Mar 20

Representatives Rob Andrews (D-NJ) and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) warned that GOP efforts to open moreUSterritory for oil drilling will decrease job opportunities.

“We can’t let ourselves panic over high fuel prices,” said Andrews. “On the surface, the high costs of driving look like they’d be bad for our economy. But when you really think about it, restricting access to cheap energy will actually help the economy grow.”

“If gasoline costs more people will be forced to buy more fuel-efficient cars like the Chevy Volt,” Andrews pointed out. “This creates jobs for General Motors. On top of that, we will need to build more electric charging stations to refill the batteries. Since recharging batteries takes considerably longer than refilling a gas tank drivers will need to kill time waiting. This will create a demand for something to do while waiting. This also will mean jobs for restaurants near recharging stations, video game manufacturers and the like.”

Representative Wasserman-Schultz seconded Andrews comments adding that “we need to consider the longer term outlook. Our current way of living is unsustainable. Oil is a finite resource. We need to move toward an economy based on infinite resources like wind and solar power. We’ve barely tapped these sources. Building windmills and solar collectors will employ millions.”

President Justifies Bypassing Congress on Libyan Attack

Mar 27

President Obama rebuffed critics of his approval of military attacks on the armed forces of Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhaffi.

“Let me say first that the assertion that I should have consulted Congress prior to authorizing our military intervention is based on an incorrect premise,” the President said. “It’s true that only Congress can declare war. However, there is no war. What I have authorized is best defined as ‘Kinetic Military Action.’”

Thus far, the “Kinetic Military Action” has entailed missile attacks on the tanks, troops, and aircraft deployed by Gadhaffi’s army. Though these types of attacks are among the actions most people would normally characterize as “war,” Obama stubbornly contended “I don’t see it that way.”

The president additionally argued that “obtaining Congressional approval for these attacks was unnecessary because they had already been cleared by the United Nations, which is, I think we’d all agree, a higher level of authority than the legislature of a single nation.”

“And it’s not as if I didn’t inform Congress of what was going on,” the president pointed out. “I sent them a rather nice letter outlining the steps I had taken and indicating the funds they would need to appropriate to support the costs of the operation.”

The president also denied that there was any contradiction with his 2007 statement that the President lacked the Constitutional authority to unilaterally authorize a military attack. “In 2007 we had an untrustworthy occupant in the Oval Office,” Obama argued.

“As a senator it was my duty to oppose his deployment of troops. Obviously, that situation no longer applies.”

Senator Carl Levin (D-Mich), chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee, endorsed the President’s action saying, “not only is it a question of the need for speed, but there’s also the chance that Congress might not have approved of the attacks. That would’ve made the President look weak. That wouldn’t have been good for the country. In matters of war and peace it is vital that we stand united behind our leader.”

Dems to Play “Hard Ball” on Government Shutdown

Apr 3

Undaunted by polls showing a majority of Americans aren’t opposed to a partial shutdown of the federal government if that’s what it takes to get deeper cuts in the deficit, leaders of the Democratic Party vowed to “make any shutdown as painful as we have to.”

President Obama asserted that “what many people don’t realize is that government spending is the vital fluid of our nation’s prosperity. Cutting it back by even one percent would be like putting a tourniquet around the economy’s neck. I can’t allow Congress to take such a dangerous course. If I have to I will use my authority as Commander-in-Chief to ensure that this doesn’t happen.”

“Voters should be careful of what they wish for,” added Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev). “They imagine that the President will put some bureaucrats on furlough for a couple of days a month or that programs they see as nonessential, like federal funding of the arts, will take the hit. Let’s see how they like it when their Social Security checks stop coming or the public schools are closed.”

In federal government “shutdowns” during the Reagan, Bush and Clinton Administrations furloughing nonessential bureaucrats was the main cost-saving step taken. Care was taken to continue spending for programs considered necessary for the nation’s safety and well-being. These included, among other things, law enforcement, national defense and Social Security payments. However, these were discretionary decisions made by nation’s Chief Executive. President Obama is under no legal obligation to adhere to this precedent.

President Urges Consumers to “Get used to Higher Gas Prices”

Apr 10

Calling higher prices “a key incentive for conserving,” President Obama told an audience of 500 employees at the Gamesa Technology Corp., a wind turbine manufacturing plant in Pennsylvania, that “we need to get used to higher gas prices for the sake of our environment.”

“There is no gain without at least a little pain,” the President argued. “Paying a few dollars more at the pump will encourage people to cut back on unnecessary trips and use public transit when they have to travel. If we’re going to save the planet we all have to make sacrifices.”

As an example of what a person could do, the president cited the fact that “I work from a home office. I’m not driving to work, burning hydrocarbons, adding to traffic congestion and air pollution. And when I find I do have to go out I never drive alone. I always carpool with a couple of bodyguards. If others would just do the same even if only for one or two days a week we’d make a significant contribution to solving our environmental problems. So, just think of higher fuel prices as kind of a ‘stick’ to help persuade more people to make the changes in their behavior that are required to clean the air.”

“Of course, the upside for you here at Gamesa is that when people can’t afford the high cost of fossil fuels they’ll be buying your products,” Obama pointed out. “That’ll mean more jobs and more profits for you.”

Obama Says Failure to Raise Debt Ceiling Will Wreck Global Economy

Apr 17

President Obama issued a dire prediction of global economic catastrophe should Congress fail to raise the federal government’s debt ceiling.

