Always believe the opposite of what President Barack Obama says. He shot off his mouth about his socialized Big Government healthcare system, and now after five years, virtually all of his claims have been demonstrably false. Here’s the skinny.
Month: March 2015
Hillary Clinton IS Big Government
Democrats need to pay their fair share of taxes.
Hillary Clinton IS Big Government.
Barack Hussein Obama is America’s humanist-in-chief.
Jeb Bush vs. Hillary Clinton is not a choice.
If it weren’t for double standards, leftists would have no standards.
Barack Hussein Obama is America’s condescender-in-chief.
Democrats run the biggest plantation in the world.
Leftist public officials are the de facto editors of America’s newspapers and the de facto news editors of America’s TV stations.
Bergdahl Didn’t Desert, Lawyer Says
By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
While the Army has decided to charge Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl with desertion and “misbehaving before the enemy,” his lawyer, Eugene Fidell, contends that Bergdahl never intended to desert.
“Sgt Bergdahl had serious concerns about the lack of discipline in his unit,” Fidell contended. “Rather than engaging in idle griping, he took the initiative to try to resolve the problem by conducting an independent inspection of the standards and practices of the Taliban. It was his hope that what he learned could help reform the way US troops behaved while in the field.”
“His plan was thwarted when the Taliban refused to let him return to his unit,” Fidell said. “Instead, they held him captive, forced him to convert to Islam, and enlisted his aid in their operations against US troops. This turn of events was a complete surprise to my client. He now regrets his naivete. It would be cruel for him to be punished after he already has suffered enough at the hands of his captors.”
State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki declared that “these new revelations vindicate the President’s decision to make the exchange that brought Sgt Bergdahl back home. We should wish that more of our soldiers were as earnest as he was. It would be tragic if this nation were to repay his service by sending him to prison.”
UN Human Rights Official Says Islamic State More Open to Diversity than West
UN human rights chief Zeid Raad al-Hussein told the Security Council that “the Islamic State is more accepting of ethnic diversity than the western governments that are making war on them.”
“Islam is open to persons of every race, color, or ethnicity,” Zeid pointed out. “It doesn’t matter if a person is black or white. As long as he accepts Allah as his master he can be a full member of the umma. This stands in contrast to a long history in which western governments have oppressed and even enslaved persons because of the color of their skin.”
In support of his contentions, Zeid cited a recent UN Commission on the Status of Women (CSW) condemnation of Israel for violating the rights of Palestinian women. “Israel—a state with western values—is the only one of 193 nations receiving such a rebuke from the UN,” Zeid said. “This is very revealing.”
Unlike some other countries in the region, Israel does not bar Palestinian women from driving a car or being out in public unaccompanied by a male relative. Neither does Israel mutilate their genitals or stone them to death for marital infidelity after they have been raped.
“Women of any race or ethnicity can enjoy the full benefits allotted to them under the Quran,” Zeid boasted. “Their modesty is protected by rigorous enforcement of appropriate clothing. They are insulated from foolishness by strict adherence to the guidance provided for them by their husbands, fathers, and brothers.”
Mayor Suggests that Chicago Airports Be Renamed
In an unexpectedly difficult reelection campaign, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel sought to rally support by promising to rename the City’s two airports in honor of President and Michelle Obama. The two airports are currently named in honor of World War II Navy pilot Edward “Butch” O’Hare and the 1942 Battle of Midway—an upset US victory over Japan that many historians view as the turning point of the war in the Pacific.
“I don’t mean to denigrate these earlier historic events, but they pale in significance to the impact that President Obama has had on this country,” Emanuel explained. “O’Hare was just one of thousands of pilots who served in the war and Midway was just one battle among dozens. President Obama is America’s first minority president. His innovative approach to governing by executive action has transformed the way we do business without having to go through the cumbersome process of amending our Constitution.”
“And let’s not forget what we all owe to the First Lady,” Emanuel added. “From her soapbox she has broadcast a message of healthier eating that reverberates across the nation. People’s lives are being saved on a daily basis. Surely, this merits greater accolades than whatever Butch O’Hare did—if in fact, he did anything worthy of note. I, for one, am unaware of what that might have been.”
In related news, Emanuel pulled out of a previously scheduled joint appearance with challenger Jesus “Chuy” Garcia saying “I’m the one with name recognition. I’m the one with the huge funding advantage. Why should I help boost my opposition by appearing on the same stage with him?”
President Says Critics Overreacting to Iran’s “Death to America” Rhetoric
President Obama insists that Iran’s “death to America” rhetoric is nothing to get worked up about.
“First of all, it’s just a slogan—like Burger King’s ‘have it your way,'” Obama argued. “It doesn’t really mean anything.”
