President’s Arizona Remarks Put to the ‘Truth meter’

This past Tuesday the president was in our capital city speaking to a crowd of mostly low-information voters and students-in-indoctrination at Desert Vista High School. So we took the opportunity to run his speech, the transcript we found on Whitehouse.gov, through The Arizona Conservative “Truth Meter” and we were stunned by what came out. Read on!

THE PRESIDENT: Hey! Hello, Phoenix!  Hello, Arizona!  I want to say thank you to the Thunder for hosting us here today [THE THUNDER HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER; THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT INVITED TO APPEAR IN THE STATE HE LOVES TO SUE]. Well, we are so glad to be here [I ALWAYS ENJOY COMMUNITY AGITATING OPPORTUNITIES]. I want you to give it up for somebody who’s been fighting for homeowners and working families every single day [MANY OF WHOM I’D LOVE TO PUT OUT OF WORK IF THEY WON’T BUY MY ABORTION INSURANCE], who’s with me today — Secretary Shaun Donovan, Secretary of HUD [WHO IS DOING OBAMA’S BIDDING AND IS PART OF THE PROBLEM, NOT THE SOLUTION]. There he is right there. Give him a big round of applause. We’ve got Congressman Ed Pastor who’s here as well. [WHO VOTED FOR THE LARGEST TAX INCREASE IN U.S. HISTORY—OBAMACARE] We’ve got your Mayor, Greg Stanton, here. [GIVING LOADS OF YOUR MONEY TO UNIONS AND SUPPORTING THE RADICAL HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA] Doing an outstanding job. And to all the mayors and state legislators and tribal leaders [GOTTA GET IN A CAMPAIGN PLUG TO KEEP THEM VOTING DEMOCRAT] who are here today, thank you.

Give Jorge a big round of applause for his introduction.  To your superintendent, Dr. Kenneth Baca.  Your principal, Dr. Anna Battle.  And I appreciate everybody at Desert Vista for having me here today [AND TAKING TIME OUT FROM TODAY’S SOCIALIST INDOCTRINATION CLASSES].  It is good to see the students are pretty enthusiastic about being back in school. I’m not sure I would have been that enthusiastic starting on the 6th. [THIS IS A NO-BRAINER. I’VE WRITTEN IN MY BOOK THAT I “ATTENDED CLASSES SPARINGLY, DRANK BEER HEAVILY, AND TRIED DRUGS ENTHUSIASTICALLY” WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL. YES, I’M A REAL “ROLE MODEL” FOR YOU STUDENTS HERE TODAY.]

And I know this isn’t your typical school — second day of school. So I want to give a special shout-out to the new seniors, class of 2014.  You are aware that you’re not finished yet. Senior year, that’s sometimes tempting. I want you all to stay focused.

So over the last few weeks, I’ve been visiting [STRONG-ARMING] towns all across the country, talking about what we need to do to secure a better bargain [TAKING AWAY YOUR FREEDOM, SPYING ON YOU, THE USUAL STUFF] for the middle class — a national strategy to make sure that everybody who works hard has a chance to succeed in the 21st century economy. [BUT DON’T ANYBODY STRAIN YOURSELF; I’M MORE THAN HAPPY TO MAKE YOU PART OF MY GROWING FOOD STAMP TEAM.]

And I think people in Arizona especially understand the challenges that are out there, because for the past four and a half years, together, we fought our way back from a devastating recession that cost millions of jobs for Americans. [AN ECONOMIC SLUMP THAT CONTINUES, AND THE REAL JOBLESS RATE IS 14 PERCENT, BUT YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW THAT.] A lot of folks lost their homes [THANKS TO ME AND MY FELLOW DEMOCRATS WHO DESTROYED THE REAL ESTATE MARKET BY USING GOVERNMENT TO FORCE PRIVATE COMPANIES TO MAKE REALLY BAD LOANS, THOUGH I DID COLLECT A HANDSOME SUM OF $146,000 FROM FANNIE … OR FREDDY, WHATEVER ONE, FOR ESSENTIALLY DOING NOTHING. BUT HEY, SEVERAL DEMOCRATS DID IT.] ; a lot of folks lost their savings. [TOO BAD. BUT AT LEAST THE GOVERNMENT HAS MORE OF YOUR MONEY NOW.]  And what the recession showed was the long erosion of middle-class security that had been taking place for decades. [THANKS TO MY SOCIALIST POLICIES.]

But we fought back. [WE DID? HMM … WELL THAT’S WHAT MY SPEECH WRITER WROTE.] We took on a broken health care system. [AND WE’RE TURNING IT INTO A TRAINWRECK, DAY BY DAY. SOME OF YOU PART-TIME FOLKS GOT LAID OFF SO COMPANIES CAN AVOID MY DRACONIAN PENALTIES.  AND OTHERS OF YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED ME WHEN I SAID YOU COULD KEEP YOUR OWN DOCTOR AND INSURANCE AND THAT YOUR COSTS WOULD GO DOWN. UH … WE’RE STILL WORKING ON THAT.] We took on a housing market that was in free fall. [THOUGH I HAVE TO ADMIT IT WAS US DEMOCRATS WHO GAVE IT A BIG PUSH.] We invested in new technologies to reverse our addiction to foreign oil. [LIKE MY FRIENDS AT SOLYNDRA; THEY ARE ENJOYING EARLY RETIREMENT THANKS TO YOU SUCKERS, ER, UH, I MEAN, TAX CONTRIBUTORS.] We changed a tax code that had become tilted a little bit too much in favor of the wealthiest Americans at the expense of working families. [FOOTNOTE KARL MARX. EVEN THOUGH THE WEALTHIEST PAY 90 PERCENT OF THE TAXES, I GOTTA HAVE MORE, MAN.]  We saved the auto industry. [AND NOW THE GOVERNMENT CAN’T SELL ALL THOSE CHEVY VOLTS WE MADE. BUT AT LEAST THE UNION IS RUNNING THE SHOW AT GOVERNMENT MOTORS NOW, AND CONVERTING FUNDS INTO MY RE-ELECTION]. We’ve now got GM that plans to hire a thousand [BZT! BZT! BZT!] new workers right next door in Chandler to make sure we’re building some of the best cars in the world right here in the United States of America.  [AMERICANS AREN’T BUILDING THOSE CARS! THEY DIDN’T MAKE THAT! ME AND THE GOVERNMENT DID THAT!]