“This is no time for fooling around or playing politics on this critical issue,” Obama declared. “USGovernment spending is the driving force of global prosperity. Without it businesses and individuals would be forced to make their own decisions on what to produce, how to produce it, and where to sell it. We need government to ensure that resources are used wisely and distributed equitably to avert the chaos of unfettered capitalism.”

A few examples of capitalistic chaos were cited by the President. “Left to its own devices, the free market is profiteering on the production of ‘gas-guzzling’ cars, big-screen TVs, and fat-laden diets,” Obama complained. “This is not my vision for how we win the future. We need ‘green’ vehicles like the Volt, or better yet, high-speed passenger rail to effect the kind of transformation I have promised to the American people. And we’ve got to get more control over what people put in their mouths. Government needs to have the funds it requires to carry out the mission I’ve laid out for it.”

The president explained that “Because Congress refuses to increase taxes more borrowing is the only way we can keep the spending flowing,” the President continued. “Ideally, we ought to eliminate the idea of placing a ceiling on government borrowing. But at a minimum Congress must provide the leeway needed by raising the ceiling high enough to accommodate the extra trillions we will need to spend during my time in office.”

The president’s current position on the debt ceiling is a reversal of the stand he took in 2006 when, as a Senator, he voted against increasing it because “raising the amount that the government is allowed to borrow rewards the undisciplined profligacy of a runaway deficit.” Obama reconciled his changed stance by saying that “Bush’s deficit was caused by wasting the country’s resources on tax cuts. Mine is the result of desperately needed investments inAmerica’s future.”

Not everyone in government sees the situation as dire. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke agreed that “while it would be easier to inflate the money supply by continuing to buy Government debt, that isn’t our only option. Should reaching the debt ceiling prohibit the Treasury from issuing more bonds we could still create new money and just deposit it into their accounts so they could continue to fund all existing programs. Of course, this would make the Fed’s debasement of the currency more obvious, but it’s still doable.”

America Is Not “Broke” Says Credit Suisse

Apr 24

While Standard & Poor’s reclassification of the US Federal Government’s debt situation from “stable” to “negative” shook financial markets around the globe, Credit Suisse offered a contrary perspective.

“If you confine your analysis to the resources currently available to the US Government things do, indeed, look perilous,” observed Credit Suisse spokesman Pierre Petit. “Default seems inevitable. However, there is more than sufficient wealth in private hands to cover the outstanding obligations.”

Petit laid out the “math.” “Outstanding debt is in the $14 trillion range,” he pointed out. “There is no way this can be serviced, much less paid off under existing tax rates. But who says tax rates cannot be changed? Right now, there is an estimated $57 trillion worth of assets in private hands in theUnited   States. A 25% capital levy on these assets would net the Government about $14 trillion—enough to wipe out all of the current debt.”

The Credit Suisse input was warmly welcomed by President Obama. “It supports what I’ve been saying and polls have been confirming, the rich aren’t paying their fair share,” the Present asserted. “A one-time levy of 25% on everyone’s net worth would wipe out the debt and give us a fresh start.”

President Campaigns against a “Shrunken America”

May 1

President Obama highlighted what is likely to be one of the major themes of his bid for another term as the nation’s chief executive.

“Republicans are the Party for a ‘shrunken America,’” the President claimed. “They want to shrink the size of government. They demand that we shrink the amount government is investing in our future. They envision a shrunken federal labor force. They place fiscal restraint ahead of my program of hope and change.”

The president predicted that “voters will see through Republican contentions that there are limits to what can be achieved by an aggressive public sector. We have shown that with the backing of the Federal Reserve there need be no cap on what the government can spend to promote the general welfare. There is no need to hold back out of an irrational fear that there won’t be enough money. We can create as much as we need.”

President Almost Single-Handedly Kills bin Laden

May 8

Osama bin Laden, al-Qaeda mastermind of the 9-11 attack onAmerica, was slain at his hideout inPakistanlast weekend by the incredibly brave and gutsyUSPresident Barack Obama’s timely action.

Admittedly, others may have played minor supporting roles. Interrogators working under former President George Bush may have extracted vital information from captured terrorists using now forbidden techniques. Military experts may have used this information to craft an assault plan. An elite team of Navy Seals may have successfully carried out the assault plan using stealth technology that enabled them to penetrate Pakistani territory without being detected. But none of this would have been possible without the President’s key vote of “present” when it came time to give the go ahead.

“The president could’ve easily said ‘no,’” Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney pointed out. “That would’ve brought everything to a halt. Allowing others to proceed by voting ‘present’ was the critical component of the operation. For this the President is owed the eternal gratitude of everyone on the planet.”

The government ofPakistanchallenged theUStake on the operation asserting that “if it hadn’t been for our policy of coddling bin Laden within our country for so many years he wouldn’t have become so complacent and, thus, such an easy target for the Americans. They have us to thank for the lack of resistance on bin Laden’s part and the absence of casualties among the invading forces.”

Court Rules Police May Enter Any Home Anytime

May 15

In a stunning reversal of nearly 800 years of common law, the Indiana Supreme Court ruled 3-2 that homeowners have no right to refuse entry to police at any time for any reason.

Writing for the majority, Justice Steven David asserted that “if a police officer wants to enter a home for any reason, or for no reason, the homeowner is not entitled to refuse, resist, or in any manner impede that entry. A right to resist an unlawful police entry into a home is against public policy and is incompatible with modern Fourth Amendment jurisprudence. The proper course for a homeowner who feels that an officer has acted illegally is to file a civil suit after the alleged improper entry has taken place.”

