John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Senator Ron Johnson’s (R-Wisc) proposed legislation, the “If You Like Your Health Plan, You Can Keep It Act,” was immediately denounced by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) as “out of line.”

“This bill would completely undermine the Affordable Care Act,” Reid charged. “It trades on the simplistic notion that individuals should be permitted to decide what kind of health insurance they need. This is flawed logic. First of all, individuals aren’t qualified to assess the complex issues of health care coverage. Second, allowing people to keep plans they like would cater to the kind of selfishness that is wrecking this country.”

In defense of his bill, Senator Johnson argued that “it merely implements President Obama’s promise that those who like their existing insurance would be allowed to keep it. As we’re seeing millions of customers are being notified by their insurers that the Affordable Care Act requires the cancellation of ‘non-conforming plans.’”

“The President’s promise was never intended as a ‘blank check’ on behalf of personal greed,” Reid countered. “Those who like their existing insurance because it gives them coverage they want at a price they can afford are overlooking the broader social obligations they must bear as a member of society. All the President is asking is that we all share the burden of subsidizing the coverage of those worse off than themselves.”

The contingent of “worse off” includes those with pre-existing conditions, those with chronic health problems brought on by obesity, substance abuse, and serving in government. As Representative Charles Rangel (D-NY) explains, “the stress we face in our jobs is severe. On the one hand, lobbyists continually pressure us with temptations—free meals, free trips, campaign donations—that take a toll on our health. On the other hand, there is the constant fear that someone will perceive that we have done something wrong—taken a payoff to push legislation, cheated on our taxes—that disturbs our repose. We need and deserve a subsidy.”

While members of Congress’ salary of $174,000 per year plus assorted perks puts them well above the income  level below which people must fall to qualify for Obamacare subsidies, Rangel and his colleagues, by Executive Order, will receive annual subsidies of nearly $11,000 to help fund their health insurance.

In related news, Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius confirmed that she would not be signing up for Obamacare, saying that “I have a better plan that I’m satisfied with and I’m going to keep it.”

Milestone in Welfare Hailed

In a bid to divert attention from the disastrous implementation of Obamacare, Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius pointed to the dramatic rise in welfare recipients as “proof of the dramatic progress this Administration has made in transforming America.”

For the first time ever in United States history, the number of persons receiving means-tested welfare payments (108,592,000) exceeds the number of persons engaged in full-time employment (101,716,000).

“Throughout human history the average person has been chained to toil in order to survive,” Sebelius observed. “Today, I am proud to say that the average American has been freed from this servitude. By distributing a greater share of the wealth from those who are able to produce it to those who need to consume it, the President is well on his way to establishing a new ethos for our country. Instead of serving private greed, ability, ambition, and effort are being more effectively harnessed for the benefit of all.”

To ensure that these gains aren’t squandered, Sebelius urged Congress “to pass the tax increases the President has requested. Continued progress toward social justice necessitates a growing source of revenue with which to pay the growing segment of our society that has been liberated from wage-slavery.”

DNC Chair Insists Obamacare Will Be Winning Issue in 2014

Despite a tidal wave of negative news on the roll-out of the Obamacare website, Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) insists the beleaguered health insurance mandate will be a winning issue for Democrats in November 2014.

“The key will be the women’s votes,” Wasserman-Schultz maintained. “The free birth control benefits alone should have these voters squarely in our corner.”

If the many young women who are being compelled to pay insurance premiums far in excess of the value of the “free birth control” benefit under Obamacare would seem to cast some doubt over Wasserman-Schultz’s prediction, the Congresswoman stubbornly adhered to her assessment.

“The economic calculus being cited by the critics of the program overlooks the psychological aspect,” Wasserman-Schultz said. “Payments for the coverage are mandatory. Use of the services is free. On top of this, the availability of birth control through a legally mandated government program empowers women to throw off the shackles of religious and moral constraints that could impede their full enjoyment of sex.”

“Sexually active young women can use the implicit endorsement of their behaviors by the federal government as a counterbalance to church or family pressures that might seek to dissuade them from living their lives as they choose,” Wasserman-Schultz continued. “I’m convinced that these liberated women will reward the Democratic Party for the new freedoms we have bestowed upon them.”

In related news, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid claims that a push for higher taxes would be another winning election issue for Democrats. “The only people who feel there shouldn’t be more coming in to the federal government are the Republicans in the Congress,” Reid said in a radio interview. “I believe most voters can see that the uses to which the government can put their money would be more productive and beneficial than the frivolous ways in which they would spend it themselves if we don’t tax it away from them.”

