John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

In an interview with CNN, Senior White House Adviser Dan Pfeiffer asserted that House Republicans are “worse than suicide bombers. The damage done by a suicide bomber is normally confined to a few dozen. Even in the case of the World Trade Center attack the tally of victims was less than 3,000. The GOP’s efforts to defund the Affordable Care Act endangers the health and lives of millions.”

Pfeiffer labeled the GOP efforts as “the worst kind of extortion. They have forced the President and his allies in the Senate to try to counter this assault on the nation’s health with a threat to shut down the federal government. The President doesn’t want to order the military to stand down, furlough law-enforcement personnel and let criminals rule the streets, or cut off grandma’s Social Security checks, but that is what he’ll do to ensure that his signature legislation granting everyone health insurance goes forward.”

Senator Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) contends that “Republican resistance to the President’s agenda for America  is  dangerous. Not since the Civil War have we seen such radicalism from a so-called mainstream political party.” Harkin characterized House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) as a “latter day Thaddeus Stevens whose extreme views threaten the very fabric of the social compact that more responsible members of government accept.”

Former Obama car czar Steve Rattner called Republican opposition to raising the debt ceiling “terrorism, pure and simple. The idea that the federal government ought to be forced to live within a budget is out-dated and ignorant. The programs that the government funds are far more important than any possible alternative way in which these funds might be spent if left in the private sector. Forcing the government to cut back by even a few percent would have repercussions worse than 9/11.”

Ironically, in 2006, Senator Obama opposed raising the debt ceiling. He was not a terrorist because, according to Rattner, “Senator Obama was taking a stand against a malevolent Bush Administration. His efforts must be construed as an heroic attempt to thwart malicious policies. The same cannot be said for the opponents of the more benevolent aims of the Obama Administration. The two situations are as different as night and day.”

President Says Obamacare “Free Stuff” Offsets Higher Premiums

As the implementation date for the Affordable Care Act approaches, reports around the country portend an unpleasant trend toward higher prices for the mandated insurance. Rates double and triple those of plans that are now illegal under the new law are stunning individuals and families.

President Obama contends that the comparison of prices is unfair. “Previously, many of these plans were ‘bare bones’ policies that left out a lot of the services mandated by the new law,” Obama explained. “Under the Affordable Care Act people will be, as Speaker Pelosi says, ‘free to follow their passions.’ If this results in unwanted pregnancies, abortions will be pre-paid. It’s not inconceivable that a sexually active female would be able to enjoy medical services in excess of the extra few hundred dollars a month that she might have to pay.”

Obama speculated that his daughters would be among the young women likely to come out ahead and said that “I’m sure they would both be happy to enroll in the program if they didn’t already have a better plan.”

“I can’t really understand all, the complaining,” the President continued. “In America, people already lay out considerable sums of money for fancy cell phones, cable TV, cars, and vacations—all items of arguably less urgent need than appropriate health care, so I don’t think it’s out of line for the government to make an executive decision that shifting some of a person’s expenditures on frivolous spending toward medical care is for the greater good.”

Senator Argues that Cooperation Is Essential to Survival

Senator John McCain (R-Ariz) laid into his own party members for their “risky opposition to the Administration. Senator Cruz may imagine that he’s fighting for freedom with his high-profile display of defiance. He’s forgetting that ‘twisting the lion’s tail’ may have consequences he doesn’t foresee.”

“Let me remind all of my errant colleagues that we have passed laws that empower the President to have anyone he deems a threat to this nation incarcerated,” McCain pointed out. “Any one of us can be unceremoniously arrested and hauled off to Gitmo or some other place of confinement. There’d be no bail, no trial, no one would ever have to hear from us again. Is a futile attempt to stop Obamacare or limit the debt worth the risk?”

ACLU Charges Obamacare Violates Patients’ Rights to Sexual Privacy

After New York cardiologist Adam Budzikowski complained about new rules requiring him to query his heart patients about their sex lives, the New York chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union lodged a protest.

“Why must a cardiologist be force to compile a dossier on his patient’s sex history,” Budzikowski wanted to know. “I don’t need this information in order to treat my patients. I feel like they are turning me into a sort of Gestapo interrogator. If I don’t ask these invasive questions I’ll get fined by the IRS.”

US Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius defended the questions saying that “the struggle for a healthier America requires the full participation of everyone in the healthcare community. Every doctor must extract vital information. Every patient must cooperate by answering truthfully.”

