John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
In an interview with CNN, Senior White House Adviser Dan Pfeiffer asserted that House Republicans are “worse than suicide bombers. The damage done by a suicide bomber is normally confined to a few dozen. Even in the case of the World Trade Center attack the tally of victims was less than 3,000. The GOP’s efforts to defund the Affordable Care Act endangers the health and lives of millions.”
Pfeiffer labeled the GOP efforts as “the worst kind of extortion. They have forced the President and his allies in the Senate to try to counter this assault on the nation’s health with a threat to shut down the federal government. The President doesn’t want to order the military to stand down, furlough law-enforcement personnel and let criminals rule the streets, or cut off grandma’s Social Security checks, but that is what he’ll do to ensure that his signature legislation granting everyone health insurance goes forward.”
Senator Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) contends that “Republican resistance to the President’s agenda for America is dangerous. Not since the Civil War have we seen such radicalism from a so-called mainstream political party.” Harkin characterized House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) as a “latter day Thaddeus Stevens whose extreme views threaten the very fabric of the social compact that more responsible members of government accept.”
Former Obama car czar Steve Rattner called Republican opposition to raising the debt ceiling “terrorism, pure and simple. The idea that the federal government ought to be forced to live within a budget is out-dated and ignorant. The programs that the government funds are far more important than any possible alternative way in which these funds might be spent if left in the private sector. Forcing the government to cut back by even a few percent would have repercussions worse than 9/11.”
Ironically, in 2006, Senator Obama opposed raising the debt ceiling. He was not a terrorist because, according to Rattner, “Senator Obama was taking a stand against a malevolent Bush Administration. His efforts must be construed as an heroic attempt to thwart malicious policies. The same cannot be said for the opponents of the more benevolent aims of the Obama Administration. The two situations are as different as night and day.”
President Says Obamacare “Free Stuff” Offsets Higher Premiums
As the implementation date for the Affordable Care Act approaches, reports around the country portend an unpleasant trend toward higher prices for the mandated insurance. Rates double and triple those of plans that are now illegal under the new law are stunning individuals and families.
President Obama contends that the comparison of prices is unfair. “Previously, many of these plans were ‘bare bones’ policies that left out a lot of the services mandated by the new law,” Obama explained. “Under the Affordable Care Act people will be, as Speaker Pelosi says, ‘free to follow their passions.’ If this results in unwanted pregnancies, abortions will be pre-paid. It’s not inconceivable that a sexually active female would be able to enjoy medical services in excess of the extra few hundred dollars a month that she might have to pay.”
Obama speculated that his daughters would be among the young women likely to come out ahead and said that “I’m sure they would both be happy to enroll in the program if they didn’t already have a better plan.”
“I can’t really understand all, the complaining,” the President continued. “In America, people already lay out considerable sums of money for fancy cell phones, cable TV, cars, and vacations—all items of arguably less urgent need than appropriate health care, so I don’t think it’s out of line for the government to make an executive decision that shifting some of a person’s expenditures on frivolous spending toward medical care is for the greater good.”
Senator Argues that Cooperation Is Essential to Survival
Senator John McCain (R-Ariz) laid into his own party members for their “risky opposition to the Administration. Senator Cruz may imagine that he’s fighting for freedom with his high-profile display of defiance. He’s forgetting that ‘twisting the lion’s tail’ may have consequences he doesn’t foresee.”
“Let me remind all of my errant colleagues that we have passed laws that empower the President to have anyone he deems a threat to this nation incarcerated,” McCain pointed out. “Any one of us can be unceremoniously arrested and hauled off to Gitmo or some other place of confinement. There’d be no bail, no trial, no one would ever have to hear from us again. Is a futile attempt to stop Obamacare or limit the debt worth the risk?”
ACLU Charges Obamacare Violates Patients’ Rights to Sexual Privacy
After New York cardiologist Adam Budzikowski complained about new rules requiring him to query his heart patients about their sex lives, the New York chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union lodged a protest.
“Why must a cardiologist be force to compile a dossier on his patient’s sex history,” Budzikowski wanted to know. “I don’t need this information in order to treat my patients. I feel like they are turning me into a sort of Gestapo interrogator. If I don’t ask these invasive questions I’ll get fined by the IRS.”
US Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius defended the questions saying that “the struggle for a healthier America requires the full participation of everyone in the healthcare community. Every doctor must extract vital information. Every patient must cooperate by answering truthfully.”
“Under the Affordable Care Act the government is taking on the primary responsibility for maintaining the heath of every American,” Sebelius explained. “In order for us to be able to plan for the health needs of everyone—both in terms of laying out the appropriate therapies individuals will have to submit to and in terms of controlling the overall costs—we must know what risks people are taking. As a significant vector for several serious medical conditions, a person’s sexual behavior is pertinent information. No one can lawfully refuse to supply it.”
Sebelius tried to reassure the ACLU that “all of this information will be safely stored in a secure government site and will only be accessed on an ‘as-needed basis’ by those duly authorized to do so.”
In related news, the thousands of Obamacare “navigators” being hired to implement the program’s heath insurance exchanges will not be required to pass a background check. “There simply isn’t enough time,” Sebelius said. “We weighed the possibility that persons with a criminal history might be hired and misuse confidential information as relatively minor and worth the risk.” Thus far, an estimated $67 million has apparently been stolen from the Obamacare implementation fund.
Sign Dispute Called “Clash of Inalienable Rights”
Resident of Somers, New York, John Gibson has had three yard signs promoting the Second Amendment right to bear arms stolen from his property. The latest theft was video taped by a hidden camera. Much to Gibson’s surprise a local police officer was revealed to be the culprit.
Mary Beth Murphy, an official from the Town of Somers, maintains that “the fact that the sign was on Mr. Gibson’s property doesn’t give him an unfettered right to inflict his opinions on others. The sign was intentionally placed so that its message could be seen from the street, which is public property. In effect, he was forcing people using the street to receive his message.”
“Forcing someone to receive your message violates their inalienable right to the liberty of being free from unwanted communications,” Murphy argued. “Now we understand that Mr. Gibson may feel that he has an inalienable right to freedom of expression, but when this right clashes with someone else’s right he can’t expect them to remain passive.”
Murphy contends that “the officer who tore down Mr. Gibson’s signs was acting in his capacity as a private citizen and had a right to oppose the views Mr. Gibson was trying to project onto public property. Since it would’ve been impractical for him to have stationed himself near the sign to offer an oral opposing view, tearing down the sign was his most logical alternative means of expressing his own views against gun violence.”
Iran Praises President Obama’s Respectful Tone
President Obama’s recent speech to the UN received praise from Iranian Deputy Foreign Minister Morteza Sarmadi. “It’s respectful tone was an important step toward improving relations between our two countries,” Sarmadi said.
The next step would be “the payment of the jizya,” Sarmadi added. “The US aid to the Muslim Brotherhood, al-Shabaab, and al-Qaeda is encouraging, but its ad hoc nature suggests that the US may consider it optional. As the Quran instructs, the payments must be regular and permanent. The payer must also feel himself subdued. It is plausible that President Obama himself may feel subdued, but it is by no means clear that all of the kafirs in the American Government, much less the population as a whole, can be construed as properly submissive.”
Former President Bush Urges Obama to Play More Golf
Former President George W. Bush chided those who criticize President Obama’s obsession with playing golf. “Considering all the ways he could be spending his time, golf would appear to pose the least risk for America,” Bush observed. “Those who truly love their country should hope that he never leaves the golf course.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
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