Attacks on US Embassies Seen as Boost for President’s Reelection

By John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Morale in President Obama’s reelection campaign is said to be soaring since Muslim mobs have attacked US embassies in the Middle East.

“Anything that gets the dismal economic news off the front page has got to be a plus for the president,” said a campaign official who declined to be identified. “Add to this the premise that we all should be rallying around the president in a show of unity and it’s clearly a big boost for his reelection campaign.”

Obama wasted no time in an effort to exploit this perceived “lucky break” as he lambasted rival Mitt Romney’s “shoot first, aim later” response to the crisis. “Voters don’t want a president who hastily condemns actions before hearing both sides of the story,” the president asserted. “They want to be reassured that their government will take a measured approach.”

Major media spokesmen favorably contrasted the Obama Administration’s “measured” approach with Romney’s “irresponsible” and “ham-fisted” remarks. “Romney was quick to point the finger of blame at protesters, but took his sweet time before he criticized the blasphemous video for its role in the events,” said NBC’s Chuck Todd. “Compare this to President Obama’s immediate recognition of the root cause of the outbreak: disrespect for Islam. I think that when voters consider which of two candidates is more likely to take the steps needed to address the root cause of Muslim violence we’ll see a major swing in favor of reelecting the president.”

HUD Secretary Says More Taxes Needed to Subsidize Latinos

In a speech to the Congressional Hispanic Caucus Institute, Housing and Urban Development Secretary Shaun Donovan argued that taxes should be raised to support more subsidies for Latinos.

“On balance, Latinos are more apt to be tax-consumers rather than tax-payers,” Donovan pointed out. “A robust program of government investment in housing, food stamps, and welfare disproportionately benefits Latinos. The GOP’s plan to cut this spending, on the other hand, would disproportionately hurt Latinos.”

Donovan admitted that “making the case for tax hikes is not an easy one. The Republicans have done a pretty good job of making the IRS into a bogeyman. But you only need to be afraid if you’re part of the minority that pays taxes. Most Latinos, though, especially those without documents, are in the majority who are exempt from income taxes. We need to get the message out that raising these taxes is basically a free ride for most Latinos.”

In related news, the Environmental Protection Agency commemorated Hispanic Heritage Month by touting Che Guevara as “the kind of champion of social justice that Latinos everywhere can look to for inspiration. He gave his life fighting for a more equitable redistribution of wealth. Surely we can give our votes.”

Administration Finally Agrees to Give Romney Intel Briefings

While it has been customary for presidential nominees of major political parties to receive intelligence briefings during the campaign, the Obama Administration has neglected to follow this precedent until now.

“We didn’t think it’d be such a big deal,” said Thomas Donilon, Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs. “I mean, the President himself is hardly ever at the intel briefings. How could it be important for someone who’s not even part of the government to get this info?”

No Time for Israeli Prime Minister in Obama’s Busy Schedule

Press Secretary Jay Carney sought to explain President Obama’s refusal to meet with Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu when he visits the United States next week.

“There are only so many hours in a day,” Carney observed. “The President has to prioritize how he spends his time. Meeting with Mr. Netanyahu just didn’t make the cut.”

Some things that have made the cut have raised some eyebrows. Obama maintains an aggressive campaign fund-raising calendar and will make an appearance on David Letterman’s TV show.

“Look, Letterman has been a great friend to the President,” Carney said. “The guy’s in a battle for viewers every night of the week. Repaying this friendship and boosting his ratings is the honorable thing to do. And, to be honest, having millions watching the President on the show can’t hurt his reelection campaign.”

“The fund-raisers are a ‘no brainer,’” Carney continued. “The President is in the most desperate fight of his life. If he doesn’t win reelection everything he has tried to accomplish is in danger. It takes money to win elections. He shouldn’t be blamed for his efforts to get as much of it as he can.”

“It’s not as if the President has never met with Netanyahu,” Carney added. “What’s to be gained by yet another sit down with the guy? Yeah, Israel’s concerned about Iran’s nukes, yadda, yadda, yadda. But what can we do about it? Besides, given the current tensions in the region maybe creating a little more space between the United States and Israel might not be such a bad thing. I know some people would be very happy to see that.”

Sebelius’ Violation of Hatch Act Won’t Be Punished White House Says

The Hatch Act’s prohibition against campaigning on the taxpayers’ dime didn’t stop Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius from making a pitch for President Obama’s reelection at a Human Rights Campaign Event in Charlotte, N.C.

“Strictly speaking, what she did was against the law,” White House spokesman Eric Schultz acknowledged. “But we also need to take into consideration her intent and prior record. Secretary Sebelius is a highly respected member of this Administration with no previous criminal record. Further, it is clear that her intent was admirable. An effort to help reelect the President serves a higher purpose. The President feels it would be inappropriate to penalize such praiseworthy behavior.”

Administration Springs into Action Following Mid-East Crisis

In the wake of numerous attacks on US embassies throughout the Mid-East, the Obama Administration has undertaken several initiatives aimed at quelling the crisis.

One of these initiatives has been to launch an investigation of those responsible for producing the video alleged to be the spark inciting the violence. Attorney General Eric Holder has already disclosed the real name and location of the individual who produced the offending video.

Holder maintained that his Department is acting within the bounds of the First Amendment. “We are not abridging anyone’s freedom of speech,” he insisted. “Mr. Nakoula has had his say without any interference from us. We are now endeavoring to smooth the way for others to freely exercise their religious beliefs.”

Tommy Vietor, a spokesman for the Administration’s National Security Council, contacted You Tube and Google demanding that the offensive video be suppressed. “Hurting the feelings of over a billion Muslims cannot be tolerated,” Vietor contended. “The President is determined that this misuse of the Internet must stop.”

Joint Chiefs Chairman General Martin Dempsey phoned Florida Pastor Terry Jones and advised him to disassociate himself with the offending video. “I wanted to impress upon him the serious national security threat posed by this video and other actions deemed to be offensive to Muslim religious sensibilities,” Dempsey said. “I also reminded him that the President has the authority to arrest and detain anyone he considers a threat to national security.”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton hastened to reassure the Egyptian Government that their failure to prevent the attack on our embassy will not endanger a planned shipment of over a billion dollars in US foreign aid. She also urged him not to overreact to suggestions that US Marines guarding our embassies be allowed to carry loaded weapons. “I would caution President Mursi to remember that it is only a suggestion at this point,” Clinton reminded. “For now we will study the matter. And we will certainly get his buy-in before we go ahead.”

Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney urged Muslims “to direct their wrath not at the US Government, but at the right wing extremists who callously offend their religion. They need to recognize that President Obama is the best friend they could have in the White House and refrain from doing anything that might give aid and comfort to his opponent during the weeks before our elections.”

Secretary Urges Calm in Midst of Report that Ambassador Was Raped Before He Was Murdered

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton endeavored to moderate American outrage over reports that Ambassador Christopher Stevens was raped before he was killed by Libyans who attacked the US Embassy.

“Horrific as this may sound to us, I have been informed that this practice is not that unusual for the region,” Clinton said. “I am told that the fact that former dictator Muammar Qaddafi was dispatched by Libyan rebels using the same protocol should be construed as a sign of respect for the Ambassador.”

“To us the rape was disgusting, but was it any more disgusting than the sacrilegious video that provoked the attack?” Clinton asked. “Rather than ramping up the cycle of resentment on both sides, perhaps we should consider whether these atrocities offset one another and hit the ‘reset button’ with our Muslim allies.”

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