Arizona judicial malfeasance: 75-percent rate of flouting parental consent laws for minor abortions

PHOENIX, AZ, August 13, 2013 (LifeSiteNews) – A report published this month by the Arizona Department of Health Services shows that the state’s judges grant minor girls’ requests to bypass parental consent laws when seeking abortions the vast majority of the time, lending credence to critics’ concerns that offering judicial waivers makes such laws toothless.

Since 2003, Arizona has required at least one parent to give consent for any abortion performed on a girl under 18 years of age.  But girls who don’t want to tell their parents they are pregnant can petition the court for a waiver of the requirement.

According to the latest report, since the state started keeping track in late 2010, 95 out of 128 requests by young girls looking to hide their abortion from their parents were approved – or 75 percent of such requests.

Helena Silverstein, a Lafayette University researcher who specializes in abortion law, told the AP that the high number of approvals in Arizona was in line with other states she has studied.

“In every state I have studied, or other people have studied, the pattern is the same,” said Silverstein, “and the pattern is that a minor who makes her way to a court and gets before a judge to petition for a bypass is very likely to get her petition granted.”

While most judges are reticent about the judicial bypass process due to the secretive nature of the proceedings – such hearings are always closed and records are sealed afterward –- Alabama juvenile court Judge James Strickland told the Tuscaloosa News in 1997 that he felt he had little choice but to grant waivers to girls who requested them.

Strickland said that because appeals courts tend to rule on the side of the woman who wants an abortion, “If I didn’t approve, I would be reversed on appeal.”  Strickland said he tried to get abortion-minded girls to really consider what they were doing, but if the girls said they wanted to proceed, he had to sign the order.

Supporters of judicial bypass argue that it protects the girl who fears her parents would retaliate with physical violence or by putting her out on the streets if they found out she was having sex.  But an ACLU study showed that of the teens who  did not tell a parent about their abortion, only 22 percent said they would be kicked out of the house, and only about 8 percent feared that they would be physically harmed.

“A lot of teenagers read a lot more into what their parents are going to do or not going to do than they should,” attorney John Jakubczyk, former head of Arizona Right to Life, told the AP.


Judges, the fear of getting harmed or kicked out of the house is a CPS matter. It should not be a death sentence for innocent preborn children!

Two Kids With Down Syndrome Who Escaped Abortion Thank Pro-Life Congressmen Trent Franks

By Kurt Kondrich | Washington, DC | | 8/16/13

Recently my beautiful daughter Chloe and her remarkable friend Alex who were born with a diagnosis of Down syndrome went to the US Capitol in Washington DC to meet with and thank two congressmen who are true pro-life champions.

Chloe and Alex went to the offices of Congressman Christopher Smith (R-NJ) and Congressman Trent Franks (R-AZ), and they showed their ABILITIES and what irreplaceable blessings children with Down syndrome are to a lost culture that has embraced
“termination of life” as a “choice.”

These two congressmen have an unwavering commitment to the sanctity and protection of our most precious, sacred national resource -– human life, and Chloe and Alex are members of a group of individuals who are prenatally being identified, targeted and eliminated at a 90 percent-plus rate while most of the country and world stands by in disturbing silence. Congressmen Smith and Franks fearlessly embrace and protect our most vulnerable children, and their legislative records clearly show their unwavering commitment to all life.

During our visit we had the opportunity to pray with both congressmen, and you could honestly feel God’s presence in the room blessing the priceless work these two defenders of life engage in at our country’s capitol. Our “One Nation under God” will never prosper and receive God’s goodness until we stop the slaughter of our most defenseless citizens, and now more than ever it is critical that we in the pro-life community reach out and thank leaders like Congressmen Smith and Franks so they know they are not alone in this life and death struggle.

People often ask me to slow down in my advocacy efforts for children like my daughter, and I tell them that until this silent eugenic movement against amazing kids like Chloe and Alex is stopped I will never rest. Chloe’s unconditional love, purity, and genuine perfection strengthen me each day to continue this mission, and I am forever grateful that there are elected leaders like ongressmen Smith and Franks who have made it their top priority to restore a culture of Life in this nation.

EEOC Vows to Appeal Judge’s Ruling

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent NewsA Satirical Look at Recent News

This past week, U.S. District Court Judge Roger Titus dismissed the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s contention that the use of criminal background checks for prospective employees unfairly discriminates against minorities. Titus labeled the EEOC’s arguments “laughable.”

EEOC Chairwoman Jacqueline Berrien called the Judge’s ruling “clearly erroneous. Statistics show that minorities represent a disproportionate share of those convicted of crimes. A hiring policy that screens out persons with a criminal history will inevitably screen out more minorities. This is illegal.”

Berrien conceded that “businesses may feel uncomfortable with the idea of hiring those with criminal records, but this must be balanced with the rights of minorities to obtain good-paying jobs.”

“The belief that a criminal record indicates a person is just dishonest is what we question,” Berrien argued. “Dishonesty is only one reason why a person might have a criminal record. Equally important is the fact that persons with lower intelligence are more likely to make errors that lead to their arrest and conviction. Numerous studies have indicated that minorities are also over represented amongst the ranks of those with low IQs.”

Berrien expressed confidence that “we’ll win on appeal. Titus is only one judge. He was appointed by Bush and obviously doesn’t understand the important transformations President Obama is trying to make to this country. As we go further up the line in the Courts there’ll be more opportunity for the President’s views to prevail like they did when Supreme Court Justice Roberts ‘surprisingly’ upheld Obamacare.”

City Refuses to Pay Vet Bill for Dog

The City of Leander, Texas says it will not pick up the tab for the medical expenses of a dog city police officers shot during an attempt to execute a warrant at a wrong address last June. The dog survived the shooting, but required $1500 in surgery and medications to recover.

City Manager Claude du Foss asserted that “agreeing to pay in this instance would set a bad precedent. If the City has to pay for every supposedly erroneous act carried out by its employees it’d break the bank. While it may be true that in this case the officers entered the wrong address for purposes of executing the warrant, we contend that the police have the right to enter any property at any time for any reason and to use deadly force if, in their judgment, it is necessary.”

With their request for reimbursement of medical expenses rebuffed by the city, the dog’s owners, James and Renata Simmons say they will sue for damages. “Our dog was in our yard when two strange men broke in,” James said. “He didn’t deserve to get shot for barking at them.”

Du Foss accused the Simmons of “escalating the situation. First of all, having a dog was their choice. If there were no dog there probably would’ve been no shooting. Second, the incurring of a $1500 veterinary bill was strictly voluntary on their part. Disposal of an animal carcass could’ve been taken care of at no extra cost if they’d simply placed it in their trash bin. They’re the ones who are being unreasonable.”

Governor Lashes Out at Perceived Rivals

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lambasted potential rivals for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination—Kentucky Senator Rand Paul and Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal—as “too esoteric and rigidly principled to be taken seriously.”

“Nobody cares about ‘liberty’ or ‘values’ anymore,” Christie maintained. “Big government is here to stay. The key issue to be decided is who’s going to run it. Convincing our constituents that we’ll get them a bigger slice of the pie is the way we’ll get their votes.”

“Americans want a strong leader to use his heft to promote their interests,” Christie declared. “In that regard I’m easily twice the man either of these two is. Neither of them has the stature or magnitude to do a job as big as president of the United States. I just hope that GOP voters realize this before it’s too late.”

Obama Decision to Raise Cell Phone Taxes Constitutional

This past week President Obama directed the Federal Communications Commission to raise taxes on cell phones in order to fund broadband Internet access in schools. Under the impression that the Constitution reserves tax legislation to Congress, the White House press corps questioned this move.

White House spokesman Josh Earnest defended the president’s action as “fully constitutional. If you read the document you’ll see that all bills for raising revenue must originate in the House of Representatives. The president’s action was an Executive Order carried out under his powers as Commander-in-Chief. So, technically, we believe he is within his authority to order this tax hike.”

“There is also the intent of the Constitution that has to be taken into consideration,” Earnest added. “The document’s purpose includes the promotion of the general welfare. Bringing broadband Internet to our schools promotes the general welfare. Ideally, Congress would recognize their responsibility, but since they haven’t the president has stepped in to take up the slack.”

Rodeo Clown Stirs Up Controversy

A Missouri State Fair rodeo clown wearing an Obama mask while seeking to divert the attention of bulls from goring their dismounted riders has sparked widespread indignation.

White House spokesman Josh Earnest denounced it as “probably one of the top 10 worst things to have ever happened in my home state. We have to ask ourselves how bad has our country become when such egregious disrespect for the president can be displayed so openly. We’re hoping that the lifetime ban on the individual involved will send a strong message to others not to cross that line.”

The Missouri chapter of the NAACP demanded an FBI investigation of the perpetrator. Mary Ratliff, the head of the NAACP’s chapter in Missouri, called the incident “a hate crime, pure and simple. We need the FBI to investigate before this type of denigration of the president becomes common.”

This isn’t the first time a presidential mask has shown up at a rodeo. Back in 1994 a dummy wearing a George Bush mask was gored by a bull while the crowd cheered.

“It’s not the same,” Ratliff argued. “Bush is white and by 1994 he was already an ex-president. So it couldn’t have been a hate crime and it certainly didn’t threaten a sitting president. The FBI has got to protect president Obama from all threats. They may seem trivial to some, but he’s the most important person in the world. We can’t risk even the slightest danger to his well-being. Such a blatant show of disrespect says it’s okay to oppose the president and try to block what he’s doing for the country. That’s what we need to discourage.”

Administration Rejects Petition to Make White House “Gun-Free Zone”

While “gun-free zones” are the Administration’s recommendation for reducing gun violence elsewhere, it pointedly rejected a proposal that it adopt the same policy for the White House.

A statement posted on the White House Internet site argued that “making the White House a ‘gun-free zone’ would do nothing to disarm the criminals and enemies that might want to harm the president or his family. Knowing that their target is surrounded by well-armed Secret Service agents acts as a significant deterrent to those with evil intentions. We cannot afford to give up this deterrent based on misplaced idealism.”

“The situation for ordinary Americans is not analogous,” the statement went on. “Private gun owners are far less trained and skilled. They also have relative anonymity and insignificance working in their favor. They are less apt to be targets. Even if they do become victims of a crime the consequences would be far less damaging to the nation than if the president or his family were harmed.”

