John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The acquittal of George Zimmerman for the shooting death of Trayvon Martin spurred an incensed Attorney General Eric Holder to vow to rein-in “the senseless concept of self-defense.” A Florida jury decided that Zimmerman, a neighborhood watch volunteer, used deadly force in self-defense after the bigger Martin attacked him, knocked him to the ground, and proceeded to beat him—breaking his nose, blackening his eyes, and bashing his head against the pavement.
“We don’t live in some primitive state-of-nature where everyone must defend himself,” Holder asserted. “We are a civilized society. It is the Government’s Constitutional responsibility to provide for the common defense. Granted, Government agents can’t be everywhere all the time, but to use this as an excuse to allow individuals to decide how much force they can use to protect themselves is a formula for anarchy.”
The Attorney General claimed that “in an ideal world only government officers would have weapons. We are assiduously working toward that ideal, but aren’t there yet. Until we get there we ought to insist that self-defense be limited to a response in-kind. If someone punches you you’d be entitled to punch back, but not to escalate by retaliating with a weapon. If this concept of self-defense had been in place, Trayvon Martin would be alive today. Zimmerman might have taken a severe beating, but he’d probably have survived. The social cost of the run-in between these two would’ve been lower than it turned out to be under our antiquated concept.”
While admitting that he cannot seize all the privately owned guns, Holder took some small satisfaction in his authority to seize Zimmerman’s gun as “evidence” in a prospective trial for violating Martin’s civil rights. “The scope of the benefit is narrow and probably temporary—though, who can say how long our investigation might take,” Holder observed. “At the very least, we have disarmed an admitted killer for a while.”
In related news, Press Secretary Jay Carney disavowed the government’s responsibility to protect Zimmerman from widespread death threats. “To imply that the President has an obligation to protect this guy is ridiculous,” Carney maintained. “Besides, isn’t Zimmerman an advocate for self-defense? Wasn’t that his claim at his trial? I suppose he felt strong facing one unarmed teenager, but maybe isn’t so brave with hundreds after his scalp. He should’ve thought of that before he pulled the trigger on a boy who could’ve been the President’s son.”
Benghazi Investigation Blocked by Non-Disclosure Agreements
Representative Frank Wolf (R-Va) says that sources have informed him that key witnesses to the events surrounding September 2012’s attack that killed Ambassador Stephens and three other Americans in Benghazi have been forced to sign non-disclosure agreements.
“As I understand it, these people have been threatened with loss of employment, lawsuits and possible prison time if they testify before Congress,” Wolf said. “Non-disclosure agreements may be appropriate in a business context where proprietary secrets must be protected from competitors. However, they strike me as completely inappropriate as a means of blocking Congressional oversight of government operations.”
Secretary of State John Kerry defended the agreements as “more humane than the alternative. The Government has an absolute right and obligation to protect itself from revelations that could damage its credibility or ability to carry out its policies. The Government ought to be able to count on its employees to refrain from revealing state secrets. We need to be able to counterbalance Congress issuing threats in order to try to compel testimony. The non-disclosure agreement gives these employees legal grounds to refuse to answer questions.”
Kerry warned Congress “not to push the issue lest the Government be compelled to resort to the more drastic measures used by some other governments where witnesses simply disappear never to be heard from again. If Congress persists in its dangerous quest for information it doesn’t really need the blood will be on their hands.”
Pelosi Says Abortion Opponents “Out of Step”
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) characterized the recent successful effort in Texas to limit late term abortions as “sexually naive” and “out of step with the times.”
“To listen to those who oppose a woman’s right to choose you’d think that reproduction was the most important aspect of sexual intercourse,” Pelosi sneered. “The era of ‘begetting’ has long since passed. It is a rare individual that engages in sex just to have a child. The main objective is personal pleasure. Pregnancy is an unfortunate and unwanted byproduct most of the time. As President Obama has said, should a woman be punished with a baby just because she wants to enjoy her body?”
Mayor Says Sexual Harassment Charges “Bogus”
San Diego Mayor Bob Filner (D) dismissed allegations that his physical contact with employees constitutes sexual harassment. The grabbing, squeezing, and kissing is all part of what he calls “my hands-on management style. I’m a very outgoing and loving person. I shouldn’t be penalized for showing my affection.”