“Under the Affordable Care Act the government is taking on the primary responsibility for maintaining the heath of every American,” Sebelius explained. “In order for us to be able to plan for the health needs of everyone—both in terms of laying out the appropriate therapies individuals will have to submit to and in terms of controlling the overall costs—we must know what risks people are taking. As a significant vector for several serious medical conditions, a person’s sexual behavior is pertinent information. No one can lawfully refuse to  supply it.”

Sebelius tried to reassure the ACLU that “all of this information will be safely stored in a secure government site and will only be accessed on an ‘as-needed basis’ by those duly authorized to do so.”

In related news, the thousands of Obamacare “navigators” being hired to implement the program’s heath insurance exchanges will not be required to pass a background check. “There simply isn’t enough time,” Sebelius said. “We weighed the possibility that persons with a criminal history might be hired and misuse confidential information as relatively minor and worth the risk.” Thus far, an estimated $67 million has apparently been stolen from the Obamacare implementation fund.

Sign Dispute Called “Clash of Inalienable Rights”

Resident of Somers, New York, John Gibson has had three yard signs promoting the Second Amendment right to bear arms stolen from his property. The latest theft was video taped by a hidden camera. Much to Gibson’s surprise a local police officer was revealed to be the culprit.

Mary Beth Murphy, an official from the Town of Somers, maintains that “the fact that the sign was on Mr. Gibson’s property doesn’t give him an unfettered right to inflict his opinions on others. The sign was intentionally placed so that its message could be seen from the street, which is public property. In effect, he was forcing people using the street to receive his message.”

“Forcing someone to receive your message violates their inalienable right to the liberty of being free from unwanted communications,” Murphy argued. “Now we understand that Mr. Gibson may feel that he has an inalienable right to freedom of expression, but when this right clashes with someone else’s right he can’t expect them to remain passive.”

Murphy contends that “the officer who tore down Mr. Gibson’s signs was acting in his capacity as a private citizen and had a right to oppose the views Mr. Gibson was trying to project onto public property. Since it would’ve been impractical for him to have stationed himself near the sign to offer an oral opposing view, tearing down the sign was his most logical alternative means of expressing his own views against gun violence.”

Iran Praises President Obama’s Respectful Tone

President Obama’s recent speech to the UN received praise from Iranian Deputy Foreign Minister Morteza Sarmadi. “It’s respectful tone was an important step toward improving relations between our two countries,” Sarmadi said.

The next step would be “the payment of the jizya,” Sarmadi added. “The US aid to the Muslim Brotherhood, al-Shabaab, and al-Qaeda is encouraging, but its ad hoc nature suggests that the US may consider it optional. As the Quran instructs, the payments must be regular and permanent. The payer must also feel himself subdued. It is plausible that President Obama himself may feel subdued, but it is by no means clear that all of the kafirs in the American Government, much less the population as a whole, can be construed as properly submissive.”

Former President Bush Urges Obama to Play More Golf

Former President George W. Bush chided those who criticize President Obama’s obsession with playing golf. “Considering all the ways he could be spending his time, golf would appear to pose the least risk for America,” Bush observed. “Those who truly love their country should hope that he never leaves the golf course.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The House of Representatives’ Friday vote to fund everything in government except Obamacare was labeled a “personal attack on me” by President Obama. “I think this is the first time in the nation’s 200-year plus history that a House of Congress has singled out one program for budget cuts just to diss a president.”

Obama dismissed out-of-hand the possibility that House Republicans might be genuinely responding to the public’s aversion to Obamacare (polls show a majority of Americans favor defunding the program). “People who oppose this crucial health care reform are just plain wrong,” the president insisted. “My staff and I have made a heroic effort to educate everyone on its benefits. Only willful ignorance or racism can explain the continued resistance to this gift we are trying to bestow.”

While President Obama may construe the Affordable Care Act as a “gift,” it is not free to the intended recipients. Indications are that it will add thousands of dollars a year to the cost of obtaining health insurance coverage—amounts that the backers of the law had hoped would be borne by employers. Employers, however, have made use of provisions in the law that allow them to escape this burden by converting more employees to part time status (i.e., under 30 hours per week on the job). The Obama Administration has also generously (and illegally) deferred statutory deadlines to give businesses more time to accomplish this conversion.

Meanwhile, holders of “catastrophic coverage” policies are being told their plans do not comply with the new law. As Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius has explained, “People may think they only need coverage for major emergencies, but our experts have determined that more extensive coverage is the socially responsible way to go. On the one hand, broader coverage of preventive care can help reduce the risk of major health problems going undetected. On the other hand, the provision of coverage for elective services like abortions and sex changes helps spread these costs over a wider base—making them more affordable to those who choose to access these services.”

