By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
President Obama characterized GOP critics of his Executive Order granting new rights to illegal immigrants as “excessively whiny. I’ve been really quite restrained compared to what I could have done.”
To help illustrate his self-imposed mercy, the President reminded his critics that “President Lincoln was far harsher with his critics than I have been. Hundreds of men were summarily arrested and their property confiscated for their criticism of his actions to suppress the secessionist movement. I have, as yet, done nothing of a similar nature, though my advisers tell me I’d be within my rights to do so.”
“Neither have I threatened any of my critics with execution, as Lincoln and his cabinet did on a regular basis during the Civil War,” Obama added. “So, on balance, I’d recommend that the GOP consider themselves lucky that their biggest complaint is that I’m ignoring the law and the Constitution. How far they wish to push their luck is something they may want to weigh very carefully. I am the nation’s Commander-in-Chief and, like Lincoln, I have a host of well-armed men ready to carry out whatever orders I give them.”
In related news, Obama’s Executive Order on immigration has received the endorsement of Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto who hailed “this first step toward the restoration of our rights taken away by the Americans in their war of aggression in 1846-48.”
Hillary’s Steep Speaking Fees Justified
Recently retired Secretary of State and probable future presidential candidate Hillary Clinton continues to knock down hefty $300,000 per appearance fees for her speaking engagements. Husband and former President Bill Clinton maintains that this compensation is “fully justified.”
“Considering that Hillary has dedicated her life to serving this country it is about time that she garners the kind of compensation she deserves,” the $250,000 per speech former US Chief Executive asserted. “Stingy taxpayers and their slavish Congressional representatives prevent the talented people who serve in government from being adequately rewarded for their self-sacrificing service. Redressing this injustice shouldn’t be criticized.”
Clinton cited the failure of Hillary’s memoir of her time as Secretary of State as a further justification for the ploy of having university officials act as intermediaries in rectifying the general reading public’s indifference to her screed. “The average book buyer isn’t really competent to judge the worth of Hillary’s efforts,” Bill contended. “Fortunately, those who run the nation’s institutions of higher learning can override this slight.”
University students and donors who questioned the propriety of spending so much on a speech by a single individual have been dismissed by university officials as “out of step with the bigger picture. The contention that this money could be better spent to provide a wider array of educational benefits is mistaken. It is not the run-of-the-mill cohort of our population that needs to be nurtured, but the truly great minority.”
Former President Clinton suggested that “those who would begrudge Hillary this financial payoff can easily remedy the situation by electing her president in 2016. Then they will be able to see and hear her speak for free on their own TV sets on a regular basis.”
Ferguson Riots Dwarfed by 1965’s Watts Riots
Jealous of all the media attention being given to the riots in Ferguson Missouri, Los Angeles City Councilman Bernard Parks has introduced a resolution calling for a celebration of the 50th anniversary of the Watts Riots.
“From all the hoopla attached to the recent events in Ferguson you’d think that this riot is the most significant Black uprising against white oppression in recent memory, but you’d be wrong,” Parks said. “Back in 1965 the Black Community devastated Watts causing 34 deaths, 1,032 injuries, and over $40 million in property damage. Over 3,000 people were arrested. What went down in Ferguson fell far short of this accomplishment.”
Regardless of the differences in magnitude of the destruction in Watts and Ferguson, the majority of the businesses burned and looted in both instances were minority owned. According to Ferguson protester Buster Scully, though, “that’s okay. Genuine Blacks don’t own businesses. That’s a white behavior. Weeding out the ‘oreos’ among us is one of the key steps in the revolution against capitalist oppression.”
In related news, Members of the Congressional Black Caucus (CBC) denounced the grand jury that refused to indict Officer Darren Wilson. “The rioting and destruction that has resulted has demonstrated the cost of placing the rights of one white individual ahead of the collective rights of the Black Community,” complained CBC Chair Marcia Fudge (D-Ohio). “Whether in a technical sense Wilson’s actions were necessary to preserve his life is less important than the social cost of his doing so. The greater good of the greater number sometimes requires the sacrifice of the one for the sake of the many.”
Schumer Says Enacting Obamacare Was a Mistake
Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) stirred up an intra-Party squabble by asserting that 2010’s passage of the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, was a mistake.
“At best, the number of prospective beneficiaries was small,” Schumer pointed out. “And, as it turned out, was vastly outnumbered by those hurt by the legislation. The deceptions required to ensure the bill’s passage were easily pierced as Americans found out they could not keep their doctors or health plans they liked and that the cost of their insurance was going to be higher. There was no way the Democratic Party could escape blame.”
What Democrats should have done, according to Schumer was “stick with the tried-and-true strategy of bailouts and stimulus. Handing out money is always popular. The recipients love it. Even if the projects the government selects go belly up, like Solyndra did, hardly anyone notices. The damages are widely dispersed among all taxpayers and can also be diluted by inflation. No individuals see thousand dollar increases in insurance premiums or get frustrated finding they have to pay a $10,000 deductible before any benefits accrue.”
Schumer worried that “the image of government may have been fatally tainted by the Obamacare debacle. The high-profile failure of Obamacare to work as promised combined with the unfortunate public boasting of Professor Gruber is added ammunition for the critics of big government. The image of competence and benevolence that our Party has carefully crafted since Roosevelt’s New Deal is in danger of being destroyed.”
Dems Rebuff GOP Criticism of Illinois
The Republican Party’s efforts to cite Illinois as a dire example of what happens when Democrats run a state was strongly contested by that state’s leading Democrats.
Republicans say that the fact that there are more people on welfare in the state than are working is a sign of poor government policies. Governor Pat Quinn characterized this argument as “misleading. The fact that a prosperous minority is able to support the majority is a triumph of democracy. The ‘haves’ caring for the ‘have nots’ is the implementation of a moral ideal that lies at the core of every major religion.”
Quinn also pooh-poohed GOP concerns about the state’s $78 billion in unfunded pension obligations—worse than any other state in the country. “The Republican assumption that this will turn into a fiscal disaster overlooks the very real possibility that President Obama will issue an Executive Order authorizing the US Treasury to fund any shortfall,” Quinn argued. “We’ve already seen how the President has broken free of restrictions that even he had previously feared to shuck off on the immigration issue. Can reasonable people really believe that he would allow these obsolete fetters to keep him from rescuing his home state?”
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel totally rejected the GOP idea that his city’s impressively high murder rate has anything to do with any policies he might have instituted. “To apply white standards to this largely Black phenomenon is supremely insensitive and racist,” he insisted. “People who can afford to settle their disputes in court have no business criticizing the less costly methods of conflict resolution chosen by the poor.”
US State Department Assails Israel’s Anti-Terrorist Steps
Israel’s practice of destroying the homes of terrorists and its proposed legislation to deny them publicly-funded retirement benefits were assailed by US State Department spokeswoman Jen Psaki.
“The right to adequate housing and retirement benefits are human rights that were first implemented by President Franklin Roosevelt in this country 80 years ago,” Psaki observed. “They have since been adopted by the United Nations as fundamental rights. For Israel to interfere with the universal application of these fundamental rights is a crime against the human race.”
Psaki refused to accept Israel’s contention that such measures were legitimate efforts to combat terrorists in their midst. “The effectiveness or necessity of these measures cannot overcome their intrinsic injustice,” she argued. “Besides, throwing terrorists into the street can only serve to stoke their sense of grievance. Likewise, cutting them off from retirement pensions will only force them to continue to ply their trade. It seems to us that pensioning off terrorists might be a more gentle and effective way to ween them away from blowing up buildings and killing killing people.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.