Our businesses have created 7.3 million new jobs over the past 41 months.[BUT MANY MORE WERE LOST, AND THE NEW JOBS ARE PART TIME WITHOUT BENEFITS. ANYBODY HERE WANT TO WORK IN THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA FOR $7 AN HOUR? JUST 3 DAYS A WEEK THOUGH.]  We now sell more products made in America to the rest of the world than ever before. [BUT IF WE FORCE BUSINESSES TO CLOSE DOWN FOR NOT BUYING MY ABORTION INSURANCE, THAT’LL COME TO A HALT QUICK.] Our exports are way up. [ESPECIALLY WEAPON SALES TO EGYPT AND SYRIA.] We produce more renewable energy than ever before, more natural gas than anybody else. [THOUGH I ADMIT IT WOULD BE MORE IF I STOPPED BLOCKING KEYSTONE.’ Health care costs have been growing at the slowest [FASTEST] rate in 50 [250.] years. And our deficits are coming down [GOING UP] at the fastest rate in 60 years. [I’M THE MUHAMMED ALI OF GROWING DEBT; I’M THE GREATEST! I’M THE GREATEST!] So we’re making progress. [JUST LIKE PROGRESSIVES ARE MOVING THE COUNTRY BACKWARD.]

So thanks to the efforts of a lot of people like you, we’ve cleared away the rubble of the financial crisis. [I DIDN’T DO A DARN THING ABOUT IT, BUT THESE FOOLS WILL BELIEVE WHATEVER I SAY. THEY’RE EATIN’ UP THIS STUFF.] We’re starting to lay the foundation for more stable, more durable economic growth. [FOR EGYPT.]  But as any middle-class family will tell you, we’re not yet where we need to be. [… NOT UNTIL WE GET THIS GUY OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE. AND NOT UNTIL WE, TOO, CAN TAKE DOZENS OF MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR VACATIONS EVERY YEAR.] Because even before the crisis hit, we had lived through a decade where a few at the top were doing better and better, but most families were working harder and harder just to get by.

And reversing this trend should be — must be — Washington’s highest priority. It’s my highest priority.  [RIGHT AFTER BASKETBALL, GOLF, VACATIONS, AND BEER SUMMITS.] I want to make sure that in America, it doesn’t matter what you look like, where you come from, [UNLESS YOU’RE A CAUCASIAN LATIN MAN DEFENDING YOUR LIFE] who you love [IN BATH HOUSES AND BEHIND PARK BUSHES] — you should be able to make it when you try. You should be able to make it.  [DESPITE THE OBSTACLES MY GI-NORMOUS GOVERNMENT IS PLACING IN YOUR WAY.]

Now, unfortunately, for the last year or so, we’ve had an endless parade of distractions and political posturing and phony scandals [THE PHONY FAST AND FURIOUS SCANDAL, THE PHONY IRS SCANDAL I DIRECTED FROM THE OVAL OFFICE, THE PHONY BENGHAZI SCANDAL THAT GOT 4 AMERICANS KILLED, THE PHONY NSA SCANDAL, THE PHONY STIMULUS FRAUD GIVING MONEY TO ARIZONA’S SO-CALLED CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT 15 AND OTHER PHONY CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICTS AROUND THE NATION, THE  PHONY SPYING ON AMERICANS SCANDAL, THE PHONY SOLYNDRA SCANDAL, AND A FEW OTHERS THAT I DON’T NEED TO GET INTO RIGHT NOW] that shift focus away [THANKS TO MY TRUSTED LEFT-STREAM MEDIA LAPDOGS]; SHOUT OUT TO MY PAL GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS AT ABC] from what do we need to do to shore up middle-class families and create ladders of opportunity for folks to get into the middle class. [BOLSTER SOCIALIST PROGRAMS AND ASSURE SOCIAL ENGINEERING PROGRAMS IN EACH AND EVERY NEIGHBORHOOD IN AMERICA] And as Washington heads towards another budget debate, the stakes could not be higher. [WE MUST RAISE THE DEBT CEILING AND THE DEBT TO $100 TRILLION.]

And that’s why I’m traveling around, laying out my ideas for how we have to build the cornerstones of what it means to be middle class: [LOWER CLASS IS THE NEW MIDDLE CLASS] a good job with good wages [FOR 20 HOURS A WEEK, 3 MONTHS A YEAR JOBS]; a home to call your own [WHICH OUR PRYING, SPYING EYES ARE PEERING INTO EVERMORE]; a good education [SOCIALIST INDOCTRINATION]; [UN]affordable health care that’s there for you when you get sick [AS LONG AS YOU DON’T MIND WAITING AN EXTRA 4 MONTHS FOR, OR AN OCCASIONAL DENIAL; OR POSSIBLY A BETTER PRESCRIPTION – HOSPICE]; a secure retirement even if you’re not rich [LIKE ME]; the opportunity — the ladders of opportunity for people to earn their way into the middle class, to work their way out of poverty [THOUGH I HAVE MORE CONTROL OVER THEM IF THEY ARE LIVING ON FOOD STAMPS]. Those are the elements that I think all of us believe in, but right now we’re [I’M] not delivering as much as we should on those promises.

