By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Labor Secretary Thomas Perez reassured the National Press Club that amnesty for illegal immigrants will be forthcoming after the mid-term elections.

“Right now, it would be too risky for the President to declare the kind of big and bold legalization of the millions of undocumented persons in this country that everyone agrees is desperately needed,” Perez said. “The Republicans would use such an action to hammer Democrats running in Congressional races. Once the elections are past, though, there will be nothing anyone can do to impede this reform.”

Granting legal status to the millions of immigrants in this country illegally is, according to Perez, “a crucial piece of the puzzle for the President’s vision of shared prosperity. It’s long since past the time that the wealth being hoarded by Americans is more equitably shared with those less well off around the globe. The streams of people entering through our southern border are a small vanguard for the comprehensive redistribution that is long overdue.”

Perez cited Department of Homeland Security orders for an additional 34 million green cards as solid evidence of Obama’s intentions. “After November 4^th we will be able to hit the ground running,” he boasted. “By 2016, not only those currently in the country, but millions more will have all the documentation they need to fully participate in American life, including driver’s licenses, public housing, food stamps and voting.”

Job Losses Due to Minimum Wage Hike Tolerable

Charlie Christ, the Democratic candidate for governor in Florida brushed aside the prospect that 50,000 low wage workers would lose their jobs if the legal minimum wage is raised.

“First of all, 50,000 is a relatively small number compared to the total workforce in the state,” Christ pointed out. “Few will notice them or be aware of the cause of their unemployment. And it won’t be as if their suffering would be severe. Most will qualify for government assistance. So, I think adding another 50,000 to the state’s welfare cohort is a tolerable price for Florida to bear.”

“Second, the much larger portion of low wage workers who hold onto their, now higher-paying, jobs will be eternally grateful to the government that boosted their income,” Christ continued. “Their votes will help solidify progressive control of the levers of power and allow further gains in the redistribution of wealth over the coming years.”

Emerging Evidence of Vote Fraud Attributed to “Bad Luck”

Several recent events indicating that Democrat efforts to steal the upcoming election were labeled “bad luck” by various spokespersons for the Party.

In Arizona, a man wearing a “Citizens for a Better Arizona” T-shirt was observed stuffing hundreds of vote-by-mail envelopes into a ballot box in Maricopa County. The man refused to identify himself and complained that his actions were “not anyone’s business, but mine. It’s supposed to be a secret ballot. No one has the right to watch me, much less question what I’m doing.”

In an “off-the-record” interview, an Arizona Democratic Party official bemoaned the negative impression the video of the ballot-stuffing episode has caused for the Party. “Under normal circumstances no one would’ve seen anything,” he lamented. “Now because of a video taken by an overzealous poll watcher it appears as if we are cheating. It’s pure bad luck.”

In Chicago, Illinois Republican state representative candidate Jim Moynihan noticed that the voting machine automatically switched his intended vote for GOP candidates into votes for Democrats. Cook County Board of Elections representative Jim Scalzitti attributed the phenomenon to “calibration error. The algorithm is supposed to flip one out of every five votes. We don’t know whether the formula misfired or whether it was just bad luck that a high profile Republican voter who was paying attention was that one-in-five voter in this particular instance.”

“It’s not like the Democrats are stealing every vote,” Scalzitti rationalized. “Sometimes we lose. Over the long run, though, the one-in-five formula has been found to be a pretty reliable buffer. Even if the GOP candidates get 60% of the intended votes, the 20% flip brings their percentage down to 48%–enough to ensure that all but the most heavily detested Democrats are safely elected.”

In North Carolina, State Board of Elections officials discovered that 145 names on voter rolls belonged to illegal immigrants who were granted “Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals” status by President Obama. Attorney General Eric Holder called the discovery “unfortunate. We have been doing all we can to discourage these kinds of scrutinizing of voter rolls. Identifying individual voters like this flies in the face of the whole concept of a secret ballot. We will be investigating this and assessing the penalties we deem warranted.”