Justice David argued that “the archaic notion that a person’s home is his castle is an invitation to escalation. A situation in which police have executed a ‘no knock’ break-in into a home is already fraught with danger. If inhabitants think they have a right to resist, police may be compelled to deploy deadly force against what may turn out to be innocent parties. A uniform policy of obedience toward the police at all times would avoid this.”

The Court was unmoved by evidence that in some home invasion robberies criminals pretend to be the police to help gain entry. “In such rare instances the victims could subsequently call the real police for assistance,” David wrote. “On balance, though, it is clear that in most instances cooperation with whoever is breaking into your home—whether it be criminals or the police—seems likely to be the safest option.”

Legislation May Restrict Investors’ Access to 401(k)s

May 22

Concerned that “short term desires to put food on the table may interfere with the Government’s ability to adequately control the nation’s resources,” legislation that would limit people access to their 401(k) funds has been introduced in Congress.

A Bill titled the Savings Enhancement by Alleviating Leakage in 401(k)s Act, otherwise known as the SEAL Act, was jointly introduced by Senators Herb Kohl (D-Wis) and Mike Enzi (R-Wyo). The legislation aims to reduce the number of loans a person can take out using his 401(k) as security.

“There is a risk that too many people will put personal needs ahead of the national interest,” Kohl warned. “The Government allowed 401(k)s in order to encourage workers to put aside money for the future. The notion that this is solely for the benefit of the individual is erroneous. The Government needs to be able to get its hands on this money in case of an emergency. It won’t be able to do that if the funds are depleted by their owners.”

UK National Health Service Dangerous for Elderly

May 29

Denial of treatment for those deemed “too old to invest in” isn’t the only hazard faced by those entrusted to the United Kingdom’s National Health Service (NHS). Dehydration and starvation also take a toll. A recent study by the Care Quality Commission (CQC) indicated that dehydration contributes to 800 deaths and malnutrition to 300 deaths per year among those housed in NHS hospitals.

Spokesperson for the Hospital Workers Union, Mildred Ratched, placed the blame primarily on the doctors. “Our people are just following orders,” Ratched said. “If the doctors wanted these patients to have food and water they should have prescribed it.”

A secondary factor cited by Ms. Ratched was the patients themselves. “Even when we do bring food a lot of them don’t eat it,” she said. “How is that our fault?”

CQC criticized the NHS procedure of simply dumping off food while a patient was asleep and taking away the untouched meal a short while later while the patient was still asleep. Ratched defended the procedure as “part of our negotiated work rules. There has to be a schedule. If we have to accommodate different dining times for different patients we should get extra pay.”

Congressman Unsure on Lewd Photo

June 5

The scandal involving the transmission of a lewd photograph to 21 year-old college student Gennette Cordova via his “Twitter” account has Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) wondering what happened.

In response to the question of whether he is the person in the photo, Weiner replied, “You know, I’m not sure. Like any normal guy, I’ve fooled around with my camera—including taking pictures of myself. So, I guess it could be me in the photo, but I don’t remember sending it to that girl in Washington. That’s why I think my account must have been hacked.”

Weiner said it is unlikely that he will be calling for an investigation of the alleged hacking because “after all, who was hurt? Regardless of who sent the picture, it’s no big thing. I’m sure college girls see guys in their underwear, or less, a lot. I mean, isn’t it at colleges where streaking is done? I think just dropping the whole thing would be the best course for me and for America. Besides, all the attention to this is upsetting my wife.”

Fellow New Yorker, Senator Charles Schumer (D), agreed, “The media is making a mountain out of a molehill. If it’s okay for a President to get a blow job from an intern, why is a photo of a congressman in his underwear a federal case? Let’s not lose our perspective. It’s only a small peccadillo. We need to move on.”

Homeland Security Urges More Citizens to Spy on Neighbors

June 12

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano warned Americans not to take the slaying of Osama bin-Laden as a cue to ease up on our vigilance. “Al-Qaeda is not the only threat to our government,” Napolitano said. “Enemies are everywhere.”

Because enemies are everywhere Napolitano urged everyone to keep an eye out for signs of trouble. “If you know of people in your neighborhood who have guns let us know,” the Secretary requested. “If you overhear conversations that are critical of government policies or programs give us a call.”

Napolitano counseled against “letting hazy conceptions about Constitutional rights deter anyone from reporting suspicious activity. An attitude of ‘zero tolerance’ should be everyone’s ‘rule-of-thumb.’ Don’t hold anything back. Let the courts decide who’s guilty. That’s their job, not yours. You shouldn’t try to judge for yourself whether what you see or hear may be innocent behavior.”

Administration Weighing Whether to Invade Belgium

June 19

Giddy with its success in fending off Congressional interference with its Libyan intervention, the Obama Administration is said to be assessing whether to take similar steps toward Belgium.

“For more than a year now Belgium has had no government,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton observed. “There hasn’t been any panic yet, but how long can we rely upon the traditional lethargy of the Belgians to keep things from getting out of hand?”

It’s not as if everything has come to a halt in Belgium. Shops are open. Factories continue to manufacture goods. Even government offices and officers are still on the job. The problem is there is no parliament to pass new laws and no recognized prime minister with which leaders of other nations can confer.

“It’s a situation fraught with peril,” Clinton insisted. “Without a government no new initiatives can be undertaken to deal with emerging crises. People will be left to themselves to figure out how to solve problems. It’s a humanitarian disaster waiting to happen.”