Now, last Tuesday, I went to Tennessee to talk about the first cornerstone, which is how do we make sure that we’re creating good middle-class jobs here in the United States of America. [LIKE BILL CLINTON DID: SANDWICH-MAKING AND THE LIKE] Today I’ve come to Phoenix to talk about the second component, which is the most tangible cornerstone that lies at the heart of the American Dream, at the heart of middle-class life — and that’s the chance to own your own home.  The chance to own your own home. [WHICH THANKS TO ME, MORE AMERICANS ARE RENTING THAN EVER BEFORE].

We’ve got a lot of young people here who are thinking about college, they’re going to get a higher education, they’re going to find a job, [UNLIKE SO MANY RECENT GRADUATES WHO CAN’T FIND A JOB IN MY ECONOMY AND ARE STILL STUCK WITH THE HIGH COST OF REPAYING COLLEGE LOANS.] they’re going to find somebody they love, they’re going to want to own a home. [AT LEAST BY THE TIME THEY’RE 40 AND PAID OFF SOME OF THOSE LOANS.] And the reason they will is because a home is the ultimate evidence that here in America, hard work pays off, that responsibility is rewarded. [THOUGH SUCCESS AND ACHIEVEMENT ARE FROWNED UPON BY MY FELLOW PROGRESSIVE TRAVELERS. IT’S NOT FAIR THAT SOMEBODY’S SUCCESSFUL, SOMEBODY ELSE ISN’T, SO NO ONE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BE SUCCESSFUL. NOBODY ACTUALLY WORKS HARD, THEY JUST TOOK ADVANTAGE OF POOR FOLKS.]

I think about my grandparents’ generation. When my [COMMUNIST-LOVING] grandfather served in World War II, he fought in Patton’s Army — when he got back, this country gave him a chance to go to college on the G.I. Bill, but it also gave him the chance to buy his first home with a loan from the FHA. To him, and to generations of Americans before and since, a home was more than just a house. It was a source of pride and a source of security. It was a place to raise [COMMUNIST] kids, to put down roots [FIRST IN WASHINGTON, THEN IN HAWAII]; a place where you could build up savings for college, or to start a business, or to retire with some security. [AND HANG OUT WITH GOOD COMMIE FRIENDS LIKE FRANK.]

And buying a home required responsibility on everybody’s part. [EXCEPT FOR THOSE FOLKS WHO WON’T HAVE TO PAY MORTGAGE OR BUY THEIR OWN CELL PHONES.] You had to save up to buy a home. [BACK IN THE DAY.] And then [EVIL CAPITALIST] banks were supposed to give you a fair deal, with terms you could understand, [BUT NO ONE SHOULD BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE ANYMORE] and buyers were supposed to live within their means and make sure that they could make their payments. [THANKS TO ME, YOUR LENDER CAN’T HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE, YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE ALL YOUR PAYMENTS … AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY YOUR CREDIT CARD DEBT ANYMORE!] So in that earlier generation, houses weren’t for flipping around, they weren’t for speculation — houses were to live in, and to build a life with. [GOVERNMENT DIDN’T INTRUDE INTO YOUR LIVES THEN LIKE MINE DOES NOW.]

And unfortunately, over time, responsibility too often gave way to recklessness. [OR ENABLING BY BIG GOVERNMENT.] You had reckless lenders [UNDER THE COERCION OF BIG GOVERNMENT DEMOCRATS, LIKE MY GOOD FRIENDS BARNEY FRANK AND FRANKLIN RAINES] who sold loans to people they knew couldn’t afford them. [SO THEY WOULDN’T COME UNDER THE STRONG HAND OF THE FEDS FORCING THEM TO MAKE THESE BAD LOANS] And let’s face it, we also had some reckless buyers who knew they couldn’t afford them and still took out loans. [BUT THEY WERE VICTIMS OF THE FORCES OF SOCIETY AND NOT REALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES] And all this created a housing bubble. [MY FRIENDS AND I LOVE TO BLOW BUBBLES!] And especially in some places like Arizona, it was devastating when that bubble finally burst — triggered a recession [RAHM AND I SAY YOU SHOULD NEVER LET A GET CRISIS GO TO WASTE, AND YOU SHOULD ALWAYS COME UP WITH THE WORST POSSIBLE SOLUTION FOR IT.]. Millions of Americans who had done everything right were hurt badly by the actions of other [DEMOCRAT] people. Housing prices plummeted. [BUT SOME OF US WALKED OFF WITH GOLDEN PARACHUTES FROM FANNIE AND FREDDIE!]

By the time I took office, home values had fallen almost 20 percent from the year before. [WHEN I WAS SABOTAGING THE HOUSING MARKET AS A U.S. SENATOR.] New housing starts had fallen nearly 80 percent from their peak. Hundreds of thousands of construction workers had lost their jobs. A record number of people were behind on their mortgage payments. And a lot of people here in Phoenix, they saw that devastation. This was part of Ground Zero for the housing bubble bursting. [AND THAT’S WHY ARIZONA IS A REDSTATE THAT NEVER GAVE ME A SINGLE ELECTORAL VOTE! BUT I MADE THEM PAY BY SUING THEM FREQUENTLY.]

