By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
As Gutierrez sees it, “the vilification of amnesty opponents and the glorification of illegal immigrants the media have been doing is too mild. They still go through the motions of pretending that there is another side to this issue rather than accepting that the President has laid down a new law.”
The Congressman warned that “President Obama may have to institute strict controls over what is reported if the media doesn’t fall in line. Their job is to help the President achieve the transformation of America. They do not have the option of sitting on the fence or only giving limp lip service to his agenda.”
“Getting these immigrants documented, funded, and voting are crucial if we are to permanently reshape the way this country thinks and operates,” Gutierrez said. “Falling short because of a misplaced affection for an illusory even-handedness would be a tragedy. If necessary, the President should not balk at taking harsh measures to ensure the triumph of his vision.”
IRS Needs 9,000 More Employees to Enforce Obamacare Tax
President Obama’s $4 trillion budget proposal calls for a $2 billion boost in IRS spending in order to hire 9,000 new employees. The task of these new employees will be to track down persons who have failed to enroll in a health insurance plan and extract monetary penalties from them.
“The era of individual choice in healthcare is drawing to a close,” IRS Commissioner John Koskinen declared. “The law requires everyone to purchase a federally approved health insurance policy. Those who think that they know what’s best for themselves are free to do what they want, but they still have to purchase insurance or pay the government if they neglect to do so.”
“The fact that we have to resort to coercion is regrettable,” Koskinen lamented. “Ideally, everyone should have gotten into step with what’s good for the collective whole of society. Sadly, out-dated philosophies preaching individualism have encouraged some to resist what the government has prescribed for them. We hope that by hammering them with progressively larger financial punishments year-by-year they will be brought to heel.”
“For this coercion to be most effective it must be adequately staffed and funded,” the Commissioner demanded. “There are an estimated six million Americans we must crack down on. Two billion is the absolute minimum needed if we are to successfully carry out the mission the President has assigned to us.”
Koskinen admitted that this year’s higher penalties combined with the need to reconcile heath care subsidies received under Obamacare “will be difficult and confusing to a lot of taxpayers, both insured and uninsured. Luckily, there are major tax-preparation firms ready to assist. The fees these firms will earn will boost the economy, as well as provide compensation to the owners of these firms’ for their support of the Affordable Care Act.”
In related news, the IRS has launched an outreach program to assist illegal immigrants granted amnesty by President Obama to receive tax refunds. “These people have undertaken lengthy, arduous, and dangerous journeys to reach this country,” Koskinen said. “It’s only fair that we find some way to compensate them for the time, trouble, and risks they have endured to get here.”
President Urges More Understanding for Islamic State Atrocities
With videos of beheadings, stonings, and incineration of helpless victims by the Islamic State flooding the media, President Obama took the occasion of his address to the National Prayer Breakfast this week as an opportunity to try to dampen the anger of partisans of civilized behavior.
“Let’s not forget that 800 years ago Christians committed horrendous crimes against peaceful Muslims during the so-called Crusades,” Obama reminded. “Whole populations were massacred—men, women, and children—all in the name of Christ. Five hundred years ago, the Inquisition sent thousands of heretics and apostates to be burned at the stake. From a historical perspective, we can see that the followers of the cross are not blameless when it comes to cruelty and inhumanity. Rather than be so quick to point the finger of blame at Islam, perhaps we should credit them for their patience in waiting so long to try to even the score.”
The President rejected contentions that the Crusades might have been seen as a legitimate response to prior Muslim aggression against, and oppression of, Christians. “If people keep trying to reverse previous conquests there’ll be no end to bloodshed,” Obama warned. “At some point someone must put an end to the tit-for-tat. It seems to me that Christians have the best chance of doing that. It was Jesus who bade his followers to turn the other cheek. It was Mohammed who bade his followers to fight for Islam. Christians can give up the fight and still be true to their faith. Muslims do not have this option. What I am urging here today is that there is a way out of the conflict if both religions simply hew to the tenets of their faiths. If Christians would simply submit and pay the jizya there could be peace and an end to the bloodshed.”
NBC Anchor Admits to Lying about Iraq War Experience
NBC’S Brian Williams finally admitted that after 12 years of bragging about how he faced death while reporting on the Iraq War in 2003 that he had lied. Real soldiers flying in the helicopter transporting Williams to the war zone unanimously attested that, contrary to Williams’ heroic story, the aircraft was not hit and landed safely.
Williams characterized his lie as “a mistake made in good faith. It was my way of bonding with the men and women who risked their lives in the battle against Saddam Hussein. It was also an attempt to make the war seem more real to my TV audience. If someone as important as a major network figure like me could come so close to dying for the sake of reporting the news, well, wouldn’t that make the news more credible?”
The unveiling of this long-running falsehood has had mixed results among media luminaries. Former CBS anchor Dan Rather counseled that “we ought not to be too hard on Brian. His story might have been fake, but was it really so inaccurate? Thousands of helicopter sorties came under fire in Iraq. Couldn’t his fib have served the more important purpose of showing how Bush’s war could’ve cost the life of an eminent journalist?”
Williams’ contention that what he said “was no worse than President Obama’s promise that those who liked their health plans could keep them under the Affordable Care Act. He misled tens of millions of voters and was rewarded with reelection. All I did was puff up my resume a little bit in front of the camera.”
Former NBC anchor Tom Brokaw dismissed Williams’ analogy to what President Obama did as “unworthy of our profession. We can’t use the chronic dishonesty of politicians as our standard for what is allowed to come out of our mouths when we’re on the air.”
Former Pro-Life Democrat Evolves
Rep. Tim Ryan (D-Ohio) announced he was switching sides in the pro-life vs. pro-choice debate. The former pro-life Democrat claimed he had an epiphany persuading him that abortion is a woman’s right and that no government had the authority to intervene for any reason.
“It is the Congressman’s position that it is not for anyone else to judge whether or when an abortion should or shouldn’t be permitted,” Ryan’s chief of staff Ron Grimes maintained. “And yes, this means up until the moment of birth and for whatever reason the woman finds meaningful, including the sex of the fetus.”
Grimes rebuffed an abortion survivor’s argument against the Congressman’s new position as “irrelevant. Her existence is a fluke. She shouldn’t even be here haranguing the Congressman for exercising his judgment on this human rights issue. The Congressman finds this sort of emotional appeal outrageous and offensive. He has no time to listen to it.”
AG Nominee Calls Civil Forfeiture “Wonderful Tool”
President Obama’s nominee for Attorney General Loretta Lynch followed up her stunning defense a president’s “right to summarily execute enemies of the state” with fulsome praise for government’s controversial practice of seizing the property and money of people before they are found guilty of a crime, calling it “a wonderful tool.”
“It is difficult to prove someone guilty of a crime under our laws,” Lynch pointed out. “The evidence required is substantial. The ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ standard is daunting. Under Civil Forfeiture, though, there is more leeway. Under this statute, the property or money is accused of illegal actions. Since property and money have no civil rights the government’s chances of success are higher. The burden of proof is on the person trying to reclaim the assets. He must prove to the court’s satisfaction that no crime was committed.”
“The fact that the majority of cash circulating in America has traces of cocaine on it makes proving that this money was not obtained illegally nearly impossible,” Lynch bragged. “The best thing about Civil Forfeiture is that it gives government access to sorely needed resources without having to get an appropriation through the legislature. This increases the amount of funds available for socially beneficial uses by transferring them out of the hands of selfish individuals and into the hands of those dedicated to the collective welfare of all. It’s a win-win situation all around.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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