Treasury Secretary Makes Case for Higher Taxes

June 26

In testimony before a House of Representatives Committee, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner argued that higher taxes are needed “to forestall a potentially disastrous shrinkage of government.”

Representative Renee Ellmers (R-NC) challenged Geithner’s assertion pointing out that “government spending in this country now consumes almost two-thirds of the income generated by the private sector—the most ever in our history. This is hardly a shrinkage of government.”

“I didn’t say government was shrinking,” Geithner replied. “I was warning that it could shrink if we don’t find more revenue to feed it. A lot of people don’t understand that government is the crucial entity in our society. Unless it has the resources it needs to channel behavior toward socially beneficial purposes there’ll be no direction for our economy. My point is, why let the nation’s dwindling resources be squandered by an anarchic private sector when we can salvage them for the public good through targeted tax hikes?”

Senator Blames Voters for Current Mess in Government

July 3

Former presidential candidate Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) laid the blame for the nation’s current troubles at the feet of the American electorate.

“Look, if voters had elected me instead of Bush we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in right now,” Kerry maintained. “The obvious benefit, of course, is that Bush would’ve been sent to early retirement. But let’s not overlook the likelihood that we’d now be in the midst of my second term instead of suffering under the incompetent ministrations of the current Administration. At worst, Barack Obama would now be a junior senator from Illinois. That’d have to be better than where we are now.”

To bolster his point, Senator Kerry referenced recent data on President Obama’s work schedule. “The guy’s working less than four hours a day,” Kerry pointed out. “That’s a lot of slacking off for the supposed most powerful man on the planet. I mean, he’s played more golf in two years than Bush did in eight, for crying out loud. The American people aren’t getting their money’s worth if you ask me.”

Council of Economic Advisers Hails Success of Stimulus Program

July 10

The president’s Council of Economic Advisers announced that President Obama’s $800 billion stimulus program saved up to 3.6 million jobs at a cost of “only $278,000” apiece.

“It’s really a remarkable accomplishment given the dire state of the economy when he took office,” Austan Goolsbee, Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers concluded. “A great catastrophe was surely averted by the President’s heroic action.”

A little math might lead to a different appraisal of the President’s program. The average household income in America is less than $50,000 per year. Mailing a check for that amount to each of the 3.6 million who got the saved jobs would’ve cost only $180 billion. Where did the other $620 billion of the President’s stimulus spending go?

According to Goolsbee, “the situation is more complicated than the typical American can comprehend. We couldn’t just write a check to every unemployed person. There had to be planning and oversight. That costs money. On top of this there are commissions, finders’ fees and overhead. That doesn’t come cheap. Finally, there’s also a certain amount of ‘shrinkage’ involved in any business transaction—money that just disappears and can’t be accounted for. In my opinion, a net of one $50,000 job for each $278,000 in federal outlays is not a bad rate of return for a government project of this magnitude.”

Meanwhile, the Canadian economy, which mirrored our recession until early 2009, is doing considerably better today. Canadian unemployment is down to 7.4%–all without a “stimulus” program of its own.

Federal Election Commission May Be Asked to Bar Candidates from Displaying Flag

July 24

A research paper published in Psychological Science has spurred concern among leading Democrats that Republicans may gain an unfair advantage when the American flag is displayed at campaign events. The study—“A Single Exposure to the American Flag Shifts Support Toward Republicanism up to 8 Months Later”—confirmed a recent Harvard professor’s finding that children attending Fourth of July celebrations were more likely to favor Republicans later in life.

Democratic Nation Committee Chairperson, Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) is reportedly weighing whether to ask the Federal Election Commission (FEC) to step in. “It is important that we have a ‘level playing field’ for all Parties,” she asserted. “Allowing one Party to benefit from voters’ visceral patriotism conveys an unfair advantage to Republican candidates.”

Wasserman-Schultz maintained that “the simplest solution would be to prohibit the display of the American flag at campaign events. I’m not talking about just the candidates’ rallies. The ban should include so-called independent gatherings of groups like the Tea Party or others that would be apt to want to show the flag. I mean, it’s not like using the flag is essential. Candidates can develop their own attractive logos like President Obama did for his 2008 campaign.”

President Mulling Amnesty Proclamation

July 31

In a speech before the National Council of La Raza, an organization dedicated to promoting the interests of the Latino “race,” President Obama commiserated with the “pain” of illegal immigrants and shared his frustration with what he called a “do nothing” Congress.

Obama said “the idea of bypassing Congress is very tempting. Getting a hundred senators and 400 representatives to take action on anything is like herding cats. Everybody’s got their own notions of where we ought to go. On top of this, many serve constituencies comprised of rednecks and rubes. So even if their hearts are in the right place they can’t risk alienating voters in their states.”

The president said he has been studying President Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation as a possible model for a potential “Amnesty Proclamation” he might issue. “There’s actually more leeway for a declaration of amnesty for undocumented residents than there was for Lincoln to free the slaves,” Obama argued. “The Constitution specifically provided for slavery. The Constitution says nothing about prohibiting immigration. In fact, up until the 1920s anyone who wanted to could come into America.”

“An Executive Order declaring that every undocumented immigrant presently in the country shall be granted the full rights and privileges of US citizenship would cancel the inaction of Congress and make a significant stride toward the expansion of human rights for an oppressed people,” the President told the audience. “I mean, how long should a respect for so-called enumerated powers be allowed to impede such a righteous cause?”

