By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Incoming Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) brushed off complaints from his Party’s conservative wing that his recent actions on the Cromnibus Bill served mainly to enable President Obama’s illegal amnesty and fund all of his ill-conceived initiatives—including Obamacare—that Republicans had pledged to oppose if they won the November elections.

“Rather than get bogged down in fighting over every specific policy or program, we are going to rebrand the GOP as the Party of ‘yes,’” McConnell said. “People don’t like to hear the word ‘no.’ They prefer to get what they want. If we can communicate the message that Republicans are the ones who say ‘yes’ to what the people want we can solidify our Party’s grip on the majority.”

According to the new Majority Leader, “continuing to try to stave off amnesty or socialized medicine are lost causes. It is clear that regardless of what the law says, President Obama is going to allow immigrants to enter the country illegally. He is going to give them documents that will enable them to get jobs if they want them or to collect welfare if they don’t. He is going to get them registered to vote and to the polls on election day. There is nothing we can do to stop this.”

“But if we can persuade all these newcomers that the GOP can do a better job of giving them everything they want we will woo them over to our side and thwart the Democrats’ plans for dominance,” McConnell explained. “By saying yes to the trillion dollar continuing resolution even when we didn’t have to, I think we earned crucial street cred with Latino voters. As we demonstrate to this cohort that we can give them everything that the President has promised we will eradicate any need for them to vote Democrat.”

Rangel Decries “Dead Cops” Slander

Rep. Charles Rangel (D-NY) contended that claims that police brutality protesters chanted “we want dead cops” are “a slander against Black people.” This is despite video and audio evidence that appears to verify the claim.

“To my ears, these protesters are saying ‘we want dread cops,’” Rangel maintained. “Some of us may not have the strongest skills with the English language or be very good with our elocution, but in my heart I can’t believe that my people would call for bloodshed.”

In Rangel’s view it makes more sense that the demonstrators were calling for “dread cops, because dreads are worn by peaceful folks and what the Black community is asking for is peace between the races.” Rangel dismissed the vandalism that has accompanied many of the protests as “outbursts of exuberance that ought not blind us to the pacific objectives of our effort.”

The Congressman suggested that “if a pool of money could be set up to fund the aspirations of Black America these types of street actions wouldn’t be necessary. If every family’s needs were attended to, if they all had nice homes, if they had enough food, satellite TV, and cell phones there’d be no need for them to take their anger out into the streets.”

Song Mocking Michael Brown Spurs Investigation

The disclosure that a song making fun of Michael Brown—the young man shot by Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson last August—was played at a party at an Elks Lodge in Glendale California has inspired the Los Angeles Police Department to open an investigation.

“Michael Brown has become an icon of the Black Community,” LAPD information officer Jesus Santos asserted. “Many see him as a martyr who died defending the rights of their race. White people have no right to mock him. We need to find out who is behind this song and bring him or her to justice.”

Santos speculated that “justice for what is obviously a ‘hate crime’ could entail a stretch in prison and millions of dollars in damages for slandering the thousands of demonstrators whose refusal to abide by rules they did not make was a target for ridicule in the song’s lyrics.”

Shekeela Kopps, co-chair of Hands Up, Don’t Shoot’s California chapter, hailed the LAPD “for finally seeing the light. The Black people of this country have grievances. Michael Brown had grievances that he tried to rectify through personal initiative. He had as much right to those cigars as the shopkeeper who tried to extort money from him. He had a right to walk in the street. He had a right to defend himself against police oppression. That he was shot down for trying to exercise his rights was a crime that white society refuses to punish.”

“That song is disrespectful,” Kopps charged. “Not only does it portray Michael as a thug, it also belittles the efforts of those who have sought to mourn and honor him by smashing the oppressors and liberating the merchandise they withhold from us unless we pay their price.”