Council Woman Donna Frye, who has demanded that Filner resign as Mayor, disputed his characterization of his behavior. “He got me in a headlock and demanded I kiss him,” Frye charged. “That goes way beyond the bounds of what’s acceptable.”
Filner also denied that he has engaged in sexual harassment insisting that “I don’t discriminate against the ugly ones. Neither have I neglected the men. It’s just that none of them has been so ungrateful as to complain about the added attention I give them.”
Obama Won’t Save Detroit from Bankruptcy
Despite boasting during last Fall’s reelection campaign that he wouldn’t let Detroit go bankrupt, President Obama says he now has no plans to bail out the beleaguered city. After decades of fiscally imprudent spending, the City is unable to pay its bills.
“I have to admit that when I first heard about the possibility I thought there was no way I could let that happen,” Obama said. “But as it’s been explained to me, the City can just default on its bonds and that debt will be wiped out. These bonds are mostly owned by rich people who don’t really need that money.”
Another factor justifying defaulting on the bonds according to the President is that “they were bought as a way to avoid paying taxes on the income. You see, interest earned on municipal bond is tax-free. So, in a way, these bond holders have been cheating the government out of its rightful share of their earnings for a long time. Canceling these bonds now helps even the score.”
IRS Admits Targeting GOP Candidates
The U.S. Department of the Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration has admitted privately to Senator Chuck Grassley (R–Iowa) that the IRS “targeted for audit candidates for public office.”
The IRS chief counsel William Wilkins, the person named by several IRS underlings as the individual directing this targeting, maintains he has done nothing wrong. “What many people overlook is that Secretary of Homeland Security designated tea party groups as potential threats to the government,” Wilkins offered in his defense. “Realistically, the possibility that this threat could undermine the government was much larger than that posed by al-Qaeda. How could I be expected to sit by idly and do nothing to avert or mitigate this threat?”
Mayor Seeks to Prevent Trayvon-Style Tragedy in NYC
Proclaiming himself to be “stupefied by the insensitivity of the verdict” in the Zimmerman trial, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg decreed a new “obligation to retreat” policy for City Police. Under the policy, law enforcement officers will be required to disengage from confrontations with criminal suspects whenever a risk of bodily harm to the officers or suspects may be present. Henceforth, police will only be permitted to use nonviolent means of maintaining the peace and apprehending law-breakers.
“While our City has made great strides in disarming the general public, we have to acknowledge that a disconcertingly large percentage of minority fatalities occur at the hands of City police officers,” Bloomberg said. “Therefore, I am instructing that if suspects decline an officer’s request to halt or to accompany him to the station house and assume a hostile stance, the officer must deescalate the situation by whatever means necessary. It is better that the suspect escape than that the use of deadly force result in tragedy.”
The Mayor acknowledged that the union is not happy with the new policy, but argued that “the police will still be armed and can still use these weapons as a last resort if backing away and ducking for cover are insufficient. What we’re trying to prevent is a situation where if a suspect is putting a ‘beat-down’ on an officer he feels he’s within his rights to unholster his weapon. An officer ought to be able to take a punch and not lose his cool.”
The new policy received an unqualified endorsement from MSNBC commentator Al Sharpton. “It levels the playing field,” Sharpton declared. “By putting the burden of maintaining the peace on the so-called peace officers it respects the dignity of the accused and protects him from police harassment.”
This new policy of disengagement and deescalation is expected to supplement the recent order banning the use of race in police BOLO and APB alerts.
A Satirical Look at Recent News
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and do not change the context. Thank you.
John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Concerned over evidence that some of the weapons the US has been supplying to enemies of the Syrian government have fallen into the hands of jihadists inimical to US interests, both the House and Senate Intelligence Committee members of both Parties voted to restrict funding.
While Congress would appear to be acting within its powers according to the Constitution, the Obama Administration denounced the move as “unwarranted interference.” National Security Advisor Susan Rice declared that “the President’s latitude in conducting foreign policy cannot be infringed by fetters concocted in the halls of Congress. As long as he holds the office he will continue to arm those he deems deserving of our aid regardless of what anyone else thinks.”