State Senator Apologizes for Mafia Slur

Aug 7

Saying that she wasn’t too proud to admit a mistake, New York State Senator Diane Savino (D-North Shore/Brooklyn) apologized for calling the Tea Party “the new mafia.”

“Since my remarks a lot of people have told me that my comparison was unfair,” Savino said. “The mafia has made some positive contributions to our society that they don’t get enough credit for. They provide services and products that others are afraid to provide because they’re illegal. They stimulate the employment of police officers as well as help supplement the incomes of our men in blue.”

Britain’s Crackdown on Rioters, Looting Denounced

Aug 14

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denounced British authorities for what he termed a “violent and unjustified suppression of freedom of expression.” The “freedom of expression” has been manifested mostly by rampaging youths looting shops and robbing passersby in a week-long protest of the government’s proposal to trim future welfare payments.

“The Godlessness of Western society has come back to bite them,” Ahmadinejad said. “Deprived of the discipline of faith, we must expect young people to lash out at those who have neglected their instruction. The secular greed of the protestors is a predictable outcome of this neglect.”

On the home front, looters professing to be “taking advances on payments owed to us” and “showing the rich that we can do whatever we want” were excused by Labour Party spokesman Rob Steele. “Inequality is an injustice that government welfare programs have been designed to mitigate,” Steele contended. “The Conservative Government’s proposed cuts to these programs tip the balance back toward injustice. Who can blame the prospective victims from taking matters into their own hands?”

Ahmadinejad encouraged the United Nations to send peace keepers to help restore order. “The British Government has proven itself incapable of maintaining a just, orderly, and pious society,” Ahmadinejad said. “External intervention to displace this oppressive regime is warranted. Iran stands ready to contribute troops to a UN-sponsored army of occupation.”

Food Stamp Record Hailed as Triumph

Aug 21

While most economists would see the record number of Americans currently receiving food stamps as a bad sign, the Obama Administration’s Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack, is touting it as a triumph for the President’s policies.

“The idea that people depending on the government to get fed is a bad thing reflects archaic thinking,” Vilsack maintained. “Our analysis shows that for every dollar we pay out in food stamp benefits, an additional $1.84 in economic activity is generated. From this it should be clear that the problem isn’t that too many are on food stamps. The problem is that there are too few. If we had 300 million recipients instead of only 45 million the economy would be in a lot better shape.”

Police Warn Against Resisting Flash Mobs

Aug 28

Police in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania warned residents against resisting the depredations of flash mobs bent on looting and mayhem. Several cities in Pennsylvania have recently been victimized by gangs of youths who organize and coordinate attacks on local businesses through social media. Gun sales in these areas have reportedly increased giving rise to police fears of vigilantism.

“Look, just because police are helpless against these mobs doesn’t mean people should take matters into their own hands,” Upper Darby police Captain George Rhoades said. “Thus far, the damage has been mostly confined to theft and destruction of property. The only people who’ve gotten hurt are those who tried to stop the youths from robbing them or who’ve just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Rhoades acknowledged that “according to the law, the actions of these mobs are crimes, but mature adults ought to be more understanding. These kids come from bad neighborhoods. They want the same things you want. They just can’t afford to pay for them. Is inability to pay where we want to draw the line between who can and who can’t have? Do you really want to shoot someone for trying to readjust the distribution of property?”

Obama Miffed over Date Rebuff

Sep 4

House Speaker John Boehner’s rejection of President Obama’s request to speak to Congress on September 7 became the focus of the President’s latest plea for campaign donations. Just a few hours after Boehner declined the date and suggested a September 8 alternative, the President’s campaign sent an e-mail to supporters.

“I am the leader of the free world,” Obama contended. “Being rebuffed by Congress does untold damage to my image. This can only harm my ability to effect the transformation for which I was elected to accomplish in 2008. Harming the President like this—some might call it treason.”

The president also hinted that Boehner’s action might be unconstitutional. “Not only was the Republicans’ refusal rude and insensitive—it showed that Boehner doesn’t really care about hurting my feelings—it was also a cruel and unusual punishment. No other President has ever been treated this way. Now, as a Constitutional scholar, I know that ‘cruel and unusual punishment’ is against it.”

The e-mail recipients were asked to give generously in order “to prevent the enemies of democracy from thwarting our drive toward the social justice we pledged to wreak upon America.”

President’s Jobs Speech Wows Congress

Sep 11

President Obama’s widely anticipated speech before a joint session of Congress on Thursday stunned and amazed his erstwhile political opponents.

“Until I heard it from his own lips I never realized how mistaken the GOP plans to tear up all the roads and burn down all the schools were,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va). “And now that I know the President’s jobs plan is endorsed by the Teamsters’ Jimmy Hoffa and the AFL-CIO’s Richard Trumka, well, let’s just say that my eyes have really been opened.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) admitted that he was skeptical at first. “You know, in a way, we’ve been over this ground before,” McConnell pointed out. “Appropriating hundreds of billions to try to stimulate the economy has been the policy of the current Administration since it took office. Just because it hasn’t worked so far doesn’t necessarily prove it could never work. I’ve got to give him credit for consistency.”

Dems Push Bill for Unlimited Debt

Sep 18

Contending that “the very idea of a debt ceiling for federal borrowing places unacceptable restraints upon government,” three Democratic Representatives—Jim Moran (VA), Hank Johnson (GA) and Jerry Nadler (NY)—have introduced legislation that would bar any limits on the amount that could be borrowed.