“Second, it’s not all that negative,” the President continued. “In Islam’s theology, death is the gateway to paradise. For the devout Muslim, hastening the entry into paradise is much to be desired. Granted, unbelievers face eternal torment, but that could easily be remedied by submitting to Allah’s will. So, it is only Americans’ refusal to heed Mohammed’s message that casts an unpleasant pall over the fate of death.”
Clinton Wipes Server, Cites Right Against Self-Incrimination
In what her backers are calling the “perfect checkmate” move, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has sought to blunt all further inquiries into her activities while at the Department of State by completely reformatting the server used for her email correspondence while she was in office.
“Those who are trying to prove that I’m guilty of violating the law will have to do it without access to documents formerly on my own private server,” Clinton announced. “They may grouse that since I used this server for all my official correspondence as Secretary of State that I had no right to destroy these documents. That is mere assertion. I contend that the Constitutional guarantee against self-incrimination gives me every right to withhold evidence that could be used against me.”
It’s not only State Department correspondence that has gone missing. Records relating to the Clinton Foundation’s dubious solicitation of donations from questionable sources was also believed to be on the computer server that Hillary wiped clean.
Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), Chairman of the House’s Select Committee on Benghazi, saw Clinton’s actions as “obstruction of justice.” Nevertheless, Clinton dared the Republican to make something of it. “I doubt the GOP has the stomach for it,” Hillary taunted. “Even if they could prove obstruction, it’s still a minor irritation compared to what I could’ve faced if I had surrendered the server.”
Congressman Faces Backlash
After calling newly announced GOP presidential candidate Sen. Ted Cruz a “big mouth” and a “failure,” Rep Peter King (R-NY) was shocked to receive feedback in-kind from Cruz supporters.
“People have been phoning my office belittling my accomplishments and asserting that I am all talk,” King complained. “This is disrespectful. No member of Government should have to put up with such abuse.”
King rebutted assertions that his inelegant way of expressing his disagreement with Sen. Cruz may have invited equally inelegant retorts. “I am a member of Congress, the Constitution explicitly protects my right to speak on any matter without fear of being accosted by the rabble,” King maintained. “Ordinary people shouldn’t be misusing the privilege of freedom of speech for intemperate attacks on those who govern them.”
Administration Reveals Secret Israeli Nuclear Weapons Program
The Obama Administration has declassified a top secret file disclosing the details of Israel’s nuclear weapons program.
Press Secretary Josh Earnest characterized the move as “payback for Netanyahu’s deviation from the path laid out for Israel by President Obama. People have got to learn that their actions have consequences. When you defy the world’s most powerful man you can’t expect to get away unscathed.”
Earnest also argued that “it may help level the playing field in the Middle East. Even without nuclear weapons Israel has consistently defeated efforts to annihilate it. By publicly releasing this previously secret information the President hopes it will stimulate Israel’s Muslim adversaries to similarly arm themselves.”
“Geographically, Israel is a very small country,” Earnest observed. “A few dozen well-place nuclear bombs could effectively wipe it off the map. If its neighbors acquire enough such bombs Israel will have no alternative to seeking the protection of the United States’ nuclear umbrella. Of course, that will come at the price of complying with the policies the President has determined they must follow.”
In related news, a recent poll of Palestinians found that 68 percent support Hamas’ rocket attacks on Israeli civilians. “We can’t defeat their army, but if we make life miserable enough with the threat of being blown up an everyday occurrence, maybe they’ll see that the only peace to be had is the peace of death or evacuation,” said one respondent.
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
Scientists Refute Obama Administration’s National Climate Assessment
The National Climate Assessment – 2014 (NCA) is a masterpiece of marketing that shows for the first time the full capabilities of the Obama Administration to spin a scientific topic as they see fit, without regard to the underlying facts. With hundreds of pages written by hundreds of captive scientists and marketing specialists, the administration presents their case for extreme climate alarm.
“As independent scientists, we know that apparent evidence of “Climate Change,”
however scary, is not proof of anything. Science derives its objectivity from robust logic and honest evidence repeatedly tested by all knowledgeable scientists, not just those paid to support the administration’s version of “Global Warming,” “Climate Change,” “Climate Disruption,” or whatever their marketing specialists call it today.
We are asked to believe that humans are drastically changing the earth’s climate by burning fossil fuels. The problem with their theory is very simple: It is NOT true. Here we address the administration’s basic thesis and the essential evidence that they claim support extreme concern.
The theory of ‘Catastrophic Anthropogenic Global Warming’ (CAGW) is based on a string of inferences that begins with the assumptions that carbon dioxide is a ‘greenhouse gas’ and that we are slowly driving up the atmospheric concentration by burning fossil fuels.
It is therefore claimed as self-evident that the Global Average Surface Temperature (GAST) has already risen significantly and will continue to do so. Higher GAST is then presumed to lead to all sorts of negative consequences, especially Extreme Weather. They promote their ‘Climate Models’ as a reliable way to predict the future climate. But these models dramatically fail basic verification tests. Nowhere do they admit to these well-known failures. Instead, we are led to believe that their climate models are close to perfection.