So less than a month after I took office, I came here to Arizona and I laid out steps to stabilize the housing market and help responsible homeowners get back on their feet. [MOST PEOPLE SAW THROUGH IT AND REALIZED IT WOULDN’T AND COULDN’T HELP THEM.] And the truth is it’s been a long, slow process. The housing market is so big that it was going to take some time to heal when it got hurt that badly. [JUST AS WE PLANNED IT; MORE PEOPLE ON WELFARE AND FOOD STAMPS, MORE PEOPLE UNDER GOVERNMENT CONTROL.] It’s taken longer than any of us would like. [I’M SO GREAT AT NON-SHOVEL READY PROJECTS.] But during that time, we helped millions of Americans save an average of $3,000 each year by refinancing at lower rates. We helped millions of responsible homeowners stay in their homes, [I LOVE THROWING AROUND THAT WORD “MILLIONS” WHETHER IT’S TRUE OR NOT!]which was good for their neighbors because you don’t want a bunch of foreclosure signs in your neighborhood. [NOR DID YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME AND PROGRESSIVE BUDDIES SABOTAGING THE HOUSING MARKET AND LOWERING THE VALUE OF YOUR HOME.]

Where Congress wouldn’t act, [THANKS TO US DEMOCRATS STONEWALLING REPUBLICANS WHO WARNED ABOUT THE BUBBLE BURSTING SO WE COULD MANAGE THE IMPENDING CRISIS] we went ahead and acted, [AFTER SO MANY AMERICANS SUFFERED AND IT’S TAKING THEM YEARS TO REJUVENATE THEIR CREDIT RATING] so over the past few years, we had the Department of Justice stand up for buyers who had been discriminated against or conned by predatory lending. [OR GREED ON WALL STREET, AS I NORMALLY BLAME IT ON, EITHER THEY WE CAUSED THE DAMAGE OURSELVES] And we won a settlement that gave more money to victims of discrimination in one year than in the previous 23 years combined. [IT’S GREAT TO APPOINT JUDGES WHO ARE ON MY SIDE.]

We worked with states to force big banks to repay more than $50 billion to more than 1.5 million families — largest lending settlement in history. [I HATE THOSE BIG CAPITALIST BANKS, BUT I ENJOY APPOINTING WALL STREET BANKERS TO MY CABINET.] We extended the time that folks who had lost their jobs could delay their payment on their mortgages while they kept looking for work. [WE TOLD THOSE CAPITALIST COMPANIES THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR PROFITS, EVEN IF IT CAUSED MANY OF THEM TO CLOSE THEIR DOORS.] We cracked down [ARE CONTINUING] on the bad practices that led to the crisis in the first place [TO KEEP THISE COOL CRISIS ROLLING, SO I CAN KEEP MILKING A GOOD CRISIS FOR ALL IT’S WORTH. I’M GONNA MAKE EVERY LENDER MAKE MORE BAD LOANS AND COMPLETELY DESTROY THE MIDDLE CLASS]. I mean, you had some loans back there in the bubble that were called “liar’s loan.” Now, something that’s called a liar’s loan is probably a bad idea.  [AND BELIEVE ME, I KNOW A BAD IDEA WHEN I INVENT ONE!]

So because of all these [TRULY BAAAAAAD] actions we’ve been taking, our housing market is beginning to heal. Home prices are rising at the fastest pace in seven years. Sales are up nearly 50 percent. [WELL ACTUALLY MORE AMERICANS ARE RENTING THAN EVER BEFORE BECAUSE THEY CAN’T GET A LOAN OR REVIVE THEIR CREDIT RATING.] Construction is up nearly 75 percent. [FACT CHECK? WHO CARES ABOUT THE TRUTH.] New foreclosures are down by nearly two-thirds. [WE EVENTUALLY RUN OUT OF SPENDING OTHER PEOPLE’S MONEY AND WE RUN OUT OF HOMES TO FORECLOSE ON.] Millions of [HOME-RENING] families have been able to come up for air [KNOWING THAT AT THEIR AGE THEY WILL NEVER LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO PAY OFF A MORTGAGE WHEN THEY CAN QUALIFY FOR A HOME LOAN AGAIN] — they’re no longer underwater on their mortgages. [BUT THEY ARE KEEPING UP ON THEIR RENT.]

And just like the crisis hit Phoenix very hard, thanks to some great leadership [PURCHASES BY PROSPECTIVE LENDERS AND HOME FLIPPERS] here locally, Phoenix has also led one of the biggest comebacks in the country.  [THANKS TO THE STIMULUS MONEY I SENT TO ARIZONA’S CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT 15, WHICH DOESN’T EVEN REALLY EXIST!] So you should be proud of what you’ve done here. Home prices in Phoenix have risen by nearly 20 percent over the last year. New home sales are up by more than 25 percent. [THOUGH ONLY A FRACTION OF THOSE SALES ARE TO FAMILIES.]

This morning, right before I came here, I visited Erickson Construction —  We’ve got some Erickson folks here. And they were explaining how right when the bubble hit, Erickson shrank to less than a hundred workers. Today they’re employing 580 people — and they’re hiring even more people — (applause) — because the housing market is bouncing back. [DESPITE MY OVERLY BURDENSOME BIG GOVERNMENT POLICIES WHICH HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.]

So that’s one of the things about housing. It’s not just important for the person who owns the house; our economy is so impacted by everything that happens in housing. [AND BY EXCESSIVELY BIG GOVERNMENT AND BAD FEDERAL FISCAL POLICY.] Consumers feel better when their home values are in a better place, so they’re more willing to spend. A lot of people who want to start a business, their savings may be locked up in their house. Construction workers, contractors, suppliers, carpet makers, all these folks are impacted by the housing industry. [AND IF YOU DRIVE THROUGH THE PHOENIX AREA, YOU’LL SEE MANY EMPTY BUSINESS PLACES THAT CLOSED DURING THE DEMOCRAT-MANUFACTURED ECONOMIC DISASTER.]