“We should never permit a lack of money to prevent the government from taking whatever action may be needed for the betterment of our society,” Moran argued. “If the money isn’t already in-hand or can’t be obtained due to mindless opposition to higher taxes, the option of borrowing must not be infringed.”

Moran maintained that “the notion that there ought to be some sort of upper limit on the amount of resources the government has access to is archaic and inappropriate under a democratic Constitution. In America, the government is the people. There is no need for the people to hamper itself with this kind of constraint.”

“The mere existence of a debt ceiling allows the enemies of progressive policies to periodically divert voters’ attention away from the benefits of those policies by focusing an unwarranted emphasis on the costs,” Nadler said in support of the bill. “It encourages miserly, penny-pinching behavior that can only slow the pace of our nation’s transformation toward the attainment of social justice.”

President too Nice to His Enemies, Congresswoman Says

Sep 25

Representative Maxine Waters (D-Calif) took President Obama to task for “being too nice to his enemies.”

“We are at war for the soul of this country,” Waters argued. “Yet, the President insists on treating those who oppose him as if they are just friends who disagree. I mean, playing golf with Boehner, inviting the boys over to watch the Super Bowl and drink beer—this is ‘pussyfooting.’”

Waters called on Obama to “show an iron fist” and “to crush the opposition under the heel of his boot.” “These people are trying to kill him,” Waters ranted. “He’s got to get them before they get him. It’s as simple as that.”

The Congresswoman said she was generally pleased with the President’s “jobs bill,” but that there were still some unanswered questions about it. “I love the President,” Waters said, “But I still need to know where’s my money in his bill? He shouldn’t be taking the support of fellow Democrats for granted. We need to get paid.”

Call to Postpone 2012 Elections Gaining Momentum

Oct 2

Concerned that the upcoming November 2012 elections may be interfering with the appropriate governance of the United States, two eminent Democrats have called for postponing them.

Governor Beverly Perdue (D-NC) complained that “fear of offending voters is stifling our will to govern. If those of us who hold office could be given a break from having to face voters we could more freely consider what would be best for this country.”

The governor was unfazed by the antidemocratic implications of her proposal saying that “if government by the people comes into conflict with what the government ought to do for the people, well, the choice is a ‘no brainer’ as far as I’m concerned. Most of us in government know what needs to be done. The apparent disagreement between Republicans and Democrats is just jockeying for political advantage.”

Perdue’s case for postponing the 2012 elections was seconded by President Obama’s former budget director, Peter Orszag, in an article in this week’s issue of The New Republic. Citing what he called “the baleful infringement that elections impose on policy making,” Orszag argued for “stretching out the time between solicitations of input from voters to a more reasonable interval.”

Alleging that “a lot of valuable experience is tied up in present office holders,” Orszag maintained that “simply extending their terms would be the most efficient option. I mean, what person other than Barack Obama has the experience needed to do the job of president? I suppose you could argue that Bush or Clinton might, but they are Constitutionally ineligible for another term. All of the other contenders have zero experience at the position. Logically, we’d get the most experience for the least cost by letting everyone stay in place until the national and global situations are stable enough to allow us the luxury of another election.”

President Praises “Occupy Wall Street” Protest

Oct 9

As the “Occupy Wall Street” protest entered its fourth week it received a ringing endorsement from President Obama who contrasted the protesters’ “sincerity” and “selflessness” with the “hypocrisy” and “self-serving greed” exhibited by the so-called “Tea Party.”

“The Wall Street protesters have put their whole selves into the fight for social justice,” Obama declared. “They’re not just showing up when it can be conveniently scheduled between working hours and tending to the kids like the right-wing opponents of my policies. They’re here day and night, rain or shine. Their dedication is a model of what it will take to transform America.”

It wasn’t only the methods of the protesters that the President found to his liking. Some of their specific policy prescriptions also met with his approval.

“As admirable as their tactics have been, let’s not overlook their refreshingly innovative ideas,” Obama urged. “A lot of them parallel what we’ve been trying to do with our stimulus program. Their call for a trillion dollars in additional infrastructure spending and another trillion in ‘green’ spending confirm that I’m on the right track.”

“Even better, their suggestion that the link between work and income be severed is a bold stride toward an ideal I thought was still off in the distant future,” the President enthused. “I mean, the biggest infringement on a person’s freedom is usually the hours he has to work to put food on the table and a roof over his head. If government were to ensure that these needs would be met a new era in human liberty could be reached.”

The president reserved his highest praise for the protesters’ demand that all outstanding debts be cancelled. “I realize that we in government have been thinking too small,” Obama said. “Our squabbling over how high to raise the debt ceiling is petty and bourgeois. All we’re doing is postponing the resolution of the problem. If we cancel all outstanding financial obligations we would eradicate the oppressive burden of debt that is hampering our ability to govern. It is an ingenious remedy for our current and potential future fiscal problems.”

Congressman Calls for Executive Action to Suppress Congressional Rebellion

Oct 16

Contending that Congress’ failure to enact President Obama’s “Jobs Bill” amounts to “disloyalty to the duly authorized ruler of this nation,” Representative Jesse Jackson, Jr. (D-Ill) called for “extraordinary measures to restore orderly compliance with the steps the President deems necessary for the country.”

“No one can argue that these are not critical times for America,” Jackson said. “The time for disputation has passed. It is now time for action. Since Congress will not obey, the President must take the actions he thinks appropriate by using his executive powers unilaterally.”