FDA to Announce Ban on Sprinkles

Though the amount of trans fats in the sprinkles that are used to adorn donuts and ice cream cones is extremely low, the Food and Drug Administration is determined to eliminate these items from the food chain.

“There is no good reason why anyone should consume these non-nutritional pollutants in our food supply,” said FDA nutrition expert Harley Sain. “The donuts and ice cream cones where sprinkles are usually found are bad enough on their own without this worthless addition.”

Sain admitted that “if it were totally up to me, we’d be banning the donuts and ice cream, too. No one needs to eat these to survive. The world would be healthier without them. Removing them from the diet is more of a long term goal. We need to move in increments that won’t stir up too much opposition. As people gradually become more accustomed to greater government control over what they are allowed eat we can take larger strides toward a perfectly calibrated diet for all.”

In the meantime, “if the lack of sprinkles deters only one person from consuming a donut or ice cream cone, well, that’s a fringe benefit that no one could reasonably oppose,” Sain added.

Administration Expert Calls for Zero CO2 Emissions

White House Science Adviser John Holdren declared that “the global goal should be to strive for zero carbon dioxide emissions by the year 2100.” He also warned that “it won’t be easy.”

One of the factors adding to the difficulty is that every living creature exhales CO2 as an essential function of being alive. The seemingly simple solution of exterminating every living thing is complicated by the emission of greenhouse gases—including CO 2—from decaying corpses.

Despite these looming difficulties, Holdren says he is “optimistic that ways around these impediments will be devised before we get to 2100. If the exhalation of CO2 could somehow be captured, maybe by encasing every person in some impermeable substance like those prehistoric insects trapped in amber, I think it could be done.”

Holdren predicted that “the political viability of this final solution to the problem of climate change is enhanced by the fact that everyone currently in a position to set the process in motion will be long dead before we get to 2100. Those too young or not even born yet can do nothing to stop us if we implement irreversible processes toward this objective within the next decade or so.”

Judge Throws Out Suit Against Obama’s Illegal Immigration Action

Judge Beryl Howell of the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia threw out Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s lawsuit against President Obama’s executive action on immigration. In the suit, the Arizona sheriff contended that Obama lacked the legal authority to unilaterally revise immigration law.

Howell refused to consider the merits of Arpaio’s case, ruling only that he lacked standing to file suit. “The plaintiff has failed to prove he has been damaged in any way by the alleged illegal act,” she ruled. “Until he has personally suffered some sort of tort, until he has been physically harmed or his property stolen, the Sheriff has no grounds for suing the President.”

The Judge denied Arpaio’s argument that as a law-enforcement official he had standing to intervene on behalf of the citizens he is responsible for protecting. “It is a well-established principle of law that the state and its officers have no legal obligation to protect any citizen,” Howell pointed out. “The voluminous data on crimes committed by illegal aliens in Arizona do not alter this principle of law.”

Further, Howell admonished Arpaio for “blatant insubordination. When the President takes action it is every citizen’s duty to cooperate and obey. If we allow subservient members of society to object, we invite disorder and chaos. Mr. Arpaio should consider himself lucky that the President has restrained himself from taking the harsh punitive measures that the Sheriff’s disobedience would appear to warrant.”

NYC Mayor Blames Media for Disrupting Unity

New York Major Bill de Blasio lashed out at the media for disrupting the City’s unity. “While I have been working diligently to convey an image of solidarity between myself and those protesting against police brutality, the media have introduced divergent perspectives that now threaten what I’ve sought to achieve.”

The “divergent perspective” seems to be the idea that murdering police officers is an illegitimate method of protest against perceived racial inequities in law enforcement.

“Police knowingly undertake jobs that are inherently risky,” de Blasio said. “Still, when all the numbers are tabulated, the police suffer fewer casualties than they inflict. We shouldn’t allow an emotional response to the recent execution of Officers Liu and Ramos by a self-appointed avenger to obscure this reality.”

