President Tells Americans They’re Better off than Four Years Ago

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Chafing under the GOP’s repeated barbs about the pitiful state of the economy, President Obama attempted to seize control of the narrative.

“If there’s one thing I can say with certainty at this point in the campaign it’s that there is no question that Americans are absolutely better off than they were four years ago,” Obama insisted. “I know many may find this hard to believe. Maybe they’ve had a family member who’s been out of work or a neighbor who’s lost his house. But let me point out that these kinds of anecdotal stories are based on very small samples.”

“I think everyone would have to agree that the President is privy to both a broader scope of knowledge and a greater depth of understanding than the average person,” he added. “From my vantage point it is clear that people are overlooking some key factors.”

The President urged voters to consider that “through my initiatives, the requirement to seek work in order to qualify for welfare payments has been abolished. On top of this, more people than ever are now receiving Food Stamps. Voters shouldn’t let the GOP persuade them that these measures to liberate people from wage-slavery have made the average American worse off.”

Obama also cited the record 89 million Americans “not in the labor force” as “proof we’re on the right track.” “We have made it feasible for more people to exit the ‘rat race’ and join the ranks of the leisure class,” he boasted. “Granted, over 60% of the population is still stuck in the workday rut, b ut I’m confident that we can make further progress on reducing this if voters make the right choice at the polls this November.”

In related news, former President Bill Clinton posed the upcoming election as a clear choice. “If you want a you’re-on-your-own, winner-take-all society, you should support the Republican ticket,” Clinton said. “If you want government to take care of losers like yourself, you should support the Democratic ticket.”

DOJ Argues against Religious Exemption from Obamacare Mandate

The Thomas More Law Center’s lawsuit on behalf of Legatus, the nation’s largest organization of top Catholic business leaders was sharply challenged by Department of Justice lawyers. The lawsuit is seeking a religious exemption from being required to fund the birth control and abortion services dictated by Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius.

DOJ attorney, Stuart Delery argued that “the claimed freedom of religion infringement is without merit. The plaintiffs remain as free as ever to attend the church of their choice and to personally adhere to whatever dogma they choose to believe. What they are not free to do is refuse to pay for the medical treatments that the government has declared their employees are entitled to receive.”

Delery said “a careful reading of the Constitution finds no clause that restricts the government’s right to implement the health care regulations it deems warranted. On the contrary, the very first sentence of the document instructs the government to promote the general welfare.”

The DOJ lawyer also contended that “the plaintiffs’ case fails even within the context of their own religious tenets. Jesus, their religion’s guiding light, bade his followers to ‘render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.’ Is not the money they object to paying for the mandated health services clearly ‘Caesar’s?’ Isn’t it the US Government that issues the money, regulates its value, and directs how it may lawfully be used?”

Bin-Laden Dead, GM Alive Theme Rouses Democrats

The Democrats’ search for a theme that will motivate voters to reelect President Obama may have been answered, by of all people, Vice-President Joe Biden: “Osama Bin Laden is dead, and General Motors is alive.”

“These two facts highlight the stark differences between President Obama and Governor Romney,” Biden asserted. “Not only has President Obama killed bin-Laden, he’s killed dozens of other enemies of this country. In fact, he meets weekly with his advisers to decide who’s next on his hit list. Romney, on the other hand, hasn’t killed anyone. Do voters really want to take a chance on someone so inexperienced?”

“And would a President Romney have had what it takes to save GM?” Biden asked. “He’d have wanted to see income statements and balance sheets to try to determine whether it was a wise investment before risking anyone’s money. This narrow focus on financial viability is the kind of behavior that comes naturally to a bean-counting profiteer. The President of the United States needs to take a broader perspective.”

Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) sang a similar tune saying “we need a president who knows the difference between our friends and our enemies and acts accordingly.”

“The Republicans are trying to make hay out of the ‘are you better off’ question,” Kerry observed. “Well, is bin-Laden better off? I think not. On the other hand, are the workers of GM better off? You’re darn right they are. We’ve got a president who kills our enemies and rewards our friends. Do voters really want to trade him for a guy we can’t trust to do the same?”

In a bid to lock in another key demographic for the Democrats, Kal Penn, actor in the Harold and Kumar stoner movies and former White House aide for the Obama Administration, urged voters to “reelect the guy who gave the order to take out bin Laden—and who’s cool with all of us getting gay-married. These truly historic achievements fulfill the promise of hope and change we were promised by the guy who did this.”

Welfare Waivers Unlawful GAO Says

The Obama Administration’s decision to waive the work requirement for welfare recipients must be submitted for Congressional approval the Government Accountability Office says. Under existing law, all administrative changes of policy or regulations must be submitted to Congress for their review.

Representative Dave Camp (R-Mich), Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, charged that Secretary Sebelius’ waiver “constitutes an illegal end-run around Congressional oversight.”

Sebelius defended her actions as “necessary given the high probability of obstruction from the Republican-controlled House of Representatives. Voters elected President Obama in order to effect change in the way we do business. His ability to carry out this mandate cannot be held hostage by an uncooperative legislature.”

“If Congress thinks he is breaking their law let them impeach him,” the Secretary jeered. “That is their only  Constitutional prerogative. If they can’t muster the nerve to exercise that prerogative he will continue to do what he thinks is right.”

God Put into Democratic Party Platform Despite Delegates’ Opposition

A belated decision to amend the Democratic Party Platform to incorporate a brief mention alluding to the possibility there might be a God did not go over well with a majority of the delegates. It took Convention Chairman, Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, three unsuccessful tries to get the delegates’ approval before he took it upon himself to declare the amendment adopted.

Despite the rather obvious disapproval of the amendment by the delegates, DNC chair Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla) insisted that the required two-thirds in favor threshold was met. “Look, the Convention Chair approved it and President Obama approved it,” Wasserman-Schultz pointed out. “That’s two out of three in favor. Whatever the majority of the delegates might want is, therefore, a moot point.”

Wasserman-Schultz brushed off reports that President Obama had approved the original language omitting God from the document as “irrelevant. What the President may have wanted earlier has no bearing. He’s the one who has to run on this platform. He ‘s the one who should decide what it says. So what if he changed his mind. Isn’t flexibility of mind something we ought to value in a leader?”

In related news, Obama Campaign adviser David Axelrod downplayed those comparing the delegates’ three denials of God with Peter’s three denials of Jesus. “Even if we were to take these comparisons at face value isn’t it true that Peter was forgiven and went on to found a new religion?” Axelrod remembered. “Surely, the delegates who didn’t realize they were denying the wishes of the President can be forgiven. More importantly, the Democratic Party Platform’s commitment to women’s reproductive rights was never in question.”

Pentagon Threatens Author of “No Easy Day”

The Pentagon has threatened “severe repercussions” against a former Navy SEAL for writing a book about the mission to kill bin-Laden.

“The fact of the matter is that the mission to kill bin-Laden is the exclusive intellectual property of the President of the United States,” Pentagon press secretary, George Little said. “No accounts of this event may be published without the express permission of the Commander-in-Chief.”

Little warned that “the book represents a serious security breach” and reminded the author that “the President is not without potent options for neutralizing this threat. We’ve already penetrated the pseudonym the author tried to use to protect himself. He cannot imagine he will get away with his disobedience.”

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