Jackson sought to draw parallels with the secession crisis of 1861. “Just as Lincoln refused to tolerate the disobedience of the southern states, so too, must President Obama stand firm against the enemies of progressive reform.” Lincoln’s efforts to deal with secession included raising an army without Congressional approval, arresting opponents of his policies, and suppressing newspapers that editorialized against his Administration.

The specific action that Jackson urged Obama to take on the jobs issue was for the president to order that the 15 million who are unemployed be immediately hired by the federal government. The Congressman estimated that at a salary of $40,000/year, this would cost only $600 billion/year.

“The action needed is so simple and affordable that opposition can only stem from seditious motives,” Jackson insisted. Jackson dismissed objections that there would be no meaningful work for this new army of federal employees. “There’s certainly lots of things they could be doing to improve this country. They could pick up the litter that uglifies our streets and highways. They could provide domestic services like cooking and cleaning our homes. They could work in the fields planting, tending, and harvesting our crops. But even if they did nothing we’d still be injecting $600 billion of stimulus into the economy.”

President Proud of Mistake-Free First Three Years

Oct 23

President Obama says he’s feeling pretty upbeat about his reelection chances despite the worst economy since the 1930s and polls showing that two-thirds of Americans disapprove of how he’s handled his job.

“On the surface things look bad,” Obama admitted. “But if voters dig deeper they’ll realize that I’ve really done a remarkable job. They’ll see that all the choices I’ve made have been the right ones.”

One of the right choices the President chose to mention was Obamacare, which he called “absolutely the right thing to do. Look, left to their own devices, too many people are neglecting to make the right decisions about their health. They’re eating poorly, not exercising enough, and aren’t going to the doctor when they should. This has to change and the legislation we passed is step one on the road to a healthier America.”

The president also defended his economic policies, insisting that “those who’re focusing on the unemployment rate are missing the big picture. Government can’t and shouldn’t try to ensure prosperity. Booms and busts are just things that happen. No one can control them. What government can do, though, is try to ensure that everybody gets their fair share of the pie. Those who have more than their fair share must give back some so that others can enjoy a better life. My policy on this has been consistent.”

“I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished and I’m confident that voters will appreciate what I’ve done for them,” Obama concluded.

Dems Dismayed by Poll Results

Oct 30

A Gallup poll showing 64% of American voters blaming the federal government for the poor state of the economy vs. only 30% blaming Wall Street has leading Democrats in a tizzy. Possibly even more shocking was the finding that more Democrats blame Washington than Wall Street (49% to 46%). The only segment of voters to blame Wall Street more were those in sympathy with the Occupy Wall Street protest (54% to 44%).

Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Representative Debbie Wassserman-Schultz (Fla) called the voters’ responses “insane.” “The government didn’t layoff all those unemployed, private employers did,” she asserted. “It’s the private sector that continues to refuse to hire people despite the government’s best efforts to stimulate the economy. What can these people be thinking?”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) was similarly befuddled. “Look at what the government has done over the last three years,” Reid urged. “We’ve enacted new health benefits for the uninsured. We’ve extended unemployment compensation to 99 weeks. We’ve boosted federal outlays for infrastructure and other items by over a trillion dollars. Meanwhile, businesses are selfishly cutting back their hiring because they say more workers aren’t needed or that they’re unaffordable. They’re not being ‘team players’ in the president’s ‘game plan’ to revive America. Why can’t voters see that?”

Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney pointed a finger at the media for “making it seem like everything is the President’s fault. I mean, he’s been trying to follow the Constitution and get Congress involved, but Republicans have blocked every initiative. Why should he have to take the blame for their inaction?”

Carney held out hope that Obama’s recent moves to bypass Congress by enacting needed measures via Executive Orders would turn things around. “If the normal ways aren’t open, then new paths must be explored,” Carney suggested. “The President isn’t going to allow mere formalism to prevent him from doing what he thinks is necessary. Maybe voters will come to appreciate his flexibility and innovation in the only poll that matters come November of next year.”

House Leader Opposes Voter ID Laws in All 50 States

Nov 6

House Minority Whip Representative Steny Hoyer (D-Md) sent letters to the secretaries of state in all 50 states asking them to take action against “any and all attempts to limit the right to vote by requiring those wishing to cast ballots to show identification.”

“It’s supposed to be a secret ballot, but how can it be if voters must reveal their identities?” Hoyer wrote. “Voters may have good reasons for not wanting to disclose personal information about themselves. Creditors might link names and addresses and harass these people with demands for debts to be paid. Police could use such information to serve outstanding warrants.”

“Besides, a system that confines voting to only those registered is fatally flawed,” Hoyer’s letter continued. “Is a person any less of a person because he is unable or unwilling to register to vote? Aren’t all ‘men’ created equal? Shouldn’t all ‘men’ have the right to vote?”

Hoyer urged the secretaries of state to use a simplified protocol. “Anyone who takes the trouble to walk into a polling booth ought to be given a ballot,” Hoyer suggested. “The process would be more efficient. People wouldn’t be delayed by needless reference to registration lists. They could just vote and move on.”

The risk that unscrupulous persons might defraud Hoyer’s proposed system by voting multiple times was deemed “inconsequentially small” by Hoyer. “The chances of any single vote determining the outcome is tiny,” Hoyer pointed out. “From a logical perspective, it doesn’t make sense to vote even once, much less repeatedly. In my opinion, the fear of multiple votes from a single person is way overblown.”

