By John Semmens –Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
House Speaker John Boehner’s (R-Ohio) announcement that he is resigning from Congress effective October 30th was followed by a torrent of tears in Washington. Leading the sob fest, of course, was Boehner himself who lamented that “the blood, sweat, and tears I’ve shed for this country have gone unappreciated for too long.”
As if to contradict Boehner’s lament, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) praised “Boehner’s cooperative approach to getting things done,” and expressed the hope that “a similarly motivated and compliant successor can be found.”
A glum Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest called the resignation “a serious setback for the President’s agenda. Though President Obama had his differences with the Speaker both shared a respect for the importance of governance, of keeping the doors open and the funds flowing to the nation’s multitude of clients.”
President Obama himself was a little less pessimistic, saying that “Boehner will still hold the Speaker’s gavel for another five weeks. He has been our ‘ace-in-the-hole’ for more than four years. Now that he has nothing to fear from the Tea Party wing of his party there’s an opportunity to enact some of the reforms that these right-wing extremists have been blackmailing him to oppose.”
One of the reforms Obama said he hopes can be enacted before October 30th is “for Congress to delegate appropriation authority to the Executive branch. While I have been able to use executive orders to achieve some of the goals we all share, the threat still remains that this good work can be impeded by Congressional refusal to appropriate the necessary money. If the power to appropriate funds were delegated to the president the enlightened vision of the nation’s true ruler couldn’t be blocked by Congressional squabbling.”
Boehner promised “to do my best to live up to the president’s confidence in me,” but also pointed out that “a delegation of appropriation authority to the Executive branch would require the consent of the Senate. I can certainly work out a deal with Nancy in the House, but I can’t speak for the other chamber.”
It is rumored that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) is working on a bill modeled after the Corker-Cardin legislation that proved instrumental in aiding the success of the president’s Iran deal. Under McConnell’s bill Congress would be given 30 days to reject any appropriation made by the president and if the president vetoed a Congressional act rejecting an appropriation, Congress could override the veto with a two-thirds majority.
US Has Plenty of Room for Muslim Refugees, Says Albright
Former Clinton Administration Secretary of State Madeleine Albright says the United States has plenty of vacant space that could be productively allocated to refugees from the Middle East.
“Even the most casual glance at the vast swaths of unoccupied space inside this country shows that we have no valid excuse for denying entry to those displaced by unrest in their native countries,” Albright declared. “Take the wide-open lands of the state of Nevada as an example. Here is a climate that approximates that of the nations the refugees are fleeing. Why not set aside this state as a sort of reservation for Muslim immigrants?”
Albright urged citizens to demand that “Congress adopt this or some other set aside location. The refugee crisis will only get worse if we don’t provide a secure refuge for these people. Once ensconced in some of America’s vacant space they could replicate their culture, elect their own people to Congress, and help reaffirm America’s commitment to succor and diversity.”
“Free Stuff” Gaffe Said to Doom Bush’s Candidacy
Republican presidential candidate former Florida Governor Jeb Bush faced a firestorm of criticism from the welfare lobby for asserting that his message of opportunity would win more Black votes than Democrats’ promises of more “free stuff.”
Democratic presidential race front runner former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gloated over what she maintained “effectively ends his run for the nation’s top job. Bush’s pledge to preserve people’s opportunity to work their way up the ladder offers them nothing they couldn’t get on their own. What we offer is something in addition to what people can earn for themselves. Democrats are the Party that guarantees that the government will take care of everyone. Republicans are the Party that would force everyone get a job and support themselves.”
Not to be outdone by his presidential rival, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders promised to “carve up the capitalist turkey and dish out shares to everyone. Why should the masses restrain themselves from expropriating the bourgeoisie? We have the numbers and, therefore, the power to vote for the redistribution of the nation’s wealth. We have only ourselves to blame if we fail to exercise that power.”
Sanders sought to distinguish himself from his “intellectual mentor” Vladimir Lenin by eschewing the prescribed “liquidation” of the capitalist class. “I am a peaceful man,” Sanders proclaimed. “Stripped of their property, the capitalist oppressors would be powerless. My more humane approach would allow them to take their place at the back of the line and receive their fair share of the redistributed wealth.”
Afghan Sex Slaves “Internal Matter,” Says Administration
Reports that US military personnel in Afghanistan have been ordered to ignore Afghan troops’ “bachi bazi”—the ritual kidnapping, imprisonment and rape of child sex slaves was defended by the Obama Administration as “a necessary compromise in the war on terror.”
“The practice of holding and abusing under-aged boys as sex slaves is an ancient tradition in Afghanistan,” US Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter observed. “It is not our place to interfere.”
The Secretary drew a parallel with this country’s alliance with the Soviet Union during World War II. “The Soviet Union was an oppressive tyranny run by a paranoid psychopath,” Carter recounted. “Millions were sent to the gulag for trivial or non-existent offenses. Thousands were executed for imaginary crimes. By any measure, this was far worse than the rape of a few hundred little boys by our Afghan allies.”
