Holder Says Obama’s Recess Appointments Legal

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Obama’s refusal to acknowledge the Senate’s pro forma sessions as an impediment to his authority to make recess appointments was upheld by his Department of Justice last week.

“This country needs to be governed 24/7,” said Attorney General Eric Holder. “Things can’t be brought to a standstill just because the legislature isn’t in session. If the Senate won’t confirm the president’s actions when it is in session he is perfectly within his rights to act when they are out-of-session.”

Holder contended that “the President’s recess appointment authority applies to any and every smidgen of time that the Senate is not doing business—including overnight or even ‘bathroom breaks.’ The fact that previous Presidents may have allowed themselves to be stymied by pro forma ruses has no bearing on the legality of President Obama’s decision to go forward with his right to rule this country.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) who used pro forma sessions to block some of former President Bush’s nominees concurred with Holder’s assessment. “Just because Bush was cowed by our bluff doesn’t mean President Obama has to,” Reid bragged. “In fact, his governing vigor has set a new standard for all time.”

Court Voids Oklahoma Ban on Sharia Law

The three-member U.S. Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals overturned the voter-passed initiative blocking state courts from using Muslim sharia law to decide cases . The Court held that the initiative impeded plaintiff Muneer Awad’s right to fully practice his faith.

“U.S. secular law does not recognize concepts like ‘honor killings,’ ‘fatwas,‘ and the suppression of blasphemy that are fundamental to the Islamic faith,” the Court said. “Consequently, if the initiative were allowed to stand, Mr. Awad might be prosecuted for acts that his faith commands him to commit. This interferes with his right to religious freedom under theUnited   States’ Constitution.”

Non-Muslims were urged to protect themselves and avoid conflict by “staying out of Muslim areas, refraining from insensitive remarks, and showing a modicum of respect for Muslim values and practices. For example, so-called ‘honor killings’ are only carried out against Muslim women and girls. Non-Muslims aren’t at risk. So there is no danger that a person of differing religious beliefs would be harmed if sharia law is allowed to prevail within the Muslim community on this issue.”

Pepsi Pays Fine for Not Hiring Criminals

The Pepsi Beverages Co. paid a $3.1 million fine to settle federal charges of racial discrimination in its hiring. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) assessed the fine, declaring that “screening job applicants for prior criminal records disproportionately affects blacks and Hispanics.”

“Everyone knows that minorities are more likely to be criminals than whites are,” said EEOC spokesman Clem Clodpate. “Consequently, screening for previous criminal history is, ipso facto, discriminatory.”

“Besides, Pepsi failed to demonstrate a business need for excluding criminals from being hired,” Clodpate added. “Who’s to say that a person with a criminal record couldn’t adequately perform the kind of mind-numbing and repetitive tasks associated with bottling, transporting, and selling beverages?”

Administration to Create Internet ID for Every American

White House Cybersecurity Coordinator Howard Schmidt announced that plans are underway to create an Internet ID for everyone in the country.

“Right now anyone can access the Internet, obtain information, disseminate opinions, and pretty much do whatever they want without the government knowing who they are and where they live,” Schmidt complained. “This is tantamount to anarchy. We have put up with it for far too long.”

Under the ID plan, the US Department of Commerce would compel all Internet service providers to give it access to all user accounts, names, and passwords. “We’re not saying that the days of anonymous postings are totally over,” Schmidt observed. “Identities will still be concealed from the general public if posters wish to use pseudonyms or screen names. It is not our intent to introduce a broad program of censorship. Only those who we perceive pose a threat will be interdicted.”

Schmidt admitted that the plan does entail some loss of privacy, but argued that “the sacrifice of this little bit of liberty needs to be weighed against the government’s responsibility to guarantee the security of the nation. Isn’t having the government poking around into your private affairs better than letting some nutjob attack our whole way of life?”

DOJ to Investigate Project Veritas

The latest venture of James O’Keefe’s Project Veritas may have gotten Attorney General Eric Holder’s attention. In an effort to prove how easy it might be to fraudulently cast a ballot on behalf a dead voter, Veritas volunteers entered precincts inNew Hampshire, gave the name of recently deceased persons, and were handed ballots.

Though no ballots were actually cast by any of the volunteers, the ease with which they could have been revealed the vulnerability of the system to vote fraud. Volunteers’ offers to show ID were mostly waved off as “unnecessary” by poll workers.

Calling the Project Veritas expose “an unauthorized invasion of our sacred voting process,” Attorney General Eric Holder vowed to “spare no effort in purging our system of these unwanted escapades. The responsibility for policing voting practices belongs to Party officials and law-enforcement agencies like the Department of Justice. We can’t allow publicity seeking outsiders to taint the process.”

Holder characterized the threat that unscrupulous persons might use the methods tested by Project Veritas to influence the outcome of any given election as minuscule. “Most elections are decided by margins of thousands of votes,” Holder pointed out. “Project Veritas only got a handful of undeserved ballots.”

The attorney general also said he wasn’t convinced that a person casting a ballot for a recently deceased voter was necessarily a bad thing. “We carry out the wishes of the dead all the time,” Holder asserted. “Who’s to say that a person casting a ballot for a departed loved one is wrong to do so? Maybe casting that vote is part of the grieving process. Should we really be so eager to attribute criminal intent?”

TSA Confiscates Cupcake

Those mocking the Transportation Security Administration for recently confiscating a passenger’s cupcake are missing the point says Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano.

“It’s not that we’re saying that a cupcake, per se, is a dangerous weapon,” Napolitano explained. “But the risk of a random confiscation of any item is a way of throwing a monkey-wrench into a potential terrorist’s plot.”

Napolitano also cited the collateral benefit to the TSA from “foraging off the land. You know,Sherman’s march to the sea wouldn’t have been possible if his troops didn’t take opportunities to seize supplies from the inhabitants ofGeorgiaandSouth Carolina. Seizing passengers’ property helps supplement the TSA’s resources and enables us to accomplish our mission under existing budget constraints.”

Million of Former Workers Join Leisure Class under Obama

The “improving” unemployment statistics being touted by the Obama Administration have been helped along by the nearly one million people who have left the workforce. The ballyhooed 8.5% unemployment rate would’ve been 9.1% if these people weren’t so discouraged that they’ve given up on the idea of ever finding a job.

“While I would never expect the Republicans to admit this, the fact is that Democratic policies are enabling a growing segment of our society to join the ranks of the leisure class,” boasted Democratic Nation Committee Chairperson, Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla). “It’s not as if everyone who has a job wants to work. I mean, having to eke out a living is an unpleasant chore for most people. Liberating a substantial number from this necessity is a major achievement of the Obama Administration.”

“Of course, the downside of not having a job is not having the wage that goes with it,” Wasserman-Schultz continued. “We’ve helped offset this with repeated extensions of unemployment compensation. If we can just eliminate the eligibility restrictions and make access to this compensation a permanent right we’ll be one step closer to the utopian dream where no one is forced to endure wage slavery just to put food on the table.”

A key task between now and November, according to Wasserman-Schultz, will be to try to convince enough additional out-of-work individuals to cease looking for jobs. “If we can get just another 6 million, or so, to drop out of the workforce we can get the unemployment statistic down below 5%,” she projected. “With numbers like that the President’s reelection and a Democratic majority in Congress would be assured.”

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