The House Democrat admitted that it was unlikely that many states would formally adopt his recommended approach. “The important thing was to get this idea out there,” Hoyer maintained. “Even if my suggestions only inspire an irregular tendency to occasionally overlook a rigorous adherence to ID rules it will still be a step toward a fairer and more universal franchise for all who live in this country.”

Reid Demands GOP Abandon Partisanship

Nov 13

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) used Veteran’s Day as the occasion to demand that the GOP drop its partisan opposition to the President’s efforts to “save the country.”

“As we pay our annual tribute to those in uniform let us take the opportunity to compare the selfless obedience of our troops with the obstructionism posed by the Republican Party,” Reid said. “The ‘yes sir’ and ‘aye sir’ of our soldiers and sailors stands in stark contrast with the repeated nay-saying of the GOP members of Congress.”

“Whether it be the killing of bin Laden or the bombing of Libya, our troops have the appropriate ‘can do’ attitude,” Reid observed. “They don’t balk saying it might be too costly. They don’t oppose the revenue enhancements that are needed to fulfill the President’s vision for this country. They are totally loyal.”

Reid contended that the GOP’s stance “is insubordinate, at best, and possibly disloyal. The President is this country’s Commander-in-Chief. Every genuine American is bound to follow his orders. Failure to do so threatens the health, safety, and prosperity of the nation. Protecting America from these kinds of threats—both foreign and domestic—is the President’s sacred obligation.”

Perry Proposal for Part-time Congress Called Ludicrous

Nov 20

GOP presidential candidate Texas GovernorRickPerry’s suggestion that the country would be better off with a part-time Congress was assailed by House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (D-Md).

“Mr. Perry’s notion that America could get along with less government is ludicrous,” Hoyer asserted. “If we only spend half the time governing this country, we’d only be able to do half as much. That would mean half the spending, half the taxing, and half the regulating. I don’t think the American people would stand for that.”

Hoyer’s assessment was backed by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif). “Governor Perry doesn’t understand the importance of our work if he thinks we can do it in half the time,” Pelosi argued. “If he had his way, people would be cut adrift from the nurturing and guidance government provides and left to fend for themselves. Taking care of Americans is a full time job. To think otherwise is just nuts.”

Georgia Businessman May Face Federal Prosecution

Nov 27

Bill Looman, owner of U.S. Cranes, may have taken his opposition to Obama’s economic policies too far says Attorney General Eric Holder. Looman’s company trucks are plastered with signs saying “we are not hiring until Obama is gone.”

“I’d call this pretty overt and personal opposition to the President of the United States,” Holder declared. “I mean, President Obama has been striving mightily to create jobs. Yet, here we have a guy who is wantonly refusing to cooperate and trying to deflect the blame back on the President in a very public way.”

Catholic Church Lobbying Called Improper

Dec 4

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) denounced efforts by the Catholic Church to persuade the Department of Health and Human Services to rescind new regulations that will force Catholics to engage in activities that violate their faith. The regulations would require all Americans to purchase coverage for services—like abortion—that are banned by Catholic tenets. The regulations also require all health service providers to offer these services regardless of any personal, religious, or ethical objections.

“The Church’s attempt to meddle with affairs of state is offensive to our system of government,” Pelosi contended. “We don’t live in a theocracy. In America, we have separation of church and state. It’s not their job to criticize our laws. Didn’t Jesus instruct his followers to render unto Caesar? Why isn’t the Church hierarchy obeying this divine guidance?”

“Besides, what they’re asking for is special treatment,” Pelosi went on. “We can’t have different rules for Catholics than for everyone else. The law has to apply to all. There can be no exceptions.”

Attorney General Defends Misleading Congress

Dec 11

Attorney General Eric Holder rebutted accusations that he lied to Congress about his Department’s gun smuggling scheme, insisting that he has merely been “misleading” them.

“A lie is when an evil person deliberately twists the truth,” Holder maintained. “However, there are situations in which a person may be forced to twist the truth in order to prevent an evil outcome. Misleading ones enemies for the good of the nation is a higher form of patriotism.”

Holder pointed out that “misleading Congress is one of the milder options that an Administration may use to protect itself. Let’s not forget that President Lincoln suspended habeas corpus, jailed members of a state legislature, and deported a sitting member of Congress in order to save the nation. History has vindicated his usurpations of Constitutional authority. Who’s to say that President Obama should place the petty vanities of today’s Congress ahead of what he regards as his historical mission to transform this country.”

Feds Report that Half the Country’s Families Fall in the Bottom 50% of Income

Dec 18

In a press release issued by former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), federal data indicates that fully half of the population falls into the bottom 50% of the income distribution.

“It is heartrending that anyone should have to try to get by on less than an average income, but to have to put up with half the country—many of them children and minorities—suffering in this way is intolerable,” Pelosi said.

As a step toward eradicating this travesty, the former Speaker demanded that Congress extend unemployment benefits yet again. “In an ideal world, no one would have to subsist on a below average income,” she opined. “Until we get there, though, we’ve got to do everything we can to help those who are unable or unwilling to help themselves. Putting money into the pockets of those without jobs is the safest and surest way to do that.”

By her calculations, “extending unemployment compensation will immediately add 600,000 jobs to our economy. Recipients would rush out and buy stuff causing employment to soar. If we were smart enough to make the extension permanent and unlimited we could add an untold number of new jobs—probably billions within a very short period of time.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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