“Abiding Stalin’s lesser evil in order to gain his nation’s help in fighting Hitler’s greater evil was a necessary strategic decision,” Carter contended. “Likewise, abiding the peculiar cultural practices of our Afghan allies in the war against the Taliban terrorists is a price we must be willing to pay. The squeamishness of our troops cannot be permitted to interfere with our broader strategic objectives in the region.”
Carter justified the dismissal of Sgt. Charles Martland from the Army for his actions calling attention to the child rapes. “Our troops in the region have their orders,” Carter said. “By raising an unapproved alarm over the Afghan Army’s behavior, Sgt Martland disobeyed those orders. Discipline is a fundamental component of military cohesion. Just as US troops were ordered to ignore Soviet troops’ rape of German women in the closing days of WWII, Martland was ordered to ignore the Afghan troops’ rapes. Discharging him was our only option.”
Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-Calif) labeled this “strategic compromise ‘pathetic.’ We shouldn’t be repeating history’s past mistakes. Making the world safe for pedophiles is not a cause worthy of one drop of an American soldier’s blood. We should either stand for human freedom or withdraw from this fight.”
In related news, Carter denounced Russia’s intervention in Syria saying that “sending troops to battle ISIL in the region conflicts with President Obama’s more nuanced approach. Russia’s decision to just kill the Islamic State fighters contradicts the President’s efforts to assist these forces to help overthrow the Assad dictatorship.”
School District Bans “Tag”
The Mercer Island School District in the State of Washington has barred students from playing the game of “tag” on school grounds or within eyesight of school personnel. Communications director Macy Grade described the ban as “an essential step to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students.”
In the game of “tag,” one child is designated as “it” until he or she can tag/touch another child and pass along the “it” status. Grade characterized the game as “potentially devastating to children’s self-esteem. First of all, the person who is ‘it’ is isolated and stigmatized. Second, all the other participants are traumatized by the risk of becoming ‘it’ unless they can successfully flee. Third, the chasing and fleeing exposes the children to potential injuries from falls or collisions.”
The decree banning the game followed the school districts unsuccessful attempt to revise the rules. Grade explained, “instead of one child being singled out as ‘it’ we tried to encourage the children to play a game of ‘us’ in which every participant is designated as ‘special’ so no one has to chase or flee. But the new game didn’t catch on. The children called it ‘boring’ and continued to engage in the dangerous, traditional version of the game.”
The district also sent a letter home with each student asking parents to help police the ban during non-school hours. “We can’t afford to let our best efforts to eradicate this scourge of childhood be undermined by the unsupervised play of youngsters when they are not on school grounds,” Grade said. “It is important that parents be on board and help prevent the harm this activity can wreak.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
By John Semmens –Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
A gaggle of university climatologists have written to President Obama and Attorney General Loretta Lynch urging them to prosecute people who continue to contradict the “scientific consensus” on climate change. Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI) immediately endorsed the idea as “essential to our survival as a planet.”
“The freedom of people able to contradict the accepted science impedes the government from taking the steps necessary to combat dangerous climate change,” Whitehouse contended. Paraphrasing a famous observation made by Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes for justifying suppression of free speech, the senator averred that “allowing a person to deny the truth of global warming is like allowing a person to deny there’s a fire in a crowded theater. When lives are at stake freedom must be curtailed for the common good.”
The authority Whitehouse cited for justifying the prosecution of skeptics is the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act. This Act was passed in 1970 in order to give the government another tool in its war against organized crime.
Whitehouse insisted that “even though climate deniers aren’t gunning people down like mobsters do, the death toll from runaway climate change is likely to be far higher and more gruesome. In effect, those whose words are used to delay necessary government action are, in effect, enablers of mass murder and deserve to be treated as such. Hopefully, putting a few of the most ardent deniers behind bars will serve to silence others.”
Pelosi Says She Abhors Abortion
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) maintains that she abhors abortion and defended federal funding for Planned Parenthood as “the surest path toward reducing its frequency in the future.”
“Each birth raises the population total,” Pelosi said. “The more babies that are aborted today, the fewer we will have to abort in the future. By holding down the population now, we avert the burden of having to fund even more abortions in the next generation.”
The Congresswoman contrasted “my long view with the short-sightedness of today’s knee-jerk opponents of sensible population control. I mean, isn’t it obvious that a future population of 600,000,000 would force us to abort twice as many babies as our current 300,000,000 population? Who’s the greater humanitarian—the person who saves one life today or the more farsighted person who sacrifices one life today in order to save two in the next generation?”
In related news, a bill to grant protection to babies that survive abortions was not passed unanimously. H.R.3504, titled the “Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act” was passed by the U.S. House of Representatives by a party line 248-177 vote. Rep. Judy Chu (D-Calif) voted against the bill saying that “it puts the interests of fetuses ahead of the interests of women. Why should the ability of a fetus to live be permitted to cancel out the wish of a woman who undergoes the procedure for the express purpose of preventing this life?”
Ex-Gov Gets Lifetime Pension for Four Months of Work
Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey (D) was awarded a lifetime pension after only four months on the job as an attorney for Hudson County. County spokesman James Kennelly sought to abate outrage from taxpayers and other county employees who must put in years of work to qualify for much smaller pensions.
