John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) vociferously denied ever accusing victims of Obamacare of lying about their troubles. He dismissed video evidence of him making such accusations as “bogus.”

“In an earlier era ‘seeing is believing’ might have been a powerful verification of reality,” Reid said. “However, in this age of increasingly sophisticated computers, software, and savvy users one can no longer count on believing one’s own eyes and ears. It is inconceivable to me that I would have made such a foolish and politically inept assertion in public.”

Reid’s portrayal of sophisticated computer users victimizing him clashed with his nearly simultaneous contention that computer illiteracy is the cause of the myriad of problems with getting people signed up for Obamacare health insurance.

“The government has spent hundreds of millions creating and implementing the computerized sign-up system,” the senator pointed out. “If people aren’t successful in using this system it can only be due to their own ignorance of how to use computers. Perhaps we were too optimistic in allowing individuals to make their own choices on a complex issue like health care.”

“In hindsight, maybe we should’ve gone directly to a universal government run health care system like the one we have for active military personnel,” Reid speculated. “Soldiers don’t have the burden of selecting their own insurers or doctors. These decisions are made for them. All they need to do is follow orders.”

In related news, Dan Pfeiffer, senior adviser to President Obama, said he found Reid’s photo-shopping theory “insightful. Up until now we’ve been assuming that the 30 some videos of the President assuring people that they could keep insurance and doctors that they liked pretty much proved he said those things. We’d overlooked the possibility that these videos may have been concocted by the President’s enemies to make him look bad.”

“Congress Is No Place” for Farmers Statement Defended

Iowa Democratic Senatorial candidate, Representative Bruce Braley’s assertion that Congress is no place for a farmer has not gone over well among the state’s rural population.

“I’m not saying that farmers don’t have a meaningful role to play in our society,” Braley said in his own defense. “Obviously, someone has to grow the crops and raise the livestock to feed this nation. What I’m saying is that farmers lack the skill necessary to make our laws.”

The persons with the necessary skills, according to Braley, are lawyers. “The job of Congress is to enact laws,” Braley observed. “Lawyers are trained in the law. It should be clear that a lawyer is, by far, the most logical option for a state’s Congressional representation.”

Braley brushed off criticism from Iowa’s offended farmers as “insular and parochial. If further proof of the unfitness of farmers to serve as lawmakers was needed this is it. It could hardly be clearer that they lack the training and perspective to be entrusted with the authority to make the laws that govern our country.”

California State Senator Denies Hypocrisy

California State Senator Leland Yee vigorously denied that his arrest on gun running charges in anyway contradicts his long time support of gun control laws.

“My position all along has been that firearms do not belong in the hands of untrained individuals,” Yee maintained. “What I have sought to prevent are shootings carried out by unorganized citizens.”

“The parties for whom I arranged to purchase guns are all well-organized cadres of persons dedicated to a political cause for which the possession of high-powered firearms is essential,” Yee explained. “Do you think that the Islamic jihad has any chance of peacefully prevailing in America? These weapons are absolutely vital to their chances of success.”

Yee described the $2 million he was seeking in exchange for brokering the arms deal as “a key building block of my campaign for California Secretary of State. My quest to disarm those unqualified to own weapons would be substantially bolstered by my election to this position. Adding this money to my campaign fund would have given me a big leg up on my opponents.”

That the proposed arms deal could have endangered Californians was brushed aside by Yee. “The deal was to import the weapons to Newark, New Jersey,” Yee argued. “That is about as far away from California as you can get. The threat that any of my constituents might’ve been harmed is remote.”

California Governor Jerry Brown called Yee’s arrest “an unfortunate setback for sane gun control laws.”

Abortions Are Environmentally Friendly

Reports this past week that hospitals in the United Kingdom have been burning aborted babies to save on fuel costs for heating the buildings appalled some, but not all.

US Environmental Protection Agency Administrator, Gina McCarthy, urged that “once you get beyond the initial ‘gag-reflex,’ the idea has significant environmental positives. First, it almost goes without saying that adding more human beings to the population is a definite stress to the environment. So, abortions make a substantial contribution to lessening this source of stress.”

“Once the abortion is completed what do we do with the ensuing medical waste?” McCarthy continued. “By using it as fuel the hospital has saved the cost of disposal while simultaneously reducing its consumption of alternative fossil fuel. This lowers the pressure to dig more coal mines and drill more oil and gas wells. The result will be less rape of the land. On balance, this is a net positive innovation in resource management.”

Administration Signing up Mexicans for Obamacare

While progress in inducing Americans to sign up for health insurance has been less than robust, The Obama Administration has been meeting with more success signing up Mexican nationals. Affordable Care Act “navigators” are reportedly conducting a vigorous “outreach program” at Mexican Consulates all over the US.