This document is structured around a “fact-check,” where we quote a number of the government’s key claims in the NCA and show each to be invalid. The first three claims involve their three crucial scientific arguments (Three Lines of Evidence or 3 LoE), which, if valid, would satisfy a necessary, but not sufficient, condition for making their case. But each is easily shown to be false; and because each is crucial, their entire theory collapses. That means that all of the overblown “Climate Disruption” evidence that they mention, whether true or not, cannot be tied back to man’s burning of fossil fuels. Hence, efforts to reduce or eliminate Extreme Weather by reducing the burning of fossil fuels are completely nonsensical.
NCA CLAIM #1: “First ‘Line of Evidence’ (LoE) – Fundamental Understanding of GH Gases”
“The conclusion that human influences are the primary driver of recent climate change is based on multiple lines of independent evidence. The first line of evidence is our fundamental understanding of how certain gases trap heat, how the climate system responds to increases in these gases, and how other human and natural factors influence climate.”
(NCA, Page 23)
RESPONSE:
Many scientists have provided ample evidence that the government’s finding, used by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), is grossly flawed. In its Endangerment Finding, EPA claimed with 90-99% certainty that observed warming in the latter half of the twentieth century resulted from human activity. Using the most credible empirical data available, it is relatively straightforward to soundly reject each of EPA’s Three LoE.
This U.S. Supreme Court Amicus brief contains the details: http://sblog.s3.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/GW-Amicus-2013-05-23-Br-of-Amici-Curiae-Scientists-ISO-Petitions-fo…2.pdf
EPA’s Greenhouse Gas ‘Hot Spot’ theory is that in the tropics, the mid-troposphere must warm faster than the lower troposphere, and the lower troposphere must warm faster than the surface, all due to rising CO2 concentrations. However, this is totally at odds with multiple robust, consistent, independently-derived empirical datasets, all showing no statistically significant positive (or negative) trend in temperature and thus, no difference in trend slope by altitude. Therefore, EPA’s theory as to how CO2 impacts GAST must be rejected. Below is a graphical comparison of their Hot Spot theory versus reality, where reds denote warming and blues, cooling. Clearly, the government’s understanding of how CO2 gas traps heat is fundamentally flawed.
Models (top) vs. Measured Temperatures Changes (bottom) Latitude
NCA CLAIM #2:
“Second LoE – Unusual Warming in recent decades”
“The second line of evidence is from reconstructions of past climates using evidence such as tree rings, ice cores, and corals. These show that global surface temperatures over the last several decades are clearly unusual, with the last decade (2000-2009) warmer than any time in at least the last 1,300 years and perhaps much longer.”
(NCA, Page 23)
RESPONSE:
“Global Warming” has not been global and has not set regional records where warming has occurred. For example, over the last fifty years, while the Arctic has warmed, the tropical oceans had a flat trend (see e.g. NOAA Buoy Data: NINO 3.4, Degrees C, available at http://www.cpc.ncep. noaa.gov/data/indices/ersst3b.nino.mth.81-10.ascii,) and the Antarctic cooled slightly. The most significant warming during this period occurred in the Northern Hemisphere, north of the tropics but that ceased over the last 15 years or more. Also, as the figure below shows, over the last 130 years the decade of the 1930’s still has the most U.S. State High Temperatures records. And, over the past 50 years, there were more new State Record Lows set than Record Highs. In fact, roughly 70% of the current State Record Highs were set prior to 1940.
http://epw.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?FuseAction=Files.View&FileStore_id=66585975-a507-4d81-b750-def3ec74913d
See NOAA NATIONAL CLIMATIC DATA CTR ., State Climate Extremes Committee, Records, https://www.ncdc.noaa.gov/extremes/scec/records (last visited 12/15/ 2013)
If the observed warming over the last half century can anywhere be claimed to be unusual, it would have to be where it was greatest – in the Arctic. Both satellite and surface station data show a warming of about two degrees Celsius since the 1970’s. But the surface station data (see the Figure below) show that warming in context. Recent warming was very similar to the previous warming from 1900 to 1940, reaching virtually the same peak. This refutes the government claim that recent warming (which occurred when man-made CO2 was rising) was notably different from an era when man-made CO2 was not claimed to be a factor. It also points out an essential feature of most credible thermometer records that cover many decades.
Our climate is highly cyclical, driven in fact by ocean and solar cycles, not carbon dioxide. Using only the upward trend of the most recent half cycle to suggest relentless warming is very deceptive.
NCA CLAIM #3: Thir LoE – “The Climate Models”
The third line of evidence comes from using climate models to simulate the climate of the past century, separating the human and natural factors that influence climate.