So we’ve made progress, [IF YOU CONSIDER MINISCULE ECONOMIC GROWTH PROGRESS] and that’s helped to move the economy forward. [BACKWARD IS THE NEW FORWARD.] But we’ve got to build on this [MYTHICAL] progress. We’re not where we need to be yet. [AGAIN, IT’S ANOTHER NOT SHOVEL-READY THING.] We’ve got to give more hardworking Americans the chance to buy their first home. [WHILE MORE OF THEM ARE ON FOOD STAMPS. AND WHILE MANY OF THEM HAVE JUST PLAIN GIVEN UP ON FINDING A NEW JOB.] We have to help more responsible homeowners refinance their mortgages [READ PRESSURE LENDERS TO GIVE UP ALL HOPES OF PROFITING], because a lot of them still have a spread between the rates they’re paying right now on their mortgage and what they could be getting if they were able to refinance. [NOTHING LIKE THE SELF-ACTUALIZATION HOME-OWNERS FEEL FROM GOVERNMENT-FORCED FINANCING, EXTING THE LENGTH OF THEIR MORTGAGES.]

And we’ve got to turn the page on this kind of bubble-and-bust mentality that helped to create this mess in the first place [WE’VE GOT TO STOP GIVING POWER TO DEMOCRATS].  We got to build a housing system that is durable and fair and rewards responsibility for generations to come.  [WE’VE GOT TO KEEP DEMOCRATS’ HANDS OFF THE FREE MARKET.] That’s what we’ve got to do. [AT OUR OWN PERIL.]

So I’ve already put forward a bunch of [BAAAAD] ideas that will [NEVER] help accomplish that. And, look, the fact of the matter is Congress hasn’t enacted all of them, [TELLS YOU THEY MUST NOT BE SUCH HOT IDEAS IF THE REPUBLICANS ARE PROTECTING YOU FROM THEM] so I’d like you to encourage members of Congress to take some of these actions.

But like the other actions that we’ve taken, these will not help the neighbors down the street who bought a house that they couldn’t afford, and then walked away from it and left a foreclosed home behind. We don’t want to help speculators who bought multiple homes just to make a quick buck. [EVEN THOUGH WE CREATED A BONANZA FOR SPECULATORS, FORCING MORE AMERICANS TO RENT.]

What we want to do is put forward ideas that will help millions of responsible, middle-class homeowners who still need relief. [THOSE WOULD BE THE REPUBLICANS’ IDEAS.] And we want to help hardworking Americans who dream of owning their own home fair and square, have a down payment, are willing to make those payments, understand that owning a home requires responsibility. [OR AN OPPORTUNITY FOR BIG GOVERNMENT TO INTERFERE WITH THE MARKET AND MAKE MATTERS WORSE.] And there are some immediate actions we could take right now that would help on that front, that would make a difference. So let me just list a couple of them. [LISTEN TO ME, EVEN THOUGH MY TRACK RECORD IS HORRIBLE.]

Number one: Congress should pass a good, bipartisan [DEMOCRAT] idea to allow every homeowner the chance to save thousands of dollars a year by refinancing their mortgage at today’s rates. [BUT HONEST LENDERS WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO EARN A FAIR PROFIT FROM.] We need to get that done. We’ve been talking about it for a year and a half, two years, three years. There’s no reason not to do it.  [UNLESS THERE IS A CRISIS WE CAN PUT TO GOOD USE.]

Step number two: Now that we’ve made it harder for reckless buyers to buy homes that they can’t afford, [BY ONCE AGAIN PRESSURING LENDERS TO MAKE HIGH-RISK LOANS] let’s make it a little bit easier for qualified buyers [WE’LL LOWER THE REQUIREMENTS FOR DEFINING “QUALIFIED BUYERS”] to buy the homes that they can [OR CAN’T] afford.  So Shaun Donovan has been working with the finance industry to make sure we’re simplifying overlapping regulations; we’re cutting red tape for responsible families who want to get a mortgage but keep getting rejected by the banks [WHO DON’T WANT TO REPEAT THE MISTAKES THE GOVERNMENT PRESSURED THEM TO MAKE IN THE PAST. We need to give well-qualified Americans who lost their jobs during the crisis a fair chance to get a loan if they’ve worked hard to repair their credit. [HOW THEY’LL GET LOANS IF THEY’VE GIVEN UP ON A JOB IS BEYOND ME.]

And step three is something that you don’t always hear about when it comes to the housing market, and that is fixing our broken immigration system. It would actually help our housing market. [BY OPENING UP THE BORDERS AND PUTTING MORE FOREIGNERS ON WELFARE AND A FAST TRACK TO SWELLING THE DEMOCRATS’ VOTER ROLLS.]

It’s pretty simple: When more people buy homes and play by the rules, home values go up for everybody.  [AND BY BRINGING IN MORE JOBLESS PEOPLE OUR HOME VALUES WILL MAGICALLY INCREASE SOMEHOW, MAYBE BY WISHFUL THINKING. And according to one recent study [WHICH HAS BEEN EXPOSED AS FLAWED], the average homeowner has already seen the value of their home boosted by thousands of dollars just because of immigration [EVEN THOUGH THESE FOLKS ARE LIVING IN THE SHADOWS AND NOT PAYING TAXES.]. And the good news is, with the help of your [RINO] Senators, John McCain and Jeff Flake, the Senate has already passed a bipartisan immigration bill. It’s got the support of CEOs and labor and law enforcement [WHO BENEFIT GREATLY BY DUMPING MIDDLE-CLASS AMERICANS AND HIRING DIRT-CHEAP LABOR.]  This could help homeownership here. [NOT.]

So I want you to encourage Republicans in the House of Representatives to stop dragging their feet [TO STOP PROTECTING YOU]. Let’s go ahead and get this done. [TO HELP ME KEEP A GOOD CRISIS GOING.]

