Arizona Celebrates New Religious Freedom Law

PHOENIX – Governor Jan Brewer today signed into law HB 2625, legislation that authorizes religiously-affiliated employers to exempt contraceptive services from their employees’ health insurance plans. The new law will apply exclusively to those entities whose religious beliefs are central to their operating principles, and for whom providing coverage for contraception could pose a moral conflict or religious objection.

“In its final form, this bill is about nothing more than preserving the religious freedom to which we are all Constitutionally-entitled,” said Governor Brewer.  “Mandating that a religious institution provide a service in direct contradiction with its faith would represent an obvious encroachment upon the 1st Amendment.

Currently, state law allows a narrow scope of nonprofit, faith-based institutions to opt out of contraceptive coverage, provided that the institution primarily employs and serves individuals who share the religious tenets of the institution.

HB 2625 moderately expands the definition of a “religiously-affiliated employer” to include any organization whose articles of incorporation explicitly state a religiously-motivated purpose, and whose religious beliefs play a fundamental role in its function. It is anticipated that there are few employers who will qualify for this exemption under the bill.

Arizona is among 20 states that allow certain employers to cite a religious-exemption in refusing to offer contraception coverage.

“Let’s not forget why we’re having this discussion: It’s ObamaCare that created this issue by forcing church-affiliated employers and non-profits to offer services in violation of their religious faith,” said Governor Brewer. “With this common sense bill, we can ensure that Arizona women have access to the health services they need and religious institutions have their faith and freedom protected.”

President Admits He Sometimes Forgets the Magnitude of the Recession

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Obama asked voters to forgive him if he sometimes fails to feel their pain over lost employment, foreclosed homes, and mounting personal debt.

“I’ve led kind of a sheltered life,” the president admitted. “I went to private schools when I was young. I had a scholarship to go to college. I never really had to worry about working to pay my own way. Now, of course, as president, I live in a big house with dozens of servants. I have my own jumbo jet to fly me wherever I want. So, you can see how it might be hard for me to relate to the common people.”

Obama said he hoped that voters wouldn’t forget that “the recession is not my fault. It started before I got here. I’ve done everything I could to try to correct the problem. What other president has spent as much to try to heal the economy? I mean, how much more generous could I have been?”

Obama’s Aunt Complains of Abuse in Autobiography

President Obama’s aunt Zeituni Onyango has recently published a memoir of her time in America. The book is titled Tears of Abuse. It alleges that her time in this country has been nothing but torment.

Residing in the United States illegally from 2002 until she was granted asylum by the Obama Administration in 2010, Zeituni’s book complains of the “shabby accommodations” and “meager sustenance” she was forced to suffer through while on public assistance during that period. “I had to live in public housing amidst an agglomeration of the common riffraff,” Zeituni wrote. “There was no one to prepare my meals. I was given food stamps and told I had to fetch my own food and cook my own meals. I felt humiliated.”

Obama’s aunt attributed her treatment to “America’s racist mindset. My nephew was an important figure in the government—first a state senator, later a US senator, and finally the president. Still, I was denied the status befitting someone whose family member was part of the ruling class. This wouldn’t have happened to me if I were white.”

Thus far, the book’s sales have been weak—a phenomenon Zeituni says further bolsters her case that she has “been the victim of racial discrimination from the first day I set foot in this God forsaken land.”

Question about Secrets on Third Grade Test Defended

New Jersey third-grade public school students were asked to disclose a secret about their lives and discuss why it’s hard to keep. Parents who raised objections over what possible relevance such a question could have for assessing a child’s academic progress were said to be “overreacting” by school authorities.

“First of all, the answers to this question aren’t graded, per se,” explained Elinor Schnoop, spokesperson for the New Jersey Department of Education. “A student can’t fail the test no matter what answer he or she gives. That’s not the purpose for asking this question.”

The purpose is apparently “more socially oriented.” “Let’s say the secret is that the child is being abused at home,” Schnoop said. “Wouldn’t that be important information for the school to know? Or what if the student is gay or masturbates? The school could take steps to reassure the student that this is perfectly normal.”

Safety was another rationale offered. “What if the secret is that the parents have a gun in the home?” the Schnoop asked. “What if the parents have deviant political views, belong to a militia, or are anti-immigrant? Teasing this kind of information out of students could help promote national security.”