Obamacare Operator Fired

A low level employee answering phone inquiries from customers trying to purchase health insurance through an Obamacare Exchange was summarily fired for publicly affirming that the process is unpopular. The incident occurred when Erling Davis admitted to talk show personality Sean Hannity that most of the callers she has handled expressed frustration and unhappiness with the cumbersome and complicated process.

“Negativity is a millstone around the neck of social progress,” said Administration adviser Valerie Jarrett. “Positive thinking is essential if we are to make the Affordable Care Act work. The accuracy or truthfulness of Ms. Davis’ observations is irrelevant. Her failure to project optimism and confidence at all times could undermine the American people’s belief in the President and his program for change. We had to let her go.”

Former Democratic National Committee chair and Vermont Governor Howard Dean supported Jarrett’s position saying “there’s this scene in Peter Pan where the mere thinking of happy thoughts enables the children to fly off to Neverland. Obviously, the importance of a positive attitude couldn’t be clearer. If the President is to succeed he needs everyone to be on the same page. Negativism of the sort displayed by Ms. Davis can’t be tolerated.”

Since Ms. Davis’ lack of the appropriate attitude was disclosed on his radio show, Hannity has committed to paying her a year’s salary ($26,000) and to assisting her in finding another job.

In related news, White House staffer Jofi Joseph was also fired for airing “unhappy thoughts” on his twitter account. Perhaps his most egregious offense was to suggest that GOP suspicions of a Benghazi whitewash might be on target.

Congressman Blames Private Sector for Obamacare Glitches

Representative Henry Waxman (D-Calif) blamed the contractors hired by the Health and Human Services (HHS) Department for the website failures that are bogging down the launch of Obamacare. “These private sector sharks exploited Secretary Sebelius’ ignorance and sold her a bad product,” Waxman contended. “In effect they bilked her and America out of millions of dollars with a shoddy piece of merchandise.”

CGI, one of the principal contractors for the website contested Waxman’s characterization. “There were numerous checkpoints every step of the way,” said CGI’s Senior Vice President Cheryl Campbell. “We have hundreds of invoices signed by various HHS personnel verifying that the work we did was fully satisfactory. They wouldn’t have paid us if they thought otherwise.”

Waxman was unimpressed by CGI’s offer of a paper trail in support of their position. “Everyone knows that the government staff charged with scrutinizing the work done by private contractors isn’t competent to assess the quality of the product,” Waxman argued. “Blindly signing off for work that they cannot comprehend is pretty much standard practice on just about every project that is contracted out. The hope is that the contractor knows what he is doing because the government sure doesn’t. I lay the blame on them.”

The Congressman suggested that the long term solution would be “to eliminate contracting with the private sector. If all the work were done in-house by government employees we wouldn’t be getting cheated by outsiders.” While conceding that the likelihood of improved quality was remote, Waxman took solace that “we would certainly put an end to profiteering.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Buoyed by his recently successful “no negotiation” negotiations with congressional Republicans, President Obama demanded that “the long overdue and urgently imperative legalization of the millions of immigrants who entered our country through irregular processes must be undertaken.”

The president insisted that “I will not take ‘no’ for an answer. An expeditious pathway to full citizenship is non-negotiable. Once Congress has enacted this pathway I will be happy to sit down with Republican leadership to work out the best procedures for implementing it. There is no good reason why the vast majority of these presently undocumented persons cannot be fully integrated into our society with the complete access to the same benefits of free education, health care, welfare, and voting that are available to every other citizen.”

Obama warned Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kenticlu) and House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) “to not let the siren song of the Tea Party divert you from doing what you must to support this step forward for social justice. It cannot be stopped. If need be, I will, like President Lincoln did, issue an emancipation proclamation for these immigrants on my own authority.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) expressed his confidence that “the GOP’s failure to stop the implementation of the Affordable Care Act has taught McConnell and Boehner a stern lesson. Resistance is futile. They can cooperate to enact the necessary legislation in time for millions of these new citizens to cast  their votes in the November 2014 elections or further blacken their reputation for racism and disloyalty.”

In related news, a petition has been launched on the MoveOn.org website demanding the immediate arrest of Majority Leader Eric Cantor, Speaker of the House John Boehner and other decision-making House Republican leaders for the crimes of seditious conspiracy against the United States of America. As one signer put it, “instead of helping the President these Tea Party guys went out of their way to oppose him. Unless we make an example of them now others will continue to try to disrupt his rule.”

Insurers’ Complaints Dismissed

As the new registrants for Obamacare trickle in to the private insurers who are expected to provide coverage complaints about the quality of the registration data are emerging. Executives at more than a dozen health insurance companies say that the information being forwarded to them from the Obamacare Exchanges is riddled with errors.