De Blasio suggested that “the media should look to the City’s elected officials and me, specifically, for the appropriate slant on an issue of such importance. It has been done this way in Cuba for the last 50 years and we never see their media casting the government in a negative light.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

Judge Arthur Schwab of the Western District of Pennsylvania ruled that portions of President Obama’s unilateral action on illegal immigrants violate the US Constitution’s separation of powers.

“The alleged grounds of prosecutorial discretion are inadequate to support the totality of what he has tried to do,” Schwab said. “He can decline to prosecute these lawbreakers. That is the limit of his discretion. He does not have the authority to issue them identity papers that would make them eligible for employment or government benefits that existing law prohibits.”

Democratic U.S. Senators Dick Durbin (Ill) and Richard Blumenthal (Conn) contend that Schwab is wrong. “The issue is one of human rights,” Durbin argued. “It is because existing laws have neglected to fulfill these rights that the President has been forced to take the law into his own hands.”

“The President could have, through a refusal to act, become complicit in Congress’ failure to do the right thing,” Blumenthal declared. “But he rose above obedience to the lesser authority of heeding the Constitution in order to meet his greater responsibility as a human being.”

Both senators urged the President to “ignore this small-minded judge. He has no means of compelling the President to do anything. He only has power if we, ourselves, yield to his decision.”

Joyce Branda, acting Assistant Attorney General, concurred in the senators’ assessment saying that “the President has absolute discretion to interpret and enforce, or not enforce, or to modify the law as he deems fit.”

Determined not to sit by idly while President Obama runs roughshod over the Constitution, Congress passed legislation (HR4681) that empowers the government to collect, retain, and disseminate all electronic communications including voice calls on all US citizens. “There are a lot of dangerous people with dangerous ideas out there,” House Speaker John Boehner explained. “We cannot let these people hide behind the freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution as a means of concealing their antipathy toward what those of us in government are doing for this country. The ability to collect information on what they are doing and saying is vital to defending the government’s interests.”

In related news, the Obama Administration demanded that a lawsuit contesting the President’s executive action on immigration be dismissed by the court. The suit was filed by Arizona sheriff, Joe Arpaio. According to Attorney General Eric Holder, “as a minor local official, Arpaio lacks standing to challenge an action taken by a president who embodies the supreme authority of the nation.”

Sessions Will Not Be Senate Budget Committee Chairman

Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala) will not be the incoming chairman of the Senate Budget Committee. He has been pushed aside in favor of Sen. Mike Enzi (R-Wyo) despite having served as the top Republican on the committee for the past four years.

“It came down to a simple question of who was acceptable to President Obama,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) said. “While Senator Sessions has served competently while our Party was in the minority, the President has made it clear that someone more agreeable must man this vital post going forward.”

“The time for contesting the priorities of the government must give way to a time of cooperation and compromise,” McConnell explained. “Senator Sessions voted with Senator Cruz on the recent Cromnibus bill and against our Party’s leadership. Senator Enzi supported both the Party’s leadership and President Obama. He is the type of ‘team player’ this country needs if we are to efficiently conduct the government’s business.”

University Students Sign Petition to Deport Citizens

Two-thirds of the George Washington University students who were asked to sign a petition calling for Americans to be deported in order to make room for illegal immigrants to reside in the country did so.

“The ones we’ve labeled as ‘illegal immigrants’ have just as much right to be here as anyone,” said political science major Adelle Pated. “I mean, as a nation of immigrants, the recent arrivals are probably more representative of what this country is all about than the people born here.”

“Deporting anti-social segments of the citizenry to balance out the population flow makes ecological sense,” contended environmental sciences major Fred Fowler. “I would hope that the people ejected to make room would include opponents of abortion. They’re the ones who agitate against the needed culling of the species that must be accomplished if we are to achieve sustainability.”