(NCA, Page 24)
RESPONSE:
The Administration relied upon Climate Models, all predicated on the GHG Hot Spot Theory, that all fail standard model validation and forecast reliability tests. These
Climate Models are simulations of reality and far from exact solutions of the fundamental physics.
The models all forecast rising temperatures beyond 2000 although the GAST trend has recently been flat. See the figure below. This is not surprising because EPA never carried out any published forecast reliability tests. The government’s hugely expensive climate models are monumental failures.
Model Lower Tropospheric Temperature forecasts versus actual
NCA CLAIM #4:
“Extreme Weather – Temperatures” “global temperatures are still on the rise and are expected to rise further.”
(NCA, Page 8)
“The most recent decade was the nation’s and the world’s hottest on record, and 2012 was the hottest year on record in the continental United States. All U.S. regions have experienced warming in recent decades, but the extent of warming has not been uniform. (NCA, Page 8)
RESPONSE: As mentioned in the response to CLAIM #2, most of the warming in the second half of the 20th century occurred north of the tropics. But this warming stopped over 17 years ago. Furthermore, the Hadley Centre (upon which the government and the UN IPCC heavily relied) recently announced a forecast that the GAST trend line will likely remain flat for another five years. See Decadal forecast, METOFFICE, http://www.metoffice.gov.uk/research/climate/seasonal-to-decadal/long-range/decadal-fc
As for claims about record setting U.S. temperatures, please see our response to CLAIM #2 above.
See National Space Sci. & Tech.Ctr., North of 20 North Temperature Anomalies UAH Satellite Data: Lower Troposphere Degrees C, available at http://vortex.nsstc.uah.edu/data/msu/ t2lt/uahncdc.lt (last visited May 17, 2013).
The National Academy of Sciences (NAS) was critical of the draft National Climate
Assessment, saying that “An overly narrow focus can encourage one-sided solutions, for instance by giving an impression that reducing greenhouse gas emissions alone will solve all of the major environmental concerns discussed in this report.” The NAS has also criticized “the lack of explicit discussion about the uncertainties associated with the regional model projections,” saying that “Decision makers need a clear understanding of these uncertainties in order to fairly evaluate the actual utility of using these projections as a basis for planning decisions.”
NCA CLAIM #5 “Extreme Weather – Hurricanes”
“The intensity, frequency, and duration of North Atlantic hurricanes, as well as the frequency of the strongest (Category 4 and 5) hurricanes, have all increased since the early 1980s.”
(NCA, Page 20)
“Extreme Weather – “Droughts and Floods” “both extreme wetness and extreme dryness are projected to increase in many areas.”
(NCA, Page 33)
RESPONSE:
According to the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC,) there is “high agreement” among leading experts that long-term trends in weather disasters are not attributable to our use of fossil fuels.
Hurricanes have not increased in the United States in frequency, intensity, or normalized damage since at least 1900. Currently, the U.S. is enjoying a period of over eight years without a Category 3 or stronger hurricane making landfall. Government data also indicate no association between use of fossil fuels and tornado activity. The data on droughts paint a similar picture.
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration found that “Climate change was not a significant part” of the recent drought in Texas. And the IPCC found that “in some regions , droughts have become less frequent, less intense, or shorter, for example, central North America ….”
The IPCC also states there is “low confidence” in any climate-related trends for flood magnitude or frequency on a global scale.
Still More NCA CLAIMS
RESPONSE:
All of the other government claims worth discussing have been answered effectively in other commentaries. These include those related to ocean and lake ice levels, sea levels, and ocean alkalinity. Detailed rebuttals of such government claims can be found in reports available from CATO, CEI, Climate Depot, Heritage, ICECAP, TWTW, and WUWT.
SUMMARY
The Obama Administration’s National Climate Assessment begins with probably their most preposterous claims:
“Climate change, once considered an issue for a distant future, has moved firmly into the present.”
(NCA, Page 1)
“Evidence for climate change abounds, from the top of the atmosphere to the depths of the oceans.”
(NCA, Page 7)
“There is still time to act to limit the amount of change and the extent of damaging impacts”
(NCA, Page 2)
RESPONSE:
This is pure rhetorical nonsense born of a cynical attempt to exploit short-term memories and/or little knowledge of the Earth’s climate history and climate processes.
Our climate is constantly changing for perfectly natural reasons that have nothing to do with carbon dioxide.
With the Earth’s vast oceans and atmosphere never in complete equilibrium, our climate will always be changing on time scales from weeks to months to years to decades to centuries and beyond. With a star varying cyclically as our heat source and with an enormous planet like Jupiter tugging on our orbit around the Sun, dramatic climate changes are expected to occur. (See pages 39-50 in USCA, Case #09-1322, Document #1312291, Filed: 06/08/2011.)