The Administration used the petition as a springboard to reiterate its demand that “Congress needs to enact legislation that will substantially reduce the prevalence of guns in our society. The more guns there are in private hands, the more opportunities there will be for unauthorized persons to wreak havoc.”

Kerry Says Internet Makes It Hard to Govern

In a speech to State Department personnel, Secretary of State John Kerry lamented “the pernicious effect of the Internet on our capacity to govern. It used to be that dictators could tamp down dissent with a show of force or by seizing mass communication media. But now, every yahoo can blast his opinions all over the globe if he’s got an email address or an off-shore web server.”

As an illustration of his case, Kerry pointed out that “one rogue individual like Edward Snowden can humiliate the world’s foremost power by divulging its methods of keeping tabs on potential threats to its policies. He may be out of our reach at the moment, but, thankfully, our database remains intact and those who would emulate him can be interdicted before they can escape.”

In related news, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she will be embarking on a speaking tour aimed at restoring people’s faith in government. “A government that has lost the faith of its people is primed for a fall,” Clinton observed. “We saw this in the collapse of the Soviet Union. People lost faith in their government’s willingness to use whatever means necessary to maintain order. As a result all over Eastern Europe people took to the streets to defy those who ruled them. Those who ruled also lost their faith that the people would tolerate the level of force needed to suppress them. The result was a cataclysmic change. Keeping that history from repeating itself here in the United States is what I’m dedicating my efforts to over the next few years.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and do not change the context. Thank you.

More Stimulus Scandal in Arizona

Thanks to Chandler city councilman Jeff Weninger for tipping us off about a Solyndra-like scandal covering Arizona and other states. Jeff’s facebook page starts us off on yet another Obama blunder:

A couple years ago a company called Ecotality hit my radar. They are an AZ company that was revamped to take advantage of green stimulus dollars. They were paid close to 100 million dollars to install electric car chargers. They are all over the place in AZ now and I have NEVER seen one person actually charging their cars at them. I pointed out at our council meeting that this was a giveaway to friends of the administration. I also predicted that this company would go bankrupt.

Arizona Central reports:

Ecotality may file for bankruptcy protection

By Peter CorbettThe Republic  |  azcentral.comMon Aug 12, 2013  6:13 PM

Ecotality Inc., a developer of charging stations for electric vehicles that has received $91.5 million in federal stimulus funds, said it may file for bankruptcy protection.

The San Francisco-based company, which has an office in Phoenix, said in a filing to the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission that it is exploring options for restructuring or selling the business.

Ecotality’s network of 13,000 charging stations in 38 states, including more than 600 in metro Phoenix, will continue to operate, said Joshua Katz, Ecotality chief marketing officer.

“To us the most important thing is that our drivers’ needs are met,” Katz said. He said he did not know how many employees the company had in Phoenix.

A federal report tracking stimulus funding indicates the company had 68 total jobs as of June 30, including 29 full-time positions.

Ecotality was unable to obtain additional financing last week and is facing other challenges. The U.S. Department of Energy notified the company Thursday that it is suspending payments for continued installation of electric-vehicle chargers, according to the SEC filing.

The agency is investigating whether it should continue to reimburse Ecotality for its installation costs. The document also shows that Ecotality has not resolved an issue of overheating of the connector plug at some of its charging stations.

In 2009, the Department of Energy picked Ecotality to install 15,000 charging stations for plug-in electric cars. Ecotality was eligible to receive about $115 million in federal stimulus funds and was required to come up with roughly $115 million in matching funds.

The project originally was scheduled for completion in April but the Department of Energy in July 2012 gave Ecotality until December to finish the installation.

The agency had paid Ecotality $91.5 million as of March 2013, according to company records.

Ecotality has been hampered by tepid consumer demand for plug-in electric cars and its own troubles with selling its charging stations to commercial and residential users. Its latest in-home charging station costs about $699, with a $100 credit for electricity use, Katz said.

Data from the Electric Drive Transportation Association show U.S. sales of 26,655 plug-in electric vehicles through July.

In announcing its quarterly earnings in May, Ravi Brar, Ecotality chief executive, said that company is “making progress in shifting our business from one primarily dependent on the (charging station project) to a company with a diversified product and services offering (that serves) consumers, industrial and government clients.”

Ecotality lists its Blink charger, Minit-Charger and eTec Labs businesses as part of its products and services.

Ecotality’s stock price closed at 31 cents a share, down $1.15, or 79 percent.

And that’s NOT all, folks! Former Gov. Janet Napolitano, former Arizona Congressman Harry Mitchell, and former Democrat-in-RINO-clothing-for-one-legislative-term Slade Mead are ALSO knee-deep in this mess, according to Heritage blog:

‘A Political Beast’: DOE-Backed Ecotality’s Extensive Political Muscle

July 26, 2012

As a congressional panel looks into federal support for a major electric vehicle charging station manufacturer, more questions about the company’s political connections are surfacing. They speak to a virtual constant among recipients of federal “green energy” money: beneficiaries enjoy significant political connections.

The company in question, Ecotality, has received about $125 million in federal money under the Obama administration. It was the subject of a three-part series at Scribe earlier this year, which examined a Securities and Exchange Commission subpoena relating to potential insider trading by top company executives, large bonuses paid to executives despite the company’s shaky financial footing, and Ecotality’s focus on securing federal backing.

The latter point bears revisiting in light of newly uncovered facts about the company’s connections in Washington.

On a July 2007 shareholder conference call, Ecotality CEO Jonathan Read put it bluntly: “I’m a political beast,” he told a shareholder, “and playing the political card is something that when the time is right we’re going to play very hard.” Asked when that time might be, Read answered, “you call in your chips when you have a specific project you want to go after.”

It wasn’t long before such a project emerged. In the fourth quarter of 2008, Ecotality shifted its lobbying strategy. Until then, it had devoted most of its lobbying muscle to “continu[ing the] competitive bid process for DOE testing,” in the words of its disclosure forms. During the Bush administration, Ecotality received contracts to test electric vehicle technology, and lobbying efforts were geared toward continuing that relationship.

In August of 2008, then-Sen. Barack Obama announced his goal to get 1 million electric vehicles on the road by 2015. Around that time, Ecotality’s lobbying efforts, previously confined to Congress and DOE, were expanded to the White House, and to include work on “DOE projects,” a slight but significant shift in the topic under discussion.

As Ecotality put it in a December 2008 SEC filing, “we believe the focus by the Obama Administration [on electric vehicles] will provide strong funding opportunities for us and our core technologies.”

In its push to secure that funding, Ecotality hired Ziemba-Waid Public Affairs, which touted Ecotality’s eventual $99.8 million award through DOE’s EV Project on its blog. The firm boasts a “deep knowledge of the Western and Washington, D.C. political landscape,” according to the website.

But ZWPA doesn’t just have knowledge of D.C.’s workings – it has extensive ties to Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, even flouting those ties on its website under the headline “Friends in high places,” and to former Rep. Harry Mitchell (D-AZ), whose committee assignments were of particular note for Ecotality.

ZWPA founder David Waid is the former chairman and executive director of the Arizona Democratic Party. In that capacity, he “shepherded through a 2006 election cycle that was the most successful in recent memory for Arizona Democrats,” according to the Arizona Republic. Mitchell was one of two Democrats elected to the U.S. House as part of that wave. Colin Read, the son of Ecotality’s CEO, served as his campaign’s assistance finance director.

Mitchell, who would receive $5,550 in campaign contributions from ZWPA employees during his time in the House, according to the Center for Responsive Politics, sat on key panels for Ecotality’s purposes: the Science and Technology Subcommittee on Technology and Innovation, and the Transportation and Infrastructure Subcommittee on Highways and Transit.

ZWPA has other ties to Mitchell and Napolitano through the Democratic-leaning group Project for Arizona’s Future. Len Munsil, Napolitano’s opponent in the 2006 gubernatorial election, alleged that PAF, officially a non-political group devoted to voter “education,” had illegally coordinated with advocacy groups financed by the state Democratic Party, then run by Waid. A state election panel later ruled that there was not enough evidence to implicate Napolitano on that coordination.

After the 2006 election, two Mitchell campaign staffers –campaign manager Kelly Ward and volunteer coordinator Lauren Kryder – took jobs with PAF. Meanwhile, Tom Ziemba, PAF’s executive director, left to co-found ZWPA with Waid, where he would work to secure federal funding for Ecotality.

Ben Powers, a former program director at PAF, also took a job with ZWPA, where he worked from 2008 to 2009. Powers’s bio says he has worked with U.S. congressional campaigns. His online video account includes an interview with Mitchell, which, Mitchell’s comments indicate, was filmed in 2010. The year before, Powers’s organization, PMD Media, uploaded an attack ad against Eric Wnuck, then Mitchell’s expected Republican opponent.

During his first campaign for the U.S. House, Mitchell held a joint fundraiser with his then-state Senate colleague Slade Mead, who was running for superintendent at the time. Mitchell prevailed in his election; Mead did not. The following year, Mead was elected to Ecotality’s board of directors.

The Mitchell-Mead fundraiser, it should be noted, was held at the home of then-governor, and current Homeland Security secretary, Janet Napolitano.

After Napolitano was tapped for DHS secretary in January 2009, her long-time spokeswoman Jeanine L’Ecuyer took at position at ZWPA. By December of that year, however, L’Ecuyer was listed as the spokeswoman for none other than Ecotality.

U.S.-Backed Syrian Rebels Reportedly Massacre Women and Children

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent NewsA Satirical Look at Recent News

Anti-Assad rebels from the Jabhat al-Nusra Front are reported to have carried out a raid on the Syrian town of Tal Abyad near the Turkish border this past week. Rebel troops are said to have gone door-to-door killing everyone they encountered—including an estimated 450 women, children, and elderly men.

The Jabhat al-Nusra Front is one of the groups receiving military assistance from the Obama Administration and was visited earlier this year by Senator John McCain (R-Ariz) for a photo op. McCain hastened to mention that “the reports of the massacre have yet to be confirmed by the Administration. Even if they are this doesn’t necessarily imply that we are backing the wrong side in this civil war.”