Sony Gives Sharpton Say So on Future Movie Releases

In an effort to undo some of the damage from the release of embarrassing internal emails by hackers angry over the movie “The Interview,” Sony executive Amy Pascal agreed to let race expert Al Sharpton have the final say on any future movies the firm makes.

Although not a party to the hacking, per se, Sharpton castigated Sony for “it’s extreme racial bias in the way this controversial film was made. Blacks were excluded from all the major roles. I don’t buy the idea that a movie about a Korean dictator isn’t a good fit for Black actors. If Jamie Foxx can play the Daddy Warbucks character in “Annie” he could certainly play Kim Jung-un. And why wasn’t Chris Rock cast as one of the interviewers?”

In response to threats that movie theaters showing “The Interview” would be bombed, Sony pulled the film from distribution. Sharpton made it clear that “I don’t endorse all the tactics of these cyber bullies. On the bright side, though, it gives Sony an opportunity to recast the film with a more racially balanced assortment of actors.”

While some are calling the threat to bomb theaters “an act of war,” President Obama struck a calmer pose. “The threat has been neutralized by Sony’s decision to pull the film,” the President boasted. “The loss of one film made by a racist corporation is damage our nation can easily shrug off. There are plenty of other movies for people to see. So for now, my recommendation would be: Go to the movies.”

US Nuclear Disarmament 85% Accomplished

The State Department’s Under-Secretary for Arms Control and International Security, Rose Gottemoeller, proudly bragged to a Brookings Institution gathering that “our progress toward total nuclear disarmament is now 85% of the way there. If we can maintain the pace, our last nuclear device will be moth-balled before President Obama completes his term.”

Gottemoeller asserted that “it is our fervent hope that our example will inspire others to follow suit” and maintained that “a nuclear-free world will be a safer world.” Whether either of these aspirations would bear out is unknown. Prior to the dawn of the nuclear age less potent weaponry took the lives of 50 million people during World War II. It is also conceivable that the United States’ leadership in disarming may be seen as an opportunity for aggression rather than a model to be emulated.

Homeland Security Advises Bigger, Stronger Fence

Citing the “dire threat” posed by uninvited intruders, the US Department of Homeland Security is recommending a substantial investment in improved fencing for the White House.

“As it stands right now, hostile elements can easily breach the meager barrier that the current fence around the White House presents,” Secretary Jeh Johnson complained. “This is as grave a threat to our nation and its government as could exist. We must take steps to seal off the ease of ingress as a matter of national security.”

Administration critics juxtaposed Johnson’s alarm over the inadequacy of the White House fence with his more blasé attitude toward the border fence between the United States and Mexico. Rep. Steve Stockman (R-Texas) pointed out that “the Administration has deflected every effort to improve the fencing on our southern border claiming that ‘fences are ineffective.’ Why then does the White House, which has had far fewer intruders than the millions who have invaded our country from the south, think it needs a better fence?”

Johnson rebutted Stockman’s argument saying that “a fence aimed at stopping a handful of intruders is a more manageable task than one aimed at stopping millions. Beyond the feasibility issue, is the fact that the President is the most important person in the world. No expense should be spared to insure that he remains safe.”

“Besides, the President has determined that immigration to America ought to be welcomed rather than resisted,” Johnson added. “Just last month he decreed that he will not deport them. Instead he will issue them papers so they may freely move about the country, get jobs if they so choose, and obtain the social services to which every qualified American is entitled.”

President’s Change in Cuban Policy Called “First Step”

Congressman Charlie Rangel (D-NY) hailed President Obama’s move to reestablish diplomatic relations with Cuba as “inspired leadership that has made me proud to be an American.”

“For too long a succession of white presidents has oppressed this small, racially diverse island nation,” Rangel contended. “It took a Black man to right this wrong.”

Rangel said he hopes that “diplomatic recognition is the just the first step. We need to make reparations for the 50 years of suffering the US Government has imposed on the Cuban people.”