However, none of these dramatic climate changes have any connection to our use of fossil fuels. Yet the Obama Administration insists on building a House of Cards predicated on their Three Lines of Evidence as discussed in CLAIMS 1, 2, and 3 above. With all three of their Lines of Evidence shown to be invalid, their entire House of Cards collapses. For example, if increasing atmospheric CO2 concentrations do not yield higher GAST, the claimed CO2 connection to higher sea levels is lost. What about their frequent claims that nearly all scientists agree with their analysis findings? By ignoring and even denouncing growing criticism, they have lost the benefit of crucial scientific debates which are critical to keeping their analyses honest and objective. In fact, as documented above in response to Claims 4 and 5, they are even disregarding their usual allies, the UN IPCC and US National Academy of Sciences, both of whom have been dialing back apocalyptic claims, not amplifying them due at least in part to such critical feedback.
Bottom-Line: This NCA is so grossly flawed it should play no role in U.S. Energy Policy Analyses and CO2 regulatory processes. As this rebuttal makes clear, the NCA provides no scientific basis whatsoever for regulating CO2 emissions.
Signed by:
Dr. Thomas P. Sheahen Ph.D., Physics, M.I.T. B.S., Physics, M.I.T.
Dr. S. Fred Singer Fellow AAAS, APS, AGU Prof Emeritus of Environmental Sciences, U of VA Ph. D., Physics, Princeton University BEE, Ohio State University
Dr. Anthony R. Lupo IPCC Expert Reviewer Professor, Atmospheric Science, University of Missouri Ph.D., Atmospheric Science, Purdue University M.S., Atmospheric Science, Purdue University
Dr. Madhav Khandekar Retired Scientist, Environment Canada Expert Reviewer IPCC 2007 Climate Change Documents
George Taylor Certified Consulting Meteorologist President Applied Climate Services Two time President of the American Association of State Climatologists B.A. Mathematics, University of California M.S. Meteorology University of Utah
Dr. James P. Wallace III Jim Wallace & Associates, LLC Ph.D., Economics, Minor in Engineering, Brown University M.S., Mechanical Engineering, Brown University B.S., Aeronautical Engineering, Brown University
Dr. George T. Wolff Former Chair EPA’s Clean Air Scientific Advisory Committee Ph.D., Environmental Sciences, Rutgers University M.S., Meteorology, New York University B.S., Chemical Engineering, New Jersey Institute of Technology
Arizona Cardinals: Regarding Adrian Peterson — DNAC
Your Arizona Cardinals are contemplating the addition of Adrian Peterson to the team. They need a good running back.
Peterson is a good one, no doubt about it.
But last year the Cards released a practice team player for domestic violence. Apparently if he’d been a standout player like Peterson … he’d still be on the team today … if skill level is apparently the dividing line here.
Is Peterson a good catch?
Yes, if felony child abuse charges are the method of measurement. Yes, if leaving a path of seven illegitimate children scattered about the country is among the criteria. Yes, if touchdowns are more important than being a good citizen in the community.
The Cards could take a good lesson from retired NFL coach Tony Dungy, now an NBC football analyst.
In his coaching days, Dungy and his coaching staff carefully scrutinized character and talent as they prepared for the annual NFL draft. If a potential draftee had some character issues, Dungy wrote DNDC next to his name: Do Not Draft Character.
Cardinals, if you’re wise, you’ll write DNAC next to Peterson’s name: Do Not Acquire Character.
Obama Exempts White House from Freedom of Information Act
By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
Contending that “constant prying by the enemies of this Administration are impeding my ability to smoothly rule this country,” President Obama issued a decree exempting the White House Office of Administration from further compliance with the requirements of the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA).
Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) spokesperson Anne Weismann characterized the move as “completely out of step with the President’s supposed commitment to transparency.”
Office of Administration Director Beth Jones defended the move as “a necessary precaution against information falling into the wrong hands. This country is at war with reactionary elements who wouldn’t hesitate to abuse the freedom the law allows to embarrass and discredit the Administration. Well, President Obama isn’t about to let these rogue elements have free rein to scrutinize the inner workings of the government.”
Jones denied that the cancellation of access for persons to hostile to the president contradicts his pledge of transparency. “The windows on a home are transparent, but the owners are well-advised to draw the blinds to prevent peeping Toms from invading their privacy,” Jones asserted. “All we are doing here is drawing the blinds. The President’s friends will still be able to enjoy whatever access he deems necessary to their roles in defense of his policies.”
The Obama Administration has been the most aggressive in US history in its efforts to clamp down on information about what’s going on behind closed doors. It has prosecuted more whistle blowers and sentenced them to longer prison terms than all other presidents combined. This latest move is merely another example of its determination to conduct its business outside the view of the voters.
In related news, the Department of Justice rebuffed a subpoena for former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails on the grounds that “mere suspicion that the Secretary may have used her private server as a means of concealing what she was doing is not proof. Until we see proof that she actually concealed something via this stratagem we see no need to pry into her affairs.”