DC Incomes Rise While Private Sector Average Declines

The latest report from the US Census shows that median household incomes in America have declined by over 6% since the year 2000. In contrast, incomes for Washington, DC households have climbed by more than 23% over this same time span.

Jason Furman, Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers, hailed the report as “clear evidence that the Administration’s efforts to boost the economy are working. We have provided a pathway for those seeking to improve their lives. Joining the federal workforce or working for employers who are engaged intimately with the federal government—either as lobbyists for various programs or as beneficiaries of government spending on infrastructure, social, or environmental programs—is an escalator to upward mobility for those with appropriately progressive values.”

Warren Buffet, one whose appropriately progressive values have enabled him to prosper mightily (he is among the top ten richest men in the world) warned that “GOP threats to reject raising the debt ceiling are dumb. Access to ever increasing amounts of borrowed money is crucial to ensuring the flow of funds into the proper hands. If the government is put on reduced rations it will cut into the fat that even these GOP Congressman rely on to buy votes on election day. They’d be goring their own ox.”

McCain Tells Russians that “Putin Has Betrayed the Revolution”

In an op ed aimed over the head of Russian President Vladimir Putin and directly to the Russian people, US Senator John McCain tells them “you deserve better.”

“If you look at the pattern of Mr. Putin’s behavior it seems clear that he has deviated from the path set down by Lenin back in 1917,” McCain wrote. “If you look at the Heritage Foundation’s Index of Economic Freedom, Russia is rising in the rankings. That means your country is becoming more capitalistic. Is this really the direction you want to go?”

“Mr. Putin has also taken a stance in defense of traditional religious values and institutions,” McCain continued. “He is reinjecting the opium of the masses. This undermines the secular values that so many of your countrymen have died to further for nearly 100 years. Is this really the direction you want to go?”

“Finally, his meddling in Syria has denied the world the opportunity for a major conflict and its uplifting potential for unifying both sides in a cause bigger than personal selfishness,” the op ed added. “Have you forgotten how good it felt when Stalin led your country into the great patriotic war against the Nazis? What noble venture will your generation enjoy under Mr. Putin’s reign?”

The Senator ended his piece by offering himself as a replacement for Putin saying that “if you, like I, have become disillusioned with backsliding and want to break free of namby-pambyism, I would gladly follow in the footsteps of that other great American Naval war hero John Paul Jones. If called upon to serve I will come.”

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) expressed pessimism that Russians would accept his colleague’s offer, but agreed that “as slim as the prospects may be, it would give us another option for going to war with Iran. I’m confident that if John were calling the shots in MoscowIran would have no alternative but to give in or be blasted to rubble. McCain would not tolerate any disobedience.”

Graham’s main option is to try to get Congress to authorize President Obama to “use whatever force is necessary at whatever time is most advantageous against Iran or any other nation, organization, or individual if, in the President’s judgment, it is necessary for the advancement of US global objectives.”

Dems Walk Out on Benghazi Hearing

Fifteen Democrats on the House Oversight Committee walked out during testimony of the parents of Benghazi victims Sean Smith and Ty Woods. The only Democrats who stayed for testimony were Ranking Member Elijah Cummings (Maryland) and Representative Jackie Speier (Calif).

One of the Democrat “walk-outs,” Representative Gerald Connolly (VA) defended the seeming disrespect. “Let’s concede that Smith and Woods were heroes,” Connolly said. “Their deaths were of their own making. They were ordered to stand down, but attempted a rescue of the Ambassador on no higher authority than their own machismo. Sad as it may be, the grief of the parents is not our concern.”

What is the Democrats’ concern “is the blatant attempt to use the demise of these men to try to discredit the Administration. That others did not also disobey orders to stand down supposedly means that the Secretary of State or President Obama is somehow at fault for abandoning the victims. Well, the Administration may have had greater obligations than preserving the lives of the four who were killed. Probing too deeply into what those obligations may have been threatens national security. Besides, at this point what difference could it make?”

Connolly offered the opinion that “the best way to put an end to the parade of phony scandals the GOP is using to try to distract everyone from the President’s agenda for America may be for us to refuse to participate in the farce. If we can maintain solidarity by walking out on the IRS, NSA, and Fast and Furious hearings the media may decline to cover a one-sided affair and the investigations may peter out due to lack of interest.”

US Attorney General May Take Michigan to Court

US Attorney General Eric Holder warned Michigan legislators against passing two welfare reform bills. One bill would require welfare recipients to pass a drug test in order to receive benefits. Those who failed the test would be denied benefits. The other bill would require welfare recipients who are able to perform a minimum of community service in exchange for payments.