“I mean, it’s not as if United   States Armed Forces have never killed women and children,” McCain pointed out. “Our bombing of Hiroshima in World War II indiscriminately killed many non-combatants. Why, I myself conducted bombing raids on villages in Vietnam that must have resulted in similar non-combatant casualties. So, I don’t think we should be too quick to judge these people too harshly.”

The Arizona Senator vowed he would “stand behind our Commander-in-Chief. He’s the one we must trust. To do otherwise would be insubordinate, possibly treasonous. If he orders us to come to the aid of Jabhat al-Nusra, then that’s what we all must do.”

In related news, President Obama has issued an Executive Order granting “refugee status” to Syrians at risk of reprisals from the Assad regime. In the event that the Assad Government is successful in repulsing rebel efforts to overthrow it, escaping members of Jabhat al-Nusra will be awarded permanent residency in America.

Administration to Step Up Neighborhood Diversity Initiative

The Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) announced a new fair housing regulation aimed at increasing the diversity of America’s neighborhoods.

“Too many of our minorities are trapped in blighted, high-crime neighborhoods solely because they can’t afford to live where conditions are better,” HUD Secretary Shaun Donovan declared. “We are launching a two-pronged approach to remedy this social injustice.”

“Prong number one,” Donovan says, “will be an intensive data collection and analysis of the racial composition of every neighborhood in the country. Prong number two will be aiding the integration of an appropriate racial and ethnic mix of inhabitants.”

Aids to integration are reported to entail “government subsidies for persons who otherwise couldn’t afford to live in better neighborhoods” and “a relocation permit process to interdict movements that would tend to undermine the intent of the program.”

“Ideally, we’ll erase the distinctions between so-called good and bad neighborhoods,” Donovan promised. “Not only would we achieve a more equitable distribution of the population, we’d also eliminate the significant cost of people needlessly moving around in search of a better neighborhood. Every place would be the same.”

Governor Defends Tax Breaks for Political Donors

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo rejected allegations that his support for legislation granting tax breaks to a firm that made substantial donations to his political campaign is corrupt.

“The fact that the Extell Development Company donated to my campaign is, by itself, evidence of their support of good government,” Cuomo insisted. “Don’t we want supporters of good government to prosper? Shouldn’t good corporate citizens reap the rewards of their civic virtue?”

Ironically, the potentially illegal link between the campaign donation and the tax break came to light after the Governor established a commission to look into legislative corruption. “It appears that the commission has wandered off the track we’d hoped they’d pursue,” Cuomo complained.

A further irony is the contention by Richard Brodsky, a former legislator and current Senior Fellow at the NYUWagnerSchool for Public Service, that the Governor’s intended “track” for the commission is, itself, illegal. “The Mooreland Act authorizes the Governor to establish a commission to investigate management and affairs of any department, board, bureau or commission of the state. The Legislature is not included.”

NSA Spying on “Only a Small Percentage,” White House Says

White House press secretary Jay Carney defended the National Security Agency’s spying activities saying that “only a small percentage of Internet traffic is being monitored.”

“Is there any question that the vast majority of what people do on the Internet is mindless drivel?” Carney asked. “I mean, the number one topic is porn. Only a tiny fraction of the activity represents matters of interest. That’s the activity we’ve got every right and obligation to monitor.”

One of the “tiny fractions” Carney maintained merits scrutiny “is the communications of persons hostile to the Government—including so-called Tea Partiers. Let me remind you that these people adamantly oppose our efforts to enact sensible gun controls. Is that not evidence they may be a danger to the Government?”

Carney argued that “we can’t remain idle and ignorant about these potential threats lest we wake up to find  reactionary elements controlling the government. We cannot supinely permit them to exploit freedom of speech in order to mislead voters. We cannot allow an assertion of a right to privacy to block us from observing their schemes to assail the policies and the very existence of the current Administration.”

In related news, the Department of Homeland Security has asserted an unrestricted right to search persons and structures within 100 miles of US borders. Acting Secretary Rand Beers rebuffed American Civil Liberties Union objections alleging this violates the 4th Amendment. “If you carefully read the 4th Amendment you’ll see that it prohibits ‘unreasonable searches and seizures,’” Beers recalled. “Given the magnitude of our Agency’s responsibilities it is our opinion that these searches are reasonable.”

President Lambastes “Cold War Mentality”

In an appearance on the Tonight Show, President Barack Obama criticized Russian President Vladimir Putin for what he labeled a “cold war mentality.” At issue was Putin’s grant of asylum to NSA leaker Edward Snowden and his refusal to allow the US to extradite him.

“The whole idea of the ‘reset button’ was that our two governments would cooperate with each other,” Obama lamented. “Now, instead of doing what we ask the Russians have suddenly developed scruples against spying on citizens. They invented spying on citizens. They’re such hypocrites.”

The fact that the US has granted asylum to many defectors from Russia didn’t seem to faze the President. “It wasn’t me who granted asylum to those turncoats,” Obama said. “If returning some of them is a condition for our getting Snowden back let Mr. Putin give me a list of who he wants and we’ll see if we can make a deal.”

For now, Obama has decided to retaliate by canceling a planned meeting with Putin next month. “Sit-down time with me is a rare and highly-prized opportunity,” the President bragged. “Well, Putin’s off the list until he changes his behavior.”

While praising the President for this “courageous stand” Senators John McCain (R-Ariz) and Lindsey Graham (R-SC) urged him to go further. In a statement signed by both Senators, Russia’s refusal to return Snowden was called “a violation of human rights. The United States is the land of the free. Russia’s failure to return Mr. Snowden to this land of the free demonstrates that it chooses Soviet-style confrontation over cooperation. This confrontation must have serious consequences for the aggressor.”

Though the joint statement declined to name a specific consequence, a source familiar with the Senators’ off-the-record remarks suggested that “drone strikes or armed intervention in Russia’s dispute with Georgia are possibilities.”

State Cracks Down on Farmer

For the second time in less than a year, Minnesota authorities are prosecuting Alvin Schlangen for unauthorized delivery of farm produce. Schlangen offers members of the private buying club, Freedom Farms Co-op, the benefit of his volunteer delivery service. The Minnesota Department of Agriculture (MDA) demands that the Stearns County District Attorney stop the deliveries by bringing charges against Schlagen.

Schlagen’s customers, many of whom have no other convenient means of getting food to their homes, are irate at the MDA. “A lot of those on Schlagen’s route are house-bound or handicapped,” said Elisabeth Berry. “More to the point, though, all of us are free individuals who have the God-given right to buy from whoever we please.”

Dave Frederickson, Commissioner, Minnesota Department of Agriculture, maintains that “the issue isn’t anyone’s freedom, God-given or otherwise. The issue is public safety. When it comes to food, we are the agency entrusted to protect people from potentially hazardous food.”

“The notion that individuals are competent to determine which foods are safe is flawed,” Frederickson asserted. “We have the expertise. They don’t. If we allow individuals to make their own choices out of some misguided ideal of personal freedom we’d be neglecting our duty. The voters elected the people who made the regulations and the Governor who appointed me. If they’d wanted the kind of individual freedom being asserted by Mr. Schlagen they’d have made different decisions in the voting booth.”


A Satirical Look at Recent News

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Heartless Obama Denies Aid for Tragic Yarnell Fire

PHOENIX – Governor Jan Brewer late today received word from the Obama Administration that it had denied the state’s request for a federal Major Disaster Declaration in response to the Yarnell Hill Fire.

Statement from Governor Brewer

            “I am deeply troubled by the Obama Administration’s decision to deny much-needed recovery assistance in the wake of Arizona’s deadliest wildfire. This designation would have provided critical aid to citizens most impacted by the fire.

“The State of Arizona continues to mourn this tragedy, which took the lives of nineteen of our bravest first responders. While no amount of federal assistance could ever ease the pain of such an extraordinary loss, it would have provided significant financial relief to Yarnell and Peeples Valley. Local residents are under enough emotional stress as they work to pick up the pieces and put their communities back together. Wondering how or if they will recover their losses should be the last of their worries.

“In the days after the fire, I appreciated the call I received from President Obama, during which he pledged to support our state during its time of great need. I was even more encouraged when Vice President Biden reiterated that commitment at the memorial service for the fallen Granite Mountain Hotshots. With today’s denial of the state’s request, Arizonans are left questioning what help they were willing to give.

“I was hopeful the federal government would recognize the exceptionally devastating circumstances surrounding this tragedy, and support Arizona’s request.

“The State will review its options regarding an appeal of this misguided decision. We will continue to do everything in our power to assist in that effort. Rest assured, that is a pledge that will not be broken.”

President’s Arizona Remarks Put to the ‘Truth meter’

This past Tuesday the president was in our capital city speaking to a crowd of mostly low-information voters and students-in-indoctrination at Desert Vista High School. So we took the opportunity to run his speech, the transcript we found on, through The Arizona Conservative “Truth Meter” and we were stunned by what came out. Read on!

THE PRESIDENT: Hey! Hello, Phoenix!  Hello, Arizona!  I want to say thank you to the Thunder for hosting us here today [THE THUNDER HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER; THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT INVITED TO APPEAR IN THE STATE HE LOVES TO SUE]. Well, we are so glad to be here [I ALWAYS ENJOY COMMUNITY AGITATING OPPORTUNITIES]. I want you to give it up for somebody who’s been fighting for homeowners and working families every single day [MANY OF WHOM I’D LOVE TO PUT OUT OF WORK IF THEY WON’T BUY MY ABORTION INSURANCE], who’s with me today — Secretary Shaun Donovan, Secretary of HUD [WHO IS DOING OBAMA’S BIDDING AND IS PART OF THE PROBLEM, NOT THE SOLUTION]. There he is right there. Give him a big round of applause. We’ve got Congressman Ed Pastor who’s here as well. [WHO VOTED FOR THE LARGEST TAX INCREASE IN U.S. HISTORY—OBAMACARE] We’ve got your Mayor, Greg Stanton, here. [GIVING LOADS OF YOUR MONEY TO UNIONS AND SUPPORTING THE RADICAL HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA] Doing an outstanding job. And to all the mayors and state legislators and tribal leaders [GOTTA GET IN A CAMPAIGN PLUG TO KEEP THEM VOTING DEMOCRAT] who are here today, thank you.