WV Governor Vetoes Gun Bill
West Virginia’s Democratic Gov. Earl Ray Tomblin vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have broadened the scope of concealed carry of guns by law-abiding citizens.
“The notion that the citizen is the best line of defense against crimes against himself is one I can’t support,” Tomblin said. “Citizens aren’t properly trained. Allowing them to arm themselves only complicates matters for legitimate law enforcement personnel. If both the perps and their victims are armed how will the police know who to shoot when they arrive on the scene?”
The governor also expressed skepticism about the adage “that when seconds count, the police are only minutes away.” “The idea that deadly force is a victim’s best option is one I reject,” Tomblin said. “An armed victim will be tempted to start a gun fight. An unarmed victim will be forced to seek a nonviolent solution to his predicament. If the perp’s objective is robbery wouldn’t it be simpler and safer to just surrender your wallet? If the perp’s objective is rape, well that takes time and may give the police the chance to intervene before it can be fully consummated.”
The National Rifle Association is reportedly reconsidering how it vets candidates it supports in elections. “We backed this guy,” rued an NRA official requesting anonymity. “We need to do a better job of evaluating the views and intentions of candidates before we give our endorsement or financial support.”
Obama Threatens Israel
Stung by Israeli voters’ rejection of his wishes by their reelection of Prime Minister Netanyahu, US President Barack Obama ominously warned that he is weighing a change to America’s long-standing alliance with the Jewish state.
“Israel is the ‘odd man out’ in the Middle East,” Obama told Netanyahu in a post-election phone call. “Six million Jews are pitted against a billion Muslims. Based on democratic principles of majority rule, I don’t see how we can continue to side with a tiny minority against the wishes of the vast majority who would like to see Israel eliminated.”
“Maintaining an island of Jews in the midst of a sea of Muslims is a precarious endeavor,” Obama pointed out. “Life would be simpler and less contentious if Israel didn’t exist. For the sake of humanity I’ve got to reassess whether America’s continued efforts to resist Muslim desires to annihilate Israel are worth it.”
“Standing aside while a tide of Muslim forces washes over Israel is a low-risk, low-cost option that I’ve got to consider given recent events,” Obama reminded Netanyahu. “Of course, this need not happen if you can bring your views into line with my vision for world peace. Surely, paying the jizya and submitting to Islam has to be less burdensome than trying to defend yourselves against so many enemies.”
ICE Releases Another 30,000 Illegal Alien Criminals
US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced that during 2014 it released another 30,000 illegal aliens with criminal records. This follows the 36,000 it released in 2013. The crimes for which these persons were responsible include homicide, sexual assault, kidnapping, aggravated assault and more than 16,000 incidents of drunk or drugged driving. The released individuals are now free to move about the country.
In testimony before Congress, ICE Director Sarah Saldana characterized this action as “the best option we had available to us given the parameters established by President Obama. Is putting criminals back on the street bad? Yes, but what else could we do? If we deported them they’d just be roaming the streets of Mexico or some other Latin American nation.”
“The people of Latin America have already suffered enough,” Saldana argued. “Their lives are marked by profound poverty leading to malnutrition, illness, and shortened lives. Rather than further intensify this suffering, it is the President’s view that our more prosperous society can more easily bear the burden of coping with these criminal elements. We have many government programs providing sustenance for those residing in the United States. We have free medical care for those unable to afford it. And most Americans have better means to protect themselves against crime. They can insure their valuables, install burglar alarms, and can carry concealed weapons—something no Latin American government permits.”
“It should be obvious that global welfare will, on balance, be greater if the United States absorbs more of the depredations inflicted by the criminals in the population than if we selfishly try to isolate ourselves from the migration of underprivileged peoples seeking a fairer allocation of humanity’s collective wealth,” she concluded.
In related news, Democrats on the Senate Budget Committee blocked legislation that would prevent illegal immigrants from collecting billion of dollars in refundable tax credits to which they are not legally entitled. Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D-Mich) contested the idea that these illegal payments might be wrong. “A more important question than whether these payments are or aren’t illegal is whether they are needed,” Stabenow declared. “Illegal immigrants are among the poorest of our citizens. Their moral claim on this money should override any persnickety concerns about legality.”
Democrats Torpedo Human Trafficking Bill
Legislation aimed at deterring human trafficking (kidnapping people and selling them into slavery—especially as prostitutes) was stifled by a Democratic filibuster in the US Senate this week. The offending clause in the bill, as Democrats see it, is language that would bar federal funds being used to fund abortions.
Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif) explained that “inasmuch as unwanted pregnancy is an even worse fate than being sold as a sex slave we cannot abide placing any limits on a woman’s right to an abortion. A sex slave merely has to endure occasional interludes of undesired intercourse. A woman denied an abortion is forced to carry another human being inside her body for nine months—bearing all the risks and consequences, such as stretch marks that will disfigure her for the rest of her life.”