Holder characterized the bills as “unconscionable intrusions on personal liberties and grossly inhumane. Forcing someone to perform community service in exchange for welfare violates the Constitution’s ban on involuntary servitude. This nation fought a Civil War to free the Black man from slavery. I cannot sit by idly and allow a state to try to reestablish it under a so-called ‘community service’ masquerade.”

“As for the drug test requirement, isn’t it obvious that a person on drugs is disabled?” Holder asked. “Denying welfare benefits to the disabled is clearly inhumane. Should these bills be enacted Michigan must be prepared to face us in court because we will be filing an immediate injunction and asking for punitive damages.”

Arabs Complain about 9/11 Museum

The American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee has filed a complaint against the 9/11 MemorialMuseum in New York City. The complaint cites the absence of brochures in Arabic and the “one-sided” nature of the exhibits. Brochures available at the museum come in 10 languages. Arabic is not one of them.

“There are a billion people who speak Arabic,” Raed Jarrar, communications director for the Arab-American Anti-Discrimination Committee asserted. “Their needs are not being met by this discriminatory policy.”

A spokesman for the museum contends that “Arabic speaking visitors are relatively rare at the museum. We cannot justify the expense of printing a brochure for such a tiny fraction of our patrons.”

“The fraction of Arabic speakers might not be so tiny if the exhibits weren’t so biased,” Jarrar countered. “At least 10 young Arab men were killed in the WorldTradeCenter crashes. Their lives were also ended prematurely. Yet the exhibits treat them solely as villains. There is no effort to balance the portrayal showing both the good and the bad. This has got to change.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Virginia’s Democratic gubernatorial candidate Terry McAuliffe issued a campaign promise to exempt existing abortion clinics from state health and safety standards. The promise came amid concerns that inability to meet minimum health and safety standards could lead to the closure of all the state’s abortion providers.

“The notion that these clinics need to be as pristine as a hospital is flawed thinking,” McAuliffe said. “Given the objective being served I think the standards applicable to a waste disposal facility would be more appropriate.”

McAuliffe dismissed contentions that any unilateral actions he might take to absolve clinics from observing the law would be beyond his power as Governor. “As the state’s chief executive I could, like President Obama has done, use discretion in determining which laws would be enforced,” McAuliffe asserted. “And should there be any slip-ups at a lower level I could always use my authority to pardon any lawbreakers.”

Senator Pushes Journalist Licensing Scheme

Senator Diane Feinstein (D-Calif) is worried that “the American public is being confused by the writings of unqualified scribblers who at little or no cost can post whatever fictions they want on the Internet. The more considered efforts of legitimate journalists are being drowned out by a flood of ignorant ranting.”

“We need to distinguish between true representatives of the media who are deserving of Constitutional protection from the amateurs who lack the proper credentials and don’t,” the Senator explained. A key distinction in her mind is “whether a person has an employment relationship with a recognized media outlet. Someone who is being paid by MSNBC or the New York Times is worthy of our regard for ‘freedom of the press.’ ‘Do-it-yourself’ bloggers, tweeters, and pamphleteers do not qualify for this protection.”

Feinstein seemed especially irked that “someone like Edward Snowden is allowed to blab all he wants about government secrets without facing some sort of consequence. Neither should journalists feel that they can ‘simply’ repeat what he says without fear of repercussions. The potential excommunication from a paying job with an authorized purveyor of news is what injects a modicum of responsibility into how the news is reported. People outside this milieu are unconstrained and dangerous. We’ve got to rein them in somehow.”

Reid Gloats over Budget Brinksmanship Strategy

Despite opining that “a government shutdown would be the worst possible outcome in our negotiations over the budget,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) vowed he will “make no compromises to avoid it.”

“We’ve got control of the narrative,” Reid boasted. “Why should we give Republicans a break? Almost half of Americans depend on the government to put money in their pockets. The other half are afraid of riots in the streets if the flow of subsidies to client populations is halted. The media are ‘all in’ for blaming the GOP if anything bad happens. When you have the winning hand you don’t need to be nice.”

The Senate Majority Leader’s perspective was echoed by House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “We’re past the point of no return in this country,” Boehner argued. “Too many people are on the government teat. The slide into the abyss can’t be avoided. All we can do is try to get our fair share of the loot before it all goes to Hell.”

Reid acknowledged that he wasn’t entirely unsympathetic to Boehner’s plight. “We’ve offered to help him fend off the Tea Partiers in his Party,” Reid said. “If he can bring enough Republicans over to our side on the budget we’ll see to it that those who cooperate get a bigger piece of the pie when it’s carved up.”