“We’re getting duplicate requests for the same individuals,” said Aetna CEO Mark Bertolini. “In other cases crucial information is missing or incorrect. Some of these errors can be handled by personally phoning those trying to buy insurance, but this is labor-intensive and not cost-effective. If this is how we have to process the applications rates will have to go up even more than they already have.”

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius dismissed these complaints as “an unwarranted attempt to impose private sector standards on public sector performance. Saying that a private firm with such a poor handling of a new service would be headed for bankruptcy is simply inappropriate. The federal government will not go bankrupt. In fact, Congress has just granted an essentially unlimited authority for the president to authorize new debt. The American people can rest assured that we will make this system work no matter how much it costs.”

As for those whose incomes make them ineligible for healthcare subsidies, Sebelius referred them to advice given by the San Francisco Chronicle: lower your income. “It’s not like everything is totally out of your control Sebelius argued. “Luckily, many are being given a helping hand by their employers. Firms that are cutting work hours below 29 per week are making it easier for their employees to qualify for the Act’s subsidies. On top of this, a lower income may also make you eligible for the EBT program’s food subsidies.”

In related news, another unpleasant feature of the Obamacare Exchanges is that those who register on-line “should have no expectation of privacy.” The warning is buried within the program and may easily be overlooked by those using the website to enroll in Obamacare. And given that website users must first enter their personal data before even getting to where they might see the warning it comes too late to avoid the risk that identity thieves may gain access to personal data they hoped would remain private. Criminals have already set up counterfeit Exchange websites. Others can be expected to hack into the official website.

Senator Says Shutdown Was a Complete Disaster for GOP

Senator Dick Durbin (D-Illinois) called the recent 16-day partial shutdown of the federal government “one of the worse things to happen to this country in my lifetime. It pushed this country to the brink of financial default by almost forcing President Obama to make a choice between paying interest to our creditors or funding programs he deems vital for the future of our nation and the world.”

Where the GOP went wrong in Durbin’s opinion was “their notion that furloughing 800,000 nonessential government employees would go unnoticed. If President Obama had remained passive in the face of this crisis they might have pulled it off. However, by getting out in front and ensuring that access to open spaces that many take for granted would be interdicted, the President made sure that the shutdown would be widely felt.”

The Senator speculated that “Republicans will pay a heavy price in November of 2014. Voter outrage over the disrespect shown to veterans, the inconveniencing of tourists, and having to give back pay to workers idled by the shutdown will cost them at the polls.”

In related news, Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) boasted that “we got everything we wanted. They got a ‘fig leaf.’” The “fig leaf” was a provision requiring the government to verify Obamacare applicants’ income before awarding them subsidies. “The verification process is totally under the Administration’s control,” Schumer pointed out. “There’s no way for the GOP to check the accuracy or even whether any verification took place.”

Pelosi Okay with Pork in Continuing Resolution

As it turns out, the so-called “clean” Continuing Resolution passed this week to reopen the federal government wasn’t so clean after all. Included in the fine print was a $2 billion bailout of a troubled dam project on the Ohio River and a payment of a year’s salary to the millionaire widow of the deceased Senator Lautenberg (D-NJ).

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) said she considers such expenditures “a small price to pay for averting a worse calamity. If $2 billion for a dam in Kentucky is what it takes to buy Senator McConnell’s vote, so be it. Let’s put things in the proper perspective. The CR included a trillion dollars in new borrowing authority. McConnell’s $2 billion dam amounts to less than one percent of the additional money we can spend.”

Senator McConnell contested the characterization of the $2 billion as the “Kentucky Kickback.” “Bringing benefits to the people of Kentucky is job-one in my book,” he said. “At least the people of my state came out of this fracas with a bigger piece of the pie than those of any other state. Isn’t ‘bringing home the bacon’ better than not ‘bringing home the bacon?’ I’m sure that Kentucky’s voters will appreciate what I’ve done for them.”

NPS Director Defends Aggressive Action to Shut Parks

Called to testify before the House Natural Resources, and Oversight and Government Reform committees, National Parks Service Director Jonathan Jarvis stood by his actions during the shutdown.

The most serious challenge to Jarvis’ actions came from Representative Rob Bishop (R-Utah) who accused him of violating the Anti-deficiency Act. This Act prohibits agencies from undertaking additional work during a lapse in funding such as occurred during the recent shutdown.

Jarvis didn’t deny that sending park rangers to barricade open air monuments and harass tourists violated this statute. “I will grant that the text of the statute would appear to prohibit the actions I authorized,” Jarvis admitted. “However, I discussed this matter with officials at the White House and Secretary Jewell. I was assured that the President’s authority superseded a rigid adherence to the statutory text.”