Give Jorge a big round of applause for his introduction.  To your superintendent, Dr. Kenneth Baca.  Your principal, Dr. Anna Battle.  And I appreciate everybody at Desert Vista for having me here today [AND TAKING TIME OUT FROM TODAY’S SOCIALIST INDOCTRINATION CLASSES].  It is good to see the students are pretty enthusiastic about being back in school. I’m not sure I would have been that enthusiastic starting on the 6th. [THIS IS A NO-BRAINER. I’VE WRITTEN IN MY BOOK THAT I “ATTENDED CLASSES SPARINGLY, DRANK BEER HEAVILY, AND TRIED DRUGS ENTHUSIASTICALLY” WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL. YES, I’M A REAL “ROLE MODEL” FOR YOU STUDENTS HERE TODAY.]

And I know this isn’t your typical school — second day of school. So I want to give a special shout-out to the new seniors, class of 2014.  You are aware that you’re not finished yet. Senior year, that’s sometimes tempting. I want you all to stay focused.

So over the last few weeks, I’ve been visiting [STRONG-ARMING] towns all across the country, talking about what we need to do to secure a better bargain [TAKING AWAY YOUR FREEDOM, SPYING ON YOU, THE USUAL STUFF] for the middle class — a national strategy to make sure that everybody who works hard has a chance to succeed in the 21st century economy. [BUT DON’T ANYBODY STRAIN YOURSELF; I’M MORE THAN HAPPY TO MAKE YOU PART OF MY GROWING FOOD STAMP TEAM.]

And I think people in Arizona especially understand the challenges that are out there, because for the past four and a half years, together, we fought our way back from a devastating recession that cost millions of jobs for Americans. [AN ECONOMIC SLUMP THAT CONTINUES, AND THE REAL JOBLESS RATE IS 14 PERCENT, BUT YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW THAT.] A lot of folks lost their homes [THANKS TO ME AND MY FELLOW DEMOCRATS WHO DESTROYED THE REAL ESTATE MARKET BY USING GOVERNMENT TO FORCE PRIVATE COMPANIES TO MAKE REALLY BAD LOANS, THOUGH I DID COLLECT A HANDSOME SUM OF $146,000 FROM FANNIE … OR FREDDY, WHATEVER ONE, FOR ESSENTIALLY DOING NOTHING. BUT HEY, SEVERAL DEMOCRATS DID IT.] ; a lot of folks lost their savings. [TOO BAD. BUT AT LEAST THE GOVERNMENT HAS MORE OF YOUR MONEY NOW.]  And what the recession showed was the long erosion of middle-class security that had been taking place for decades. [THANKS TO MY SOCIALIST POLICIES.]

But we fought back. [WE DID? HMM … WELL THAT’S WHAT MY SPEECH WRITER WROTE.] We took on a broken health care system. [AND WE’RE TURNING IT INTO A TRAINWRECK, DAY BY DAY. SOME OF YOU PART-TIME FOLKS GOT LAID OFF SO COMPANIES CAN AVOID MY DRACONIAN PENALTIES.  AND OTHERS OF YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED ME WHEN I SAID YOU COULD KEEP YOUR OWN DOCTOR AND INSURANCE AND THAT YOUR COSTS WOULD GO DOWN. UH … WE’RE STILL WORKING ON THAT.] We took on a housing market that was in free fall. [THOUGH I HAVE TO ADMIT IT WAS US DEMOCRATS WHO GAVE IT A BIG PUSH.] We invested in new technologies to reverse our addiction to foreign oil. [LIKE MY FRIENDS AT SOLYNDRA; THEY ARE ENJOYING EARLY RETIREMENT THANKS TO YOU SUCKERS, ER, UH, I MEAN, TAX CONTRIBUTORS.] We changed a tax code that had become tilted a little bit too much in favor of the wealthiest Americans at the expense of working families. [FOOTNOTE KARL MARX. EVEN THOUGH THE WEALTHIEST PAY 90 PERCENT OF THE TAXES, I GOTTA HAVE MORE, MAN.]  We saved the auto industry. [AND NOW THE GOVERNMENT CAN’T SELL ALL THOSE CHEVY VOLTS WE MADE. BUT AT LEAST THE UNION IS RUNNING THE SHOW AT GOVERNMENT MOTORS NOW, AND CONVERTING FUNDS INTO MY RE-ELECTION]. We’ve now got GM that plans to hire a thousand [BZT! BZT! BZT!] new workers right next door in Chandler to make sure we’re building some of the best cars in the world right here in the United States of America.  [AMERICANS AREN’T BUILDING THOSE CARS! THEY DIDN’T MAKE THAT! ME AND THE GOVERNMENT DID THAT!]

Our businesses have created 7.3 million new jobs over the past 41 months.[BUT MANY MORE WERE LOST, AND THE NEW JOBS ARE PART TIME WITHOUT BENEFITS. ANYBODY HERE WANT TO WORK IN THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA FOR $7 AN HOUR? JUST 3 DAYS A WEEK THOUGH.]  We now sell more products made in America to the rest of the world than ever before. [BUT IF WE FORCE BUSINESSES TO CLOSE DOWN FOR NOT BUYING MY ABORTION INSURANCE, THAT’LL COME TO A HALT QUICK.] Our exports are way up. [ESPECIALLY WEAPON SALES TO EGYPT AND SYRIA.] We produce more renewable energy than ever before, more natural gas than anybody else. [THOUGH I ADMIT IT WOULD BE MORE IF I STOPPED BLOCKING KEYSTONE.’ Health care costs have been growing at the slowest [FASTEST] rate in 50 [250.] years. And our deficits are coming down [GOING UP] at the fastest rate in 60 years. [I’M THE MUHAMMED ALI OF GROWING DEBT; I’M THE GREATEST! I’M THE GREATEST!] So we’re making progress. [JUST LIKE PROGRESSIVES ARE MOVING THE COUNTRY BACKWARD.]

So thanks to the efforts of a lot of people like you, we’ve cleared away the rubble of the financial crisis. [I DIDN’T DO A DARN THING ABOUT IT, BUT THESE FOOLS WILL BELIEVE WHATEVER I SAY. THEY’RE EATIN’ UP THIS STUFF.] We’re starting to lay the foundation for more stable, more durable economic growth. [FOR EGYPT.]  But as any middle-class family will tell you, we’re not yet where we need to be. [… NOT UNTIL WE GET THIS GUY OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE. AND NOT UNTIL WE, TOO, CAN TAKE DOZENS OF MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR VACATIONS EVERY YEAR.] Because even before the crisis hit, we had lived through a decade where a few at the top were doing better and better, but most families were working harder and harder just to get by.

And reversing this trend should be — must be — Washington’s highest priority. It’s my highest priority.  [RIGHT AFTER BASKETBALL, GOLF, VACATIONS, AND BEER SUMMITS.] I want to make sure that in America, it doesn’t matter what you look like, where you come from, [UNLESS YOU’RE A CAUCASIAN LATIN MAN DEFENDING YOUR LIFE] who you love [IN BATH HOUSES AND BEHIND PARK BUSHES] — you should be able to make it when you try. You should be able to make it.  [DESPITE THE OBSTACLES MY GI-NORMOUS GOVERNMENT IS PLACING IN YOUR WAY.]


And that’s why I’m traveling around, laying out my ideas for how we have to build the cornerstones of what it means to be middle class: [LOWER CLASS IS THE NEW MIDDLE CLASS] a good job with good wages [FOR 20 HOURS A WEEK, 3 MONTHS A YEAR JOBS]; a home to call your own [WHICH OUR PRYING, SPYING EYES ARE PEERING INTO EVERMORE]; a good education [SOCIALIST INDOCTRINATION]; [UN]affordable health care that’s there for you when you get sick [AS LONG AS YOU DON’T MIND WAITING AN EXTRA 4 MONTHS FOR, OR AN OCCASIONAL DENIAL; OR POSSIBLY A BETTER PRESCRIPTION – HOSPICE]; a secure retirement even if you’re not rich [LIKE ME]; the opportunity — the ladders of opportunity for people to earn their way into the middle class, to work their way out of poverty [THOUGH I HAVE MORE CONTROL OVER THEM IF THEY ARE LIVING ON FOOD STAMPS]. Those are the elements that I think all of us believe in, but right now we’re [I’M] not delivering as much as we should on those promises.

Now, last Tuesday, I went to Tennessee to talk about the first cornerstone, which is how do we make sure that we’re creating good middle-class jobs here in the United States of America. [LIKE BILL CLINTON DID: SANDWICH-MAKING AND THE LIKE] Today I’ve come to Phoenix to talk about the second component, which is the most tangible cornerstone that lies at the heart of the American Dream, at the heart of middle-class life — and that’s the chance to own your own home.  The chance to own your own home. [WHICH THANKS TO ME, MORE AMERICANS ARE RENTING THAN EVER BEFORE].

We’ve got a lot of young people here who are thinking about college, they’re going to get a higher education, they’re going to find a job, [UNLIKE SO MANY RECENT GRADUATES WHO CAN’T FIND A JOB IN MY ECONOMY AND ARE STILL STUCK WITH THE HIGH COST OF REPAYING COLLEGE LOANS.] they’re going to find somebody they love, they’re going to want to own a home. [AT LEAST BY THE TIME THEY’RE 40 AND PAID OFF SOME OF THOSE LOANS.] And the reason they will is because a home is the ultimate evidence that here in America, hard work pays off, that responsibility is rewarded. [THOUGH SUCCESS AND ACHIEVEMENT ARE FROWNED UPON BY MY FELLOW PROGRESSIVE TRAVELERS. IT’S NOT FAIR THAT SOMEBODY’S SUCCESSFUL, SOMEBODY ELSE ISN’T, SO NO ONE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BE SUCCESSFUL. NOBODY ACTUALLY WORKS HARD, THEY JUST TOOK ADVANTAGE OF POOR FOLKS.]