The President’s usurpation of Congressional authority ruffled feathers in the legislative branch, but is not expected to result in any significant action against the President. House Intelligence Committee Chair, Representative Mike Rogers (R-Mich) appeared resigned to impotence. “Is it an impeachable offense?” he asked. “Yes, but the President could grab a child out of a crowd and strangle it on TV and the Democrats in the Senate would still vote against convicting him. He’s their guy and they will back him no matter what he does. The Framers’ notion that the legislature would jealously guard against executive tyranny has been proven false.”
Senate Intelligence Committee Chair Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) effectively concurred in Rogers’ assessment of the situation. “As the revelations of Edward Snowden have shown, the President has access to information that could humiliate anyone who opposes him in any serious way,” Feinstein admitted. “With that sword hanging over your head, why destroy your career if it’s clear that resistance is futile?”
In related news, the Obama Administration warned the Egyptian government to cease arresting members of the Muslim Brotherhood or face a curtailment of US foreign aid. “The contention that the Brotherhood is undermining the peace does not trump the fact that this organization is the legitimate government of Egypt and has the full confidence of President Obama,” said Secretary of State John Kerry.
Dallas School District Opts Out of Deputized Marshal Program
Dallas Independent School District Police Chief Craig Miller announced that his district will not be participating in a new program permitting school employees to be deputized and trained to assist in providing security.
“If schools are concerned about deterring armed assailants they should be hiring more police, not arming the teachers,” Miller asserted. “The notion that part-time amateurs could substitute for full-time professionals disrespects our profession. The use of deadly force ought to be restricted to fully qualified police officers.”
The new law is predicated on the belief that attackers would be dissuaded by the fear that a widespread possession of concealed firearms among the staff could thwart their efforts to maximize the body-count in any assault on the school. “The cost of hiring enough additional police to provide the coverage that could be achieved by deputizing a trained cadre of in-school personnel is beyond the budgetary grasp of most school districts,” said State Representative Jason Villalba (R-Dallas), author of the law. “Training and arming the school staff is a cost-effective means for warding off criminals bent on murdering our children.”
“I call your attention to Representative Villalba’s use of the phrase ‘cost-effective,’” Miller countered. “He is putting the hypothetical benefit of his program ahead of the plain fact that he isn’t willing to spend money to ensure that sufficient police are funded.”
“Saving these kids’ lives is at least as important as teaching them the three ‘Rs,’” Miller argued. “If we’re going to fund a teacher in every room we ought to be willing to fund a police officer in every room. Surely that would be the ultimate deterrent to any criminal.”
Pelosi Denies that Obamacare Employer Mandate Was Illegally Delayed
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) rejected accusations that the Obama Administration’s postponement of the implementation of the Affordable Care Act’s “employer mandate” is an illegal delay.
“First of all, a ‘postponement’ is not a ‘delay,’” Pelosi insisted as she attempted to make her point using a football analogy. “In football, a team can be assessed a penalty for ‘illegal delay of game’ if they don’t get a play underway within the allotted time limit. However, a football game can simply be rescheduled to an entirely different day without penalty. What the President did was reschedule the employer mandate to an entirely different day. That is not illegal and no penalty should be assessed.”
“And on the matter of whether President Obama is entitled to reschedule the implementation—isn’t he, in effect, the quarterback of ‘Team America?’ Pelosi asked. “The voters elected him to be their leader. Congress may have sent in a play by enacting the Affordable Care Act, but shouldn’t he be able to call an ‘audible’ if, in his judgment, the provisions of that Act need revision to be most effective?”
Pelosi rebutted GOP arguments that if the employer mandate is delayed, so too should the individual mandate. “It’s an entirely different situation,” she maintained. “If the President thinks the individual mandate should go ahead as originally planned who are we to second guess him? So far, he’s been right far more often than he’s been wrong. After all, he was reelected. I say we trust him and follow his lead wherever it takes us.”
Majority of Muslims in UK on Welfare
Statistics indicate that a majority of Muslims residing in the United Kingdom receive government welfare benefits. This includes 53% of working age Muslim adult males.