In Colorado, Meredith Hicks, director of the political canvassing group Work for Progress, was covertly recorded urging that campaign workers retrieve discarded and unused ballots and cast them for progressive candidates. “If the owner of the vote-by-mail ballot doesn’t want to cast it himself there’s no good reason why we shouldn’t salvage it for our cause,” Hicks said. Hicks’ characterized the covert recording of her illegal strategy by conservative filmmaker James O’Keefe as “underhanded. This invasion of my privacy is an unfair and unfortunate intervention that may encourage some of our workers to shun this opportunity to try to ensure victory for the forces of good in November.”

Kerry Says Israel Responsible for ISIL

US Secretary of State John Kerry maintains that Israel is the reason why ISIL exists.

“Let’s face it, if there were no Jews in the Middle East there would be no need for ISIL,” Kerry argued. “The misguided attempt to provide a homeland for Europe’s displaced Jews after World War II was a provocation. The land currently occupied by Israel was duly conquered by Muslims fourteen hundred years ago. Any effort to roll back any part of that conquest gives Muslims a legitimate grievance.”

Kerry suggested that “a better choice for a Jewish homeland would have been a less volatile location like Madagascar or Alaska. That’s if we assume that one was even necessary. I mean, the number of Jews in the world is tiny, only 12 million. There are about 12 million Mormons. They don’t have their own country. Why should the similarly small population of Jews be accorded this privilege?”

“In contrast, there are 1.5 billion Muslims in the world,” the Secretary observed. “If we truly believe in democracy and majority rule shouldn’t we be siding with this substantial majority instead of the Jewish minority? Perhaps resisting this democratic principle is at the root of all our troubles in the Middle East. Maybe we need to assess whether we are on the wrong side of history here.”

Homeland Security Confiscates Underwear

The Department of Homeland Security nipped a budding threat to Americans’ safety by seizing dozens of women’s panties from a Kansas City boutique. The panties displayed an unauthorized “KC” logo on them.

“This logo is owned by the Kansas City baseball team,” explained Secretary Jeh Johnson. “For the team to be deprived of the revenues to which they are entitled tears at the very fabric of our nation.”

Peregrine Honig, owner of the boutique, said “we were only trying to show our support for the team. It’s been nearly 30 years since the Royals were last in the World Series. I wasn’t mounting an attempt to overthrow the government or anything.”

Johnson declined to say whether the seizure of merchandise would be the end of the matter. “We are reserving our options,” he declared. “If we need to put this shop out of business and jail the proprietor as an example to others is something we’ll have to consider.”

Dem Insists that Republicans Are Responsible for Obama’s Low Ratings

DNC Chairwoman Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-Fla) contends that President Obama’s low approval ratings with voters is due to “persistent GOP resistance to his policy agenda. Voters showed that they decisively support the President when they reelected him in 2012. Instead of helping him act on this mandate, though, Republicans have worked to thwart him at every turn. They have a terrible record, which I’m sure will be repudiated at the polls on November 4^th.”

Wasserman-Schultz ticked off the issues she feels will redound in her Party’s favor in the upcoming vote. “The electorate wants higher spending, yet Republicans have repeatedly characterized many of the President’s programs as ‘wasteful,’” she complained. “Voters know that the President’s plan for open borders and amnesty are the best way to guarantee that progressive policies can be entrenched in our government. The influx of reliably Democratic voters from Mexico and Central America are a key to achieving this goal. Voters also appreciate Democratic efforts to move more people out of the workday rat race and into government support programs like public housing, nutritional sustenance, and even free cell phones. They’ll vote Democrat if they want to continue these vital initiatives.”

The DNC Chair said she understands that many Democratic candidates are wary of associating themselves with the President in this election cycle, but maintained that “this is wrongheaded thinking. We mustn’t let ourselves be swayed by the propaganda that the President’s ideas are being rejected. If we buy into this message we won’t have a mandate to move forward when our Party wins.”

Unmentioned in Wasserman-Schultz’s list of the benefits the government has provided under Obama were the funds invested in giving test rabbits Swedish massages, teaching monkeys how to gamble, and putting lions, monkeys, rats and cows on treadmills. These dubious expenditures were a few of the hundreds of instances of wasteful government spending cited by Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla) in his annual Wastebook compilation of ridiculous and outrageous items in the federal government’s budget. “I think it’s safe to say that if these types of waste of the taxpayers’ money were more widely known, voters might be tempted to tar-and-feather the Democrats than to vote for them,” Coburn speculated.