“I was told that if we left the Mall or the World War II Memorial open they wouldn’t really be shutdown,” Jarvis continued. “I mean, without the barricades how would the general public even know they were closed? Likewise, if we had allowed tourists to drive through our national parks and take photos it would have diluted the message that these places were closed. It’s not enough to just passively lock the doors of the visitors’ centers and think we’ve closed the parks if we let people take a peek from their vehicles while driving.”

An overlooked rationale for aggressively shutting down NPS sites according to Jarvis was the threat of terrorism. “If we left these sites open and unbarricaded they could’ve easily fallen into the hands of terrorists,” Jarvis contended. “As we saw, octogenarians were able to penetrate the perimeters we tried to establish. Imagine how much worse it could’ve been if, instead, al-Qaeda had chosen this occasion to seize these sites.”

In related news, President Obama created and awarded a Presidential Medal of Honor to Jarvis “for his heroic actions during the just concluded shutdown crisis. Without Director Jarvis’ steadfast leadership in this time of peril unauthorized viewing of some of America’s most treasured resources and sacred historic sites might have gone unopposed. In the full knowledge that he might face grievous criticism for actions many would classify as spiteful and vindictive, he did not waver from carrying out my orders.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Political Director of ABC News, Rick Klein, pleaded with Wall Street financiers to “manipulate the markets on behalf of President Obama’s efforts to stand against GOP resistance.”

“Government spending is what’s been lining their pockets for generations,” Klein observed. “How can they sit by and allow upstarts like Senator Cruz to interfere? They’ve got to use their financial power to provoke a major slide in stock prices. Sure, they might have to take some temporary losses, but they should consider it an investment that will ensure that government cash continues to flow to them in the future.”

Klein noted that “President Obama is doing his part to inflict real pain on tourists and vets. It’s time for the guys with the big bucks to inflict some pain on individual investors, to make people fret about their mutual funds and pensions. The more widespread the suffering, the more pressure these average Americans will put on their Congressional representatives to yield to the President’s demands.”

Pelosi Rejects Any Responsibility for Obamacare Disaster

October 1st’s disastrous launch of the Affordable Care Act’s automated web site “is not any of my fault,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif), architect of the law, insisted.

The former Speaker rebuffed questions asking whether she has read the law since its 2010 enactment when she famously asserted that “we have to pass the bill so that you can find out what’s in it.”

“If you look carefully at what I said you’ll see that I said we had to pass the law so you can find out what’s in it,” Pelosi pointed out. “This law isn’t for me. I have the personal resources to cover any conceivable medical treatment I might require. This law is for the little people. They and the ‘navigators’ must bear the burden of finding out what’s in it, not me.”

Thus far, the vast majority of individuals trying to use the heath care website (HealthCare.gov) have been unable to enroll in any heath insurance plan. Glitches in the $600 million dollar software program are frustrating even the most patient users.

Whether the “navigators” will be of much assistance remains to be seen. Some are misinformed about the requirements and insist that users must input credit scores to obtain coverage. Others are connected with organizations suspected of fraud. Background checks for all navigators were waived due to “lack of time.”
The Attorneys General of 13 states have warned that the navigator program presents serious risks for identity theft.

John McAfee, creator of anti-virus software, predicts that thieves will hack into the Obamacare website, steal the personal information entered by those trying to enroll in the program, and use it to empty their bank accounts. “The official Obamacare website has no reliable safeguards at all,” McAfee observed. “The massive fleecing of vast numbers of those who enroll is just a matter of time.”

Leading Dems Declare Congress “Non-Essential”

Among the “non-essential” government functions shutdown during the last 10 days are the offices of leading members of the US Senate including Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev), Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill), Senators Sherrod Brown (D-Ohio) and Bill Nelson (D-Fla).

“When you get right down to it, all the essential functions of government can be carried out by the President,” Reid argued. “The police and armed forces all report to him. If push comes to shove he can simply order them to enforce his will. President Obama has shown a willingness to take on this responsibility. I believe he has the courage to bypass the out-dated and formalistic participation of Congress in ruling this country.”

Reid hastened to clarify that “I’m not saying that Congress is totally useless. Formalistic participation has a role in easing the transition to a newer mode of governance. Even the Roman Emperors retained a largely powerless Senate as a reassuring facade of its republican past.”

“The evolving function I see Congress fulfilling is as a voice for supplicants seeking the favor of the President,” Reid added. “Getting the ear of the President is difficult for individuals. Going through a member of Congress has some value. Building a fruitful relationship with your state’s members of Congress could be a mutually rewarding one if gaining a bigger piece of a growing government pie is your objective.”