Anjem Choudary, spokesman for the Islamist group Islam4UK, justified the behavior saying that “labor is the lot of the kafir. Muslim men have a higher obligation than working for mere material sustenance. The Quran bids them to wage jihad until all the world obeys the word of Allah.”
“Taking the payments freely offered to us by the government enables us to devote our full energy to the struggle to make Islam dominant,” Choudary said. “It also initiates the unbelievers in their proper role under sharia law, while helping to divert resources that might otherwise be used to resist our march toward the global caliphate.”
In related news, lunches packed from home may be banned at school. Education Secretary Michael Gove explained that “parents aren’t the best qualified persons for selecting what their child eats. Widespread obesity is proof of that. When you add in the fact that some of the foods brought from home are offensive to our Muslim students, the policy of barring home-made lunches is a ‘no brainer.’”
Californians Sign Petition to Repeal Bill of Rights
A petition to repeal the Bill of Rights because it is blocking the full implementation of President Obama’s plan for America easily gained endorsements in California this past week. The petition idea was instigated by activist Mark Dice and he found few beach goers who refused to sign his petition.
“Obama’s my man,” said one signer. “I’d do anything to help him out.”
“The Bill of Rights is really old,” said another. “There’s no way that the scribblings of some long dead white guys should be allowed to stop the President from doing what needs to be done today.”
“Too many people abuse the Bill of Rights to make statements against the President,” said another. “This just makes his job of unifying everyone behind a common goal so much harder.”
“Isn’t the Bill of Rights the excuse some people are using to stop the government from disarming all the ‘gun nuts’ out there?” asked yet another. “These people pose a threat to the government that needs to be controlled.”
Administration Disavows Any Knowledge of Break-in
A burglary at the offices of a Dallas law firm representing a State Department whistle blower bore an eerie resemblance to the break-in at Democratic National Committee in the Watergate office building in 1972. Computers and files were stolen, but silver bars, video equipment and other valuables were untouched.
The law firm represents Aurelia Fedenisn, a former investigator at the State Department’s Office of the Inspector General. Fedenisn alleged that a US ambassador and big Obama donor was soliciting underage prostitutes and that high-level officials of the State Department, then run by Hillary Clinton, interfered with eight investigations and doctored her report.
Press Secretary Jay Carney called suspicions that the Administration might be behind the burglary “absurd. Do I have to remind everyone that the files kept at the National Security Agency contain comprehensive records of every email and phone call made by everyone in the country? Should the President or Secretary of State want to know what’s in the files and on the computers of this law firm they could simply access the NSA database. There would be no need to break into these offices.”
Carney speculated that “some well-meaning friends of the Administration may have gone a little too far in their efforts to defend the president and his policies from the sniping of self-styled whistle blowers like Fedenisn. While we can’t completely condone what they did, we shouldn’t be too quick to condemn them.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and do not change the context. Thank you.
John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
This past week the Obama Administration unilaterally decreed a postponement in the legislated deadline for implementation of the employer compliance component of the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare). While many have questioned the legally of this action, Senior White House Adviser Valerie Jarrett vociferously defended it.
“The President can’t be held to a rigid statutory calendar if, in his judgment, the results would be detrimental to his overall agenda,” Jarrett claimed. “Allowing the employer sanctions to go into effect as legislatively mandated would’ve introduced a negative impression of the Act at a most inopportune time.”
The postponed employer sanction is a $2,000 fine for each employee not provided with acceptable heath insurance. The “negative impression” likely refers to the anticipated shock wave of anger amongst the surprisingly large segment of the population that surveys show is unaware of this penalty.
“Heading into the crucial mid-term elections in 2014 we feel it is essential that there be a positive vibe to the program,” Jarrett argued. “Much more is at stake than ritualistic adherence to arbitrary deadlines. The chance for our Party to retake the majority in the House must not be imperiled by mindless devotion to formalities.”
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) confirmed Jarrett’s take on the issue saying that “the year’s delay will give employers more time to adjust their attitudes toward the new reality. Right now there’s a lot of complaining about how this will hurt profits and force layoffs. We can’t risk vindicating these complaints ahead of the 2014 elections that will determine which Party will control Congress.”
Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla), Chair of the Democratic National Committee, praised “the President’s commitment to a higher principle than mere observance of a statutory requirement. I find it reassuring that he is willing to go beyond a narrowly defined role as an enforcer of the laws enacted by Congress and assume the mantle of champion of the people’s right to improved health care.”
GOP contentions that the delay in implementation is evidence of the impracticality of the heath care law were dismissed by Jarrett. “If the health care law is a mess it’s because we didn’t get the single-payer system we wanted,” she complained. “If government were the sole arbiter of what could be spent on treatments there would’nt be penalties for noncompliance. There wouldn’t be any option to decline coverage. Everyone would be covered whether they liked it or not. The necessary funds would simply be withheld from their paychecks.”
Obama Urges Africans to Accept Poverty to Save Planet
President Obama urged Africans to “step up and make the sacrifices needed to spare the world from the ravages of global warming.”
The President blamed global warming on “America’s insatiable lust for comfort and convenience. In America the people have grown soft. If they are hot they want to turn down a thermostat to cool an entire building. Instead of going to sleep when it gets dark they demand electricity to banish the night. Rather than confine their travel to destinations reachable on foot they drive everywhere.”
The “self-indulgent” behavior of Americans was contrasted with the “stoic heroism of average Africans who endure lives of squalor that place minimal burdens on the planet’s ecosystem. Your homes are built of mud and straw. Your food is natural and unprocessed. Manual labor and walking for hours each day keep you fit. It is a lifestyle to which all should aspire.”
Obama allowed that “it will take generations of effort and enlightened policies to bring Americans in line with the planet-saving modes of living that are the norm in Africa. I ask that you patiently wait for us to catch up with you rather than rushing to embark on the same destructive path we have taken.”
President Cancels Fireworks for Troops
Citing budget constraints, the Commander-in-Chief ordered the cancellation of July 4th fireworks displays at a number of military bases. The juxtaposition of the relatively minor savings achieved with the extraordinarily costly Presidential family vacation tour of Africa currently underway has raised some hackles.
Press Secretary Jay Carney expressed some sympathy for the disappointed service men and women, but defended the Administration’s choice to spend $100 million on the African trip. “Granted, the trip may be a thousand times more expensive than what would’ve been spent on the canceled fireworks, but the benefits are more than a thousand times as great,” Carney contended.
“I’d venture to say that every one of the military personnel affected has seen fireworks shows more than once in their lives,” Carney guessed. “Compare this to the millions of Africans who have never had the opportunity to see President Obama. The President’s trip is giving these millions of Africans a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to glimpse the greatest man of their era live and in person.”
“We are confident that the American people will weigh the minimal sacrifice imposed on some of our troops against the enormous benefits the President is bestowing on these otherwise deprived and impoverished Africans and agree that he made the correct decision,” Carney concluded.
In related news, US troops stationed in Afghanistan celebrated July 4th by holding a “Gay Pride” parade. An incensed Afghan Government protested the “flaunting of depraved and forbidden sexual behaviors in our faces” and demanded “the payment of $10 billion in compensation.”
Egyptian Turmoil Puts Administration in Quandary
The military ouster of the democratically elected Mohammed Morsi government in Egypt has put the Obama Administration in a difficult position. Existing statutes mandate the termination of military aid to any country in which a military coup overthrows an elected government. On the other hand, the new Egyptian regime threatens to release the contents of Morsi’s secret files if aid is stopped.
Based on previous disclosures from Libyan intelligence files, it is speculated that Morsi’s files may contain information linking his government to both arms trafficking between Ambassador Stephens and al-Qaeda rebels in Syria as well as the attack on the Benghazi Consulate safe house that ended up killing Stephens and three other Americans.
“It’s a difficult moral dilemma,” said US Secretary of State John Kerry. “On the one hand, we have an obligation to respect the right of an electorate to choose their own oppressors. On the other hand, we have the obligation to protect our own government from damaging revelations.”
Kerry insisted that “there will be no ‘knee-jerk’ rush to comply with what may be an out-dated and inapplicable statute. There will be discussions at the highest levels to try to find the most appropriate resolution of these seemingly conflicting obligations.”
NYC Mayor Choice: Pervert or Food Nazi?