I think about my grandparents’ generation. When my [COMMUNIST-LOVING] grandfather served in World War II, he fought in Patton’s Army — when he got back, this country gave him a chance to go to college on the G.I. Bill, but it also gave him the chance to buy his first home with a loan from the FHA. To him, and to generations of Americans before and since, a home was more than just a house. It was a source of pride and a source of security. It was a place to raise [COMMUNIST] kids, to put down roots [FIRST IN WASHINGTON, THEN IN HAWAII]; a place where you could build up savings for college, or to start a business, or to retire with some security. [AND HANG OUT WITH GOOD COMMIE FRIENDS LIKE FRANK.]

And buying a home required responsibility on everybody’s part. [EXCEPT FOR THOSE FOLKS WHO WON’T HAVE TO PAY MORTGAGE OR BUY THEIR OWN CELL PHONES.] You had to save up to buy a home. [BACK IN THE DAY.] And then [EVIL CAPITALIST] banks were supposed to give you a fair deal, with terms you could understand, [BUT NO ONE SHOULD BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE ANYMORE] and buyers were supposed to live within their means and make sure that they could make their payments. [THANKS TO ME, YOUR LENDER CAN’T HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE, YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE ALL YOUR PAYMENTS … AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY YOUR CREDIT CARD DEBT ANYMORE!] So in that earlier generation, houses weren’t for flipping around, they weren’t for speculation — houses were to live in, and to build a life with. [GOVERNMENT DIDN’T INTRUDE INTO YOUR LIVES THEN LIKE MINE DOES NOW.]

And unfortunately, over time, responsibility too often gave way to recklessness. [OR ENABLING BY BIG GOVERNMENT.] You had reckless lenders [UNDER THE COERCION OF BIG GOVERNMENT DEMOCRATS, LIKE MY GOOD FRIENDS BARNEY FRANK AND FRANKLIN RAINES] who sold loans to people they knew couldn’t afford them. [SO THEY WOULDN’T COME UNDER THE STRONG HAND OF THE FEDS FORCING THEM TO MAKE THESE BAD LOANS] And let’s face it, we also had some reckless buyers who knew they couldn’t afford them and still took out loans. [BUT THEY WERE VICTIMS OF THE FORCES OF SOCIETY AND NOT REALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR CIRCUMSTANCES] And all this created a housing bubble. [MY FRIENDS AND I LOVE TO BLOW BUBBLES!] And especially in some places like Arizona, it was devastating when that bubble finally burst — triggered a recession [RAHM AND I SAY YOU SHOULD NEVER LET A GET CRISIS GO TO WASTE, AND YOU SHOULD ALWAYS COME UP WITH THE WORST POSSIBLE SOLUTION FOR IT.]. Millions of Americans who had done everything right were hurt badly by the actions of other [DEMOCRAT] people. Housing prices plummeted. [BUT SOME OF US WALKED OFF WITH GOLDEN PARACHUTES FROM FANNIE AND FREDDIE!]

By the time I took office, home values had fallen almost 20 percent from the year before. [WHEN I WAS SABOTAGING THE HOUSING MARKET AS A U.S. SENATOR.] New housing starts had fallen nearly 80 percent from their peak. Hundreds of thousands of construction workers had lost their jobs. A record number of people were behind on their mortgage payments. And a lot of people here in Phoenix, they saw that devastation. This was part of Ground Zero for the housing bubble bursting. [AND THAT’S WHY ARIZONA IS A REDSTATE THAT NEVER GAVE ME A SINGLE ELECTORAL VOTE! BUT I MADE THEM PAY BY SUING THEM FREQUENTLY.]

So less than a month after I took office, I came here to Arizona and I laid out steps to stabilize the housing market and help responsible homeowners get back on their feet. [MOST PEOPLE SAW THROUGH IT AND REALIZED IT WOULDN’T AND COULDN’T HELP THEM.] And the truth is it’s been a long, slow process. The housing market is so big that it was going to take some time to heal when it got hurt that badly. [JUST AS WE PLANNED IT; MORE PEOPLE ON WELFARE AND FOOD STAMPS, MORE PEOPLE UNDER GOVERNMENT CONTROL.] It’s taken longer than any of us would like. [I’M SO GREAT AT NON-SHOVEL READY PROJECTS.] But during that time, we helped millions of Americans save an average of $3,000 each year by refinancing at lower rates. We helped millions of responsible homeowners stay in their homes, [I LOVE THROWING AROUND THAT WORD “MILLIONS” WHETHER IT’S TRUE OR NOT!]which was good for their neighbors because you don’t want a bunch of foreclosure signs in your neighborhood. [NOR DID YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME AND PROGRESSIVE BUDDIES SABOTAGING THE HOUSING MARKET AND LOWERING THE VALUE OF YOUR HOME.]

Where Congress wouldn’t act, [THANKS TO US DEMOCRATS STONEWALLING REPUBLICANS WHO WARNED ABOUT THE BUBBLE BURSTING SO WE COULD MANAGE THE IMPENDING CRISIS] we went ahead and acted, [AFTER SO MANY AMERICANS SUFFERED AND IT’S TAKING THEM YEARS TO REJUVENATE THEIR CREDIT RATING] so over the past few years, we had the Department of Justice stand up for buyers who had been discriminated against or conned by predatory lending. [OR GREED ON WALL STREET, AS I NORMALLY BLAME IT ON, EITHER THEY WE CAUSED THE DAMAGE OURSELVES] And we won a settlement that gave more money to victims of discrimination in one year than in the previous 23 years combined. [IT’S GREAT TO APPOINT JUDGES WHO ARE ON MY SIDE.]

We worked with states to force big banks to repay more than $50 billion to more than 1.5 million families — largest lending settlement in history. [I HATE THOSE BIG CAPITALIST BANKS, BUT I ENJOY APPOINTING WALL STREET BANKERS TO MY CABINET.] We extended the time that folks who had lost their jobs could delay their payment on their mortgages while they kept looking for work. [WE TOLD THOSE CAPITALIST COMPANIES THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR PROFITS, EVEN IF IT CAUSED MANY OF THEM TO CLOSE THEIR DOORS.] We cracked down [ARE CONTINUING] on the bad practices that led to the crisis in the first place [TO KEEP THISE COOL CRISIS ROLLING, SO I CAN KEEP MILKING A GOOD CRISIS FOR ALL IT’S WORTH. I’M GONNA MAKE EVERY LENDER MAKE MORE BAD LOANS AND COMPLETELY DESTROY THE MIDDLE CLASS]. I mean, you had some loans back there in the bubble that were called “liar’s loan.” Now, something that’s called a liar’s loan is probably a bad idea.  [AND BELIEVE ME, I KNOW A BAD IDEA WHEN I INVENT ONE!]

So because of all these [TRULY BAAAAAAD] actions we’ve been taking, our housing market is beginning to heal. Home prices are rising at the fastest pace in seven years. Sales are up nearly 50 percent. [WELL ACTUALLY MORE AMERICANS ARE RENTING THAN EVER BEFORE BECAUSE THEY CAN’T GET A LOAN OR REVIVE THEIR CREDIT RATING.] Construction is up nearly 75 percent. [FACT CHECK? WHO CARES ABOUT THE TRUTH.] New foreclosures are down by nearly two-thirds. [WE EVENTUALLY RUN OUT OF SPENDING OTHER PEOPLE’S MONEY AND WE RUN OUT OF HOMES TO FORECLOSE ON.] Millions of [HOME-RENING] families have been able to come up for air [KNOWING THAT AT THEIR AGE THEY WILL NEVER LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO PAY OFF A MORTGAGE WHEN THEY CAN QUALIFY FOR A HOME LOAN AGAIN] — they’re no longer underwater on their mortgages. [BUT THEY ARE KEEPING UP ON THEIR RENT.]

And just like the crisis hit Phoenix very hard, thanks to some great leadership [PURCHASES BY PROSPECTIVE LENDERS AND HOME FLIPPERS] here locally, Phoenix has also led one of the biggest comebacks in the country.  [THANKS TO THE STIMULUS MONEY I SENT TO ARIZONA’S CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT 15, WHICH DOESN’T EVEN REALLY EXIST!] So you should be proud of what you’ve done here. Home prices in Phoenix have risen by nearly 20 percent over the last year. New home sales are up by more than 25 percent. [THOUGH ONLY A FRACTION OF THOSE SALES ARE TO FAMILIES.]

This morning, right before I came here, I visited Erickson Construction —  We’ve got some Erickson folks here. And they were explaining how right when the bubble hit, Erickson shrank to less than a hundred workers. Today they’re employing 580 people — and they’re hiring even more people — (applause) — because the housing market is bouncing back. [DESPITE MY OVERLY BURDENSOME BIG GOVERNMENT POLICIES WHICH HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.]

So that’s one of the things about housing. It’s not just important for the person who owns the house; our economy is so impacted by everything that happens in housing. [AND BY EXCESSIVELY BIG GOVERNMENT AND BAD FEDERAL FISCAL POLICY.] Consumers feel better when their home values are in a better place, so they’re more willing to spend. A lot of people who want to start a business, their savings may be locked up in their house. Construction workers, contractors, suppliers, carpet makers, all these folks are impacted by the housing industry. [AND IF YOU DRIVE THROUGH THE PHOENIX AREA, YOU’LL SEE MANY EMPTY BUSINESS PLACES THAT CLOSED DURING THE DEMOCRAT-MANUFACTURED ECONOMIC DISASTER.]

So we’ve made progress, [IF YOU CONSIDER MINISCULE ECONOMIC GROWTH PROGRESS] and that’s helped to move the economy forward. [BACKWARD IS THE NEW FORWARD.] But we’ve got to build on this [MYTHICAL] progress. We’re not where we need to be yet. [AGAIN, IT’S ANOTHER NOT SHOVEL-READY THING.] We’ve got to give more hardworking Americans the chance to buy their first home. [WHILE MORE OF THEM ARE ON FOOD STAMPS. AND WHILE MANY OF THEM HAVE JUST PLAIN GIVEN UP ON FINDING A NEW JOB.] We have to help more responsible homeowners refinance their mortgages [READ PRESSURE LENDERS TO GIVE UP ALL HOPES OF PROFITING], because a lot of them still have a spread between the rates they’re paying right now on their mortgage and what they could be getting if they were able to refinance. [NOTHING LIKE THE SELF-ACTUALIZATION HOME-OWNERS FEEL FROM GOVERNMENT-FORCED FINANCING, EXTING THE LENGTH OF THEIR MORTGAGES.]