“Governor McGreevey brought a unique experience — an intense commitment to the job,” Kennelly argued. “His four months on the job is worth far more than decades put in by any other county employee. So, I don’t think there are any grounds for complaints.”
Although he was unable to point to any specific accomplishment of McGreevey’s brief tenure as a county attorney, Kennelly insisted that “the intangibles of his inspirational role cannot be adequately measured nor appreciated by the average person. Frankly, in my opinion, no amount of money could be sufficient to compensate him for what he’s done.”
McConnell Rejects House Plea for Majority Rule on Iran Deal
A plea from 57 House Republicans to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) to allow the Senate majority to vote on the Iran treaty fell on deaf ears. At issue is McConnell’s refusal to bypass the filibuster of the Senate minority that is blocking a vote on the measure.
Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Texas), spokesman for the 57 GOP House members, emphasized that “voting on a matter as consequential as the Iran deal should take precedence over the preservation of a mere Senate rule.”
Although the Senate rule authorizing filibusters has no Constitutional or statutory basis, McConnell firmly rejected Smith’s arguments. “The United States Senate is the world’s greatest deliberative body,” McConnell claimed. “It didn’t get that way by simply yielding to majority sentiment. Preserving this historic role is more important than what happens on this one issue.”
It’s not as if this “historic role” hasn’t undergone occasional modifications. The threshold for shutting down a filibuster used to be two-thirds. Segregationists used the two-thirds rule to block numerous civil rights laws over many decades. In 1975, the ratio of votes required to end a filibuster was reduced to three-fifths. During former Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s tenure the ratio was reduced to a simple majority on one occasion.
McConnell was also unfazed by polls showing more than a two-thirds majority of Americans opposed to the Iran deal, saying that “the views held by voters cannot be expected to carry as much weight as the views of members of the Senate. Just doing what the majority wants is tantamount to mob rule. I will not acquiesce to such a desecration of the principles upon which our government operates.”
Smith was unimpressed by McConnell’s arguments and pointed out that “under our Constitution treaties are supposed to be affirmatively endorsed by two-thirds of the Senate. The Iran deal inverts that requirement. Shouldn’t Senator McConnell and all members of Congress, for that matter, put this Constitutional requirement ahead of the made-up procedures of the Senate no matter how hoary they may be?”
In related news, the Obama Administration declined to disclose the estimated number of Americans killed by Iran and its terror proxies since, according to Secretary of State John Kerry, “the only purpose this would serve is to potentially derail implementation of the deal we worked so hard to obtain. Rather than stir up points of disagreement, it’s better to let bygones be bygones.”
White House Justifies Inviting Critics of Catholic Doctrine to Meet Pope
In what some are characterizing as a breach of diplomacy, President Obama has invited several prominent critics of Catholic doctrine to his meeting with Pope Francis. Among these controversial invitees are a pro-abortion nun, a transgender woman, a homosexual Episcopal bishop, and two Catholic homosexual activists. The intent of this affront says Press Secretary Josh Earnest “is to make the point that religious doctrine, just like Constitutional law, must evolve to meet evolving social customs and beliefs. High profile leaders like Pope Francis cannot afford to resist these trends if the Church hopes to stay relevant in the 21st century.”
In a speech before the Business Roundtable President Obama urged corporate leaders to lobby the Republican Congress and ask their representatives to support increased budgetary authority. “Republican propaganda would cast Chinese hackers, Russian military adventures, or Islamic terror as the gravest threats to our way of life,” the president said. “Don’t fall for it. Nothing is as great a threat as the possibility that the omnibus budget won’t be approved in time to avert a government shutdown.”
While not totally dismissing these other dangers, Obama told the business leaders that “these are more distant and dissipated sources of trouble. Even if our computer security is compromised how big of a hit to your bottom line would this entail? Would a reestablished Soviet Union really be a negative outcome for your profitability? Would terrorists running amok massacring soldiers or bombing buildings really hurt your stock prices? I think upon reflection we’d all have to agree that each of these potential events would increase the need for government spending and would lead to more contracts and more income for well-positioned firms. On the other hand, a government shutdown would turn off the spigot of cash flowing from us to you.”
The president acknowledged that “it is unlikely that the anti-American right-wingers will prevail over our friends on the Republican side of the aisle,” but still advised businessmen “to not take it for granted and continue to apply pressure on wavering senators and representatives.”
Obama Blames Hillary for Syria Fiasco
The revelation that the millions the U.S. spent to train anti-Assad rebels in Syria has netted a total of five trained fighters has sparked criticism from even the most reliable of apologists for his regime: the New York Times. “By any reasonable standard, this is a pathetic return on our investment,” the Times editorialized.
The Obama Administration, however, refused to accept responsibility. U.S. Press Secretary Josh Earnest strove to deflect blame by pointing out that “the president’s preference has always been to kill our country’s enemies via drone strikes. The decision to try to train local Syrian rebels was taken in adherence to the advice of then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. If anyone is at fault for the lack of substantive results from this training it has to be her.”