New York City Council Speaker Christine Quinn’s latest campaign promise may be behind the surprising surge in voter appeal of her rival for mayor, former Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY). Quinn says that if she’s elected companies will not be allowed to market unhealthy foods to children.
One voter who said she is reluctantly switching her support to Weiner explained “it’s a tough choice. I mean, there’s no question that Weiner is a pervert, but the scope of the damage he can do seems like it would be more limited. Being on the receiving end of one of his sexts would be disgusting. Quinn, though, looks like she wants to be a dictator. Sure, she thinks it’s for our own good, but shouldn’t I be the one who decides whether my kid gets a ‘Happy Meal’ or not?”
DOJ: Government Has Right to Ban Home Schooling
The Department of Justice intervened in the case of a German family seeking asylum in order to home school their children. The Romeike family fled Germany when authorities threatened to remove their children from their parents’ custody if they weren’t sent to public school.
Lawyers for the family called teaching one’s own children a fundamental parental right. Not so, said a brief filed by the US Department of Justice: “Where the boundary lies between parental authority and state authority is a matter of law. The state’s interest in promoting a child’s socialization as a participant in the collective body of the nation’s people is just as valid as a parent’s desire to promote his values and beliefs. To assert that this family has a so-called ‘human right’ to escape from a jurisdiction that imposes a collective vision over their individualist vision unfairly denigrates the state’s interests.”
The fact that the German law against home schooling was enacted by the Nazis in 1938 was held to be “irrelevant” by the DOJ: “The Nazis have been long gone from the scene in Germany. Numerous subsequent governments have had the chance to repeal this law. We can only conclude that Germans prefer siding with the state over the individual in this matter. By granting asylum we would be negating the German government’s claim to decide who shall control the education of a child.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and do not change the context. Thank you.
By Cathi Herrod, President, Center for Arizona Policy
The key message for Arizonans from the U.S. Supreme Court is this: Your right to define marriage as the union of one man and one woman is preserved.
It’s important to note that the Court did not find a Constitutional right to same-sex “marriage.”
Here are the facts:
Defense of Marriage Act – The Court struck down DOMA as violating the Fifth Amendment in a 5-4 decision, with Justice Kennedy writing the majority opinion.
California’s Proposition 8 – The Court ruled that the defendants of Prop 8 did not have standing to argue before the Court, and therefore remanded the case back to Federal District Court and vacated the Ninth Circuit Court’s decision in a 5-4 decision with Chief Justice Roberts writing the majority opinion.
Though Center for Arizona Policy disagrees with aspects of the Court’s decision, we are grateful that the Court did not undermine the will of Arizona voters who strongly supported our state’s 2008 marriage amendment.
In DOMA, CAP believes that the court erred in claiming that a state that has redefined marriage can force that definition on the federal government for purposes of federal marriage laws.
In Prop 8, the court has ensured that the state-by-state debate about marriage is allowed to continue. Truly the debate over marriage has just begun.
Marriage is more than just a personal promise, it serves a public purpose. It is society’s best guarantee of a limited government that stays out of family life. Social science data has proved this time and time again.
Center for Arizona Policy is committed to continuing to stand for marriage and to defeat any efforts to redefine this essential union.
After accessing the Voting Record, please take time to share this important resource. It’s vital that your friends and family discover how their legislators voted on these important bills.
While this session had significant challenges, CAP was able to continue its record of success in promoting life, marriage and family, and religious liberty in public policy. Here is a recap of the session:
Another successful session: In total, nine CAP-supported bills were signed into law this year. Since the organization’s founding in 1995, 123 CAP-supported bills have become law – 60 in the last 5 years alone!
Medicaid: The most hotly debated issue of the legislative session was whether or not to expand Medicaid to childless adults up to 133% of the Federal Poverty Level. While Medicaid typically falls outside of CAP issue areas, the proposed expansion meant more dollars and patients to abortion providers like Planned Parenthood who also provide Medicaid services.
CAP worked with lawmakers to address this issue, though ultimately, no efforts to prevent further funding of the abortion industry under Medicaid expansion were successful.
Vetoes: We’re grateful for Governor Brewer signing the nine CAP-supported bills into law this session. Sadly, she vetoed three CAP-supported bills, including two religious freedom bills, SB 1178 and HB 2446, along with a school choice measure, HB 2617.