Step number four: We should address the uneven recovery by rebuilding the communities hit the hardest by the housing crisis, including many right here in Arizona. Let’s put construction back — construction workers back to work repairing rundown homes [LIKE THOSE IN THE CITY OF DETROIT THAT I SAVED], tearing down vacant properties so that the value of homes in those surrounding [BLIGHTED] areas start picking up. We can put [GOVERNMENT-EMPLOYED people [WHO WILL NEED INCREASED TAXES FOR US TO PAY] to work right now and improve the remaining housing stock that’s out there.  Places that are facing a longer road back from the crisis should have their country’s help to get back on their feet.

Step five: We should make sure families that don’t want to buy a home or can’t yet afford to buy one still have a decent place to rent.  [WHY THEY WOULDN’T WANT TO BUY – GIVEN MY INCREDIBLE RECOVERY PROGRAM – IS BEYOND ME.] It’s important for us to encourage homeownership, but a lot of people rent and there’s nothing wrong with renting. [WHILE THE GOVERNMENT INTERFERENCE WITH THE HOUSING MARKET CAUSES YOUR DREAM OF HOME OWNERSHIP TO FLOAT AWAY DOWN THE STREAM.] And we got to make sure that we are creating affordable opportunities when it comes to rental properties. [I CAN’T WAIT TO GET WASHINGTON INVOLVED IN HOME RENTALS, TOO! NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR PROPERTY OWNERS TO MAKE A PROFIT ON HOME RENTALS.]

In the run-up to the crisis, banks and governments too often made everybody feel like they had to own a home, [AT LAST! A SHRED OF TRUTH ABOUT GOVERNMENT COMPLICITY IN THE HOUSING DISASTER!] even if they weren’t ready and didn’t have the payments. That’s a mistake we should not repeat. [SO WHY I AM PUSHING FOR IT ALL OVER AGAIN?] Instead, let’s invest in affordable rental housing. [YES! LET’S CAUSE A RENTAL BUBBLE BURST AND FINALLY GET CONTROL OVER EVERYONE!] Let’s bring together cities and states to address local barriers that drive up rents for working families. [EVERYONE EVERYWHERE WILL HAVE THE SAME RENT RATES SET BY WASHINGTON! IT’S THE NEW AMERICAN DREAM!]

So if we help more Americans refinance their homes, if we help qualified families get a mortgage, we reform our immigration system, we rebuild the hardest-hit communities, we make sure that folks have a decent place to rent if they’re not yet able to buy — all these steps will give more middle-class families the chance to either buy their own home now or eventually buy their own home. [ I HOPE THEY DON’T REALIZE I’M TALKING OUT OF ALL 6 SIDES OF MY MOUTH HERE. I LOVE TALKING IN CIRCLES TO CONFUSE THE HECK OUT OF PEOPLE!]  It’s going to give more relief to responsible homeowners. It gives more options to families who aren’t yet ready to buy. All that is going to improve the housing market and will improve the economy. [HOW? I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT IT SURE SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.]

But — and this is the last key point I want to make — as home prices rise, we can’t just re-inflate another housing bubble. [OH YES I CAN! JUST WATCH ME!] I hope everybody here in Arizona learned some hard lessons from what happened. Housing prices generally don’t just keep on going up forever at the kind of pace it was going up. It was crazy. [SO I AM PRAYING TO ALLAH FOR ANOTHER DOOZIE OF A HOUSING BURST!] So what we want to do is something stable and steady. [LIKE BIG GOVERNMENT INTERFERENCE WITH THE MARKET ONCE AGAIN.] And that’s why I want to lay a rock-solid [SINKING SAND] foundation to make sure the kind of crisis we went through never happens again [UNTIL LATER TODAY]. We’ve got to make sure it doesn’t happen again. [ALWAYS BELIEVE JUST THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I SAY.]

And one of the key things to make sure it doesn’t happen again is to wind down these companies that are not really government, but not really private sector — they’re known as Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. For too long, these companies were allowed to make huge profits buying mortgages, knowing that if their bets went bad, taxpayers would be left holding the bag. It was “heads we win, tails you lose.” [FORTUNATELY, HEADS CAME UP FOR ME, BARNEY, FRANKLIN AND OTHERS AND WE CLEANED UP WITH HUGE  WINDFALLS FOR DOING ESSENTIALLY NOTHING BUT HOLDING OUT OUR GREEDY HANDS.] And it was wrong. [FOR OTHERS, BUT NOT FOR ME.] And along with what happened on Wall Street, [GOOD OLE   WALL STREET, MY FAVORITE WHIPPING BOY … UNTIL I HAVE OPENINGS IN MY CABINET] it helped to inflate this bubble in a way that ultimately killed Main Street. [I’VE STATED THIS SO OFTEN I AM STARTING TO BELIEVE IT.]

So the good news is, right now there’s a bipartisan group of senators working to end Fannie and Freddie as we know them. And I support these kinds of [NON]reform efforts. And they’re following four core principles for what I believe this reform should look like.  [THEN WE’LL DETROY THE RECORDS THEY KEPT ON GIVING ME AND MY FRIENDS HUGE SUMS OF MONEY.]

First, private capital should take a bigger role in the mortgage market. [EVEN THOUGH AMERICANS HAVE LESS DISPENSALE INCOME.] I know that sounds confusing to folks who call me a socialist — I think I saw some posters there on the way in. [I PUT IN A CALL TO THE IRS TO HAVE THEM INVESTIGATED WHILE I WAS WAITING TO BE INTRODUCED.] But I actually believe in the free market [WHEN IT SUITS ME, AS IT DID WITH MY FANNIE/FREDDIE WINDFALL AND GETTING MY HANDS ON GM MONEY]. And just like the health care law that we put in place, Obamacare — which, by the way, if you don’t have health insurance or you’re buying it at exorbitant [LOWER] rates on the individual market, starting on October 1st, you can join a marketplace and be part of a pool that gives you much lower [HIGHER] premiums, saves [COSTS] you a lot of [MORE] money.