White House Elated by Syrian Turn of Events

While many are convinced that President Obama’s bumbling over Syria has put America in a bad spot, this is not the case in the White House. Obama may have made a threat he shouldn’t have and can’t get Congress or the general public to support, but this hasn’t dampened the Administration’s morale.

Press Secretary Jay Carney was openly elated by developments. “Look, right now the expectations of the American people for what the president can do are extremely low,” Carney observed. “In essence, he’s off the hook. The ball is in Putin’s court. He’s the one who has to make something happen. If he fails, well, it’ll be on him. If he succeeds we’ll point out that it was our threat to start bombing that inspired him to act. The President’s so-called ill-advised threat then becomes a brilliant bluff.”

A decidedly unelated Senator John McCain (R-Ariz) fears that “our opportunity to attack Syria may be slipping away,” and urged President Obama to launch a military strike “before Putin or Congress has the chance to derail it. Making your decision contingent on diplomacy or a legislative endorsement undermines the perception that the United States President is the most powerful person in the world. This would undo the work of a succession of presidents going all the way back to Lincoln. It’s not what our Founding Fathers envisioned or what so many patriotic soldiers have died fighting to protect.”

The Senator did get a chuckle out of the idea that a president launching a war without Congressional approval might be  impeached. “First of all, the President is the Commander-in-Chief,” McCain pointed out. “If the Commander says attack it is everyone’s duty to follow orders.”

As for the Constitution’s grant of the power to declare war to Congress, McCain maintained that “this is an anachronism, like the parts of the Constitution that upheld slavery. It has no force under our modern conception of government.”

McCain didn’t find it at all ironic that the President’s proposed attack on Syria would align the United States with Assad’s al-Qaeda opponents—the same international terrorist organization that attacked the World Trade Center and Pentagon in 2011. “Changing sides during wartime happens all the time,” McCain said. “If you’ll recall, Italy changed sides during World War II. So, I don’t think it’s a big deal if both al-Qaeda and the United States join forces against the Assad Regime in Syria.”

Gun Control Pols Ousted in Recall Election

Last Tuesday, voters in Colorado ousted Colorado Senate President John Morse (D-Colorado Springs) and state Senator Angela Giron (D-Pueblo) from their seats in the State Legislature. Both were prominent gun control advocates. While Morse took his defeat with some degree of grace, Giron cried “foul.”

As Giron sees it, her 56-44 percent trouncing was the result of “voter suppression.” “Thanks to the generosity of New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg we outspent the other side by a seven-to-one ratio,” Giron recounted. “How could this not have been a decisive edge? The only logical conclusion is they cheated.”

“The need to control guns is a national issue, not a state issue,” Giron said. “Yet, non-Coloradans were routinely denied the right to cast ballots on my behalf. On top of this, people who felt strongly on this issue were prevented from voting more than once. This negates the impact of enthusiasm and commitment that has become a vital component of modern voting procedure in venues as widespread as professional sports and reality TV.”

Democratic National Committee Chairperson, Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, seconded Giron’s assessment calling it “voter suppression, pure and simple. It’s part of a disturbing trend we’re seeing rear its ugly head around the nation—demands that voters show ID, excessive scrutiny of voter registration rolls, and undo suspicion of boxes of mail-in ballots delivered by political action committees. These heinous tactics constitute a severe threat to progressive values succeeding in elections at all levels.”

Transformation of US Making Headway

Recent statistics indicating that 48  percent of births in the United States now occur below the poverty line were hailed by Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius as “evidence we are making the strides in the transformation of this country that President Obama promised.”

“Throughout human history the enjoyment of sex and parenthood has been inhibited by the reluctance to take on the responsibility of rearing children,” Sebelius announced. “These data show we are alleviating some of these inhibitions. Hopefully, there will come a day when the freedom to procreate will be totally unconstrained by any financial apprehensions.”

The possibility that a growing proportion of dependency might become an unwieldy burden didn’t faze the Secretary. “I am confident that those who are able will pick up as heavy a load as society may require of them,” she declared. “Are we not all bidden to be our brother’s keeper?”

Police Severely Beat Truck Driver

Truck driver Olegs Kozacenko was nearly beaten to death by officers of the California Highway Patrol. Kozacenko’s offense was refusing to sign a citation written by one of the officers. His injuries included a crushed left orbital eye socket, multiple facial fractures, a broken left arm, broken ribs, a concussion, loss of consciousness, and possible neurological damage.

“If he had simply signed the citation as he was asked he wouldn’t have gotten hurt,” Acting Chief Ken Hill explained. “Members of the general public need to understand that they have nothing to fear as long as they comply with the orders they are given by our officers.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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