Coming Back Next Year – These three vetoed measures will be back next session, along with SB 1069, which brought abortion clinics up to par with every other medical facility by allowing for warrantless, unannounced inspections and took measures to prevent taxpayer funding of abortion under the Medicaid expansion. SB 1069 did not receive a vote in either house.
John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
The massive invasion of Americans’ privacy by the federal government isn’t the exclusive turf of the National Security Agency (NSA). Information released in response to a Freedom of Information Act filing indicates that the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) has been conducting warrant-less surveillance of the financial transactions of five million consumers.
CFPB Director Richard Cordray defended what he insisted was “mere data mining of an anonymous nature. There is no intent at this time to single out any individual. We’re only gathering statistics to help us craft the appropriate regulations to control how credit is used in our economy.”
“The accumulation of excessive debt for unnecessary consumption is a growing problem,” Cordray said. “It is the Bureau’s responsibility to devise rules that will act to prevent consumers from taking on such debt. Every dollar we can divert from the frivolous accumulation of unneeded stuff can be conserved for deployment toward more essential uses.”
One of the “more essential uses” cited by Cordray will be “the payment for coverage under the Affordable Care Act. Most consumers are unaware of the additional amount they will have to pay for health care insurance starting in January of 2014. By secretly observing the wasteful and imprudent abuses of credit exhibited by consumers we can better construct regulations to avert this behavior and ensure a more uniform compliance.”
A report published in the Journal of Economic Growth cast doubt on the benefits of government regulations. The report’s authors, John Dawson and John Seater say that over the last 60 years excessive regulation has significantly reduced Americans’ standard of living. They estimate that had regulations stayed at the level they were in 1949, average household income would now be $330,000 per year instead of the $53,000 it is currently.
Cordray was unimpressed by these findings. “If household income were six times as high that would just mean six times as much would be spent on selfish, materialistic impulses,” Cordray argued. “I don’t find it hard to believe that the benefits of the regulations added since 1949 are easily worth more than a quarter of a million dollars a year to each family in America.”
Anti-Jihad Bloggers Barred from Britain
Anti-jihad bloggers Pamela Geller of Atlas Shrugs and Robert Spencer of Jihad Watch will not be allowed to attend a demonstration protesting against the Islamic murderers of Drummer Lee Rigby in Woolwich, England.
Home Secretary Theresa May explained that “excluding persons whose presence is not conducive to the public good is my responsibility. Allowing these people into the country would most likely further enrage those who back Rigby’s killers. We are snuffing this possibility before it can become reality.”
Geller called the ban “a blow against freedom. The nation that gave the world the Magna Carta is dead.” Spencer avowed that “the ban permits Islamic intolerance to triumph over free speech.”
The Secretary asserted “the issue of public safety must take priority over anyone’s professed right to free speech. Besides, we’re not saying that Geller and Spencer can’t speak their minds. They just aren’t going to be permitted to do so on our soil if in our judgment it could spark more Muslim violence.”
IRS Chief Claims Stats Prove It Did Nothing Wrong
IRS chief Daniel Werfel told the House Ways and Means Committee that “the claim the Agency unfairly focused extra scrutiny exclusively on conservative groups is false. Examination of the data show that both conservative and progressive groups were subjected to closer observation.”
The statistics Werfel cited did, indeed, show that both sides of the political spectrum did experience added IRS oversight. In the two-year period ending May 2012 there were 292 conservative groups that had to endure extra IRS hassles impeding their certification as tax-exempt entities. During this same time frame six progressive groups had a similar experience.
The skewing of scrutiny toward conservative groups in such disproportionate numbers did not strike Werfel as out of line. “The behavior of these groups with ‘TEA Party’ and ‘Patriot’ in their names was highly suspicious,” Werfel maintained. “One is saying they are taxed enough already—a sentiment that we deemed arrogant and self-centered. The other implied that anyone not a member might be unpatriotic—a position diametrically opposed to the President’s view on these matters. These were ‘red flags’ calling for more attention.”