Democrats Make Same-Sex “Marriage” a Major Political Issue

President Obama announced that his thinking has evolved to the point where he now supports the idea that persons of the same sex are entitled to marry one another. “Look, Jesus spent his career in the company of men,” Obama pointed out. “He never married. I think we have a pretty good indication that it was only the prejudice of the religious and secular authorities that prevented him hooking up with one of the Apostles—perhaps the famous ‘beloved apostle.’ I say it’s time that prejudice and repression of homosexuals come to an end.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she is hoping that the president’s endorsement of gay marriage will persuade voters “to look past economic disappointments and reward the President and his Party for this momentous achievement. The president’s courageous decision is a reminder to us all that petty concerns over paychecks and jobs pale in comparison to the need to establish equal rights for all. President Obama filled my heart with joy. I think his action here fulfills Jesus’ message of universal love.”

Representative Barney Frank (D-Mass) predicted that this open endorsement of gay rights will be a winning issue for Democrats in November because “it gives America’s homosexual majority the incentive to come out in force to reelect the President. I would advise every Democrat to get on this bandwagon while they can.” The first wave of Democrats taking Frank’s advice included Representatives Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla), Nita Lowey (NY), Jim Himes (Conn), Jared Polis (Colo), Peter Welch (Vt), Xavier Becerra (Calif) and Jackie Speier (Calif).

In related news, a bill that would make it a crime to try to dissuade children from choosing a homosexual lifestyle is expected to pass in that state’s heavily Democratic legislature. California Senate Bill 1172 would make it illegal for therapists, psychologists, counselors and parents to engage in any kind of “sexual orientation change efforts” for children 18 and younger. The bill’s sponsor, Senator Ted Lieu (D-Torrance), maintained that “a person’s sexual orientation is in his genes. Anyone who attempts to divert a person from his or her gay destiny is committing a crime against human nature.”

President to Crack Down on Obesity in Second Term

Contending that obesity is a bigger threat than Islamic terror, White House chef and food initiative coordinator Sam Kass says that combating this threat will be a major focus of the president’s second term.

“Let’s face it, too many of us are too darn fat,” Kass observed. “Given the opportunity to freely choose their own diets a distressingly large percentage consistently make the wrong choices. Preventing these wrong choices is crucial to the collective health and well-being of our society.”

Of course, preventing wrong choices is a daunting task in a free country. Kass hinted that indoctrinating youth would be one way to make this happen. “In the First Lady’s ‘Let’s Move’ program I’ve seen kids dancing and cheering for vegetables,” Kass remembered. “Getting adults to join in is the next step.” For those skeptical about the prospect of adults dancing and cheering for vegetables, Kass pointed out that “they do it in China.”

Kass declined to speculate on whether a so-called “fat tax” might be enacted, but argued that it could be very persuasive. “If you’ve got to pay more for every pound of blubber you add you’ll think twice about having a cheese burger or a dessert,” Kass maintained. “In my opinion, issuing an Executive Order imposing such a tax is something President Obama should consider.”

NAACP Flunks GOP Legislators

The latest National Association for the Advancement of Colored People annual Civil Rights Legislative Report Card gives every Republican member of the U.S. House and Senate a failing grade.

NAACP President, Benjamin Jealous, explained the grades saying “the GOP has consistently opposed advancing the interests of African Americans. Their argument that they want a ‘color blind’ rule of law explicitly rejects the idea of special help for our people. Equal opportunity is not enough to compensate us for centuries of slavery and oppression.”

Jealous suggested that the GOP might improve future grades by helping pass reparations legislation. “Incalculable harm was done to our ancestors,” Jealous said. “If we took every last dime a white man earned in his lifetime it wouldn’t repay the damages caused by his ancestors. Many generations would need to toil to pay off this debt. Voting to get started on retiring this debt might move the GOP up to a grade of ‘D.’”

Bin Laden Alibi Memo Called “No Big Deal”

Revelation that CIA Director Leon Panetta drafted a memo that would’ve been used to absolve President Obama of blame had the mission to kill Osama bin Laden failed was labeled “no big deal” by Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. Targeted to take the fall was Naval Special Operations Commander Adm. Bill McRaven.