But in the same way that what we did with health care was to set up clear rules for insurance companies to protect [HARM] consumers [ESPECIALLY SENIORS WHO CAN TAKE PAIN PILLS INSTEAD OF RUNNING UP HIGH GOVERNMENT INSURANCE COSTS], make it more [LESS] affordable, but still built on the private marketplace, [GOVERNMENT IS THE NEW PRIVATE.]  I believe that our housing system should operate where there’s a limited government role and private lending should be the backbone of the housing market. And that includes, by the way, community-based lenders [THE WASHINGTON COMMUNITY] who view their borrowers not as a number, but as a neighbor. So that’s one principle. [BUT I DON’T ACTUALLY ACT ON ANY PRINCIPLES THAT DON’T BENEFIT ME PERSONALLY.]

A second principle is we can’t leave taxpayers on the hook for irresponsibility or bad decisions by some of these lenders or [MY DEAR FRIENDS AT] Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac.  We’ve got to encourage the pursuit of [GOVERNMENT] profit, but the era of expecting a bailout after you pursue your profit and you don’t manage your risk well — well, that puts the whole country at risk. And we’re ending those days. We’re not going to do that anymore. [BELIEVE IT WHEN YOU SEE IT.]

The third principle is we should preserve access to safe and simple mortgage products like the 30-year, fixed-rate mortgage. That’s something families should be able to rely on when they’re making the most important purchase of their lives. [IF I CAN GET MORE GOVERNMENT CONTROL OVER THE HOUSING MARKET AND HAVE YOU ON THE HOOK FOR 30 YEARS OF MORTGAGE INTEREST, RATHER THAN 15, THE BETTER.]

Number four, we’ve got to keep housing affordable for first-time homebuyers — like all these young people. [WHICH TIES INTO GOVERNMENT-FORCED HIGH-RISK/LOW-RETURN LOANS.] When they’re ready to buy a house, we’ve [WASHINGTON IS ALWAYS THE ANWER] got to make sure it’s affordable. Families who are working to climb their way into the middle class, we’ve got to do what we can to make housing affordable. [MAKING THE CASE FOR MORE GOVERNMENT-PRESSURED BAD LOANS.] And that means we’ve got to strengthen the FHA [WITH MORE OF YOUR TAX MONEY] so it gives today’s families the same kind of chance it gave my grandparents to buy a home, and it preserves those rungs on the ladder of opportunity.

And we’ve got to support, as I said, affordable rental housing. [THIS TIME, I HOPE THEY ARE STILL LISTENING AND ACTUALLY BELIEVE ME.] And, by the way, we’ve also got to keep up our fight against homelessness.  [YES, TAXPAYER-FUNDED, THREE-BEDROOM HOMES FOR THE HOMELESS, ALONG WITH FOOD STAMPS, LOW MORTGAGES, AND FREE CELLPHONES.’]The Mayor of Phoenix has been doing a great job here in Phoenix on that front. [THEN WHY ARE THERE STILL HOMELESS PEOPLE IN PHOENIX?] We’ve got to continue to improve it.  [OR START HELPING THEM, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.]

Since I took office, we helped bring one in four homeless veterans off the streets. [FACT CHECKERS, ARISE!] We should be proud of that. Here in Phoenix, thanks to the hard work of everyone from Mayor Stanton to the local United Way to US Airways, you’re on track to end chronic homelessness for veterans, period, by 2014. [SOCIALIST UTOPIA IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER!]

But we’ve got to keep going, because nobody in America, and certainly no veteran, should be left to live on the streets. [AND THAT’S WHY I LOWERED BENEFITS FOR MILITARY FOLKS.]

So here’s the bottom line: Put all these [CONVOLUTED SOCIALIST MUMBO JUMBO] principles together, that’s going to protect [CONTINUE TO ERODE] our entire economy and it will improve the housing market not just here in Phoenix, but throughout the state and throughout the country. [JUST AS SOON AS A PRESIDENT WITH KNOWLEDGE OF ECONOMIC PRINCIPLES ARRIVES AT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE AND INSTITUTES REAL MEANINGFUL POLICIES.]

We’re also going to need to make sure, though, that we’re protecting individual homeowners. [EVEN THOUGH I SAID WE’VE ALREADY DONE THAT.] We’ve got to give them the [GOVERNMENT] tools that [DO IT ALL FOR THEM] they can protect themselves. So we’ve got a Consumer Finance Protection Bureau that we created.  [WITH MORE OPPORTUNITY FOR GOVERNMENT WASTE AND FRAUD.] And it’s laying down new [MORE GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRACY] rules of the road [TO INTERFERE MORE IN THE LIVES OF AMERICANS] that everybody can count on when they’re shopping for a mortgage. They’re designing a new, simple mortgage form that will be in plain English, so you can actually read it without a lawyer — although, you may still want a lawyer obviously [TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE GOVERNMENT]. I’m not saying you don’t. I’m just saying you’ll be able to read it. [EVEN THOUGH MY FOLKS IN CONGRESS DON’T ALWAYS READ IMPORTANT LANGUAGE, LIKE GOVERNMENT HEALTHCARE LAW. IN FACT, DON’T READ IT. JUST SIGN AT THE BOTTOM SO YOU CAN THEN FIND OUT WHAT IS IN IT.] There won’t be a lot of fine print. [AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT, I’LL SELL YOU THE BROOKLYNBRIDGE.] That way you know before you owe. [DON’T BET THE FAMILY FARM ON THIS!]