And we’ve got to turn the page on this kind of bubble-and-bust mentality that helped to create this mess in the first place [WE’VE GOT TO STOP GIVING POWER TO DEMOCRATS].  We got to build a housing system that is durable and fair and rewards responsibility for generations to come.  [WE’VE GOT TO KEEP DEMOCRATS’ HANDS OFF THE FREE MARKET.] That’s what we’ve got to do. [AT OUR OWN PERIL.]

So I’ve already put forward a bunch of [BAAAAD] ideas that will [NEVER] help accomplish that. And, look, the fact of the matter is Congress hasn’t enacted all of them, [TELLS YOU THEY MUST NOT BE SUCH HOT IDEAS IF THE REPUBLICANS ARE PROTECTING YOU FROM THEM] so I’d like you to encourage members of Congress to take some of these actions.

But like the other actions that we’ve taken, these will not help the neighbors down the street who bought a house that they couldn’t afford, and then walked away from it and left a foreclosed home behind. We don’t want to help speculators who bought multiple homes just to make a quick buck. [EVEN THOUGH WE CREATED A BONANZA FOR SPECULATORS, FORCING MORE AMERICANS TO RENT.]

What we want to do is put forward ideas that will help millions of responsible, middle-class homeowners who still need relief. [THOSE WOULD BE THE REPUBLICANS’ IDEAS.] And we want to help hardworking Americans who dream of owning their own home fair and square, have a down payment, are willing to make those payments, understand that owning a home requires responsibility. [OR AN OPPORTUNITY FOR BIG GOVERNMENT TO INTERFERE WITH THE MARKET AND MAKE MATTERS WORSE.] And there are some immediate actions we could take right now that would help on that front, that would make a difference. So let me just list a couple of them. [LISTEN TO ME, EVEN THOUGH MY TRACK RECORD IS HORRIBLE.]

Number one: Congress should pass a good, bipartisan [DEMOCRAT] idea to allow every homeowner the chance to save thousands of dollars a year by refinancing their mortgage at today’s rates. [BUT HONEST LENDERS WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO EARN A FAIR PROFIT FROM.] We need to get that done. We’ve been talking about it for a year and a half, two years, three years. There’s no reason not to do it.  [UNLESS THERE IS A CRISIS WE CAN PUT TO GOOD USE.]

Step number two: Now that we’ve made it harder for reckless buyers to buy homes that they can’t afford, [BY ONCE AGAIN PRESSURING LENDERS TO MAKE HIGH-RISK LOANS] let’s make it a little bit easier for qualified buyers [WE’LL LOWER THE REQUIREMENTS FOR DEFINING “QUALIFIED BUYERS”] to buy the homes that they can [OR CAN’T] afford.  So Shaun Donovan has been working with the finance industry to make sure we’re simplifying overlapping regulations; we’re cutting red tape for responsible families who want to get a mortgage but keep getting rejected by the banks [WHO DON’T WANT TO REPEAT THE MISTAKES THE GOVERNMENT PRESSURED THEM TO MAKE IN THE PAST. We need to give well-qualified Americans who lost their jobs during the crisis a fair chance to get a loan if they’ve worked hard to repair their credit. [HOW THEY’LL GET LOANS IF THEY’VE GIVEN UP ON A JOB IS BEYOND ME.]

And step three is something that you don’t always hear about when it comes to the housing market, and that is fixing our broken immigration system. It would actually help our housing market. [BY OPENING UP THE BORDERS AND PUTTING MORE FOREIGNERS ON WELFARE AND A FAST TRACK TO SWELLING THE DEMOCRATS’ VOTER ROLLS.]

It’s pretty simple: When more people buy homes and play by the rules, home values go up for everybody.  [AND BY BRINGING IN MORE JOBLESS PEOPLE OUR HOME VALUES WILL MAGICALLY INCREASE SOMEHOW, MAYBE BY WISHFUL THINKING. And according to one recent study [WHICH HAS BEEN EXPOSED AS FLAWED], the average homeowner has already seen the value of their home boosted by thousands of dollars just because of immigration [EVEN THOUGH THESE FOLKS ARE LIVING IN THE SHADOWS AND NOT PAYING TAXES.]. And the good news is, with the help of your [RINO] Senators, John McCain and Jeff Flake, the Senate has already passed a bipartisan immigration bill. It’s got the support of CEOs and labor and law enforcement [WHO BENEFIT GREATLY BY DUMPING MIDDLE-CLASS AMERICANS AND HIRING DIRT-CHEAP LABOR.]  This could help homeownership here. [NOT.]

So I want you to encourage Republicans in the House of Representatives to stop dragging their feet [TO STOP PROTECTING YOU]. Let’s go ahead and get this done. [TO HELP ME KEEP A GOOD CRISIS GOING.]

Step number four: We should address the uneven recovery by rebuilding the communities hit the hardest by the housing crisis, including many right here in Arizona. Let’s put construction back — construction workers back to work repairing rundown homes [LIKE THOSE IN THE CITY OF DETROIT THAT I SAVED], tearing down vacant properties so that the value of homes in those surrounding [BLIGHTED] areas start picking up. We can put [GOVERNMENT-EMPLOYED people [WHO WILL NEED INCREASED TAXES FOR US TO PAY] to work right now and improve the remaining housing stock that’s out there.  Places that are facing a longer road back from the crisis should have their country’s help to get back on their feet.

Step five: We should make sure families that don’t want to buy a home or can’t yet afford to buy one still have a decent place to rent.  [WHY THEY WOULDN’T WANT TO BUY – GIVEN MY INCREDIBLE RECOVERY PROGRAM – IS BEYOND ME.] It’s important for us to encourage homeownership, but a lot of people rent and there’s nothing wrong with renting. [WHILE THE GOVERNMENT INTERFERENCE WITH THE HOUSING MARKET CAUSES YOUR DREAM OF HOME OWNERSHIP TO FLOAT AWAY DOWN THE STREAM.] And we got to make sure that we are creating affordable opportunities when it comes to rental properties. [I CAN’T WAIT TO GET WASHINGTON INVOLVED IN HOME RENTALS, TOO! NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR PROPERTY OWNERS TO MAKE A PROFIT ON HOME RENTALS.]

In the run-up to the crisis, banks and governments too often made everybody feel like they had to own a home, [AT LAST! A SHRED OF TRUTH ABOUT GOVERNMENT COMPLICITY IN THE HOUSING DISASTER!] even if they weren’t ready and didn’t have the payments. That’s a mistake we should not repeat. [SO WHY I AM PUSHING FOR IT ALL OVER AGAIN?] Instead, let’s invest in affordable rental housing. [YES! LET’S CAUSE A RENTAL BUBBLE BURST AND FINALLY GET CONTROL OVER EVERYONE!] Let’s bring together cities and states to address local barriers that drive up rents for working families. [EVERYONE EVERYWHERE WILL HAVE THE SAME RENT RATES SET BY WASHINGTON! IT’S THE NEW AMERICAN DREAM!]

So if we help more Americans refinance their homes, if we help qualified families get a mortgage, we reform our immigration system, we rebuild the hardest-hit communities, we make sure that folks have a decent place to rent if they’re not yet able to buy — all these steps will give more middle-class families the chance to either buy their own home now or eventually buy their own home. [ I HOPE THEY DON’T REALIZE I’M TALKING OUT OF ALL 6 SIDES OF MY MOUTH HERE. I LOVE TALKING IN CIRCLES TO CONFUSE THE HECK OUT OF PEOPLE!]  It’s going to give more relief to responsible homeowners. It gives more options to families who aren’t yet ready to buy. All that is going to improve the housing market and will improve the economy. [HOW? I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT IT SURE SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.]

But — and this is the last key point I want to make — as home prices rise, we can’t just re-inflate another housing bubble. [OH YES I CAN! JUST WATCH ME!] I hope everybody here in Arizona learned some hard lessons from what happened. Housing prices generally don’t just keep on going up forever at the kind of pace it was going up. It was crazy. [SO I AM PRAYING TO ALLAH FOR ANOTHER DOOZIE OF A HOUSING BURST!] So what we want to do is something stable and steady. [LIKE BIG GOVERNMENT INTERFERENCE WITH THE MARKET ONCE AGAIN.] And that’s why I want to lay a rock-solid [SINKING SAND] foundation to make sure the kind of crisis we went through never happens again [UNTIL LATER TODAY]. We’ve got to make sure it doesn’t happen again. [ALWAYS BELIEVE JUST THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I SAY.]

And one of the key things to make sure it doesn’t happen again is to wind down these companies that are not really government, but not really private sector — they’re known as Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. For too long, these companies were allowed to make huge profits buying mortgages, knowing that if their bets went bad, taxpayers would be left holding the bag. It was “heads we win, tails you lose.” [FORTUNATELY, HEADS CAME UP FOR ME, BARNEY, FRANKLIN AND OTHERS AND WE CLEANED UP WITH HUGE  WINDFALLS FOR DOING ESSENTIALLY NOTHING BUT HOLDING OUT OUR GREEDY HANDS.] And it was wrong. [FOR OTHERS, BUT NOT FOR ME.] And along with what happened on Wall Street, [GOOD OLE   WALL STREET, MY FAVORITE WHIPPING BOY … UNTIL I HAVE OPENINGS IN MY CABINET] it helped to inflate this bubble in a way that ultimately killed Main Street. [I’VE STATED THIS SO OFTEN I AM STARTING TO BELIEVE IT.]

So the good news is, right now there’s a bipartisan group of senators working to end Fannie and Freddie as we know them. And I support these kinds of [NON]reform efforts. And they’re following four core principles for what I believe this reform should look like.  [THEN WE’LL DETROY THE RECORDS THEY KEPT ON GIVING ME AND MY FRIENDS HUGE SUMS OF MONEY.]

