By John Semmens – Semi-News — A Satirical Look at Recent News
More than 50 analysts for the Defense Intelligence Agency have complained to the Department of Defense’s Inspector General that their reports are being fraudulently altered by “higher ups.” The gist of the alterations has been to make the Administration’s war against terror appear more successful than it actually is.
“For the most part our efforts against ISIS have been ineffective,” said one analyst requesting anonymity. “Despite the drone strikes and the President’s tough talk, ISIS continues to gain strength. They have seized the American-made weapons abandoned by an Iraqi Army unwilling to fight. ISIS atrocities remain unabated. There is no on-the-ground evidence for President Obama’s claim that we are degrading this organization’s abilities.”
Director of National Intelligence James Clapper defended the alterations as “within the normal bounds of executive privilege. These low-level analysts lack the vision to comprehend President Obama’s strategy. They do not grasp the point that an official stance describing ISIL as degraded is a psy-op intended to both bolster our allies and undermine the morale of ISIL’s fighters.”
Clapper went on to characterize the balky analysts as “insubordinate, at best. By going public with their objections they have damaged the President’s strategy and might well be guilty of treason. Rooting out this nest of vipers and neutralizing them has been moved to the top of my agenda.”
Gov Brings Armed Guards to Anti-Gun Rally
Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe (D) brought his own armed guards to a Washington DC anti-gun rally sponsored by Michael Bloomberg’s anti-gun advocacy group Everytown for America. The Governor saw no irony or hypocrisy in his action.
“First of all, DC is a very dangerous place with a high rate of gun related violence,” McAuliffe said. “It would be foolhardy for me to expose myself without having some sort of protection. Second, a governor is no ordinary, expendable average schmo. My elevated position of power makes me a target. I have a right to defend myself against anti-government radicals.”
McAuliffe also pointed out that “all of my bodyguards are trained professionals. There is little danger that these armed individuals will use their weapons to commit crimes or to accidentally shoot someone. These aren’t the type of people we’re trying to disarm. We are looking to keep guns out of the hands of the untrained non-professionals who might easily hurt themselves or someone else if they have access to firearms.”
The Governor laughed off the contention that outlawing private ownership of guns would disarm the law-abiding while leaving criminals free to use guns. “If trained professionals and criminals were the only ones with guns I’d call that a step forward,” he asserted. “We’d eliminate the vast majority of accidental shootings. By removing the fear that their victims might be armed we’d also eliminate the need for criminals to use deadly force against them. Without access to guns people will be more cautious about where they go and what they do. Needless trips into the bad part of town during a bad time of day would be avoided. This would save energy and reduce air pollution—two other socially beneficial outcomes.”
Tearing Babies Apart Called “Humane”
In testimony before the House Judiciary Committee, Priscilla Smith, a Director and Senior Fellow at the Program for the Study of Reproductive Justice at Yale Law School, maintained that dismemberment abortions are “humane.” The procedure entails gripping the child with medical instruments, twisting off limbs one-by-one until the baby bleeds to death and then crushing the head.
Asked by Committee Chairman Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Va) whether such a “humane” procedure would be an appropriate method of executing convicted murderers, Ms. Smith said “no. Even if the condemned individual were sedated tearing him apart would be horrifically barbaric and messy. Rather than having arms and legs of just a few inches in length the parts would be much larger, as would the quantity of blood spilled.”
Smith also emphasized “the fact is that the law does not permit the dismemberment of prisoners as this would be cruel and unusual—a punishment forbidden by our Constitution. In contrast, there are no legal prohibitions of the dismemberment of unwanted fetuses.”
In a fund-raising letter to donors, Democratic National Committee Chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Fla) averred that she was “pissed off by these efforts to drum up public opposition to federal funding for Planned Parenthood. Publicizing the grisly details of these medical procedures is an invasion of privacy that disgusts and nauseates me. A woman’s right to an abortion has been the law of the land since the Supreme Court enacted it in 1973. It’s long past the time that efforts to undo this law should have ceased.”
Administration Brushes Off Court Ruling
The Obama Administration brushed off U.S. District Court Judge Rosemary Collyer’s ruling that the GOP’s lawsuit against unappropriated spending for health care would proceed. In her decision, Collyer wrote that “the Constitution could not be more clear: ‘No Money shall be drawn from the Treasury but in consequence of Appropriations made by Law.’ Neither the president nor his officers can authorize appropriations; the assent of the House of Representatives is required before any public monies are spent.”