However, Hillary-for-President campaign manager Robby Mook rejected the Administration’s assessment of responsibility, saying that “it’s the president who is final decider on every policy of his Administration. Secretary Clinton merely advised him to opt for training the Syrians. It is the president who bears the ultimate responsibility for taking her advice. He can’t just shrug this off as someone else’s fault.”
Bush Stood on Tiptoes to “Level the Playing Field”
Videos showing the 6-foot, three-inch tall GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush oddly standing on tiptoes for the group photo prior to Wednesday night’s debate has stimulated some ridicule of the candidate. This ridicule has prompted Bush campaign manager David Kochel to defend his man by claiming that “it was an effort to level the playing field. Carly Fiorina gets to boost her height by wearing high heels. Why shouldn’t Jeb try to offset her unfair advantage by similarly elevating himself?”
Muslim Migrants Demand End to Oktoberfest
Muslim immigrants living in Germany are petitioning the government for a ban on the annual Oktoberfest. The 16-day festival held in Bavaria is viewed as anti-Muslim since one of its main activities is drinking beer. “We’re not against the Christians drinking alcohol in private,” petitioner Iham Faakhir. “But these public displays are an insult to our faith.”
Faakhir portrayed his petition as “an act of restraint. For now we are abiding by the western political practice of peacefully asserting our demand. But the kafirs should not try our patience. Sharia law gives us the right to impose morality by force if necessary.”
The German government is reportedly considering whether discontinuing Oktoberfest might be necessary in order to preserve the peace. German Minister of the Interior Gerhard Erzfeigling wondered “whether trying to maintain German traditions is worth the bloodshed that is apt to occur if we do not accommodate the sensitivities of the Muslim minority.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
Please do us a favor. If you uses material created by The Arizona Conservative, give us credit and DO NOT change the context. Thank you.
The U.S. House of Representatives voted today for legislation that would temporarily de-fund Planned Parenthood while an investigation continues into it s sale of aborted babies and their body parts.
The House voted 241 to 187 for the bill with 239 Republicans voting for the bill to defund the Planned Parenthood abortion business and 3 Democrats joining them. Three Republicans voted against the defunding bill while 183 Democrats voted against it. Republican Steve King of Iowa vote present. (SCROLL TO BOTTOM to see how your House member voted).
During the debate, House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy spoke on the House floor in defense of innocent human life and urged his colleagues to put a moratorium on Planned Parenthood funding in light of its barbaric practices.
“So if we know that this organization performs hundreds of thousands of abortions per year and we know that women have access to other sources for care, the question is, should we force taxpayers to fund a business that spends its money aborting 327,653 children per year? Should we force taxpayers to fund an organization whose barbaric practices, as vividly shown in those videos, disregard and devalue the sanctity of the most innocent human lives?” he asked.
He added: “There is no reason—absolutely no reason—that we must choose between funding women’s health and compelling taxpayers to support abortion.”
Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas) talked about how Planned Parenthood is not in the business of women’s health care and is really just an abortion company. he said Planned Parenthood has “never, ever, ever done one mammogram, because they are not certified to do mammograms
“In the history of Planned Parenthood, they have never, ever, ever done one mammogram, because they are not certified to do mammograms. They bring people in and refer them out to get their mammograms. So, for those of us –like in my case, three daughters and a wife of 37 years –look, I want good women’s healthcare. So, let’s fund it,” he said. “But, let’s give it directly to the facilities that will do the mammograms and not Planned Parenthood – for them to take their cut.”
White House spokesman Josh Earnest confirmed that Obama will veto any bill that de-funds Planned Parenthood after 10 shocking videos found that it has sold aborted babies and their body parts.
“We’ve been quite forthright about the president’s opposition to any effort to wholesale defund Planned Parenthood,” Earnest told reporters Wednesday.
Earnest called it “cynical” to use the videos as a reason to de-fund the abortion company, saying it has apologized for the tone of the videos — though Planned Parenthood steadfastly defended selling aborted babies and their body parts for research.
In 2011, House members voted 241-185 for a resolution that would prohibit the Planned Parenthood abortion business from qualifying for family planning funds. The vote saw almost all Republicans supporting de-funding while Democrats generally opposed it. That was the second vote taken to de-fund the abortion giant. An earlier vote in 2011 saw the House de-funded Planned Parenthood on a 240-185 margin.
The 10th video by The Center for Medical Progress features several top-level Planned Parenthood executives discussing the organization’s secretive practices around aborted fetal parts harvesting. The video includes comments from Deborah VanDerhei, the National Director of the organization’s Consortium of Abortion Providers, describing the harvesting of fetal body parts as “donation for remuneration.”
The expose’ videos catching Planned Parenthood officials selling the body parts of aborted babies have shocked the nation. Here is a list of all nine:
In the first video: Dr. Deborah Nucatola of Planned Parenthood commented on baby-crushing: “We’ve been very good at getting heart, lung, liver, because we know that, so I’m not gonna crush that part, I’m gonna basically crush below, I’m gonna crush above, and I’m gonna see if I can get it all intact.”
In the second video: Planned Parenthood’s Dr. Mary Gatter joked, “I want a Lamborghini” as she negotiated the best price for baby parts.