In related news, Obama’s former campaign manager, David Plouffe, labeled continued Republican opposition to President Obama “treason. Barack Obama was duly elected to rule over America by the voters. The overt actions of people like Senators Cruz, Lee, and Paul evince a disloyalty that should not be tolerated. If it doesn’t stop extraordinary measures may be warranted to avert this clear and present danger.”

Administration Promises Default If Debt Ceiling Isn’t Raised

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew slammed Republican arguments that failure to raise the debt ceiling doesn’t guarantee default as based on “faulty logic.” This is despite the fact that Moody’s, the internationally respected financial rating service, supports the GOP case.

“They say that maxing out our borrowing just means that we will have to cut spending somewhere, that we could continue to service our debt while we make cuts elsewhere,” Lew recounted. “What they are forgetting is that the decision on whether to default or cut other spending is in our hands, not theirs.”

Calling the failure to raise the debt ceiling “a kind of poor man’s balanced budget amendment,” Lew vowed that “the President will not be pressured into cutting back even non-essential functions by this kind of blackmail. We’ve got the full faith and credit of the entire US Government in our sights. If the GOP won’t give the President what he wants we will pull the trigger. Everyone will understand that they made us do it.”

National Parks Service Rejects Donated Porta Potties

With the Parks’ restrooms at the World War II Memorial in Washington, DC closed, a truckload of portable restrooms of the sort used at construction sites was donated by private citizens. NPS Rangers blocked these from being unloaded.

“The President has instructed us to shutdown this site,” explained NPS Director Jonathan Jarvis. “As everyone knows, our efforts have been thwarted by aged veterans breaching our barricades. We certainly can’t reward this disobedience by allowing bladder and bowel evacuation facilities near the Memorial.”

Jarvis scoffed at the notion that this could be construed as vindictive. “Hah, these guys faced worse when they were fighting the Nazis and Japs,” Jarvis gibed. “Were there porta potties on Okinawa or Normandy Beach? If anything, we’re helping them relive some of the hardships they faced in their glory days. Where’s the gratitude?”

In related news, the NPS has begun removing handles from water fountains in public parks they can’t effectively block the public from entering. “Sure, it costs extra time, money and effort to do this,” Jarvis admitted. “But we need to make every reasonable effort to prevent people from using federal park facilities. If a few people suffer from heat exhaustion because they’re dehydrated maybe they’ll get the message: these parks are CLOSED.”

Mall Closed to Citizens, Open to Illegal Aliens

At the same time the National Parks Service has been going the extra mile to prohibit veterans from trespassing on sites in Washington, DC, the Administration issued a permit for an immigration reform rally on the Mall.

Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney justified the disparate treatment as “in accord with the President’s vision for America. As grateful as we may be for the contributions made by World War II veterans, it must be acknowledged that the useful role they played is in the past. They rose to the occasion when they were needed. In no sense of the word are any of their recent attempts to visit the World War II Memorial ‘needed.’”

“In contrast, the President has made it clear that immigration reform is crucial for the future,” Carney continued. “Those in the country illegally must be brought out of the shadows and granted a place from which they can exert their influence to help transform the nation.”

“So, the bottom line is that trips down memory lane by aged vets are not important to the future of America,” Carney asserted. “Rallying for immigrant rights is. Temporarily barring the one while enabling the other makes perfect sense. It is both politically imperative and socially just.”

ATF Blocks Book Exposing Fast and Furious Gun-Running Scheme

The Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms is asserting authority to block the publication of whistle blower John Dodson’s book The Unarmed Truth: My Fight to Blow the Whistle and Expose Fast and Furious. The book ban was issued by Deputy Ethics Official Greg Serres on the grounds that supervisors can deny outside employment “for any reason.” Dodson writing a book on his own time is considered “outside employment.”

“Dodson is seeking to profit from knowledge he gained while being employed by the ATF,” Serres said. “It is the agency’s contention that all knowledge gained on the job belongs to the agency. It has an absolute right to control how it is used.”

A significant aspect of this issue according to Serres is that “the book would focus unwanted scrutiny on mistakes made by the agency. It would hurt morale, not to mention threaten the careers of agency leadership and possibly future budget allocations if these mistakes were more widely publicized—a not unforeseeable outcome of the publication of this proposed book.”

The American Civil Liberties Union has criticized the book’s suppression. “That a so-called ‘ethics’ officer would support this censorship is shameful,” ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty contended. “To boldly claim such an expansive authority to conceal damaging information is indicative of a rot more extensive than we can imagine.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

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