GOP Urged Not to Lose Sleep Over Possible Executive Tax Hikes
Press Secretary Josh Earnest advised Republicans “not to lose any sleep over the president using his executive power to raise taxes. First, it hasn’t happened yet. So why fret about something that may not occur?”
“Second, and even more important, if the president does decide to raise taxes there’s nothing anybody can do to stop him,” Earnest added. “The Internal Revenue Service is subordinate to his authority. If he orders them to increase the government’s take from taxpayers they will unhesitatingly obey. They most certainly won’t be swayed by anything any member of Congress or the courts might say or do in opposition.”
In related news, prospective presidential candidate Hillary Clinton suggested that “it may be worthwhile for us to look into the possibility of establishing reeducation camps where the nation’s political leaders could be trained to cooperate for the good of the whole. Right now, too much energy goes into fruitless partisan wrangling over policies instead of into efforts to implement them.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
Obama Admin May Bypass Congress, Seek UN Approval of Iran Deal
By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
This week the Obama Administrationhas indicated it may bypass Congress and go directly to the United Nations to obtain international approval of its pending agreement with Iran.
US UN Ambassador Samantha Power cited “the traitorous actions of the 47 United States Senators’ who attempted to limit the president’s authority with that open letter they signed. They made it clear that their loyalty to the president is in question. Their insistence on using the Constitution as a cloak for Congressional interference has forced the Administration to seek an alternate path toward solidifying the agreement.”
The “alternate path” would be to obtain the UN’s endorsement of the deal. “Once the UN approves the agreement, Congressional participation becomes moot and unnecessary,” Power contended. “The US Constitution applies to only one nation. It’s authority is superseded by the authority of the United Nations, which is global in scope.”
GOP reactions were mixed. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) denounced the idea saying that “The United Nations has no authority whatsoever to bind the United States of America.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken), though, conceded that “it looks like President Obama may have out maneuvered us again. We’ll have no alternative but to appropriate the funds needed to implement the UN-approved treaty.”
Over in the House, Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) endorsed the UN gambit saying that “the Republicans have only themselves to blame. They could’ve been part of this historic agreement if they had dutifully followed the president’s lead. By trying to stake out an independent course they have made themselves irrelevant. Senator McConnell’s 11th hour effort to try to grab a piece of the credit by offering to appropriate funds is an exercise in futility. President Obama will appropriate monies as needed via executive action.”
Driver’s Licenses for Illegals Leads to Abundance of Organ Donors
The California Transplant Donor Network hailed California’s policy of granting driver’s licenses to persons in the country illegally for boosting organs available for transplant by an estimated 30 percent.
Marcella Corona, community development liaison for the Transplant Donor Network, cited two factors she felt were “critical components of this good news. Obviously, by putting more drivers on the road there will be more potential crashes resulting in brain-dead victims—the prime source of organs for transplant. But the gains are likely to be even greater than mere numbers portend. On average, the driving skills of people from Latin America are decades behind those of native Americans. This creates a statistic probability there will be a larger ratio of crashes per vehicle-mile of travel. A larger ratio of crashes on a larger base of vehicle-miles means more organs will be available for transplant.”
“The demographics of the crashes is also good news for Hispanics waiting for organs,” Corona pointed out. “With an increase in the number of persons of similar ethnic origin suffering fatal consequences on the road, the chances for a tissue match will be improved. More Hispanic lives can then be saved by timely transplants.”
In related news, migrants from Central America are demanding that the US government provide safer transportation to the US-Mexican border. “Too many compadres are being hurt or killed hopping la bestia (the name migrants have given the freight trains they ride transiting Mexico),” complained amputee Manuel Obrero. Obrero lost a leg when he fell between the cars of the train. “There needs to be a safer way for us to get here.”
The ACLU is reportedly considering filing a class action lawsuit on behalf of Obrero and others injured while making their way to the United States. “By his actions, President Obama, in effect, invited these people to come,” said ACLU spokesman Bertram Petty. “At the same time, the United States has not done enough to ensure a safe trip. In our view, these people are owed damages under the ‘attractive nuisance’ doctrine.”
Obama Administration Asks Appeals Court to Void Injunction
Lawyers for the Obama Administration filed suit in the New Orleans-based 5th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals, asking it to overturn federal Judge Andrew Hanen’s injunction prohibiting further executive action granting additional rights and privileges to amnestied illegal aliens.
“Judge Hanen’s order is unprecedented and wrong,” claimed Administration attorney Abby Lyon. “First of all, a mere district court judge lacks the standing to impede a policy ordered by the president of the United States,” Lyon said. “Second, Judge Hanen was appointed by former President Bush, who is no longer this country’s reigning chief executive. Consequently, Hanen has no mandate to interfere with the actions of the President.”