“Protecting the president is ‘job #1’ for everyone working for the federal government,” Carney contended. “The president is the essential man in our government. Everyone else is expendable. I mean, who’s ever heard of McRaven? Would it be the end of the world if he were made a scapegoat?”

“Realistically, sacrificing one man’s career is a small price to pay for preserving the president’s credibility,” Carney added. “Taking the blame for your Commander-in-Chief is an obligation that any soldier or sailor should be proud of. He could’ve been asked for a lot more. After all, Secret Service agents are routinely expected to take a bullet for the president. Next to that, being designated a fool or blunderer for a botched mission should be considered a walk in the park.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

The Truth is in, and it Doesn’t Reside on the Left

The Department of Justice says it has “no choice” but to sue the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office for racism.

The truth is … DOJ does have a choice. It is trying to shackle Sheriff Joe Arpaio because he represents a major obstacle to their goal of fast-tracking illegal aliens to voting status. And they’re trying to divert attention from AG Eric Holder’s Fast & Furious scandal.

The DOJ says they have turned over 7,600 documents to Cong. Darrell Issa to comply with his investigation of the Fast & Furious scandal.

The truth is … they have given up harmless documents, but they are stonewalling the American people and Congress by withholding the documents that incriminate them most.

Fox News anchor Shepherd Smith says the GOP is on the wrong side of history regarding same-sex “marriage.”

The truth is … the GOP and conservatives are on the correct side of history. No civilization has ever undermined its marriage culture and prospered. Too many in the media use “news reporting” to engage in “agenda journalism” – without bothering to check the facts. Facts like state marriage amendments passing by a 100-percent margin. Americans of all stripes and persuasions believe marriage is the union of one man and one woman.

Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu is backing out of his congressional run and instead focusing on getting re-elected to his current office.

The truth is … Pinal County deserves a sheriff who won’t make the poor decisions Babeu made, putting himself in a compromising situation with bad moral choices.


The Arizona Conservative Announces First Wave of Primary Endorsements

The Arizona Conservative is endorsing these candidates for the August 28 primary elections. Additional Endorsements will follow over the next few weeks as more filings become public.

President-Mitt Romeny (General Election in November)

U.S.Senate-Wil Cardon

Congress-District 5: Matt Salmon

Congress-District 6: David Schweikert

State Senate-District 12-Andy Biggs

State Senate-District 17-Steve Yarbrough

State Senate-District 21-Rick Murphy

State Senate-District 25-Russell Pearce

State Rep.-District 12-Larry Chesley

State Rep.-District 15-John Allen

State Rep.-District 17-J.D. Mesnard, Tom Forese

State Rep.-District 18-Jeff Dial, Bob Robson

Governor Signs Pro-Woman Measure Restricting Abortionists from Accessing Taxpayer Funds

PHOENIX – Governor Jan Brewer this evening signed into law HB 2800, known as the Whole Woman’s Health Funding Priority Act. The Governor signed the measure while speaking at a reception for the Susan B. Anthony List, a group devoted to helping elect pro-life officials to public office.

HB 2800 prioritizes the distribution of public family-planning funds to health care entities that provide comprehensive care for women. The measure also prohibits the state or any political subdivision from contracting with a person or facility where non-federally qualified abortions are performed for the provision of family planning services.

“This is a common sense law that tightens existing state regulations and closes loopholes in order to ensure that taxpayer dollars are not used to fund abortions, whether directly or indirectly,” said Governor Brewer. “By signing this measure into law, I stand with the majority of Americans who oppose the use of taxpayer funds for abortion.”

Kansas, North Carolina and Texas have already enacted legislation similar to the Whole Woman’s Health Funding Priority Act. Indiana, New Jersey and Wisconsin have used their budget processes to bar public funding for abortion providers.


Obama Autobiography Revealed to Be Mostly Fictitious

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

President Obama’s putative autobiography—Dreams from My Father—is apparently mostly “made up stuff.” Nonexistent characters and imaginary events comprise the bulk of the content. The only verified content seems to be that the President was alive during the years depicted and that he must, therefore, have had a father—even though precisely who that might have been hasn’t been confirmed.

Press Secretary Jay Carney rebuffed criticism that the President’s book is a work of fiction. “Look, the title says it all,” Carney defensively asserted. “It’s pretty tame compared to my dreams. It has no space aliens, no naked clowns, and no spankings. It could’ve been a lot more lurid. I think we ought to give the President credit for being a lot more modest liar than most of us would be under similar circumstances.”