NY Governor Says Safe Act Needs More Vigorous Enforcement

New York’s Governor Andrew Cuomo (D) says that despite barring over 30,000 individuals deemed “too unstable” to be allowed to possess firearms, “the State’s ‘Safe Act’ stills leaves too many free to obtain these weapons.”

“In my view, anyone who thinks he needs a gun is, prima facie, too unstable to be allowed to have one,” Cuomo ventured. “This would include virtually every member of the National Rifle Association and a considerable portion of registered Republicans. Can a civilized society really condone the possession of weapons by such people?”

As an example, Cuomo cited a recent statement made by the Republican candidate for the US Senate in Iowa, State Senator Joni Ernst. “This woman believes it should be her right to have a gun in case the government decides her rights are no longer important,” Cuomo incredulously recounted. “This is taking individual freedom too far. In our democracy we have empowered our elected representatives to draw the boundaries of where everyone’s rights end and government authority begins. Views to the contrary are obviously evidence of mental instability.”

The Governor said that he hoped that “by speaking out on this issue doctors would be inspired to more closely scrutinize patients for instability and that local police would be more restrictive about who they issue permits to.”

“In an ideal world, only government law enforcement personnel would be permitted to bear arms,” Cuomo maintained. “If personal possession of a firearm were universally outlawed anyone spotted with a gun could simply be shot on sight by police. Threats to the civil order would be more quickly and easily suppressed. Important government officials would be more thoroughly protected. And the domestic tranquility promised by the US Constitution could become a reality.”

North Korea Announces New Travel Restrictions

The Government of North Korea is closing its borders to tourism because of fears it might spread Ebola to the reclusive nation.

The nation’s lone tourist, former NBA basketball player Dennis Rodman, is reportedly “heartbroken that his desire to visit with his ‘best friend,’” dictator Kim Jung Un, may be impeded by “this cruel barrier.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The U.S. troops President Obama has ordered into West Africa to help in the battle against Ebola are receiving a scant 4 hours of training about the virus. Soldiers who have had the training have characterized it as “frightening.” “We will be exposed with minimal protective gear.” “If you get it you’ll probably die a horrible death.” “It’s far worse than getting shot or even blown up.”

United States Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases (USAMRIID) spokeswoman Caree Vander-Linden insisted that the skimpy training was “appropriate for the mission. We’re basically trying to warn the troops to be cautious, to not take undue risks. It’s not that much different than the more typical training teaching them how to avoid being a casualty of enemy attacks.”

Of course, the typical training related to enemy action is usually measured in months rather than hours and is more inherently connected to the normal military mission. Nevertheless, Vander-Linden asserted that “the ability of our armed forces to cope with emerging non-traditional threats is part of President Obama’s planned transformation of America. This projected battle against Ebola will serve as good experience for troops when they are asked to take on the even greater threat of global climate change.”

The inadequate training being given to the troops didn’t dissuade a trio of Democratic Representatives from urging that these troops give direct care to Ebola patients. Reps. Keith Ellison (Minn), Karen Bass (Calif), and Barbara Lee (Calif) contend that “only by putting US troops on the front line of danger can our nation begin to make a down payment on the reparations we owe for slavery. A key byproduct of the exposure to our troops will be an enhanced incentive to increase funding for the CDC to help find a cure. As long as the vast majority of the victims are Africans the American people can afford to remain relatively indifferent. But when their sons and daughters are suffering and dying from this virus their attitudes will change.”

President Dispatches Seasoned Political Operatives to Stem Ebola Crisis

President Obama took decisive action on the growing Ebola crisis this week by appointing two well-traveled political operatives to key roles. On the national front, he named Ron Klain his special Ebola Czar. At the same time, he tabbed Adrian Saenz to manage events on the ground in Dallas—site of America’s “patient zero.”