In the third video: Holly O’Donnell, a former Stem Express employee who worked inside a Planned Parenthood clinic, detailed first-hand the unspeakable atrocities and how she fainted in horror over handling baby legs.
In the fourth video: Planned Parenthood’s Dr. Savita Ginde stated, “We don’t want to do just a flat-fee (per baby) of like, $200. A per-item thing works a little better, just because we can see how much we can get out of it.” She also laughed while looking at a plate of fetal kidneys that were “good to go.”
In the fifth video: Melissa Farrell of Planned Parenthood-Gulf Coast in Houston boasted of Planned Parenthood’s skill in obtaining “intact fetal cadavers” and how her “research” department “contributes so much to the bottom line of our organization here, you know we’re one of the largest affiliates, our Research Department is the largest in the United States.”
In the sixth video: Holly O’Donnell described technicians taking fetal parts without patient consent: “There were times when they would just take what they wanted. And these mothers don’t know. And there’s no way they would know.”
In the seventh and perhaps most disturbing video: Holly O’Donnell described the harvesting, or “procurement,” of organs from a nearly intact late-term fetus aborted at Planned Parenthood Mar Monte’s Alameda clinic in San Jose, CA. “‘You want to see something kind of cool,’” O’Donnell says her supervisor asked her. “And she just taps the heart, and it starts beating. And I’m sitting here and I’m looking at this fetus, and its heart is beating, and I don’t know what to think.”
In the eighth video: StemExpress CEO Cate Dyer admits Planned Parenthood sells “a lot of” fully intact aborted babies.
The ninth video: catches a Planned Parenthood medical director discussing how the abortion company sells fully intact aborted babies — including one who “just fell out” of the womb.
The 10th video: catches the nation’s biggest abortion business selling specific body parts — including the heart, eyes and “gonads” of unborn babies.The video also shows the shocking ways in which Planned Parenthood officials admit that they are breaking federal law by selling aborted baby body parts for profit.
Guthrie
Hardy
Harper
Harris
Hartzler
Heck (NV)
Hensarling
Herrera Beutler
Hice, Jody B.
Hill
Holding
Hudson
Huelskamp
Huizenga (MI)
Hultgren
Hunter
Hurd (TX)
Hurt (VA)
Issa
Jenkins (KS)
Jenkins (WV)
Johnson (OH)
Johnson, Sam
Jolly
Jones
Jordan
Joyce
Katko
Kelly (MS)
Kelly (PA)
King (NY)
Kinzinger (IL)
Kline
Knight
Labrador
LaHood
LaMalfa
Lamborn
Lance
Latta Lipinski
LoBiondo
Long
Loudermilk
Love
Lucas
Luetkemeyer
Lummis
MacArthur
Marchant
Marino
Massie
McCarthy
McCaul
McClintock
McHenry
McKinley
McMorris Rodgers McSally
Meadows
Meehan
Messer
Mica
Miller (FL)
Miller (MI)
Moolenaar
Mooney (WV)
Mullin
Mulvaney
Murphy (PA)
Neugebauer
Newhouse
Noem
Nugent
Nunes
Olson
Palazzo
Palmer
Paulsen
Pearce
Perry
Peterson
Pittenger
Pitts
Poe (TX)
Poliquin
Pompeo
Posey
Price, Tom
Ratcliffe
Reed
Reichert
Renacci
Ribble
Rice (SC)
Rigell
Roby
Roe (TN)
Rogers (AL)
Rogers (KY)
Rohrabacher
Rokita
Rooney (FL)
Ros-Lehtinen
Roskam
Ross
Rothfus
Rouzer
Royce
Russell
Ryan (WI) Salmon
Sanford
Scalise Schweikert
Scott, Austin
Sensenbrenner
Sessions
Shimkus
Shuster
Simpson
Smith (MO)
Smith (NE)
Smith (NJ)
Smith (TX)
Stefanik
Stewart
Stivers
Stutzman
Thompson (PA)
Thornberry
Tiberi
Tipton
Trott
Turner
Upton
Valadao
Walberg
Walden
Walker
Walorski
Walters, Mimi
Weber (TX)
Webster (FL)
Wenstrup
Westerman
Westmoreland
Whitfield
Williams
Wilson (SC)
Wittman
Womack
Woodall
Yoder
Yoho
Young (AK)
Young (IA)
Young (IN)
Zeldin
Zinke
—- NOES 187 —
Adams Aguilar Ashford Bass Beatty Becerra Bera Beyer Bishop (GA) Blumenauer Bonamici Boyle, Brendan F. Brady (PA) Brown (FL) Brownley (CA) Bustos Butterfield Capps Capuano Cárdenas Carney Carson (IN) Cartwright Castor (FL) Castro (TX) Chu, Judy Cicilline Clark (MA) Clarke (NY) Clay Cleaver Clyburn Cohen Connolly Conyers Cooper Costa Courtney Crowley Cuellar Cummings Davis (CA) Davis, Danny DeFazio DeGette Delaney DeLauro DelBene
Dent DeSaulnier Deutch Dingell Doggett
Dold Doyle, Michael F. Duckworth Edwards Ellison Engel Eshoo Esty Farr Fattah
Foster Frankel (FL) Fudge Gabbard Gallego Garamendi Graham Grayson Green, Al Green, Gene Grijalva Gutiérrez Hahn
Hanna Hastings Heck (WA) Higgins Himes Hinojosa Honda Hoyer Huffman Israel Jackson Lee Jeffries Johnson (GA) Johnson, E. B. Kaptur Keating Kelly (IL) Kennedy Kildee Kilmer Kind Kirkpatrick Kuster Langevin Larsen (WA) Larson (CT) Lawrence Lee Levin Lewis Lieu, Ted Loebsack Lofgren Lowenthal Lowey Lujan Grisham (NM) Luján, Ben Ray (NM) Lynch Maloney, Carolyn Maloney, Sean Matsui McCollum McDermott McGovern McNerney Meeks Meng Moore Moulton Murphy (FL)