A further aggravating factor, according to Lyon, is that “Hanen’s ruling came in response to a petition by 26 states that objected to the president’s executive grant of rights to these previously undocumented Americans. The determination of who is and isn’t entitled to the rights and privileges of Americans is a federal, not a state matter. Thus, these states lack standing to appeal any actions taken by the federal government.”
In related news, the White House has refused to respond to Sen. James Lankford’s (R-OK) inquiry regarding President Obama’s threat to inflict “consequences on federal employees who heed Hanen’s injunction and continue to enforce immigration laws in contravention of my wishes.” Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained that “the president is too busy ruling this country to have time to answer criticisms from his political enemies.”
Kerry Says Admin Won’t Destroy ISIL
Secretary of State John Kerry boasted that “we have the capacity to knock out ISIL, but we’re not going to do it. Eliminating these murderous thugs is not part of the President’s vision for the transformation of America.”
By way of explanation, Kerry pointed out that “in the movies, Lex Luthor is a vile criminal, yet Superman never kills him. Why? It’s because there needs to be a balance between good and evil. The same thing can be said for how we respond to ISIL. Wiping them out risks upsetting the balance between good and evil. We need them as much as they need us to continue the cosmic battle between contending forces that we call ‘history.’”
Kerry contrasted the “simplistic call for victory over terrorism to the President’s more nuanced understanding. Those who have been paying attention will note that President Obama repeatedly calls for ‘degrading ISIL’s capabilities.’ He hasn’t called for their defeat or annihilation. He has the sophistication to grasp the truth that eludes his critics—evil will never be vanquished. It’s a fundamental part of the human condition. All we can do is try to weaken it, contain it, and learn to live with it.”
Feds Fund “Diet Choker” Technology
With the aid of a $148,000 federal grant, engineers at the University of California Los Angeles (UCLA) have developed what they call a “diet choker.” The device is a necklace that detects what and when a person is eating. This information is then communicated by phone.
Lead researcher Majid Sarrafzadeh called the device “a breakthrough for healthy eating. If it detects excessive quantities are consumed or poor food choices are made it can be programmed to call the person’s cell phone to remind them that their choice is an unhealthy one.”
“If individuals prove insufficiently motivated to alter their behavior with this reminder, the device can also be programmed to alert a dietary enforcement authority,” Sarrafzadeh said. “That way, if the individual’s will power is weak, external intervention can be introduced to control what is eaten. The end result will be a happier and healthier America.”
First Lady Michelle Obama lauded the invention as “ingenious. We’ve been trying to educate people on the proper way to eat, but this choker offers a much more robust interface between dietary experts and individual consumers. If the device could be programmed to give real time feedback—say a mild electric shock when inappropriate foods or gluttonous quantities are ingested—we’ll have a powerful new weapon against obesity.”
Social Security Rolls Show 6.5 Million Centenarians
Although the worldwide population of persons older than 112 years of age is estimated to be only three dozen, an investigation by the inspector general revealed that the Social Security Administration (SSA) has active accounts for 6.5 million persons over that age.
Obviously, there aren’t really 6.5 million persons that old living in America. Obviously, many recipients who have been long dead are regularly mailed benefits checks by SSA. Obviously, millions of identities have been stolen and are being used to rack up potential benefits.
Sens. Ron Johnson (R-Wis) and Tom Carper (D-Del), who head the Senate committee that oversees the Social Security Administration, called the IG’s findings “incredible” and “a serious problem.”
Acting Commissioner Carolyn Colvin rejected the IG’s recommendation that her agency make efforts to correct its records saying that “the recommendation would create a significant manual and labor-intensive workload and provide no benefit to the administration of our programs. Our philosophy is that it is better to allow a thousand ineligible payments than to deny one that is rightfully owed. President Obama has been consulted and has confirmed this approach. We see no need to change course.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire column for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties that our nation’s Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you use material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit, and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
Cong. Franks: The Buck Stops at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Arizona Congressman Trent Franks responds to President Obama’s first visit to meet with veterans following the Phoenix VA scandal:
“President Lincoln explained that the role of government in caring for veterans is “To care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow, and his orphan.” Unfortunately, the Phoenix VA is ground zero for the tragic failures of bloated, big government bureaucracies. It is demonstrative of the chaos of government empowering itself with the care of our veterans rather than empowering the veteran herself or himself.
“I fear that the mismanagement and lack-of-care provided to our veterans in Phoenix and around the country will be a microcosm of what we can expect from Obamacare, which puts government in control of healthcare, rather than the doctor and the patient.
“Last year Congress attempted to empower veterans by passing sweeping legislation that would provide better access to quality care. Unfortunately, failure by the executive to implement these changes only allowed access to relatively few.
“When it comes to serving those who have served us all with honor and distinction, the buck stops at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. I am encouraged that President Obama has finally decided to visit the Phoenix VA Hospital to hear about the travesties that took place there. It is my hope that he personally invests himself to ensure that what took place here never happens again.”