First, private capital should take a bigger role in the mortgage market. [EVEN THOUGH AMERICANS HAVE LESS DISPENSALE INCOME.] I know that sounds confusing to folks who call me a socialist — I think I saw some posters there on the way in. [I PUT IN A CALL TO THE IRS TO HAVE THEM INVESTIGATED WHILE I WAS WAITING TO BE INTRODUCED.] But I actually believe in the free market [WHEN IT SUITS ME, AS IT DID WITH MY FANNIE/FREDDIE WINDFALL AND GETTING MY HANDS ON GM MONEY]. And just like the health care law that we put in place, Obamacare — which, by the way, if you don’t have health insurance or you’re buying it at exorbitant [LOWER] rates on the individual market, starting on October 1st, you can join a marketplace and be part of a pool that gives you much lower [HIGHER] premiums, saves [COSTS] you a lot of [MORE] money.

But in the same way that what we did with health care was to set up clear rules for insurance companies to protect [HARM] consumers [ESPECIALLY SENIORS WHO CAN TAKE PAIN PILLS INSTEAD OF RUNNING UP HIGH GOVERNMENT INSURANCE COSTS], make it more [LESS] affordable, but still built on the private marketplace, [GOVERNMENT IS THE NEW PRIVATE.]  I believe that our housing system should operate where there’s a limited government role and private lending should be the backbone of the housing market. And that includes, by the way, community-based lenders [THE WASHINGTON COMMUNITY] who view their borrowers not as a number, but as a neighbor. So that’s one principle. [BUT I DON’T ACTUALLY ACT ON ANY PRINCIPLES THAT DON’T BENEFIT ME PERSONALLY.]

A second principle is we can’t leave taxpayers on the hook for irresponsibility or bad decisions by some of these lenders or [MY DEAR FRIENDS AT] Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac.  We’ve got to encourage the pursuit of [GOVERNMENT] profit, but the era of expecting a bailout after you pursue your profit and you don’t manage your risk well — well, that puts the whole country at risk. And we’re ending those days. We’re not going to do that anymore. [BELIEVE IT WHEN YOU SEE IT.]

The third principle is we should preserve access to safe and simple mortgage products like the 30-year, fixed-rate mortgage. That’s something families should be able to rely on when they’re making the most important purchase of their lives. [IF I CAN GET MORE GOVERNMENT CONTROL OVER THE HOUSING MARKET AND HAVE YOU ON THE HOOK FOR 30 YEARS OF MORTGAGE INTEREST, RATHER THAN 15, THE BETTER.]

Number four, we’ve got to keep housing affordable for first-time homebuyers — like all these young people. [WHICH TIES INTO GOVERNMENT-FORCED HIGH-RISK/LOW-RETURN LOANS.] When they’re ready to buy a house, we’ve [WASHINGTON IS ALWAYS THE ANWER] got to make sure it’s affordable. Families who are working to climb their way into the middle class, we’ve got to do what we can to make housing affordable. [MAKING THE CASE FOR MORE GOVERNMENT-PRESSURED BAD LOANS.] And that means we’ve got to strengthen the FHA [WITH MORE OF YOUR TAX MONEY] so it gives today’s families the same kind of chance it gave my grandparents to buy a home, and it preserves those rungs on the ladder of opportunity.

And we’ve got to support, as I said, affordable rental housing. [THIS TIME, I HOPE THEY ARE STILL LISTENING AND ACTUALLY BELIEVE ME.] And, by the way, we’ve also got to keep up our fight against homelessness.  [YES, TAXPAYER-FUNDED, THREE-BEDROOM HOMES FOR THE HOMELESS, ALONG WITH FOOD STAMPS, LOW MORTGAGES, AND FREE CELLPHONES.’]The Mayor of Phoenix has been doing a great job here in Phoenix on that front. [THEN WHY ARE THERE STILL HOMELESS PEOPLE IN PHOENIX?] We’ve got to continue to improve it.  [OR START HELPING THEM, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.]

Since I took office, we helped bring one in four homeless veterans off the streets. [FACT CHECKERS, ARISE!] We should be proud of that. Here in Phoenix, thanks to the hard work of everyone from Mayor Stanton to the local United Way to US Airways, you’re on track to end chronic homelessness for veterans, period, by 2014. [SOCIALIST UTOPIA IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER!]

But we’ve got to keep going, because nobody in America, and certainly no veteran, should be left to live on the streets. [AND THAT’S WHY I LOWERED BENEFITS FOR MILITARY FOLKS.]

So here’s the bottom line: Put all these [CONVOLUTED SOCIALIST MUMBO JUMBO] principles together, that’s going to protect [CONTINUE TO ERODE] our entire economy and it will improve the housing market not just here in Phoenix, but throughout the state and throughout the country. [JUST AS SOON AS A PRESIDENT WITH KNOWLEDGE OF ECONOMIC PRINCIPLES ARRIVES AT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE AND INSTITUTES REAL MEANINGFUL POLICIES.]

We’re also going to need to make sure, though, that we’re protecting individual homeowners. [EVEN THOUGH I SAID WE’VE ALREADY DONE THAT.] We’ve got to give them the [GOVERNMENT] tools that [DO IT ALL FOR THEM] they can protect themselves. So we’ve got a Consumer Finance Protection Bureau that we created.  [WITH MORE OPPORTUNITY FOR GOVERNMENT WASTE AND FRAUD.] And it’s laying down new [MORE GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRACY] rules of the road [TO INTERFERE MORE IN THE LIVES OF AMERICANS] that everybody can count on when they’re shopping for a mortgage. They’re designing a new, simple mortgage form that will be in plain English, so you can actually read it without a lawyer — although, you may still want a lawyer obviously [TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE GOVERNMENT]. I’m not saying you don’t. I’m just saying you’ll be able to read it. [EVEN THOUGH MY FOLKS IN CONGRESS DON’T ALWAYS READ IMPORTANT LANGUAGE, LIKE GOVERNMENT HEALTHCARE LAW. IN FACT, DON’T READ IT. JUST SIGN AT THE BOTTOM SO YOU CAN THEN FIND OUT WHAT IS IN IT.] There won’t be a lot of fine print. [AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT, I’LL SELL YOU THE BROOKLYNBRIDGE.] That way you know before you owe. [DON’T BET THE FAMILY FARM ON THIS!]

And the Senate finally confirmed Richard Cordray as the head of this — head watchdog [ANOTHER EASYGUY FOR ME TO CONTROL TO DO WHAT I WANT HIM TO] for the CFPB [I HOPE THEY ALL FORGET WHAT THIS ACRONYM STANDS FOR].  So he’s out there aggressively protecting consumers and homeowners. [BUYERS, RUN FOR IT WHEN HE SAYS: “I’M HERE FROM THE GOVERNMENT, AND I’M HERE TO HELP.”]

When it comes to some of the other leaders we need to look out for the American people, the Senate still has a job to do. Months ago, I nominated a man named Mel Watt to be our nation’s top housing regulator. [BUYERS, BE WARY OF THIS MAN. DO YOU REALLY WANT HIM OR ANYONE FROM GOVERNMENT GETTING BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR REALTOR AND LENDER?] He is an outstanding member of Congress. And during that time, he was on the Housing Committee — worked with banks, worked with borrowers to protect consumers, to help responsible lenders provide credit. He is the right person for the job [TO PRESSURE LENDERS TO MAKE MORE HIGH-RISK LOANS]. Congress and the Senate should give his nomination an up or down vote without any more obstruction or delay. We don’t have time for those kinds of games. [I KNOW ABOUT GAMES; I PLAY THEM EVERY DAY, AND I LIKE TO WIN THEM. IN FACT, THAT’S WHY I’M IN ARIZONA TODAY, TO GET YOUR SUPPORT FOR MORE FAILED SOCIALIST GAMES.]

So I want to be honest with you. [FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY TIME AS YOUR PRESIDENT.] No program or policy is going to solve all the problems in a multi-trillion dollar housing market. The housing bubble [WE CAUSED] went up so high, the heights it reached before it burst were so unsustainable, that we knew it was going to take some time for us to fully recover. [OR ACTUALLY DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN BEFORE RECOVERY]. But if we take the steps that I talked about today, then I know we will restore not just our home values, but also our common values. [FAT CHANCE. CAN ANYONE ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE OF HIS JUMBLED MESSAGE?] We’ll make owning a home a symbol of responsibility [GOVERNMENT INVOLVEMENT], not speculation — a source of security for [NO] generations to come, just like it was for my grandparents [WHO BOUGHT HOMES WHEN PRICES WERE LOW AND THE GOVERNMENT DIDN’T INTERFERE WITH THE MARKET AND CAUSE A DISASTROUS BUBBLE WAITING TO BURST]. I want it to be just like that for all the young people who are here today and their children and their grandchildren. [THERE’S SOMETHING IN THIS FOR ME; OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T BE HERE PRETENDING TO CARE ABOUT YOU, OTHER THAN YOUR VOTE.]

And if we stay focused on middle-class security and opportunities to get into [GET BIGGER GOVERNMENT MITTS ON] the middle class, if we take the [GOOFY] strategy [DESTINED TO FAIL] that I’m laying out for the entire economy [GOD HELP US]– for jobs and housing and education, health care, retirement, creating ladders of opportunity [TALKING A REAL GOOD GAME WITH NO SUBSTANCE] — then we will secure that better bargain for WASHINGTON BUREAUCRATS, DEMOCRATS, AND ALL WHO STAND TO PROFIT HANDSOMELY AT THE EXPENSE OF] all Americans [TAXPAYERS], where hard work is once again rewarded [MY FELLOW PROGRESSIVES KNOW WE ARE NOT ABOUT HARD WORK OR ACHIEVEMENT, BUT ABOUT DEMONIZING THOSE WHO WORK HARD AND ACHIEVE] with a shot at a middle-class life, which means more Americans will know the pride of that first paycheck. [HOW DID WE GO FROM HOME BUYING TO A FIRST PAYCHECK? IT TAKES A LOT MORE THAN ONE PAYCHECK TO GET A HOME LOAN.] More Americans will know the satisfaction of flipping the sign to “Open” on their own business. [UNLESS THEY DON’T BUY MY ABORTION INSURANCE AND IF THE FINES DON’T FORCE THEM TO CLOSE THEIR DOORS AND PUT MORE FAMILIES IN THE RANKS OF UNEMPLOYMENT.] More Americans [OR POSSIBLY A GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRAT] will know the joy of scratching the child’s [FOR THOSE WHO DON’T CONSIDER THEMSELVES “PUNISHED WITH A KID” — OR GOD FORBID, MULTIPLE CHILDREN!] height on the door of their new home — with pencil, of course.