Nadler Napolitano Neal Nolan Norcross O’Rourke Pallone Pascrell Payne Pelosi Perlmutter Peters Pingree Pocan Polis Price (NC) Quigley Rangel Rice (NY) Richmond Roybal-Allard Ruiz Ruppersberger Rush Ryan (OH) Sánchez, Linda T. Sanchez, Loretta Sarbanes Schakowsky Schiff Schrader Scott (VA) Scott, David Serrano Sewell (AL) Sherman Sinema Sires Slaughter Speier Swalwell (CA) Takai Takano Thompson (MS) Titus Tonko Torres Tsongas Van Hollen Vargas Veasey Vela Velázquez Visclosky Walz Wasserman Schultz Waters, Maxine Watson Coleman Welch Wilson (FL) Yarmuth
If the U.S. Senate passes this bill as well, President Barack Obama will veto it because he is totally beholden to abortion, Planned Parenthood and the culture of death. Nevertheless, we praise Congressman Trent Franks and all voted for this bill. They did the right thing.
Washington, D.C.— Today the House of Representatives passed the Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act (H.R. 3504) by a vote of 248-177, 1 Present. The legislation, sponsored by the Subcommittee on the Constitution and Civil Justice Chairman Trent Franks (R-Ariz.), would protect all children who are born alive.
The Born-Alive Abortion Survivors Protection Act severely penalizes abortion practitioners who violate federal law by killing innocent children who are born during failed abortion procedures. The provisions of the bill directly address concerns raised throughout the House Judiciary Committee’s ongoing investigation into Planned Parenthood. Under this bill, if a born-alive child is cut open for its body parts, or some other overt act is taken to kill the child, the punishment is that for first-degree murder, which can include life in prison or the death penalty.
House Judiciary Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.) and the Subcommittee on the Constitution and Civil Justice Chairman Trent Franks released the following statement after the passage of the bill:
“Today the House of Representatives made a strong statement for children who have no voice in the face of atrocities committed by abortionists. This legislation sends a strong message to those who are in the horrific business of abortions that there are real consequences for those who would kill or abandon children after they are outside a mother’s womb. Today’s debate is a somber reminder of the horrors of abortion, and the atrocities that abortionists like Kermit Gosnell can inflict on babies.
“We are proud that this bill also addresses a primary issue within the House Judiciary Committee’s investigation into Planned Parenthood. At the heart of Planned Parenthood’s alleged activities is the harvesting of fetal body parts for profit. This bill severely punishes those abortion practitioners who would kill an innocent baby in order to harvest baby parts.
“We wish to thank our colleagues for supporting this important piece of legislation for the unborn.”
Key Provisions:
In the case of an abortion or attempted abortion that results in a child born alive, any health care practitioner present must exercise the same degree of professional care to preserve the life of the child as they would render to any other child born alive at the same gestational age.
Provides that the child must be immediately transported and admitted to a hospital.
The bill requires the reporting of any known violations of its provisions.
Allows a woman to file a civil lawsuit if her live baby was not treated with the care and respect required by the bill.
No. 17: Ann Kirkpatrick
$31,650 received from Planned Parenthood, which is under investigation for illegally selling dead baby body parts; which is being sued for not reporting the rapes of under-age girls and allowing their rapists to offend again; and under investigation for illegally over-billing the federal government
PARTY: Democrat FEDERAL OFFICE: U.S. representative for Arizona’s 1st Congressional District (2009-11; 2013-present); Candidate for 2016 Democratic nomination for Senate to challenge incumbent John McCain (R)
“Today, as we celebrate our nation’s most important document, I am proud to say Arizona is a national leader when it comes to civic education,” said Governor Doug Ducey.
“Arizona was the first state in the country to pass the American Civics Act, with bipartisan support, and many Arizona students are set to take that test for the first time this week.
“Our founders ensured that our nation would be a nation of laws, where ‘We the People’ control our destiny, and wrote a document that has stood the test of time. Here freedom and liberty rule, and all Americans have the right to pursue their destiny.
“As we reflect on our nation’s great history today – please keep the members of our armed services fighting to protect the constitutional rights we hold so dear in your thoughts and prayers.”
Governor Doug Ducey visited Sunset Hills Elementary School Thursday to celebrate Constitution Day with students and teachers. The governor read to a second-grade class.