The Congressman said he “would support legislation aimed at providing food, housing, and other amenities that the Cuban people have been denied. We should give them EBT cards. We should build them decent housing with air conditioning and satellite TV.” Rangel, though, expressed pessimism that Congress would support such legislation and urged President Obama to provide these items “on his own authority.”

Cuban President Raul Castro endorsed the “executive action” option arguing that “justice does not wait for legislative majorities. Justice asserts itself by the deeds of one man if that is what it takes.”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.

By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News

The Obama Administration defied a court order to turn over documents the IRS illegally shared with the White House in its political vendetta against 2500 conservative organizations.

Secretary of the Treasury Jacob Lew, Obama’s former White House Chief of Staff, maintains that “for us to be compelled to testify against ourselves would violate the the Constitution’s Fifth Amendment. And if there’s one thing that this Administration will defend to the last it is the inviolability of the Constitution.”

The specific clause the Secretary is referring to is the one barring the government from compelling an individual in a criminal case to be a witness against himself. The use of this clause in order to protect the government from inquiries on behalf of the citizens would appear to invert the intent of the Amendment.

Nonetheless, Lew was adamant in his insistence that “I am an individual. The president is an individual. The sharing of the IRS records with the White House is a crime. So, I think we’re within our rights to refuse the court’s unconstitutional ruling mandating that we, in effect, be forced to verify our illegal activities.”

Lew rebuffed the plaintiff’s contention that the privacy of the affected taxpayers could be protected by redacting confidential information. “The privacy of these taxpayers is just one small part of the issue,” he argued. “None of these taxpayers face jail in this dispute. At worst, their ability to actively oppose the Administration’s policies may have been impeded a bit and there may have been some harassment and intimidation by the IRS, but these are the normal tactics administrations have traditionally used against opponents since FDR. None of these previous administrations were forced to disclose their illegal tactics. Enforcing the law against the administration of America’s first Black president would be racist. We will not be a party to that.”

Consumers to Blame for Obamacare’s Failures

Former Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius attempted to defend the Affordable Care Act health insurance scheme she helped establish by blaming consumers for its shortcomings.

“A lot of Americans have no idea what insurance is about,” Sebelius said. “It’s a complicated product that few are competent to purchase. In hindsight, our biggest mistake was probably trying to incorporate a modicum of individual choice into the system.”

“If we had just set up a single-payer government-run health insurance regime a lot of the complaints that riled the general public could have been avoided,” she continued. “All of the caterwauling over the bronze, silver, and platinum plans would never had arisen. Health experts would have determined precisely what services each person should receive using a collective national benefit metric—kind of like what what we do for active and retired military personnel.”

Sebelius blamed Republicans. “Their intransigent opposition to socialized medicine derailed us from the course we wanted to take,” she claimed. “Only by having the government take care of the necessities of life can people truly be free. What person doesn’t fondly remember the carefree days of their childhood when their parents took care of them? Until we institute a comprehensive in loco parentis state we will never be able to replicate that.”

Opponents of Amnesty Oppose Human Rights

Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson characterized congressional opponents of amnesty for illegal immigrants as “enemies of human rights.”

“The constant questions about how the president’s deferred deportation program helps Americans exposes the selfishness and inhumanity of his critics,” Johnson asserted. “Since when is everything we do supposed to benefit Americans? After all, Americans are a tiny portion of humanity. Why should their interests be permitted to override the well-being of the other 96 percent?”

“A case could be made that 4 percent of the world population consuming 20 percent of world output is unfair,” Johnson observed. “Since it is clear that the vast majority of those President Obama’s immigration policy is benefiting are impoverished refugees I’d have to say he is moving toward a more equitable redistribution of the wealth. For the GOP to insinuate that this is somehow wrong is indecency personified.”