We can do all this if we work together. [READ: IF YOU DO WHAT GOVERNMENT TELLS YOU TO DO.] And it won’t be easy. [YOU CAN’T DO MUCH OF ANYTHING ON YOUR OWN WITHOUT GOVERNMENT HELP.] But if we take just a few bold steps [MORE AND MORE INTRUSIVE GOVERNMENT] — and if Washington will just end the gridlock [REPUBLICANS WILL GIVE IN TO FAILED SOCIALIST POLICIES], set aside the slash-and-burn partisanship [THAT I SO DEARLY LOVE TO PRACTICE!] — actually try to solve problems [CREATE CRISES TO EXPLOIT WITH SOCIALIST SOLUTIONS] instead of scoring political points, our economy will grow stronger a year from now, five years from now, 10 years from now. [THAT’S WHAT I SAID LAST YEAR, THE YEAR BEFORE THAT, THE YEAR BEFORE THAT, AND ON AND ON.]

And as long as I’ve got the privilege to serve [CONTROL] as your President, that’s what I’m going to be fighting for.

Thank you very much, everybody. [SAYONARA, SUCKERS!] God [ALLAH] bless you.

Significant Drop in Arizona Abortions

By Cathi Herrod, Center for Arizona Policy

Arizona continues to be a national leader in the effort to protect the health and safety of women and preborn children – and the numbers prove it.

The Department of Health Services annual abortion report shows a 7.4% decrease in the number of abortions performed in Arizona in 2012 as compared to 2011. This is encouraging news to everyone who values life. It is also a testament to what the thriving pro-life movement in Arizona has been able to accomplish.

We are now seeing that through strategic public policy and a commitment to loving and serving women with crisis pregnancies, we can save lives.

While this is certainly an encouraging report, it is clear that the efforts to safeguard women and preborn children from the dangerous and deadly practices of the abortion industry are far from over.

The revelations of the atrocities in Dr. Kermit Gosnell’s abortion clinic, along with the recent Live Action undercover video at the late-term Phoenix abortion clinic Family Planning Associates prove that we still have a long way to go to ensure that every life is protected and respected.

Snowden Asylum Irks Administration

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent NewsA Satirical Look at Recent News

Russia’s decision to grant a temporary one-year asylum to NSA whistle blower Edward Snowden was described as “unfortunate” and “extremely disappointing” by Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney.

Carney contrasted “Russia’s uncooperative stance with FDR’s extraordinarily accommodating attitude toward the repatriation of millions of unwilling refugees from the Soviet Union after World War II. FDR knew that these refugees didn’t want to go back. Many faced torture, imprisonment in the Gulag, and execution. He could have balked for humanitarian reasons. But his personal sense of obligation to Stalin overrode his qualms.”

“Now with the roles reversed, Stalin’s heirs won’t even return one man to us,” Carney complained. “Where’s their sense of honor? We tried to make it easy on them by promising not to torture or kill Snowden. It’s as if they don’t trust us. It’s a slap in the face to the whole ‘reset button’ strategy initiated by this Administration.”

Gaining permission to remain in Russia is considered a major setback for the Obama Administration’s efforts to settle accounts with Snowden. It is one of the few places where the Administration would likely be reluctant to exercise its option to order him taken out via a drone strike. However, Snowden’s possible removal via covert extraction or assassination is an option that cannot be ruled out.

Congress Gains Exemption from Obamacare’s Higher Costs

Under the Affordable Care Act, members of Congress and their staffs are slated to lose their gold-plated, Federal Employees Health Benefits Program (FEHBP) and be forced to purchase coverage from one of the insurance exchanges established by the Act. The prospect of having to live under the same law as ordinary citizens has sparked widespread fear and continuous griping from these lawmakers and their aides.

President Obama has heard their pitiful cries and arranged for the Office of Personnel Management to issue a regulation that will have the taxpayers pick up any costs over-and-above what these beneficiaries were paying under the FEHBP. Acting OPM Director Elaine Kaplan explained that “the tasks of governing the country are stressful enough without adding concerns over spiraling heath insurance costs to their plate. Freed from this stress, the members of Congress will be able to more dispassionately do their jobs.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised the OPM decision saying “the clause mandating that members of Congress participate in the program escaped notice at the time we passed the legislation. This OPM ruling fixes that oversight and will enable us to meet the law’s requirement that we enroll in the exchanges without having to face the kinds of increases in the cost of insurance that are being experienced elsewhere.”

In related news, employees at the IRS—chief enforcers of Obamacare—have also requested exemption from the law’s provisions. IRS chief Daniel Werfel contends that “as federal employees we have a right to affordable health insurance. If we’re forced to comply with the new law that won’t be possible.”

CIA Agents Warned on Benghazi

It is now reported that there were numerous CIA operatives on the ground in Benghazi during last year’s assault on the Consulate that killed Ambassador Stephens and three other Americans. Representative Frank Wolf (R-VA) contends that some of these operatives want to testify, but have been intimidated into silence.

According to CNN reporter Drew Griffin, the Agency has implemented a full-court-press of monthly polygraph tests aimed at finding out if anyone has been talking to the media or Congress. Talkers reportedly have been threatened with termination or worse.
Several have been reminded that their families’ safety could be at risk.

While he would neither confirm nor deny the CNN report, CIA spokesman Dean Boyd emphasized the importance of controlling access to critical information. “The United States has many enemies who would love to know what our Agency is up to in various parts of the world,” Boyd pointed out. “Keeping these people from finding out is absolutely essential. We cannot afford to be unduly squeamish about whatever methods prove necessary to ensure that vital secrets are not disclosed to unauthorized persons.”

Government Secrecy Becoming Pathological?

Chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee, Carl Levin (D-Mich) rejected a request from ProPublica for a copy of a Defense Department document listing the countries the United States is currently at war with. “Who we are at war with is a matter for the Government, not the general public,” Levin maintained. “Under the Constitution, war-making powers are vested in Congress and the President. We will decide what role others will play if and when it becomes necessary to do so.”

Concealing this information from the general public isn’t the only measure undertaken by the US Government. The US Army Brass has ordered all personnel to not read newspapers, access web sites, or view TV broadcasts that may reveal “secret” information.

“A crucial component of morale for US troops is the belief that America is the land of the free,” said Army Secretary John McHugh. “Certain reports in the media, like the ones indicating that the NSA is spying on ordinary citizens, tend to undermine morale. We can’t prevent civilians from obtaining this information, but we can surely make every effort to dissuade our soldiers from getting it.”

McHugh acknowledged that “there isn’t much we can do for military personnel posted outside of war zones. The opportunity to go off base when not on duty puts these individuals beyond our control. Thankfully, soldiers in the combat areas can be blocked from news that could breed doubts and disloyalty.”

Senator Labeled “Terrorist” by Pundit

During a recent broadcast, left-wing MSNBC commentator Chris Matthews labeled Senator Ted Cruz (R-Tex) a “terrorist.”

“Is there any sane person who wouldn’t find this man terrifying?” Matthews asked. “If he had his way he’d undo all the great work accomplished by President Obama. Obamacare would be gone! Taxes would be cut. Food stamps and disability payments would be curtailed forcing more people into the workforce. Progress toward social justice and equality would be pushed aside in a dangerous pursuit of economic growth.”

The proximate cause of Matthews’ latest outburst seemed to be Senator Cruz’s efforts to derail Obamacare by blocking its funding.

“Denying the Government the money it needs is more of a threat to this country than anything al-Qaeda could do. So, if we lock up al-Qaeda terrorists in Gitmo or take them out with missile strikes what should the President be willing to do to counter this greater danger?”

In related news, Administration officials rebuffed objections to its award of military procurement contracts to al-Qaeda linked organizations because according to Army spokesman George Wright, to do so “would violate due process. Until these organizations have been found guilty in a court of law they cannot be barred from competing to supply material to our troops.”

Mayor Outlines Sexual Harassment Defense

This past week, San Diego Mayor Bob Filner (D) sketched out the tenor of his defense against charges of sexual harassment.
Filner insists that since the allegations all relate to actions taken in his official role as Mayor, the cost of his defense must be born by the City’s taxpayers. “First of all, the citizens of San Diego put me in harm’s way by electing me as their Mayor,” Filner argued.

“Without that mantle of authority I wouldn’t have been in position to harass these women. Second, all of the incidents took place while I was ‘on-the-clock’ performing my assigned duties as Mayor.”

Without explicitly admitting that he fondled, groped, kissed or otherwise inappropriately made contact with any of his accusers, Filner’s lawyer asserted that he can’t be held responsible because he was never enrolled in the anti-harassment training routinely provided to other City employees.

“These City employees who are complaining against my client all had the advantage of participating in anti-sexual harassment classes,” said Harvey Berger, Fliner’s attorney. “Bob never had this training, so how could he be expected to know that his preferred methods of human interaction might violate the rules?”

Berger contends that “the real guilty party is the City itself” and that “Filner is also a victim of its negligence and is entitled to compensation for mental anguish and loss of reputation.”

Lewinsky Tape Vindicates Clinton

A newly discovered tape of a phone call from Monica Lewinsky to President Clinton is said to vindicate the contention that the former President was “the innocent victim of a sexual predator.”

On the tape the then 19-year-old White House intern can be heard offering to take her clothes off and hoping the President will “do what I want.”

“We said all along that Lewinsky was a stalker,” former First Lady Hillary Clinton said. “The emergence of this tape proves we were right. A youthful seductress lured an older man with a legendary reputation for kindness toward younger people into an inappropriate relationship. The nation owes us an apology.”

In related news, candidate for Comptroller of New York, Eliot Spitzer, asserted that Mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner’s latest sexting escapade disqualifies him. “A real man doesn’t send pictures of his privates over the phone,” Spitzer scoffed. “That’s what teenagers do. Voters want their public officials to be mature and substantial. If Weiner had gone to a prostitute or had an affair I think voters would respect that and have more confidence in him.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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