U.S. Senate candidate Kelli Ward called on Senator John McCain to vote no on any legislation that funds Planned Parenthood either through a short term Continuing Resolution or a long-term spending bill.
In light of the recent evidence that has surfaced showing Planned Parenthood officials trafficking and selling aborted baby parts for profit, the Ward campaign noted that a growing movement to stop Planned Parenthood from receiving any taxpayer dollars must take precedence over funding the government.
“If John McCain really wants to make a difference on this Planned Parenthood issue, he won’t just talk, he’ll act – and he’ll take a stand,” said Ward. “By any legislative means necessary these heinous acts must be stopped and this organization must be stripped of its federal funds.”
State Senator Ward called on Senator McCain to use his considerable influence in the U.S. Senate to force Mitch McConnell, the Senate president, to bring up a funding bill that contained no federal money for Planned Parenthood. She also called on him to vote no on any funding bills that contained money for Planned Parenthood should McConnell choose to ignore the requests of conservative members of his chamber. McConnell has been dragging his feet and resisting calls for defunding Planned Parenthood, which is accused of fraudulently over-billing the government for services not rendered and for illegally selling baby body parts.
“It’s time for Senator McCain to stand with conservatives, defund Planned Parenthood and end their taxpayer funding once and for all,” said Ward.
By John Semmens –Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
More than 50 analysts for the Defense Intelligence Agency have complained to the Department of Defense’s Inspector General that their reports are being fraudulently altered by “higher ups.” The gist of the alterations has been to make the Administration’s war against terror appear more successful than it actually is.
“For the most part our efforts against ISIS have been ineffective,” said one analyst requesting anonymity. “Despite the drone strikes and the President’s tough talk, ISIS continues to gain strength. They have seized the American-made weapons abandoned by an Iraqi Army unwilling to fight. ISIS atrocities remain unabated. There is no on-the-ground evidence for President Obama’s claim that we are degrading this organization’s abilities.”
Director of National Intelligence James Clapper defended the alterations as “within the normal bounds of executive privilege. These low-level analysts lack the vision to comprehend President Obama’s strategy. They do not grasp the point that an official stance describing ISIL as degraded is a psy-op intended to both bolster our allies and undermine the morale of ISIL’s fighters.”
Clapper went on to characterize the balky analysts as “insubordinate, at best. By going public with their objections they have damaged the President’s strategy and might well be guilty of treason. Rooting out this nest of vipers and neutralizing them has been moved to the top of my agenda.”
Gov Brings Armed Guards to Anti-Gun Rally
Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe (D) brought his own armed guards to a Washington DC anti-gun rally sponsored by Michael Bloomberg’s anti-gun advocacy group Everytown for America. The Governor saw no irony or hypocrisy in his action.
“First of all, DC is a very dangerous place with a high rate of gun related violence,” McAuliffe said. “It would be foolhardy for me to expose myself without having some sort of protection. Second, a governor is no ordinary, expendable average schmo. My elevated position of power makes me a target. I have a right to defend myself against anti-government radicals.”
McAuliffe also pointed out that “all of my bodyguards are trained professionals. There is little danger that these armed individuals will use their weapons to commit crimes or to accidentally shoot someone. These aren’t the type of people we’re trying to disarm. We are looking to keep guns out of the hands of the untrained non-professionals who might easily hurt themselves or someone else if they have access to firearms.”
The Governor laughed off the contention that outlawing private ownership of guns would disarm the law-abiding while leaving criminals free to use guns. “If trained professionals and criminals were the only ones with guns I’d call that a step forward,” he asserted. “We’d eliminate the vast majority of accidental shootings. By removing the fear that their victims might be armed we’d also eliminate the need for criminals to use deadly force against them. Without access to guns people will be more cautious about where they go and what they do. Needless trips into the bad part of town during a bad time of day would be avoided. This would save energy and reduce air pollution—two other socially beneficial outcomes.”
Tearing Babies Apart Called “Humane”
In testimony before the House Judiciary Committee, Priscilla Smith, a Director and Senior Fellow at the Program for the Study of Reproductive Justice at Yale Law School, maintained that dismemberment abortions are “humane.” The procedure entails gripping the child with medical instruments, twisting off limbs one-by-one until the baby bleeds to death and then crushing the head.
Asked by Committee Chairman Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) whether such a “humane” procedure would be an appropriate method of executing convicted murderers, Ms. Smith said “no. Even if the condemned individual were sedated tearing him apart would be horrifically barbaric and messy. Rather than having arms and legs of just a few inches in length the parts would be much larger, as would the quantity of blood spilled.”
Smith also emphasized “the fact is that the law does not permit the dismemberment of prisoners as this would be cruel and unusual—a punishment forbidden by our Constitution. In contrast, there are no legal prohibitions of the dismemberment of unwanted fetuses.”
In a fund-raising letter to donors, Democratic National Committee Chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Fla) averred that she was “pissed off by these efforts to drum up public opposition to federal funding for Planned Parenthood. Publicizing the grisly details of these medical procedures is an invasion of privacy that disgusts and nauseates me. A woman’s right to an abortion has been the law of the land since the Supreme Court enacted it in 1973. It’s long past the time that efforts to undo this law should have ceased.”