In other circles, the autobiography’s lack of connection to reality is being hailed as another sign of Obama’s genius. “Most people would be hard pressed to write a factual account of their own lives,” declared MSNBC’s Chris Matthews. “Yet, here we have a man that was able to create an alternate reality using only the power of his own mind. Reelecting him for another four year term would fall far short of what we ought to be doing. We ought to be begging him to stay on for life to rule over us like one of Plato’s philosopher kings.”

President Warns Court on Obamacare Ruling

President Barack Obama sought to ward off the possibility of the US Supreme Court invalidating his signature health care legislation by promising “severe consequences will ensue should they make that mistake.”

One of the “severe consequences” the President said he is contemplating is “to wreak havoc on the elderly by disrupting Medicare in a way that will torment this vulnerable segment of the population.”

On a more personal level. Obama threatened to diminish the status of the sitting Justices by appointing additional members to the Court. “The Constitution doesn’t say there should by nine judges on the Supreme Court,” Obama pointed out. “Nineteen would be an equally constitutional number. How would they like to see their votes diluted? How would they like to have to share office space?”

The president was unfazed by former President Franklin Roosevelt’s failure in his attempt to expand the number of Justices during his administration. “FDR’s mistake was that he asked Congress to legislate an increase in the number of judges,” Obama said. “Even though Democrats controlled both houses, divergent views and  competing egos blocked his effort. I won’t make that mistake. I will simply issue an Executive Order expanding the size of the Court on my own authority as the duly elected ruler of this nation.”

Pelosi Calls for End to Raids on Marijuana Producers and Distributors

Taking an uncharacteristic stand in favor of “states’ rights,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) beseeched President Obama to put an end to federal efforts to impede the production, distribution, and use of marijuana in states where it is legal.

“I know how important it is to the President to establish the absolute supremacy of the federal government in all matters,” Pelosi conceded. “I share that goal. Nevertheless, we can’t allow ourselves to lose sight of the fact that marijuana users are a prime constituency of the Democratic Party. So, while I’d normally say ‘screw states’ rights,’ in this case I think we have a rationale for making an exception that can work in our favor.”

California voters legalized the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes in a 1996 initiative. Since then users abiding by state law have still been exposed to criminal sanctions under federal law. The Obama Administration has continued federal action to suppress marijuana use in California and other states despite a 2008 pre-election promise to end this practice. Attorney General Eric Holder explained that “those who want us to look the other way know what they’ve got to do. So far, they just haven’t held up their side of the bargain.”

Administration Wants Easier Access to Cell Phone Records

The Obama Administration is demanding Congress pass legislation granting law enforcement greater access to personal cell phone records.

“Right now we have to show probable cause to obtain a warrant for these kinds of records,” complained Deputy Assistant Attorney General Jason Weinstein. “This demands that we must present some evidence that we have reason to believe a crime has been or will be committed before we can get a judge to issue that warrant. This standard is too strict.”

Weinstein argued that “a broader, more general authority to scrutinize cell phone activity would help us uncover crimes and other undesirable behavior that we’d otherwise miss” while simultaneously downplaying fears of an invasion of privacy. “If people aren’t doing anything wrong, why should they care if law enforcement knows what they’re up to?” Weinstein asked. “Besides, cell phone calls are transmitted through the people’s airways. As the representative of the people, government has a responsibility to see that these airways are not misused. No one forces a person to use a cell phone. If he does I think he voluntarily cedes his right to privacy.”

Bid to Capture Women’s Votes Intensifies

Already leading in the polls when it comes to women’s votes, the Obama campaign laid out a bold plan to seal the deal with a short film called the “Life of Julia.” In the film, the government is portrayed as Julia’s omnipresent caregiver and overseer.

“Both psychology and our polling data indicate that the thing women want most is to be taken care of,” said Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod. “Sadly, the traditional method of achieving this objective—being part of a loving family as a daughter, wife, mother, etc.–is defective. What we’re offering is for the government to slip in and substitute for the roles that would traditionally be played by fathers and husbands.”