Vice-President Joe Biden rejected contentions that this violates President Obama’s promise that the ACA would cover only American citizens. “The people being signed up are American citizens in everything but name,” Biden insisted. “They reside in the United States. They have jobs or are receiving government benefits in the United States. And we are giving them the option of registering to vote as they sign up for insurance.”

Biden called these persons’ illegal entry and presence in the country “a temporary technicality. They’re going to get amnesty one way or another. If Congress won’t do it the President is prepared to act on his own authority.”

The Vice-President belittled the idea that immigrants ought to be required to pass a test in order to gain citizenship status. “I know we’ve been requiring immigrants to study the Constitution and American history before we grant them full citizenship rights, but is this reasonable or necessary?” Biden asked. “Only a tiny minority of people born in America could pass this test. Why should we hold immigrants to a higher standard?”

US Blocks Sexual Fidelity and Abstinence in Battle against AIDS

To the consternation of African representatives on the UN Commission on the Status of Women (CSW), US and European delegates rejected the idea of including sexual fidelity and abstinence among a list of measures aimed at countering the AIDS epidemic in Africa.

US Ambassador to the United Nations Samantha Power defended the move as “part of the United States devotion to protecting the unrestricted right of individuals to have sex with whomever they choose, whenever they choose. To merely suggest that a person might lower their risk of infection by remaining faithful to a sexual partner or deferring sexual gratification until such time as they can secure a condom is an intolerable infringement on this most basic of human rights.”

CSW delegate from Zimbabwe, Taurai Chinyerere, expressed severe disappointment with the censorship of these options. “We need to advocate every feasible means of fighting this infection,” Chinyerere said. “We are not saying that fidelity or abstinence are the only ways to combat this illness. We only want to include them in our communication to the general public. Rich nations may be confident that they have the means to attack the infection after it has struck, but poor nations must take inexpensive precautions where possible.”

Nevertheless, Power was adamant that “the inclusion of advocacy aimed at self restraint is demeaning toward those who may lack this ability. It implies that those who become ill may be at least partially at fault. This can have devastating psychological impacts that we should do our utmost to avoid.”

Power tried to reassure the distressed African contingent that “the wealthier nations will do what they can to help poorer nations purchase the medications they need to treat HIV and AIDS. Remember, ensuring the revenues of the pharmaceutical firms that have invested so heavily in a cure is a crucial building block to our efforts against this plague. We can’t afford to attenuate their return on this investment if we hope to win this battle without interfering with basic human sexual rights.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you

 

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

“No one has suffered more than the President over this thing,” said Vice-President Joe Biden commenting on the disastrous Affordable Care Act. “I know it will be hard for those who’ve lost coverage or seen their premiums skyrocket to grasp this. But these people have minor individual problems. The President has to face a rising tide of criticism and blame. He’s not used to that. If anyone qualifies for sainthood it’s him.”

Talk show host Ellen Degeneres largely concurred in Biden’s assessment arguing that “while there may be a few malcontents, I think the vast majority of Americans are truly grateful for what the President has done for them.”

“Malcontent” Mort Dedmon begged to differ. “Because of this new law my insurance carrier was forced to cancel our ‘bad apple’ policy,” Dedmon complained. “It didn’t offer a zero out-of-pocket cost coverage for birth control. But it was paying for my wife’s stage-3 breast cancer treatments. I think we’re signed up for a complying plan, but I can’t be sure. My wife’s new doctor made us sign papers accepting financial responsibility in the event that we aren’t signed up. On top of this, the monthly premium for our new insurance is almost twice what we were paying before.”

Biden characterized Dedmon’s situation as “a minor bump in the road. From a broader perspective, the implementation of a nationwide uniform health insurance is of greater importance. Every major advance in civilization always leaves a few people behind. In our view, we must take these inevitable casualties in stride if we hope to win the battle for social justice.”

The “battle” may be a long one, though. The Department of Health and Human Services estimates that as many as one million of the previously uninsured may have signed up to purchase Obamacare compliant policies. HHS is currently unable to ascertain how many of these potential customers will follow through by making payments of their premiums, but predicted that “if payments can approach the 90% range at this rate we’ll be on pace to eradicate the uninsured cohort in less than 20 years.”

In related news, Treasury Assistant Secretary for Tax Policy Mark Mazur admitted to the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee that “I don’t recall anyone raising the issue of whether we have the legal authority to administratively modify the terms of the Affordable Care Act. I mean, this is the President’s law. If he tells us to make changes regarding who is affected by any of its provisions who are we to question him?”