President Says No Plan to Force Churches to Perform Same-Sex “Marriages”
While hailing the Supreme Court’s decision overturning the Defense of Marriage Act as “one of the greatest and most eloquent Court decisions for all time,” President Obama tried to reassure those whose religious beliefs condemn the legitimacy of same-sex “marriage” that “there are no current plans to force all churches to perform weddings between persons of the same sex.”
How reassuring these reassurances are, though, is uncertain. The President has ordered military chaplains of all denominations to perform same-sex marriage ceremonies if requested to do so by military personnel. “These chaplains are first and foremost soldiers,” Obama declared. “As their Commander-in-Chief I am within my prerogatives to order them to perform such services as I deem most advantageous to preserving order and discipline among our armed forces. Those unwilling to follow orders must resign their commissions and be replaced by those who will.”
Businesses that provide wedding related services—florists, caterers, musicians, and the like—will be liable for civil damages for refusing to accept same-sex customers. “Freedom of religion is one thing, commerce is another,” Attorney General Eric Holder explained. “Those engaging in commerce are not permitted to discriminate. The privilege of doing business requires that you cater to all who seek your services. We will rigorously prosecute any and all businesses who try to insert their own religious bigotry into the equation.”
Dem Says Criticism of Welfare Inhumane
Representative Gwen Moore (D-Wisc) says she is “tired of people complaining about the cost of welfare benefits. The notion that benefits ought to be temporary or should encourage recipients to find gainful employment is inhumane.”
“Some of us just aren’t suited for employment,” Moore argued. “We may lack marketable skills or the motivation to drag ourselves to a job on a daily basis. Why should we be pressured into something we don’t want to do? That’s slavery.”
Moore made the case for more remunerative welfare as “just compensation to those bearing a disproportionate share of the burden of reproduction. Why shouldn’t the women who are rearing the largest cohort of the next generation be compensated for their sacrifice? What other conceivable job could be more important?”
Pelosi Ridicules Priests for Life
Offended that the inconsistency between her professed Catholic faith and her political support for women’s unrestricted access to abortions at any time for any reason was publicly pointed out by Father Frank Pavone, National Director of Priests for Life, Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) ridiculed his objections.
“He may call himself a ‘Father,’ but can he verify that he has sired even a single child?” Pelosi asked. “As a mother of five I think I have better adhered to the Bible’s admonition to be fruitful and multiply than he has. So, if we’re keeping score it looks like I’m ahead on points.”
Pelosi suggested that Pavone’s characterization of abortion as “tearing a baby apart limb-by-limb” is “hysterical exaggeration. In only a tiny minority of abortions is the fetus well enough formed for this to be an accurate depiction of the procedure. If all abortions could be carried out at the earliest possible date these kinds of gruesome dismemberments could be virtually eliminated.”
Whether the Church should oppose abortion was also challenged by the Congresswoman. “Father Pavone and the Pope may see abortion as wrong, but where’s the evidence that Jesus would’ve condemned it?” Pelosi wondered. “Jesus was a great friend to women and women’s rights. If He were here today I don’t think there’s any question He would’ve come down on the side of her right to choose. Jesus was opposed to letting children suffer. If abortion prevents a child from suffering I believe He would say it’s okay.”
Rock Icon’s Gibe May Net Him Trouble
Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger’s aside to a crowd at a concert in Washington DC’s Verizon Center raised hackles at the US State Department. In a pause between songs, Jagger told the audience he supposed that while President Obama was not among them, he was probably “listening in”
“We would like to remind Mr. Jagger that as a foreigner his presence in the United States is by permission of our office,” said Undersecretary for Visas, Boyd Bland. “This kind of overtly expressed disrespect for the President could very well punch Jagger and his band a one-way ticket back to the UK.”
Bland refused to commit to a definite statement on whether Jagger would be deported, saying only that “such a decision has been bucked up to the Secretary’s office.”
It seems doubtful that Secretary John Kerry will get to this issue any time soon. He is currently deeply involved with efforts to provide weapons to the al Quaeda rebels fighting to topple the Assad regime in Syria.
A Satirical Look at Recent News
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Concerned over evidence that some of the weapons the US has been supplying to enemies of the Syrian government have fallen into the hands of jihadists inimical to US interests, both the House and Senate Intelligence Committee members of both Parties voted to restrict funding.