The fact that neither man has any expertise in any medical field, much less in infectious diseases, took many observers by surprise. Republican Senator Jerry Moran of Kansas called the appointments “puzzling. When I called for the naming of an Ebola czar I thought the fact that a person selected should have the appropriate medical background would go without saying. Boy was I wrong. The President has chosen to address this grave health situation by deploying a pair of Democrat political hacks. I fail to see how this will help.”

Klain has most recently been Chief-of-Staff for Vice-President Biden. He also has experience as a lobbyist and was instrumental in securing a half-billion dollar government subsidy for the failed Solyndra solar panel company. Saenz has most recently served as Special Assistant to the President and Deputy Director of Intergovernmental Affairs and has also worked for numerous Democratic Congressional candidates.

Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest attempted to bridge the credibility gap by emphasizing that “the medical issues are a minor technical aspect of the larger picture. What the President and the country needs even more desperately is someone who can work to restore the people’s faith in their government. These men are skilled in crafting messages that resonate with average Americans, as is amply demonstrated in their previous success in helping elect Democrats to office.”

In related news, Earnest tried to explain Center for Disease Control Director Tom Frieden’s seemingly incoherent assertion that a person can’t get Ebola from riding on a bus, but could give it to someone else on a bus. “Getting people to use public transit is critical to our policy of diverting people from driving their own cars.” Earnest said. “Reassuring bus riders is a crucial part of stemming a stampede out of public transit. The odds of an uninfected person encountering an Ebola carrier on a bus are small. So a person shouldn’t shun using a bus out of an irrational fear. On the other hand, a person who is infected shouldn’t wantonly expose others. So, yeah, if you suspect you may have Ebola, don’t use public transit. It makes perfect sense to me.”

Houston Persists in Effort to Stifle Speech

Though the City of Houston has backed off its demand for local area ministers to submit copies of their Sunday sermons to the City’s attorneys, it is now demanding copies of any non-sermon speeches they may have made.

Mayor Annise Parker, Houston’s first openly lesbian mayor, defended this blatant invasion of freedom of speech, arguing that “Houston Equal Rights Ordinance (HERO) is the law of this land. No one is entitled to speak out against the law, especially not church leaders.”

“Churches have special exemptions from government taxes,” Parker pointed out. “As a quid-pro-quo for this benefit they ought to respect and teach respect for the duly enacted laws of the community—you know ‘render unto Caesar’ and all that. The City has a right to ferret out those who have violated this quid-pro-quo so that targeted corrective action to revoke these special exemptions may be undertaken where warranted. The requested copies of speeches will help the City distinguish which churches have violated their obligations under these exemptions.”

First Lady Frustrated in Efforts to Motivate Democrat Voters

First Lady Michelle Obama showed signs of increasing impatience with the Democrats’ voter base in her efforts to drum up enthusiasm for the Party’s candidates. “Too many of the voters who helped put Barack in office seem to be asleep at the wheel for these mid-term races,” she complained.

Michelle speculated that “poor diet may play an even bigger role than we thought. I mean, if a person is overweight feasting on junk food, getting up to go to the polls and vote may be too daunting a task. We’ve done all we could to try to eliminate impediments to voting. More voters than ever had been freed from having their time taken up having to go to a job to earn a living. We give them public housing, food stamps, even free cell phones. Why can’t they make the minimal effort to give Democrats their vote?”

In related news, another court struck down another state’s voter ID requirement. In this case, the Arkansas Supreme Court negated a state law requiring voters to show a photo ID at the polls. “It is hard enough to get the indolent segment of the population to make the effort to vote,” the court ruled. “Requiring them to show the same type of ID they must show to purchase liquor is an intolerable and unnecessary burden. Not taking the voter’s word that he is who he claims to be is an unconstitutional infringement on the right to vote.”

Guatemalan President Blames US for Illegal Immigration from His Country

Guatemalan President Otto Perez says the recent influx of illegal immigration to the US from Central American nations is America’s fault.

“Look, Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvadore are veritable cesspools,” Perez admitted. “Who wouldn’t want to leave? Compare this to welfare obtainable in the United States if you are poor and you have a strong motivation to try to get there. With President Obama’s open border policies its practically an invitation to make the arduous journey north.”