DOJ Rejects Independent Prosecutor Request

Attorney General Eric Holder rejected Texas Senator Ted Cruz’s request that an independent prosecutor be named to investigate IRS targeting of conservatives.

“The impartiality of those presently assigned to this case—both AG Holder himself and his delegated investigator Barbara Bosserman—is tainted,” Cruz contended. “Any finding of ‘no wrong doing’ they may issue would lack credibility.”

Holder dismissed Cruz’s request as “outside the normal range of authorized governmental processes. The voters elected President Obama to rule this country. His appointees are fully empowered by his election to carry out his will. There is no mandate for such a thing as an ‘independent prosecutor.’”

“If Senator Cruz is dissatisfied with the way the President is governing this country he should refer to the US Constitution for a remedy,” Holder added. “This document provides for regular elections. The GOP has every right to advance candidates in these elections in an effort to win control of the government. If the prospect of waiting until the next election is deemed too distant, the President’s critics have the option of impeaching him.”

“Inasmuch as the alleged IRS infractions entail discriminatory intervention in the election process, I find Holder’s suggestion that elections are the proper remedy self-serving and unsatisfying,” Cruz remarked. “In essence, he seems to be promising that the Administration will continue to abuse its authority until it is forcefully thrown out of office by the voters or Congress.”

In related news, the IRS has proposed new regulations that would bar non-profit organizations from publishing “legislative scorecards” or mentioning any elected officials by name in any of their communications. IRS Commissioner, John Koskinen explained that “we don’t feel it is appropriate for a member of Congress, for example, to have these kinds of organizations monitoring his every move. Informing voters is the job of the recognized professional media, not some self-appointed interlopers funded by the Koch brothers.”

Judge Rules Border Fence Illegal

U.S. District Court Judge for the District of Columbia Beryl Howell ruled that “the construction of any kind of barrier to the free movement of people across the US/Mexican border is illegal. There can be no disputing that such a barrier would explicitly target a protected ethnic minority. This violates the equal protection clause.”

As the Judge sees it, “in order to pass muster, a policy, program, or enforcement must be shown to affect all racial, ethnic, religious, sexual, and sexual-orientation subsets of the population in roughly equal proportion to each group’s percentage of the population. Since a fence along the United States’ southern border would disproportionally affect Hispanics it is impermissible under our laws.”

Howell suggested that “if Congress is determined to build a border fence they should look north rather than south. The mix of populations on both sides of the US/Canada border is roughly similar. No one group would be disproportionally disadvantaged by having their movements over this border impeded.”

While not part of the case being adjudicated, Judge Howell hinted that “deportations should be subjected to scrutiny, as well. There is little doubt in my mind that a disproportionate share of those being forced to leave this country against their will are Hispanic. This would also appear to violate the equal protection clause.”

The Mexican Government hailed Howell’s decision. Mexico’s former foreign minister, Jorge Castañeda, insisted that “there must be no impediments to the migration of Mexican nationals into the land that was stolen from our country by American aggression in the 19^th century.”

Leftist Government Officials Attack NYC Charter Schools

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio pleased the teachers’ union by canceling three previously approved charter schools. However, Brooklyn City Councilman Vincent Gentile wants him to go further.

“Saying no to new charter schools doesn’t do anything to combat the over-achievement being inflicted on our community by the schools that are already operating,” Gentile complained. “The advocates for these schools imagine that a recitation of the learning gains for students in these schools should persuade us that they are a good thing. I maintain that this is evidence of the pernicious effects of the charter school movement.”

“The learning gains of students in charter schools gives them an unfair advantage over their peers in our public schools,” the Councilman pointed out. “This undermines the equality we should be guaranteeing for all children. Not every child can or wants to handle an increased burden of study. Why should those who do be allowed to pull ahead of everyone else? We can’t insure that everyone has the same genetic inheritance, but we can insure that everyone has to cope with the same school environment.”

In support of Gentile’s view, Council Speaker Melissa Mark-Viverito has joined with others to file a lawsuit that would block charter schools from leasing vacant space in public school buildings. “It is better that these classrooms sit idle than that they be used to foster inequality,” she argues. “If we accomplish nothing more than to save the demoralized public school students from having to share space with charter school nerds we will have struck a blow for the kind of social solidarity that must be the uniform goal of all education.”

Bribery Case against Pennsylvania Democrats Dropped

Pennsylvania Attorney General Kathleen Kane (D) has decided to drop charges against four state legislators caught on tape accepting bribes in exchange for voting against a voter ID bill in 2012. According to the tapes, Rep. Ronald Waters got payments totaling $7,650, Rep. Vanessa Brown $4,000, Rep. Michelle Brownlee $3,500, and Rep. Louise Bishop $1,500.