“Government has more resources at its disposal than any individual man could bring to his family,” Axelrod bragged. “Government is immortal and ubiquitous. A woman would never have to worry about it becoming unemployed or asking for a divorce. She wouldn’t have to cook it meals, wash its socks, or put up with tiresome demands for sex or affection. If we can effectively communicate these facts we feel confident that the vast majority of women will vote Democrat this November.”

Warren Campaign Hits Road Bump

Democrat Elizabeth Warren, candidate for the Massachusetts senate seat now held by Republican Scott Brown, saw her campaign hit rough going over her claimed Native American ancestry.

Not only is the highly diluted nature of her claim (by her own account, she is one-thirty-second Native American) dogging her, but her boast that her great-great-great grandfather killed and scalped General Custer at the Battle of the Little Big Horn in 1876 hasn’t gone over as well as she had hoped.

Warren speculated that the negative reaction stems from sexism. “When Senator Kerry cut the ears off of the Viet Cong he killed he was considered a big war hero,” Warren declared. “And everybody’s praising the President for killing bin Laden. Is it because I’m a woman that I can’t get the same kind of respect?”

Russia Weighing Preemptive Strike

Charging that NATO’s anti-missile system poses a threat to its “strategic flexibility,” Moscow says it reserves the right to initiate a preemptive attack. Russian Chief of General Staff Nikolai Makarov says he isn’t buying the United States’ contention that the system is purely defensive in nature.

“The Americans say that their anti-missiles would only be deployed against incoming missiles,” Makarov observed. “But this in itself is offensive. Russia’s security may require a surprise first strike. American efforts to blunt such an option would fundamentally undermine our strategic planning.”

Makarov’s remarks were described as “incredibly poorly timed” by the Obama Administration. “Medvedev personally assured me that he would put a lid on this kind of rhetoric until after November,” Obama complained. “I thought I’d made it clear to him that his country’s needs would be met after I secured my reelection. Coming from a place where elections are just for show, I guess he doesn’t realize the trouble this causes me.”

City Warns Victims of Vandalism

San Francisco businesses whose windows were broken by “Occupy” protesters and whose subsequently boarded-up buildings were spray-painted with graffiti by local hoodlums were advised by city officials that they would be fined $500 a day if “the facilities are not put in acceptable condition within 30 days.”

“Rules are rules,” said Otto Lawless, head of the City’s Zoning Enforcement Division. “I have to do my job. Can you imagine how decrepit and dilapidated our city would look if I didn’t.”

Lawless said the affected businesses who feel that the police could’ve done more to protect their property in the first place “should quit their whining. Vandalism is just one of the costs of doing business in the city. Those who don’t want to pay for it always have the option to get out of town.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens Archives

Sen. Allen has Mixed Feelings about 2012 Legislative Session

Arizona Senator Sylvia Tenney Allen commented on this year’s legislative session on her Facebook page:

‎”2012 AZ Legislative session is now over. We did some great things this session and some important bills did not get through so I have mixed feelings about it. I will be writing an update of the session highlights and especially about the budget. I was sad it was my last session but I am excited to move on with future plans and efforts to help with issue here at home. I will miss some of my fellow Senators who became my best and fast friends, I will talk about them in my update.”

Exposing the Lies about Thomas Jefferson

Just read a couple amusing accounts of Thomas Jefferson in David Barton’s new book, “The Jefferson Lies: Exposing the Myths You’ve Always Believed About Thomas Jefferson.

First, while riding horseback from Monticello to Washington, D.C., President Jefferson met a man upon the road and the two ventured into political conversation. The stranger began an anti-Jefferson tirade. Jefferson joined in for a while, and then asked, “have you ever met the president?” The man replied he had not met Mr. Jefferson, who then asked if he thought it unfair to criticize someone he had not actually met. Ultimately, Jefferson encouraged the man to come to the president’s office and he would personally see to it that he was given the opportunity to meet the commander in chief.

The next day the man showed up at the president’s office, and upon meeting Mr. Jefferson, he began to profusely apologize. The president laughed if off, and the two enjoyed a friendly chat for the next few hours. Jefferson even insisted the man stay for dinner as his guest.

The second story will not please the ACLU. Jefferson was friend to many a pastor, donated to many of their churches — AND encouraged several to run for political office! Yet another brick in the wall of the myth of separation of church and state comes tumbling down!