As an alternative to mass migration, Perez suggested that “more generous foreign aid to our counties in the south could dampen the need for us to export our excess poor. First, if there are meaningful financial rewards for our government officials the incentive to take steps to discourage this traffic will be enhanced. Second, if we distribute a small share of the foreign aid in the form of benefits to our impoverished citizens perhaps they will see less need to try to escape the deploring conditions in our countries.”

“The ball is in your court Mr. Obama,” Perez taunted. “Pay us now or bear the consequences later.”

US War on ISIL Gets Name

After several weeks of debate on what the US bombing campaign against ISIL ought to be called, the Obama Administration has settled on “Operation Inherent Resolve.”

Joint Chiefs of Staff General Martin Dempsey explained that “though the phrase has been dubbed ‘squishy’ by some, it embodies a basic truth about the campaign. We are trying to tread a fine line here. Those favoring the annihilation of these terrorists are urging us to go outside the bounds of the President’s thinking. The President wants an accommodation with Islam. The fear is that if we annihilate these jihadis we will alienate a billion Muslims around the globe.”

“The aim, as President Obama has clearly stated on numerous occasions, is to ‘degrade’ ISIL, not destroy it,” Dempsey declared. “If ISIL were destroyed there would be no authority left with which we could reach an accommodation. A plan to destroy ISIL could have been described as ‘explicit resolve.’ However, the more complex objective of holding back our response to keep it within the parameters of the President’s philosophy implies a sort of resolve. So, the ‘inherent resolve’ is the best compromise moniker we could come up with.””

Colorado Governor Plays “Extortion Card” in Bid for Reelection

Unfavorable trends in recent polls have spurred Colorado’s Governor John Hickenlooper (D) to threaten to release mass murderer Nathan Dunlap from prison if he is defeated in the November 4^th election. Nathan Dunlap killed four people at an Aurora Chuck E Cheese restaurant in 1993.

“If I am reelected I’ll be too busy with other work to have the time to commute his sentence and let him out of prison, “Hickenlooper said. “Should voters turn me out, though, well, I probably won’t be too busy to consider commuting the sentences of Dunlap and other long-suffering inmates of our state prison system.”

University Officials Crack Down on Free Speech

University officials at Southern Oregon University (SOU) threatened students with disciplinary action for having the temerity to pass out copies of the US Constitution on campus last week.

“Freedom of speech is not without limits in our society,” according to SOU Director of Student Housing, Tim Robitz. “If the students who want to hand out copies of the Constitution would only read the document they’d see that it is Congress that shall make no law abridging freedom of speech. There is no mention of the SOU administration in that document. So we are not similarly prohibited from abridging this freedom if we deem it necessary.”

“The fact that the University has set aside a special free speech zone in a designated location on campus shows that we have done more than we have to to facilitate the rantings of the discontented,” Robitz contended. “Complaints from malcontents that the designated space is small and inconveniently off the main pathway demonstrate a lack of gratitude for the privileges we have extended to them.”

Robitz also criticized “the arrogance of those who assume that right is on their side. Not everyone is a fan of free speech. Many students have come to me to express their fear of being confronted with discomforting political points of view. Don’t they have an equal right to be protected from having to listen?”

NIH Deflects Criticism of Spending Priorities

GOP critics of government priorities in how tax dollars are spent have latched onto the National Institutes of Health investment in studying why lesbians are fat as a sign of the agency’s poor judgment.

Rep. Michael McCaul (R-Tex) says “the more we learn about the decisions made by this Administration, the worse it sounds. Back in 2008 the incoming Obama Administration was advised that it should take stronger measures against a possible Ebola pandemic. Instead, they divert scarce resources to studies like this.”

NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins defended the allocation of resources. “The number of obese lesbians in this country easily exceeds the number of Ebola patients,” Collins observed. “Using our limited resources toward efforts to serve this larger cohort doesn’t seem out of line to me.”

“On top of this, let’s not forget that even for those who have contracted the Ebola virus the suffering is relatively brief,” Collins asserted. “On the other hand, obesity is often a lifelong problem that can produce decades of mental anguish and physical and emotional pain. So, no, I don’t think the NIH’s priorities are out of whack and I deplore the political opportunism of those who would like to make it appear as if they are.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.