Kane called the investigation “poorly conceived. The notion that these individuals were influenced by the bribes is ludicrous. Every one of the individuals implicated was a Democrat. Democrats would be expected to vote against voter ID no matter whether they were bribed or not. In essence, they were not selling their votes. They were merely bilking the briber by taking money for something they would’ve done anyway. Besides, the amounts were pitifully small. At best, these were petty crimes of opportunity, not major felonies.”

A second factor cited by Kane was that “every one of the bribe takers was an African-American Democrat. I felt it would be inappropriate to go forward with a prosecution laden with these racially and politically disparate impacts. If there had been a more balanced mix in terms of race and political Party the case might have been worthy of pursuing. However, I will not be a party to a prosecution that disproportionately impacts one race over another or one Party over another.”

Governor Warns Gun Owners

The assertion by many Connecticut gun owners that they will not comply with the State’s new requirement to register their weapons did not sit well with Governor Dannel Malloy (D).

“What these people need to realize is that I’m serious,” Malloy declared. “They may chatter about the 4^th Amendment all they want, but if they fail to comply I promise to use the full power of the State to enforce the law. They had the opportunity to make their case before we passed the registration requirement. They lost. We won.”

“Possession of an unregistered firearm is now a felony in this State,” the Governor continued. “Felons cannot expect leniency. If we have to make some examples, kick down a few doors, apply deadly force—we will do so. We have the firepower to out-gun any individual who would dare to defy us. Any blood will be on the hands of those who refuse to obey.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you

John Semmens: Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Despite promising that those who liked their doctors would be able to keep them under Obamacare, President Obama now admits that “in many instances this will not be possible. On balance, though, this is probably a good thing—an unexpected benefit of the Affordable Care Act.”

“Studies have shown that over 90% of the patients seen by doctors would have recovered without any medical intervention,” the President pointed out. “So, if loss of access to a favorite doctor discourages a person from seeking medical help—well, 90% of the time this will result in a saving of both time and money.”

“Health outcomes could also be improved,” the President added. “Let’s not forget that medical care itself is the third leading cause of death in this country. To the extent that our new health care system diverts people from seeking medical attention we may actually be saving lives. In this light, the narrow networks and high out-of-pocket deductibles will save the relatively healthy majority from this fate.”

As for the high cost of insurance premiums under the Affordable Care Act Obama suggested that “if a family were to shift resources away from cable TV and expensive cell phone plans they could easily cover the cost of health insurance. As Michelle has been saying for years now, getting off your duff in front of the TV would, by itself, be a major contributor to better health. Not having access to cable would stimulate more physical activity and its beneficial impacts.”

Schumer Says GOP Needs to Get On-board with Amnesty Plan

Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) warned Republican colleagues that “there’s no question that amnesty will be the law of the land in the near future. The GOP can get on-board and share in the credit or be left behind futilely railing against the inevitability of it all.”

“The choice they face is simple,” Schumer said. “By joining us in legislatively enacting the legalization of these undocumented immigrants they have a chance to blunt the electoral effect of adding millions of new Latino voters. By opposing us to the bitter end they will earn the enmity of these new voters. They should not mistakenly believe that they can block this legalization because the President will move forward to accomplish it by Executive Order if Congress fails to act.”

Senator Complains about CIA Spying

This week Senator Diane Feinstein (D-Calif), a long time supporter of the intelligence community, expressed outrage upon discovering that the CIA has been spying on members of Congress.

“I have backed every budget request the CIA has put forward,” Feinstein declared. “I have defended them against their detractors from both sides of the ideological spectrum. Now we find out that they have been surreptitiously breaking into the emails of members of Congress—including mine. It is one thing to spy on ordinary people. It is quite another for them to spy on a separate branch of government.”

CIA Director John Brennan dismissed the Senator’s complaints saying that “to be effective surveillance must be comprehensive. Just because a person is a member of Congress is no guarantee that he or she doesn’t have malevolent intentions toward the Administration. In fact, Senator Feinstein’s public disclosure of our penetration of her email account is the kind of breach of security that gives aid and comfort to our enemies. As far as I’m concerned it vindicates the need for our Agency to leave no source of information untapped.”

In related news, reports have surfaced that the NSA has been using social networking websites as a means of hacking into individuals’ personal computers. NSA Director General Keith Alexander would neither confirm or deny these reports. However, he did postulate that “from the amount of personal information voluntarily posted on these public sites we don’t think it unreasonable to infer that these individuals have waived their right to privacy. Under these circumstances, it would be irresponsible for us not to use this avenue for the purpose of defending the nation against threats to the Government.”