And the Senate finally confirmed Richard Cordray as the head of this — head watchdog [ANOTHER EASYGUY FOR ME TO CONTROL TO DO WHAT I WANT HIM TO] for the CFPB [I HOPE THEY ALL FORGET WHAT THIS ACRONYM STANDS FOR].  So he’s out there aggressively protecting consumers and homeowners. [BUYERS, RUN FOR IT WHEN HE SAYS: “I’M HERE FROM THE GOVERNMENT, AND I’M HERE TO HELP.”]

When it comes to some of the other leaders we need to look out for the American people, the Senate still has a job to do. Months ago, I nominated a man named Mel Watt to be our nation’s top housing regulator. [BUYERS, BE WARY OF THIS MAN. DO YOU REALLY WANT HIM OR ANYONE FROM GOVERNMENT GETTING BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR REALTOR AND LENDER?] He is an outstanding member of Congress. And during that time, he was on the Housing Committee — worked with banks, worked with borrowers to protect consumers, to help responsible lenders provide credit. He is the right person for the job [TO PRESSURE LENDERS TO MAKE MORE HIGH-RISK LOANS]. Congress and the Senate should give his nomination an up or down vote without any more obstruction or delay. We don’t have time for those kinds of games. [I KNOW ABOUT GAMES; I PLAY THEM EVERY DAY, AND I LIKE TO WIN THEM. IN FACT, THAT’S WHY I’M IN ARIZONA TODAY, TO GET YOUR SUPPORT FOR MORE FAILED SOCIALIST GAMES.]

So I want to be honest with you. [FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY TIME AS YOUR PRESIDENT.] No program or policy is going to solve all the problems in a multi-trillion dollar housing market. The housing bubble [WE CAUSED] went up so high, the heights it reached before it burst were so unsustainable, that we knew it was going to take some time for us to fully recover. [OR ACTUALLY DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN BEFORE RECOVERY]. But if we take the steps that I talked about today, then I know we will restore not just our home values, but also our common values. [FAT CHANCE. CAN ANYONE ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE OF HIS JUMBLED MESSAGE?] We’ll make owning a home a symbol of responsibility [GOVERNMENT INVOLVEMENT], not speculation — a source of security for [NO] generations to come, just like it was for my grandparents [WHO BOUGHT HOMES WHEN PRICES WERE LOW AND THE GOVERNMENT DIDN’T INTERFERE WITH THE MARKET AND CAUSE A DISASTROUS BUBBLE WAITING TO BURST]. I want it to be just like that for all the young people who are here today and their children and their grandchildren. [THERE’S SOMETHING IN THIS FOR ME; OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T BE HERE PRETENDING TO CARE ABOUT YOU, OTHER THAN YOUR VOTE.]

And if we stay focused on middle-class security and opportunities to get into [GET BIGGER GOVERNMENT MITTS ON] the middle class, if we take the [GOOFY] strategy [DESTINED TO FAIL] that I’m laying out for the entire economy [GOD HELP US]– for jobs and housing and education, health care, retirement, creating ladders of opportunity [TALKING A REAL GOOD GAME WITH NO SUBSTANCE] — then we will secure that better bargain for WASHINGTON BUREAUCRATS, DEMOCRATS, AND ALL WHO STAND TO PROFIT HANDSOMELY AT THE EXPENSE OF] all Americans [TAXPAYERS], where hard work is once again rewarded [MY FELLOW PROGRESSIVES KNOW WE ARE NOT ABOUT HARD WORK OR ACHIEVEMENT, BUT ABOUT DEMONIZING THOSE WHO WORK HARD AND ACHIEVE] with a shot at a middle-class life, which means more Americans will know the pride of that first paycheck. [HOW DID WE GO FROM HOME BUYING TO A FIRST PAYCHECK? IT TAKES A LOT MORE THAN ONE PAYCHECK TO GET A HOME LOAN.] More Americans will know the satisfaction of flipping the sign to “Open” on their own business. [UNLESS THEY DON’T BUY MY ABORTION INSURANCE AND IF THE FINES DON’T FORCE THEM TO CLOSE THEIR DOORS AND PUT MORE FAMILIES IN THE RANKS OF UNEMPLOYMENT.] More Americans [OR POSSIBLY A GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRAT] will know the joy of scratching the child’s [FOR THOSE WHO DON’T CONSIDER THEMSELVES “PUNISHED WITH A KID” — OR GOD FORBID, MULTIPLE CHILDREN!] height on the door of their new home — with pencil, of course.

We can do all this if we work together. [READ: IF YOU DO WHAT GOVERNMENT TELLS YOU TO DO.] And it won’t be easy. [YOU CAN’T DO MUCH OF ANYTHING ON YOUR OWN WITHOUT GOVERNMENT HELP.] But if we take just a few bold steps [MORE AND MORE INTRUSIVE GOVERNMENT] — and if Washington will just end the gridlock [REPUBLICANS WILL GIVE IN TO FAILED SOCIALIST POLICIES], set aside the slash-and-burn partisanship [THAT I SO DEARLY LOVE TO PRACTICE!] — actually try to solve problems [CREATE CRISES TO EXPLOIT WITH SOCIALIST SOLUTIONS] instead of scoring political points, our economy will grow stronger a year from now, five years from now, 10 years from now. [THAT’S WHAT I SAID LAST YEAR, THE YEAR BEFORE THAT, THE YEAR BEFORE THAT, AND ON AND ON.]

And as long as I’ve got the privilege to serve [CONTROL] as your President, that’s what I’m going to be fighting for.

Thank you very much, everybody. [SAYONARA, SUCKERS!] God [ALLAH] bless you.

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