Administration Brushes Off Court Ruling
The Obama Administration brushed off U.S. District Court Judge Rosemary Collyer’s ruling that the GOP’s lawsuit against unappropriated spending for health care would proceed. In her decision, Collyer wrote that “the Constitution could not be more clear: ‘No Money shall be drawn from the Treasury but in consequence of Appropriations made by Law.’ Neither the president nor his officers can authorize appropriations; the assent of the House of Representatives is required before any public monies are spent.”
“While the President is disappointed that this errant judge has aided and abetted a GOP political stunt, the ruling will have no impact on what the President will or won’t do to improve health care in this country,” Press Secretary Josh Earnest promised. “Court rulings don’t enforce themselves. It takes executive action to ensure enforcement. I assure you that there will be no executive action to comply with this ruling.”
“Under our Constitution the courts have no delegated authority to order either of the other branches of government around,” Earnest added. “Each branch is free to cooperate with or to oppose whatever the courts may decide. That is the essence of separation of powers. To simply knuckle under to whatever a court says would transform our democracy into a judicial tyranny. The President cannot be expected to submit to that.”
Mid-East Refugees Reject Billionaire’s Offer
An Egyptian billionaire’s offer to buy a Mediterranean island for refugees from the war-torn Middle East region to inhabit and build a new country was not well received by the intended beneficiaries.
“Building a new country is too much work,” complained Muhammad Moosheer. “Why can’t we go to countries that will give us food and houses? Why should we be denied the benefits that America or Germany grant to their people?”
US President Obama agreed, calling the job of building a new country from the ground up “daunting. Frankly, the idea makes no sense. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel. We have the resources necessary to rescue and sustain these refugees. They shouldn’t have to undertake the arduous task of providing for themselves.”
To bolster his argument, President Obama cited statistics indicating that three-fourths of the immigrants to the United States from the Middle East are now receiving welfare from the federal government. “We have shown that it is possible to obtain decent housing, sustenance, and even many of the perks of life without having to sell yourself into wage-slavery,” he boasted. “The refugees should follow the path blazed by their fellow Muslims.”
In related news, Muslim refugees in Macedonia rioted over aid packages sent by the Red Cross. “We will not accept this unclean Christian food,” shouted refugee leader, Iman Jakash. “We demand Muslim aid.” Whether there will be any Muslim aid forthcoming seems doubtful. Saudi Arabia refuses to feed these co-religionists, but has offered to fund the construction of 200 mosques in Germany provided the refugees are admitted to that country. “Simply feeding these refugees does nothing to ensure the spreading of the faith,” said Abdul Fahraud, spokesman for the Saudi Office of Religious Affairs. “Ensuring that they will have houses of worship in which to pray and associate with kindred believers is a much more vital endeavor for the spread of Islam.”
White House Says Iran Deal Will Go into Effect Next Week
Dismissing Republican objections that he has failed to comply with the Corker-Cardin law’s requirement that all portions of the deal with Iran must be disclosed to Congress, President Obama proclaimed that the agreement will be implemented next week.
“At this point, whether Congress goes along is a moot issue,” Obama declared. “The UN has already approved it. A lower authority cannot overrule this higher authority. Besides, the GOP can’t even get a Senate vote on a resolution to disapprove the deal anyway. So, there’s no way they’re going to stop me.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell concurred, saying that “President Obama has outmaneuvered us once again. He is a political genius of a sort heretofore unseen in American history. Attempting to resist his will is futile. The best we can hope to do is try to salvage our seats and get a fair share of federal spending for our states and districts.”
In related news, Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei vowed that “thanks to our victory over the Great Satan in these negotiations we will be able to erase Israel from the map within the next 25 years and the United States within the next 50 years. This is a historic day in the march of Islam toward the achievement of a single faith for all humanity.”
DOJ Declines to Pursue Email Controversy
The Department of Justice says it will not pursue an investigation of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email account for the transmission of classified government documents.
“On paper it looks like Secretary Clinton broke the law,” Attorney General Loretta Lynch admitted. “Juxtaposed to this, however, we have to consider the fact that President Obama gave his permission for Mrs. Clinton to use her private email system. Since he is the superior and she is the subordinate she cannot be held liable for merely following orders. To do so would seriously degrade discipline, obedience, and loyalty throughout the Executive Branch of our government. That would be a greater evil than Mrs. Clinton’s nominal violation of the law.”
Lynch also declined to pursue possible charges against Clinton aide Huma Abedin despite a State Department Inspector General’s report indicating her possible embezzlement of federal funds, saying that “the amount involved appears too small to warrant the expense of further investigation. The $10,000 that was stolen would be dwarfed by the cost of further inquiry. Simply writing off the loss is the more frugal course of action.”
In related news, Clinton told a crowd at a campaign rally that she “will put employers who steal the labor of the working class behind bars. All the value of the goods and services in the economy is created by the efforts of the workers. If I’m elected president, employers who try to deny workers the full value of their labor and who try to expropriate this value for their own profit will be punished.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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