In related news, Johnson announced that two members of a terrorist group from Turkey were released under a court order. “As I understand it, the judge said that the mere aspiration to carry out an attack is insufficient cause for punitive action against them,” Johnson said. “Neither was the fact that they entered the country illegally. The judge cited President Obama’s new law allowing illegal immigrants to stay in this country and be provided with identification documents and voter registrations as the authority for his decision.”

Scrutiny of Planned Parenthood’s Billings to Medicaid Decried

Fear is building that Wisconsin’s Department of Health Office of Inspector General (OIG) investigation of Planned Parenthood’s over billing of the state’s Medicaid program for services rendered may endanger the financial health of the organization. For example, Planned Parenthood has been billing the state twice the allowable amount for the abortifacient contraceptive Yaz.

Beth Hartung, president of the Wisconsin Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association, called the financial reimbursement rules “unreasonable. The mark-ups we attach to these drugs is what helps subsidize services that the state program doesn’t cover.” One of those uncovered programs is surgical abortions.

“Squeezing the profit out of one part of our operation threatens the success of the entire operation,” Hartung complained. “Governor Walker’s rigid interpretation of the law goes against the ‘live and let live’ understanding we had with previous administrations. If he doesn’t relent our very survival will be put at risk.”

Jeb Bush Outlines Bizarre Strategy for Prospective 2016 Presidential Race

Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush (R) is reputed to be weighing his options for a possible bid for the presidency in the 2016 election. His statements, thus far, however raise serious questions regarding his grasp of the process. At issue is his avowed plan to win the general election by losing the primaries.

In Bush’s view, the GOP primaries have been co-opted by the Party’s conservative base. The problem with this is that “the conservative base preaches a message of individual liberty that is at odds with the communitarian future I envision for America and the world,” Bush said. “The era of each person looking out for himself is over. GOP resistance to this reality is what will keep it from ever winning the presidency again.”

The former Governor says that “by consistently and repeatedly losing in the GOP primaries I will establish solid credentials as a ‘new kind of Republican’–one that Democrats and Independents won’t be afraid to vote for in the general election.”

A possible stumbling block to Jeb’s strategy, though, is the likelihood that the winner of the GOP primaries will be the Party’s nominee in the general election. Not to worry, Jeb expressed confidence that this handicap would be overcome. “My father was president. My brother was president. It just seems that becoming president is my destiny. Someway, somehow, it will happen. Strings will be pulled. Favors will be paid off. As long as I think positively about it I feel everything will be okay.”

Missouri Guv Explains Absence of National Guard at Ferguson Riots

Governor Jay Nixon (D) explained why, despite pleas from Lieutenant Governor Peter Kinder and Ferguson Mayor James Knowles, the state’s National Guard troops weren’t immediately dispatched to quell the riots.

“I couldn’t risk National Guard troops shooting people like they did at Kent State in 1970,” Nixon offered. “Then the blood would be on my hands and Neil Young would write a song about me…me. It’s bad enough that I already share an unfortunate surname with former President Nixon. I didn’t want to replicate his actions.”

The Governor characterized the contention that troops might have lessened the damage as “pure speculation. Even if we had suppressed the violence on one particular occasion that wouldn’t have assuaged the pent up anger. Rather than stifle it now only to have it break out later I felt we had to let it go.”

The “saving grace” of his nonintervention approach according to Nixon is that “the state government would play no role in the mayhem. All of the burning and looting would be the responsibility of the private citizens committing these crimes and the local police who failed to stop it. My hands would be clean.”

As for the victims of the looting and burning, Nixon reminded everyone that “opening a business entails a certain amount of risk. No one forced these people to invest in commercial enterprises. Just because their personal quest for profit may have suffered a setback is not my responsibility. Anyway, for what its worth, it looked to me like the rioters outnumbered the victims. From a democratic perspective, how could I have justified siding with the minority by denying the majority the opportunity to express their opinions concerning the decision of the grand jury not to indict Wilson? Shouldn’t freedom of expression trump mere protection of property?”

A Satirical Look at Recent News

John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.

Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.