Vote Fraud Felon Released Early

Melowese Richardson’s five-year sentence for serial vote fraud was commuted to “time served” by Hamilton County (Ohio) Prosecutor Joseph Deters. Richardson was convicted of illegally voting multiple times in elections held in 2009, 2010, and 2012.

“It was my sense that five years in prison was an excessive punishment for Richardson’s crime of over exuberance,” Deters contended. “A passionate devotion to a candidate or policy shouldn’t be used to justify a harsh penalty. After all, who did she hurt? It’s not like she was voting for the Communist Party. She voted for President Obama and a slate of Democrats. She’s a supporter of our government, not a malcontent or dissident.”

Deters brushed aside Richardson’s prior criminal record for intimidation, assault, drunken driving and theft that the sentencing judge cited as support for the five-year term of incarceration as “prejudicial. Ms. Richardson had already been punished for these earlier offenses. The implication that she might be a habitual criminal should’ve been weighed against her 14 years of community service as an election poll worker.”

In related news, a quick investigative report by a Florida TV station found 100 ineligible persons in two counties had voted numerous times over the past few years. Nonetheless, the Obama Department of Justice is suing to block Governor Rick Scott’s efforts to purge voter rolls of those ineligible to cast ballots. “At best, the supposed problem of ineligible voters is clearly minor,” Attorney General Eric Holder maintained. “More fundamentally, though, we challenge the notion that any benefit is attained by blocking these persons from voting. Voting is a human right. No state is justified in denying this right to anyone under any pretext.”

Kerry Issues Ultimatum to Russians

US Secretary of State John Kerry chastised Russian President Vladimir Putin for his country’s “unwarranted interference in the internal affairs of Ukraine” and warned that “serious repercussions will be undertaken.”

“National sovereignty is a principle that you either respect or don’t,” Kerry lectured Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov in high level talks this past week. “Engaging in displays of military strength or actual incursions into a foreign country in order to influence or intimidate its government is not acceptable.”

Lavrov questioned Kerry’s sincerity and historical knowledge by alluding to US intervention in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya in recent years and the American Civil War. “Hypocrisy is not a coherent policy,” the Russian Foreign Minister countered. “Unless Mr. Kerry is ready to acknowledge his own country’s violations of the sovereignty of other states and offer to make amends why should we take his current objections seriously?”

Kerry gave the Russians until Monday to “reverse course or face the consequences.” Kerry declined to elaborate on what the “consequences” might entail on the grounds that “retaining the element of surprise is crucial to the success of any armed intervention.”

Not content to wait for decisive action from the Obama Administration, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is reportedly on his way to Ukraine “to serve as a ‘human shield’ against any further Russian incursions. All we really need is for people of stature to face down these cowardly invaders. If FDR or Churchill had placed themselves in front of the German Army on the Polish border in 1939 Hitler would never have dared attack.”

In related news, Kerry called Israel’s insistence that it be recognized as a Jewish state a mistake. “Globally, there are only 12 million Jews compared to over a billion Muslims,” Kerry observed. “Allowing such a tiny minority to block the majority’s desire to assert a different philosophy of governance for the region now known as Israel would be profoundly undemocratic. Justice requires that the lesser number yield to the greater number. My Government cannot acquiesce in a protocol that would permit a minority to rule over a majority.”

Chicago May Double Property Taxes to Pay for Pensions

With pensions for retired municipal employees exceeding City resources by an estimated $7,000 per household, Mayor Rahm Emanuel has warned residents that he may have to double their property taxes to cover these costs.

The mayor admitted that “doubling the property tax would hit a lot of people hard, but the alternative of cutting back on the benefits we pay to our retirees is unthinkable. Remember, these are people who have dedicated their careers to serving the citizens of this city.”

Emanuel argued that “extracting another few thousand dollars from each home owner seems the more tolerable option. I mean, a tax on property falls on those who are well enough off to be able to afford home ownership. They are people of means who must step up to help the city in its time of need.”

Those familiar with the city’s finances are said to see a doubling of the property tax as “only a temporary fix.” “The city’s fiscal burdens have been allowed to grow uncontrolled for so long that bankruptcy is virtually inevitable no matter what the mayor may do to try to avert it,” said a city inside source who asked that his name be withheld. “The main objective at this point is to protect the mayor’s future political viability for some other office—governor, maybe, or president—by staving off the collapse until he’s moved on to greener pastures. Let the next Mayor bear the burden of foreclosing on property owners who default on tax bills they can’t pay.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.