“While the President is disappointed that this errant judge has aided and abetted a GOP political stunt, the ruling will have no impact on what the President will or won’t do to improve health care in this country,” Press Secretary Josh Earnest promised. “Court rulings don’t enforce themselves. It takes executive action to ensure enforcement. I assure you that there will be no executive action to comply with this ruling.”
“Under our Constitution the courts have no delegated authority to order either of the other branches of government around,” Earnest added. “Each branch is free to cooperate with or to oppose whatever the courts may decide. That is the essence of separation of powers. To simply knuckle under to whatever a court says would transform our democracy into a judicial tyranny. The President cannot be expected to submit to that.”
Mid-East Refugees Reject Billionaire’s Offer
An Egyptian billionaire’s offer to buy a Mediterranean island for refugees from the war-torn Middle East region to inhabit and build a new country was not well received by the intended beneficiaries.
“Building a new country is too much work,” complained Muhammad Moosheer. “Why can’t we go to countries that will give us food and houses? Why should we be denied the benefits that America or Germany grant to their people?”
US President Obama agreed, calling the job of building a new country from the ground up “daunting. Frankly, the idea makes no sense. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel. We have the resources necessary to rescue and sustain these refugees. They shouldn’t have to undertake the arduous task of providing for themselves.”
To bolster his argument, President Obama cited statistics indicating that three-fourths of the immigrants to the United States from the Middle East are now receiving welfare from the federal government. “We have shown that it is possible to obtain decent housing, sustenance, and even many of the perks of life without having to sell yourself into wage-slavery,” he boasted. “The refugees should follow the path blazed by their fellow Muslims.”
In related news, Muslim refugees in Macedonia rioted over aid packages sent by the Red Cross. “We will not accept this unclean Christian food,” shouted refugee leader, Iman Jakash. “We demand Muslim aid.” Whether there will be any Muslim aid forthcoming seems doubtful. Saudi Arabia refuses to feed these co-religionists, but has offered to fund the construction of 200 mosques in Germany provided the refugees are admitted to that country. “Simply feeding these refugees does nothing to ensure the spreading of the faith,” said Abdul Fahraud, spokesman for the Saudi Office of Religious Affairs. “Ensuring that they will have houses of worship in which to pray and associate with kindred believers is a much more vital endeavor for the spread of Islam.”
White House Says Iran Deal Will Go into Effect Next Week
Dismissing Republican objections that he has failed to comply with the Corker-Cardin law’s requirement that all portions of the deal with Iran must be disclosed to Congress, President Obama proclaimed that the agreement will be implemented next week.
“At this point, whether Congress goes along is a moot issue,” Obama declared. “The UN has already approved it. A lower authority cannot overrule this higher authority. Besides, the GOP can’t even get a Senate vote on a resolution to disapprove the deal anyway. So, there’s no way they’re going to stop me.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell concurred, saying that “President Obama has outmaneuvered us once again. He is a political genius of a sort heretofore unseen in American history. Attempting to resist his will is futile. The best we can hope to do is try to salvage our seats and get a fair share of federal spending for our states and districts.”
In related news, Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei vowed that “thanks to our victory over the Great Satan in these negotiations we will be able to erase Israel from the map within the next 25 years and the United States within the next 50 years. This is a historic day in the march of Islam toward the achievement of a single faith for all humanity.”
DOJ Declines to Pursue Email Controversy
The Department of Justice says it will not pursue an investigation of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email account for the transmission of classified government documents.
“On paper it looks like Secretary Clinton broke the law,” Attorney General Loretta Lynch admitted. “Juxtaposed to this, however, we have to consider the fact that President Obama gave his permission for Mrs. Clinton to use her private email system. Since he is the superior and she is the subordinate she cannot be held liable for merely following orders. To do so would seriously degrade discipline, obedience, and loyalty throughout the Executive Branch of our government. That would be a greater evil than Mrs. Clinton’s nominal violation of the law.”
Lynch also declined to pursue possible charges against Clinton aide Huma Abedin despite a State Department Inspector General’s report indicating her possible embezzlement of federal funds, saying that “the amount involved appears too small to warrant the expense of further investigation. The $10,000 that was stolen would be dwarfed by the cost of further inquiry. Simply writing off the loss is the more frugal course of action.”
In related news, Clinton told a crowd at a campaign rally that she “will put employers who steal the labor of the working class behind bars. All the value of the goods and services in the economy is created by the efforts of the workers. If I’m elected president, employers who try to deny workers the full value of their labor and who try to expropriate this value for their own profit will be punished.”
A Satirical Look at Recent News
John Semmens is a retired economist who has written a weekly political satire for The Arizona Conservative since 2005. He says working on his satires is one of the ways he tries to honor the liberties our Founding Fathers tried to protect.
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